• Top 10 Worst NES Games

  

  Written by Zeromage 43 Comments
  Last Updated:: December 10, 2008

  Everything in our past is nostalgic. We look back on our days of school, vacations, hell even arrests, with a strange fondness that seems to increase with age. The NES was definitely a breakthrough in gaming. We at Old-Wiz look back on it with a rose colored blindfold sometimes, but it wasn’t all roses. There were some horrible stinkers that we spent our measly allowances on back in the day. This week we took a break from trumpeting our youth to get cranky on the old NES for a spell, so here it is, the top ten NES crap-sticks. Enjoy.

  10. Yo! Noid

  Yo! Noid is about as much fun as eating left over pizza that was thrown in the garbage a week earlier. When an advertising slogan gets put into a video game, you can be sure it’s total ass. This game is no exception. “Yo! Noid” may be the best example of idiots in marketing who think that anything can be translated to a video game. This game is grotesquely difficult, much like “Ghost’s ‘n Goblins”. What’s more annoying though, is having absolutely no energy and no suit to protect you from just one enemy killing you. Even the smallest enemy can dominate the Noid into oblivion, making you wonder why the hell the Noid took it upon himself to save New York City. His weapon is a yo-yo, not a magic yo-yo like we find in Star Tropics, but a standard yo-yo, making you wonder even more why the Noid thinks he can save New York City, since he has no stamina and a fucking toy yo-yo. If you happen to be lucky beyond all understandable limits and get to the end of a level, you are put into a pizza eating contest while the city is on fire, making the Noid a hero with no stamina, a bad weapon, and no dedication to the task at hand. What’s worse, if you lose the pizza eating contest, you have to start the level over again. At that point, you throw the cartridge out the window and remain validated knowing how bad of an idea it always was to take a banal advertising signifier and assume it will be successful as a video game. I don’t think I ever ate at Dominos after playing this terrible excuse for a video game.

  9. Skate or Die

  Skate or die? I would rather die then have to play skate or die ever again in this life time. The title screen shows some paltry loser who you want to beat on for looking so clownish. The game irritates you even more. You skate around different areas with the same ramps, same couple of maneuvers, and same impossible controller issues. Then when you finish an area you are bombarded with the same loser from the title screen, this time taking up even more space with his massive poaching noggin (who in their right mind would ever have a mo-hawk?) If you’re going to make a game called Skate or Die, how can it be one of the most pedestrian games ever made? Is it supposed to feel cutting edge because I’m looking at some goon with an ugly green mo-hawk? At least show a little bit of blood or anger when failing at these boring courses to merit the name skate or die. The same circle of courses proved to be quickly tedious, with little extra to spark any interest in playing further than five minutes, except if you like looking at 8-bit graphics of infirm skaters that may bring images of a “cool dude” flashing the rock hand signal at you when you were doing something cool. I suspect there are some people who like this trash. These people I should never meet, God willing.

  8. Where’s Waldo

  Who would have ever thought this would have been a good idea? Okay, maybe if you were going to turn this NES installment into a superhero fighting game where Waldo had superpowers like something coming out of his glasses, but this installment turns out to be the same exact concept as the books, but only worse. At least in the books, you could spot Waldo, the graphics and objects for the NES “Where’s Waldo” are so poor that everything equally looks like shit making it impossible to have any chance at finding him. Why not just stick with the books though in the first place? Who in their right would buy this game? It’s hard to imagine even 5 of these games being sold. Could you imagine anyone admitting to buying this dung when you could buy the nice clear, iridescent books? “Where’s Waldo” consists of a big screen with a cursor moving around over non-descript objects. You would think the sales department would have something to say about this. But as with other games that were brought from the TV screen to platform console, all that mattered was cashing in on a good idea, no matter how bad the idea was for the video game system.

