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Top 10 Swedish Songs of All Time

Zeromage — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 17:05:26 +0000

As readers of OW know, we hold Swedish music in high regard, almost as highly as British music, which means to say far above Bob Dylan. In this list we will spread the love to the Swedes for all the amazing music we’ve been able to enjoy at their behest. Their natural inclination for the groove and pop production has made some of the most memorable music in the 2nd half of the 20th century. These next songs are all songs that could easily be #1 singles in any country. For various reasons though, they are rarely ever heard except for the non-disingenuous music listener who actually listens with their ears, hips and unconscious mind, rather than their conscious mind. There’s no overabundance of ideas in these songs, just undeniable songwriting.

10. The Radio Dept. – “The Worst Taste in Music”

The Radio Dept. made a classic song in “The Worst Taste in Music” which would have to be the case when you had a title that amazing. I mean, this title is something that OW naturally thinks up when writing for the site. This song is sleek, floaty, and lyrically penetrating. This song can be played in a club or for the bedsitters in everyone. It’s always moving though. It’s never obsessed with dynamics. It’s underlying rhythm never stops and is a key to representing the irreducible qualities of Swedish pop music. You could do many things when listening to this song; the best one though is enjoying a song while hearing “He’s got the worst taste in Music”.

9. The Cardigans – “Hanging Around”

The Cardigans had a couple hits that transcended their own country but their best work was never heard, as with many bands from different countries who people only hear a couple songs from. “Hanging Around” is filled with sugary vocals from Nina Persson who sounds tight and compliant in the verse but slightly discombobulated in the chorus. Regardless of her frantic mood, there was a heavy electronic beat that anchored the song and gave the song it’s bleak quality that never sacrificed a strong sense of melody and a beat that would only stop for when it was called for some precise hip action. Here we have a vocal delivery that could be disgruntled but a musical production that could be clean and crisp, a hallmark of Swedish music.

8. Mando Diao- “Down in the Past”

Mando Diao owned garage rock going into the new millennium, but no one got to hear their catalogue of excellent pop/rock. “Down in the Past” rocks but it doesn’t rock too hard, making sure that the chorus is heard by everyone who is listening. The space for the vocals in the verse is perfect to get across a raw voice that is just as sweet sounding as it’s rough. The chorus plays a progression that works the minor and major changes in perfect time to lead the listener into not forgetting the song after one or two listens. The beat is hard and easy to dance to. No matter if it’s rock, jazz, or pop, all the music in Sweden will never not groove.

7. Air France – “No Excuses”

Air France took the best moments of The Avalanches Since I Left You and made an incredible mix of songs on No Way Down. The hallmark of these songs was “No Excuses” which could liven up any party at the first bar of the song. This song was house chill, beet-root, and everything that makes Swedish music great. Air France’s House tendencies fit perfect with it’s native countries incessant love for the beat. Air France took the beat though and took away any hints of a cloudy quality to it. They made music that everyone had to enjoy. When you listen to “No Excuses”, you’re ready for the end of the world because you’ve already heard music at one of its finest moments. You really don’t need to hear anything else after it.

6. Kent – “FF”

Kent got Abba down cold. Every one of their songs has to be packed with a smashing rhythm, almost disco-like rhythms without sounding too tacky, but even if they do it still sounds good. Hanging around that line between goodness and guilty pleasure, Kent master this tightrope walk in “FF” with a dark essence carrying the song from pure groove to an evanescent chorus. This song gets you hooked immediately. Kent is good at this. They may be the best pop group in the 90’s from Sweden. One could easily put “Parlor” or “Sundance Kid” on this list, but we had to choose one and “FF” stood out for representing everything that makes Kent such pop perfectionists and a perfect example of Sweden’s incredible grasp of the superlative genre.

5. Jens Leckman – “You are the Light”

Jens Leckman is a singer’s singer. He can croon with the best of them and sometimes sounds so much like Scott Walker you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference if it wasn’t for the modern production that envelopes a Leckman production. “You are the Light” is an astonishing song with an astonishing chorus. This is the type of song that goes #1 in every country in the world. It’s big sounding without ever losing the sense of it’s own grounding. It’s got all the externals that make Swedish music so great. Handclaps, a bassline compressed high in the mix, and a Mo-Townesque rhythm that would have thrown anyone onto the dance floor. And of course there are all those grand sweeping strings in the chorus with a melody that knows how to push and pull the natural instincts for hearing what makes a memorable song so memorable. Leckman is one of the best and this song is great beyond its years and the artist’s relatively young age.

4. Dungen – “Det Tar Tid”

This song is so smooth that it had to come for a Swede. It had to come from the pop sensibilities of a pop musician. Dungen who are usually known for their overly psychedelic impulses hit their native pop stride on their album 4. “Det Tar Tid” was clearly the most single worthy song out of the whole pack. A perfect build up into a sparkling chorus, this song would be stuck in your head for months even without knowing a word of Swedish. You would be singing the lyrics to the chorus making up your own lyrics by how addictive this song is to listen to. One can only hope that they keep delivering choruses this good and stay away from their sometimes self-indulgent jammy proclivities.

3. Abba – “Voulez Vous”

You could make this list an entire list of Abba songs and it would be justified, but to give all the other great bands from Sweden their due, we could only choose one from Abba. Voulez Vous was the choice because it exemplifies everything great in about a pop song; hammering dance beat that ABC would ape on Lexicon of Love, perfect vocals from some of the best pop female vocalists of the late 20th century, and a chorus that was absolutely undeniable. Cue in the handclaps, sharp staccato horns, and a melody that will never be forgotten and you have one of the greatest pop songs of all time, let along Swedish songs. This chorus shifts and hammers at will as if it knows exactly what the listener wants and is going to dominate it with it’s memorability. A perfect song to represent what’s great about Swedish Music.

2. Soundtrack of our Lives- “Infra Riot”

Who the fuck is ready to go to war? “Infra Riot” is a song you go to battle to whether it be a backyard football game or fighting some indie clown on the streets of some lame ass city. This song is rock in the best sense of the term when the term has always been on it’s way towards losing it’s spirit. Soundtrack of our Lives have their fists up with this song wanting to make a sound bigger than any of their rijpma contemporaries. The bass drum is smashing throughout the whole song and the mix is compressed to hell like all good Sweedish music. Fuck all these soft ass dynamics. Get out on the field and take it to all comers.

1. The Caesars – “Candy Kane”

Absolute pop perfection. The Caesars nail this down with almost every song they create but none more so than “Candy Kane”. This shit’s like Neil Diamond for the 21st century spruced up with some sweet overdrive and vocals with loads of delay on them. The chorus is as catchy as they come. When you hear it once you would think this would be a hit around the world; and it would be if people had their heads out of their asses, or if it was the 70’s again and Abba was ripping shit up with their pop sensibilities. There’s no room for good music like this anymore because people like to listen to music that’s bad on purpose out of fear of finding their internal harmony that is the sound of this song.

Related Posts: Top 5 Musical Countries

Ten Ways to Tell You’re Not as Smart as You Think You Are

Zeromage — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 22:20:27 +0000

Here at OW there is nothing more conspicuous to us than the pseudo-intellectual. These goof troops have a sense of authority and pretension that comes from nowhere. Somewhere along the line these sycophants gained a sense of self so aggrandized that they felt they could talk about anything they had no idea about. Is it a sense of entitlement from poor parenting? Is it a rebellion against being a loser all during your high school life? Does this pseudo-intellectual supplement give you an anchor to your existence? Don’t you know you’re a fucking moron? Do everyone a favor and stop talking about yourself and appearing in a state of despair to everyone around you. You’re fucking boring.

10. You live in the city for the sake of living in the city

What does the dumbass who thinks they’re smart do? They usually live in the city so they can be around a load of people who are “different”. They think they gain experience by walking by a clown who just bought some shitty ass looking faded jeans from Urban Outfitters. These city freaks spend more time shopping for bad looking clothes than doing anything to improve themselves. When they’re not shopping for ugly clothes, they are out and about in the city walking by people just like them who are this into themselves. Let OW clue you in on something…because you have an incessant need to appear different among other waffles with the same compulsive need doesn’t make you smart, it makes you a narcissistic animal.

