• Sega Gate! Chief Sega Fan Boy Doesn’t Own a Sega!!!

  

  Written by Zeromage 20 Comments
  Last Updated:: July 23, 2008

  It is a well known fact that we here at Old Wizard aren’t big fans of Sega. Its number one on our top 5 worst consoles list. We have Sonic on our worst video game characters list, and we have fielded piles of hate mail from the hordes of unkempt, uncouth, and rather ostentatious Sega fan boys. Last week we addressed a few video responses to these lists and launched a rather secret, and very dangerous undercover investigative report (Read that post here). From what we surmised their ‘leader’, as much as any one man can lead this rabble, is known only by his moniker SonicmanO, and his hard-line views include Nintendo burning, Playstation mutilation, and Xbox smashing, among other ignoble activities. What we have learned will shock the frail minds of Sega fan boys everywhere. The very leader they have lined up behind, the man they charge into battle with (and have lost every battle with time and time again), does not, nor has he ever, owned a Sega platform! This information came to us in an email sent to Old Wizard from a source deep within the Sega fan boy hierarchy, which is more like a pack of wild dogs than a structured organization. You can read the full email here. The source which will not be named, for they spoke to us under constant fear of death from the writhing Sega fan boy hordes, said and I quote;

  “…I’m a hardcore Sega fanboy.[but] In fact I don’t own any Sega consoles. I own a Wii, SNES, NES and Gamecube along with GB Advance as well. I believe I was kinda hard on the list when I look back but regardless, I mean the Genesis must’ve been a half decent console to actually stand a chance in the console wars. I believe that the Genesis didn’t sell because almost every video game fan was waiting for the NES’ successor. After all, everyone stuck with Mario and Nintendo and very few people would switch to getting a Genesis instead…”

  It took over three years of deep undercover investigation to find this information and number of informants were either killed or forced into silence. But the shocking nature of this report has barely scratched the surface of nerd society. When learning of this news one young ‘gamer’ began crying and refused to accept the truth. He soon ran off and has not been seen since. Its rumored that he has given up gaming entirely, is now in great shape, has friends, and has lost that strange odor. With the up and coming E3 conference, comicon, and the ‘con’ season in general, we imagine this news will be a damper on the otherwise festive events. We tried to reach SonicmanO for a comment on the matter, however, we were stopped at the gates of SFBHQ (Sega fanboy headquarters) and told if we valued our lives we should move on with our heads down, as to not provoke the aimless dregs that wander out side the gates, screaming non-sense about a new Sega console, and defeating playstation or attacking Sony. We fled as fast as possible for the foul stench in the air was hard to stomach.

  The staff here at Old-Wizard has begun to theorize that perhaps Sega Genesis consoles themselves no longer exist. Much like the dinosaurs this species of game console undoubtedly existed at one time but are we to truly believe that they still walk among us? If the leader of the Sega Fanboys doesn’t own one, is it possible that anyone owns one?

  

  This amateur photograph shows what appears to be a person playing a Sega Genesis in the deep woods of Canada’s northwest territory, although no expert has been able to confirm whether this photographs is real or not. Old Wizard recently conducted a six month expedition to these woods but after much hardship, near starvation, and the lose of three support staff and two sherpas we returned home with no new proof of the extremely elusive Sega Genesis.

  What this all means for the country and the world remains to be seen. As the news spreads among the hordes of Sega fanboys, known for their violent and temperamental ways, what will happen in this already unstable world? Will anyone be safe? How will the government handle this crisis? Where will the presidential candidates stand on the issue? Will they support the arrest and imprisonment of the marauding Sega fanboy hordes? Only time will tell.

  
  

20 Comments

1. #1 Dennis St. James says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 9:10 pm

   You guys never cease to amaze me! LOL
2. #2 TheGamesta says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 9:36 pm

   This was semi-enjoyable! Atleast the sarcasm is obvious in this column, unlike others. However how long have you guys had this written up before you decided to post it? “Up and coming E3 conference…” kind of gave it away.

   Still I’ll humor you guys a bit… something big is going to take place in the near future. Everything from the war on terror to the upcoming election is being overseen by Sega and their collective fanboys. For years they have been watching and guiding us… through the use of alien technology they have garned enough power to create an army of reptilian hedgehog chimeras – otherwise known as the Annunaki. The truth is out there.
3. #3 Pingfa says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 9:54 pm

   Nice report, Chief Nintendo. I enjoyed it.