  7. Total Recall (NES)

  When a publisher releases a video game based on a movie, it seems they often depend on the movie hype to sell copies rather than concentrating on actually producing a quality game. Total Recall for the NES was one such game (we’ll see two more games based on movies on the list as well). It is nothing short of amazing to consider that a console as great as the NES, with its track record of wonderful movie titled games (like Star Wars), would allow for such a mediocre title to be released. To add insult to injury, the game was actually released by Acclaim! Everything about the game leaves something to be desired: the controls are unresponsive, the graphics are atrocious and the game play is just plain confusing. In addition, the story line and characters fail to even resemble those of the movie it is supposed to be portraying — which may not necessarily be a bad thing, since I didn’t much like the movie, either.

  6. The Three Stooges (NES)

  While most games are bad because the idea of the actual game being played is terrible, or because it is so difficult you can’t get by the first level, “Three Stooges” introduces a new reason why a game can be awful. Three Stooges is basically incomprehensible to play. For the most part you have no idea what you’re doing when you’re playing this game. You press start and you’re taken to an outside street with the three stooges where a Wheel of Fortune wheel comes out of thin air that picks what you’re supposed to do in the game. Next you notice that you’re in another random place where you have no idea what you’re supposed to do. You’re at a bowl of soup with a spoon in it. There are also what looks like pieces of cat excretion in the soup that you have to eat. Trying to control your spoon proves to be one of the more difficult tasks you will take on in this life. After a couple of minutes of throwing your controller at the screen you hear a sound that sounds like a box fan breaking down which I think is supposed to be one of the 3 stooges getting angry that you didn’t pass a test that you couldn’t control and knew nothing about, and had no idea how you got there, and why your eating soup with ambiguous objects inside. You next may randomly find yourself in a hospital flying down an operating room with a nurse picking up things she’s dropping. You have no idea what you’re picking up though. Once again, trying to control this fiasco proves excessively enigmatic, and once again you will be throwing your controller at the screen.

  This game is so bad, it’s difficult to review any longer. This is a perfect example of what happens when you try to take something from the TV or movie screen and apply it to video gamedom. Creators who want to cash in on screen success pay no attention to the garbage they’re putting out for the video game.

  5. Ghosts n’ Goblins

  A reoccurring theme for our top 10 worst NES games of all time has been when games have been so difficult that you had to buy a new tv from smashing your controller against it too much. There is no game that exemplifies this upshot from sheer difficulty like Ghosts ‘n Goblins. 1/8th through the first level you’re surrounded by mounds and mounds of enemies. As you’re walking as your character, you’re basically surrounded by a force field of enemies coming at you from every possible angle. Okay, maybe if you had a lot of energy or someone decent armor, you could take the level one onslaught of nefarious enemy’s. As you walk, you see you do have armor, looks like pretty strong armor, until a weak ass looking bird swoops down, barely hits you, and your armor comes flying off. Not even faux-Halloween armor is this poor. I’m pretty sure that if a bird touched a plastic armor suit that you wore for Halloween, it wouldn’t come flying off. As your worthless armor comes flying off, you’re left with an almost-naked character who is left with nothing on except underwear. Q: Who wears nothing under armor? Am I inept to mid-evil tradition or is there something completely untenable about someone wearing nothing under armor? Your basically left naked running around in the wild with a force field of petulant enemy’s surrounding you at every second. This stultifying game play leads you to give up after 1 to 2 minutes making you feel like shit and making you retire to much more germane games with more sane difficulty levels. When programmers make these games, don’t they realize these most obvious setbacks for the player? Setbacks so large, that they stop playing the game after 5 minutes?

  4. Joust

  Joust is unbearably boring. Same screen, same enemies, same poor sounds, no music. If one were looking for a legal soporific agent, Joust would be your best treatment. Who could possibly think this idea would keep the attention of the player beyond 30 seconds? When designing this game, who thought that this 1 screen sleep fest would be enough to justify its place in an entire cartridge? At least have a 2 nd game along with this garbage. At least have some weak ass side scroller with your jouster (who looks more like a flying ostrich) killing medieval enemies. Speaking of the enemies, what exactly are these things? How come all the players and enemies in “Joust” look like poorly designed birds? In Joust, you’re enveloped with one boring game, controlling something that looks like a bird, fighting against things that may or may not be more birds. Yes, the controls are simple; yes the concept is simple, but so simple that you don’t know why you should be playing this game after 30 seconds. That this ever retained a place in an arcade is beyond Old-Wizard. The sight of this NES cartridge at a used video game store induces the largest of yawns.

