• Top 10 Ways To Tell if You’re Reading an Old-Wizard List

  

  Written by Sage 29 Comments
  Last Updated:: July 9, 2009

  OW sucks. Let’s be honest. Their articles are dull and uninspired. They write about the same things over and over again. They harp on the same ideas over and over again and they think they are so cool. In fact their articles are so boring that they have recently been popping up all over the internet including on other people’s websites. It seems that OW has struck a cord with a few people and they feel we deserve to be quoted. But how can you tell if it’s an OW article or not? Well we have compiled some of the most common ways according to some of our bigger fans. These are the folks who come back every week to leave us a comment, send us an email, or post about us in some random forum or another. According to the statistics, our fact checking kittens, and the chimp we just hired these are the best ways to know you are reading an OW list.

  10. The first comment is “epic fail”

  Epic fail is the go to phrase for the disappointed or angry nerd. Most of these dregs spend so much time playing video games, reading about video games, and being big fat smelly morons that their brains have been turned to mush. Therefore they go for the simplest and easiest way to express their feelings. The fact that this little sentence has three syllables is almost more than the average nerd can bear, hence the even simpler phrase “fail”. Most nerds don’t or can’t read an entire OW article, there are too many words, punctuation marks, and the like. Usually they look at the pictures, read the titles, and then check to see if they should agree with it or write one of the two mentioned phrases above. OW if full of great jokes, deep insight, and thought provoking ideas. But because the average nerd can’t read, most of these gems stay buried in the verdant ore that is OW. One of the best ways to check if you are reading an OW article is to look at the first comment and if its “epic fail” you’re there.

  9. You’re at Work and All The Real Gaming Sites Are Blocked

  Finally a gaming site that isn’t blocked, thank God. Those TPS reports can do themselves, and who can remember if there is supposed to be a cover sheet these days?  Hmmm this is interesting it seems to be Nintendo themed but they make fun of Nintendo games and what are these music lists all about?  That’s weird for a video game site. Strange there doesn’t seem to be any reviews of new games and boy do they hate Sega. Ahhhh finally some serious articles on violence in video games, about time somebody started a dialogue on this issue. Wait, I don’t remember Louisiana being like that, and I’m pretty sure Q-bert is on a pyramid not stairs, this doesn’t seem serious at all. Actually these articles are almost irresponsible in their obviously cavalier attitude they are taking about a potentially serious issue. Man I’m starting to use big words too, and for no reason, this website is having a strange effect on me. Ok I guess I’ll just start reading some of their lists…what! This is outrageous, I haven’t finished reading the whole article but now I’m going to leave an angry comment because just the intro to this has mad me so pissed off. Well now I’m distracted from work, angry, and I know I’m not going to be able to get anything done. Stupid website.

  8. Full of Pretentious words

  To compensate for their lack of wit and jocularity, Old-Wizard uses tangential phrases and tropes to cover their lack of substantiality. Always looking for new ways to say obvious thoughts, Old-Wizard gets out the thesaurus consistently to shower their harangues with a maelstrom of verbosity. What ostensibly appears as a grandiose style is really just a flatulent and purloined panache of hubris. Old-Wizard never makes an admonition towards the exigency of a dictionary when glossematizing their virtual parchments. They just want the reader to suffer through their idiosyncratic language like trying to solve a Rebus. The Old-Wizard Rebus; an eternal elegy for enantiodrama.

  7. Not Very Funny

  If OW is anything it’s not funny. Boy do we try though, but no matter what we do we just piss people off. Little did we know that nerds can’t take a joke. And God forbid you contradict the generic opinions on all the nerd forums. Nope the only things that are funny are the things that people have already agreed are funny, oh and cat pictures with weird words typed on them. Those are funny. Mainly because of the extra ‘z’s everywhere. For some reason nerds like z in cat pictures but do not like rap or hip hop because of the extra z’s and miss pronunciation of words. Just to be clear cat pictures are good because of the miss spelled words and extra z’s, rap/hip hop bad because of the miss pronounced words and extra z’s. According to the nerd community as expressed through comments on our webpage and nerd forums, all OW does is make fun of stereotypes and that’s not funny. If, on the other hand, we posted pictures of cats we would be geniuses. We have learned that the only thing you can’t make fun of in the nerd community is the nerds themselves. Even when it’s not only funny but also true, which is the best kind of funny in our book. No OW is just a big mean website that is the bully of the internet community.

  6. Not Very Insightful

  God these jerks are so shallow. All they do is make fun of how fat, smelly, and gross I am. I’m so tired of hearing how I live in my parent’s basement, how my t-shirts aren’t funny, how extra baggy shorts which go down to my shoes aren’t pants, how there are more colors than black, how being a virgin isn’t a choice, how doing exactly what my gamer friends do isn’t unique, and how not taking my personal hygiene seriously is a big deal. Let’s be honest I don’t want to be another one of those corporate robots who go to work, have friends, hang out in public, have girlfriends, have money, have parties, have fun, laugh, go outside during the day, dress nice, shower, and generally look happy and presentable. They are only doing that because society dictates they have to. No, no, I’m happy in my little basement paradise. I love that nobody takes me seriously, that I don’t leave my mark on the world, that I haven’t contributed anything to society, that I just sit here and consume other people’s ideas and then rant how I could do it better using my parent’s computer and internet connection and then never doing it. No I’m happy and this website never makes me think at all. Just because they write things I’ve never read before and have opinions I’ve never heard before doesn’t make them as cool as they think they are. Nope I’m going to go on my favorite forum and agree with everyone else about what ever they already think is cool.

