In recent centuries the world has been racked with animal on animal violence. You need not look further than Animal Planet, Discovery Channel, and sometimes History Channel (check local listings). Every where we look some animal is killing another animal. But why? Is it for food? Are the creatures pre-programed to hate each other? Or has gang warfare spilled over into the animal kingdom? Only recently, since man has evolved hunting and tracking capabilities, has human on animal violence escalated. Some people, so called ’scientists’, have postulated that these behaviors are what allowed human beings to become the dominate species on our planet. A quick look out the window, if you live in an urban area at least, shows you that yes there are a lot of humans everywhere. But why has modern man chosen to still attack, kill, capture, and even eat animals? Is it because proteins obtained from meat and poultry are essential to a healthy diet? Is it because a number of domesticated species would no longer be able to survive on their own without human intervention? Or is it because of the destructive influence a certain video game has had on the populace?  As we have shown in previous articles, all violence in society can be blamed on video games, so it only make sense that animal cruelty must also be the fault of video games.

The game blamed for this recent surge in animal violence is, of course, Pokemon. In the game young children are encouraged to run away from home, live in remote areas, capture rare animals by forcing them to fight other rare animals, and then force them to live in small balls. A trip to a local pet store is all one needs to see the destructive influence Pokemon has had on the average pet owners. Small plastic balls are readily available for a number of different species. These balls force the animal to roam the house, walking in their own waste, attempting to free themselves before they are thrown at another animal and forced to fight it out for no reason what so ever. Small groups of children have been found wondering state parks attempting to capture animals and force them to fight each other. In a number of incidents the animals turned on their owners and mauled them. Not too long ago Michael Vick, and avid Pokemon fan, was arrested for running a dog fighting ring.

What is more disturbing is the far reaching nature of Pokemon. Because the advertising campaign was so wide spread and most people are so stupid, nearly everyone in the targeted age group was quickly swept up in the so called ‘pokemania’ leading to ‘poke-animal-abuse,’ ‘poke-black-market-trafficking,’ and eventually ‘poke-federal-prison.’ The U.S. Federal prison system is brimming with twelve year olds who played pokemon and then tried to buy a lion cub on the black market. Children could be seen jumping the protective barriers at zoo’s attempting to catch a rhino or battle a bear. Fighting fish sales jumped through the roof. Dog fighting, cat fighting, and in one disturbing case sheep fighting rings popped up with alarming numbers. Throughout the nineties and into the 2000’s local and federal agencies worked tirelessly to stop young kids from becoming wrapped up in the Poke-craze that put so many in jail. Similar to the DARE program, “Don’t catch any of them” campaigns were started. Though they had some impact little could be done to stop this violent trend.

Finally the poke-phenomenon has started to fade and so have the animal fighting rings. These strange events have shown us once again that video games cause more problems than the solve. If it weren’t for Pokemon most of the world would probably be vegetarian. With every new release of ‘different versions’ of Pokemon fears of violent resurgence worry the animal lover community.

5. No Music

How the hell can a game as boring as Joust not have any music? The one thing that can make an otherwise shitty game, or an enormously difficult game (Bayou Billly for example) good is a good soundtrack. If Joust is unplayable because of how boring it was, then it would be nice for it to have a good soundtrack to dance to while the game was going on. I wouldn’t have to play the game at all. I wouldn’t even have to look at the screen. I could just get enveloped by a good soundtrack. Not so with joust. There is nothing, except poor sounds (which is the next reason).

4. Shitty Sound Effects

Joust has the worst sound effects of any game I’ve ever played. To the game’s credit, the wings sounded like something that I have never heard in my life before. It sounded like a car wash come to think of it. The lava moving sounded like a refrigerator busting. The fireball shooting sounds seriously sounded like taking a shit. I know how hard it was for older games to mimic the sounds they were trying to mimic, but Joust just did a shitty job. Listen to them so you can judge for yourself.

3. The screen never changed

Pac-man could get away with a never changing screen, but as far as Joust goes, this is one of the major reasons for its downfall. Joust didn’t work as a simple game. It was just too boring (which we’ll discuss later in the article). Having to stay on the same screen with floating pieces of land and a poor looking excuse for a mythical dragon and sword would get tiresome quick.

2. The illustration on game cover was better than the game itself

Whenever a game’s outside cover illustration is better than the game itself, you know the game has to be shitty. You look at the outside cover of Joust and you’re thinking that you’re about to play a game as grandiose as Kid Icarus. You pop in the game and you’re playing an absolute snooze fest, flying around on God knows what, shooting something that looks like pieces of turd; Next time a game comes out that is this boring, please make a shitty cover so the gamer knows that he is going to be playing a shitty game. The cover gets our hopes up way too much, as opposed to a game like Mega Man. After looking at the poor cover of that game, you were actually thrilled to find out how great the game was.

