» Games

• OW Investigative Series: Violence in Video Games

  

  Written by Sage 11 Comments
  Last Updated:: June 21, 2009

  Part 4: Pokemon

  In recent centuries the world has been racked with animal on animal violence. You need not look further than Animal Planet, Discovery Channel, and sometimes History Channel (check local listings). Every where we look some animal is killing another animal. But why? Is it for food? Are the creatures pre-programed to hate each other? Or has gang warfare spilled over into the animal kingdom? Only recently, since man has evolved hunting and tracking capabilities, has human on animal violence escalated. Some people, so called ’scientists’, have postulated that these behaviors are what allowed human beings to become the dominate species on our planet. A quick look out the window, if you live in an urban area at least, shows you that yes there are a lot of humans everywhere. But why has modern man chosen to still attack, kill, capture, and even eat animals? Is it because proteins obtained from meat and poultry are essential to a healthy diet? Is it because a number of domesticated species would no longer be able to survive on their own without human intervention? Or is it because of the destructive influence a certain video game has had on the populace?  As we have shown in previous articles, all violence in society can be blamed on video games, so it only make sense that animal cruelty must also be the fault of video games.

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• Top 10 Worst Fanboys

  

  Written by Sage 1,557 Comments
  Last Updated:: June 5, 2009

  We here at OW like a lot of things. We also dislike a lot of things. In some cases the things we like and the things we don’t like overlap. For example we like the Dave Matthews Band but we dislike the average Dave Matthews fan. This could be pictured as a Venn diagram. Venn diagrams will be used a lot in this list so please take time to review the general concept. Another example is Pokemon, we hate Pokemon but enjoy a good Nintendo game. Once again a Venn diagram would very neatly describe this. In another unrelated matter, we here at OW, in our last list, mentioned that we wanted to sell out. However we haven’t received any offers that will prevent us from having to wake up and go to our jobs in the morning. So let’s step it up people! Also while I’m on it, we haven’t received any applications to join our religion that we’ve started. So again let’s step it up people! Finally the first person to send us a set of Venn diagrams describing this list wins a free OW t-shirt. So break out the pen and compass, some crayons, and your third grade math book and get to work.

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• Top 10 Ways to Tell If You’re Good at Video Games

  

  Written by Zeromage 112 Comments
  Last Updated:: May 18, 2009

  We here at OW get a lot of flack for our beliefs. Further research, however, has shown that we are in fact right. Everything we say is actually the gospel truth! I know, we were just as shocked as you are. That being said, we are taking applications for worshipers. Unlike most religions we don’t want everyone, just your rich, cool, and popular people.  There is a minimum yearly salary requirement and a rather extensive interview process. Also we have put together a list that allows a person to decide if they are good at gaming. These days games are stupid and easy and everyone thinks they are good at games for no particular reason. Here is a way to tell if you’re actually good at video games. And if you remember from the beginning of this list everything we say is the truth. So we win again. Also at a recent staff meeting we have all decided we are willing to sell out completely. If any TV executives, advertising agents, or magazine editor are reading this and want to offer us money we’re in.

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• Top 10 Ways to Tell if a Game is “Hardcore”

  

  Written by Zeromage 215 Comments
  Last Updated:: April 28, 2009

  If we here at OW know anything, which we don’t, then it’s definitely hardcore games and gamers. These are the people who take what is merely a pass time and make it a serious way of life. Much like the professional athlete, the hardcore gamer takes the gaming experience to a whole new and smelly level. But this list isn’t about them, no we’ve done that before, we’ve done the comprehensive study of what your average hardcore gamer looks like already.  This time we try to get into there heads, through the layers of greasy unwashed hair, past the dandruff ridden scalp, under the extra layers of fat, and beneath the thick skull (its thick from supporting all the grease, fat, and dry skin). To further our efforts in understanding these behemoths we began systematic studies of the games which hardcore gamers identify as “hardcore” and our findings are shocking to say the least. We’ve organized some of our data into a list which ranks the importance of a particular attribute of a particular game in the order in which the hardcore gamer holds the importance of said attribute when purchasing a new game with their parent’s money. That is to say we made a top ten list.