  5. You’re Offended

  On many occasions we have stated that we are only creating this website for our own personal entertainment. We don’t care what most people think, and we are never happier than when people write us angrily disagreeing with our opinions. Generally speaking we despise all things mainstream and rarely agree with the internet status quo. Despite this, our readership keeps growing and over 80% of those coming to OW return. We can only assume that we are so smart, so far above average, so much better, and so different than you it pisses you off to know end. One of the things we love above all is making fun of stereotypes. First because they are funny, and secondly people actually believe them. Go to a comicon, electronics trade show, or any other nerdfest and tell me that stereotypes don’t exists. All of these people are dressed exactly the same, terribly dressed I might add, and all of them claim to be unique or different. How? You look just like the next fat slob. Oh its society’s problem, no my friend it’s yours! You not taking your own appearance seriously is your problem, not society’s. The uniqueness of a person lies only in the personality, looking like, acting like, and dressing like a scum bag does in fact make you a scum bag. Are you offended? You should be.

  4. You’re Bored

  If OW is one thing its boring. All the articles are the same. Yes we get it Sega sucks, how many different ways can these idiots possibly say that? Yes, yes Oasis is the best and it’s completely obvious that the Beatles copied them. Man reading these articles makes me sleepy, not angry, nope just sleepy. Everything on this place is exactly the same as everything else on the internet. Nope, nothing new here all the same so boring. Oh look they think Mario is better than Sonic, well who doesn’t?  Nobody in their right mind would like Sonic more. Yup they think Sonic is a copy of Mario too, well so does everybody, who cares? Yeah this place isn’t different who cares blah, blah, blah. Its all the same.

  3. Mentions Oasis

  It should be known that the only person here at OW that truly loves Oasis is ZM. His office at OWHQ is a veritable shrine to them. What’s worse is that there is absolutely no arguing with him about it at all. He knows so many stats, figures, and facts that you become instantly bogged down in numbers, conspiracy theories, and youtube videos. Once we had an intervention with all of our friends and family. Afterword he had convinced five new people about the superiority of Oasis and sold copies of his CDs, needless to say it was a total disaster. What’s worse is that he tries to get the staff to slip his ideas into their articles. If you’re writing anything positive about music you’ll hear, “Oasis has to be number one, to keep the website consistent.” Why we have to be consistent about Oasis and absolutely nothing else completely escapes both myself and DM entirely. Hopefully this article makes it past the ZM edit, we’ll see, as he is relentless in his campaign to make sure everyone knows how awesome he thinks Oasis is.  DM and I have completely different musical tastes both from each other and from ZM, but he pays the bills so we are stuck. Go Oasis, Noel Gallager for life, Wonderwall, yeah!

  2. Makes fun of Sega

  Sega sucks. I know we have beaten that horse to death but we here at OW want to make sure we are on record about our feelings on this issue. If for some reason you are confused about who wrote the article see if it makes fun of Sega for no reason at all. I once wrote an article about economic sustainability of the Ecuadorian grape market as it relates to the Chilean wine industry and was able to slip a backhanded insult about Sega into the article. Our obsession with the destruction of Sega knows absolutely no bounds and may be the only thing consistent about this website. There isn’t any point in rehashing all the details about why we think Sega sucks, suffice it to say they aren’t in business anymore and are now making games for Nintendo. You can say whatever you want, come up with whatever argument you want; oh Sega was more creative, Sega was art, Sega was this, Sega was that, yeah well, Sega doesn’t make a system anymore. They failed. That is the crux of our argument and we always win our arguments. It’s hard to deny the facts, friends.

  1. Written by Zeromage

  ZM is the backbone of this bad boy and maybe the shoulders too. Definitely, the backbone, and the shoulders, oh and the brains. ZM is those three things, the backbone, the shoulders, the brains, and the heart. Hmmm, among the many analogies to the human body that ZM represents in reference to the website old-wizard.com he is; the backbone, the shoulders, the heart, the brains, and the lower intestine (because of all the poo this place puts out). He definitely writes the most, but he also stay on top of the rest of us to get shit done too. We all get those IM’s asking if we have the blurbs done or the phone call to shoot some ideas around. Never in my life have I talked to one person so much about how to piss off as many people as possible as I have with ZM. Though pissing off people isn’t really our mission all the time, maybe 25%, generally our opinions are really just that much different from the generic nerdy slobs your find in the N4g forums. There is no doubt however that without this dedicated effort there would be no OW and the world would most certainly be a better place. All those angry nerds could just be mad at is themselves for how much their lives suck. Now thanks to ZM we here at OW have become the scapegoat. So get back on those forums and make sure the world knows just how mad you are at us for pointing out the truth. That’s right we’re not making fun of you we’re telling you the truth….fatty.

