Top 10 Ways to Tell if You Suck at Video Games

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Top 10 Ways to Tell if You Suck at Video Games

Written by Zeromage 249 Comments
Last Updated:: March 2, 2009

There are some games I’m just not good at. I’ll admit that I’m terrible at Top Gun (landing the plane) and Ghosts n’ Goblins where I can’t even get past the first level. While I may not be the best at these games, I know that I have talent elsewhere, like in being able to complete Super Metroid in a radically quick time and being able to beat the Mario Lost Levels, which most people can’t even come close to beating. There are definite signs that you’re absolutely terrible at video games in general. In this list, we’ll go through these reasons. If you fit 4 out of 10 of these reasons, it’s best if you lay down the controller, or if you still want to play video games go and buy Lego Star Wars. Unless you like embarrassing yourself, it would not be good to admit to anyone else that you suffer from one of these reasons below.

10. You quit Pac-Man because you couldn’t find your way out of the Maze

This place was tricky, scary (with all those ghosts running around), and impossible to get out of. Thank God for all the food or you might starve to death. I mean how do you get out of this maze? It sort of looks like there’s a couple of exits on the sides, but when you go through them you come back through the other end. Well its best to save the food then, who knows how long you’ll be stuck in here, careful rationing is the smart thing to do. That’s what sets you apart from the other gamers. You get it. You see how the game works instantly, and you set a carefully laid out plan, and then stick to it. You’ll get out of this maze. It may take a while to figure it out, but you’ll do it.

9. You go into the third round with Glass Joe in Mike Tyson’s Punchout

In most fighting games, the first person you fight is not even meant to teach you how to play the game. It’s just meant to give you confidence in order to fight the next opponent, where you really start developing your skills to beat a game. This is seen nowhere more conspicuously than fighting Glass Joe in Mike Tyson’s Punchout. He should go down the first round if there is any hand-eye coordination in the gamer. Glass Joe basically stands still and lets you hit him. He’s a human punching bag and has a 1-99 record for the reason (who the hell did he beat?). Even when he stands back and pretends like he’s getting pumped up, he comes back down to the ring and does nothing but wait 3 seconds to give a slow uppercut. If you are in the third round with Glass Joe, Von Kaiser was ganna pulverize you. It is ironic though that Glass Joe had such a high ranking on our “Top 10 fighters from Punchout” list. Why? You’ll just have to go and read it to see for yourself.

8. You can’t get out of the Super Metroid Space Station in time

In the beginning of Super Metroid, you land on a ship with fellow scientists who are down and out from an attack by Ridley. As you go in to try to save the baby Metroid from his clutches, Ridely decides to destroy the space station. You have something like a minute to get out of the space station which takes about 20 seconds to get out of if you were going slowly. This initial tense moment is to give the gamer confidence that he can at least escape a space station that gives you more than enough time to escape. If you can’t get out of there in time, it’s best to stop playing the game because it only gets harder, much harder.

7. You can’t beat Zangief in Street Fighter 2

When you played Street Fighter 2, you would gain huge relief when it came time to fight Zangief. After having to fight Ryu, E. Honda, and Ken, you were overwhelmed with ease knowing you had to fight this slow inflexible Russian. He had no jumping power, and he had no special fireball he could throw at you. All he could do was move towards you slowly and try to pile drive you. A couple dropkicks and a fireball would keep him at bay the entire fight. If you couldn’t beat Zangief, you couldn’t beat anyone. Forget about fighting someone as easy as Guile, Guile would put a whooping on you if this worst character in all the Street Fighter series had his way with you. It’s hard to imagine anyone losing to Zangief, even beginners. If you lost to him, you could only hope that no one else saw it.

6. You use your whip instead of axes against the Bat boss in level 1 of Castlevania 1

Who the fuck couldn’t figure this one out? The last weapon you can get before facing the bat boss in Castlevania 1 is the axe. When you get to him, there are blocks all the way to the right that he could never penetrate. You stand there and throw your axes at the dumbass flying bat. Who in their right mind would engage this moron and lose 1 energy bar with a whip when you are given an axe to use right beforehand and blocks to hide behind to throw axes at him the whole time? This again is another example of simple intuitive reasoning that goes into game play. Konami wanted you to gain confidence in the first level to be able to take on the trickier 2nd level with the dropping chain spikes that you had to pass by with perfect timing; that wouldn’t be happening though, if you couldn’t figure out that the bat boss of level 1 was to be beat with the Axe weapon.

