A while back we wrote an article about how 2D gaming is better than 3D gaming, which it clearly is. We here at OW have been getting increasingly frustrated with the lack or creativity and push towards realism in games. To address this issue we made some phone calls and told Nintendo that we would have to pull our support if they didn’t rectify this situation. Fearing what in the industry is called the “OW Sega affect”, Nintendo acted quickly and came out with what is easily the greatest game to be released in the 2000’s. So here it is, finally the OW review of the new Super Mario Brothers Wii. After getting back to OWHQ from our holiday vacation our email, snail mail, and fax machine were flooded with messages. Granted a lot of it was our usual fan mail and another good portion of it was our usual hate mail, but mixed in were questions asking; ” I think I like this new Mario game but wanted to know what you guys think?”, “Hi OW, love the site, should I like the new Mario game?”, or “Hi OW, hate the site, should I like the new Mario game?” So to answer the biggest question on the gaming industry’s mind right now, yes you should and can (we give permission) like the new Mario game.

The new Super Mario Brothers Wii is a incredibly creative and infinitely entertaining masterpiece of gaming. Sony and Microsoft should take note as we are losing patience with them. The plot is pretty standard, the princess gets kidnapped, a consistent problem in the mushroom kingdom, and the brothers go after her assisted by two toads. Right from the start the game is entertaining the maps are reminiscent of Mario 3 though the levels themselves are more like Mario World minus all the dinosaurs. Each level is super creative and it is obvious that significant amount of time was spent on level design. Even when the levels get super difficult, especially world 8 you can’t help but think wow this level is awesome, despite the fact that you just died a million times.

During your pursuit of the princess you have to defeat each Koopling twice per world, and Bowser jr. a few times on the airship. Each of these boss battles are far more creative than anything in Mario 3 or Mario World. The fist encounter is in the fortress and is usually a simplified version of the final battle. Some highlights are fighting Iggy in the last castle of the jungle world and Ludwig in cloud world. To augment Mario’s plumbing skills against this band of turtle creatures, a number of Power-ups are available. The standard mushroom, fire flower, and Yoshi return, but with them come some new ones, the ice flower, helicopter hat, mini mushroom, and penguin suit. Each power-up is unique, fun, and useful. The helicopter hat, our personal favorite, allows you to fly when you shake the remote, another creative aspect of the game. The ice flower can diffuse some fire and turns everything to blocks of ice which can then be thrown at other enemies or smashed to pieces. The most interesting use is to access secret areas by freezing certain enemies in just the right place or floating up through water jets. The penguin suit is a much more powerful frog suit from Mario 3. It gives you extreme swimming power, ice flower power, you can run and slide, and let’s be honest who doesn’t look good in a penguin suit? Finally the game designers seemed to add a challenge to the game with the mini mushroom, which isn’t exactly a power up, but does allow you to run on water and go into tiny pipes. Our only complaint is that you don’t see Yoshi enough throughout the game and you don’t get to keep him when you beat the level with him.

The fun begins when you play with multiple people, actually the more people you play with the more difficult the game becomes. Everyone gets in everyone’s way and death rates quickly mount. ZM and myself beat the game after a few days with considerable swearing, threats, and tons of laughs. Unlike the earlier Super Mario Brothers games, where even in two player mode you are basically just playing one player games, this time you are all in the level at the same time. What’s worse is that you get into each other’s way, can pick each other up, throw things at each other, kill each other, and generally make even the simplest level turn into absolute chaos. Yoshi also becomes more fun with multiple players as you can eat your friends and then spit them out where ever need be. Another version of the multiplayer game are the battles, the coin battles being the most fun in our opinion. Here all the chaos makes sense, you have to kill the other players and get the coins. We honestly spent hours playing this part of the game sometimes getting very few coins because most of our time was spent trying to murder each other.

Sadly had this game existed when we were children ZM and myself would have been the fat losers we described in out hardcore gamer list. OW has flexed it’s mighty arms and world is turning back towards fun 2D games instead of realistic wastes of graphics. The game derives it’s strength from it’s simplicity, the graphics are crisp and fun, and the game play is fully enjoyable. The only confusion is why two random toads come along for the adventure instead of one of the other cast of characters. The toads can become a little confusing in the multiplayer games with all the color changes and what not (especially when they both have afire flower or an ice flower). Some reviewers criticize the game because there isn’t an online way to play. To them we say “get real friends, you losers.” Half the fun is yelling at each other while you’re in the same room. If that’s your one complaint about the game you’re only complaining for the sake of complaining, and you probably have no real friends.

