• Horoscope by Destructo

  

  Written by destructomaximo 5 Comments
  Last Updated:: May 25, 2008

  Scorpio:

  ‘Nough said.

  Sagittarius:
  
  You always want to make a difference in the world, as long as it benefits you in some way. The truth is, Sags are usually my best friends, but there is a lot of telling you to stop being a punk involved. Your goal is usually to breakdown every person you meet and rebuild them into little meat-robots that will do your bidding. This is incredibly fun to watch, but not very fun to be on the receiving end of. My suggestion, Sagittarius, is to find all of the undesirable people in your path, the ignorant, the rude, the crazy, and work your selfish magic on them so that they stop making the rest of us angry all of the time.

  Capricorn:
  
  You are all a bunch of over-achieving haters. None of the rest of us get it. You push your self constantly but you never seem to want the spotlight, you just climb to the top of that tree of whatever it is your doing and hide there waiting to pounce. What will you pounce on? Just a bigger tree. You don’t put people down, you don’t crush anyone on the way up the tree, you don’t care if people see how well you’re doing, you just quietly succeed in life, and the rest of the world wants to punch you for it. Dammit, for once be mean to someone or embarrass your self in a crowd so the rest of us can stop resenting you!

  Aquarius:
  
  Some people say that you hold the key to unlock life’s mysteries. I say those people are liars. I think all of you swim upstream every year to some secret meeting where you make up mysteries and then unleash them like SARS onto the unsuspecting world and then offer the preconceived solutions. Your dirty cult must be stopped! Today, Aquarian, your goal is to find some global question you don’t know the answer to, write it down, save it for your next evil fish meeting, then read it out loud and make me a video of all of the Aquarians heads exploding…but then you’d be the only one left and you would rule the world. Hmmmmm…forget that goal. Today Aquarian, your goal is to do nothing, accept your knowledge, and wait for change.

  Pisces:
  
  You are more of a split personality than the Geminarians. You are constantly heading in two directions at once, usually opposites. When I have a decision to make it’s usually between doing something important or opening up a bevie. Guinness usually wins, and then the Guinness leads to many other decisions, eat the hot pepper, have some sweet sweet whiskey, midnight nachos, starting a movie at 2 am on a work night, slinging fake dust to middle school kids, or joining erroneous political parties. I say today you lock yourself in a room and refuse to make any decisions at all. Don’t even decide to read this horoscope.

  Cancer:
  
  You get a bad rap. Not only is cancer a disease, but you’re also a crab. Today I’d like for you to not dwell too much on the fact that the stars handed you this disease-double-whammy. cancers are typically reserved in groups, but have intense personalities beneath that surface. That intensity is a lot like the force, it can pull you towards being compassionate and awesome like yoda, or an evil dirtbag jabba the hutt type. I suggest you don’t mess with extremes at all. Let the light side drive your interractions with people and your dark side take the wheel with your weekend intakes. find the balance between angel and devil. A wise man once said: “f__k it, lets get drunk.” That wise man might have been me, cancer, but I suggest you follow my advice anyhow.

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5 Comments

1. #1 gnome says:
   March 16th, 2010 at 10:32 am

   Brilliant!
2. #2 Master Barker says:
   March 16th, 2010 at 12:25 pm

   I am a cancer……I shall bark loud+proud….feel my rage amongst the stars…it’s like white matter at the event horizion…or something like that…please tell all that I have been on a walkabout…sorry for my absents…I just got the legal right to use my computer again..don’t ask…love the site…great to be back barking…nuff said
3. #3 zodiaclove says:
   March 16th, 2010 at 4:08 pm

   hi
   I can not agree with what you said really….
   please explain in detail a bit more for me ;D

   thanks
4. #4 zodiaclove says:
   March 16th, 2010 at 10:21 pm

   yo
   I do not agree with what you wrote really….
   please ellaberate a bit more for me :d

   cheers