The 51st Annual Wizzies

The 51st Annual Wizzies

Written by Sage 78 Comments
Last Updated:: February 23, 2009

Last night was the biggest, most watched, and arguably the most important awards show in the country. I speak of course of the Wizzies, presented by the infamous Old-Wizard.com. Much like the way the Golden Globes predict the Oscars; the Oscars are said to predict the Wizzies. The evening started with a star studded red carpet event, where everyone from poet laureate Maya Angelou, who later gave the invocation address, to Mickey Rourke, who presented the award for best website, was in attendance. It was a variable who’s who of actors, intellects, and important politicians. After everyone filed in and took their seats, the invocation was given and Oasis played the national anthem, which was the first time that a foreign band has ever played our national song at the Wizzies. This year’s event was action packed, including a fist fight between the staff members of OW, and a rather tear full ode delivered by Nelson Mandela. Unlike in years past, O-W cleaned up this year, winning a number of the Wizzies in categories ranging from best performance in a drama to the most environmentally destructive industrial paper clip producer. Here were the highlights:

BEST FAN OF OLD-WIZARD

The Nominees:

David MacPhail
David McLeod
Gamer Muzz
Real Zeromage
Master Barker

And the winner is… David MacPhail!

This guy loves to read our website the same way we jump out of bed on Saturday mornings to watch Pokemon. Actually we hate Pokemon and have never watched it. David here, on the other hand, loves this website. He reads every article and leaves a comment on almost all of them. Unfortunately, however, we recently had to take out a restraining order on him because he was seen parked out front of OWHQ way too often. And with our late nights we can’t have this psycho lurking around trying to kill us. So, for that reason he wasn’t able to attend the Wizzies this year, so we will be accepting his award for him and will pass it along through our lawyers and the appropriate authorities.

BEST COMMENT ON OLD-WIZARD.COM

The Nominees:

Master Barker on “Horoscope by DestructoMaximo”
PHill on “Mail Bag Aug 14, 2008”
gameraXis on “Top 10 Ways to Tell If You’re a Hardcore Gamer”
Delta on “Superman vs Thor”
Vintage Junkie on “Top 5 Girls From the Wonder Years”

And the winner is…Delta!

As everyone knows Old-Wizard has the greatest/strangest set of fans. They either love us or they hate us. We have yet to find someone who thinks we’re okay. Either way our best fans/haters leave rather long, rather well thought out arguments. One of the longest was by Delta. Unfortunately we have no idea who Delta is, so we’ll accept his award for him. To be honest, we didn’t read this whole comment. Its long, and if you’re a fan of the website you’re well aware of our laziness and general lack of a work ethic. In any case, congrats, Delta and good job. I’m sure in some very small way you’ve changed the world.

BEST ARTICLE

The Nominees:

Is this a Unified Theory of the Brain?

Sega Gate!

And the winner is…Sega Gate!

Sure a theory of the brain is good and all, but Sega Gate showed that the leader of the Sega fan-boys never even owned a Sega system. I mean how much more ground breaking can it get? Here are all these deluded, confused, and rather unintelligent folks running around thinking that Sega was a good company. Then, with a little research and a lot of elbow grease, we find out that their crazed leader doesn’t even own any of the Sega Systems, completely pulling the rug out from under them. This scandal, of course, sent the hordes of Sega fans into a descending spiral of chaos. Many were mauled to death, some ran to the hills to start small shanty towns, others went into extreme shock therapy programs and eventually realized that Sega was just gigantic failure and are now doing well. And it was all thanks to Old-Wizard’s groundbreaking investigative report.

BEST WRITER

The Nominees:

Stephen King
Tom Robbins
Zeromage
DestructoMaximo
Sage

And the winner is… A three way tie between ZM, DM and Sage!

Accepting the award will be ZM, no wait, it seems DM is coming too! And not to be out-done, Sage is getting up out of his seat as well. Interestingly DM and ZM have locked eyes and are circling each other in a rather animalistic manner. Ahhh Sage has made it to the stage, oh my God ZM and DM have tackled Sage and the three of them are rolling around in a rather comic cloud of dust. Now it seems that DM has bashed the other two over the head and is walking off with the now blood stained Wizzie. Well I’m sure those crazy kids will work it out.

