Old-Wizard.com - Part 22

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Top 5 Worst Gaming Consoles of All Time

Written by Zeromage 254 Comments
Last Updated:: April 20, 2008

The video game world has seen its fair share of poor systems that had no business being released in the first place. Some of these systems were created for getting something in time for a holiday. Others were carefully constructed, and failed for any number of reasons from poor games, to poor sound, to poor graphics, or to just plain bad ideas as we’ll see with the #5 entry specifically. Luckily, most of the video game world had always rebounded from its bad ideas, and created systems that were much more intuitive in the fun factor for the gamer. On this list then, we will highlight what we think are the worst systems of all time. As always, there will be those who disagree, especially with one of our entries. We expect a high amount of criticism and even some profanity from some of our choices, but we ask you to read the arguments and consider what is being said before flaming them to no end. We’re sure we’ll see a lot of your own “top 5 worst systems of all time” after this list. The systems that overlap between our lists may be cause for some agreement between us and the reader. But we’re pretty the sure the flames will be stronger. They always are.
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Top 10 Gaming Consoles of All Time

Written by Zeromage 114 Comments
Last Updated:: April 19, 2008

The home based video game system has been the greatest signifier for what a “nerd” is. What would a nerd be without home video game systems? From the next gen systems of today, to the video game systems of yesteryear which collect dust over time only to be undusted when the urge comes to replay Zelda 1 for Nintendo. The nerd who is usually considered to be socially inept because of his insistence in staying indoors playing video games all day doesn’t hit at the deeper reasons for the nerd’s disposition. The video game system for the nerd is a place to escape the banality of what consists of much of the real world, into dungeons with 8 horned dragons spewing fireballs at them. This phenomena is not because of social ineptness, but because of a want for a world with much more variety, and much more creativity. The nerd wants to go on epic adventures every day where the world is on the line and it is up to them and their friends to save it. As they are not offered this chance in the real world, they find their solace with the advent of the home gaming system revolution. These next systems are the best that the home video game platform has had to offer. Many memorable games have been titles for these systems, and this is the most important factor for us in choosing what the best video game systems have been.

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Ask DestructoMaximo: April 19th, 2008

Written by destructomaximo 7 Comments
Last Updated:: April 19, 2008

Hi everybody! It’s me, Destructo! Ask me any questions you’d like and I’ll answer them. There is no guideline for the type of questions you might ask, but if you try to stump me with something technical I’m just going to make something up a-la “ask dr. stupid” on ren & stinmpy. So let them inquizimitationaries fly!

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Top 5 Girls From the Wonder Years

Written by Zeromage 20 Comments
Last Updated:: April 18, 2008

The Wonder Years was full of amazing dialogues, and amazing actors. For the boys who watched these episodes in their young age though, all that really mattered were the girls in the show, the girls that Kevin would inevitably end up falling for. They represented all the different girls that they wanted to meet themselves growing up through their teenage years, from the girl next door, to the seemingly unattainable girl who digs you to your disbelief. All the swings of teenage romance were palpable in the Wonder Years, from a first kiss, to a first slap, to a first possibility of infidelity. It’s with this in mind that we rank the women of the Wonder Years, in hopes of bringing back the images of these women from a golden era who embodied the grace and class of a gender currently lost.

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Video Game Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time

Written by Zeromage No Comments
Last Updated:: April 17, 2008

In the early nineties, the only place to play Turtles in Time was in the plethora of bowling alleys spread across the nation, that is, until it was finally released on the SNES. The game stayed true to the arcade version, with its seemingly endless numbers of foot soldiers and those loveable mutated villains at the end of every stage. But playing this game as a kid, the coolest aspect was throwing your adversary to the TV screen. Genius. Game play starts at 3:00 in the morning in the Big Apple, where you battle atop a construction platform. You soon realize that pizzas are the only power up you have, and that only one box appears at a time, creating a every-man-for-himself race as you and your friend each attempt to stave off death by consuming the delicious Italian treat.