9. You call yourself an artist or a musician…but first hesitate for 3 seconds before you say it.

These are fun people. You ask them what they do and they can’t tell you about their real source of income, nor can they come out clean and say “I play Music”, or “I make Art”. They slink into a pretentiously modest disposition and say they’re an artist or musician quietly enough to the point where you don’t even hear what they’re fucking saying, so you have to ask them again. If you have to ask them again, don’t talk to them ever again. These people are so into themselves that they have to appear mysterious about their trade to make sure their banal enigma catches your interest. If someone is trying to catch your interest, you can be sure they’re not interesting.

8. You get your news from msn.com

First off, you make a point to look at news every day without actually reading any of the articles. You just check the headlines to get a general idea of what’s going on. This gives you a sense of being in the know which you have to have when trying to appear smart when you’re not. MSN.com dominates in this category. They love to give soft news lacking in substance and high on making the themes as weak as possible to make themselves understood by everyone. Pictures abound, categories to the side abound about ways to tell if you’re in love or not. Everything to take you away from really thinking abounds on this website but gives you a sense that you actually are thinking. One day you will just admit that you’re an intellectual rodent who’s just as lazy as you are thick.

7. You like indie music

Yes! Indie music again. How many times can OW bash this shitty genre of music? I don’t even know what the count is but it will probably be listed 100 times by the end of the year. You know how the argument goes. You listen to shit music because no one else knows about it. It sounds like shit, you don’t know it sounds like shit because you’re an identity whore. You tell everyone you know about this shit band and try to get them to like the shit, and if they’re as dumb as you, they will probably like it too, and then you and a bunch of your dumb friends can listen to this dumb band and say afterwards how good this bad music was, and then you can go to bed never knowing that it’s people like you who’s lowered the IQ of the subjective universe down a good 20 points.

6. You’re always in a state of despair

First off, you always refer to your current state of being as an “existential crisis”. Run from these people as far as you can. They love their despair. It brings them attention from people who they want to feel sorry for them so badly. These people have no inner strength, no sense of transcendence, just a sense that if they don’t garner attention from the most meekest of sources, they will lose all their will to live. Of course they don’t want you to know that though. They want you to know that the most trivial shit bothers them but will convey that it’s not trivial to them. To be sure, they come from solid homes and lots of money. They just have nothing to do, except fool you into thinking they’re smart and important by appearing troubled.

5. You read Kafka’s “Metamorphosis” and tell everyone about it after

Everyone loves saying “Kafka”. Everyone loves how mysterious he looked smoking that douche baggy small ass cigarette. He’s a good author though, but you’re probably a bad reader. Just to make sure that you were a bad reader though, there is conspicuous evidence in the fact that you tell everyone that you read “Metamorphosis” and tell everyone how amazing it was. You can’t explain one snippet of the fucking book. When you explain it to someone, you repeat the title of the book over and over with a look in your eye as if it’s the most serious shit in the world. This means of conveyance by the look of the eye is an emotional stretch, not an intelligent gesture. You skimmed the book, read a couple passages you forgot and then went to tell your friends about it. Basically, you pretended to read the book just so you could tell your friends you read it.

4. You’re consciously soft spoken

Speak up dipshit! No one can hear you. You know why no one can hear you? Because your love for identity masturbation makes you need everyone to ask you again to speak up. By asking you again, then you gain an upper hand in the conversation because someone is going out of their way to try to get to know what the fuck you’re saying. They really want to know about you in your mind, but the person asking the question is just probably just curious about something. To this soft spoken identity crockle though everything has to do with being interested in them. Anything independent of the personality does not exist for them. All that matters is that they appear intelligent by speaking softly as if what they have to convey is some secret. There’s only one secret here, you haven’t admitted to yourself that you’re grotesquely average.

3. You bitch about the United States

Break out your Noam Chomsky books you have shelved on your bookcase to show the opposite sex your interest in things you’re not really interested in! Look in scorn whenever someone mentions “The United States”. This one term has become the universal signifier to what is in need of being opposed to. Do you know why? You have no fucking clue! Platitudes about “unjust wars” and the “evils of capitalism” come out of these idiots’ mouths with the most vague meanings imaginable. Press them a little further and they will crumble. They never spent time deconstructing themselves, so how the fuck do they think they can deconstruct a modern state? They just give themselves the luxury of doing this because they’ve been given everything their whole lives, by the same modern state that they perennially bitch about.

2. Half of your clothes are from thrift stores

The consciously awkward looking stork always wears ugly looking clothes from thrift stores to appear intelligent, but as was stated before, ones sense of looking shitty because it looks different doesn’t make you smart, it just makes you an asshole. All those old DARE shirts you wear and the threadbare jeans that you picked up from those smelly rat holes give you a sense of self because you’re too lazy to really explore yourself. This isn’t intelligence, it’s laziness. Dressing like shit to appear intelligent makes you look like an idiot. Of course you don’t look like an idiot to other people who are thrift store junkies, but who cares about them? Oh yeah, you do. You care about looking like shit to each other. Not counter-intuitive…just really fucking dumb.

1. You don’t like Old-Wizard

For all of you who voted in the last poll on whether you like Old-Wizard or not, this is a tell-tale sign to tell if you’re not as smart as you think you are. If you clicked on the disparaging vote towards Old-Wizard then you’re not smart because you don’t like the milieu of quality articles on Old-Wizard that discuss everything from the depths of philosophy, to the depths of the original Mario Brothers for the NES with the top Pipes that are upwardly contorted. You don’t like strong opinions because it gets in the way of your meek identity that likes to accept everything no matter how shit it is. Your politically correct nature doesn’t allow you to take shit with a grain of salt. Everything has to mean something to you, and in turn, you have no sense of irony. Old-Wizard’s not for you. Go listen to and read that motivational speaker with the big ass white beard who’s always smiling on the front of his mawkish CD’s.

Top 10 Most Overrated Guitarists of All Time

Zeromage — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 03:05:30 +0000

This list is just too easy. With how many people praise shitty guitarists, this list had to be made. OW is attacking specific guitarists in this list. First are guitar wankers who just go 100 miles an hour on the guitar trying to supplement their lack of phallic size. Second are boring ass blues men who would never not stop making this God damn boring shit. How the fuck could anyone not get bored of playing blues scales all their life? How the fuck could they not get bored of themselves? Other than this there’s just some purely overrated guitarists. This list could be a top 50 easily, and may be in the future. For now, it’s time to bury some of these overrated suckers into being appreciated by no one except old people who work at Guitar Center.

10. Kurt Cobain

Power chord mania. It wasn’t Cobain’s fault that he was overrated as a guitarist though. It was because of all his pathetic fans that he took his life, because they made him overrated. He probably knew he sucked and wasn’t trying to do anything great. Cobain was much more of a songwriter, and a fairly decent one at that, but as a guitarist? Sure there was anger in his playing but there was no grace and no restraint. He should not be known as a great guitarist and anyone who says he is, is looking at the fact that they like the suicidal individual rather than any great guitar work.

9. Carlos Santana

This dude is so damn boring. His tone sucks ass, his playing is so generic that it’s conspicuous with everything else on the radio, and this is supposed to be from one of the greatest guitarist of all time. Take out Black Magic Woman (which is a massively overrated song) and you’ve got nothing. His work with artists of this age like the meta-banal Rob Thomas is so grotesquely mainstream and average that it implores you to stop listening to the radio all together. Oh yeah, he worked with Nickelback. That is really all that was needed to be said.

