• Top 10 Ways to Tell if You Suck at Video Games

  

  Written by Zeromage 234 Comments
  Last Updated:: March 2, 2009

  There are some games I’m just not good at.  I’ll admit that I’m terrible at Top Gun (landing the plane) and Ghosts n’ Goblins where I can’t even get past the first level.  While I may not be the best at these games, I know that I have talent elsewhere, like in being able to complete Super Metroid in a radically quick time and being able to beat the Mario Lost Levels, which we know most people can’t even come close to beating.  There are definite signs that you’re absolutely terrible at video games in general.  In this list, we’ll go through these reasons.  If you fit 4 out of 10 of these reasons, it’s best if you lay down the controller, or if you still want to play video games go and buy Lego Star Wars.  Unless you like embarrassing yourself, it would not be good to admit to anyone else that you suffer from one of these reasons below.

  10. You can’t beat Mario 2

  How easy of a game is Mario 2? Take away the warp zones that take you to the last level. Let’s say you don’t find them and you have to go through the whole game without warping anywhere.  Still, this game is easy as fuck. All the bosses are predictable, the puzzles are simple, and evading that flying mask who chases you when you have a key is like evading Zangief in Street Fighter (also on this list).  There isn’t anything about this game that’s hard. Get the warp zone to the final level and it would become an easy game that could be finished in ten minutes. Take on Wart at the end and it’s like you’re fighting Zangief (yes, Zangief is the ultimate sign of the easiest character to beat of all time). No bosses are hard, no levels are hard. You need to be able to beat Mario 2 to be able to consider yourself a gamer.

  9. You go into the third round with Glass Joe in Mike Tyson’s Punchout

  In most fighting games, the first person you fight is not even meant to teach you how to play the game.  It’s just meant to give you confidence in order to fight the next opponent, where  you really start developing your skills to beat a game.  This is seen nowhere more conspicuously than fighting Glass Joe in Mike Tyson’s Punchout.  He should go down the first round if there is any hand-eye coordination in the gamer.  Glass Joe basically stands still and lets you hit him.  He’s a human punching bag and has a 1-99 record for the reason (who the hell did he beat?).  Even when he stands back and pretends like he’s getting pumped up, he comes back down to the ring and does nothing but wait 3 seconds to give a slow uppercut.  If you are in the third round with Glass Joe, Von Kaiser was ganna pulverize you.  It is ironic though that Glass Joe had such a high ranking on our “Top 10 fighters from Punchout” list.  Why?  You’ll just have to go and read it to see for yourself.

  8. You can’t get out of the Super Metroid Space Station in time

  In the beginning of Super Metroid, you land on a ship with fellow scientists who are down and out from an attack by Ridley.  As you go in to try to save the baby Metroid from his clutches, Ridely decides to destroy the space station.  You have something like a minute to get out of the space station which takes about 20 seconds to get out of if you were going slowly.  This initial tense moment is to give the gamer confidence that he can at least escape a space station that gives you more than enough time to escape.  If you can’t get out of there in time, it’s best to stop playing the game because it only gets harder, much harder.

  7. You can’t beat Zangief in Street Fighter 2

  When you played Street Fighter 2, you would gain huge relief when it came time to fight Zangief.  After having to fight Ryu, E. Honda, and Ken, you were overwhelmed with ease knowing you had to fight this slow inflexible Russian.  He had no jumping power, and he had no special fireball he could throw at you.  All he could do was move towards you slowly and try to pile drive you.  A couple dropkicks and a fireball would keep him at bay the entire fight.  If you couldn’t beat Zangief, you couldn’t beat anyone.  Forget about fighting someone as easy as Guile, Guile would put a whooping on you if this worst character in all the Street Fighter series had his way with you.  It’s hard to imagine anyone losing to Zangief, even beginners.  If you lost to him, you could only hope that no one else saw it.