Nintendo need not fear, OW will continue it’s support for the time being, but our expectations have been raised. We hope Nintendo follows up with a new Zelda game on the Wii with the same format as Link to the Past (and why not make that a multiplayer game also). Sega on the other hand continues to be on our shit list and will still not be allowed to make a new system. For now they are denigrated to making games for their one time biggest competitors until we decide otherwise. As for the other game produces they should take note of the power we here at OW wield. With a single swipe of the OW sword companies fall, lives are changed, and fates are decided. We hope the age of realism in games is in it’s death throws. If not we might have to make some decisions, no longer will OW sit idly by while terrible games like Pokemon, Sonic the hedgehog, and Killzone 2 are made. Gaming industry you’ve been warned!

Our Rating:

Left 4 Dead plays almost identical to Resident Evil. Not only does it play like the earlier game, but it looks almost identical to it also. There is no improvement in the graphics either, which is a disappointment for a game that obviously gets its inspiration from the Playstation games of the genre. Left 4 Dead though does have quite a few more explosions and quite a few more zombies to kill. But you better have great vision because much of this game leaves you in the dark with only a spotlight trying to kill zombies who act just like zombies from past games.

If there is something to be said about Left 4 Dead, it is the extremely smooth controlling in the game. The switching of guns and character movements are pleasing when trying to kill a room full of zombies in optimal time. The movements are quick and react perfectly with the controller. The same can’t be said for other games in this genre, like most of the Resident Evil games. If there’s one plus to this game it is that it’s too much like the Resident Evil games, except for the better controlling

Your character in Left 4 Dead dies much of the same way that protagonists die in previous games in the genre. Zombies come out of nowhere, jump on you, and blood comes gushing out, which can be scary if this is the first “zombie shooter” you have ever played in your life. If you’re reading this article though, we’re pretty sure that you’ve played them all. The zombies die the same, you die the same, your partners die the same. Everything is just (*sigh) the same.

This is not to say that someone who immensely enjoys killing zombies with a numerous amount of guns will be disappointed with this game. The continuity between the different areas is seamless, and will give the gamer a sense of satisfaction knowing that they’ve passed an area even though it doesn’t say so on the screen. You’ve got your partners healing you, you’ve got your big guns making machine gun noises, and you got zombies that are either meager and easy to beat, or ones that are so difficult that you’ll end up using all the ammo of your assault rifle to destroy (women zombies to be exact!)

The most disappointing part of the game is the graphics, and not just the lack of use of the 360’s full graphical capabilities, but the lack of creativity that went into the scene making. The graffiti looks plain, the characters look average, the zombies look like obvious hunched-backed humans. Nothing stands out visually in the game, which is a must for a game that tries to capitalize on an already successful genre of video games. The few creative moments are not visual, and come down to throwing a molotov cocktail to block off zombies from attacking you from a specific area. If you can’t get enough of this type of game play, then you will enjoy Left 4 Dead. If you’re looking for something new in the first person shooter genre, then this game is nowhere close to the ingenuity you’re looking for.

Our Rating:

Click here for an explanation of our rating system.

Like many other Thor fans I was among those who missed Thor’s presence in Civil War and World War Hulk. I am also one of those who still believe it should have been Thor, not Tony Stark’s satellite, that stopped the Hulk in WWH. Marvel is aware of the large segment of their fanbase who feels this way, and they finally answered all of us in Hulk #5 with a giant, red ‘Up Yours!’ Red Hulk even acknowledged it when he dragged Thor into space and mentioned Civil War and WWH. (Note to Marvel – your characters demonstrating self-awareness that they are just comic characters isn’t cute or ironic; it’s just dumb. Hulk inexplicably leaving Thor alive on the moon also screams “this is a comic book!”).

And by Odin’s beard – why should gravity have any impact on someone’s ability to wield Mjolnir? Gravity has nothing to do with being able to lift Mjolnir and then smite Thor with it.  Its yet another giant “Up Yours,” this one aimed at 40 years of Thor continuity. How in the name of sanity is Marvel going to reconcile this?!?! All of a sudden Thor is useless in space battles – just grab his hammer and pound him with it. I guess I missed the footnote on Mjolnir’s inscription: “This warranty void in zero gravity environments.” How did Odin overlook that little issue when he placed his enchantment on it? How can I believe that Thor can fight off the Skrulls? Oh, and that ending there’s not one of those characters that would last two seconds against Thor. Yet somehow its all going to conclude next issue with this gang of street level heroes taking down the Red Hulk? Marvel’s preview page told us that this issue featured the battle we’ve all been waiting for. Sorry, I don’t know of anyone who was waiting for this load of crap.

