10. Columbia

Oasis’s first album. What an album it was. What a song Columbia was. This massive hypnotic trance was part fuelled by Swervedriver slow drive and part fuelled by the psychedelic of Tommorow Never Knows. This song keeps on moving. When this shit kicks in you’re in a swirl of massive guitars, pounding beats and modern psychedelic; in other words, everything that made Oasis the greatest band of the 90’s. These often forgotten songs are never mentioned by critics of the band, because they would rather dislike the band than see how much more powerful they were than American suicide artists of the time. The ones who know, the ones who hear, hear this, and when they hear it, they turn it up to deafening levels.

9. Cigarettes and Alcohol

When you see Oasis live, this is the song to see. Noel starting off with Bolan’s riff times 100 in overdrive, the pounding bass drum building up the vibe, and then the all the instrumentation smashing in creating a raunchy and loose groove for the whole audience to jump too. The gig becomes a cult when Oasis play this song live. The moment is won for the life thrown into the debauchery of Cigarettes and Alcohol. When nothing is found and everything in life is lost, there are still cigarettes and alcohol to cool the brain from mundanity. Being inebriated enough will make for more than just a relaxation but a grand stupor around the gig telling everyone how amazing Oasis is, or just yellow “Oasis”. Soccer culture aside, this song defined a generation that just let loose in the most nonchalant albeit radical way possible.

8. D’ya know what I Mean?

The great Be Here Now’s opening track. Who waited until midnight that fateful night when “D’You know what I mean” was premiered on MTV. Out came Oasis and in came the heaviest of drum beats taken from the best beat makers of a generation (Public Enemies “It takes a nation). Then came in Liam’s vocals that were as crisp and raw as they had been to that point but slightly polished to the degree of their popularity at the time. Guitars swirling around at every second, Noel’s vocals recorded backwards into chorus’s, Noel’s ripping guitar solo. This song just beat the shit out of every other song on the radio at the time. All with the cool demeanor known only to Irish Manchunians.

7. The Girl in the Dirty Shirt

Why don’t songwriters write songs this good anymore? Does everyone realize how sick of a chorus is in this song? This shit’s like top 10 radio if the world only listened to psychedelic music. It’s classy and bombastic at the same time; a feat that could only be accomplished by Oasis. This song was modern R and B (R and B from the 60’s, not the soft 90’s shit) with Phil Spector turning up the overdubs with max compression. You could dance to this song, you could sing to this song, you couldn’t get this song out of your head once you heard it, and it wasn’t even a single. Noel Gallagher’s knack for amazing hooks is illustrated perfectly in this song. This is memorable beyond what people hear, or rather think about Be Here Now.

6. Champagne Supernova

What’s the Morning Glory was arguably the best album of the 90’s. With as many credible and successful singles off the album, how couldn’t it be? The most substantial of these singles was Champaign Supernova. To this day, this song remains Oasis’s finest creative moment. Not settling for the great songwriting that we all knew Noel could write in less than a minute, but expanding into something larger, something neo-psychedelic, something that was just beyond anything else heard on the radio at the time. The production in the solo kicks up to a level that was never owned by any other band besides Oasis in the 90’s. Never afraid of overdubs or sounding bombastic at the sake of some presupposed ideal of humility, Oasis road to the castle and took over the crown of best band on the earth with this song. Nothing at the time or even afterwards sounded so glorious, majestic, an unafraid.

5. Underneath the Sky

The flow, the move, of Underneath the Sky; the play of Underneath the Sky, could only be captured by Noel Gallagher’s stream-of-conscious spiritual songwriting. The life, the moment, the moment after the moment and the moment forever deferred for the memory of a past, all Underneath the Sky again. “All he needs is his life in a suitcase, it belongs to a friend of a friend”. In this one statement Noel Gallagher explains the never stable subject who is in debt to someone always and already. All within a mathematical machinery; an operation; Underneath The Sky? Not simply Underneath the Sky, but Underneath the Sky again. The indefinite circulatory state of the universe, captured in a pop song under 3 and half minutes? Reserved for one man from Northern England.

4. Don’t Look Back in Anger

Respectable Arena Rock, or just a great song? However you see it, Don’t Look Back in Anger changed a nation. It made them sing again. It made them sing loud, it made them sing inebriated without care for their horrendous jobs they would have to go back to after the weekend getaway to the Oasis show. That moment the chorus came in, that massive drum fill, no matter how predictable it was; it inspired not only the moment of the crowd but a bunch of kids looking to do something with their life besides sit on the dole like their dads. This kind of inspiration comes once in a lifetime. The gift came to Noel Gallagher and he delivered it in spades only on his second album.