  6. You use your whip instead of axes against the Bat boss in level 1 of Castlevania 1

  Who the fuck couldn’t figure this one out?  The last weapon you can get before facing the bat boss in Castlevania 1 is the axe.  When you get to him, there are blocks all the way to the right that he could never penetrate.  You stand there and throw your axes at the dumbass flying bat.  Who in their right mind would engage this moron and lose 1 energy bar with a whip when you are given an axe to use right beforehand and blocks to hide behind to throw axes at him the whole time?  This again is another example of simple intuitive reasoning that goes into game play.  Konami wanted you to gain confidence in the first level to be able to take on the trickier 2nd level with the dropping chain spikes that you had to pass by with perfect timing; that wouldn’t be happening though, if you couldn’t figure out that the bat boss of level 1 was to be beat with the Axe weapon.

  5. You have yet to discover the first warp zone in Mario 1

  You’ve played Mario 1 for your whole life and you still don’t know where the first warp zone is in level 1-2.  From all those times you have played the game, you have yet to see that those elevators can raise to an upper platform that you can actually walk on.  You never even tried it.  You just assumed that you have to go through Mario level by level and there were no tricks for skipping levels.  This lack of intuitiveness goes a long way to speaking strongly in favor of you sucking at video games.  Childish curiosity is enough to get Mario risen up on those elevators to the upper level.  If you couldn’t find this warp zone, you probably had to have someone beat the first level for you.

  4. You can’t beat Johnny Cage in Mortal Kombat

  Johnny Cage was a joke.  What moron would go into another dimension to fight monsters, magicians and gods with sunglasses on and no noticeable powers or fighting skills?  You would think a fighter with this much confidence to enter into a battle would have some skill, but he didn’t.  He was a below average fighter and had no good special powers.  If you lost to him, you wouldn’t be able to beat anyone else in Mortal Kombat.  Actually lets change the reason for this one real quick.  You suck even more at video games if you actually used Johnny Cage.  You suck at video games times ten if you lost to Johnny Cage using Johnny Cage.  This is the ultimate double fail.

  3. You quit Pac-Man because you couldn’t find your way out of the Maze

  This place was tricky, scary (with all those ghosts running around), and impossible to get out of.   Thank God for all the food or you might starve to death. I mean how do you get out of this maze?   It sort of looks like there’s a couple of exits on the sides, but when you go through them you come back through the other end. Well its best to save the food then, who knows how long you’ll be stuck in here, careful rationing is the smart thing to do. That’s what sets you apart from the other gamers.  You get it.  You see how the game works instantly, and you set a carefully laid out plan, and then stick to it. You’ll get out of this maze. It may take a while to figure it out, but you’ll do it.

  2. You miss with a red shell in Super Mario Kart

  If there ever was a sure thing it was the red shell. In battle mode all your friends shuttered with fear and scattered to the far corners of the map to get away from you. If you’re racing your buddy who is in first place, he starts to quiver when you get a red shell. But why? Its just a shell and you’re not sure what all the commotion is about. Its probably best to just shoot the thing off so you can get another item.  Who cares anyway, its just another shell, and the green ones aren’t all the useful. What’s so different about the red ones?  It’s sort of like giving the French army a homing missile, God know how they are going to use it. No matter what you do you miss and with these things that says a lot.
  

  1. You Play Pokemon

  Most RPGs are difficult, but not this one. This walking, talking marketing campaign is easy, uses small words with big fonts, has pretty colors and is exactly the same no matter what version you pick up. The fact that it only took you ten minutes to catch them all and then the corporate fat cats over in Japan pop out another one never seemed suspicious to you at all. Neither does the logo ( gotta catch ‘em all) that doesn’t seem like a ploy to sell mass quantities of terrible merchandise at all. But who cares?   All that matters is that good feeling you get after you beat each game.  It sure makes you feel smart, and who cares if these games were so obviously made for children with short attention spans. You caught them all and thats all that matters.

  Related Articles: Top 10 Easiest Video Games of All Time

234 Comments

1. #1 Delta says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 3:15 am

   “How anyone can be retarded enough to like FF over Pokemon is way beyond me…….FF isn’t even a game compared to Pokemon.”