1. Boring as hell

The number 1 reason not to play Joust is because of how boring it is. The art of simplicity was mastered by games like Pacman and Tetris. This same theme was attempted by games like Joust and Elevator Action. Both of these games are bad examples of simplicity. There was something fun about moving a chomper around a maze running away from ghosts. On the same token, there was something fun about fitting blocks into spaces. Flying an mythical winged creature around one screen bumping into others did not hold the entertaining power of the former games. It was simple, and it was dull as fuck. Joust proves that the whole adage of “making things more simple” doesn’t always work. There is a great possibility that the simplicity that goes into the game development makes it boring as hell.

Related Posts: Top 20 Worst Video Games of All Time

In our last investigative report we covered the real world violence that Donkey Kong had caused between plumbers and gorillas. In this report we take a look at another game that rocked both the United States and the world abroad. This game was, of course, Q*bert. Before Q*bert’s release in 1982, pyramids were known as the most peaceful of all three dimensional geometries, and afterward they were known only as places of violence and graffiti. Q*bert was a violent foray into a dark and dangerous world, where people’s heads and color schemes were the target of malicious attacks.

Although human sacrifice had been commonplace atop the Mayan pyramids for centuries, it was not until the release of Q*bert in 1982 that the first ever report of violence atop one of the Egyptian pyramids was recorded. A small group of tourists were enjoying their walk up the steps of one of Egypt’s smaller pyramids, when a gang of kids, hopped up on glue and video games, began jumping down the pyramid trying to paint it blue. Many of the tourists suffered tremendous neck and head injuries as well as terrible mental distress and an inability to look at the color blue ever again.

Similar incidents began to happen at the great pyramids in Egypt. Aside from a small skirmish between a group of Dutch tourists and angry natives that took place on the eastern slope of the great pyramid in 1921, the Egyptian great pyramids have been amongst the most peaceful of the ancient wonders of the world. However, after the release of Q*bert, one British man climbed to the top of the pyramid and demanded that the entire pyramid be painted red or he would jump on everyone trying to remove him. Sadly he tripped and fell to his death before he could be removed and treated for his mania.

Violence began to spill over from the pyramids onto the streets of some major cities throughout the world. Stairs began to replace pyramids, and most cities had to enact laws preventing people from walking down more than one stair at a time. Forcing many people to serve time for simply trying to get out of work faster or trying to catch that train as it pulled up to the station. Many people would only use the handicap ramps and elevators for years after the release of Q*bert. In one incidence an old women was stuck in her older apartment building which had neither a ramp nor an elevator. Fire fighters were called in to remove her.

This game once again shows that video games, without a doubt, are the cause of violence in the real world. Before Q*bert, stairs and pyramids were safe, wholesome, and family oriented geometrical shapes. Afterward, these same places were quagmires of gangs and graffiti, no place for families or fun. If the world keeps putting out games of this nature, we can expect similar reactions from the consumer. As we all know, when the American public are given some new piece of culture they ultimately turn it into something depraved and violent. Video games are to blame.

Related Posts: OW: Investigative Report: Violence in Video Games, Part 1: Donkey Kong

10. People who try to defend the Sega Genesis over the SNES

We’ve had numerous encounters with these people throughout Old-Wizard history, yet they never seem to give up. The Sega lovers continually try to defend Sega over the SNES with Sonic and Shining Force as their main arguments as to why the Genesis was better. All the while they don’t realize the greatness of games like Illusion of Gaia, Secret of Evermore, and the Donkey Kong series. We don’t know if the Sega lovers just like taking the underdog’s side, or if they just like bad games. Is there ever point where they will give up their attachment to sub-par video games? From our experience, not in this lifetime. We do like Toe Jam and Earl though. Sega-heads never talk about this game though. This is curious as its one of the few good games for the system.

9. People who think the latest Star Wars movies were good

Some Star Wars fans just won’t admit that the latest Star Wars movies were dung. They can’t admit that the characters employed by Lucas in the prequel trilogy were geared more towards garnering a wider audience rather then being created for the loyal follower. These movies get boring after the first 30 minutes, and all the special effects and CGI do nothing to save the below average acting and even worse writing. The populace current that resides throughout these movies hinders the experience that we once gained through the original movies, where passion and purpose were the main expression of Lucas and Co. Some people get too attached to who they recognize when something is shit. These Star Wars fans piss us off.

