Top 10 Ways to Tell If You Know Nothing About Music

Featured Video

Loading ...

Polls Archive

Top 10 Ways to Tell If You Know Nothing About Music

Written by Zeromage 68 Comments
Last Updated:: December 3, 2008

I came to a realization after our last music article entitled “The Top 5 Musical Countries“. One of these insights was that many people don’t understand parody, which is disheartening when making lists that sometimes try to be playful for entertainment’s sake. The other insight I came across was that some people know absolutely nothing about music, but for some reason feel entitled to make an opinion on it. This later insight is what will be covered in this list. God bless Video Gamers and their opinions because they are always somewhat informed (besides those who don’t read an article but just come on the site to say “epic fail” with no reasoning).

Whenever we release a video game article, there are reasons for or against our choices that are accompanied by some substantiality. This is absolutely not the case with the music articles we release. The amount of people who think they have a legitimate opinion on art and music is staggering. The problems with these forms of expression (art and music) are their openness in character that make it seem like everyone’s opinion is valid. The Video Gamer on the other hand, since their position in society is often seen in a marginalized manner, are more sincere in their output. In this list, we will give our best attempt at circumscribing what is legitimate output for an article on music by showing the reader when to spot someone who knows absolutely nothing about music, and more importantly, never had a real musical experience in their life.

10. You can’t play any instruments

Certainly, if you really liked music, at some point in your life you would have picked up an instrument and at least tried to play it. If you really liked music, you would try your hardest to learn one of those instruments out of a love for the art. If not, then you may have a mild interest in the arts, or feign an interest in the arts to impress some brunette. If you either have a mild interest in music or just want to say you like some music to impress a girl, that’s fine, at least admit to yourself you’re a sycophant and your honest ignorance will be championed amongst the gods for sincerity’s sake. But anyone trying to make a strong point about music better be able to play an instrument, or their pretensions will be obvious to anyone who does.

9. You don’t like Oasis

One way to spot someone who knows nothing about music is to listen to their incessant rants against bands who they don’t think are good because they haven’t actually listened to the band, but read about them in Rolling Stone magazine. There has been numerous bands who have suffered from this fate. Oasis is the biggest one. “They are just another Beatles”. The person who says this can’t name more than 2 songs from Oasis and have no exposure to anything specific that might have influenced them. If the listener was actually honest with himself and gave time to listen to the albums and maybe even their B-sides, they would see quality output on par with the best of them. The pedestrian though, with no real taste for anything will rely on Rolling Stone magazine to give them their opinion.

8. You can’t name a Swedish band

If you can’t name one Swedish band besides ABBA, then you can’t say you’re an avid music listener, at least to the point of being able to list who the greatest artists and bands are of all time. This goes beyond Sweden too. If you haven’t listened to a band from Germany or Iceland, you can’t possibly give a cogent list of the greatest artists of all time. You can’t simply rely on America’s output of music and rehash a standardized form of Rolling Stones greatest artists of all time that MUST include Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan. It’s fine if you’re a philistine and are cognizant of your lack of exposure to anything outside your own indigenous country, just don’t feel entitled towards stating your opinion on a universal level!

7. You wear shirts with the latest “cutting edge” band name on them

All these new bands from the UK and US that are making an impact like Vampire Weekend, The Cribs, The Last Shadow Puppets, fucking shitty ass Bon Iver. Catch anyone wearing the T-shirts of these bands, you will know that they are attaching themselves to a fleeting identity. Surely, it would take many albums and many songs to know if someone truly liked a band, or does the mere name “The Wombats” constitute a love for the band because the band name “The Wombats” sounds cool? What are the limits in which someone can say that they actually like a band enough to go around parading their logo on a T-shirt? These are decisive questions that must be asked for pop music to move anywhere closer towards a greatness that is within it’s range. These questions should be asked by those on the verge of liking a band for the wrong reasons, and parading their logo shirts around for wrong reasons.

6. You Listen to new U2

You can rest assured that anyone who includes U2 as one of the greatest bands of all time and can only refer to “beautiful day” as a great song, knows nothing about music. How quickly they are to call a band great off only the most hackneyed of modern hits. Ask them about “Achtung Baby” or “Zooropa” and they will stare at you clueless. Somewhere in their pea brains is the recognition of an “American album” from the old U2 catalog named “The Joshua Tree”. They may tell you this quickly. “The Joshua Tree was a great album!” Then you simply need to ask “Oh yeah, what are you favorite songs off the album?” When none can be named, you have on you hands what we call a poser. How art and music could be used for a poser image is one of the greatest crisises of modernity.

