• Horoscope by Destructo

  

  Written by destructomaximo 5 Comments
  Last Updated:: May 25, 2008

  Aries:
  
  That’s crazy, Aries! You sound like air but you’re a fire sign, CRAZY! You’re also a sheep but you were born to lead, THAT’S CRAZY TOO! In fact, just about everything about you is crazy. If I were you I would lead parades, because you get to twirl that sparkle stick and wear the British police hat, and that’s CRAZY! You know what parade I like? The Saint Patrick’s Day parade. One time I was there with my grandfather and he gave me a dollar to buy a balloon on a stick, but they cost way more than a dollar, right? So I bought those poppers that are like tissues with gun powder in them and threw them at the firemen and horses. One of the fire men had to have a talk with my grandpa and then we had to leave the parade, but I got to go have corned beef and cabbage in a room filled with guns because my gramps was in the war. That was crazy, JUST LIKE YOU ARIES! So take my advice and don’t go throwing stuff at horses or you’ll end up watching my gramps get krunk in the basement of the armory.

  Taurus:
  
  Know what’s funny about Taurus’s? They like to chase red things, because they’re bulls. I think it’s fun to hang out with them because they’re always chasing after red balloons, fire trucks, and chipmunks. Hey Taurus, do you remember the game Red Rover? It was banned from most schools when I was a kid. I’d bet you’d be good at that game because you’re a bull, and you had to run head first into people. But since you don’t typically like crowds or people, and you love that money, you should be the commissioner of a national red rover association and just chill in some red office collecting that dough and watching the little kids on the teams hurt themselves. I wish I was a Taurus…

  Gemini:
  
  Your planet is Mercury, and mercury is in thermometers. People use thermometers when they’re sick to see if they’re hot. Mercury is also the hottest planet in the solar system. Everything about Gemini says heat. You’re also known for intense mental energy, and intense energy is really just heat. You are so hot you had to be split into two people so one of you didn’t just burn up. Next time you don’t feel well and someone offers to take your temperature, just say “I DON’T WANT NO PART OF YOUR TIREDASS THERMOMETER, I’M A GEMINI, I’M HOT AS HELL BIOTCH!” Then punch them square in their lip for trying to stick that nasty old ice cold thermometer up there. They should make a thermometer that gets your temperature from your mouth, that would be way more comfortable.

  Leo:
  
  Leo, you’re fun to mess with. When you tell people things and they giggle it’s not because you’re funny, but in their head they keep saying “Stop, Lion.” They say that in their head because it sounds like “stop lying” and you’re a lion, get it? So what if it’s not a funny joke? I don’t care, punk. Here’s a horoscope, watch your back…

  Virgo:

  You should not be so ashamed of your self. Be proud of who you are. I know not everyone can be a Scorpio, but if you’re going to try, at least give it your all. Your symbol looks like the Scorpio symbol is trying to cover up its no-no spots. I think you get a bad rap. Today, Virgo, be proud of your self. Stop letting all of those people you work with who say your shoes are out of style and you need to re-dye that hair and get a new car say those nasty things about you. If I were you I’d go tell that dude down the hall a thing or two about his busted face and then throw some coffee at him. He said your momma. I heard him. Go, Virgo. Go now and avenge your daddy’s baby-mamma’s pride.

  Libra:
  
  You are all about love. That’s wonderful Libra, I think love is great. The thing is, Libra means freedom and the kind of love you’re always drawn to is very co-dependant. I say today you put a nice heavy rock on the scale you sit on to keep it balanced while you do whatever the heck you want to do. Go get yourself a big old bag of Now-or-Later’s and eat the whole thing. Climb a tree and throw pennies and people that walk by. Learn a new language and cuss someone out who only speaks English. It’s your day.

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5 Comments

1. #1 gnome says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 10:32 am

   Brilliant!
2. #2 Master Barker says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 12:25 pm

   I am a cancer……I shall bark loud+proud….feel my rage amongst the stars…it’s like white matter at the event horizion…or something like that…please tell all that I have been on a walkabout…sorry for my absents…I just got the legal right to use my computer again..don’t ask…love the site…great to be back barking…nuff said
3. #3 zodiaclove says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 4:08 pm

   hi
   I can not agree with what you said really….
   please explain in detail a bit more for me ;D

   thanks
4. #4 zodiaclove says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 10:21 pm

   yo
   I do not agree with what you wrote really….
   please ellaberate a bit more for me :d

   cheers