   Probably because a lot of Japanophiles are into all that annoy emo shit. Oh by the way, I cheered when Aeris died.
2. #2 TwiTchy says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 4:06 pm

   this is a horrible list. These are all old games. yes the old games are better but shit. if you play pokemon how does that make u bad at video games, that just sounds like your hating on pokemon. Im sure if you pop in a copy of halo gears of war G.R.A.W. or call of duty, you would get ur nub ass pwnd
3. #3 Aaron says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 4:12 pm

   You know jack ass, Im guessing you’ve never played final fantasy before in your life because pokemon is like eating pizza, rubbed on an ass that hasnt been wiped for about a month. Oh by the way. Im not japanese and neither is old wizard. Im American and they are sweden.
4. #4 Delta says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 4:19 pm

   Actually Aaron, I have played FINAL FANTASY before. Only part of it, I couldn’t get into the game. Couldn’t get into how poorly it controlled, how limited the combat system was so early into it, and annoyed by both the story and art style of the game.

   But you’ve proven you’re an idiot. I never called you or Old-Wizard Japanese. If you were half-way competent, you’d know that a Japanophile is someone who thinks that anything silly and from Japan is automatically great, no matter how stupid, annoying, incoherent, or inane it is. Like FINAL FANTASY.
5. #5 Seldon says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 4:28 pm

   It seems like no one agrees with Delta. EVER.
6. #6 Aaron says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 4:28 pm

   you know loser, I was wondering, how often do you go outside? I’m just saying I dont know video game slang like japanophile. So how often do you go outside? Maybe once a month? You’ve probably got no real friends because you just sit around all day writing rebutals on video game sites. I don’t normally come here, I just read alot of these because they are funny and because I actually play the games they are talking about. But don’t worry about haveing no friends, Im sure your dating acount at “lonelyloser.com” will kick in someday.
   P.S. When I said I play the games they talk about I didnt count pokemon or sega.
7. #7 TwiTchy says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 4:29 pm

   aaron, your gay
8. #8 Seldon says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 4:30 pm

   LOL. Yeah Aaron, I get that same impression of Delta. He constantly argue with everyone about how great Superman is, and if you don’t agree with him he’ll make fun of your mom. So watch out.
9. #9 Delta says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 4:36 pm

   lmao You guys are both so fucking pathetic.

   Aaron, oh, the little fact that I said “Japanophile” and not “Japanese” would kinda make it obvious that I was NOT referring to Japanese people.

   And Japanophile isn’t video game slang, it’s referring to idiots in general who think anything silly and from Japan is great, no matter how stupid, annoying, incoherent or inane it is.

   And the fact that you even play FINAL FANTASY says a lot. You have no place to call me a loser.

   And have plenty of friends, and I’m married too. Doesn’t look like I’m so lonely.

   And how hilarious Seldon “backs you up.” Basically neither of you can really counter me. Oh how the stupid support each other.
10. #10 Seldon says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 4:39 pm

    I’m sure when you say you’re married, you mean to a 50 yr old dude with a female avatar on Second Life.
11. #11 Delta says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    Hey Seldon, say whatever you want to. You do need to make yourself feel better and all. After all, you can’t back up a fucking thing you claim and pitch a hissy fit when you realize it.

    And you say I only have insults to fall-back on. I’m pointing-out all your faults and ripping apart your pathetic attempts at arguments. But have a nice time with your life partner. You know, your right hand. Or did you leave it for your left? Threesomes with KY are nice for ya I bet.
12. #12 HAHA says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    Ha, Delta just completely owned you guys here, face the facts. I’m fairly convinced that every insult you’ve used against Delta such as “You only go outside once a month.” was from direct experience. In other words, you do this yourself and being ashamed of your terrible and insignificant life you analyzed what made it so bad, and decided to use that against others in an online argument. Thus, making Delta’s description of you guys as pathetic every type of accurate.
13. #13 Anonymous says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 12:37 am