5. You have yet to discover the first warp zone in Mario 1

You’ve played Mario 1 for your whole life and you still don’t know where the first warp zone is in level 1-2. From all those times you have played the game, you have yet to see that those elevators can raise to an upper platform that you can actually walk on. You never even tried it. You just assumed that you have to go through Mario level by level and there were no tricks for skipping levels. This lack of intuitiveness goes a long way to speaking strongly in favor of you sucking at video games. Childish curiosity is enough to get Mario risen up on those elevators to the upper level. If you couldn’t find this warp zone, you probably had to have someone beat the first level for you.

4. You can’t beat Johnny Cage in Mortal Kombat

Johnny Cage was a joke. What moron would go into another dimension to fight monsters, magicians and gods with sunglasses on and no noticeable powers or fighting skills? You would think a fighter with this much confidence to enter into a battle would have some skill, but he didn’t. He was a below average fighter and had no good special powers. If you lost to him, you wouldn’t be able to beat anyone else in Mortal Kombat. Actually lets change the reason for this one real quick. You suck even more at video games if you actually used Johnny Cage. You suck at video games times ten if you lost to Johnny Cage using Johnny Cage. This is the ultimate double fail.

3. You can’t beat Mario 2

How easy of a game is Mario 2? Take away the warp zones that take you to the last level. Let’s say you don’t find them and you have to go through the whole game without warping anywhere. Still, this game is easy as fuck. All the bosses are predictable, the puzzles are simple, and evading that flying mask who chases you when you have a key is like evading Zangief in Street Fighter (also on this list). There isn’t anything about this game that’s hard. Get the warp zone to the final level and it would become an easy game that could be finished in ten minutes. Take on Wart at the end and it’s like you’re fighting Zangief (yes, Zangief is the ultimate sign of the easiest character to beat of all time). No bosses are hard, no levels are hard. You need to be able to beat Mario 2 to be able to consider yourself a gamer.

2.You miss with a red shell in Super Mario Kart

If there ever was a sure thing it was the red shell. In battle mode all your friends shuttered with fear and scattered to the far corners of the map to get away from you. If you’re racing your buddy who is in first place, he starts to quiver when you get a red shell. But why? Its just a shell and you’re not sure what all the commotion is about. Its probably best to just shoot the thing off so you can get another item. Who cares anyway, its just another shell, and the green ones aren’t all the useful. What’s so different about the red ones? It’s sort of like giving the French army a homing missile, God know how they are going to use it. No matter what you do you miss and with these things that says a lot.

1. You Play Pokemon

Most RPGs are difficult, but not this one. This walking, talking marketing campaign is easy, uses small words with big fonts, has pretty colors and is exactly the same no matter what version you pick up. The fact that it only took you ten minutes to catch them all and then the corporate fat cats over in Japan pop out another one never seemed suspicious to you at all. Neither does the logo ( gotta catch ‘em all) that doesn’t seem like a ploy to sell mass quantities of terrible merchandise at all. But who cares? All that matters is that good feeling you get after you beat each game. It sure makes you feel smart, and who cares if these games were so obviously made for children with short attention spans. You caught them all and thats all that matters.

Related Articles: Top 10 Easiest Video Games of All Time

249 Comments

#1 Delta says:
March 10th, 2010 at 3:15 am

“How anyone can be retarded enough to like FF over Pokemon is way beyond me…….FF isn’t even a game compared to Pokemon.”

Probably because a lot of Japanophiles are into all that annoy emo shit. Oh by the way, I cheered when Aeris died.

#2 TwiTchy says:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:06 pm

this is a horrible list. These are all old games. yes the old games are better but shit. if you play pokemon how does that make u bad at video games, that just sounds like your hating on pokemon. Im sure if you pop in a copy of halo gears of war G.R.A.W. or call of duty, you would get ur nub ass pwnd

#3 Aaron says:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:12 pm

You know jack ass, Im guessing you’ve never played final fantasy before in your life because pokemon is like eating pizza, rubbed on an ass that hasnt been wiped for about a month. Oh by the way. Im not japanese and neither is old wizard. Im American and they are sweden.

#4 Delta says:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:19 pm

Actually Aaron, I have played FINAL FANTASY before. Only part of it, I couldn’t get into the game. Couldn’t get into how poorly it controlled, how limited the combat system was so early into it, and annoyed by both the story and art style of the game.

But you’ve proven you’re an idiot. I never called you or Old-Wizard Japanese. If you were half-way competent, you’d know that a Japanophile is someone who thinks that anything silly and from Japan is automatically great, no matter how stupid, annoying, incoherent, or inane it is. Like FINAL FANTASY.