8. Tom Morello

Wah-Wah mania. Tom Morello is looked at by generation X as THE guitarist because of Rage Against the Machine’s rebellious attitude, but this dude only mastered the Wah pedel. His playing was average and he had no sense of melody in his playing. He was a punk-thrasher that liked to make noise and appear intellectual with his average guitar playing. Beyond 2 of their most popular songs Tom Morello never had any memorable riffs. Sure it sounded good before a football game in the locker room getting warmed up, but for any transcendence? This is not the guy you look to.

7. Stevie Ray Vaughan

There’s seriously a million reasons why Stevie Ray Vaughan sucks. He’s a basic bluesman who never derives off this boring ass genre. If you went down to any random bar in Texas and heard some blues band, you would find a guitarist who plays as well as him, maybe better. His “songs” are as trivial as they get. His endearing quality must be the fact that when he wanks he looks up into to the air as if he’s reaching some transcendental peak. Even with this, the guy looks like he never plays with any emotion. Watch any Youtube clip and the guy is just a white bluesman. I have no idea why this guy gets any credit for anything.

6. Steve Vai

Steve Vai is pure power chord mania. And who the hell wants to shred using power chords anyways? It sounds like ass, almost as bad as shredding on single notes. When you’re brought up learning from Joe Satriani, you know you’re going to be an overrated guitarist who thinks that shredding behind massive walls of overdrive and distortion makes you a good guitarist. To think that there are actual polls and forums comparing him to Hendrix is unreal. The only people who appreciate Steve Vai are people who work at Guitar Center and are obsessed with hyper-masculine guitar playing.

5. B.B. King

Does this dude always look like he’s on Ecstasy, or does he always get laid before he plays? Whatever it is, he is way too satisfied in what he’s playing. Over 50 years the guy has not changed his style at all. He plays the same fuckin’ thing over and over and people still pretend to like it because it is “B.B. King”. Listen, you can make 1 record with your 12 bar blues, but not 2, and certain not the shitload of boring albums he made. While we here at OW appreciate those who understand that the timeless and inherent grace of music is something to stick with, it has it’s limits. It’s limits are certainly the basic blues that B.B King plays.

4. John Mayer

This goofball is more concerned about living the Hollywood life with average looking actresses than doing something great with the guitar. As a blues acolyte, he was always going to be a boring player. John Mayer was much more of a boring popular songwriter than a derivative blues player though. This doesn’t stop him from wanking on this derivative style at the end of half the songs he plays live. When you don’t have your own style you have to supplement your popularity by appearing on tabloid magazines all the time.

3. Joe Satriani

This dude can do one thing and one thing only; solo. His solos are all superfluous though. There is no heart and soul behind any of his wanking. He works within 3 chords of 1 key and just rambles notes all over these chords. This stuff isn’t even technically great. It’s just him going at a high speed playing within massive limitations. Also, why does his wankery have to always sound so epic? This dude seriously has no taste. For him to have the audacity to accuse Coldplay of ripping him off is nauseating. He hasn’t even written 1 song in his life!

2. Eric Clapton

If blues wasn’t already boring in the first place, how boring do you think White Man’s blues could be? If you want to hear how boring it could be listen to Eric Clapton. Holy shit, this will put you to sleep. Whatever the song, it is some of the most obvious blues guitar work ever put to record. It didn’t help that his voice was average as hell too. Clapton is one big mess of averageness who masquerades as something to be glorified. His lyrics suck, his songs suck, and his guitar playing is soporific. Pass me down to the original blues men who were boring but not this hackneyed.

1. Zakk Wylde

Can Zakk Wylde be known for anything else besides that fucking pinch harmonic he does 40 times in every single fuckin’ “song” he waffles on? Besides this, he’s an average metal guitarist. Seriously, if it wasn’t for all the hype that Ozzy Osborne gave him, would he even be recognized today? With a guitarist like Zakk Wylde it’s impossible to find any memorable guitar lines or “songs”. All you do is sit back and watch him wank like every other metal guitarist who doesn’t have their own style and who do pinch harmonics at the end of every motherfucking phrase. The new Tony Iommi? Please….

Top 10 Worst Types of Football Fans

Zeromage — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 03:07:08 +0000

Football fans can be an odd bunch. They can be your favorite people in the world or they can be people you can get into actual blows with, depending on which team they like, and how they like them. There are fans of teams you don’t like but nonetheless respect because you can talk football with them objectively, and then there are other morons who feel the need to shove their team down your face even if they didn’t make the playoffs, and will talk about how good their team will be next year. There’s also the fickle football fans who don’t really like football but pretend to because it’s America’s new past time. It’s time to take down the wrong football fans with this 80 yard completion of an article.

10. People who only watch the Superbowl

Of course these people aren’t fans of football, they’re probably not fans of anything except whatever social protocol tells them to do on a certain day. The worst though is when these morons try to wear a jersey of a team on Superbowl. They actually go out and buy a jersey before the Superbowl knowing nothing about the team except for the fact that the color strikes them a certain way, or they saw an interview with the quarterback a week before the game and liked his humility or some dumb character aspect about him and decided to like this team on this one day and forget about them forever until the next Superbowl where they decide to like a team just because it’s a Superbowl. Shit, if it’s all that Nacho Dip you’re after, just go eat like the pig you are and stop pretending to care about something you couldn’t give a shit about.

9. People who find it necessary to eat bad food when watching football

What the hell is with this culture? What is it about football that makes people want to eat food that makes you go to the bathroom every second? Don’t you want to watch the game at all? Is it the alcohol that one drinks during a game that makes them hungry? I don’t think this is the case. People feel there’s a God given right to eat like assholes when watching a football game. What is it in watching people who are hitting each other that induces one to eat hot dogs, burgers, and wings? And not only to eat junk food, but to get excited about the fact that they’re eating junk food? Some people can’t watch again unless they have food that’s going to make them run to the toilet after, which they think is a good thing. Is this hyper-masculinity supposed to make some women attracted? If it does, then you’re attracting an idiot.

8. People who wear pink football jerseys

When you see someone wearing a pink football jersey you can be sure she has no idea about football and has no idea who’s on the team they’re wearing, and maybe even the team that they’re wearing! Of course this one is directed at a certain sex and is misogynistic. For all the girls out there who want to impress their male counterparts, stop pretending to like a team by wearing these stupid ass things. If you could just try to know one player on the team I like, that would be awesome. And the next time they play, if you could know that player off the top of your head without me having to say it, that would be really cool. I would really like you then. Then after that, just hand me over that pink jersey so I can burn it with the most ebullient laugh I’ve had all year.

7. Steelers Fans

Steelers are the “Industrial” fans, and by that I don’t mean Industrial Music, I mean they think they’re from fucking mining towns! Yes, we all know Pittsburg is so fucking working class, just like Buffalo is, but Pittsburg has the feeling of a guy with a mustache working in some crusty industrial plant creating something that is absolutely representative of Americana. This idea gives Steelers fans the feeling of being hard. Whenever you come across Steelers fans, just know that they think they’re tough because they’re wearing their Steelers apparel. It’s a material signifier for the fact that they’re really fat loafs who have below-average looking girlfriends. Another thing, supposedly the Steelers have “fans” all over the place but why all the empty seats at Heinz Field year after year?

6. People who have to ask who their team is playing on game day

Just stop watching football for God’s sake, and please stop saying that you even “have a team” you like. If you find out who “your team” is playing just before the start of the game, you don’t really like this shit except for the fact of making bad banter with your Dilbert looking colleague at your boring job the next day. All it is, is something to say. If you don’t know who “your team” is playing a week in advance, you don’t really have “a team”, but a need to be part of something you know nothing about. You like someone at the office and want to appear that you like what they like but in a different way by liking a different team than them. It’s probably some girl who pretends to like the Cowboys. Two people talking about football with no idea what it’s about. “My team won, your team lost”; office banter at it’s worst.

