• Top 10 Ways to Know If You’re a “Hardcore Gamer”

  

  Written by Sage 133 Comments
  Last Updated:: November 11, 2008

  We here at OW get a lot of flack from a group of people who refer to themselves as “hardcore gamers.” Despite the fact that we have never claimed to cater to anyone, other than ourselves, these people feel they are owed something. They are an interesting lot. They have a lot to say when they are anonymous, and they find fault in everything. No game or system is perfect, and what little time they don’t spend playing games is spent complaining about them. Their most hated enemy is the “casual gamer” often blamed for the fall of gaming, whose peak was in the ’90s (around the time of SNES). In an interesting twist of fate, in the gaming world these people are gods but in real life they are nothing. If ever confronted by a hardcore gamer fear not, their only strength is in their wrists and fingers (from gaming and juggling their naughty bits); the rest of their bodies are doughy and atrophied from poor diets and lack of exercise. But if you’re worried you may have found one, or wondering if you might be one, here is a list that helps.

  10. You’re Fat

  All those hours spent on your couch, at your computer, or generally sitting around, has packed on the pounds. And who has time for a proper diet there’s gaming to be done? The “hardcore gamer” generally only eats one or two food groups; sugars which are obtained from sodas, candy, cookies, and cakes, as well as carbs, mainly from hot pockets, pizzas, and other microwavable/deliverable food stuffs. All this, plus an utter lack of exercise tends to add to the physique of your average ‘hardcore gamer.’

  But Americans are out of shape in general. Therefore this is not enough to identify a hardcore gamer from a herd of otherwise unhealthy American slobs. You must also consider…

  9. You Smell Bad

  Most fat people smell bad. Its really geometry’s fault. All those flaps and folds leave a lot of surface area that needs cleaning, and in this fast paced world and their lack of energy from merely breathing, who has the time? What sets the “hardcore gamer” apart from the herd is their complete abandonment of standard hygiene practices. Why take the extra ten minutes to shower when you could beat that last boss, finish the next level, or get the high score? The “hardcore gamer” still has to work, they just care not about what society thinks, so every second not gaming is a second wasted.

  But with the number of fat people in the world you can’t go on size and smell alone.

  8. Socially Awkward

  Where most children spend the day running around outside, building forts, playing capture the flag, exploring the woods and swamp behind your house, and doing other activities with the neighborhood kids, the hardcore gamer mastered whatever system was popular at the time. Unfortunately this leaves them with little ability to interact with non-digital people. In fact, the severe lack of vitamin D, well vitamins in general, has helped to warp their developing brains. Sunlight can often times scare the “hardcore gamer” since they seldom see it.

  Besides, the weight and stench of the average “hardcore gamer” subjugates them to relentless teasing and forcing them further from cultural norms of society and deeper into the gaming world. Thus a vicious cycle is created, and the “hardcore gamer” has no chance of becoming socially acceptable. Later in life, should a public appearance be forced, they are the perpetual wall flower. Similar to the corpse flower, which blooms rarely, if ever, the “hardcore gamer” is a titan of a smelly flower.

  7. You use leet speak.

  How has the average “hardcore gamer” dealt with their social outcast-ism? They have invented their own language. In one of the most childish reactions a group of people could have, they further force their own isolation by creating a useless and annoying language. Leet speak allows groups of “hardcore gamers” to bash on their most hated enemy, the casual gamer, without the casual gamer even knowing its happening. This is important, as the average casual gamer is far more physically fit and could easily beat the living hell out of a hardcore gamer, should they be found out.

  Leet speak further makes the hardcore gamer feel special. Every waking second reminds the hardcore gamer that they are in fact gigantic wastes of life, but at least their is one thing that the average person can’t figure out. I mean who in their right mind could crack the complex code that is leet speak? I mean replacing vowels with numbers, I don’t get it, but then again I’m not a “hardcore gamer.”