  3. Muscle

  The NES had a myriad of decent wrestling games under its belt including “Pro Wrestling” and “Wrestlemania”. It also held the worst wrestling game ever made, none other than “Muscle”. The biggest reason why Muscle is a terrible game is because of how boring it is. There are no moves, no real characters, and no dialogue. You start off the game by choosing between 9 ostensibly different players, who in reality are all exactly the same, except a slight discrepancy in the color of outfits and shape of face. The game is completely silent. You would think that if a wrestling game is going to be made, at least include some tension and excitement by adding crowd noise and an announcer, albeit an 8 bit incoherent announcer. You get none of this with “Muscle”. You get no music, no crowd noise, 2 or 3 boring moves with no choice of different characters unless your duped into thinking changing masks makes a wrestler completely different. It took about 3 minutes of playing this game to realize that you wasted 3 dollars on renting this soporific excuse for a wrestling game. Bring on “Pro Wrestling” where I can bash “Amazon” on the head with a steel chair and can use a character with a giant star in the middle of his head (Hint: When making games, use your fucking imagination!).

  2. Top Gun

  Top Gun for the NES is one of the most boring, hackneyed games to ever be released for the great 8-bit system. It’s a flight simulator with no extra features, no stirring sounds, and no control to do anything but move forward and sometimes shoot planes that look more like computer speakers. All is well though, you think, because a game this easy and boring will surely be conquered in no time, but then after 50 attempts of trying to land your plane on an aircraft carrier, you realize that this game is not only odiously trite, but is impossible to end because it’s basically impossible to land your plane. When landing your plane on an aircraft carrier, you are given terse directions from your “command screen” which you follow. If you follow the directions 100% perfectly, you will have about a 5% chance of landing the plane. I have personally seen the plane landed once. I remember that eventful day. I was at a friend’s house and four of us were watching my friend’s father trying to overcome this insuperable task. The first time we saw it land, we had a party. I remember looking over at one of my friends who may have been crying out of joy, that the annoyingly impossible task could be circumvented. The excitement lasted until the end of the next level where we all knew it couldn’t happen again, and it didn’t.

  How is it possible for programmers to make such a monumental mistake in making a task to finish a level so impossible? You make the game for months on end, you have testers testing it out for months on end. Who let this one slip by? This banal attempt at a flight simulator combined with poor programming make this one of the worst games of all time.

  1. Paperboy

  When you first see this game, you see the cover with a happy-go-lucky paperboy delivering papers. You think to yourself, well, a game about being a paper boy can’t be that much fun…but maybe it’s some sort of super-hero paperboy and that’s the reason why he’s so happy on the front cover! The game is opposite of the cover. After you play this game for 10 minutes, you realize the front cover should be a paperboy irritable beyond all bounds and maybe even sticking his middle finger up at the street dancers who have nowhere to dance except right in the middle of the fucking street you have to deliver on.

  It’s 8 o’ clock on a Monday morning and what does the entire neighborhood you deliver to do? They get up 2 hours early to conspire against you and make it impossible to get through half the street before you’re either run over, beat with a spatula, or have a myriad of dogs chasing you. If this game is going to be as difficult as it is, at least have an option of changing routes. At least be able to tell off your boss for giving you such a shitty route where you cant get half way down the street without your life being threatened with people who have nothing better to do than to try to dominate the paper boy. If they really don’t want their paper, then fuck them. Even if you’re able to evade the infinite obstacles towards delivering to 1 house, finding the accuracy to throw a paper into a mailbox is just as tendentious. Most of the time you lose points because your papers gravitate towards breaking the glass of the houses with people who spend their waking lives trying to destroy the paperboy.

  This game is tedious, grossly difficult, and absolutely no fun. To rent a game and not be able to get half way through the first level no matter what you do is ridiculous to say the least. This may be the worst game ever released for a platform system.

