10. The Radio Dept. – “The Worst Taste in Music”

The Radio Dept. made a classic song in “The Worst Taste in Music” which would have to be the case when you had a title that amazing.  I mean, this title is something that OW naturally thinks up when writing for the site.  This song is sleek, floaty, and lyrically penetrating.  This song can be played in a club or for the bedsitters in everyone.  It’s always moving though.  It’s never obsessed with dynamics.  It’s underlying rhythm never stops and is a key to representing the irreducible qualities of Swedish pop music.  You could do many things when listening to this song; the best one though is enjoying a song while hearing “He’s got the worst taste in Music”.

9. The Cardigans – “Hanging Around”

The Cardigans had a couple hits that transcended their own country but their best work was never heard, as with many bands from different countries who people only hear a couple songs from.  “Hanging Around” is filled with sugary vocals from Nina Persson who sounds tight and compliant in the verse but slightly discombobulated in the chorus.  Regardless of her frantic mood, there was a heavy electronic beat that anchored the song and gave the song it’s bleak quality that never sacrificed a strong sense of melody and a beat that would only stop for when it was called for some precise hip action.  Here we have a vocal delivery that could be disgruntled but a musical production that could be clean and crisp, a hallmark of Swedish music.

8. Mando Diao- “Down in the Past”

Mando Diao owned garage rock going into the new millennium, but no one got to hear their catalogue of excellent pop/rock.  “Down in the Past” rocks but it doesn’t rock too hard, making sure that the chorus is heard by everyone who is listening.  The space for the vocals in the verse is perfect to get across a raw voice that is just as sweet sounding as it’s rough.  The chorus plays a progression  that works the minor and major changes in perfect time to lead the listener into not forgetting the song after one or two listens.  The beat is hard and easy to dance to.  No matter if it’s rock, jazz, or pop, all the music in Sweden will never not groove.

7. Air France – “No Excuses”

Air France took the best moments of The Avalanches Since I Left You and made an incredible mix of songs on No Way Down.  The hallmark of these songs was “No Excuses” which could liven up any party at the first bar of the song.  This song was house chill, beet-root, and everything that makes Swedish music great.  Air France’s House tendencies fit perfect with it’s native countries incessant love for the beat.  Air France took the beat though and took away any hints of a cloudy quality to it.  They made music that everyone had to enjoy.  When you listen to “No Excuses”, you’re ready for the end of the world because you’ve already heard music at one of its finest moments.  You really don’t need to hear anything else after it.

6. Kent – “FF”

Kent got Abba down cold.  Every one of their songs has to be packed with a smashing rhythm, almost disco-like rhythms without sounding too tacky, but even if they do it still sounds good.  Hanging around that line between goodness and guilty pleasure, Kent master this tightrope walk in “FF” with a dark essence carrying the song from pure groove to an evanescent chorus.  This song gets you hooked immediately.  Kent is good at this.  They may be the best pop group in the 90’s from Sweden.  One could easily put “Parlor” or “Sundance Kid” on this list, but we had to choose one and “FF” stood out for representing everything that makes Kent such pop perfectionists and a perfect example of Sweden’s incredible grasp of the superlative genre.

5. Jens Leckman – “You are the Light”

Jens Leckman is a singer’s singer.  He can croon with the best of them and sometimes sounds so much like Scott Walker you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference if it wasn’t for the modern production that envelopes a Leckman production.  “You are the Light” is an astonishing song with an astonishing chorus.  This is the type of song that goes #1 in every country in the world.  It’s big sounding without ever losing the sense of it’s own grounding.  It’s got all the externals that make Swedish music so great.  Handclaps, a bassline compressed high in the mix, and a Mo-Townesque rhythm that would have thrown anyone onto the dance floor.  And of course there are all those grand sweeping strings in the chorus with a melody that knows how to push and pull the natural instincts for hearing what makes a memorable song so memorable.  Leckman is one of the best and this song is great beyond its years and the artist’s relatively young age.

4. Dungen – “Det Tar Tid”

This song is so smooth that it had to come for a Swede.  It had to come from the pop sensibilities of a pop musician.  Dungen who are usually known for their overly psychedelic impulses hit their native pop stride on their album 4.  “Det Tar Tid” was clearly the most single worthy song out of the whole pack.  A perfect build up into a sparkling chorus, this song would be stuck in your head for months even without knowing a word of Swedish.  You would be singing the lyrics to the chorus making up your own lyrics by how addictive this song is to listen to.  One can only hope that they keep delivering choruses this good and stay away from their sometimes self-indulgent jammy proclivities.