BEST AWARDS

The Nominees:

The Wizzies
The Grammies
The Oscars
The Tonys
The Nobel Prize

And the winner is… The Wizzies!

Of all the award shows out there, we here at OW and the Wizzies are so excited that we have won our own award. I mean these other awards are important, but the Wizzy is the only one that we just made up and decided was really important. Only the best win the Wizzies, and since the Wizzies won the Wizzies, it follows that the Wizzies are the most important awards of them all. Winning this award makes all the work we put into them worth it. Thanks again to the Wizzies, and better luck next year to the others.

WORST WEBSITE:

The Nominees:

InmatesForYou.com
hamsterdance.com
myspace.com
pokemon.com
Seganerds.com

And the winner is…Sega Nerds!

Seganerds.com is a lot like a support group for people who refuse to move on. You see Sega is largely a failed company that had 5 descent games total, and that’s counting games from all of their failed systems. Generally speaking, the only thing memorable about Sega is Sonic, and Sonic is an obvious copy of Mario. Sega is terrible waste of video gaming and these people are terrible wastes of gamers who sit and sulk about how no one likes Sega. These degenerates truly believe that Sega is good company and that it actually made good games. Its sort of like thinking Yugos were good cars, Skids were cool pants, and Enron was a good investment. In any case, this is a terrible website for terrible people, and for some reason the Sega nerds didn’t show up to the awards so we will accept it for them.

BEST WEBSITE

The Nominees:

Old-Wizard.com
Google
CNN
Wikipedia
Yahoo
Ebay

And the winner is… Old-Wizard.com!

Wow this is truly an honor. First we would like to thank Old-Wizard.com for honoring us, Old-Wizard.com. It truly shows how great a website like O-W is to honor O-W the way they have. We would also like to thank the great websites we were competing against. Google, because we probably use it more than we do our own website. Special thanks also to Wikipedia, we love this site so much. First because you can change the articles and make them say ridiculous things, and second because it’s the site we use to do all our fact checking. Which may have led to a number of errors because of the former. Thanks again to O-W but we have to go because we have some auctions ending on EBay and we have to make sure we win.

78 Comments

#1 David Macphail says:
March 16th, 2010 at 6:51 pm

I agree with Polish Pounder, next year’s Wizzies should feature more categories. Maybe you could even have a category for “Best Category”.

Also, if there’s a Wizzie for “Best Idea” i should get it for my “Best Category” idea.

#2 George says:
March 16th, 2010 at 1:42 am

I was just getting tired of the back and forth. Sorry McLeoud

#3 David Mcleod says:
March 16th, 2010 at 1:44 am

S’all good George.

#4 Rich says:
March 16th, 2010 at 1:04 am

funny shit.

#5 roberto says:
March 16th, 2010 at 6:49 pm

dear old-buttbutt.com

way to stroke off the mctwat bros david and david. not even an honorable mention… sad the jedi council is

master yoda

#6 David Mcleod says:
March 16th, 2010 at 8:31 pm

roberto

Such a strong man you must be to make fun of people while hiding behind a computer. I have never called you names so why call me any? We were nominated because we post a lot on here nothing more. And i have pretty much been nothing but courteous to everyone while at the same time voicing my opinion.

BERSERKR

#7 David Macphail says:
March 16th, 2010 at 9:12 pm

Roberto, i hear next year they’re holding a Wizzie for “Inbred moron of the year” and “Most idiotic poster of the year”. I’m sure you’ll be the frontrunner for both awards.

On another topic i hear your mother is also up for the “Human most likely to one day be classified as a planet” Wizzie……so you don’t have long to wait before taking home the gold.

BTW – if you come on here with nothing but insults then you can expect to be made a fool out of. The real Wizzies go to people who actually contribute something to this website…..all you’re contributing is a bad smell and a lack of social skills, i’m sure you must be a real hit with the ladies (Or men, if that’s how you roll.)! LOL.

Stupid the Jedi council looks right now……….

