• Top 10 Ways to Tell If You Know Nothing About Music

  

  Written by Zeromage 64 Comments
  Last Updated:: December 3, 2008

  I came to a realization after our last music article entitled “The Top 5 Musical Countries“. One of these insights was that many people don’t understand parody, which is disheartening when making lists that sometimes try to be playful for entertainment’s sake. The other insight I came across was that some people know absolutely nothing about music, but for some reason feel entitled to make an opinion on it. This later insight is what will be covered in this list. God bless Video Gamers and their opinions because they are always somewhat informed (besides those who don’t read an article but just come on the site to say “epic fail” with no reasoning).

  Whenever we release a video game article, there are reasons for or against our choices that are accompanied by some substantiality. This is absolutely not the case with the music articles we release. The amount of people who think they have a legitimate opinion on art and music is staggering. The problems with these forms of expression (art and music) are their openness in character that make it seem like everyone’s opinion is valid. The Video Gamer on the other hand, since their position in society is often seen in a marginalized manner, are more sincere in their output. In this list, we will give our best attempt at circumscribing what is legitimate output for an article on music by showing the reader when to spot someone who knows absolutely nothing about music, and more importantly, never had a real musical experience in their life.

  10. You can’t play any instruments

  Certainly, if you really liked music, at some point in your life you would have picked up an instrument and at least tried to play it. If you really liked music, you would try your hardest to learn one of those instruments out of a love for the art. If not, then you may have a mild interest in the arts, or feign an interest in the arts to impress some brunette. If you either have a mild interest in music or just want to say you like some music to impress a girl, that’s fine, at least admit to yourself you’re a sycophant and your honest ignorance will be championed amongst the gods for sincerity’s sake. But anyone trying to make a strong point about music better be able to play an instrument, or their pretensions will be obvious to anyone who does.

  9. You don’t like Oasis

  One way to spot someone who knows nothing about music is to listen to their incessant rants against bands who they don’t think are good because they haven’t actually listened to the band, but read about them in Rolling Stone magazine. There has been numerous bands who have suffered from this fate. Oasis is the biggest one. “They are just another Beatles”. The person who says this can’t name more than 2 songs from Oasis and have no exposure to anything specific that might have influenced them. If the listener was actually honest with himself and gave time to listen to the albums and maybe even their B-sides, they would see quality output on par with the best of them. The pedestrian though, with no real taste for anything will rely on Rolling Stone magazine to give them their opinion.

  8. You can’t name a Swedish band

  If you can’t name one Swedish band besides Abba, then you can’t say you’re an avid music listener, at least to the point of being able to list who the greatest artists and bands are of all time. This goes beyond Sweden too. If you haven’t listened to a band from Germany or Iceland, you can’t possibly give a cogent list of the greatest artists of all time. You can’t simply rely on America’s output of music and rehash a standardized form of Rolling Stones greatest artists of all time that MUST include Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan. It’s fine if you’re a philistine and are cognizant of your lack of exposure to anything outside your own indigenous country, just don’t feel entitled towards stating your opinion on a universal level!

  7. You wear shirts with the latest “cutting edge” band name on them

  All these new bands from the UK and US that are making an impact like Vampire Weekend, The Cribs, The Last Shadow Puppets, fucking shitty ass Bon Iver. Catch anyone wearing the T-shirts of these bands, you will know that they are attaching themselves to a fleeting identity. Surely, it would take many albums and many songs to know if someone truly liked a band, or does the mere name “The Wombats” constitute a love for the band because the band name “The Wombats” sounds cool? What are the limits in which someone can say that they actually like a band enough to go around parading their logo on a T-shirt? These are decisive questions that must be asked for pop music to move anywhere closer towards a greatness that is within it’s range. These questions should be asked by those on the verge of liking a band for the wrong reasons, and parading their logo shirts around for wrong reasons.