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• Top 30 Bad Guys From Super Mario Brothers

  

  Written by Zeromage 66 Comments
  Last Updated:: April 14, 2009

  No game in history has left a cadre of memorable bad guys like the Mario Bros games have. Others have tried, but nobody else has taken a the dreams of an acid riddled hippie and turned them into lush landscapes full of monsters, floating blocks, pits to infinity, and poor plumbing like Nintendo has. Mario has been the flagship of this company since the early eighties, and rightfully so. In this list we name the top 30 bad guys from the Mario brother series.

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• Top 10 SNES Games

  

  Written by Zeromage 64 Comments
  Last Updated:: March 27, 2009

  The SNES is the greatest console system ever created. Granted it had limitations on the graphics and the size of the games, but this only forced the designers to create stories that were truly captivating, and games that were just plain fun.  They had to push the limits of what they had. These days games are all about how real the graphics look, how much blood you can splatter, or all the other things that don’t matter. While we at OW agree that comparing these games is like comparing a Picaso to a cave painting, we ask which one was more impressive? Picasso had any color paint he wanted, stretched canvases, and didn’t have to fight for his food. The caveman had coals, berries, and had to avoid being eaten. The SNES is old, but it had some truly great games that have stood the test of time. They are continually hailed as the some of the greatest games ever made and few, even with their pretty colors and 3D environments, can hold a candle to these classic titles. So here’s what we think are the best.

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• Top 10 Boss Fights

  

  Written by Zeromage 58 Comments
  Last Updated:: March 20, 2009

  What makes a good boss fight? Is it the difficulty?  The creative way that you have to oust the villain?  Or perhaps you enjoy an easy boss because it makes you feel good and accomplished. If that’s the case you should re-consider your life, maybe you need to set more important goals and maybe you should get out of your parent’s basement. We here at O-W are well aware that the economy isn’t going so well but there are still jobs available, and you should find them. Once you get some money you can buy more difficult games and beat them in your free time, essentially doubling that feeling of accomplishment. Now that’s a plan. In any case, here’s what O-W thinks are the top ten boss fights. We purposely didn’t qualify it in any other way, which will most likely piss off many people, but hey, that’s what gets us up in the morning. These are the best boss fights.

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• Top 10 Worst Movies Based on Video Games

  

  Written by Zeromage 324 Comments
  Last Updated:: March 3, 2009

  Movies are great, and so are video games. So it only makes sense that if you combine them together  the result will be greater, right? Well no, they usually suck and of all the video game movies it was difficult for us to narrow the list down to the absolute worst. All of these movies are terrible and the ones I actually saw in the theaters made me loathe the time and money spent with my feet glued to the sticky floor. I’ve always known that Hollywood doesn’t have enough intelligent people to write at least one original script, so they beg, borrow, and steal from everywhere possible. Unfortunately the brain trust over on the west coast often fails us and we get stuck footing the bill. This little list is OW’s revenge.  We hated these movies and hope you did as well.

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• Top 10 Ways to Tell if You Suck at Video Games

  

  Written by Zeromage 234 Comments
  Last Updated:: March 2, 2009

  There are some games I’m just not good at.  I’ll admit that I’m terrible at Top Gun (landing the plane) and Ghosts n’ Goblins where I can’t even get past the first level.  While I may not be the best at these games, I know that I have talent elsewhere, like in being able to complete Super Metroid in a radically quick time and being able to beat the Mario Lost Levels, which we know most people can’t even come close to beating.  There are definite signs that you’re absolutely terrible at video games in general.  In this list, we’ll go through these reasons.  If you fit 4 out of 10 of these reasons, it’s best if you lay down the controller, or if you still want to play video games go and buy Lego Star Wars.  Unless you like embarrassing yourself, it would not be good to admit to anyone else that you suffer from one of these reasons below.

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• Top 10 Games for the Playstation 3

  

  Written by Zeromage 88 Comments
  Last Updated:: February 23, 2009

  As most of the readers of Old-Wizard know, we prefer the Nintendo Wii to the Playstation 3 (To see the reasons why we like it better, check our Top 10 Reasons the Wii has Dominated the PS3 List).  And while we do think that for the most part the Nintendo Wii is the more innovative console, and on average has much better games (you can see our favorites on our Top 10 Games for the Wii List), that doesn’t mean that every now and again there isn’t a diamond in the rough.  Especially considering that the PS3 has hundreds of games to chose from. So although the Wii is our favorite seventh generation console, between the three of us here at O-W, we probably own every video game console ever made (even the Sega Genesis), and we play all of them from time to time.  With that being said, the Playstation 3 does have some good games, and in this next list we’ll show you which games we like the most.

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