I’d move on from Thor, but there really isn’t much else to talk about. Once again, this issue is decompressed to the point where it takes roughly three or four minutes to read. When Thor and Red Hulk aren’t brawling, Loeb spends a few panels teasing the mystery of Rulk’s identity once again. It’s not even a mystery anymore so much as a case of the characters saying, “I know and I’m not telling!” Fortunately, I stopped caring months ago whether Red Hulk is General Ross or Ares or Onslaught or whoever the pool of candidates includes these days.

I hate that this series is my only outlet for Hulk stories, and I hate that so many great Marvel characters are being dumped upon for no apparent or meaningful reason. Most of all, I hate the fact that this series has sold so many freaking copies. The impressive sales prove that there’s an audience for a story like this, but I’m not part of it. So if you’re in the shop this week, staring at this issue and wondering if you should add it to your stack, think twice.

Our Rating:

Plod rock gains a new meaning

Oasis’s previous album “Don’t Believe the Truth” was a return to form of sorts for Oasis. Noel Gallagher’s impeccable songwriting was matched with a creativity missed since “Standing on the Shoulder of Giants”, even as this later album had its obvious missteps. With the new lineup firing on all cylinders with “Don’t Believe the Truth”, the Oasis fan was ready for the next album that would take them into a musical peak. We kept hearing about thousand piece orchestras layered over each other and grooves that resembled the best of Madchester circa 1990. The new songs were going to be reminiscent of “Columbia” off of their debut album “Definitely Maybe”. With Dig Out Your Soul, Oasis certainly hit a groove, unfortunately it’s a groove as dry and plodding as a rotting piece of wood. With Dig Out Your Soul, Oasis are on autopilot. This can be good for some bands, but definitely not for Oasis, who publicly and consistently pride themselves on antiquity. What Noel Gallagher fails to realize though, is that the justification for antiquity in music can become an antiquated notion itself. This is the sound of “Dig Out Your Soul”.

1.Bag it Up

“Bag it Up”. What a great title. What are we thinking here? Happy Mondays? Stone Roses? Let’s take a listen to the song. It’s here where Dig Out Your Soul starts its plodding ways with a beat that is quite the opposite of a strong groove. Instead, we are given a marching beat and a chord progression reserved for only the most amateur songwriters. Of course, simplicity can be defended here, but for Oasis, simplicity has been defended of them for too long. The vocal melody on this song is just about average. The chorus lacks any sort of sense of contagiousness without the help of an over layered production at the chorus. Strings oddly come in toward the end to try to build suspense within a song without any sense of suspense or ambition. This is the worst opening track Oasis has ever released.

2.The Turning

The Turning is clearly the best song on the album. The song starts off with a shuffle unknown to Oasis before this album. The subtle bass line hints at dub culture that Oasis could probably mine better than most bands if they didn’t listen to Paul Weller so much (musically, and as conversational friends). A piano part comes in driving the groove into a solid surreptitious groove that had been lost since “Go Let it Out”. The vocal melody is solid and crashes into a traditional Oasis chorus, but in the best way possible. It’s instantly addicting and smoothly enters back into the flowing verse that is augmented with a clean sounding hammond. This is the Dig Out Your Soul that we were waiting for. Strong chorus’s and grooves on par with “Go Let it Out” and “D’ya Know what I mean”. It’s a shame that Oasis couldn’t make this song the sonic theme for the rest of the album.

3.Waiting for the Rapture

Noel’s first sung song on the album continues the plodding ways of Bag it Up, but at least gains a sustainable chorus accentuating the power of Noel’s vocals in falsetto. The amount of cock in this song though slightly takes away the strength of the chorus. The second verse is the same as the first except at 1:06 we get one of the most predictable riffs imaginable replying to Noel’s melody. Is this Noels fault? Gems fault? Weller’s fault? The lyrics are obvious enough, and tries to capitalize on the sexual subtleties of Bolan. Bolan’s sexuality though came from outer space; this songs comes from mud in the ground that has become hardened after a rain storm. There is much more room to maneuver with the strength of this chorus. But it doesn’t happen with the plodding beat and predictable guitar leads.