#5 Seldon says:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:28 pm

It seems like no one agrees with Delta. EVER.

#6 Aaron says:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:28 pm

you know loser, I was wondering, how often do you go outside? I’m just saying I dont know video game slang like japanophile. So how often do you go outside? Maybe once a month? You’ve probably got no real friends because you just sit around all day writing rebutals on video game sites. I don’t normally come here, I just read alot of these because they are funny and because I actually play the games they are talking about. But don’t worry about haveing no friends, Im sure your dating acount at “lonelyloser.com” will kick in someday.
P.S. When I said I play the games they talk about I didnt count pokemon or sega.

#7 TwiTchy says:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:29 pm

aaron, your gay

#8 Seldon says:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:30 pm

LOL. Yeah Aaron, I get that same impression of Delta. He constantly argue with everyone about how great Superman is, and if you don’t agree with him he’ll make fun of your mom. So watch out.

#9 Delta says:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:36 pm

lmao You guys are both so fucking pathetic.

Aaron, oh, the little fact that I said “Japanophile” and not “Japanese” would kinda make it obvious that I was NOT referring to Japanese people.

And Japanophile isn’t video game slang, it’s referring to idiots in general who think anything silly and from Japan is great, no matter how stupid, annoying, incoherent or inane it is.

And the fact that you even play FINAL FANTASY says a lot. You have no place to call me a loser.

And have plenty of friends, and I’m married too. Doesn’t look like I’m so lonely.

And how hilarious Seldon “backs you up.” Basically neither of you can really counter me. Oh how the stupid support each other.

#10 Seldon says:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:39 pm

I’m sure when you say you’re married, you mean to a 50 yr old dude with a female avatar on Second Life.

#11 Delta says:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:41 pm

Hey Seldon, say whatever you want to. You do need to make yourself feel better and all. After all, you can’t back up a fucking thing you claim and pitch a hissy fit when you realize it.

And you say I only have insults to fall-back on. I’m pointing-out all your faults and ripping apart your pathetic attempts at arguments. But have a nice time with your life partner. You know, your right hand. Or did you leave it for your left? Threesomes with KY are nice for ya I bet.

#12 HAHA says:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:55 pm

Ha, Delta just completely owned you guys here, face the facts. I’m fairly convinced that every insult you’ve used against Delta such as “You only go outside once a month.” was from direct experience. In other words, you do this yourself and being ashamed of your terrible and insignificant life you analyzed what made it so bad, and decided to use that against others in an online argument. Thus, making Delta’s description of you guys as pathetic every type of accurate.

#13 Anonymous says:
March 10th, 2010 at 12:37 am

This list is made by people. And they made a mistake. They think that a cheesy marketing ploy and the fact that pokemon comes from Japan makes the series terrible. Well, games are meant to entertain, and that is exactly what this game does for me. I don’t think it is very proffessional to make a list without first stating that it is their own opinion. Plus, the games keep selling, so to their point that it “sucks”, There are millions of people that would disagree with you.

#14 TrueGamer619 says:
March 10th, 2010 at 1:34 pm

TwItchy if you think casual noob friendly games like Gears of War, and ESPECIALLY Call of Duty, you must suck. Everyone knows that those games are for the people who suck. Only game that remotely takes skill is GRAW and even then, it requires more teamwork than actual individual skill. TwItchy, you are NOT a gamer, therefore your inexperienced opinion does NOT matter.

#15 TrueGamer619 says:
March 10th, 2010 at 1:37 pm

I agree with this list. BTW, anyone who does not like a Final Fantasy game is not a gamer. Only way someone can get bored with something great is if they are a ADHD addled kid who does not have the gaming experience to play a RPG.

#16 Delta says:
March 10th, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Why would I like a game for Japanophile emos? The FINAL FANTASY games I’ve tried were incredibly boring and annoying.

It’s not that I’m not a gamer. It’s that I’m not an idiot loser who thinks anything silly and from Japan is great no matter how stupid, incoherent, inane or annoying it is.

#17 TrueGamer619 says:
March 10th, 2010 at 1:54 pm

I don’t either, but you must have ADD in order to not enjoy FF games. I AGREE 100% that the male characters (FFVII on up) look like gay emo kids, but if you are a true gamer, you will actually look pass that and enjoy the actual game. If you can’t enjoy a FF, you prob are not a gamer. BTW “loser” is such a overused cliched insult. Where is the originality?