3. Live Forever

If there had to be a greatest love song of the 90’s it would belong to Live Forever. Never overly-sentimental or servile, Live Forever wished for a love that was not only more realistic, but more spiritual at the same time. Not aiming at the Disney fantasy nor glamorizing tragedy, Live Forever escapes the traditional signifiers of the concept of “Love” for an unmediated version that only answers the moment, to the wish and hopes of a people in general beyond the concept of love. The other though is included here without any effort as if the other is always needed for inclusion into one’s life. The success of this song lies in this stream-of-conscious delivery that doesn’t think about the generalized concepts that are consistently taken for granted, but takes them for what they’re worth at the moment; a delivery that is neither cliché, nor analytical…it’s just there.

2. What’s the Story Morning Glory

90’s rock is defined by one song and one song only. “What’s the Story Morning Glory” is the best of 90’s rock. It’s loud, abrasive, lyrically poignant, and one of Liam’s best vocal deliveries put to record. The song is just a massive blast in your stereo. After 2 listens you’re shouting the chorus at the top of your lungs experiencing the ecstasy of the song (or rather we should say the charly induced high of the song). The song never gives any space for dynamics which Oasis mastered perfectly turning music on it’s head of presuppositions for a type of good musicianship that often had to be equated with dynamics. “What’s the Story Morning Glory” smashed these pretensions out of the water and anyone who could try to criticize it.

1. Masterplan

The British have a keen sense for historical consciousness; European thought in general since the 19th century has been aware of it’s historicity. This is exemplified perfectly in Oasis’s most teleological song in the name of The Masterplan. Without heeding to over-generalization, the senior Gallagher simply tells it like it is with an impartial bias that’s so powerful that it transcends subjectivity; the subjectivity that would like to think it actually matters in the grand scheme of the things. But at the end of The Masterplan, you are in the grand metaphysical machinery, irreducible and inescapable. The trembling guitar finish leaves the listener neither in happiness nor tragedy, but in an unchangeable destiny, a master plan that humans can only observe, and only the most humble ones, which ironically belongs strongly to Noel Gallagher with the delivery of this song. The critics have never understood that bravado and “arrogance” are just masks for a protected purity not in want of being contaminated by material.

Left 4 Dead plays almost identical to Resident Evil. Not only does it play like the earlier game, but it looks almost identical to it also. There is no improvement in the graphics either, which is a disappointment for a game that obviously gets its inspiration from the Playstation games of the genre. Left 4 Dead though does have quite a few more explosions and quite a few more zombies to kill. But you better have great vision because much of this game leaves you in the dark with only a spotlight trying to kill zombies who act just like zombies from past games.

If there is something to be said about Left 4 Dead, it is the extremely smooth controlling in the game. The switching of guns and character movements are pleasing when trying to kill a room full of zombies in optimal time. The movements are quick and react perfectly with the controller. The same can’t be said for other games in this genre, like most of the Resident Evil games. If there’s one plus to this game it is that it’s too much like the Resident Evil games, except for the better controlling

Your character in Left 4 Dead dies much of the same way that protagonists die in previous games in the genre. Zombies come out of nowhere, jump on you, and blood comes gushing out, which can be scary if this is the first “zombie shooter” you have ever played in your life. If you’re reading this article though, we’re pretty sure that you’ve played them all. The zombies die the same, you die the same, your partners die the same. Everything is just (*sigh) the same.

This is not to say that someone who immensely enjoys killing zombies with a numerous amount of guns will be disappointed with this game. The continuity between the different areas is seamless, and will give the gamer a sense of satisfaction knowing that they’ve passed an area even though it doesn’t say so on the screen. You’ve got your partners healing you, you’ve got your big guns making machine gun noises, and you got zombies that are either meager and easy to beat, or ones that are so difficult that you’ll end up using all the ammo of your assault rifle to destroy (women zombies to be exact!)

