Top 5 Worst Music Magazines

Top 5 Worst Music Magazines

Written by Zeromage 23 Comments
Last Updated:: July 6, 2008

As the avid Old-Wizard reader knows, we love music. We have written articles on musical themes which one can read under our music category. We were at the local book store the other day reading music magazines when DestructoMaximo shouted “this magazine sucks”, throwing down the publication with a force that turned the entire store’s head. After being confronted by a store manager, we decided to calm down and think of productive ways to displace our anger. The “top 5 worst music magazines” immediately came to both of our heads. Within a second we wrote down what 5 we disliked most. We clearly agreed on the first four and had to discuss the last. We took our anger out on our laptop keyboards and wrote this article fairly quickly. We both know that we will still glance at these pathetic excuses for music magazines, but it’s only because we like being angry at things that will we continue to make ourselves suffer by opening up these publications, even if for only a second.

5. Performing Songwriter

Only the softest bands get attention in Performing Songwriter. If you don’t sound as cheese as Bryan Adams, you have no chance at getting published in this magazine. If you don’t scat as quick as Jason Mraz, you mean nothing to Performing Songwriter. This magazine is for those who like their music as dry as a Stop and Shop baguette. The soft bands covered in this magazine are not hardened by the questions asked to them. In fact, the questions are even softer. You will find those super interesting questions like “How did you feel after coming off the road?” and “What was your mindset for the new record” in this magazine?” You know, the types of questions that are so vague to the point of meaninglessness, so no one is truly put off by a real musician’s attitude. The reviews are always positive commenting on a shitty artist’s strength, when only record label contacts got the band to be reviewed in the first place. Never offensive and always positive, Performing Songwriter lacks in the most important creative category, honesty.

4. Alternative Press

Alternative Press is a children’s magazine. All the bands in this magazine dress up like children at a Halloween party. Real children know that their dress-up party is a joke though. These bands actually take themselves seriously, painting their nails black and having hair emulating Cutco knives. I just can’t get over how edgy this magazine is! Listening to any of these bands past 5 seconds is an accomplishment for anyone who actually likes music for real reasons. The BS bands covered in this magazine usually start off with a whine that sounds like a pig being thrown off a bridge, and ends with the same exact type of noise. Flipping through this disaster of a magazine, one is encountered with an endless amount of bands who all look and talk the same. They all come from “county” areas and have a problem with parents in general, not with their own parents though. Alternative Press covers these bands with fake authority problems because children need something to feel angry at, and identify this anger entitlement with these mopey looking late 20-year olds (sometimes well into their 30’s!). For continuing this culture of fake problems, Alternative Press needs to be bashed.

3. Billboard

Is there possibly any magazine that covers worse bands than Billboard magazine? Is there any other magazine in publication right now that takes Nickelback seriously besides Billboard? Does anyone even care about music charts anymore when the likes of Rob Thomas and Nick Lachey take up space on the charts? Why would I open up a magazine when I had to look at Nick Lachey? I have to see this stupid ass bastard flipping through bad TV channels. If I have to see him anywhere else, I’ll call his agent and threaten to blow up his house. All these types of “artists” take up the space of this music magazine. Only the most boring and middle aged of bands are covered in this shit because only boring middle aged people buy albums anymore because they’re too retarded to know how to use the internet. Looking at line charts and Nick Lachey is not simply a waste of time, but a sure fire way to get thrown out of a bookstore.

2. NME

The NME used to actually write music articles. They used to write articles about actual songs on albums. Now, the NME is a picture book. It’s for toddlers who identify good music with pictures. How many times does ugly ass Pete Doherty have to be on the fucking cover of this magazine? How many times do I have to read his prison diaries? What the fuck does any of this have to do with music? Flip past the faux drug photos of Pete Doherty and I have to read about another new band who’s “bringing rock back to it’s roots”. Every single week in the NME there is a “going-to-save-the-world” amateur rock band who has the same shitty cockney accents as the Arctic Monkeys and even less musical skill, but because of some feigned bravado, they get covered as the next Beatles. Who reads this shit? No one reads it. There is nothing to read here. There are only pictures to look at and big captions that say “We are going to take over the world”. Why doesn’t this magazine get it? Why don’t these bands get it? There was only 1 Oasis, and they at least had the sense to laugh at themselves.

1. Rolling Stone

In case anyone didn’t notice, every time Rolling Stone magazine gives us their “expertise” in political culture, they always end up putting the candidate who loses on the front cover of their magazine. You may ask, “I thought Rolling Stone was supposed to be a music magazine though?” It’s a good question, and you’re wrong. It’s not a music magazine. It’s a magazine that tries to shove its banal political agenda down the readers’ throats by only interviewing musicians on modern political culture so these boring musicians can have something to bitch about. The only bands and musicians who get covered in this magazine (that doesn’t actually cover music) are those who can’t create a world of their own, so they find an apocalypse in some modern political reality. If you’re a band and unconcerned with some vague impression of culture on a vast level, you won’t get covered in this magazine. You have to be angry at government and “institutions” to be covered in this magazine. That being said, it’s inappropriate to even call Rolling Stone a music magazine. For some reason though, every time we walk by the music magazine shelf, this publication is always the first one showing. However, it should be put in a political agenda section with all the other bitch artists.