8. Bands who allow magazine writers to make them hold beer cans in photo shoots

We can understand why magazine publishers and writers want pictures of bands that look like they’re wasted. This modern culture that prides itself on the imperative to enjoy is a signifier for these publishers to try to find these bands. But what band who really cared about its music would allow some cameraman to make them put a beer can in their hand during a photo shoot? You see this all the time too. Check out an edition of NME or Alternative Press and you’ll see what we mean. They are being forced to look like they’re having a fun time. This party rock attitude first stemmed from 60’s excess and the Stones imagery. While they came across as genuine in their hedonistic lifestyle, these new bands look like their trying to hard, and their music suffers for it. Take a closer look at the pictures and the music these bands play and you will see how shit they are.

7. People who tie their hopes to a politician

During this political season especially, people have tied their dreams to certain politicians to a sickening extent. All these canards of “hope and change” from these candidates are nothing but rhetoric founded in Greek sophistry. Man is responsible for himself. When things are going shit, its up to them to change their own outcome. No grandiose sounding politician is going to change anything for you. Sure, they may fool you into thinking everything is going to be great after their elected, but these promises usually end up as being empty speeches given in desperate attempts for power and recognition. Going to one of these political rallies is nothing but bread and circuses. People cheer like it’s a high school pep rally. Man doesn’t evolve with age. They just displace their immaturity to more commonly accepted social acts.

6. People who don’t appreciate 16 bit gaming

We consistently hear from people that our tastes on video games are too retro. While this was the point of the website to begin with, this isn’t the only reason why someone saying this would anger us. 16 bit gaming was the best era of video games of all time. It was the height of RPG’s, it was the introduction to the greatest video game system of all time in the SNES (which we cover in the top 10 video game systems of all time list). It was where we were introduced to Mario Kart. It’s where the greatest rivalry in gaming history happened between Sega and the SNES. In terms of quality of games, the best came from the 16 bit era. Who could argue against Secret of Mana, Final Fantasy 3, and Mario Kart as some of the greatest games of all time? Surely, games will advance in graphics and technology, but they will never have the soul and story lines of the 16-bit era.

This series is by Jeph Loeb (you know, the guy who killed off Captain America) so I fully expect to see Thor get his ass handed to him when these two square off. There are two things I expect from any comic book series written by Loeb. One is that he will ignore continuity to advance his story-lines, and two that he’ll kill off characters way too early for cheap shock value that has no real importance to to the storyline.

Just look at the beginning of this series already. The Red Hulk knocked out the Watcher. Has this guy ever read a Marvel comic before? Does he know who the Watcher is? Does he know what the Watcher can do? He knocked out the Watcher before issue #5 of this series. Who is Red Hulk going to take down by issue #7? Galactus? The Living Tribunal? This is utterly stupid.

I think we all know where Old-Wizard stands on the Thor vs Hulk debate. The old Thor is more powerful than the Hulk, and the new Thor (recreated by JMS, who unlike Loeb is a fantastic writer) should be able to easily handle the Hulk, green or red. This new Thor has taken down the Asgardian Destroyer. If he gets beaten by the Hulk it will be a long time before I pick up a Marvel comic again.

How many more uber powerful characters is the Hulk (or a version of him) going to beat? Between Pak and Loeb the Hulk has taken out Black Bolt, Doctor Strange, Hercules, She Hulk, Iron Man in his Hulk Buster armour, The Sentry, and worst of all, I can’t even bring myself to type this…The WATCHER! This is crossing the line between being a somewhat serious comic book to a complete joke. Do Pak and Loeb have some sort of hard on for the Hulk?

This could have been a great series, and maybe it will still turn out to be decent, if we get some sort of explanation of how the red Hulk knocked out the Watcher. You may remember that Thor was conveniently missing in action for the events of World War Hulk, had he been there, I have no doubt the Hulk would have beat him and the Sentry all at once. But now that Pak isn’t writing this series, this is the fight I’ve been waiting to see. The new Thor versus the Hulk. I just wish JMS would be the one to write it.

Regardless, I have a feeling Thor is going to get defeated and then saved by the Green Hulk. This would be beyond stupid. It would render all of JMS’s work on Thor meaningless. If that happened, I would love to see JMS write a comic book where the Thing clobbered the Hulk. That would be a fitting response. Time will tell what will happen in Hulk #5, but you can bet Old-Wizard will weigh in on it.