The most disappointing part of the game is the graphics, and not just the lack of use of the 360’s full graphical capabilities, but the lack of creativity that went into the scene making. The graffiti looks plain, the characters look average, the zombies look like obvious hunched-backed humans. Nothing stands out visually in the game, which is a must for a game that tries to capitalize on an already successful genre of video games. The few creative moments are not visual, and come down to throwing a molotov cocktail to block off zombies from attacking you from a specific area. If you can’t get enough of this type of game play, then you will enjoy Left 4 Dead. If you’re looking for something new in the first person shooter genre, then this game is nowhere close to the ingenuity you’re looking for.

Our Rating:

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Like us, they write about Nintendo, which obviously gives us a kinship with them. What makes Slapstic standout from the rest of the video game websites on the net though, is the personality in their articles. These aren’t just news stories, but solid opinions on video games that are always well defended. Check out their “Top 10 Worst Enemies in Gaming History“, or their “15 Great Games that are Playable on Low End PC’s” to see what we mean.

Rigney and crew just don’t have personality, but a comedic appeal missing from many of the video game websites on the web today (IGN). Without taking themselves too seriously, that can bring out the greatness of the video game world in all it’s glory. Another attribute to Slapstic.com is their freedom in letting freelancers write their own articles for the site. The only requisite that is required is that the article has personality. It’s with this in mind that Slapstic is always a fun read no matter what article you’re reading.

We hope that Slapstic stays open for business for some time to come. Many video game websites that don’t garner immediate success shut down after a couple months on the scene. With the wit and identity that goes into Slapstic articles though, we are pretty sure that they’re here to stay. It’s always an exciting day when Slapstic updates their site with an enormously funny article like “Top Ten Worst Traits of a Nintendo Made Game“. Keep it coming Slapstic. Video game websites don’t have to be dull after all, thanks to these rare and unique articles made by the likes Ryan Rigney and Slapstic.

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Like many other Thor fans I was among those who missed Thor’s presence in Civil War and World War Hulk. I am also one of those who still believe it should have been Thor, not Tony Stark’s satellite, that stopped the Hulk in WWH. Marvel is aware of the large segment of their fanbase who feels this way, and they finally answered all of us in Hulk #5 with a giant, red ‘Up Yours!’ Red Hulk even acknowledged it when he dragged Thor into space and mentioned Civil War and WWH. (Note to Marvel – your characters demonstrating self-awareness that they are just comic characters isn’t cute or ironic; it’s just dumb. Hulk inexplicably leaving Thor alive on the moon also screams “this is a comic book!”).

And by Odin’s beard – why should gravity have any impact on someone’s ability to wield Mjolnir? Gravity has nothing to do with being able to lift Mjolnir and then smite Thor with it.  Its yet another giant “Up Yours,” this one aimed at 40 years of Thor continuity. How in the name of sanity is Marvel going to reconcile this?!?! All of a sudden Thor is useless in space battles – just grab his hammer and pound him with it. I guess I missed the footnote on Mjolnir’s inscription: “This warranty void in zero gravity environments.” How did Odin overlook that little issue when he placed his enchantment on it? How can I believe that Thor can fight off the Skrulls? Oh, and that ending there’s not one of those characters that would last two seconds against Thor. Yet somehow its all going to conclude next issue with this gang of street level heroes taking down the Red Hulk? Marvel’s preview page told us that this issue featured the battle we’ve all been waiting for. Sorry, I don’t know of anyone who was waiting for this load of crap.

I’d move on from Thor, but there really isn’t much else to talk about. Once again, this issue is decompressed to the point where it takes roughly three or four minutes to read. When Thor and Red Hulk aren’t brawling, Loeb spends a few panels teasing the mystery of Rulk’s identity once again. It’s not even a mystery anymore so much as a case of the characters saying, “I know and I’m not telling!” Fortunately, I stopped caring months ago whether Red Hulk is General Ross or Ares or Onslaught or whoever the pool of candidates includes these days.

I hate that this series is my only outlet for Hulk stories, and I hate that so many great Marvel characters are being dumped upon for no apparent or meaningful reason. Most of all, I hate the fact that this series has sold so many freaking copies. The impressive sales prove that there’s an audience for a story like this, but I’m not part of it. So if you’re in the shop this week, staring at this issue and wondering if you should add it to your stack, think twice.