  6. You Listen to new U2

  You can be rest assured that anyone who includes U2 as one of the greatest bands of all time and can only refer to “beautiful day” as a great song, knows nothing about music. How quickly they are to call a band great off only the most hackneyed of modern hits. Ask them about “Achtung Baby” or “Zooropa” and they will stare at you clueless. Somewhere in their pea brains is the recognition of an “American album” from the old U2 catalog named “The Joshua Tree”. They may tell you this quickly. “The Joshua Tree was a great album!” Then you simply need to ask “Oh yeah, what are you favorite songs off the album?” When none can be named, you have on you hands what we call a poser. How art and music could be used for a poser image is one of the greatest crisises of modernity.

  5. You slightly overgrew your hair while still retaining an office job

  Having your cake an eating it too is what the “avid music listener” wants throughout his whole life. They want to be able to be regular human beings, while at the same time feigning an interest in the arts. In reasons stated before, these people are called posers. You will find these types of people in many places but one place where you will certainly find them is in a banal administrative office job where they feel comfortable with their co-workers by the water cooler and at the same time like to show that they’re somehow different because they have “Dark Side of The Moon” lying on their desk and have a somewhat overgrown haircut. Look at the alternative guy! “Yeah, I’m the shit” he says to himself. Older age will have it’s say on a youth that pretended to always change.

  4. You say you like “all types of music”

  One of the more obvious examples of someone who knows nothing about music is someone who says that they like “all types of music” when being asked what they listen to. “It depends on the mood. It depends on how I’m feeling”. When you hear these parasitic platitudes, you can be assured that the person never had a musical experience in their lives. Anything is good to them depending who is in the room and whether or not they like what’s being played in the room. If the rest of the room likes what’s being played then they will like it because what’s most important for them is being part of the herd. Giving a vague and embarrassingly general answer like “all types of music” gives enough room for the person not to be pinpointed on anything specifically pertaining to their character. This is good for the parasite, for they can’t defend anything when their answers are this nebulous.

  3. You Think Dylan is a Musical God

  How many times do we hear this? How many times do we have to hear that Dylan is be all and end all of music.? What is with all this idolization? And how come every time these Dylan idolizers are called out on why they like Dylan they give the same banal reasons for idolization like “He was one of the great American Poets”. How come when you ask one of these buffoons on the spot which Dylan album inspired them the most, they can’t respond? They can’t even name one Dylan album let alone a favorite album! They know a few select songs and relegate the rest of their opinion to popular mainstream media’s coverage on tradition, whatever that is supposed to mean. Pedestrians, pure and simple…easily satisfied. The human being at its worst.

  2. You name off great bands that continually receive accolades from modern press

  Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, REM, U2, Nirvana, The White Stripes, The Ramones, The Velvet Underground…oh how predictable these choices are for someone who wants to appear like they know anything about music. Mix in some perennially favored Rolling Stone magazine idolizations with a little modern indie and then throw in some 60’s psychedelic and there you have the greatest bands of all time! Just one question: Who amongst the real Bruce Springsteen enthusiasts listens to The Velvet Underground? If someone likes Bruce Springsteen, meaning actually listens to them in their car and at home, then there is an absolute 99% chance that they don’t listen to The Velvet Underground. If they say they do, they don’t listen to the music but recognize that The Velvet Underground are generally recognized. Nothing more need be said on this fact. Listen to music and some of your ostensible “greatest bands” won’t fit.

  1. You Read Rolling Stone Magazine

  It’s easy to spot someone who gains their authority for musical knowledge from Rolling Stone magazine. They usually have a penchant for expressing their political opinion. They usually favor the musicians who have a penchant for expressing their political opinions, which are the only bands that Rolling Stone takes seriously. They see these bands and artists and automatically assume that their good. Forget about actually listening to the music though. The music is not important in the face of an artist who feels the compulsion to state their uninformative political beliefs. Literally and metaphorically, music here becomes politicized, and the distinction between either is blurred to the point of unrecognizability. When this line is blurred, you can be sure the listener actually has never really listened to the music.

