I’m not a member of P.E.T.A., nor do I have any plans to be. Just wanted to clear that up. So you’ve got a friend that you want to get with a good joke and a day or two of discomfort. If you don’t have any friends you’ve got to get one. This isn’t evil enough to pull on an enemy. First, have a friend that has their own pad. You’ve got to know this person well enough to have their schedule known to you. Know when their home and when they aren’t, sleeping, awake, bad, good; just like that stalker Santa.

Next, go to a pet store and get a canary.

That’s a canary for the visually challenged.

A parakeet will work, but they bite. They might try to make you buy a cage for the little avian bugger. Cheap and noisy is the key here. Get a cage somehow (tag sale, mom, nazi, etc) and get a bird. If that’s too hard on the wallet for you get some crickets for “your pet lizard”. I know you don’t own a lizard; a little fibbing is in order here. (I’m not inserting a cricket image. If you don’t know what they look like, this isn’t for you).

So when your friend isn’t home one day, infiltrate his/her apartment. If you do this in the summer, chances are the windows will be open so you can cut a hole in the screen. Next, free said critter in the apartment through said hole you cut in the screen. Now it’s liberated from being trapped in a cage. You did a good deed and if you believe in a God, that God may smile at your goodness.

Finding a bird in your house is pretty alarming, unless you have unbarred holes in your place of residence. Crickets are noisy as hell. I had some get loose in my house and it sucked. You start to go crazy listening to them chirp in your closet. So that’s it. Do a good deed. Free some birds. Play with your lizard. Kiss a fish. Cheers.