4.The Shock of the Lighting

The first single off Dig Out your Soul is Oasis by the numbers. It’s meat and potatoes Oasis that’s more meat and potatoes than their last meat and potatoes. The verse runs predictably back and forth with Liam singing “come in, come out, come in, come out, tonight”. Truly inspiring. The chorus is above average though, and will certainly become a stadium shout out, which Oasis do better than anyone else. The lyrical content once again shows Oasis intrepidness in antiquated references. If you like Oasis as they always have been, then you will like this song. If you want them to move beyond this into the grooves that Noel sometimes wants to explore, then it’s a disappointment. Oh yeah, Noel’s solo is like the bacon bits from a Ruby Tuesdays Salad bar.

5. I’m Outta Time

Liam’s first song on the album before track 6. Was there any doubt what it would sound like? Was there any doubt that “Double Fantasy” was once again about to be melodically mimicked to massive proportions? For his credit, Liam delivers it well. He knows what he loves, which is 5-10 albums made by Lennon. His vocal melody is nice enough, although obviously derivative. His lyrical content is one of the most enclosed for any pop artist in music today. Sentimentality run-a-muck constitutes this song which has an interlude that sounds identical to Harrison’s guitar work on the White Album. There’s no question what this song would sound like, and it did sound exactly like that, and for this reason it will be an obvious single in Great Britain.

6. Get off Your High Horse Lady

Noel likes Rocky Raccoon. Noel likes The Beatles in case anyone forgot. This may seem like new territory for the passionate Oasis listener, but after the first couple of listens, one can be certain that boredom will sweep over them after continued listens. It doesn’t change at all. What Noel Gallagher continually fails to realize is that you can enlarge the scope of pop music while still retaining strong song craft. The hand claps are nicely produced though. Kudos to Dave Sardy on that. Queue the plodding drumbeat after the chorus, with some mild backups accompanying it. And the same thing continues, on and on, and on and on…

7. Falling Down

One of the stronger moments on Dig Out Your Soul, Falling Down sounded better produced by the Chemical Brothers (the remix is a b-side to Shock of the Lightning). But Noel’s vocal melody is still strong enough to overcome the weak sounding production and messy mix. The drums and bass continue to act below average making you wonder how Andy Bell (bassist) has been able to sustain through the Dig Out Your Soul sessions, knowing that he created some of the most inspiring music in the early 90’s with Ride. You got Noel’s vocal melody to rely on with this song. The music though is messy and average power-rock. Listening to the remix of this song sounds like another missed opportunity at hiring someone different for the production job, which could take Oasis into something truly special.

8. To Be Where There’s Life

It’s Gem’s turn to act like a Beatle in his career with Oasis. This time it’s Harrison with the eastern sitar overlaying most of the song. This song tries to create a consistent groove maybe showing a love for early Stone Roses, but ultimately fails. The groove doesn’t flow and doesn’t show sharpness in hip action. This song will quickly be forgotten. There is nothing special about anything about it. Gem Archer has yet to create a special song in his Oasis career.

9. Ain’t Got Nothing

Liam’s second song on the album isn’t any better than his first. If Oasis fans thought Force of Nature was bad, wait until they hear this. This song is on par with an 8th grade talent show band, except the 8th graders didn’t have the money to get analog sounding 60’s production on their songs. There’s nothing more to say about this song. It’s dry, stale and instantly forgettable.

10. The Nature of Reality

Some good lyrics for Andy’s part. Some of the best he has created actually. But the music speaks otherwise. The Nature of Reality starts off sounding all Helter Skelter-ish, then plods along like the rest of the weakest songs on Dig Your Soul. Everything rhythmically follows each other precisely leaving no room for enlarging the scope of Oasis’s sound. The solo goes off predictably and ends off with traditional feedback and crash cymbal work. The lyrics could have been saved and used elsewhere once Noel got off his own high horse and realized that there is another musical world out there besides the obvious.

11. Soldier On

If the listener hasn’t become extremely bored yet with the album, then they will reach that point with Soldier On. The execution of Solider On is almost comical. The vocal delivery is embarrassing for a band who once created some of the most timeless pop music in the 90’s. There is no way this would pass in Oasis’s heyday; not an A-Side, B-side, or even a leaked demo. The rhythm is the same on this song as the others. It’s dull and slowly moving with no power or passion. There is certainly a consistent groove like the rest of the album, which is dull and soporific.