   After reading the part about not owning any Sega consoles, I thought, ‘this kid must be a sheep’, but then I thought I might be assuming too much and that he could have just played many of the greats on an emulator and was well aware of all the greats out there.
   Course, this comment makes me dubious to say the least:
   “I mean the Genesis must’ve been a half decent console to…”

   Taking peoples’ word for it. Tutt tutt. It’s baffling how one can call themselves a ‘hardcore Sega fanboy’ without owning a single Sega console.

   On a side note, Old-Wizard, you just engaged in friendly fire – this kid’s a Nintendo fanboy.
   With the Nintendo fanboys in doubt of their allegiance, cautious of their allies, this paves way for Sega’s next insidious project:
   Empire: Total War
4. #4 sonic's evil twin says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 7:30 am

   yeah i have to admit that was good you really know your stuff
5. #5 Gary says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 11:38 am

   This made me LOL.
6. #6 BUG says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 7:01 pm

   this SonicmanO should probably own the actual [Sega] system he gives mad props too…
7. #7 Nick says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 10:03 pm

   I agree with Gamesta. This was funny.
8. #8 superchaosman says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 10:27 pm

   wow i really dont know why you guys hate sega with a passion. and you guy are saying the old sega sucks now im not a die hard sega fan i grew up with nintendo ive have every nintendo console cept the nes and virtual boy.i havent played that many sega games but i have played the sonic games i like sonic series almost as much i like the mario series.
9. #9 sonicman0 says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 7:33 pm

   Well that was crap….you guys arre IMPOSSIBLE. When I said i didn’t have a sega console, that meant I wasnt a fanboy…I never was. Look, they’res a difference between Sonic and sega. If I would have to choose I’d rather be a sonic fanboy than a sega fanboy. YOu guys always seem to take whatever I say the wrong way for your fans to LOL at or take em the wrong way. Don’t you realize that it’s IMPOSSIBLE for me to be a Sega fanboy if I don’t have any CONSOLES? Because of that, I’m more of a GUITAR HERO fanboy than Sega! Look lemme sum it up for you: Master System was above decent. NES was tops. Genesis was great, so as the SNES. The 32X sucked. The Sega CD was mediocre at worst. The Saturn was also mediocre at worst. The Dreamcast was, for what it was, above decent, but as a console in the 6th generation, it was decent at worst. But that doesn’t mean it was great. You know, let me think what you guys do…say, 4 of oyu people sit in a room all day of trying to make comebacks for what I said do humiliate me. But you know what, I don’t care. Continue being dumbasses and miss the point of what I’m trying to say. Let me tell you what on average of what a sega fanboy would say: “OMG OMG DAD! I gotta get a Genesis! I gotta” Now lemme have a 32x…” “NO”. “Dad…grr…if you do’nt I will slice your neck. and realize I was being NICE”. There you go. In fact I could care less if I got a sega console. I wouldn’t play it, I got better things to do. Anyway why don’t you just end the controversy and realize that I’m not a fanboy. In fact you might as well call me more of a nintendo fanboy than sega because as far as I’m concerned, you guys have made this go TOO FAR.
10. #10 sonicman0 says:
    March 19th, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Ok everybody just to let you know I didn’t say “I’m a hardcore Sega fanboy.[but]” they put that in. Also yes I do play on an emulator. You know who the real fanboy is? My bro. He’s more obsessed with Mario than I am with Sonic. He looks up speedruns a and backwards long jump glitcheds fron Super Mario 64. Again, you guys are going TOO FAR. Give it up. I know Genesis games from Game reviewers, and since those games were GOOD that’s why people mention them, and that’s how I know about them. Yes, in fact I woulf prefer for you to call me a Nintendo fanboy than Sega. Then this way your own plot backfires on you, old-wizard.
11. #11 weirdo000someguy says:
    March 19th, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Old wizard is OLD( No offense )
12. #12 Darkest Lord says:
    March 19th, 2010 at 4:07 am

    Sega fan boy got owned.
13. #13 Avi says:
    March 19th, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    sonicman0 is correct.
14. #14 Avi says:
    March 19th, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    if it’s ok for you to criticize a sega system when it’s obvious you don’t own one, then it should be okay for him to support a sega console when he doesn’t own one.
15. #15 Avi says:
    March 19th, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    ya don’t even know how to spell ”genesis”, how can I trust you own one.
16. #16 Avi says:
    March 19th, 2010 at 1:05 am

    I am starting to wonder if you even own a nintendo system, never mind sega.