#18 Delta says:
March 10th, 2010 at 2:05 pm

I overlooked the annoying art style, and the fact that the guys are so pretty that most are mistaken for chicks. Hell, Tidus is one of the most masculine looking guys, and a friend of mine’s dad had walked in and said, “Who’s she?”

And ADHD has nothing to do with me not liking FINAL FANTASY. It’s an overrated franchise, I found it quite boring. I’ve played games that require patient, more so than FINAL FANTASY. There was nothing I found redeeming about it.

#19 avi says:
March 10th, 2010 at 2:43 pm

what is ”ADHD?”

#20 Delta says:
March 10th, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

#21 TrueGamer619 says:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:44 pm

Overrated yes, but to miss out on it would not be a wise idea. many games are overrated. Does not mean that they are bad games. I doubt you beat any. If you did, which ones?

#22 Delta says:
March 10th, 2010 at 5:11 pm

How do I need to beat a game to decide if I like it or not? If it bores me so much I have to turn the console off, why should I have to endure more of the game to say I don’t like it? I’m not a professional video game reviewer, so unless I just have to up my Gamerscore, I don’t have to play games I don’t like all the way through.

#23 HAHA says:
March 10th, 2010 at 6:37 pm

Listen th FUCK up everybody. Anyone who thinks that you have to play a certain type of game in order to be classified as a “gamer” is so obviously fucking wrng its not even funny. I could play duck hunt all day and suck out SO bad, but considering I am in fact play a GAME, makes me a gamer. And to diminish one game to make another seem better or more difficult to beat than another is only furthuring your stupidity.

#24 George says:
March 10th, 2010 at 7:08 pm

People are bad at video games because they play pokemon? You people are sad. Just because people play it doesnt mean they suck. I played Gold and I beat super Mario 2 lost levels on my second try

#25 Jason Statham says:
March 10th, 2010 at 6:40 am

You are a giant dickhead because pokemon is the best game on this planet or any of the other planets including pluto which is a planet so youre gay.

#26 thomas says:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:44 pm

the funny shit about the street fighter picture is how the ken is almost fucking dead. not evading too well if you’re almost fucking KO’d, i guess. i’m willing to bet whoever made this list fucking sucks shit at video games really, really bad

#27 LocalMan says:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:16 am

I discovered this site tonight. And with only reading 4-5 articles I can see numerous biases off the bat. Im sorry Old Wizard but you lost a potential fan. There is a fine line between being objective and being biased and bitter as hell

#28 Teeeegle says:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:16 am

God damn the people on this site are fucking annoying. Never coming here again. ha ha

#29 Ramza says:
March 10th, 2010 at 2:31 am

I can’t believe you guys are gonna let this Delta dip troll all over you like that. I don’t think I’ve read anything he’s said that didn’t come out of the Beginners Trolling handbook…

#30 Tristan says:
March 10th, 2010 at 5:28 pm

Really?!? Pokemon is fun. You can’t say you suck at video games because you play a specific one. That makes no sense. It’s like saying you suck at eating cake because you eat coffee cake. How can you justifiably judge skill on an opinion? Whether or not the game is all marketing makes no difference. It’s an OPINION of whether or not it’s a good game to play. I can agree with the others, but it’s unfair to say you’re bad at video games for playing Pokemon.

#31 commonsense says:
March 10th, 2010 at 3:39 am

all you people are dumbshits. all video games are lame, complete waste of time. if you do not agree with this then you must jerk off to game characters.

#32 lolrabbit says:
March 10th, 2010 at 5:02 am

@commonsense:
You are a dumbshit. Some video games are lame like Ghosts and Goblins, Paperboy, Muscle and Duck Hunt, but hell there are good ones; Super Mario Galaxy, Sonic 2 and Super Masrio bros 3 to name a few. And you must be sad, thinking everyone should agree with your opinion. I doubt gamers jerk off to game characters, unless they are hardcore. So I don’t think your username really applies to you.

@The list:
Just because someone plays a certain franchise doesnt mean someone sucks at gaming. I play Silver sometimes and I beat SMG with Luigi, beat Mike Tyson in MTPO, beat SMB3 on my 1st try, only losing 24 lives in the whole game and beat New Super Mario Bros Wii, only using a continue to pop the mushroom houses back up.

#33 GreattBadass says:
March 10th, 2010 at 6:09 pm

@ TwiTchy: LMAO you act like GRAW, COD, Halo and Gears are hard to play and require skill. Mass marketed noob friendly video games that even my 4 year old cousin can own on. Lil kid, we all know you are a new gamer who started gaming with Pokemon. “OH SUCH A TRUE HARDCORE GAMER, HE PLAYS POKEMON, HALO AND GEARS.” Son, I would destroy ya ass on ANY game that requires skill and strategy. Lil kid, know your place n shut your face you casual gamer. You suck.

