Dateline: Dave Matthews

Time: Gov’t Mule just finished playing. It felt bloody late. Time and space didnt matter, as I traveled through both freely.

Plot: I just finished dancing my crazy twinkle toes off jammin to the funkalicious grooves of GM. I found my stomach growing hungry and looking for chow. I walked from the stage to the sound canopy. It took forever. Some dude was playing a flute and I thought it was old Ian Anderson. He was definately eyeing little girls with bad intent. Yeah aqualung!

Plot thickening: The old flute boy was creepin’ me out and I just remembered that I was hungry. Before me lay a field, not just any field, but the grandest longest field I ever saw. In the far distance I percieved a metallic truck serving up tasty morsels of human food. I had to have some. My stomach told me that we needed some. My precious. I took to my feet and began this arduous journey across the field of despair. I don’t know how long I walked, it seemed like I would never get there, but I imagine like 2 minutes standard time must have passed. I get to this burger vendor guy and he says to me How you doing tonight? Of all the things to say, he says that to me. I didn’t know how to answer! I couldn’t answer! I almost didn’t answer, but after maybe 45 seconds of taking a full inventory of how I felt right then and there, I concocted the best answer I could. I replied Good. Not the most erudite of things to say, but it was the best I could come up with at the time. Call it poetic license. So somehow, the two of us managed to get to the subject of food. After a tooth-pulling pause, he put a burger on the grill for me. I just stood there breathing. He just stared at the grill. I stared at the grill. It looked neat-o. I think there were blue flames dancing, but I might have been dreaming. I had left reality about two hours prior. In the blink of eternity later, the burger with cheese was finally finished. He handed it to me, I dressed it up with some ketchup, mustard, and relish(the good kind). He looked at me and said Have a good night. I said you too dude. And I walked away unfettered.

The Crime: I began savoring the flavor of the burger as I navigated my way across that field that I considered a never ending desert. I finally got about two-thirds of the way before I realized that I didn’t pay for the burger. He didn’t ask me for money. I forgot money existed. I stopped eating and walking and held a council with myself. Should I go back and pay or should I just go sit in my chair. I stood there for about 15 minutes. I called a vote with myself and the go-sit-in-the-chair votes won. The burger tasted that much better now that it was stolen. I was a common criminal. But I don’t mind stealing bread from the mouths of the decadent. I found my chair unoccupied and sat my tremendous bulk onto its haunches. The burger was gone, my stomach stopped rumbling like Mount Doom, and I sat watching this neon-glowing Frisbee fly through the air. It was a pretty good night. The end.

-Zeromage