5. You slightly overgrew your hair while still retaining an office job

Having your cake an eating it too is what the “avid music listener” wants throughout his whole life. They want to be able to be regular human beings, while at the same time feigning an interest in the arts. In reasons stated before, these people are called posers. You will find these types of people in many places but one place where you will certainly find them is in a banal administrative office job where they feel comfortable with their co-workers by the water cooler and at the same time like to show that they’re somehow different because they have “Dark Side of The Moon” lying on their desk and have a somewhat overgrown haircut. Look at the alternative guy! “Yeah, I’m the shit” he says to himself. Older age will have it’s say on a youth that pretended to always change.

4. You say you like “all types of music”

One of the more obvious examples of someone who knows nothing about music is someone who says that they like “all types of music” when being asked what they listen to. “It depends on the mood. It depends on how I’m feeling”. When you hear these parasitic platitudes, you can be assured that the person never had a musical experience in their lives. Anything is good to them depending who is in the room and whether or not they like what’s being played in the room. If the rest of the room likes what’s being played then they will like it because what’s most important for them is being part of the herd. Giving a vague and embarrassingly general answer like “all types of music” gives enough room for the person not to be pinpointed on anything specifically pertaining to their character. This is good for the parasite, for they can’t defend anything when their answers are this nebulous.

3. You Think Dylan is a Musical God

How many times do we hear this? How many times do we have to hear that Dylan is be all and end all of music.? What is with all this idolization? And how come every time these Dylan idolizers are called out on why they like Dylan they give the same banal reasons for idolization like “He was one of the great American Poets”. How come when you ask one of these buffoons on the spot which Dylan album inspired them the most, they can’t respond? They can’t even name one Dylan album let alone a favorite album! They know a few select songs and relegate the rest of their opinion to popular mainstream media’s coverage on tradition, whatever that is supposed to mean. Pedestrians, pure and simple…easily satisfied. The human being at its worst.

2. You name off great bands that continually receive accolades from modern press

Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, REM, U2, Nirvana, The White Stripes, The Ramones, The Velvet Underground…oh how predictable these choices are for someone who wants to appear like they know anything about music. Mix in some perennially favored Rolling Stone magazine idolizations with a little modern indie and then throw in some 60’s psychedelic and there you have the greatest bands of all time! Just one question: Who amongst the real Bruce Springsteen enthusiasts listens to The Velvet Underground? If someone likes Bruce Springsteen, meaning actually listens to them in their car and at home, then there is an absolute 99% chance that they don’t listen to The Velvet Underground. If they say they do, they don’t listen to the music but recognize that The Velvet Underground are generally recognized. Nothing more need be said on this fact. Listen to music and some of your ostensible “greatest bands” won’t fit.

1. You Read Rolling Stone Magazine

It’s easy to spot someone who gains their authority for musical knowledge from Rolling Stone magazine. They usually have a penchant for expressing their political opinion. They usually favor the musicians who have a penchant for expressing their political opinions, which are the only bands that Rolling Stone takes seriously. They see these bands and artists and automatically assume that they’re good. Forget about actually listening to the music though. The music is not important in the face of an artist who feels the compulsion to state their uninformative political beliefs. Literally and metaphorically, music here becomes politicized, and the distinction between either is blurred to the point of unrecognizability. When this line is blurred, you can be sure the listener actually has never really listened to the music.

Related posts: Top 5 Worst Music Magazines

68 Comments

#1 James says:
March 14th, 2010 at 11:15 am

Are you serious?:

“What is with all this idolization? And how come every time these Dylan idolizers are called out on why they like Dylan they give the same banal reasons for idolization like “He was one of the great American Poets”.”

#2 George says:
March 14th, 2010 at 12:06 pm

I actually know people who have opinions on Dylan based on listening to him, but most people don’t seem to bother. I know someone who owns every single thing he’s done and has been to 10 of his concerts, and when you ask him about Dylan, he tells you shit with an opinion. And then there’s my dad, who said:

“You know, he has to be the greatest lyricist of all time, but he has the singularly most irritating voice of anyone I’ve ever heard.”

As for me, I don’t mind his voice as much as others, but he is not a great singer. That doesn’t stop him from being one of the best, as he has written some of the greatest songs ever in his 100 million year career.