Stand out Track – The Turning

Our Rating:

Click here for an explanation of our rating system.

When the SNES was first released, we were first welcomed to Super Mario World for the system. This game was a fine example of what made the SNES great. There was an expansion of characters including Yoshi. There was also a bigger map than its precursor and visual graphics that were as iridescent as they were detailed. The game itself was full of tricks and traps at every angle. The sheer amount of secrets that could be uncovered in this game was exorbitant showing the creativity that went into the design of the game. Mario himself was full of more powerful moves and the castles had a wistful welcoming quality not seen by the other castles in the Mario series. The quality of this game would go over to the rest of the games in the SNES catalogue, especially the illustrious RPG’s that would go down as the best set of games every released for any game system.

Squaresoft came of age during the SNES boom. The symbiosis between the SNES and Squaresoft was significant for the SNES’s success. Every game in this collection read like a story and played seamlessly. Every game in this collection was also as long as a book by Proust. When one played Secret of Mana (a top 10 in our Top 100 Video Games of All Time, they were flown into pure majesty experiencing love, loss and one of the most focused soundtracks of all time. This same quality was epitomized in Chrono Trigger, Illusion of Gaia, and lets not forget, Final Fantasy 3. These games would embody a sophistication not seen since in video game creation. As the video game world is currently more focused on obvious danger and opening taboo’s, it has lost its sense of grandiosity and scope. When one wants to recover these sempiternal qualities, one need only dust off their SNES and plug in any of these games. They will be in a different world.

Beyond the great games made by Squaresoft for the SNES, was Zelda: Link to the Past which we labeled as the greatest game of all time in our top 100 video games of all time. Describing this game in any written form always does no justice to the experience of the game. The same goes for Super Metroid which was full of more mood than a Hitchcock film. The tragic ending to Super Metroid is yet another missed aspect of modern gaming. The Dionysian spirit enveloped in these classic SNES games has been forgotten with modernity’s inconsistence on relative danger. Beyond the adventure games, the SNES also saw the first release of Mario Kart which has become the most enjoyable multi player action for the video game world. Mega Man like Mario became better than its original precursors. Mega Man X was superiorly sophisticated for its time. The storyline moved like a detective novel and Mega Mans new powers were always nuanced. The bosses also became much more creative. The SNES had the ability to make great games even greater like Zelda, Mario, Metroid and Mega Man. No system after has ever accomplished this.

The heart of the success owed to the SNES was due to these quality games that never skimped on quality for holiday sales or release deadlines. All the games were always modestly marketed and were huge pay offs for the gamer who would enjoy hours of fun with these sometimes larger than life games. It was hard to imagine a better catalogue of games than those for the NES. The SNES accomplished this seemingly impossible goal though. When thinking of games like Zelda Link to the Past and Final Fantasy 3, one has a suspicion that these were not just games released for entertainment value, but signatures of creativity that will be remembered for some time to come.

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Coming Wednesday: A brand new edition of Ask DestructoMaximo.

Let’s not forget the illustrious graphics that highlighted animation and graphic design beyond anything else for the time. When one played Mega Man 2, one couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by the design of the dragon boss at the end of Wiley’s first fortress level. Everyone who played Mario 3 enjoyed the noticeably colorful characters in the third water level and the intricate world map that spoke of vast adventures ahead. The creativity that went into the design of bosses in the Nintendo era was stunning. While modern technology surely wins in the sophistication department, it often fails in comparison to the creativity that went into a boss for a NES game.

Lets go to the very simple reasons why the Nintendo Entertainment System was an absolute success. How about the universal playability of a game like Mario 1? Who wouldn’t play this game and be hopelessly addicted after 5 minutes of game play? The controls and purpose of the game were simplified so everyone could enjoy the Mushroom Kingdom without asking “What do I do next”? With Mario, the 2d side-scroller became the premiere game design for any video game. The gamer didn’t need to think more than what was in front of him. The gamer always knew the time he had to finish a level and the approximate distance he had to traverse to complete the level. It wasn’t just Mario either that employed the simple 2d side scroller quality to perfection. One could look at the likes of Contra, Duck Tales, and Bionic Commando as other examples of 2d perfection. Don’t think all the games for the NES though were easy to beat just because they were simple to control and simple to understand. As highlighted on our top 10 hardest games of all time, Nintendo could have a penchant for making the gamer work his ass off.