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Minesweeper…The Movie!

Written by Zeromage 1 Comment
Last Updated:: April 17, 2008
Classic Video Game Review: Super Mario Brothers (NES)

Written by Zeromage 3 Comments
Last Updated:: April 16, 2008

Super Mario, a character more recognizable than Mickey Mouse. What can we possibly say about this classic game that hasn’t already been said a thousand times before? It was one of the first, and quite possibly still the best video game out there. It went places no one else had ever been to, and for the time period the graphics were spectacular. Let’s face it, before this game came out all we had was Atari. Nintendo managed to bring us a game with sound, graphics and goombas.

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Top 10 Video Game Heroes of All Time

Written by Zeromage 76 Comments
Last Updated:: April 13, 2008

Remember the first time you played Zelda 1 and realized that you wanted to be the green clad hero that was walking about the flat screen? Remember the first time you loved a game because you wanted to be the protagonist with all their abilities that you would never have in real life? Old-Wizard remembers all of these moments as we constantly reflect on what our favorite video games are, and in this case, who are favourite video game heroes are. If this list seems retro in its choices, its not without reason, as games within the newer market fail to focus on the personal qualities embodied by one figure trying to save the world. This sense of grandeur and intrepidness led to some of the most memorable characters in the video gamer’s life. Protagonists in novels that the video gamer would read at school would always pale in comparison to the 8-bit characters they always had full control over. The characters in a video game always had much more nobler tasks than modernity’s insistence for leveling out heroism to anyone who feels entitled to their pride. The heroes on our list were always on the most aggrandized of adventures battling only the most nefarious of antagonists. Nowhere was their repose when faced with doom on a universal level. To these dreams of large adventures and magnanimous characteristics we owe the protagonists on this list. The video game world would be nothing without them.

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Video Game Review: Paper Mario

Written by Zeromage No Comments
Last Updated:: April 5, 2008

Paper Mario for the N64 is one of the more colourful games that comes to mind when thinking of video games. It looked conspicuously different from most games in 2D and 3D format. Paper Mario was the successor to Mario RPG for the SNES which was a definite success in its own right. The game play and 3D style reminded you a lot of the original Mario 64. Let’s not forget the graphics though. This game was a site to be seen. The clarity and effulgent style went a long way for making the player excited to play this game. The dialogue between players was sophisticated and fun at the same time. Obviously, a Mario RPG is not going to have the seriousness and command of a “Squaresoft” RPG, but it had its own identity and entertainment value in a world where plumbers are heroes, and princesses like men with giant mustaches. The story line takes place as an actual book with its own chapters, expedient to its “dreamy”, effervescent quality. The game play was smooth and easy to learn, a palpable characteristic with all Mario games. Paper Mario serves as an incredible sequel to Mario RPG. It’s additions from the SNES predecessor to this N64 installment lose nothing in terms of creativity and enviability. This is not something that can be said about most sequels in a video game series.

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Captain’s Log: 5 April 2008

Written by Zeromage No Comments
Last Updated:: April 5, 2008

Drank a few beers last night. Not too many, but enough. I think one of them was skunked because my inner gyroscope is fucked up. I keep falling to the left. My gammy leg probably isn’t helping that situation. Dude, speaking of which, what’s up with people that have two legs that are different lengths? How does that happen? Sounds like a communication error between the left and right brains. My top and bottom brains are having a communication problem. We can’t decide to stand up or fall over. Must sign up for hope. Can’t forget that.

So what about atrophied limbs on people? When someone has a bay arm and a man arm its fuckin scary. Probably all that McDonalds their parents ate. Nub limbs are creepy too. I’m not sure I could handle seeing a nub right now, let alone stroke one. They kind of remind me of alien tentacles, in a bizzaro way of course. I never said I was normal. I’m done with this. Time to do some work.