Knocking on Heavens Door
Ballad of the Thin Man
Like a Rolling Stone
Blowing in the Wind

And that’s just to name a few.

#3 TheMountain says:
March 14th, 2010 at 2:07 pm

Great article. Needed to be written.

#4 Liz says:
March 14th, 2010 at 3:55 pm

Eh, I don’t know if I totally agree with this article. I can only relate to maybe a couple things on here, and I am one of the most musical people I know. I play 6 instruments and have been doing choir/group/solo singing for almost 10 years now.

I think this is based a lot on opinion, rather then actual knowledge in the music world.

#5 Bick says:
March 14th, 2010 at 3:58 pm

So let me get this straight, unless one loves Oasis and hates Bob Dylan they don’t know anything about music? Talk about your parasitic platitudes. I’ve never before read anything written so pretentiously by someone who clearly has so little reason to feel that he is above anything.

#6 Kyle says:
March 14th, 2010 at 4:26 pm

I still like The Velvet Underground and Bon Iver. While not at the top of my list, they don’t deserve to be bashed. What’s with the Oasis obsession? They have some decent songs, but I’m tired of seeing them worshipped on this site.

#7 Graeme says:
March 14th, 2010 at 4:39 pm

Man, you need to calm down – don’t be such a music nerd. That crap about not liking Springsteen and The Velvet Underground doesn’t even make sense and showed that maybe YOU need to learn more about music.

I agree with some of your other comments though.

#8 Bodank says:
March 14th, 2010 at 4:59 pm

When someone asks you what type of music you like, then they likely know little about music (This could be a number 11:

The music enthusiast can not truly take music seriously if they lack composure in the subject. They may also lack security in their thoughts about music if they want to know other peoples thoughts on the subject.

When someone asks what type of music you like, this will be the only appropriate time to say “i like a lot of types of music” to avoid a conversation and go on your way.

Music has a rich history and takes more than listening to the radio or asking strangers what they listen to in order to understand the subject.

A first question regarding music should be: Is it more art, mathematics, poetry, sound, all of the above?? Or is it all relative and based on what people are listening to?(if so.. then music doesn’t matter)

#9 Weekday Warrior says:
March 14th, 2010 at 5:28 pm

I tried to cut my hair, but the sheers snapped everytime. Kind of in the same manner as Superman’s locks cannot be severed by normal earth alloys. So I just blew up the water cooler instead…

The same should be done for sandal wearing frat boys who strum their guitars to try and be cool. Tack up another beer on your wall dbag!

#10 Beth says:
March 14th, 2010 at 5:30 pm

This website is GENIUS. I just stumbled upon your site a week ago and I loved everything I’ve read here. Your manifesto should be “Tired of mainstream media telling you what games are good, what movies to like and what music to listen to? Then visit Old-Wizard.com!”

Your site is an absolute diamond in the rough, in a sea of coal on the internet. Keep up the good work!

#11 George says:
March 14th, 2010 at 5:46 pm

Look Bick, the point they were making is that many of you hate Oasis when you have never listened to anything they’ve done, and many like Dylan even though they’ve never listened to him.

Unless you actually take the time to listen to them, you don’t know anything about them. I’ve listened to both, and from what I’ve found, Dylan is the best lyricist eve, and even though he’s not a good singer, I don’t mind that. And while many of the posters hate Oasis, they base that off nothing except for their contempt for these guys and the fact that Zeromage prefers them to the Beatles. Listen to them, and you’ll see that their a good band, far better than our 90’s bands, just like most Britpop of the era.

However, our 90’s bands were mostly terrible, I won’t bring them up again.

#12 Mr. Vorhias says:
March 14th, 2010 at 6:00 pm

Way to contradict yourself with the “You name off great bands that continually receive accolades from modern press.”

What the crap do you think Oasis is, smart one? (Besides really really bad at writing their own riffs?)

#13 Joe says:
March 14th, 2010 at 6:05 pm

BRILLIANT article! I can’t overstate how incredibly brilliant this list was. Kudos!

#14 Ken says:
March 14th, 2010 at 6:14 pm

I don’t say this often here: Great article.

#15 Salo says:
March 14th, 2010 at 6:20 pm

This was one of the best articles that I think I’ve EVER read. Its so true. Especially #5.

#16 Vintage Junkie says:
March 14th, 2010 at 6:21 pm

Using the word “buffoons” FTW!