5. Oakland Raiders Fans

Another tough guy crowd. Okay, we get it. You’re fat as hell, you eat lots of hot dogs in front of cameras, and drink really shitty bear because some advertisement unconsciously got into your head that says fat guys can get beautiful women by drinking shit bear. You paint yourself in silver and black as a new age pirate showing how tough you and your team really are. You get your ass beat almost every year now and your stadium is full of rowdy people who are getting their ass beat in life every year by their weight problem. Oh yeah, and you have a GM who has a penchant for picking the worst players in the first round out of every GM in the history in the NFL. Darrius Heyward-Bey in the first round? Are you kidding me? Just because he ran a 4’4 at the combine?

4. Philadelphia Eagles fans

The Eagles just can’t get it done. Go to the Superbowl and your franchise QB is puking on the final drive of the game, go to play the lowly Cowboys and get your ass beat every time, making it an official sweep for the season, and go to the NFC championship and get beat down by the moderately talented Cardinals. Still, Donovan Mcnugget to you is the best quarterback in the league regardless of the fact that he gets benched and throws interceptions like Brett Farve on his worst day. Much like the Cowboys, every year is the year that the Eagles are going to face no challenge and destroy everyone in the league somehow with an aging quarterback and a running back on the edge of retirement. With one really solid receiver, hang your hat on that rather than all the spectacular members of the team who are really average.

3. Who dat nation

Congratulations all you “Saints” fans, you have become irritating as fuck by sounding dumb as fuck. Your Who Dat nation has become the ugliest sounding statement in all of sports. When “Saints” fans say this shit, they sound like 3 year olds playing GI Joe with another 3 year old. Nowhere will you get substance from these “Saints” fans except for the fact that Drew Brees is the Saints quarterback and “Reggie Bush had a good game” even though he probably didn’t because he only has 1 good game a year. You know 2 players on your team and the rest of the time go about spouting this retarded meaningless phrase. You were not undefeated, you won a Superbowl, and real Saints fans and the Saints should be proud of it. You, on the other hand, should go back to grade school and learn that enthusiasm doesn’t have to entail sounding like an idiot.

2. Cowboys fans who aren’t from Texas

America’s team? How about a team that keeps choking in the playoffs? A fan of “America’s team” outside of Texas? How about you wish you were from Texas and were as rowdy as a Texan who wasn’t from fucking Dallas. One thing about Dallas fans, they can’t just wear a t-shirt or sweater with the Cowboys name on it, but have to wear a jersey of someone. What is this all about? And why is that any girl you see wearing a football jersey is wearing a Cowboys jersey? Is it not possible for a girl to like any other team besides the Cowboys? Do girls just like the word “Cowboy” and pick that as their team? Every year you and Jerry Jones have a team built to win the superbowl but make the playoffs 1 in every 4 years and lose in the first playoff game you play. Get to an NFC East championship before you keep saying you have a team built for the Superbowl.

1. Jets Fans

New York belongs to one football team, The Giants. It always has and always will. The Jets have had some history with a great quarterback and mild success here and there but when their fans and fat coach say that they’re the new show in town and that they own the new stadium built this year, you know they are going to get their ass beat next year by teams. It doesn’t matter how good fatso or the fans think their defense will be (even though it‘s really average outside the cornerback position). That ugly color green is always a stain in the AFC. It’s a stain of mediocrity, and never having a good quarterback. Who else is sick of this “I waited 40 years for this” fan who must let everyone know how much they suffered being a Jets fan because they suck and don’t win Superbowls? Try speaking quietly and carrying a big stick…and hiring a coach under 500 pounds.

Top 10 Quarterbacks of All Time

Zeromage — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 01:13:20 +0000

Old-Wizard is at it again, changing it’s direction as quickly as it changes which retro video game we want to play at night. This list will highlight the premiere quarterbacks of all time. These next QB’s changed the game and had stats to back it up. Beyond the stats though, championships are a vital part of this list. We all know about Marino. Just one championship would have probably upped his place by 5 numbers. As Ron Harper of the 90’s Chicago Bulls said “It don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got the ring”. Ron Harper was not just talking about his best record Chicago Bulls either, he was talking about anyone wanting to immortalize themselves in their respective sports lore. The QB’s who changed the game with the best stats and most championships were considered here. Here then is OW’s top 10 QB’s of all time.

10. Fran Tarkenton

Tarkenton was a bruiser. Watching him play QB was utterly fascinating. It would be third and short and this guy would heave the ball up 50 yards on a border-line hail mary play and half the time complete it and the other half be intercepted. He challenged defenses like they had never been challenged before because his style of play was so erratic. Tarkenton won a boat load of playoffs but never a Superbowl, which has to put him at the bottom of this list. He’s currently 5th in all time wins by any quarterback so it’s safe to say that he knew how to win. When on the Vikings and the Giants though, he was always playing with some of the best defenses in the league which made him not worry about being whimsical with the ball sometimes. Watch this guy play the position and it’s pure entertainment.

9. John Elway

John Elway is probably the toughest quarterback of any modern quarterback to come into the league. He had perfect mechanics and a desire unseen by most quarterbacks today. Watching him run was funny, but when the game was on the line, he would lay out his entire body for the extra yard which would inevitably lead to his two Superbowl wins. Although he played barely average in the Superbowls he was in, he always brought the Broncos to the Superbowl and earned himself his first ring with one of the most gutsiest performances of all time. Look for him with the game on the line and with regular season stats. With this in mind his legacy is solidified.

8. Terry Bradshaw

Bradshaw was the first John Elway of the NFL. He was a horse who took hit after hit. He was probably used to it going against the steel curtain defense the Steelers had in the 70’s. It took awhile for Bradshaw to adjust to the pro game going through many personal problems, but when he did, he played with the heart you want the leader of your team to play with. One of the most memorable throws ever came with his 70 yard heave to Lynn Swann to beat the Cowboys a he was being leveled by Larry Cole leading to one of many concussions that Bradshaw would face. Regardless of the concussion, he kept having even more successful years throwing for 28 tds and becoming the MVP in 1978. Terry Bradshaw may possibly be the toughest QB to ever play the game and deserves to be on this list for that reason.

7. Brett Farve

If it wasn’t for all those interceptions, Farve would probably secure a higher place for himself in this list. Regardless of the interceptions though, he was a quarterback with a love for the game like no one else. That he played this well this year for a new team at the age of 40 is remarkable. That he was able to lead his team to the NFC championship and barely lose in overtime was also remarkable. He’s a classic gunslinger. He would throw the ball so hard that new receivers would have to take time away from practice with someone throwing balls at their hands as hard as they possibly could. It’s hard to think of a QB with more zip on the ball than Farve. With one Superbowl and 442 touchdowns, Farve will be on the top 10 list of QB’s for at least another 50 years.

6. Dan Marino

Marino was a numbers king without a championship. 420 touchdowns with 252 interceptions and an 86.4 QB rating, he was statically the Quarterback of the NFL. If only he 1 ring, he would have risen greatly on this list. It’s hard to blame him for this though, with him always throwing massive games with weak defenses who couldn’t even keep up with Marino’s frantic pace of tearing up defenses. As it’s said, one man never wins a game. Marino never had the greatest teams to play with. He made the Superbowl once and was beat because of this. When one thinks of pure numbers though, Marino is the first QB that will always come to mind.

5. Steve Young

You can’t leave Steve Young off this list just because he was always going to be in the shadow of the 49’ers best quarterback, Joe Montana. This guy was an incredible quarterback who put up outrageous numbers. He put up better numbers than Montana actually, and won three Superbowls! You could argue that he was better than Montana but you have to consider the fact that he was under the tutelage of Montana for all those years. The impact of watching Montana certainly had it’s effect on Steve Young. Beyond the stats and rings though was Steve Young’s scrambling ability. He was arguably the best scrambling quarterback of all time. Watching him find his way out of tackles and dodge linebackers screaming into the backfield was miraculous. He was nimble with perfect accuracy. It’s unbelievable that he is often forgotten on any best of quarterback list.

4. Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning is probably the best pure quarterback of all time. If only he didn’t throw that interception in this year’s Superbowl he would be #2 on this list, but that INT was paramount regardless if the Saints DB guessed on the play (according to Reggie Wayne). Forgetting about that one interception though, you have the best pure QB of all time. What does this mean? It means that he’s not a gunslinger nor a system quarterback. He’s someone who reads defenses better than any quarterback who every played the game. Watching him at the line is like watching a magic show. He almost looks insane the way he calls out defenses so easily. His posture is perfect and his mechanics are flawless. He rarely makes errors. He throws with dead-on accuracy. If he won this year’s Superbowl, and then got 1 more ring, he would have taken the #1 spot on this list.

3. Johnny Unitas

Johnny U. For a long time he was the best quarterback of all time, but time had its way and found a couple others ahead of him. Unitas didn’t have staggering numbers, but had all the intangibles necessary to be a great quarterback. He had a load of rushing yards showing his toughness. While his stats and Superbowl rings were just sufficient for this list, his real worth came in how he changed the game. Without Unitas we wouldn’t have the play of Peyton Manning today. Unitas would work the line of scrimmage before a play like no one else in his time. Quarterbacks were used to getting the play calls from coaches and running the plays regardless of defensive schemes. Unitas was the first true student of the game finding weighted defensive lines and exploiting at every chance. He gave the quarterback position the intellectual nature that every quarterback has to have today.

2. Tom Brady

There are pure quarterbacks and then there are system quarterbacks. Tom Brady is the best system quarterback to ever play football. His game planning is as good as Peyton Manning’s and one suspects doesn’t take as much time. The New England Patriots system coached by Bill Belichick wore out defenses in the 00’s with a running game that became a passing game. Brady would throw out to the backfield with running backs following convoys of the best blockers in the league. When he wasn’t passing the run game, he was finding Wes Welker on simple slants and 5-10 step square in routes which he would turn into tons of YAK. If it wasn’t these two he was having Randy Moss make amazing plays on the ball. It started small and progressively opened up. Brady did whatever Belichick wanted him to do. He has 3 championships and broke so many records you can’t even count them now. How he changed the game was in the fact that you didn’t have to be a gunslinger to be a great quarterback ,even though he could easily do this.

1. Joe Montana

Joe Montana is the best quarterback for every reason listed in the intro above. His stats were out of control, he won 4 super bowl rings, and had every intangible you want out of a QB. He was unflappable, read defenses as well as Peyton Manning does now and had the most important intangible of all. He was an incredible clutch performer. Every Superbowl he was in required his clutch performance. Who could forget his amazing force out to the left of the pocket when he hit John Taylor in perfect stride? This is the stuff of pure legacy. With a QB rating of 92.3 and 273 touchdowns, he was the best. There was nothing flashy nor anything that was miraculous. There was just a player who knew that he could do anything he wanted to win a game.

Top 10 Two Player Games

Zeromage — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 21:41:34 +0000

Why play a 1 player game when you can play a 2 player game? Unfortunately, most of the best 2 player games are battle modes. Still, there is much fun to be had by beating up on a friend in a game when you’re not allowed to physically beat them up anymore in this day and age. This is not to say that there weren’t some amazing 2 player co-op games, but for better or worse, these games don’t strongly stand out when thinking about the best 2 player games. The ones that did stand out are certainly on this list for that reason. The main thrust of this article will be engaging the best battle mode 2 player games where controllers are smashed and friends TV’s are broken. These are the games that you devote your life to in order to beat your friend and claim your rightful place as the grand master of video game skill.

10. Bomberman 1 (Two Player Co-op Mode)

Bomberman 1 had to be on this list because of the strong Co-op mode that was in it. While Bomberman 2 had the best battle mode, it didn’t have a co-op mode, which was a shame. Bomberman 1 though had an amazing Co-op mode where you would start off in a level invincible for the first 7 seconds or so. If you were loaded with items and bombs from previous levels, you could just ransack the level before being able to get hit by anybody. In a matter of seconds the whole screen is just one big explosion with you and player two are standing around with the melee coming to an end. This is serious fun, but is all predicated on the fact that neither you nor your partner lose your weapons by being killed or idiotically killing yourself. Why a 2 player Co-op mode wasn’t made for Bomberman 2 is beyond us.

9. Metal Warriors

Metal Warriors can be irritating if you’re really shit at it. If you’re good at it, then have at it. Have at your friend who ends up in a fucking shitty ass robot who can’t jump so has to stand in the corner getting his ass beat while you throw out massive projectiles into nowhere. This is the fun though of many of the battle mode levels; the fact that you can enter into all the different robot machines, and if you happen to get screwed and end up in the 20,000 pound beast, then you’re dead. Strategy then in Metal Warriors isn’t just being good with certain bots, but finding the right bot that fits your style of play. There is the Swordsman bot who is fairy versatile all around. The flying bot is fun because you can crop down unexpectedly into player 2’s bot without them being able to do anything about it. Much like Mario Kart, you want to perfect a certain bot, but if you don’t have access to it, it’s good to have a good supplementary bot.

8. Double Dragon 2

With only a few Co-op games making this list, a Double Dragon game had to make it, but which one? Double Dragon 1 certainly started the 2 player co-op series where you could whomp on each other instead of moving forward in the game. Double Dragon 2 had a charisma though that Double Dragon 1 didn’t have. The graphics were smoother, the music was memorable, and the storyline was somewhat sophisticated. On top of that you got a some new moves and weapons to work with. Being able to do that flying 360 kick with the sound of a hurricane representing it was fun as hell, especially when “accidentally” hitting player 2. Getting through the levels was a challenge. The jumps were difficult, the bosses were elusive (except for that Arnold Schwarzenegger boss) and you had to rely on your partner for much of the game. Being able to kick out those Bobo’s out of the airplane would require one player to knock him down and the other to knock him out just as he was being sucked out of the plane. Coop 2 player was rarely this fun.

7. Street Fighter 2

Of course Street Fighter 2 is on this list. With all the characters you could choose from, this game is limitless fun. You go into the game thinking “Okay, I’m going to try someone new” and choose the weak ass Dhalsim. Your friend rocks you with Ryu’s fireballs and signature uppercut. You’re pretty pissed at this point. It’s time to go with the character you know can destroy all; M. Bison. After this, it’s just a domination fest with you using Bison’s Signature electric move that flies through the other player as if he didn’t exist. After 10 seconds the match is over with the other player screaming how unfair it is that you’re using M.Bison. Well it’s just as unfair being able to sit in a fucking shooting out those fucking fireballs all day. Of course, when you get really good at certain characters you can neutralize these seemingly impenetrable moves, even with Dhalsim (to this day, I’ve never seen anyone choose Dhalsim at the arcade Street Fighter 2 Coin-Op machine). Loads of characters, loads of moves, tons of irritation until you’re able to figure out how to combat all the other characters moves, a perfect recipe for a great 2 player game.

6. New Super Mario Wii (Coin Battle)

Super Mario Wii made it’s dominating entrance into the video game market last year with an incredible battle mode. A race to collect coins and kill each other would make this hyperactive battle the best for the Wii thus far. The feeling of getting thrown off a ledge by player 2 is excruciating because you have to bubble your way back to him to get out, and of course he being the ass he is, will run away from you the whole damn time leaving you with no coins and himself with all the coins, including the big coins worth 10 a piece! It’s paramount that you don’t die in this game, but this is rather hard when playing a difficult level trying to collect as many coins as you can. A good strategy? Collect a couple coins, kill player 2 before he’s able to collect any and then kill yourself. You win 2-0!