#34 TwiTchy says:
March 10th, 2010 at 6:37 pm

@GreatBadass yeah im sure you would… im also sure your 30 years old, bald, single and living in your parents basement. besides this comment was so long ago. get i life dude. plus im 18, not commented on this about a year ago. so sorry not a little kid. I do not play halo or gears of war anymore but please tell me how CoD requires no skill. Also how does playing pokemon make you bad at video games you never answered my question you just insult. probably because your a moron. Know your place and dont say shit when a “lil kid” is going to show you up.

#35 XeroForever says:
March 10th, 2010 at 6:43 am

Oh for the love of god, We have 2nd gen gamers arguing with Old School Gamers. Of course your going to have differences in opinion!

The whole Pokemon topic… jesus, A bunch of you seem to be Pokemon fans but I am sure you can honestly say that you wouldn’t admit it in public. Yes some of the Pokemon games were good! but then some sucked ass. And the tv show didn’t help either. Just get over it, there are a very small number of Pokemon fans compared to most other franchises, and honestly the pokemon “battles” really weren’t difficult in any of the games. The story is basically the same in every game at that. HOWEVER, if your new to RPGs, Pokemon is a GREAT game to get you started! Teaching very simple and basic strategy, along with an easy battle system.

–OPINION ALERT–
I am totally confused how you can even compare a Final Fantasy game to a pokemon game. The story, the battle systems, and the strategy involved in most Final Fantasy games is so much better than pokemon. Call me what you will, but I would love to see a pokemon game make me come close to crying. (lol)

@GreattBadass
Greatt you are either the greatest FPS/TPS player, if you think COD and Gears require no skill at all to play, or your an Old School platformer, who based his opinion off of his 4 year old playing games like the ones you listed, which means you probably have never played them before in your life. Your either one of those or your a WoW/StarCraft player, (btw get a life, I did), that thinks you pwn face because you can tap or click several different buttons in rotation while running around an opponent, which btw doesn’t help at all unless its another mmo. Anyway what I am trying to say is, your dumb, and calling someone “Lil Kid” is stupid and makes you look like a fag.

–ALERT–
Guys, obviously this list is satire, mocking the Modern Gamer.

#36 Aaron Byl says:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:27 am

wow. its been a long time since i was on. but u know? i realised something i should have relised a long ass time ago… POKEMON IS JAPANESE TOO! delta said we like final fantasy because we like everything from japan! but pokemon is from japanese! oh and delta seeing as there is a whole website that disagrees with u i would shut the fuck up for once

#37 Aaron Byl says:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:30 am

… i just read xeroforevers arguement… i feel kinda stupid now

#38 Aaron says:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:32 am

and i feel even stupider for putting my full name

#39 Matty says:
March 10th, 2010 at 7:34 am

Pokemon is a heavy marketing ploy (So is every other game); Pokemon is likely for children with short attention spans (So is every other game). You don’r suck at playing video games because you played the originals. Especially if you were a young child like I was. You’re just hating on the game. I would agree that the rest of the Pokemon universe is trash, but “Red” and “Blue” were simple adventure games with shallow, but enjoyable RPG elements. And, in case you don’t remember, Gary was fucking hard. FUCKING HARD!!!

#40 Matty says:
March 10th, 2010 at 7:37 am

P.S. To the FF fanboys. FF sucks because it is the most railed experience. It’s a fucking book, for all intents and purposes. The only things even greatly interactive are the combat scenarios. And they suck too!

#41 XeroForever says:
March 10th, 2010 at 1:21 pm

@Aaron
lol bro, sorry about that

@Matty
Making fun of a series for being a book? Something they fixed in the past 5 years? Lol you have no arguement. I however would like to know what RPG, you, think is the best.

#42 XeroForever says:
March 10th, 2010 at 5:27 pm

@Matty
If you read my comment then you can see that I can from both sides of the argument, however comparing a games like FF to Pokemon, is ridiculous. That is my opinion.

And I breezed through yellow, not sure if was exactly like blue or red, but I am sure it was pretty damn close.

Though I do agree, that playing a certain game
doesn’t mean you suck at games. That’s why I said “–ALERT–
Guys, obviously this list is satire, mocking the Modern Gamer.”

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Top 10 Ways to Tell if You Suck at Video Games

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