64 Comments

1. #1 sean says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 3:58 am

   ohh, eclectic taste means you know nothing about music….wow i cant believe you take yourself seriously
2. #2 Stan says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 12:37 pm

   The funny thing is that the author of this article knows almost nothing about music himself. To say Oasis is anything other than overrated is ridiculous. Here is a band that is unable to write their own songs without plagiarizing the Beatles, T-Rex and the Sex Pistols. Anyone who props them up over BOB DYLAN is simply a moron. At least Dylan had his own style. Oasis is nothing but a two hit wonder that became popular based more off of their antics than their songwriting ability. Which is why they are now largely forgotten.

   You say people who like Bob Dylan can’t name an album that inspired them? Have you ever talked to someone who likes Bob Dylan? You seem to me like a judgemental asshole, who has no friends so you make fun of people behind the safety of the internet. Name an Oasis album that “inspired” you you fucking twit.

   I’m sure you’re a twenty something college student or recent grad. I’m also sure you have no clue about music. I’m sure you probably had a band (or 2) that failed in high school and maybe even had one in college, where you majored in music. All your songs probably sounded like cheap Oasis knockoffs too. Which is why you failed. And which is why you have no right to EVER discuss music again.

   Not only that but U2’s newest album is far superior to that of Oasis, and U2’s overall catalog is about 100X better than that of Oasis.

   You sir, fail.
3. #3 TGC says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 9:04 pm

   you are idiotic, just because someone listens to U2 or says that they like all different types of music doesn’t mean that they know nothing about music. Oasis are good but not better than U2. you think that anyone who listens to american music knows nothing about music. well thats bull. You’re obviously in love with Liam Gallagher or someone from Oasis. Learn about music yourself
4. #4 else3573 says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 5:10 am

   Completely disagree with #4. I like quite a vast array of different genres, but I certainly know quite a bit about each, and could carry on an INTELLIGENT conversation with a hardcore fan of any of at least 7 or so musical genres. I love old school/golden age hip hop, which I grew up with and am extremely well versed in, but I also was a skateboarder and heavily into Punk Rock/NY/NJ Hardcore in the mid to late 80’s. I have 5 older brothers, so I was raised around classic rock and am well versed in it as well, and my father is a country singer, and while I HATE new country music with a passion, I know quite a bit about Hank Williams Sr., George Jones, etc. I also went to quite a few Dancehall and Roots Reggae shows in NYC/NJ as a teen, and most hip hop clubs played dancehall reggae, so I know quite a bit about both genres as well. Mother used to sing all the Motown oldies and songs from her generation (the 40’s and 50’s) when I was young, so I am fairly knowledgeable in that genre also. I also grew up around a quite a few metal heads, so I’m somewhat informed there, and am a child of the 80’s, so I know a great deal of new wave, 80’s one hit wonders and the “second British invasion”. To assume one has no musical knowledge because of a broad musical taste is ridiculous. Variety is the spice of life, even in a singular persons existence. I could listen to Showbiz and AG or De La Soul and go right into Dirstman or Cutty Ranks, or Fugazi, or Bad Brains, then put on The Smiths, or Guns and Roses, although usually, I go back and forth, sticking to one genre or two in a day, and Hip Hop is certainly my first love, at least hip hop pre 2000.
5. #5 LEGONESFISH says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 10:16 pm

   i know this sounds stupid, but who does “dylan” refer to?
6. #6 George says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 2:34 am

   Ah, great Oasis songs. Oh, wait, they don’t fucking exist, because for every good “Some Might Say,” Oasis makes musical abortions like “Put Yer Money Where Yer Mouth Is,” well, just about everything off of Standing on the Shoulders of Giants totally fucking blows. Oasis is at most a good band, and at worst, they make me want to go on a killing spree.