5. Contra

Contra is the one and only Co-op 2 player game. When one thinks of Coop mode, it is Contra. Even without the code, the game is loads of fun with 2 players. The game doesn’t allow you to kill each other which is a good thing because there’s really no way of getting past the first half of the first level if you were able to. The levels are set up perfectly for 2 players. The first level has high ground and low ground to destroy all the enemies and the fortress levels make it necessary for both players to take out radars on each side of the screen. Where the 2 player mode can be tricky is in the waterfall level where if you go to far above, you can leave the other player behind to his doom which isn’t a good thing, because it’s not like you have a lot of lives to work with unless you use the code. The game is perfectly programmed with a perfect amount of enemies per level and bosses that would scare the shit out of you. The only problem was the lack of lives which Konami made sure to code up with the 30 live code. You always felt less of a man though having to use the code, but you really had no choice. They should have given you 10 lives to start off with.

4. Super Mario Double Dash

As was stated in previous articles, this game single handedly took up 75% of our college lives. A’s became B’s and then B’s became B-’s. A professor would wonder why my editing became so poor as a became a junior and senior in college. One reason, Super Mario Double Dash. There’s no way I could actually look over a paper when I heard roommates in the living room yelling at the top of their lungs in anger because they got blue shelled just as they were about to win the race. I had to be part of it. I knew I could beat all of them regardless of getting blue shelled because I would be so far ahead of those fuckers that nothing could stop me from finishing a race at the #1 spot. That this game almost had 2 friends of mine going to physically blows shows how important of a game it was. If you lost enough, some people felt they had to prove their worth by actually having a physical fight. Thankfully this was never me because I was always accepted as the Double Dash Master. All this is only an anecdotal story though. How long could one actually talk about the game itself?

3. Bomberman 2 (Battle Mode)

Bomberman 2 has the best bomber man levels and some really badass items that make it a better battle mode than Bomberman 1. In the tradition of Bomberman, you have to skillfully bomb your way around blocks to eventually bomb player 2, and not even player 2, but possibly player 3 and 4, or the computer players if you don’t have enough friends which is probably the case if you play Bomberman 2 on a regular basis. Loading up a bombs is the most fun someone can have in a 2 player battle mode. You can get 10 of these things and just lay them down around the whole screen watching everyone run to the corner to escape your abundance of bombs. This overzealous excitement can lead to killing yourself though if you’re not careful enough. The levels range from the Bomber man “purist” level, to levels where you can jump across vines and levels where you can transport yourself and bombs through tunnels to other parts of the screen. The bomber man series has always been creative, but found it’s most practical creativity in this perfect 2 player battle mode.

2. WWF Raw (SNES)

Where the hell did this one come from? Do yourself a favor. By a 3rd party SNES/NES and buy this game. At first you won’t understand why this is such an amazing 2 player game, but the more you play it, the more it ages like fine wine, especially when you’re drinking lots of alcohol. It’s all on the Royal Rumble mode to make this game so great. The smallest moves will seem like the biggest accomplishments. Hip tossing a wrestler over the ropes gives you an unparalleled reward synaptic shot. Demolishing wrestlers with no energy in the middle of the ring will also do the same thing. The feeling of getting thrown against the ropes while player 2 is waiting right there to hip toss you over the ropes is incredibly depressing. The only shot you have is if you have enough energy to stop in your running tracks before the bastard is able to throw you over. The fun doesn’t just stop at the Royal Rumble in Raw though. The Survivor Series mode is also amazing because for some odd reason sometimes you don’t get to use all the wrestlers you picked because of bad programming, making you feel that you want to beat the bad programming with skill regardless of your handicap. Amazing drinking game. You can even let the rumble go on with the computer playing against itself and have bets on which wrestler will be the last man standing!

1. Super Mario Battle Mode (SNES)

This is the best 2 player game ever. For those who disagree, you don’t know what good 2 player battle modes are. This game is one screen, 5 different bad guys, and 2 different types of mushrooms that you can get to help you to your advantage, but yet can be played for hours because of how subtle the strategy is. You think you’ve mastered this game because it’s only played in one room. How about playing one of us at Old Wizard so we can whip your ass 50 times in a row to show you how much you need to improve. The element of winning by gaining coins (by killing the enemies on the screen) puts pressure on the other player to kill you before you’re able to gain the coins, which in turn puts pressure on you which often leads to you sacrificing your mushroomed Mario or Luigi to get that one coin. The pressure shifts back and forth like being part of the best football game in the world. You eventually learn prudence when you feel like you’re in the dumps being small while the other player is big and them having 2 coins. You know the game can tides can turn any moment. Just get that one mushroom or switch mushroom and you become the big bully! Seriously, timeless fun in every sense of the word ‘timeless’.

Ten Ways to Tell You’re Bohemian

Zeromage — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 15:48:28 +0000

God help you if you’re on this list and you’re officially nominated as Bohemian. It’s time to take a hard look at yourself in the mirror and to change your ways. You’re probably young, incredibly immature, and come from a lot of money that you pretend not to have. “Slumming it” in some city where you go to college, you are everyone everywhere at all times in your own mind…you are nothing. Without expatiating any further than what was just said, just do whatever you can to avoid these next obstacles in your life that could forever make you into a complete idiot.

10. You’ve protested something on your college campus

This is a funny one. During a popular and caustic response to an “unjust” war (I quote unjust because it needs to be defined and understood before deeming it as unjust), you’re out on the streets of a city with a sign while people drive by laughing at you. You have no idea about any of this though. In your mind, you’re doing a just service for your country by doing nothing but standing or sitting on a street corner while holding up a sign. But unconsciously, you know you’re really doing nothing. Unconsciously, your egregious attempts at defining yourself are making you an unctuous person. What’s even funnier is when this shit happens in a state and city where people are already in a state of disapproval of some Washington policy. You’re then speaking to no one, which can only mean you’re trying to speak to yourself, which means if you don’t grow up now, you will forever be an a complete fool.

9. You’ve driven cross country

If you don’t drive Cross Country then there must be something wrong with you for the Bohemian. It’s not about visiting random places or different countries and most importantly, not staying there for a long time. It’s about visiting places as quickly as possible on this transcendental road trip so you can come back and tell people that you visited places that you actually never really visited but simply passed by to say that “I’ve been there”. These people are what you would call “Experience Whores”, who actually have no real experience of any one place in particular but like the idea of experience in general. But how could one possibly experience a place if they’re not there for more than 1 day? Do everyone a favor, if you have the impulse to drive cross country, don’t go telling everyone about it afterwards. No one wants to hear about your non-experience masquerading as an experience.

8. You’re not allowed to like sports

“What, you like football! What’s the matter with you? All it is are people hitting each other and falling on each other! Why would you want to be part of such violence?” Independent of the obviously misogynistic connotation that goes along with the above quote is a complete misunderstanding of competitive sports. The fact that these professionals spend their whole lives working toward a goal that they had since they were children never comes across to your mind. The fact that some of these professionals play their sports with broken wrists and bum shoulders means nothing to you. The words “courage” and “commitment” mean nothing to you. Why do they mean nothing to you and why do you think you can get away with saying something so halfwitted? Maybe because you sucked ass at everything in life.

7. You painted a mural on a wall on your college campus

You’ve seen it in movies about the ghetto. You’ve seen people in states of penury naturally graphite walls and you want to do this yourself. You want to be from the streets and a state of penury like people from the ghetto are regardless of the fact that you come from $700,000 dollar property and your father is a divisional manager of an insurance company. Express yourself! Paint on these walls and show the world everything that you’re about. Show the world how complicated you are by painting something that could never possibly make any sense to anyone, in turn making you appear interesting because there’s no possible way of understanding you! Just make sure not to sign your name on the bottom or you will be on probation by campus security and you don’t want that. You don’t want your parents finding out about that one. You can tell all your friends though, or everyone that you’ve felt the incessant need to impress.

6. You walk to class barefoot

The ground is dirty and there’s probably mud on the grass on your way to your “social issues” class where you discuss world poverty and do nothing about it. You decide to not wear any shoes knowing that everyone is coming back from class or going to class at the same time. Shit, you are really different. Look at that person without the shoes; look at how different they are…man I could really learn something from them. An idiot would think this to themselves. For the rest of us, it’s “What the fuck is wrong with this person? What are they trying to prove? Why are they so in need of respect by paradoxically wanting to appear that they don’t care about what people think about them?” Ahh, there is your answer. These people deeply care about what you think about them, so much so that they’re willing to get their fucking feet dirty!