43 Comments

1. #1 ubldakj says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 10:01 pm

   So you guys would rather play Where’s Waldo over Ghosts and Goblins or Paperboy or even Joust? Shows how much you know. And by the way the “Jouster” in Joust is on a flying Ostrich. Idiots.
2. #2 TheMountain says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 10:26 pm

   Paperboy domination once again
3. #3 blazed says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 11:10 pm

   ghost n goblins rule its a great game… worst game my ass
4. #4 Jurass says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 11:11 pm

   Im sure Zeromage pown top10 tards list.
5. #5 ubldakj says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 11:36 pm

   I retract my previous comment. Sorry Im a queer and I like to criticize an article solely because I have no life and have nothing to do…
6. #6 Duff says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 11:38 pm

   @ubldakj,

   Im so glad you came to your senses!
7. #7 BRizzle says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 12:00 am

   A. Paperboy is awesome and playing it two player is even better, albeit frustrating. B. Ghost N Goblins is a beast game and only tards can’t beat the first level
8. #8 p@r@noid says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 12:29 am

   I think I had all those games, lol, and Paperboy was awesome. No way I would put Ghosts “n” Goblins on a top 10 worst games list.
9. #9 Johnny 5 says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 2:10 am

   Why is difficulty such a big negative? Top Gun, Ghosts n’ Goblins, and Paperboy were not impossible, they were difficult… big difference. In fact, they were hard as hell, but that’s not a bad thing.

   In the mass pandering to the casual audience, somehow the act of beating a level, or even a game as a whole, has shifted from being an accomplishment to being an eventuality. It’s almost never a matter of skill or practice anymore, it’s just a matter of whether the game keeps your attention long enough to beat it. Nevermind having to “continue” and retry something.

   Too bad they didn’t have trophies/achievements around 15-20 years ago when they actually would have meant something. Just think how many trophies should be changed from “beat whatever 1st level” to “played for more than 10 minutes.”
10. #10 Patrick says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 6:13 am

    The author of this list is missing the point for the Three Stooges NES game. The reason why you’re doing all that stuff like eating soup or running in the hospital and other stuff is to raise money to keep the orphanage running.
11. #11 Alex M says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 6:38 am

    You didn’t REALLY put Skate or die on this list, did you?
    that game was great just because of the opening song.
12. #12 Nick says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 8:36 am

    No LJN game?
13. #13 Duff says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    Man I’m gay.
14. #14 Weeji says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    “The NES had a myriad of decent wrestling games under its belt including “Pro Wrestling” and “Wrestlemania”.”

    Did you ever play “Wrestlemania”? The entire game consisted of punching, kicking, and running to the top of the screen to collect bouncing novelty items that seemingly did nothing.
15. #15 KierzoSBC says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 10:15 am

    I personally couldn’t give a shit about most of the games you’ve posted on there because for the most part I share your frustration with the likes of Top Gun and Ghosts n Goblins.

    That landing bit it Top Gun riled me to point of mass murder.

    However, you must be on Glue of you think Paperboy is the worst NES game ever. I still play the emulation of the SNES version on my PC and it still sucks me in. The gameplay in Paperboy is more addictive than crack and the obstacles, however tricky, are actually fun.

    I like starting a new level and seeing a new obstacle, maybe i’m wierd but it’s kinda like that feeling you get when you open a section of your advent calender, you know it’s not gonna be great but you’ve got this wierd excited curiosity to see what it is/does.
16. #16 stfulolerskayes says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    horrible list. how old are the authors of these lists anyways? back in the day playing a game that was difficult could be frustrating but it gave you that sense of accomplishment when you actually beat it. “omfg QQ this game suxxors because I died all the time and there’s no save point/checkpoint every 5 minutes for me to breeze through.” nut up.
17. #17 Patrick says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 1:57 am

    Dunno what problem the author of this list has with the old NES Three Stooges game. I actually had fun with the game. I had fun with the Trivia and the soup part
18. #18 NES Aficiando says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 9:58 am

    This list consists of some of the top 50 games of the NES. Top Gun, Paperboy, Three Stooges were all fun games. What were you playing, Friday the 13th?
19. #19 Chase357 says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    Ghosts n’ Goblins, Joust and Paperboy were arcade games. Therefore, they were designed with quick pick-up-and-play styled gameplay. Just because they’re tough quarter-sucking games doesn’t mean they suck. Do you really think games suck because they’re hard? I guess Mega Man, Ninja Gaiden and Battletoads suck as well…
20. #20 Gyb says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 12:06 am

    “Skate or die? I would rather die then have to play skate or die ever again in this life time.”