Our Rating:

Plod rock gains a new meaning

Oasis’s previous album “Don’t Believe the Truth” was a return to form of sorts for Oasis. Noel Gallagher’s impeccable songwriting was matched with a creativity missed since “Standing on the Shoulder of Giants”, even as this later album had its obvious missteps. With the new lineup firing on all cylinders with “Don’t Believe the Truth”, the Oasis fan was ready for the next album that would take them into a musical peak. We kept hearing about thousand piece orchestras layered over each other and grooves that resembled the best of Madchester circa 1990. The new songs were going to be reminiscent of “Columbia” off of their debut album “Definitely Maybe”. With Dig Out Your Soul, Oasis certainly hit a groove, unfortunately it’s a groove as dry and plodding as a rotting piece of wood. With Dig Out Your Soul, Oasis are on autopilot. This can be good for some bands, but definitely not for Oasis, who publicly and consistently pride themselves on antiquity. What Noel Gallagher fails to realize though, is that the justification for antiquity in music can become an antiquated notion itself. This is the sound of “Dig Out Your Soul”.

1.Bag it Up

“Bag it Up”. What a great title. What are we thinking here? Happy Mondays? Stone Roses? Let’s take a listen to the song. It’s here where Dig Out Your Soul starts its plodding ways with a beat that is quite the opposite of a strong groove. Instead, we are given a marching beat and a chord progression reserved for only the most amateur songwriters. Of course, simplicity can be defended here, but for Oasis, simplicity has been defended of them for too long. The vocal melody on this song is just about average. The chorus lacks any sort of sense of contagiousness without the help of an over layered production at the chorus. Strings oddly come in toward the end to try to build suspense within a song without any sense of suspense or ambition. This is the worst opening track Oasis has ever released.

2.The Turning

The Turning is clearly the best song on the album. The song starts off with a shuffle unknown to Oasis before this album. The subtle bass line hints at dub culture that Oasis could probably mine better than most bands if they didn’t listen to Paul Weller so much (musically, and as conversational friends). A piano part comes in driving the groove into a solid surreptitious groove that had been lost since “Go Let it Out”. The vocal melody is solid and crashes into a traditional Oasis chorus, but in the best way possible. It’s instantly addicting and smoothly enters back into the flowing verse that is augmented with a clean sounding hammond. This is the Dig Out Your Soul that we were waiting for. Strong chorus’s and grooves on par with “Go Let it Out” and “D’ya Know what I mean”. It’s a shame that Oasis couldn’t make this song the sonic theme for the rest of the album.

3.Waiting for the Rapture

Noel’s first sung song on the album continues the plodding ways of Bag it Up, but at least gains a sustainable chorus accentuating the power of Noel’s vocals in falsetto. The amount of cock in this song though slightly takes away the strength of the chorus. The second verse is the same as the first except at 1:06 we get one of the most predictable riffs imaginable replying to Noel’s melody. Is this Noels fault? Gems fault? Weller’s fault? The lyrics are obvious enough, and tries to capitalize on the sexual subtleties of Bolan. Bolan’s sexuality though came from outer space; this songs comes from mud in the ground that has become hardened after a rain storm. There is much more room to maneuver with the strength of this chorus. But it doesn’t happen with the plodding beat and predictable guitar leads.

4.The Shock of the Lighting

The first single off Dig Out your Soul is Oasis by the numbers. It’s meat and potatoes Oasis that’s more meat and potatoes than their last meat and potatoes. The verse runs predictably back and forth with Liam singing “come in, come out, come in, come out, tonight”. Truly inspiring. The chorus is above average though, and will certainly become a stadium shout out, which Oasis do better than anyone else. The lyrical content once again shows Oasis intrepidness in antiquated references. If you like Oasis as they always have been, then you will like this song. If you want them to move beyond this into the grooves that Noel sometimes wants to explore, then it’s a disappointment. Oh yeah, Noel’s solo is like the bacon bits from a Ruby Tuesdays Salad bar.

5. I’m Outta Time

Liam’s first song on the album before track 6. Was there any doubt what it would sound like? Was there any doubt that “Double Fantasy” was once again about to be melodically mimicked to massive proportions? For his credit, Liam delivers it well. He knows what he loves, which is 5-10 albums made by Lennon. His vocal melody is nice enough, although obviously derivative. His lyrical content is one of the most enclosed for any pop artist in music today. Sentimentality run-a-muck constitutes this song which has an interlude that sounds identical to Harrison’s guitar work on the White Album. There’s no question what this song would sound like, and it did sound exactly like that, and for this reason it will be an obvious single in Great Britain.

