• Top 10 Reasons Old-Wizard Sucks

  

  Written by destructomaximo 72 Comments
  Last Updated:: February 9, 2009

  ‘Sup A-Holes? Every day, through several channels, we are told how much you hate our little corner of the interbutts. We are reminded daily that we are the electronic dingleberry of the world wide web. We are the digital pimple on the pixilated face of the gaming culture. I have to say, we really don’t mind the rampant farting in our general directions; in fact, we bask in its stank. However, just to let you Klingons know we hear you, here are the top 10 reasons OW sucks the big one.

  10. We are too erratic, we should stick to gaming.

  Yeah, it’s hard to be stuck to gaming when we spend so much time stuck to your mother—OH!!!!! So what, we game. While we make it clear that we, our selves, are gamers, we never stated that this was a gamer site. In fact, we have repeatedly stated that this site is an extension of our ridiculous real-life conversations. We are both college educated lads with scientific degrees, we are a bit more diverse than just gaming. Besides, after a 14 hour Magic session and a 12 pack of mountain dew you can get sort of gamed-out. You want games, go to IGN. You want nonsense, come to OW.

  9. We are not/terrible/failed journalists.

  Ah, yes. I fell into software development when my career as a blurb writer fo some hip indie press didn’t pan out. Did we ever claim to be journalists? Have I ever asked you to proofread my New Yorker submissions? No. I sat in a pub, or in my living room, yelling at/with zeromage, and we decided to publish it. I think the moment of clarity was when zero said to me “You are such a stubborn, stodgy, ridiculous a-hole, but I can guarantee someone on the internet would still agree with you.” Thusly, old-wizard was born.

  8. We are stuck perpetually in 1994.

  Can’t really argue here. As far as I’m concerned it’s always 1994, 1994 just gets better every year. My acne cleared up and I got a girl to marry me, didn’t see that coming 14 years ago.

  7. We destroy your myspace inbox.

  Hey jackass, easy fix: delete us as a friend if you don’t like it. We send them out when we publish new articles. We’re on MS solely to keep people abreast of our new content, we have no desire to have more fans or friends than Tilla Tequilla. We will never mention that name on this site ever again, I promise.

  6. We are not funny.

  We are not funny because you have no sense of humor. We are offensive because you have no sense of humor. You don’t like us because you have no sense of humor. That’s fine, that’s why there are literally millions of websites on the internet, to cater to everyone’s tastes. Just because you play games doesn’t mean you need to like us. Hell, I don’t eat meat but I can’t stand Peta.

  5. We are Nintendo fan-boys.

  Do you want to know why I hate SEGA? There are 2 reasons why my hatred runs so deep. 1) My original nes still works, and so do all of my games. 2) SEGA made me buy SEGA CD and it made me play Sewer Shark. I saved up my hard earned money, and do you know how long I played it? As long as it took Metallica to play its Woodstock 94 set. Nintendo had awesome add-ons. Even U-Force was pretty awesome. When the power glove proved lame, it was still a rad accessory to my Darth Vader Halloween costume when I was 14. Sega burned me, and it burned me badly. It will never be forgiven and Sonic 3D made me throw up several times. Not even the glory of NHL 94 (how many 1994 references is that?) could redeem my tainted (lol, i said taint) opinion of sega. Not even Brodie yelling “Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, the Whale, they beat Vancouver, what, once, maybe twice in a lifetime?” can change my mind. Go to hell Sega, and take your fan boys with you.

  4. We perpetuate the idea that video games lead to violence.

  This complaint ranks up there with the complaints we receive about out scariest games article. What would you do if Tipper Gore went on CNN today and proclaimed Bayou Billy was ruining the youth of America? Would you take it seriously, or would you post that shit on youtube for the entire planet to laugh at? Yet, you take us seriously. Us. Old-Wizard, the duo that brought you the top ten reasons to not use a public bathroom. Really? REALLY?

  3. We are factually inaccurate.

  This is untrue. We have a team of fact checking donkeys that are mind-linked with the interwebs and three kittens who have each memorized one third of the 1994 version of Encyclopedia Britannica who edit every single article we write before we ever even write it. We’re thorough, bichez.

  2. We just don’t care what our readers think of us.

  You got us here. We really just don’t care.

  1. We are Oasis obsessed.

  This is as much an inside joke as it is true. When Zero and I first ran into each other after not seeing each other since we were about 9, we had this argument. I am much louder than Zeromage. MUCH, much louder. I was shouting about how the Beatles were the greatest group ever, and that any group that comes close to their greatness will never reach it because they have unavoidingly taken something from the Beatles in the process. Zeromage stood up to me with the argument that Oasis was a better band than the Beatles. Zeromage honestly believes this as fact. He has arguments, facts, statistics, spreadsheets, and EERDs of data warehouses devoted to this fact. Not only that, but he has a gang of friends who have his back on this. For years, every time we ran into each other, we would end up in a shouting match about this. His dedication to his cause, and his painstaking research on the topic, have made it impossible for me to win the argument. Although I (DM) do not agree, I can not beat Zero and I have conceded and allowed the official stance of OW to proclaim its man-love for Oasis. Whatev…