    Quote of the new century. XD
21. #21 Shadsilvson says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    Ghost’s n Goblins sucks. Get over it.
22. #22 George says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 5:56 am

    Thank you Shadsilvson. When will people learn, Ghost’s n Goblins is about as much fun as ass rape. I don’t have a problem with challenge, but the whole challenge of the game was broken design. You had no health, a terrible weapon, couldn’t take back your jumps, were too slow, it was shit. Ghost’s n Goblins was week old shit that wasn’t flushed.

    It sucks incomprehensible amounts of ass, and the only shittier games people defend are Paperboy, any Sonic game made after the Genesis, and Simon’s Quest, my god was Simon’s Quest un-fun.
23. #23 James Robert says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 6:12 am

    I’m guessing you NEVER saw a Three Stooges episode at all, huh? If you were even an occasional fan of the show, you’d get the game. If you’ve never seen the show, you’re sadly not qualified to comment.
24. #24 andy says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 10:31 am

    why isn’t friday the 13th on here that game i far worse than total recall
25. #25 BTG says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    Paperboy is fantastic. Gotta admire the creative minds that came up with a great game based on the job you had at 15. Breaking windows never got old, tons of interesting ways to F-up the paperboy, and while it was difficult, the feeling of accomplishment you got from beating it was… unbeatable.

    Just don’t ask me to land that f’in Top Gun plane.
26. #26 Adrian Reavill says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    Robocop. This movie and video game ruined my life. I was bullied about it at school.
27. #27 double k says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    PAPERBOY ROCKS!! what’s wrong with you? I agree with all the others though. Best games were Excitebike, RC Pro-Am, and Zelda (according to my wife!).
28. #28 Frozt says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 4:26 am

    As I was scrolling down this page was losing my interest the more I rolled my mousewheel down.

    Number 5 GnG? Sounds like an angry non-skilled kid building excuses.

    Number 1 Paperboy??? Sigh…
29. #29 james says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 12:16 am

    wow what about ghost busters! thaty should definatly be the worst game
30. #30 avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 11:02 am

    worst NES game is ACTION 52!
31. #31 avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 11:03 am

    and where are bible adventures and wizard of oz?
32. #32 jheit says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    Bible Adventures is a lot better than some of the other Wisdom Tree games (King of Kings), but I have to agree with avi on the fact Action 52 sucks… baaaaad…
33. #33 Common Sense says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    Great article.
34. #34 avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 11:32 am

    ya I haven’t played King of Kings and wizard of oz was snes my bad.
35. #35 avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 10:30 am

    this should be comment 35!
36. #36 avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 10:32 am

    o, it is? anyway, Paperboy was a good game. Ghosts ‘N’ Goblins sucks though.
37. #37 avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 10:35 am

    where da fuck is ghostbusters? dat’s 1 of the 3 worst games ever, along with Superman 64 and Big Rigs. I am also glad DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE.
38. #38 avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 10:36 am

    I am glad DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE didn’t make the list.
39. #39 avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 10:37 am

    wat about Fester’s Quest or even Bad Street Brawler?
40. #40 Genkitendo.com says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 1:52 am

    Wow you epically fail. G+Gs is an awesome all time classic game as is paperboy…..come to my site for REAL reviews, not this shit naming classic NES games as “worst”…Wheres Waldo is better than Paperboy? Youfail.
41. #41 heavycarcass says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    Guys your lists sucks!!
42. #42 Wolf says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 10:50 am

    Just because Ghost and Goblins is hard doesn’t make it a bad game and you’d rather play the 3 stooges than G&G or Joust?
43. #43 yep says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 2:02 am

    Xenophobe is the worst NES game I ever played.