5. You go to Chinese restaurants just so you can use chopsticks

Don’t you love seeing these people? They talk softly but intently in a Chinese restaurant about things that they think are important but aren’t important beyond their abstract sociological classes with mawkish professors who think they’re still 21. They hunch over their sushi for some odd reason, probably to appear coquettish because that is the bohemian style after all…to be a fucking pansy. When the chopsticks come, it’s like they’ve won a fuckin trophy. When they dig into their sushi with their chopsticks they are really on top of the world in all their cosmopolitan glory. They want you to know how cultured they are and the major signifier of this disingenuous multi-cultural aspiration is the fuckin’ chopsticks. If you like chopsticks so much, why don’t you go over to China and produce them in one of their thousands of sweat shops. Then you can really feel “cultured”.

4. You wear T-shirts with a random slogan or advertisement on it

Robot figures, an advertisement for mayonnaise from 70’s, whatever it is, because you’re wearing it, you’re cool as fuck. Who else is wearing this stuff? People walk by you and laugh and you think to yourself “Yeah, shit I’m different from everyone”, but little do you realize that people are laughing at you because you’re a dumbass who’s obsessed with himself. Who knows, maybe the people actually think you’re cool. They don’t want to hang out with you, but they get a sense they are experiencing something different because they’re walking by a retard like you. This is college life in a nutshell. When the dream is over, the dumb shirts are taken off and you’re left to yourself, your nothingness…and that’s when the meds start.

3. You cite Noam Chomsky from books of his you’ve never read

There is one certainty for you, the self-obsessed Bohemian, and that’s the fact that everything that’s “wrong in the world” is because of the United States who’s either 1. giving you your loan to go to college and/or 2. Made your family filthy rich to make you go to college without earning it. How to supplement this insincere distaste for the US? You look at the front cover of Noam Chomsky’s “Imperial Ambitions” and flip through a few pages about how the US extorted the Ecuadorian population for their Snow Pea market. The history of the US in World War 2 and Post World War 2 policies like the Marshall Plan are so outside your mental space that you don’t even know who the US’s allies were in World War 2. All you know is that The United States is evil and you’re going to do something about it by flipping through a book and telling others about this book you flipped through. Damn, you’re so interesting.

2. You listen to indie music

Here it is again. The good old indie scene taking it on the chin again by Old-Wizard. Can’t listen to anything that is remotely popular, can’t admit to liking a song because it’s on the radio. Everything you listen to has to be from some obscure channel on an obscure station that only a few people know about so you can tell other people about these new abominable bands to appear “cutting edge”. But do you really like the music? Difficult question. You like the idea of telling other people about things they don’t know, and if you do this at the expense of music, then so be it. At least these awful bands are getting the credit they don’t deserve but they want because people like you exist who eventually start bad bands like the bad bands you’re telling everyone else about. It’s a big circle of shit.

1. You look dirty and smell like shit

Dirty ass T-shirts, dirty feet, almost naked listening to reggae, specifically Bob Marley. You sit outside your apartment dorm that your parents shelled out $130,000 for, thinking that you’re from fucking Jamaica. What the hell is going on in your absolutely handicapped mind? You’re telling the world that you don’t have to appear clean like everyone else because you’re your own person who does their own thing, and there is no better sign for this than looking dirty and smelling like shit. The world is relaxed for you. You can do whatever you want. Of course you can you dip shit, you don’t have to pay for any of this disgusting display of individuality, someone else does! There’s a washer in the basement of your immaculate apartment complex on campus. Use it once and awhile. Maybe you’ll really learn a thing or two about yourself besides the fact that you have to be someone so grotesquely different from everyone else.

Related Articles: Top 10 Worst Types of People

Top 10 Worst Things People Say

Zeromage — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 22:16:44 +0000

You come across people all the time. Most of the time it’s never a good thing. There are various reasons why this is the case, but one of the most prominent reasons is what comes out of peoples’ mouths. Those irritating platitudes that make you think to yourself “It’s not that I don’t like the world, I just really dislike it’s people”. In this list, we will go through these modern aphorisms that people think they can just say without any sense of self-consciousness or feeling like a complete idiot for saying them. These soft aphorisms need to be put in the grave and here at OW, we feel this has always been our mission; putting crappy things in their place.

10. “I watch the super bowl for the commercials”

Even if you watch the Super Bowl for the commercials and are a complete Philistine when it comes to the grand mythological game of football, how is it possible to run around the day after telling people that you “watched the game for the commercials”? What are you gaining out of telling people that you’re an advertisement whore with no soul and no love for anything that doesn’t last 30 seconds? Are you trying to appear vacuous to people? Is this somehow attractive in the most abstract sense; essentially to appear as retarded to others (and not retarded in the fun way like trying to jump from your roof into your pool and missing it thereby breaking your leg)? The question is whether this is a self-conscious gesture or an honest one. If it is honest, God help humanity in it’s descent into vacuity.

9. “I want New Orleans to win the Superbowl because it would be good for the city”

Who else is sick of this shit? First of all, if you’re from New Orleans then you have the right to make this statement. If you lived through the hurricane and saw your house destroyed, you have every right to be passionate about a team that gives hope to a city in ruin, but if you’re some dumb fuck from another area in the country getting off on the fact of this altruistic narrative, you are what I would call an “unthinking being”. How in the hell can you empathize with something you have no real relation to except in news media coverage? Does the $10.00 you sent to Katrina Aid enable you to say really what’s good “for the city”? Or are you just following a media narrative that has stuck to you like when you purposely went to a gypsy fortune teller to learn about yourself, unconsciously knowing full well that they are only going to tell you good things about yourself in attempts to further obtain your business for the future? Are you really this fucking stupid? Are you this easily led? No wonder why the Federal Reserve can get away with what it wants, and why we have economic policy that blindly pumps money into nowhere. It knows how retarded the American population is. As they say, “Socialism is the product of an obsequious population”.

8. “Donnie Darko is my favorite movie”

“Donnie Darko is my favorite movie”. All that dark imagery. All those pseudo-psychological problems that inhibit Jake Gyllenhaal. You’ve internalized these problems as your own because they look so real and authentic. To suffer superficially is to really suffer to you. The world is so mad and there’s nothing that you can do about it…and this is where your spirit and thought process stop, that you live in a chaotic world of madness where you never know what’s going to happen. Your fake hopelessness found in a movie guides you in your life and gives you opinions on things you have no right to have opinions on. But this movie had such an impact on your boring life that you think you can live it out without it having nothing to do with you. Do us a favor. Go find an insurance job and marry some trite wide eyed optimist who thinks they can change the world from all the problems that you two find in this movie….and then get divorced in 2 years when you realize that you really didn’t like each other, but were just complete fucking idiots.

7. “I got so wasted last night”

Man, you got wasted last night. What are you going to do about it? YOU’RE GOING TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT IT!. It’s like a fucking job. You wake up the next morning and you say to yourself “Alright I’m going to let everyone on my phone know that I got wasted last night”. And then there’s the fail safe; putting it up on your face book Profile! The universal signifier of how drunk you got is letting everyone know in one facebook status change on how drunk you got. Your mind-numbing friends will probably respond with “YEAH IT WAS!”. How can people like this live with themselves? Are their whole lives guided around the fact that their ostensible night of debauchery signified some value for the person? Or has value been thrown into a vacuum when these pseudo-debaucheristic gestures become prevalent? No longer value, but complete emptiness, the existential project could never have known how badly nothingness could possibly manifest itself.