    This list is made by people. And they made a mistake. They think that a cheesy marketing ploy and the fact that pokemon comes from Japan makes the series terrible. Well, games are meant to entertain, and that is exactly what this game does for me. I don’t think it is very proffessional to make a list without first stating that it is their own opinion. Plus, the games keep selling, so to their point that it “sucks”, There are millions of people that would disagree with you.
14. #14 TrueGamer619 says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    TwItchy if you think casual noob friendly games like Gears of War, and ESPECIALLY Call of Duty, you must suck. Everyone knows that those games are for the people who suck. Only game that remotely takes skill is GRAW and even then, it requires more teamwork than actual individual skill. TwItchy, you are NOT a gamer, therefore your inexperienced opinion does NOT matter.
15. #15 TrueGamer619 says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    I agree with this list. BTW, anyone who does not like a Final Fantasy game is not a gamer. Only way someone can get bored with something great is if they are a ADHD addled kid who does not have the gaming experience to play a RPG.
16. #16 Delta says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    Why would I like a game for Japanophile emos? The FINAL FANTASY games I’ve tried were incredibly boring and annoying.

    It’s not that I’m not a gamer. It’s that I’m not an idiot loser who thinks anything silly and from Japan is great no matter how stupid, incoherent, inane or annoying it is.
17. #17 TrueGamer619 says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 1:54 pm

    I don’t either, but you must have ADD in order to not enjoy FF games. I AGREE 100% that the male characters (FFVII on up) look like gay emo kids, but if you are a true gamer, you will actually look pass that and enjoy the actual game. If you can’t enjoy a FF, you prob are not a gamer. BTW “loser” is such a overused cliched insult. Where is the originality?
18. #18 Delta says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    I overlooked the annoying art style, and the fact that the guys are so pretty that most are mistaken for chicks. Hell, Tidus is one of the most masculine looking guys, and a friend of mine’s dad had walked in and said, “Who’s she?”

    And ADHD has nothing to do with me not liking FINAL FANTASY. It’s an overrated franchise, I found it quite boring. I’ve played games that require patient, more so than FINAL FANTASY. There was nothing I found redeeming about it.
19. #19 avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    what is ”ADHD?”
20. #20 Delta says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
21. #21 TrueGamer619 says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    Overrated yes, but to miss out on it would not be a wise idea. many games are overrated. Does not mean that they are bad games. I doubt you beat any. If you did, which ones?
22. #22 Delta says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    How do I need to beat a game to decide if I like it or not? If it bores me so much I have to turn the console off, why should I have to endure more of the game to say I don’t like it? I’m not a professional video game reviewer, so unless I just have to up my Gamerscore, I don’t have to play games I don’t like all the way through.
23. #23 HAHA says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 6:37 pm

    Listen th FUCK up everybody. Anyone who thinks that you have to play a certain type of game in order to be classified as a “gamer” is so obviously fucking wrng its not even funny. I could play duck hunt all day and suck out SO bad, but considering I am in fact play a GAME, makes me a gamer. And to diminish one game to make another seem better or more difficult to beat than another is only furthuring your stupidity.
24. #24 George says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    People are bad at video games because they play pokemon? You people are sad. Just because people play it doesnt mean they suck. I played Gold and I beat super Mario 2 lost levels on my second try
25. #25 Jason Statham says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 6:40 am

    You are a giant dickhead because pokemon is the best game on this planet or any of the other planets including pluto which is a planet so youre gay.
26. #26 thomas says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    the funny shit about the street fighter picture is how the ken is almost fucking dead. not evading too well if you’re almost fucking KO’d, i guess. i’m willing to bet whoever made this list fucking sucks shit at video games really, really bad
27. #27 LocalMan says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 8:16 am

    I discovered this site tonight. And with only reading 4-5 articles I can see numerous biases off the bat. Im sorry Old Wizard but you lost a potential fan. There is a fine line between being objective and being biased and bitter as hell