  6. You’ve camped out to buy a new game/system (and not for profit)

  

  Every now and again something so incredible is released that the hardcore gamer must be the first to own the game/system to keep their virtual street cred, or be subject to ridicule from both the real world and the gamer world. This requires the hardcore gamer to leave the comfort of their basement for an extend period of time. Thank God for portable video game systems. More interestingly it is often the only time that hardcore gamer interacts with other hardcore gamers face to face. No one truly knows what happens during these meetings, but assuredly it’s awkward, smelly, and contains lots of casual gamer bashing. Others speculate that this may be the time when alpha-hardcore gamers can assert their dominance amongst the herd. This is undoubtedly done through boasting of high scores, how fast a game was completed, or how much epic gear they have. It is even speculated that upon purchasing the game, a race to get home and be the first to play it ensues, which also helps to pick the alphas of the herd.

  Whats more interesting is that many of these systems can be sold on ebay at massive profit. But the hardcore gamer cares not for money, unless its a none real currency used in an MMORPG, then they are obsessed. I personally know a guy who sold an Xbox 360 for over a grand when they first came out, and he didn’t even have to camp out.

  5. You have a “girlfriend” on your favorite MMORPG

  Why waste all that time putting your sweet club gear when all the ladies really want man in a sweet set of epic gear? Plus you’re fat, smelly, and social awkward, but not your level 100 rogue. No he’s a handsome devil, witty, and generally likable. He can get the ladies, and in fact he has. You met her while questing and fell in love while sacking a small goblin cave. You talked between levels 20 through 30. It got serious around level 31, but then at 50 you knew it was right. You got down one knee and traded her the diamond ring in your inventory for her heart in hers. The wedding was in front of a waterfall, a none existent waterfall in a made up world. She cried, you cried, and then you made love. Sweet, sweet fake love. It was your first time but she didn’t care.

  Though you’ve never met in real life and she is probably a 35 five your old man who lives in his parent’s basement, just like you, you love her and would never do anything to betray that. Not for all the cheap bar skanks in the world. So if you happen to have real friends, which most hardcore gamers don’t, you can’t go trolling the bard because that would unfaithful. Besides, eventually you will meet Gary, the love of your life, and the two of you will be sweaty and gross together till the end of your days.

  4. You’ve Missed Work To Play a Game

  Don’t worry I’m out of sick days too, I went to Caribbean and needed an extra few days to recover. Not the hardcore gamer. No, they use all of their vacation time, sick time, and may have even been fired because of their love for video games. Who cares about those TPS reports and who can remember if they need a cover sheet or not, what’s important is being the first to beat the latest game or get the highest score. Yeah it took you all night but that’s the kind of commitment the hardcore gamer has. Besides Mom and Dad pay the rent so the job isn’t really required.

  Plus you’re so unhealthy that you have to frequent the doctors office a lot. You need your high blood pressure pills, diabetes medication, ,constipation remedies, and arthritis meds. The hardcore gamer must be battle ready at all times. What if some new upstart should challenge you in multiplayer mode, a heart attack would certainly end your reign as king quickly. Hardcore gamers need their rest, so jobs and real life in general must be pushed to side.

  3.You Actually Get Upset When Someone Makes Fun of your favorite console.

  The hardcore gamer has put so much of their life into what was once considered only a pass time, that they have developed a strange passion, nay, a love for their consoles. These consoles were always there for them. When they got picked on at school, when the hot girl turned them down, when they couldn’t find a date to the prom, when the hot girl’s boyfriend beat them up, when no one would sit next to them at lunch, when the doctor told them they had to take a limb, when they lost their job, when they had to start shopping at the big and tall store, and the list goes on and on. What’s the best way to get over all this heartbreak? Trounce some n00bs on the battlefield, that’ll show the world.

  So when they do take a break from gaming to read about games, they will defend their most loved console with the gravest of idol threats they have to offer. What’s worse is that the hardcore gamer loses much need sleep over this. How dare someone say that Playstation 3 is cheap and derivative (which it is). How dare they say the Wii is better. The Wii doesn’t have the hardcore gamers’ interests in minds; it’s for the enemy. The ‘casual gamer.’ Making fun of the hardcore gamer’s favorite system is like making fun of a 5 year old’s mother, completely unforgivable.