   Face it, Zeromage, Oasis fucking blows.
7. #7 avi says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 9:00 pm

   ok i agree on number 1 and MAYBE number 7 but the rest of the list is awful.
8. #8 Journeythroughhell says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 5:52 pm

   Sue me, guys, I prefer R.E.M. over Oasis…
9. #9 eyesore says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 9:08 pm

   Wow…

   are you up your own ass ALL the time, or do you come out for air once in a while?
10. #10 Journeythroughhell says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 7:52 am

    And, by the way, it’s nice that you respect others’ taste.
11. #11 arbeZameniC says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 3:17 am

    Wow. HORRIBLE list. The only one I agree with is the number one spot. Let me explain why the rest of them are unbelievably stupid.

    10 – Okay, so you can’t play music. What does that prove? As long as you still love music and can tell the difference between a beautiful record and a shitty one, you’re fine.

    9 – Yes, fuck us for having opinions. It doesn’t matter whether you like or dislike a band, if you’ve given them a chance and listened to them you can stay whether you think they suck or they’re awesome. It doesn’t effect your knowledge of music at all.

    8 – I don’t live in Sweden. I live in America. Why should I know any music from Sweden? And why just say Sweden? Have you heard any music from Peru? Japan? Russia? If you haven’t, I might as well say you know nothing about music as well, Sweden fanboy.

    7 – I suppose this has some truth to it, that is if you’re talking about people who wear shirts of bands just because those bands are popular regardless of how good they are. But if there’s a new “cutting edge” band I like, I can wear a shirt of it if I fucking want to, it doesn’t demote my knowledge of music, hardcore or otherwise.

    6 – Yes, Beautiful Day sucks. I’ll admit, it’s one of the most overrated songs ever created. But I think you just heard that song and judged U2’s entire new style because of it. Have you heard anything from their new album? It’s friggin’ awesome. Plus, this goes back to the opinion issue. Whether I like or dislike U2 doesn’t effect my knowledge of them as long as I’ve given them a chance, which, judging by what you’ve said, is something you haven’t done.

    5 – LOL, opinion. If I want to have long hair while taking an office job that’s my choice, it doesn’t make me a poser and it doesn’t effect my knowledge of music at all.

    4 – I disagree with this one more than anything else. I mean come on. When you describe this one, you basically tell me that if I don’t just like a certain genre of music and put myself in a single category that I’m a n00b and I should go die lolololol. I don’t like or dislike any genre of music. I just like talent. I don’t care what genre it is, if I sense talent in what I’m listening to, I’ll listen to it some more.

    3 – LOL, opinion again. Sure, Bob Dylan is basically Rolling Stone’s bitch and they talk about how awesome he is without ever explaining why. But yet AGAIN, you’re judging someone’s knowledge of music for their tastes in it. This makes you a troll. And nobody likes trolls.

    2 – Well what you’re saying is that anyone who likes a band that Rolling Stone likes is someone who doesn’t like the band for the actual music. While this is true for some cases, it’s not for most. Sure, I like Nirvana and Rolling Stone just so happens to as well. Does that mean I’m just following what Rolling Stone says? Hell no, it’s just a coincidence.

    1 – Like I said in the beginning of this comment, this is the only one on the list I agree with. And boy do I agree with it. Rolling Stone is composed of flip-floppers (hey, let’s give Nirvana’s Nevermind just 3 stars out of 5 but then call it one of the best albums ever made!) and people who only give attention to what’s already popular (or what agrees with them politically) regardless of quality or musical talent. FUCK ROLLING STONE. If you read Rolling Stone magazine, there’s a 95 to 100 percent chance that you’re just doing it to show people that you know music and you’re cool because of it. Hell, you should have dedicated this list to how much Rolling Stone sucks because the rest of it is ridiculous and poorly executed.
12. #12 Zach says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 7:22 am

    How to know if you know nothing about music:
    1.) You are Zeromage
    2.) You are Zeromage
    3.) You are Zeromage
    4.) You are Zeromage
    5.) You are Zeromage
    6.) You are Zeromage
    7.) You are Zeromage
    8.) You are Zeromage
    9.) You are Zeromage
    10.)You are Zeromage
13. #13 Troll 4 Life says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Oasis is gay. Learning that people in England still listen to them is like learning that German people post-humorously vote for Hitler.

    Oasis sucks.