29 Comments

1. #1 Delta says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 10:03 pm

   EPIC FAIL!! You’ve offended me with your boring attempts to be insightful!!
2. #2 Kapam says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 9:55 am

   I love you guys. And I would totaly join the cult worshipping you with big statues of you old wizards, beating Sonic to death. I mean it.
   If you finaly do that whole OW-religion thing, I’m in!
   Thanks for much entertainement over the past years, I love you guys.
3. #3 POLISH POUNDER says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 4:46 pm

   Hilarious article.
4. #4 IH8U says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 4:49 pm

   When are you guys gonna call it a day already? Your articles are about as insightful as a 6th grader writing a book report on a video game manual.

   I hope your site implodes sooner rather than later.
5. #5 chaos says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 6:57 pm

   Know what’s funny? One day you won’t be writing these awful articles anymore, and the same argument you make against Sega can be made towards you.

   But I don’t think anyone will remember this site anyway.
6. #6 supra5mge says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 6:58 pm

   #8 was the single most funny thing i have read in quite a while. Thank you for that, it was great!
7. #7 BERSERKR says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 9:37 pm

   I don’t always agree with your guy’s opinions but anybody who gets offended by what you write its only because in their case its true:P

   I am almost unoffendable:P(is that a real word?)

   Keep up the good fight you guys.
8. #8 LOL says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 6:20 am

   This is just…sad
   trying to cover up making horrible articles? FAIL!
   just cause’ people have opinion doesn’t mean you should bash them it’s your fault that the articles suck anyway
   I know this comment will be blocked/deleted anyway
9. #9 bleh says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 6:22 am

   how to tell a old wizrd article? sum it up to this:”It sucks”
10. #10 ima420r says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 10:32 am

    I dunno if I want to do the whole “you suck blah blah blah” thing or “great list as always blah blah blah”. I think I’ll just go with: blah blah blah.

    Wait, I forgot something.

    Blahz, blahz blahz.

    Gotz 2 have teh Zs (and spell the wrong!).
11. #11 Buikus says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 12:22 am

    This article is just like this site. It sucks. You guys are all idiots. And only an idiot would read this site. It IS epic fail. Just like your readers. Fucking nerds.
12. #12 Delta says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 1:37 am

    If only an idiot would read this site, why are you on it so much Buikus? Well, I guess if you believe that, you’d feel you HAVE to read the site. Since you have to be an idiot comparable to 29 generations of direct inbreeding, first generation are parents, to be a Hulk fanboy.

    So if you really think this site’s for idiots, you’re compelled to be here. Like a mouth to flame.
13. #13 UP2IP2 says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 3:13 am

    This site sucks its just a bunch Nintendo whores
    with realy boring topics
14. #14 Avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 10:46 am

    a perfect old-wizard list.
15. #15 Wild Bill says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    This list was hilarious.

    @Buikus:

    If you don’t like it, then get the fuck out of here.
16. #16 Tom Immortal says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    Good article.
17. #17 DM says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    I’d like to be whatever hand has a ring on it, so I can pimprack half of our nay-sayers (the other half have valid complaints). Oh, and sometimes ZM, too.
18. #18 Jc says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 1:38 am

    I love this website. Even if i’m a sega fan. Oops

    Aniway you are smarter than the average blogger, and funny. Don’t let the d-bag annoy you!
19. #19 gidi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 1:40 am

    I love this website it rox
20. #20 Avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    this website is decent.
21. #21 Old-Wizard Fan says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    This website is awesome. You can consider me your number one fan after reading this article. Its so sad that so many people don’t see the irony in what you guys write. I found your site after doing a google search for Top 10 Hardest Video Games, and I subsequently spent a good two hours reading through the other “Top Lists” you have on your site, and I must have spent 90% of the time laughing. Your articles are well thought out and funny, something you don’t see very often these days. And the comments are the best part. Seeing how mad you make people by leaving off their favorite video game from 20 years ago on a Top 10 list is hilarious. I’ve added this site to my favorites and I’ll be coming back often. Cheers!
22. #22 Geoff says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 7:25 pm

    The pricks above me work for Old Wizard.
23. #23 Avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 12:39 am

    Sega fans working for O-W?
24. #24 cody floyd says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 2:48 am

    this is an okay website.
25. #25 Avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    comment glitch still in action.
26. #26 LEGONESFISH says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 10:00 am

    this is definitely the best website on the internet (aside from that guy with the glasses). The articles you write are great, my only criticism is that you guys should concentrate less on music, they are the worst articles, but all the rest are good
27. #27 avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 10:55 am

    LEGONESFISH is right replace that guy with the glasses with utube.
28. #28 TTG says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    Great and funny list, as usual. Personally, even when I disagree with what you write, your lists are fun and enjoyable to read, and that’s all that matters.
    And as for the bashing of that comment by Buikus, maybe I’m wrong, but it sure sounded like it was intended as a joke. Hopefully, anyway.
29. #29 Greg says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 12:28 pm

    LMFAO. This list was great!