Great games, iridescent graphics, and varying difficulty levels just touches the surface on why the Nintendo is the grand father of the video game market. Anyone who has played a game like Kid Icarus thoroughly could give you even more reasons why the NES was one of the greatest video game systems of all time. Anyone who has played through Zelda 1 and 2 could give you even more reasons why their favorite games of all time happened to be for the NES. Anyone who played the games for the NES era understands the memories and quality that went into playing these games. Many gaming systems after the NES would fail to match the above said qualities. Unlike some of these later systems, the NES wasn’t about being cool. It wasn’t about overwhelming the gamer with special effects and intricate plot lines. The NES was about simple fun with fun progenitors and bosses that anyone could become attached to. That future systems ignored this formula for success was perplexing. It would only further confirm the legacy that the NES had won itself.

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This board game is one of the most straight up, in your face games ever created. During the era of peace love and happiness, Sir Milton Bradley himself must have been on shrooms with the developers of this action packed game. A land of candy, danger, suspense…and candy! Every stoner’s dream. This game is so straight forward you could probably handle it while being on acid yourself. Flip a card, its color coded! But watch out, sometimes you get a special card, instructing you to go to a certain area of the board. With every flip of the card, you get closer to meeting King Kandy, all the while, he gives you a journey unlike any other.

The first character you meet is Plumpy, for whom I can’t even tell if he is the gingerbread man with a tree growning out of his head, or the weirdo grinning green monster sizing up a deliciously ripe plum. I’m gonna guess he is the delicious looking tree, with plums in his hair. After eating some of nature’s candy, the King sends you to see Mr. Mint, the keeper and hedge trimmer of the Peppermint Forest. It appears that he lives in an arctic area, which makes hacking down the overgrown candy canes a breeze. There isn’t anything in the Peppermint Forest that isn’t made of candy canes, including Mr. Mint and his silly hat. Lord Licorice says hi to you, as you dance by him all hopped up on delicious, nutritious candy canes. He has a pointy nose, and weird cape. Around the bend is the overzealous Jolly, who by the looks of it dropped out of ballet classes and decided to study gumdrops covered in icing.

Filling your belly with the oversized gumdrops, you roll up to Grandma Nut’s house for some freshly made peanut brittle. You don’t get any of them though, because grandma is busy prancing through the fields where peanuts grow. She has a cheerful smile, and hands some peanuts to you, which I wouldn’t really consider as candy. It is quite okay with the King, for he wants you to have protein for your journey! Up ahead you see a young girl dancing around with lollipops sticking out of her head and purple curly hair. Who knew a lolly was just what you wanted after eating a handful of grandma’s nuts.

Just past this field of multi-colored lollipops is Queen Frostine, apparently floating on an ice cream sea that looks like a tub filled with bubbles. Her dress so white and clean she pushes a shovelful of icecream bubbles down your throat and pushes you on your way. You soon are spooked by two white eyes and huge pink tongue sticking out of murky yet delicious molasses swamp. Don’t be scared, its only Gloppy! He is your friend and wants you to taste his sweet treats. You feel the presence of the King close, and don’t fall for Gloppy’s tricks. Ah ha! At last! King Kandy greets you with a huge smile flaunting his ice cream crown and peppermint stick kane. You have finally made it, so hopped up on sugar that there is nothing wrong with the ice cream castle in the background. It looks delicious you think to yourself, as the waffle cone structure sucks you in. Prancing, laughing, stomach hurting you follow the candy laden trail right into the gates of the delicious kastle. Within the walls is an unknown mystical yet sticky sugary paradise, with any kandy you could ever want.

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At the end of the construction platform you meet up with Jeff Goldblum, errr…we mean mean Baxter. Be afraid, be very afraid. After realizing you can simply wait in the lower right hand corner until he lands, where you can then can swat him with your ninja skills, you then move onto the mean streets of the Alleycat Blues. After pwning some more foot soldiers, you meet up with Metalhead, who proudly exclaims “I’m going to mangle you green slimballs.” Yep the spelling mistake read around the world. If there was any level in a video game that I would have loved to last longer, sewer surfing comes to mind. This level was radical. Bring it to the turtle’s turf. The sewer provides a safe haven for the anomalous, the freakish, and the banished. The Penguin should have made a cameo in this level. After defeating the Rat King and with plenty of bandages on your turtle foot we proceed to a structure which looks like the Epcot Center from hell. That’s right, the Technodrome. After battling Tokka and Rahzar, a ride on the hellevator, and tossing some ninjas at Shredder, the time travel adventure begins.