So in order to finish this debate once and for all we here at OW have finally finished THE list of the most powerful superheros. This is it folks. As every faithful reader knows that we here at OW are always right, we have proved it in the past. There can no longer be any debate. No more argument required. This list has taken us years to complete, and has threatened to destroy all that is OW. While making this list there was lots arguing, name calling, some shouting, a little bit of snuggling, more shouting, lots of your momma’s, but we finally came up with the definitive list of the most powerful superheroes of all time. We can’t be more clear on that last point, this is it. None of what you are about to read is opinion, it is fact. Next time one of your nerd buddies starts to argue you need only refer to this list, kindly pat him the head a give him one of the problems listed above to argue about. Here’s how we did it.   First we excluded all super villains, this is heroes only, next we eliminated all exorbitantly overpowered cosmic beings (Phoenix, Odin, or the Highfather). And finally we ignored all heroes that would be considered ‘normal’ but have similar powers as those listed below. Then we plugged in all the facts and figures into the OW super computer and waited. Exactly 137 days later the answer was spit out. It then took us one year to figure out what that answer meant. Finally its over these are the most powerful superheroes. Fact.

10. The Green Lantern (Hal Jordan)

Despite coming in at number 10, The Green Lantern (Hal Jordan) is one tough hombre. As a member of the Green Lantern Corps, he wields a power ring that can generate a variety of effects and energy constructs, sustained purely by the ring wearer’s strength of will. The greater the user’s willpower, the more effective the ring. The limits of the power ring’s abilities are never defined, but it has been referred to as “the most powerful weapon in the universe” on more than one occasion. It’s precious. Over the years, the ring has been shown capable of accomplishing almost anything within the imagination of the ring bearer. Often the rings are used to form solid-light constructs, the power and size of which are limited only by the ring-bearer’s willpower. And, if that wasn’t powerful enough, DC recently (in 2006) retconned the ring’s longtime lack of effect on yellow objects, stating that the ring-bearer need only feel fear and overcome it in order to affect yellow objects. With his protective bubbles and mean green energy bursts, the Green Lantern has fought with, and at varying times against, such heavyweights as Superman and Captain Marvel. But he’s still no match for number 9 on our list…

9. Professor X

So how does someone whose Kryptonite is stairs make it onto the list of the ten most powerful superheroes of all time? Well, despite being wheelchair-bound, Professor Charles Xavier is one of the most powerful heroes in comic-dom. Born a mutant, Professor X is the world’s most powerful telepath. He is able to read or project his thoughts into minds within a radius of hundreds of miles. He can psionically manipulate the minds of others, warp perceptions to make himself seem invisible or project illusions, cause loss of particular memories, and induce pain or temporary mental and physical paralysis. Within close range, he can manipulate almost any number of minds for such simple feats. Taking it a step further, against one opponent he take full possession of their mind, although he must strictly be within that being’s physical presence. He can even project powerful mental bolts of psionic energy, enabling him to stun the mind of another being into unconsciousness and completely shut down minds and bodies, or cause death. But, while Professor X may possess the most powerful melon on Earth (and one of the most powerful in the galaxy), his delicate body would prove to be too much a liability against the other eight powerhouses on this list.

8. Black Bolt

Our seventh most powerful superhero of all time is Black Bolt, the king of the offshoot of humanity known as the inhumans. Black Bolt has often been described as one of the most powerful superheroes in the Marvel universe by other heroes, and for good reason. Through electron gathering and manipulation, Black Bolt can increase any aspect of his physical nature to superhuman levels, including his strength, speed, stamina and durability. In times of great need, he can channel this power into a single devastating punch called “The Master Blow”. He can also harness the electrons for matter transformation; the controlled projection of energy as concussive blasts or quasi-solid particle/electron fiends, broadcasting jamming frequencies, and flight. But Black Bolt’s most salient offensive weapon is his cacophonous voice, as a hypersonic shout that can level an entire city, and his merest whisper has been shown capable of stunning the Hulk. It’s even been suggested that his voice is capable of destroying an entire planet.

7. The Sentry

Empowered by an enigmatic professor’s secret formula, The Sentry absorbs solar radiation for strength and moves his molecules an instant ahead of the normal timeline. His superpowers include super strength, speed, stamina, and senses, along with the power to create energy fields and of course the power of unaided flight. He also possesses a number of mental powers, having displayed the ability to implant his memories into another person’s mind. To top all that off, he emits a form of radiation that calms down the Hulk, severely limiting the Jade giant’s rage-fueled powers. It’s been mentioned a number of times that he possesses the power of “a million exploding suns” and that he is “the most powerful human in the galaxy”. Unfortunately, his primary weakness appears to be his mental instability, as he is often referred to as an agoraphobic schizophrenic, and he is very susceptible to mental manipulation and inculcation.