#17 Sarah says:
March 14th, 2010 at 6:25 pm

I’m beginning to wonder how much more you guys would like Oasis if they were Swedish…

#18 Bob says:
March 14th, 2010 at 6:28 pm

This was easily the best article I’ve ever read on this crap site. It would have been perfect if you dropped the Oasis-fanaticism. It made me want to go back and re-read your other lists from a new perspective.

#19 TheMountain says:
March 14th, 2010 at 6:56 pm

George absolutely hit it on the nail. If there ever ha to be a spokesman for what Old-Wizard was trying to convey, look at George’s above said comment.

#20 jim says:
March 14th, 2010 at 6:58 pm

more pretention from ow

#21 MacFergus says:
March 14th, 2010 at 7:08 pm

I think it all comes down to number 9. That’s a quick sure fire way to know if someone knows anything about music. If they dislike Oasis… all their musical opinions become immediately suspect. If one can’t recognize and appreciate such a high level of craftsmanship in songwriting, then it’s safe to say that person has a lot more to learn about what music is.

#22 Chris says:
March 14th, 2010 at 7:56 pm

Man…Idk what to say exactly. First and foremost I think music does have appeal depending on the mood. For instance I like alot of Metal, but sometimes it’s the old ,FUCK CHRISTIANITY Black Metal and in other more clamer moods I like my Pagan influenced Folk and Viking Metal. Other times while pushing carts at WAL-MART for 8 hours so I can pay for college I tend to throw on some Sabatian Bach or Schubert from my ipod. Once again I’m not intrested in any of our bands so I WILL NOT judge.

#23 NecroVMX says:
March 14th, 2010 at 11:55 pm

Wow…this was the first list on this site that actually doesn’t suck donkey balls. That was actually pretty good.

I’ll still say that you guys overrate Oasis way too much, but I also agree that it’s idiocy to hate them, they’re not bad.

#24 Pokey says:
March 14th, 2010 at 12:37 am

Oasis sucks.

#25 northernSoul says:
March 14th, 2010 at 12:39 am

brilliant. i love dylan but there are many phonies like you’ve described.

#26 Doug says:
March 14th, 2010 at 2:55 am

#5 was PURE GENIUS. I laughed for about 10 minutes straight.

#27 David says:
March 14th, 2010 at 2:58 am

Well i don’t entirely disagree with this list, maybe just a few points, like are you implying that someone like me who doesn’t really know how to play any instrument knows nothing of music? I can tell you and my friends can tell you that i am extremely passionate about all things i love and one of those things is music, i don’t follow the trends, i don’t say i like a band or artist if i don’t and i don’t dislike any artist i have never really listened too(which includes Oasis):P And i really do love Bob Dylan, and i cant really tell you a real reason why beyond that i love his sound and his music makes me feel good. Two of my favorite songs of his are Masters of War(The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan) and Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts(Blood On the Tracks) and some of my favorite bands are in no particular order are.

Bob Dylan
Amon Amarth
Bathory
Manowar
Immortal
Acid Mothers temple
Boris
Nevermore
Led Zeppelin
Lee Hazlewood
Flower Travelin’ Band
Kazuki Tomokawa
Enslaved
Devendra Banhart
Popul Vuh
Wu Tang Clan and related solo stuff

The List Goes on….:P

#28 Paul says:
March 14th, 2010 at 3:19 am

Excellent list.

#29 David says:
March 14th, 2010 at 3:23 am

Their list or mine?:P

#30 Gunsn1per says:
March 14th, 2010 at 5:16 am

David:

“My favorite bands”

“Bob Dylan”

LOL, I haven’t heard a band named “Bob Dylan”, I’m sorry, compared to you who is really “passionate” on music as not to try playing instruments, I’m just nothing for not knowing a band named “Bob Dylan”

#31 Big A2 says:
March 14th, 2010 at 5:19 am

I don’t fit any of those catagories and I still don’t call myself an avid music listener.

#32 David says:
March 14th, 2010 at 5:30 am

You know what i mean:P i should have said Bands and artists or just musicians.