  2. You Leave Long angry messages on the OW boards

  OW is the greatest website of all time, trust us we made a list about it. We represent everything the hardcore gamer is not. We are social, are college educated, in good shape, handsome, witty, have girlfriends, like going out, are well versed in rhetoric, well you get the point. Ladies loves us and guys want to be us. What’s worse is that we dare to put our opinions about things on the internet; the territory of the hardcore gamer. This is the one place they can defend for they fear no reprisal from the safety of their couch or basement. We cannot reach them there. We here at OW have never claimed to be doing this website for anything but our own twisted enjoyment, this further infuriates the hardcore gamer. We deviate from what the herd accepts as truth, we poke the very fat bear, and we laugh at them all the time. Plus our fact checking mechanism isn’t always in the best of order.

  To combat all this the hardcore gamer leaves very long, very well researched comments on most of our articles. Oftentimes they threaten us, we could out-walk them of course, let alone out run them. What they don’t do however is anything creative of their own, no, that would require time, precious gaming time. Its always better to play the creative works of others and complain about what you didn’t like. Heaven forbid you do anything of your own. No the long standing credo of the hardcore gamer is: consume, consume, consume. Creation is beyond these smelly behemoths and it actually offends them.

  1. You are a Virgin

  So what, you’re fat, smelly, and socially awkward but even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and again right? Nope, not the hardcore gamer. It takes time to whooo a young lady’s heart, time and money. And what hardcore gamer would waste either of those two things on anything but the latest game on the market, their subscription to their favorite MMORPG, or the latest console to drop? And then there’s the message boards, you gotta leave angry comments on those, how else will all those anonymous people know how hardcore of a gamer you really are? No the hardcore gamer has time for only one thing, and thats games. Besides there’s always internet porn and you are saving the damsel in distress most of the time right?

  Plus you’ve got that MMORPG girlfriend you have to be faithful to. Who cares if you never met her, your world of warcraft vows were real and thats all that matters? No sex is best left to those who could survive the physical labor involved, besides you haven’t seen your naughty bits in years, and God knows if they even work. And who even knows how to talk to girl anyway? Lord knows the hardcore gamer doesn’t. All that time playing games has left their poor minds blank when it comes to that aspect of their lives. This is the true test of the hardcore gamer. Sex might lead to creation and no hardcore gamer wants that. That would completely violate their credo.

  Related Posts: Top 10 Reasons the Wii Has Dominated the PS3

133 Comments

1. #1 Laughlin says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 10:45 pm

   after reading this list i thinks that the blogger is really hardcore.
2. #2 Jabba says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 2:33 pm

   This was the funniest thing I’ve ever read. At first I thought this list was lame, but once I got to reason #5 I couldn’t stop laughing for about 10 minutes straight. Great stuff.
3. #3 Guy says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 1:42 am

   you guys suck.
4. #4 The Nerd says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 12:21 pm

   You’re lucky I don’t know you in person, or I’d bitch slap you. This list sucks. And so does this site.
5. #5 Heroic Janitor says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 10:55 pm

   Nice generalizations you’ve got going on there.

   Oh and most of them are all wrong.

   The idiot who made that “article” is mixing up various concepts such as basement dweller, fanboy and retard.
6. #6 MADDOX says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 3:16 am

   YOU DUMB BITCH!!! I’ve never read such a ridiculous heap of depraved intellect. You can kiss my ass and lick my fucking balls. I used to love kicking the shit out of overweight gamer nerd fags like you back in high school. I have a question though: Have you ever gotten laid?? Seriously…Touched a tit?? Have you EVER fucked a girl that was under 200 pounds? I have. And I’m not talking about that pussy boy software keel that you suck off under your cubicle. I don;t know if I should even leave this comment because you might track me down with your computer skillz and have your posse of Klingon warriors shoot invisible lazers at me. By the way does your mom know you have this site???????? She’s not gonna take you to the Star Trek convention next year if she finds out what you’ve been doing. BITCH!!!!!!!!!!! You think you’re so fucking tough but you WOULD CURL UP INTO the FETAL POSITION AND SCREAM AND CRY AND BEG FOR LIFE, if you ever saw me in real world you fucking geek.