72 Comments

1. #1 David Mcleod says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 6:29 pm

   You do whatever you have to do, stick to your guns, and when and if you have time to make a list you make a list, i know if i was working two jobs i wouldn’t be writing a website on the side, I’m a lazy sum bitch:P But if i was in your position i would be doing the same thing. I may not always agree with you guys, but keep up the good work and the good fight and never give up!:P
2. #2 Kevin says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 7:28 pm

   Here, I’ll give you why you guys suck. Now I love your posts and they are AWESOME!!!! but also very annoying to find out that you guys are stuck in 1994, yes, you guys are… GOD!!! I used to play those classic games myself before and yeah, they are so friggin AWESOME!!! but umm… year anyone? 2009!!! Do something different with more modern games of this generation. like for example; do a top ps3 games list, do the same for each system, do previews of modern games in your posts and give your feel of what you think might be good and might not. Give top 5 reasons why you guys love SEGA!! HAHAHA… yeah ok as if. I check your website all the time for cool funny posts, so keep them COMIN’

   KP
3. #3 anon says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 5:13 am

   This list is great, but if you wanted a real reason I would list the awful music taste of the authors.
4. #4 Jordan says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 2:21 am

   Old-wizard u suck. Stop makin bad comments about Websites, people, and other stuff. Your just a load of shit.
5. #5 TrixRabbi says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 3:47 am

   “You put Nirvana on the Top 10 Most Overrated Bands List”

   Nirvana is probably one of the most overrated bands ever. At the same time they are in no way, shape or form a bad band and Kurt Cobain wrote and performed some amazing songs. They just get way more credit than they deserve.
6. #6 UP2IP2 says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 8:43 pm

   I agree with some stuff but JUST STOP SUCKING NINTENDO’s dicks.PLEASE.SEGA IS GOOD GAMING SYSTEM AND HOWEVER YOU NEVER PROOF ABOUT WHY SEGA SUCKS?
7. #7 Iren says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 1:43 pm

   Awesome list!
8. #8 Smitty says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 11:40 pm

   I agree, you guys suck.
9. #9 Anonymous says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 9:52 pm

   If you don’t care what you audience think, why even have a comment section on your articles?
10. #10 Oder says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 6:47 am

    Should have made this a top 100.
11. #11 Doobs says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    Good thing you guys can admit that about yourselves.
12. #12 MaximoDestructo says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 3:01 am

    Finally a list from this gay site I agree with. And Oder was onto something…Make this a top 100. idiots.
13. #13 Berner says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 7:13 am

    Ha!

    Great list!
14. #14 avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    I like OW despite these things.
15. #15 avi says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 11:10 am

    ya u shoulld make this a top 100
16. #16 Mr. Universe says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 11:02 pm

    An Old-Wizard list I agree with!
17. #17 Bleson says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    The war is over.

    Zeromage, is a fanboy.
    That is all we needed to know.

    and now I can leave Old-Wizard in peace.
18. #18 BairdHere says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    Seriously, you really do suck.
    My Reasons why.
    1. You don’t recognize anything modern. It seems that in your minds if its new, it sucks.
    2. You thrust your opinions waaaaay to strongly. Opinions are ok, but if you have opinions that generally contradict everyone else’s, don’t post em, cause then youll look like dochebags, which you are by the way.
    3. It says “Whack it. Yeah. Whack it.” on the bottom of your site.
    4. You constantly complain about fanboys when you are indeed some of the biggest fanboys of various things like Oasis, Nintendo, and being dochebags.
    5. You try to be mildly funny or cute while you just end up pissing other people off.
    6. “We don’t care what our readers think of us”. That’s great but the attitude that comes with it, SUCKS.
    7. The few people that actually like your site kiss your ass like your the best site on the internet. An example of this is post #2.
    8. I forgot number 8
    9. Your lists suck. Sure the title usually sounds appealing but once your down to about #6 or #5, your already pissed off and questioning why your on Old Wizard.com
    10. You persistently insult EVERTHING. As said before, opinions are great but they usually suck, especially yours. Yet you continue to post them to your site.
    Baird out…
19. #19 alberto says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    FUNNY, I LOVE THIS SITE.

    It has it’s ups and downs., but I think you guys do a great job. I mean you don’t get paid, but you just do it for the love of it.

    keep up the good work
20. #20 Journeythroughhell says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 7:49 am

    I think that you’re trying to show us how dull and stupid this critisism is, but I can’t see that because you bring up some really constructive calims…
    10. Except for this one, it’s a retarded claim.
    9. Well, guys, you aren’t journalists, anything but, because you’re just obsessed nostalgia fanboys.
    8. Yup
    7. The hell?
    6. “We are not funny because you have no sense of humor.” No, that’s not how it goes. Nice response to critisism.
    5. You are.
    4. No, it is just your another irritating complaint about modern games
    3. Yeah, I don’t care for that
    2. Well, you shouldn’t…
    1. I have no problems with Oasis but it isn’t better than the Beatles and it will never be.
21. #21 Fedricco Rabaya says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 1:11 am

    U guys suck but I will still come here and read your articles.