6. Get off Your High Horse Lady

Noel likes Rocky Raccoon. Noel likes The Beatles in case anyone forgot. This may seem like new territory for the passionate Oasis listener, but after the first couple of listens, one can be certain that boredom will sweep over them after continued listens. It doesn’t change at all. What Noel Gallagher continually fails to realize is that you can enlarge the scope of pop music while still retaining strong song craft. The hand claps are nicely produced though. Kudos to Dave Sardy on that. Queue the plodding drumbeat after the chorus, with some mild backups accompanying it. And the same thing continues, on and on, and on and on…

7. Falling Down

One of the stronger moments on Dig Out Your Soul, Falling Down sounded better produced by the Chemical Brothers (the remix is a b-side to Shock of the Lightning). But Noel’s vocal melody is still strong enough to overcome the weak sounding production and messy mix. The drums and bass continue to act below average making you wonder how Andy Bell (bassist) has been able to sustain through the Dig Out Your Soul sessions, knowing that he created some of the most inspiring music in the early 90’s with Ride. You got Noel’s vocal melody to rely on with this song. The music though is messy and average power-rock. Listening to the remix of this song sounds like another missed opportunity at hiring someone different for the production job, which could take Oasis into something truly special.

8. To Be Where There’s Life

It’s Gem’s turn to act like a Beatle in his career with Oasis. This time it’s Harrison with the eastern sitar overlaying most of the song. This song tries to create a consistent groove maybe showing a love for early Stone Roses, but ultimately fails. The groove doesn’t flow and doesn’t show sharpness in hip action. This song will quickly be forgotten. There is nothing special about anything about it. Gem Archer has yet to create a special song in his Oasis career.

9. Ain’t Got Nothing

Liam’s second song on the album isn’t any better than his first. If Oasis fans thought Force of Nature was bad, wait until they hear this. This song is on par with an 8th grade talent show band, except the 8th graders didn’t have the money to get analog sounding 60’s production on their songs. There’s nothing more to say about this song. It’s dry, stale and instantly forgettable.

10. The Nature of Reality

Some good lyrics for Andy’s part. Some of the best he has created actually. But the music speaks otherwise. The Nature of Reality starts off sounding all Helter Skelter-ish, then plods along like the rest of the weakest songs on Dig Your Soul. Everything rhythmically follows each other precisely leaving no room for enlarging the scope of Oasis’s sound. The solo goes off predictably and ends off with traditional feedback and crash cymbal work. The lyrics could have been saved and used elsewhere once Noel got off his own high horse and realized that there is another musical world out there besides the obvious.

11. Soldier On

If the listener hasn’t become extremely bored yet with the album, then they will reach that point with Soldier On. The execution of Solider On is almost comical. The vocal delivery is embarrassing for a band who once created some of the most timeless pop music in the 90’s. There is no way this would pass in Oasis’s heyday; not an A-Side, B-side, or even a leaked demo. The rhythm is the same on this song as the others. It’s dull and slowly moving with no power or passion. There is certainly a consistent groove like the rest of the album, which is dull and soporific.

Stand out Track – The Turning

Our Rating:

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When the SNES was first released, we were first welcomed to Super Mario World for the system. This game was a fine example of what made the SNES great. There was an expansion of characters including Yoshi. There was also a bigger map than its precursor and visual graphics that were as iridescent as they were detailed. The game itself was full of tricks and traps at every angle. The sheer amount of secrets that could be uncovered in this game was exorbitant showing the creativity that went into the design of the game. Mario himself was full of more powerful moves and the castles had a wistful welcoming quality not seen by the other castles in the Mario series. The quality of this game would go over to the rest of the games in the SNES catalogue, especially the illustrious RPG’s that would go down as the best set of games every released for any game system.

Squaresoft came of age during the SNES boom. The symbiosis between the SNES and Squaresoft was significant for the SNES’s success. Every game in this collection read like a story and played seamlessly. Every game in this collection was also as long as a book by Proust. When one played Secret of Mana (a top 10 in our Top 100 Video Games of All Time, they were flown into pure majesty experiencing love, loss and one of the most focused soundtracks of all time. This same quality was epitomized in Chrono Trigger, Illusion of Gaia, and lets not forget, Final Fantasy 3. These games would embody a sophistication not seen since in video game creation. As the video game world is currently more focused on obvious danger and opening taboo’s, it has lost its sense of grandiosity and scope. When one wants to recover these sempiternal qualities, one need only dust off their SNES and plug in any of these games. They will be in a different world.