#8 roberto says:
March 16th, 2010 at 9:26 pm

lmao. cant argue with that. u dudes def deserve an award. humbled the jedi council is.

master yoda

#9 knuclear200x says:
March 16th, 2010 at 6:17 pm

theres a 51st annual? I get the feeling that number was put there for one reason.

#10 George says:
March 16th, 2010 at 2:19 am

That comment by Delta covered too many topics, and had too few paragraph breaks. It was a violation of all that is good and right about comments.

Even when I write comments, I at least have paragraph breaks.

#11 Delta says:
March 16th, 2010 at 9:13 am

Wow, I didn’t even know I had won an award. I happened to come across the link scrolling through the comments on the Thor VS Superman article. Like a month and a half after I won the award.

George: I don’t even know what was the comment that got me the award, but I did a better job debating than almost everyone who made a comment there. I covered the relevant topics, made arguments that were normally backed-up by things shown in the comics, and showed a knowledge of both characters better than a lot of people. Sometimes I seemed to know Thor, who I was debating against, far far better than people debating FOR him. So what if I lacked paragraph breaks? At least I had fairly competent English and didn’t go, “LULZ u wrong Soopaman is teh BEST!!!11!1!! U LOSE EPIC FAIL LULZ!!!!!1111ONE1ONE!!ONE1″

#12 Droops says:
March 16th, 2010 at 7:42 pm

LOL! Great awards!

#13 MaximoDestructo says:
March 16th, 2010 at 6:45 pm

These awards suck. How was I not nominated. I hate this site. And who the FUCK is Sage????

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#14 Sir In Your Pants A Lot says:
March 16th, 2010 at 12:08 pm

51st? Why 51? Can someone please tell me? Its gonna drive me insane, and then who knows what I might do…

#15 Abigail says:
March 16th, 2010 at 3:46 pm

My god you guys are pretty much stuck up and dumb for awarding for yourself. Of course, I understand why you say you like your site the best….

#16 Avi says:
March 16th, 2010 at 12:50 pm

the guy you mentioned in sega-gate said himself he wasn’t a sega fanboy. they’re deluded because they like a 3rd-party company that used to be first-party. you apparently don’t know the difference between loss and failure, so plz stop saying ‘’sega failed.” and the snes wasn’t the winner… genesis did dominate the snes. the inclusion of dreamcast, saturn and virtual boy on your 5 worst consoles works only if you change the list to worst-selling consoles and then extend the list to 20. I doubt you own a genesis and think you’re just mad because of this. Sonic is pretty much the LEAST memorable part of sega.

#17 Avi says:
March 16th, 2010 at 12:57 pm

”noone likes sega”… if you read your comments, you would realize this statement couldn’t be more wrong. look at any top 10 game developers p.s. i said top 10 so don’t just go find a top 5 and pass it off as a top 10 and tell me when you find one without sega on it. did you find it yet? no? that’s okay, i mean it’s not like you’re gonna find it anyway.

#18 Avi says:
March 16th, 2010 at 1:52 pm

O-W, why don’t you just change your name to I-hate-Sega? and make that the name of your video game forum, too. and the name of all the articles in your VG forum, too. and the name of all your writers.

#19 Avi says:
March 16th, 2010 at 1:57 pm

heck, come to think of it, why don’t you just make all your articles say, ”I hate Sega” and just leave it at that. that way, you don’t have to make up stories about how some sega fanboy who never even said he was a sega fanboy doesn’t own a sega system and how it caused everyone who doesn’t work at old-wizard to realize sega is a failure when really all it did was ensure people you’d twist their words if they said anything good about sega.

#20 Avi says:
March 16th, 2010 at 6:41 pm

and the so-called leader of the sega fanboys said himself he wasn’t a sega fanboy.

#21 Avi says:
March 16th, 2010 at 11:50 am

if only the best win the wizzies, then why is there a category for ”worst website?”

#22 Avi says:
March 16th, 2010 at 10:58 am

you guys just talk about sonic and then list good nintendo games. that’s like someone saying Nintendo sucks and then, when they explain, they only mention Mario and then list good sega games. or saying Capcom sucks and in their explanation, they only mention megaman.