6. “I like all kinds of music”

What the fuck is this supposed to mean? Does this mean you like Mahler? Does this mean you like Chopin’s Nocturnes? Does this mean you like Nickelback? Does this mean you like Chopin’s Nocturnes and Nickelback at the same time? Why don’t you just answer that you don’t like music at all and you really don’t care about it? This would be a much more appropriate answer than the tiresome affirmation of thinking you like “all kinds of music” when you clearly don’t. If you like bad music then so be it. Shit, I like tons of bad music. I can say with all honesty that I like that Matchbox 20 song called “Bent”. It’s not a guilty pleasure, it’s something that I happen to like that I know sucks ass. We all like bad music. Instead of saying you like “all kinds of music”, just say “I like bad music”. You will gain a whole lot of respect by admitting that you listen to shit.

5. “I believe that God is all around us”

Fast food religion epitomized in this self-indulgent aphorism. “God is all around us”. Okay fucker, explain this shit to me. You’re telling me that the fact that someone suddenly dies from unknown causes is “God being all around us”, or do you just mean to not step on anyone’s toes with real beliefs and real thought processes regarding the issue of teleological transcendence. While there is wisdom in this aphorism, you can’t get away with just making this statement without explaining it. And those open armed gestures won’t do you any good except making you look like a fool trying to explain something that is logically impossible to explain. All around us? How the hell do you know what “All” is? Have you visited different countries? Have you investigated other people religions? Have you done any work to try to understand an overriding spirit to the world? Or do you just need a position that makes the people around you feel happy and makes you look insightful because your friends are dumb fucks?

4. “Macs are so intuitive”

I don’t doubt that Macs are “intuitive”, but can someone please elaborate on why Macs are intuitive instead of saying its because they have flashy commercials and silky looking screens? Can someone tell me about why the programming in a Mac is more intuitive than the programming in a Microsoft interface? Where does this general impulse come from in being able to describe things so vaguely? Where does this impulse come from in being so fucking lazy as to being able to state things that you can’t explain. Sure, in the middle ages we couldn’t explain God so left it to faith to “explain” the belief in God, but does a technological program lead itself to be explained purely on faith? No, it’s not faith. It’s hearsay and all those flashy commercials with the hackneyed indie pop music behind it. Advertisements work wonders on idiots. It’s not the advertisers fault to blame though for the lack of thinking when making humdrum statements like “Mac’s are intuitive”. It’s man at his worst, his most self-satisfied, to be able to say anything without really meaning it, and never knowing what any real meaning is.

3. “If you don’t vote, you can’t complain”

What the fuck is this supposed to mean? If I don’t vote I can’t complain? Fuck you, you dull modern plebeian. By simple logic I can fucking complain for 24 hours about politics and not vote at the same time. I can realize that my vote in my state would not change any outcome for an election. I can realize that modernity’s version of civic responsibility is equal to 2 seconds writing on a paper or pulling a fucking lever. I will live in spite of voting by the principle that civic responsibility transcends the tedious aphorisms of the need for 2-second voting. If I read and think about modern politics and give informed dialogue about a current issue, this is more of civic responsibility than voting, and not paying attention to anything that is happening politically speaking until the next time there is some vote that is deemed “important”. You can understand some poverty stricken being needing to make this statement to bring up their self-esteem in the world. But if you’re of at least middle class stating this shit, you’re an ant.

2. “How can you not like the Pixies?”

When you’re around people who appear to like music, they won’t talk about it unless you address them specifically about it because they feel themselves so authoritarian in their music taste that no one is good enough to hear about it. If you’re able to engage these mentally handicapped animals into a music conversation, chances are you’re going to hear the most generic indie rock bands that represent their false humility that makes them not openly talk about their influences. When you talk about how you think indie music is the biggest piece of trash to ever happen to 20th century pop music, you may bring up the fact The Pixes ran a fast one on music listeners by appearing to be good but actually being absolute dung. The mentally handicapped animal will look at you dumbfounded. “How is it possible not to like the Pixies?” For everyone else who’s honest enough to hear good music, ask this jobber one thing; “So what are your favorite Pixies songs”? When you get no answer, or 1 song at most, you know you’re in a dialogue with someone who you never need to dialogue again with in this life time, and you will be relieved that you are not an idiot.

1. “What do you do?”

What do I do? I fucking do nothing! Even as I have things to do, I’m not telling some fucking stranger about “what I do”. This generic question tries to strike at the heart of what one’s financial worth is. So instead of asking “What do you do”, it should instead be asked in all honesty, “What is your Capitol worth?” When you confront these status whores, you can actually have fun with them if they are banal enough to ask you this question immediately upon meeting you. Just make things up. Say you’re the guitarist for Nickleback. See if they think that’s a good thing. Then you know they’re really idiots. Say “I do nothing”. Watch the reaction on the sycophant’s face when you say this. They are dumbfounded and in a momentary existential conundrum on how to respond to this response. You have to play with these degraded freaks of nature; play with them like they were animals; except without the sympathy that animals are actually more in tune with the core of honesty than these status masturbators.

Ask Old-Wizard: Conspiracy Theories

Sage — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 21:33:27 +0000

This week Sage answers a few of our readers’ questions about conspiracy theories, both real and imagined.

I saw a special on Fox that said that NASA faked the Moon landings. Is this true?

Yes everything of Fox is true. It’s true and well researched. It’s true, well researched, and completely non-biased. It’s true, well researched, completely non-biased, and does not have an agenda. It’s true, well researched, completely non-biased, does not have an agenda, and is not evil. It’s true, well researched, completely non-biased, does not have an agenda, is not evil, and always makes perfect sense.

Is it true that Freemasons secretly control the world through international banking?

Did Mary have a little lamb? Was that little lamb’s fleece as white as snow? Did that little lamb follow Mary every where she went? Including to school one day, school one day, school one day? Did said lamb make the children laugh and play? Did the teacher turn the poor lamb out? And did the lamb wait patiently? Yes. Why you ask, well according to the teacher the lamb loved Mary. Does that answer this question?

Is Atlantis real?

Yes. For exact reasons please see the answer to the above question which states the reasons out more obviously. As you will see it turns to have to do with lambs, children, and teachers. We were shocked too.

Was the US government behind 9/11?

Normally I would agree with this theory but lets look at the facts. George W. Bush is easily the least intelligent human being to ever run anything, including this country. His entire life, and generally his presidency, are considered to be a failure. So with him at the head of the government believing this theory gives GW a splash too much credit. Granted he wanted a war and he did get one but I think it was more the fault of crazy Islamic people than the U.S. government

What is your theory about who built the pyramids in Ancient Egypt?

Our guess is Egyptians. Lots of them.

Do you know where I can find a copy of the Necronomicon?

Ahhh you mean The Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, the ancient Sumerian text which contained bizarre burial rights, funeral incantations, and demon resurrection passages. Last I saw it was in a graveyard somewhere. But before you pick it up remember to say these three words; Klatu Barada Nicto, or Necktie, or Nectum, or Nickel, hmmm it’s definitely an N-word. Anyway be careful, it was never meant for the world of the living.

Is it true that the world leaders all secretly worship Satan?

Yes, obviously.

I’ve read that Swine flu is part of a government conspiracy to keep out illegal immigrants. With democrats moving forward on legalizing illegals, anti-immigration forces had no options left. The flu will be used to l close the borders once and for all, and reduce the population trying to get over the border in one ‘final solution’. Is this true?

For the record no democrat is trying to ‘legalize’ illegal immigrants. We here at OW love how desperate conservatives try to claim this. The Republicans (which is the same to say “Rich white people”) had 8 years with the most conservative president ever and were unable to solve the problem of illegal immigration, if anything it got much worse. Bush even tried to offer a temporary work permit deal that was blocked in a democratic congress. Then the rich white people lost control of the entire government and went crazy when a black man took office. Rich white people do not like black people, especially smart progressive thinking ones. But I digress. So what your saying is that the government made a virus that would target only people that are trying to cross the mexican/us border? Well it worked right? I mean only sneaky Mexicans got the flu and there are no more day workers at my Home Depot. Wait, everyone got the flu…hmm still no day workers though…wait is that because Bush tanked the economy? Well it seems Bush did fix the problem.