This cranky guy’s habanero home brew:

So here’s the short of it, this guy was a freaking toolbox from Aspen who brews beer when he’s not day trading or being a CFO or some other rich person bs. He was not nice, and he was very arrogant about his beer (he wouldn’t let my wife try his beer because her judges sheet was not visible when she asked for a sample). So anyhow, this jackass had this amber ale that he brewed with fresh habeneros. He claimed it was SO HOT that normal people and women should not even try it. He was saying this to someone who has a pepper garden in his back yard and actively seeks out the hottest possible food he can find (Btw, currently it’s Mad Dog 357 Special Edition hot sauce…it’s the hottest sauce I can find that’s still considered a condiment and not an additive, like Blair’s…but I digress). The heat of the beer was slim to none, maybe a little bite in the tonsils somewhere in the aftertaste, but because of the additional sugar in the peppers this beer packed a gravitational wallop! It was 8.6 abv and the only wet-hopped amber ale I’ve ever had, which seriously aided in the long bitey finish (according to spell check I just invented the word “bitey”). I did not tell the buttplug who brewed it, but this beer was the highlight of the day for me.

Southern Tier: Choklat Stout Imperial Chocolate Stout:

This is some seriously high octane stout at 11% abv, but it may also be, nay, it is the best tasting chocolate stout I’ve ever had…EVEN BETTER than Young’s, which holds a very special chamber in my heart. The chocolate they used must have been the darkest they could find, because this brew isn’t plagued by the typical over-sweetness of the chocolate normally found in these fickle libations. For the amount of booze in this masterpiece, it is incredibly drinkable. It is a limited edition though, so please go find it soon.

North Coast: Old Stock Ale

This old ale is a DEEP amber when poured, and was almost ruby when I held it up to the light. This is not a beer to wash down pizza, nor is it a beer to cool you off after a long summer day. I picture the ideal location and circumstance of this beers consumption completely across the nation from where I tried it in their Ft Bragg, CA brewery. I picture my self with a snifter of this hoppy brew by a fireplace in VT, snow pants still on, with my feet up. That’s the only way I can describe this beer’s intense and mellowing flavor. It tastes like a VT winter.

Moat Mountain Brewing Co: Coffee Brown Cask Ale

I spent this fall’s peak in the White Mountains with my wife. While driving through the Mount Washington valley we passed what looked like a ski gondola that had crashed to its demise on the side of rt 16. The building read Moat Mountain Brewery and Smokehouse. Of course we were stopping. This beer will be tough for most of you to find. They insist on doing all of their own distribution and shipping, so they never make it further south or west than Portsmouth New Hampshire stores. If you do happen to somehow stumble upon growler of theirs, guard it with your life! Every single brew is painstakingly crafted with love at the smokehouse. This particular beer was made in one 5 gallon batch (sorry…), and was hand pulled for me at exactly 11:07 a.m. EST on October 4th, 2008. It’s hard to describe what an amazing beer does to you when that first sip slides through you like an inside out hug. The notes of locally roasted coffee nestled happily in this lightly carbonated malty heaven of a beer gave me goose-bumps. I immediately told the bartender that would pay whatever they wanted for a growler of this gem, but he refused. He said “No amount of money wil get those 64 oz of beer back.” Well put. I ended up taking home a growler of their smoked porter and their Cathedral Lager, which would both make my top 5 beers of the year on their own legs.

Anyhow, thanks for visiting Old-Wizard this year. Thanks to all of the readers who left positive comments, and also thank you to the readers with the guts to stand up for their own geekdom. I hope these periodic brew-news articles inspire you to step outside of the box and try some local beers. Coors and Bud won’t miss you, and your local breweries could definitely use you on their side.

Skal!

Destructo

Strong, heavy, and stout. These were three words associated with porters who worked the streets, docks and rivers of England and Ireland in the 18th and 19th centuries. Men who were the strongest and lifted the heaviest also craved the strongest and the heaviest when it came to their beer. They brewed with only the darkest roasted of the malts, which created the menacingly dark color of the mysterious brew. There are many stories in regards to the origin of the porter, with the most popular placing the first porters as a mixture of brown, pale, and extra-strong ale, being almost certainly fabricated. The closest to the truth is that beer in the 18th century was brewed by the breweries but aged and fermented by the distributors of the time. When you went to buy beer, it would be poured for you directly from the barrel into the container and needed to be consumed immediately. With Porters coming in after a long day of labor, the explanation of “yes, we have beer, but it’s still aging, so you can’t have any” would not be acceptable, and the resulting pour would be weak and immature ale. The breweries began to develop beer that was actually aged at the brewery and ready to be consumed the moment it hit the stores and pubs. The result was a fully mature, strong, dark beer that was immediately a hit with the industry’s largest demographic, the porters. The strongest and darkest of the porters were first called “extra porters,” but as the strongest beers had been drunk by the strongest men, these “extra porters” became known as “stouts,” for the extra stout men who drank them.

NERD ALERT:

While modern technology has removed the need for giant men who can drag half of a boat, the thirst for porters has only increased. Why? because to create that technology we have become stout in mind. Enter the math nerd (me!). We know the importance of understanding all of the parts of the equation in order to fully appreciate the whole. Watch a porter drinker’s ritual next time they order a pint. They will first take a deep sniff (any hints of mystery smells? Any notes of fruit or woods?) look at the head (is it firm, with the consistency of beaten egg whites?), next they will hold it up to the light (how red or amber is the glow through the body [by the way, Guinness is ruby red when looked at up to the light, beautiful!]? are there visible impurities?), then comes the sip, letting it sit in your mouth (what’s the beer texture? is it heavy? How does it feel in your mouth?), finally, we swallow (what is the finish? any after taste? what are the subtle notes?). Once we understand all of the parts of the solution, we can feel much more satisfied with knowing what that solution is, and the solution for any problem in my life is: a fresh pint of porter.

Recommendations:

Otter Creek’s Stove Pipe Porter, Moat Mountain Brewing’s Smoke House Porter and, of course, Guinness Draught.

If you haven’t read part one yet, read it here.

Alas! Beer has been bastardized by heathens who forgo science (and therefore taste) to supply automatons with mass produced, flavorless swill for mass consumption! If people who can’t think for themselves want to drink this sugary, watered-down garbage, more power to them. Their beverage choice makes it very easy to exclude them as possible conversationalists. For us nerds, however, the beer you choose speaks volumes about your nerdiness. To help you in your decisions, I give you:

THE BEER GUIDE FOR NERDS.

IPA (India Pale Ale)

History: If it were not for the IPA, you may not be alive right now. The brew gets its name from the English, who sent it off on the ships headed out in search of spices. IPA’s are packed with hops (the flower attributed to the majority of beers flavor), as hops are a fantastic preservative. The hops gave the beer a long enough shelf life to keep the sailors hydrated and scurvy free on their extended voyages. One expedition ran out of beer, and in a panic headed for shore as soon as shore was visible. The shore they stopped on would prove more historical than the world’s longest beer run, it was Plymouth, MA, and I think we know the rest of this story.

Nerd Alert: History and Philosophy nerds can be found sipping the bitter, complexly floral (and usually highly alcoholic) ale at the candle lit tables of pubs around the world. The IPA’s amber/cherry hue glows under the flame and perfectly accents the heated conversations of the historian’s mind. The American brewer often takes this beer as a challenge to see just how much complexity they can pack into it without allowing it to become too bitter, just like a philosopher!

Recommendations: North Coast’s Acme IPA, Lagunitas IPA

Coming soon:
Porter
Belgian
Lager
Barley wine
Cask ale
…and more!