#33 Gunsn1per says:
March 14th, 2010 at 5:51 am

David: When you said that you “don’t really know” how to play instruments, I presume you either tried but stopped or you play just a bit? Well, as a (wanna-be) guitarist I will say that you will feel different before and after you start playing…

Anyway, about the list, Old Wizard seems so serious to me this time…#2 is so true…

#34 Gunsn1per says:
March 14th, 2010 at 5:52 am

*I mean, by “so serious to me” that when I saw this article, OW seems so serious…

Sigh…Badz Ainglais…

#35 David says:
March 14th, 2010 at 6:53 am

I have picked up a guitar a few times, and smashed on the drums a little, i just lack the patience to learn an instrument, to busy being with friends, or playing video games, reading comic books, reading books, watching movies, working and what not:P i would love to be a musician, i have actually always wanted to be a vocalist, again, i just lack the drive. im a lazy sod:P

#36 David says:
March 14th, 2010 at 6:55 am

I would love old wizard now to do a top 10 favorite bands/musicians of Old Wizard list, then we shall truly judge who knows more about music than whom:P

#37 Tim says:
March 14th, 2010 at 3:35 pm

This article opened my eyes. Really, why is it assumed that Bob Dylan is such a god? Because its constantly bashed over our heads by the mainstream media. You were so right when you said people say he’s great because he is one of the “great american poets”. another point you hit right on was how ignorant american music listeners are. thats why we get things like american idol, rap music, and country. love this site.

#38 toolfan says:
March 14th, 2010 at 11:26 pm

This is great – of course I failed on many of the list but the jab at U2 was worth not liking Oasis or Dylan or Rolling Stone and especially not the schmuck with the mullet in my office.
Tool rules!

#39 Brums says:
March 14th, 2010 at 3:00 pm

This list is fantastic! Just one point to add: U2 is an alright band, even though overrated by the media, they sound ok. Love the site!

#40 Phil says:
March 14th, 2010 at 11:20 pm

This list was great!

#41 jubal says:
March 14th, 2010 at 7:27 pm

This article has showed me you know nothing about music. Seriously, Dylan IS one of the best songwriters of all time. I dare you to name a person that’s better songwriter than he is. He may not be the best singer ever but it hardly matters in his case. The only person who can even compare to him is Connor Oberst, there is no one better. You blaming other peoples pretentiousness about saying he’s the best songwriter ever does not detract from the fact that he IS.

#42 Brian V. says:
March 14th, 2010 at 7:43 pm

I agree with Jubal. Everything on this list is either a moot point or just wrong, wrong, wrong. Boo-friggin-hoo about Dylan or Sweden. Oasis can go bone themselves. And the whole spew about liking “all kinds of music”? After spending all of high school in choir, taking private music lessons for consecutive years, being payed to sing in a church choir and competing on the national level, I can say that saying you like all kinds of music does NOT mean that you know nothing about it.

#43 Zeromage says:
March 14th, 2010 at 7:59 pm

“I dare you to name a person that’s better songwriter than he is.”

Noel Gallagher

#44 ryanh456 says:
March 14th, 2010 at 9:52 am

all you do with these lists is use your own opinion. its all bs and you need to get a life.

#45 Michael says:
March 14th, 2010 at 8:52 am

This list is pure opinion and for that it is terrible, but it’s a very valid point about Zooropa being criminally overlooked among U2’s albums.

#46 Ustio Merc. says:
March 14th, 2010 at 7:11 am

I’m a metal head so none of this really applies to me but I’ve never listened to Oasis and I probably never will I am aware of Swedish metal and I like it and I could give two shits about Bob Dylan.

#47 Ustio Merc. says:
March 14th, 2010 at 7:11 am

I also forgot to say I read Metal Hammer!

#48 Sal says:
March 14th, 2010 at 4:10 pm

I’ve been a musician for over 30 years, a DJ for 25, and I do enjoy many (not all) types of music from many countries: Holland, Germany, Japan, Italy, Russia. But I cannot recall the name of more than two Oasis songs for one reason: They are not the slightest bit memorable! Believe me, I’ve tried. If you want to hear the best Edge-style guitar work, check out Brian Eno’s “Taking Tiger Mountain.” And Rolling Stone stopped being relevant well before they put people like Britney Spears on the cover. It’s not about politics – it’s about promoting corporate crap to the masses (on T-shirts even).
Nice, thought provoking list. Thanks.

#49 Gyb says:
March 14th, 2010 at 8:14 am

“I dare you to name a person that’s better songwriter than he is.”

The One and Only Steven Patrick Morrissey.

#50 Hector says:
March 14th, 2010 at 6:24 pm

Number one should be: Compiling a list of reasons why Oasis is a better band than the Beatles, consisting mostly of things that have nothing to do with music.

Newer Comments »

Top 10 Ways to Tell If You Know Nothing About Music

68 Comments

Leave a Comment