• Top 20 Worst Video Games of All Time

  

  Written by Zeromage 102 Comments
  Last Updated:: May 1, 2008

  What makes a worst video game of all time? Poor story lines, insane difficulty, controlling issues to the point of broken screens… all these contribute towards video games that you threw out your window in disgust of wasting 3 dollars in renting them. On this list we prudently considered what games made us break the most things, and made us ask ourselves “how the fuck was this game ever made?” There were some obvious immediate choices like “Shaq Fu” and “ET”, and there were also some more personal choices like “Fatal Fury” and “Elevator Action”. Old-Wizard brings you these top 20 worst games of all time in hopes that you never have to experience the inexorably abominable game play that we’ve had to experience in playing a game like “Three Stooges”, where what you thought would be 2 days of rented video game euphoria turned out to be hours of personal disgust, wondering how it was possible you could have rented a game so bad. However, if you are one of those people who like to play bad video games because they make you feel better about yourself and ebullient about your own small accomplishments in life, then these are the games to play. As an elementary programmer, you probably have a decent chance at creating a game better than “Muscle”, and this doesn’t feel too bad.
  

  20. Yo! Noid (NES)

  Yo! Noid is about as much fun as eating left over pizza that was thrown in the garbage a week earlier. When an advertising slogan gets put into a video game, you can be sure it’s total ass. This game is no exception. “Yo! Noid” may be the best example of idiots in marketing who think that anything can be translated to a video game. This game is grotesquely difficult, much like “Ghost’s ‘n Goblins”. What’s more annoying though, is having absolutely no energy and no suit to protect you from just one enemy killing you. Even the smallest enemy can dominate the Noid into oblivion, making you wonder why the hell the Noid took it upon himself to save New York City. His weapon is a yo-yo, not a magic yo-yo like we find in Star Tropics, but a standard yo-yo, making you wonder even more why the Noid thinks he can save New York City, since he has no stamina and a fucking toy yo-yo. If you happen to be lucky beyond all understandable limits and get to the end of a level, you are put into a pizza eating contest while the city is on fire, making the Noid a hero with no stamina, a bad weapon, and no dedication to the task at hand. What’s worse, if you lose the pizza eating contest, you have to start the level over again. At that point, you throw the cartridge out the window and remain validated knowing how bad of an idea it always was to take a banal advertising signifier and assume it will be successful as a video game. I don’t think I ever ate at Dominos after playing this terrible excuse for a video game.

  19. Skate or Die (NES)

  Skate or Die? I would rather die then have to play Skate or Die ever again in this life time. The title screen shows some paltry loser who you want to beat on for looking so clownish. The game irritates you even more. You skate around different areas with the same ramps, same couple of maneuvers, and same impossible controller issues. Then when you finish an area you are bombarded with the same loser from the title screen, this time taking up even more space with his massive poaching noggin (who in their right mind would ever have a mo-hawk?) If you’re going to make a game called Skate or Die, how can it be one of the most pedestrian games ever made? Is it supposed to feel cutting edge because I’m looking at some goon with an ugly green mo-hawk? At least show a little bit of blood or anger when failing at these boring courses so that the game can merit the name “Skate or Die”. The same circle of courses proved to be quickly tedious, with little extra to spark any interest in playing further than five minutes, except if you like looking at 8-bit graphics of infirm skaters that may bring images of a “cool dude” flashing the rock hand signal at you when you were doing something cool. I suspect there are some people who like this trash. I should never meet these people, God willing.

  18. Where’s Waldo (NES)

  Who would have ever thought this game would have been a good idea? Okay, maybe if you were going to turn this NES installment into a superhero fighting game where Waldo had superpowers like something coming out of his glasses, but this installment turns out to be the same exact concept as the books, but only worse. At least in the books, you could spot Waldo.  The graphics and objects for the NES “Where’s Waldo” are so poor that everything equally looks like shit making it impossible to have any chance at finding him. Why not just stick with the books though in the first place? Who in their right mind would buy this game? It’s hard to imagine even 5 of these games being sold. Could you imagine anyone admitting to buying this dung when you could buy the nice clear, iridescent books? “Where’s Waldo” consists of a big screen with a cursor moving around over nondescript objects. You would think the sales department would have something to say about this. But as with other games that were brought from the TV screen to platform console, all that mattered was cashing in on a good idea, no matter how bad the idea was for a video game.

  17. Total Recall (NES)

  When a publisher releases a video game based on a movie, it seems they often depend on the movie hype to sell copies rather than concentrating on actually producing a quality game. Total Recall for the NES was one such game (we’ll see two more games based on movies on the list as well). It is nothing short of amazing to consider that a console as great as the NES, with its track record of wonderful movie titled games (like Star Wars), would allow for such a mediocre title to be released. To add insult to injury, the game was actually released by Acclaim! Everything about the game leaves something to be desired: the controls are unresponsive, the graphics are atrocious and the game play is just plain confusing. In addition, the story line and characters fail to even resemble those of the movie it is supposed to be portraying — which may not necessarily be a bad thing, since I didn’t like the movie, either.

  16. Top Gun (NES)

  Top Gun for the NES is probably the most boring, hackneyed game to ever be released for the great 8-bit system. It’s a flight simulator with no extra features, no stirring sounds, and no control to do anything but move forward and sometimes shoot planes that look more like computer speakers. All is well though you think because a game this easy and boring will surely be conquered in no time, but then after 50 attempts of trying to land your plane in an aircraft carrier, you realize that this game is not only odiously trite, but is impossible to end because it’s basically impossible to land your plane. When landing your plane on an aircraft carrier, you are given terse directions from your “command screen” which you follow. If you follow the directions 100% perfectly, you will have about a 5% chance of landing the plane. I have personally seen the plane landed once. I remember that eventful day. I was at a friend’s house and four of us were watching my friends’ father trying to overcome this insuperable task. The first time we saw it land, we had a party. I remember looking over at one of my friends who may have been crying out of joy, that the annoyingly impossible task could be circumvented. The excitement lasted until the end of the next level where we all knew it couldn’t happen again, and it didn’t.

  How is it possible for programmers to make such a monumental mistake in making a task to finish a level so impossible? You make the game for months on end, you have testers testing it out for months on end. Who let this one slip by? This banal attempt at a flight simulator combined with poor programming make this one of the worst games of all time.

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