Beyond the great games made by Squaresoft for the SNES, was Zelda: Link to the Past which we labeled as the greatest game of all time in our top 100 video games of all time. Describing this game in any written form always does no justice to the experience of the game. The same goes for Super Metroid which was full of more mood than a Hitchcock film. The tragic ending to Super Metroid is yet another missed aspect of modern gaming. The Dionysian spirit enveloped in these classic SNES games has been forgotten with modernity’s inconsistence on relative danger. Beyond the adventure games, the SNES also saw the first release of Mario Kart which has become the most enjoyable multi player action for the video game world. Mega Man like Mario became better than its original precursors. Mega Man X was superiorly sophisticated for its time. The storyline moved like a detective novel and Mega Mans new powers were always nuanced. The bosses also became much more creative. The SNES had the ability to make great games even greater like Zelda, Mario, Metroid and Mega Man. No system after has ever accomplished this.

The heart of the success owed to the SNES was due to these quality games that never skimped on quality for holiday sales or release deadlines. All the games were always modestly marketed and were huge pay offs for the gamer who would enjoy hours of fun with these sometimes larger than life games. It was hard to imagine a better catalogue of games than those for the NES. The SNES accomplished this seemingly impossible goal though. When thinking of games like Zelda Link to the Past and Final Fantasy 3, one has a suspicion that these were not just games released for entertainment value, but signatures of creativity that will be remembered for some time to come.

Coming Wednesday: A brand new edition of Ask DestructoMaximo.

Rating:

Lets not forget the illustrious graphics that highlighted animation and graphic design beyond anything else for the time. When one played Mega Man 2, one couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by the design of the dragon boss at the end of Wily’s first fortress level. Everyone who played Mario 3 enjoyed the noticeably colorful characters in the third water level and the intricate world map that spoke of vast adventures ahead. The creativity that went into the design of bosses in the Nintendo era was stunning. While modern technology surely wins in the sophistication department, it often fails in comparison to the creativity that went into a boss for a NES game.

Lets go to the very simple reasons why the Nintendo Entertainment System was an absolute success. How about the universal playability of a game like Mario 1? Who wouldn’t play this game and be hopelessly addicted after 5 minutes of game play? The controls and purpose of the game were simplified so everyone could enjoy the Mushroom Kingdom without asking “What do I do next”? With Mario, the 2d side-scroller became the premiere game design for any video game. The gamer didn’t need to think more than what was in front of him. The gamer always knew the time he had to finish a level and the approximate distance he had to traverse to complete the level. It wasn’t just Mario either that employed the simple 2d side scroller quality to perfection. One could look at the likes of Contra, Duck Tales, and Bionic Commando as other examples of 2d perfection. Don’t think all the games for the NES though were easy to beat just because they were simple to control and simple to understand. As highlighted on our top 10 hardest games of all time, Nintendo could have a penchant for making the gamer work his ass off.

Great games, iridescent graphics, and varying difficulty levels just touches the surface on why the Nintendo is the grand father of the video game market. Anyone who has played a game like Kid Icarus thoroughly could give you even more reasons why the NES was one of the greatest video game systems of all time. Anyone who has played through Zelda 1 and 2 could give you even more reasons why their favorite games of all time happened to be for the NES. Anyone who played the games for the NES era understands the memories and quality that went into playing these games. Many gaming systems after the NES would fail to match the above said qualities. Unlike some of these later systems, the NES wasn’t about being cool. It wasn’t about overwhelming the gamer with special effects and intricate plot lines. The NES was about simple fun with fun progenitors and bosses that anyone could become attached to. That future systems ignored this formula for success was perplexing. It would only further confirm the legacy that the NES had won itself.

Rating:

This board game is one of the most straight up, in your face games ever created. During the era of peace love and happiness, Sir Milton Bradley himself must have been on shrooms with the developers of this action packed game. A land of candy, danger, suspense…and candy! Every stoner’s dream. This game is so straight forward you could probably handle it while being on acid yourself. Flip a card, its color coded! But watch out, sometimes you get a special card, instructing you to go to a certain area of the board. With every flip of the card, you get closer to meeting King Kandy, all the while, he gives you a journey unlike any other.