23 Comments

#1 Kevbot says:
March 18th, 2010 at 7:34 pm

Great article

#2 Damon says:
March 18th, 2010 at 10:52 pm

This is brilliant. My favorites were the bits on NME, Alternative Press, and Billboard. Good critique.. had me in stitches mate. Did you notice how NME strategically placed all the text and band names AROUND the alcoholic beverage sitting on the table in front of Mr. Doherty?… just so we can see it clear as day. The drink needs to be seen with the singer, so people can understand that this is rock n’ roll. The NME exists solely to sell beer, scarves, leather jackets, and heroin.

#3 TheGamesta says:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:34 am

Even though we may disagree when it comes to gaming, and although we may have different tastes in music, I’m atleast thankful that we can agree on what is pure rubbish in the world of music.

#4 Linklock says:
March 18th, 2010 at 3:55 pm

NME is a picture book. Good call

#5 26 says:
March 18th, 2010 at 10:04 pm

rolling stone is only good for non-war politics articles, their music reviews are terrible, and AP is shit

#6 Ralph says:
March 18th, 2010 at 10:17 pm

Finally, an Old-Wizard article I can agree with.

#7 Aaron J. says:
March 18th, 2010 at 10:25 pm

who the fuck reads music magazines?

#8 Dave says:
March 18th, 2010 at 10:37 pm

I can’t believe I am typing this…

I agree with Old-Wizard

#9 Will says:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:17 pm

i agree about rolling stone, but you people need to stop throwing oasis down our throats. They suck.

#10 Matt says:
March 18th, 2010 at 6:43 am

At least none of these magazines are as up-themselves as some of the online review sites (*cough* pitchforkmusic*cough*). But all true, and funny-
Cheers,
m@

#11 Kylie says:
March 18th, 2010 at 7:43 am

Hilarious. I despise Pete Doherty, who the hell cares about that worthless fuck!

RATE A!

#12 Mrs. Noel Gallagher says:
March 18th, 2010 at 8:15 pm

The problem with NME is that they’ve basically become the tabloid of the music world. They also have a really nasty habit of proclaiming the worst new indie bands as the greatest band of the decade, but bashing them several months/years later once the band in question becomes unfashionable. Remember when they practically disowned Oasis after BHN? They also gave Definitely Maybe a lower review and have since went back and changed it.

#13 Rory says:
March 18th, 2010 at 1:12 pm

While I agree with your reviews on Performing Songwriter, Billboard, Roliing Stone and Alternative Press, I have to disagree with your views on the NME. It is an exceptionally good music (although you are correct in saying it devotes too much time to that worthless cunt Pete Doherty), and I feel that your review is very unfair in your representation of the content of the rest of the magazine. And I most definitely disagree with it being called “a picture book”.

#14 Count Monaco says:
March 18th, 2010 at 7:34 am

fck rolling stno

#15 Amy says:
March 18th, 2010 at 1:18 am

Great list.

#16 Zach says:
March 18th, 2010 at 8:33 am

Predictable.

#17 to much spare time says:
March 18th, 2010 at 1:52 pm

agree abouth the nme article although arctic monkeys are from sheffield not london (if you told most northerners they sounded like a cockney they would probably kick you in the face and rightly so as most of the shite muzak of britain seeps out of london nowadays)

#18 Paul says:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:04 am

You’ve missed “Kerrang!” there, mate. That excuse for a magazine is pure teen-oriented rubbish! Not to mention Pitchfork Media, which is actually a website, i know, but still…

Brilliant article, though.

Still, like the comment above, i can’t help but mention: It’s about time you Americans stopped thinking every single individual in Britain either sounds like the Queen (thanks, Hugh Grant!) or some Dick van Dyke-ish Cockney.

#19 avi says:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:30 pm

Blender anyone?

#20 Jake says:
March 18th, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Pitchfork media.

http://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/6659-amnesiac/
words fail me.

http://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/5930-the-masterplan/

#21 George says:
March 18th, 2010 at 10:01 am

The only one that needs to be on here as well is Blender, even though it’s no longer a music magazine, the crimes it has committed still leave an acrid taste in my mouth. No magazine has ever been more childish, it’s riddled with contradictions, filled with stupid opinions, and only goes far enough on insults that are universally agreed upon.

Pitchfork is worse than an amputation, but it isn’t a magazine, that in no way excuses it’s crimes.

Top 5 Worst Music Magazines

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