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Ask Old Wizard

Written by Sage 40 Comments
Last Updated:: June 28, 2009

This week we answer some grammatically challenged questions from Nintendo Boy about Super Mario:

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Top 10 Oasis Songs

Written by Zeromage 87 Comments
Last Updated:: June 25, 2009

Making a best of Oasis list with only 10 of their songs on it is difficult for us here at Old-Wizard. A Top 100 would probably be difficult for us. We think every song they ever wrote was at least good. The proof is in the pudding. Look at this band’s b-sides and you will see the inordinate amount of quality songwriting possessed in the genius of Noel Gallagher. This attempt at putting together the top 10 Oasis songs should be seen as a preliminary attempt at an impossible task. Yes, this is how good we think Oasis are. You have a problem with that? Just make sure Be Here Now isn’t playing on the jukebox or you’ll be done.
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OW Investigative Series: Violence in Video Games

Written by Sage 12 Comments
Last Updated:: June 21, 2009

Part 4: Pokemon

In recent centuries the world has been racked with animal on animal violence. You need not look further than Animal Planet, Discovery Channel, and sometimes History Channel (check local listings). Every where we look some animal is killing another animal. But why? Is it for food? Are the creatures pre-programed to hate each other? Or has gang warfare spilled over into the animal kingdom? Only recently, since man has evolved hunting and tracking capabilities, has human on animal violence escalated. Some people, so called ’scientists’, have postulated that these behaviors are what allowed human beings to become the dominate species on our planet. A quick look out the window, if you live in an urban area at least, shows you that yes there are a lot of humans everywhere. But why has modern man chosen to still attack, kill, capture, and even eat animals? Is it because proteins obtained from meat and poultry are essential to a healthy diet? Is it because a number of domesticated species would no longer be able to survive on their own without human intervention? Or is it because of the destructive influence a certain video game has had on the populace? As we have shown in previous articles, all violence in society can be blamed on video games, so it only make sense that animal cruelty must also be the fault of video games.

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Top 10 Most Overrated Songs

Written by Zeromage 52 Comments
Last Updated:: June 18, 2009

The traditional list of overrated songs include songs that are patently overrated. This list however will feel the need to make evident those overrated songs that aren’t as obviously overrated to the casual listener. That being said, this list will piss people off because there will be songs on here that the reader will think are timeless or classic. This list will debunk the mythology placed on some of these songs by showing their boring quality, their average quality, and their tricks that make them seem better than they actually are. Some of the “best bands of all time” are on this list. This is not to say that we are condemning the bands, but just the specific songs, so take care before the commenting is in defense of the band rather than the song.
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Top 10 Worst Types of Music

Written by Zeromage 90 Comments
Last Updated:: June 11, 2009

With the broaching of pop music into art in the 20th century, it unfortunately burdened itself with it’s spatial nature. While this space would allow for some of the most classic genres of music (e.g. Motown, Britpop, Rock), it’s flexibility allowed it’s opposite and sometimes unequal reaction in genres of music that found it’s success within Pop’s flexibility, and not the core of artistic quality. In this list, we will highlight these music genres that have stained the great name of Pop music in the name of it’s own individuality, it’s own difference, without remembering the soul of Pop music. There will be an underlying hope throughout the list of a the recognition of the forgotten soul of Pop music.

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Top 10 Worst Fanboys

Written by Sage 1,547 Comments
Last Updated:: June 5, 2009

We here at OW like a lot of things. We also dislike a lot of things. In some cases the things we like and the things we don’t like overlap. For example we like the Dave Matthews Band but we dislike the average Dave Matthews fan. This could be pictured as a Venn diagram. Venn diagrams will be used a lot in this list so please take time to review the general concept. Another example is Pokemon, we hate Pokemon but enjoy a good Nintendo game. Once again a Venn diagram would very neatly describe this. In another unrelated matter, we here at OW, in our last list, mentioned that we wanted to sell out. However we haven’t received any offers that will prevent us from having to wake up and go to our jobs in the morning. So let’s step it up people! Also while I’m on it, we haven’t received any applications to join our religion that we’ve started. So again let’s step it up people! Finally the first person to send us a set of Venn diagrams describing this list wins a free OW t-shirt. So break out the pen and compass, some crayons, and your third grade math book and get to work.

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Star Wars Gripe

Written by Zeromage No Comments
Last Updated:: May 19, 2009

R2-D2 is in fact an android whore. Let’s look at the facts, in ROTJ, Bib Fortuna strokes R2’s dome. Now, I don’t speak droid, but he seemed to be pretty excited from all that touching. I think Bib Fortuna got off on the whole interlude too. There was a lot of rubbing and sweet talking going on in that scene and they “forgot” to translate what R2 was beeping about. C-3P0 also puts his hand on R2’s dome quite a bit. 3P0 isn’t the most masculine of robots either. That leads me to wonder, is R2 gay or is he really a she? No one knows that answer either.

The questions are is R2 a male, female, both, or neither? Does R2 feel pleasure? Does R2’s prong stick out when Luke says nice things to him? Is R2 a submissive, always obeying when someone tells him to stick his data stick into a foreign terminal?
Top 10 Ways to Tell If You’re Good at Video Games

Written by Zeromage 113 Comments
Last Updated:: May 18, 2009

We here at OW get a lot of flack for our beliefs. Further research, however, has shown that we are in fact right. Everything we say is actually the gospel truth! I know, we were just as shocked as you are. That being said, we are taking applications for worshipers. Unlike most religions we don’t want everyone, just your rich, cool, and popular people. There is a minimum yearly salary requirement and a rather extensive interview process. Also we have put together a list that allows a person to decide if they are good at gaming. These days games are stupid and easy and everyone thinks they are good at games for no particular reason. Here is a way to tell if you’re actually good at video games. And if you remember from the beginning of this list everything we say is the truth. So we win again. Also at a recent staff meeting we have all decided we are willing to sell out completely. If any TV executives, advertising agents, or magazine editor are reading this and want to offer us money we’re in.

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Ask Old-Wizard: Star Trek Edition

Written by Zeromage 17 Comments
Last Updated:: May 8, 2009

With the new Star Trek movie coming out today we decided to gather up all the Star Trek related questions that we’ve received for the past year that we’ve been running “Ask Old-Wizard” and answer them all at once. What we realized as we were answering them was just how nerdy our fan base really is. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Hope you enjoy!

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Top 10 Ways to Tell if a Game is “Hardcore”

Written by Zeromage 218 Comments
Last Updated:: April 28, 2009

If we here at OW know anything, which we don’t, then it’s definitely hardcore games and gamers. These are the people who take what is merely a pass time and make it a serious way of life. Much like the professional athlete, the hardcore gamer takes the gaming experience to a whole new and smelly level. But this list isn’t about them, no we’ve done that before, we’ve done the comprehensive study of what your average hardcore gamer looks like already. This time we try to get into there heads, through the layers of greasy unwashed hair, past the dandruff ridden scalp, under the extra layers of fat, and beneath the thick skull (its thick from supporting all the grease, fat, and dry skin). To further our efforts in understanding these behemoths we began systematic studies of the games which hardcore gamers identify as “hardcore” and our findings are shocking to say the least. We’ve organized some of our data into a list which ranks the importance of a particular attribute of a particular game in the order in which the hardcore gamer holds the importance of said attribute when purchasing a new game with their parent’s money. That is to say we made a top ten list.

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