   KEEP SUCKING DICK MAYBE SOME DAY YOUR DADDY WILL ACTUALLY PAY YOU FOR IT.
7. #7 JeZeP says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 3:14 pm

   The comment above is a perfect example of #2.
   Keep up the good work OW!!!
8. #8 asguarifgu says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 3:15 pm

   agreed 100%
9. #9 President Steve says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 5:18 pm

   This article made me cry I laughed so hard.

   And Maddox, I’ll bet you fit into at least 9 of these categories.
10. #10 spaceman says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 3:33 am

    Well, I have never proposed to anyone on wow….so HA!
11. #11 Uhhhhhhhhh, pie says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 8:25 pm

    MADDOX. You really are “MAD” aren’t you? Yes, like jesep and President Steve said, I’ll bet you fit in most of these catagories.
12. #12 Adam says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    This list was hilarious. And that comment from Maddox was almost as funny.
13. #13 Anonymous says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 7:46 am

    Hey Faggots,

    My name is Maddox, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day playing video games. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any pussy? I mean, I guess it’s fun making fun of people because of your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to pictures on facebook.

    Don’t be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I’m pretty much perfect. I was captain of the football team, and starter on my basketball team. What sports do you play, other than “jack off to naked drawn Japanese people”? I also get straight A’s, and have a banging hot girlfriend (She just blew me; Shit was SO cash). You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.
14. #14 cody floyd says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 11:29 pm

    maddox is right
15. #15 Alberto says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 10:53 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    This was funny shit
16. #16 Delta says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 11:09 pm

    Obviously Maddox is an insecure pussy bitch virgin. I bet he still gets his ass kicked to this day. How pathetic of that retard to go out of his way and come on here and insult people who have nothing to do with him. I bet he would cry if I was ready to kick him.
17. #17 Kiniest says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    I’d bitch slap you right now if it wern’t for these four reasons.

    1. I have a sense of humor.
    2. This was probably a joke.
    3. The other guys here take this too seriously.
    4. I have no way of finding out exactly who you are just so I can hunt you down and bitch slap you.
18. #18 The question guy says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 7:48 am

    A few questions:
    1. Why, EXACTLY, are so many people getting angry at this article?
    2. Why is it that so many people want to talk about how good they are, or about how they have some hot girlfriend, or about how they’re certainly not a virgin, or about how they can beat someone else up in a confrontation. I’ll be completely honest, I’m not that strong, I probably couldn’t beat someone else up, I don’t have some supermodel girlfriend (or one at all for that matter), and I am a virgin. But, if I was any of those things, I wouldn’t go bragging about it like I’m better than somebody else. I’m not saying that I don’t have some serious flaws myself, but I really don’t think it’s necessary to go around talking about how good my job is or something.
    3. Why should anyone care who is or isn’t a virgin? Just because you had sex with someone and I didn’t doesn’t mean anything. I’ve probably done things that most other people haven’t done, but it shouldn’t make a difference to anyone.
    4. What’s with all the anger, insults, and the curses? I can maybe understand the anger, but I really don’t think calling someone insecure or an idiot is really necessary, or using curse words. I mean, can’t you just take a few seconds to think of something else to say?

    Also, on an unrelated note, I think that all three of the major systems out now are pretty good, but that may be ’cause I don’t own any of them. True, some may have better games or more games than others, but if I owned even one of them, I’d be happy, or at least satisfied.
    Not that anyone should care what I think, or even read this post for that matter. In fact, reading this post was probably a waste of your time. Writing it was certainly a waste of mine. As if anyone cares what I write. I laugh at the thought. Here I go: HA HA
19. #19 Fedricco Rabaya says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 1:22 am

    MADDOX why don’t you write your own f*cking list. I bet your so dumb you can’t even start.
20. #20 Fedricco Rabaya says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 1:41 am

    To the blogger you’re HARDCORE man. Ignore MADDOX’s comment he’s just jealous.
21. #21 Milky says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 7:08 am

    Now I don’t see how anybody could get angry at this, unless they are actually a fat smelly virgin.
    Looking at you Maddox.