The shred man sends the turtles back 2.5 billion years ago by means unknown; possibly a stargate. The heroes in a half shell then encounter a world of dinosaurs, forests, charging rock men, who for some reason feel the need to wear helmets, and the mighty Slash. At this point the turtles just want to take a breather to figure out what has happened to them. Good thing the lovely April O’Neil was some how there to tell the intrepid time travelers to fight. She’s such an instigator. Now battling Slash is a pain in the shell. This sharp looking turtle makes it nearly impossible to deliver two consecutive hard blows. This is just all wrong. In reality this date of 2.5 billion years is between the Paleoproterozoic and Archean eras, neither of which had dinosaurs or even vegetation! And wasn’t Slash the pet of Bebop? Frustrations subsided and with the proud exclamation of “cowabunga” our friends set sail with the Jolly Roger. Like sideshow Bob and the garden rake, it became clear that the loose floor boards quickly became the turtle’s nemesis in this level. Bebop and Rocksteady wait at the ships stern, and the turtles need only to send them to Davy Jones’ locker. Savvy?

Next came “Bury my shell at wounded knee.” This was one of the all time dumbest levels in video game history. To further support this statement, we see the rock guys carrying I-beams. However, Leatherhead is a pretty cool villain, and is easily derailed.

Now its back to the future. An excellent exploit of mode 7 is the Neon Night-Riders level. Akin to F-Zero, this is the second surfing level in the game. As an easy level to defeat its good to take the time an admire the cityscape of the future ahead of you, which may be nothing but a breeding ground for tranks, lobos, and zipheads. It takes no time at all to drop Super Krang form the sky and move on to the Starbase. I’ve always felt bad about destroying some of the robots in this level; particularly the robots that resembled Jinx from Space Camp. That loveable bucket of bolts held a place in my heart as a true friend. Alas, the turtles are on a mission and this level is the second to last in the game. Taking down Krang in his spaceship, the turtles are brought back to the present (1991, wow) and face Super-Shredder. Dodging the anti-mutagen blast is key. And to defeat this mutated SOB simply wait until after each freeze ray and then attack.

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The premise: Two Italian Brothers with mustaches find a warp zone to the Mushroom Kingdom…At which point these two enter a plumbing nightmare pipe-dream (nothing like a crack reference in a children’s video game. Disclaimer) This is a kingdom so inept that apparently they were conquered by a group of turtles. Which brings us to Mario’s adversary: A tribe called Koopa. They’re an inept bunch, which isn’t saying much for the Mushroom Kingdom which has fallen under their rule. At this point we must ask ourselves if it’s really worth saving a kingdom of midgets who were so easily conquered by a tribe of mindless turtles. Turtles who freely walk off the side of cliffs and plunge to their deaths, or should we sit back and say “Evolution is telling us something here.”

Regardless of their mental short-comings, the Koopa tribe was pretty cool. Take the Hammer Brothers for instance: Turtle-men carpenter brothers jumping back and forth between multi-tiered floating brick platforms, lobbing hammers into space until you scrolled into them. That was always a pretty awesome concept. And don’t even get us started with buzzy, those beetles sure were tough when you got them spinning. Not only did the game have some cool enemies, but it also had more secrets than the Blue Room of a Masonic Lodge. It was one of the first games to actually even have secrets, from the minus world, to hidden boxes to the trick to getting infinite 1-ups in world 3, the game was packed with them.

And we can’t forget to mention the music. Who amongst us has never heard the Super Mario theme song or caught their grandmother tapping her toes to the gentle beats of the water level music? Or who hasn’t felt the pressure when the dungeon music speeds up and you realize you are mere seconds away from running out time? Koji Kondo’s digital symphony has touched each of us in our own special way.

Of course, the highlight of the game was finally saving the princess. She was smokin even though they hadn’t pixelated cleavage yet. This is a game that had it all, bizarre villains, midgets, hot princesses, and wanton fireball destruction. All in all the original Super Mario Brothers was a fun game, but it also taught us some important life lessons: much like you can’t go back on a screen, you can’t go back in life. Once you make a choice you are stuck with it. Eat your vegetables and you’ll grow big and strong, and always chase stars, no matter where they lead you, and if you eat a flower you just end up spitting fire. With a little manual labour you’ll find gold coins in the most unlikely places.

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