The first character you meet is Plumpy, for whom I can’t even tell if he is the gingerbread man with a tree growning out of his head, or the weirdo grinning green monster sizing up a deliciously ripe plum. I’m gonna guess he is the delicious looking tree, with plums in his hair. After eating some of nature’s candy, the King sends you to see Mr. Mint, the keeper and hedge trimmer of the Peppermint Forest. It appears that he lives in an arctic area, which makes hacking down the overgrown candy canes a breeze. There isn’t anything in the Peppermint Forest that isn’t made of candy canes, including Mr. Mint and his silly hat. Lord Licorice says hi to you, as you dance by him all hopped up on delicious, nutritious candy canes. He has a pointy nose, and weird cape. Around the bend is the overzealous Jolly, who by the looks of it dropped out of ballet classes and decided to study gumdrops covered in icing.

Filling your belly with the oversized gumdrops, you roll up to Grandma Nut’s house for some freshly made peanut brittle. You don’t get any of them though, because grandma is busy prancing through the fields where peanuts grow. She has a cheerful smile, and hands some peanuts to you, which I wouldn’t really consider as candy. It is quite okay with the King, for he wants you to have protein for your journey! Up ahead you see a young girl dancing around with lollipops sticking out of her head and purple curly hair. Who knew a lolly was just what you wanted after eating a handful of grandma’s nuts.

Just past this field of multi-colored lollipops is Queen Frostine, apparently floating on an ice cream sea that looks like a tub filled with bubbles. Her dress so white and clean she pushes a shovelful of icecream bubbles down your throat and pushes you on your way. You soon are spooked by two white eyes and huge pink tongue sticking out of murky yet delicious molasses swamp. Don’t be scared, its only Gloppy! He is your friend and wants you to taste his sweet treats. You feel the presence of the King close, and don’t fall for Gloppy’s tricks. Ah ha! At last! King Kandy greets you with a huge smile flaunting his ice cream crown and peppermint stick kane. You have finally made it, so hopped up on sugar that there is nothing wrong with the ice cream castle in the background. It looks delicious you think to yourself, as the waffle cone structure sucks you in. Prancing, laughing, stomach hurting you follow the candy laden trail right into the gates of the delicious kastle. Within the walls is an unknown mystical yet sticky sugary paradise, with any kandy you could ever want.

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The premise: Two Italian Brothers with mustaches find a warp zone to the Mushroom Kingdom…At which point these two enter a plumbing nightmare pipe-dream (nothing like a crack reference in a children’s video game. Disclaimer) This is a kingdom so inept that apparently they were conquered by a group of turtles. Which brings us to Mario’s adversary: A tribe called Koopa. They’re an inept bunch, which isn’t saying much for the Mushroom Kingdom which has fallen under their rule. At this point we must ask ourselves if it’s really worth saving a kingdom of midgets who were so easily conquered by a tribe of mindless turtles. Turtles who freely walk off the side of cliffs and plunge to their deaths, or should we sit back and say “Evolution is telling us something here.”

Regardless of their mental short-comings, the Koopa tribe was pretty cool. Take the Hammer Brothers for instance: Turtle-men carpenter brothers jumping back and forth between multi-tiered floating brick platforms, lobbing hammers into space until you scrolled into them. That was always a pretty awesome concept. And don’t even get us started with buzzy, those beetles sure were tough when you got them spinning. Not only did the game have some cool enemies, but it also had more secrets than the Blue Room of a Masonic Lodge. It was one of the first games to actually even have secrets, from the minus world, to hidden boxes to the trick to getting infinite 1-ups in world 3, the game was packed with them.

And we can’t forget to mention the music. Who amongst us has never heard the Super Mario theme song or caught their grandmother tapping her toes to the gentle beats of the water level music? Or who hasn’t felt the pressure when the dungeon music speeds up and you realize you are mere seconds away from running out time? Koji Kondo’s digital symphony has touched each of us in our own special way.

Of course, the highlight of the game was finally saving the princess. She was smokin even though they hadn’t pixelated cleavage yet. This is a game that had it all, bizarre villains, midgets, hot princesses, and wanton fireball destruction. All in all the original Super Mario Brothers was a fun game, but it also taught us some important life lessons: much like you can’t go back on a screen, you can’t go back in life. Once you make a choice you are stuck with it. Eat your vegetables and you’ll grow big and strong, and always chase stars, no matter where they lead you, and if you eat a flower you just end up spitting fire. With a little manual labour you’ll find gold coins in the most unlikely places.

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