• Top 5 Worst Careers of the Millennium

  

  Written by Zeromage 15 Comments
  Last Updated:: December 9, 2008

  During a recession people can be desperate for jobs to feed their supposed monetary needs. Your stocks crashed through Terra Firma and your 401k statement has caused dead Mexican dogs to decompose at record rates. Yes, your life sucks but it’s important to have standards when considering a career change. If you or anyone you associate with has done any of these next jobs we don’t want to hear from you. In fact, your mere presence on this site makes our traffic ratings go down and we’re not letting that happen.

  
  5. Burlington Coat Factory Manager

  

  When searching for a spouse, unemployment is a more attractive career field than B.C.F. management. Imagine having to explain to the woman of your dreams that while it is August and the northern hemisphere’s waters are approaching boiling point, you manage the winter coats at a coat factory and oversee the creative merchandising displays.

  Corporate Job Description: “pickup unwanted product off floors and place back in bins/racks, purge unsold coat inventory, arrange seasonable merchandise in geometrical rows, clean exterior of coat bins, dust off coats, clean duster, transport coats from regional coat factory to local coat factory, keep floors reasonably clean for an enjoyable factory experience.”

  Endless fields of opportunity do not await this branch of management, but at least you know you’ll never be cold if you can’t pay the rent after your plus-one leaves you.

  4. Old-Wizard.com Maintenance Staff

  

  This list had to include a token janitorial professional. Life can be tough working at an idea factory. The writing staff is hunkered down listlessly writing lists that fail to get published. Like unruly moviegoers after seeing Hancock or Jumpers, we can’t help but vent our frustrations by throwing crap everywhere; Pistachio shells, crumpled construction paper, fingernail trimmings, belly button lint, and dilapidated Sega Genesis games all meld into one toxic minestrone waste pool. These janitorial animals come in from the local temp agency to hunker and drool over our daily crap-load of waste. Robust humpbacks thrust skyward from their spines after years spent scouring OWHQ’s crumbling concrete floors, single urinal, and 40 reinforced steel desks waiting for owners.

  3. Recycler of Frialator Oil/ Grease Trap Cleaner

  Uncle Stamos owns a small Greek pizza outlet. You, a short portly man with a neck beard and fatty swollen knees, visit his restaurant each and every week. Vital to the family business system, you clean out his frialator oil and grease trap. You drive a scummy yellow and green box truck that bounces incessantly to its destination. You are the envy of every aspiring inner city Oscar the Grouch, hiding in their nearby garbage can. Your junk box sucks in wads of old frialator oil for recycling back at the treatment plant. Occasionally you must multi-task. Grease traps must be cleaned out manually, with choad-like substances flushing and spattering across your sorry mug. Your family is proud of you and so is your country.

  2. Walmart Greeter

  Worse than a sign holder, these diligent servants systematically throw words at patrons entering this colossal edifice. You never really know why they are speaking at you and wish that they would neglect your presence. Instead they acknowledge your entrance through a certain grouping of doors. These professional talkers can’t possibly greet each customer however, but corporate suits believe that patrons get the idea. “The corporation cares about you.” Always take the time to pretend you are using your cellphone when entering. If no cell phone is available bring along a fresh ripe platano- it will do the trick and breeze you by these loiterers. Nine out of ten Texas guidance counselers state that a Walmart Greeter is actually lower on the career ladder than a Salvation Army beggar, oops!- volunteer

  1. Bowling Alley Waitress

  Imagine your first breath each day waking up knowing it is your purpose to serve degenerates that frequent such a high class establishment: You crawl out of your sleeping quarters behind the bowling lanes as all indentured bowling alley waitresses do. It’s 9 A.M. and the degenerates are beginning to filter in from their caves. The prototypical wildebeest you are forced to slave over has barely a double digit IQ, and doesn’t bathe regularly- smelling of beef nachos, sweat and mold-encrusted cigarette butts. The patrons have long serious furry sideburns no matter their gender. They spit, stammer and slobber while ordering. Most customers can barely round up enough nickels to pay for their plastic draught of warm Coors Regular. It’s finally break time, 5 A.M. At the end of a long day you head for the locker room showers while remembering home is behind lane 32. You check your makeup and see that your eyeliner bled all over your withering eggshell blouse. You pass the bowling lane waxer and he spitefully congratulates you for your meaningful contribution to society. Congratulations, you are a bowling alley waitress.

  Honorable mention:

  Sign holder in front of stores

  Inner city middle school teacher

  Courtesy caller

  Bouncer

15 Comments

1. #1 Alex says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 10:23 pm

   LMFAO @ #1! Great list as usual.
2. #2 TheMountain says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 10:30 pm

   LOL at this whole list. One of your best lists…amazing pictures too.LOL
3. #3 Ronnie Wiggtails says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 10:55 pm

   I work at Walmart, screw you sick people
4. #4 RedRedWineNeck82 says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 7:19 am

   Im sick of not having salad chef recognized as one of the worst jobs ever. A dude named Richmond will be coming after you with his dishwasher paycheck in one hand and a machete in the other coming for your heads at Old-Wizard. You malakas make me sick!
5. #5 The Irredeemable Shag says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 1:11 pm

   I’m glad you mentioned the Old-Wizard Maintenance staff; because if you hadn’t, I was going to!

   The Irredeemable Shag
   http://onceuponageek.com
6. #6 ben says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 6:22 pm

   where do you guys come up with these ideas?
7. #7 Bodank says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 8:25 pm

   This list could have been a top 10-er easily, but the descriptions of more jobs would be tiresome… hence the number 4 on the list.

   Sociologists would likely say this list represents the “Generation Y” approach to careers. Since I am part of this generation I will not discuss how or why since labels offend me…
8. #8 MacFergus says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 10:13 pm

   good list. a few more more suggestions for worst careers

   - shoe salesman at just for feet

   - sandwich artist at subway

   - waiter/waitress at large chain like cheesecake factory, applebees, chiles etc

   - professional pooper scooper

   - person at dillards whose job is to try to get customers to sample new moisturizing skin products
9. #9 Bug says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 2:17 pm

   amazing list. Sometimes I wish I could visit the living quarters behind the bowling lanes. I would imagine they must be noisy with all that bowling pin resetting going on constantly 24/7.
10. #10 Fail says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 10:01 am

    What, no jizz mopper? No “fluffer?” Garbage man?! Do you guys know what a bad job is?
11. #11 mr. roboto says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    Home Physicians. Chicago, IL
12. #12 Carl says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    LOL
13. #13 Bill Zebub says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 9:26 pm

    That picture of the walmart greeter is great.