3. Abba – “Voulez Vous”

You could make this list an entire list of Abba songs and it would be justified, but to give all the other great bands from Sweden their due, we could only choose one from Abba.  Voulez Vous was the choice because it exemplifies everything great in about a pop song; hammering dance beat that ABC would ape on Lexicon of Love, perfect vocals from some of the best pop female vocalists of the late 20th century, and a chorus that was absolutely undeniable.  Cue in the handclaps, sharp staccato horns, and a melody that will never be forgotten and you have one of the greatest pop songs of all time, let along Swedish songs.  This chorus shifts and hammers at will as if it knows exactly what the listener wants and is going to dominate it with it’s memorability. A perfect song to represent what’s great about Swedish Music.

2. Soundtrack of our Lives- “Infra Riot”

Who the fuck is ready to go to war?  “Infra Riot” is a song you go to battle to whether it be a backyard football game or fighting some indie clown on the streets of some lame ass city.  This song is rock in the best sense of the term when the term has always been on it’s way towards losing it’s spirit.  Soundtrack of our Lives have their fists up with this song wanting to make a sound bigger than any of their rijpma contemporaries.  The bass drum is smashing throughout the whole song and the mix is compressed to hell like all good Sweedish music.  Fuck all these soft ass dynamics.  Get out on the field and take it to all comers.

1. The Caesars – “Candy Kane”

Absolute pop perfection.  The Caesars nail this down with almost every song they create but none more so than “Candy Kane”.  This shit’s like Neil Diamond for the 21st century spruced up with some sweet overdrive and vocals with loads of delay on them.  The chorus is as catchy as they come.  When you hear it once you would think this would be a hit around the world; and it would be if people had their heads out of their asses, or if it was the 70’s again and Abba was ripping shit up with their pop sensibilities.  There’s no room for good music like this anymore because people like to listen to music that’s bad on purpose out of fear of finding their internal harmony that is the sound of this song.

Related Posts: Top 5 Musical Countries

10. Ninja Gaiden

The classic Ninja Gaiden game had to have a classic ending. After all, you were fighting to find and save your father. This was not going to be any mediocre ending. Unfortunately for Ryu, he would not be able to save his father as his destiny was too tied to the “Demon Statue” as the Demon world was exploding before both of their eyes. Like a true hero, Ryu’s father tells his son to “save the girl and escape with his own life”. Ryu has become a man and no longer needs the assistance of his soon to be missed father. Besides this touching scene between father and son comes some “behind closed door” scenes between Irene and Ryu involving some kissing, and…well that’s it for an 80’s 8-bit ending! Ryu and Irene watch the perfect sunset go down as the gamer unwinds in what was one of the most difficult games for the 8-bit era. With a great story to the ending and one of the most aesthetically pleasing sunsets in gaming history, Ninja Gaiden deserves its place on this list.

9. Contra

The first time in gaming history where an island blows up, Contra gave the gamer the ending he wanted when playing this apparently unbeatable game (without the code of course). With seconds left, and the island about to detonate, you would see the protagonists fly off of the island in a little 8-bit helicopter just in time. The satisfaction that came over the gamer here was immense, considering how long and difficult the journey was. Seeing the island destroyed raised emotions of victory more than any other game for the NES. The simple dialog after the destruction of the island is not very thoughtful, but this still doesn’t take away from one of the most powerful endings for the NES console.

8. Final Fantasy 7

The ending to Final Fantasy 7 can be summed up in one word; “Epic”. It’s not a coincidence that many of the selections in this list are RPG’s. When playing these massive games, it was only logical for there to be massive endings, and this was epitomized most noticeably in Final Fantasy 7. The ending to this game was aesthetically jaw-dropping for its day. Cloud’s flying through stars, the planet is being saved through colors as serene as an Aurora Borealis, and all the characters in the game are sitting watching in pure serenity. More than any other video game ending before, Final Fantasy 7 can be seen as the most “artful” experience for the video gamer. What the ending of Final Fantasy 7 showed more than anything was how great graphics could actually be utilized to create beauty rather than just mirror-image reality.

7. Chrono Trigger

Chrono Trigger had multiple endings. To fully enjoy the game, you had to complete the whole conquest rather than just completing the game halfway and watching Lavos destroy the shit out of the world. Going into the heart of the beast of Lavos and destroying him with all the characters you meet throughout the entire history of the Chrono Trigger world would give you the best endings. Whatever ending you obtained through beating it fully would show still and moving pictures of all the grand lands in the Chorno Trigger history from the rustic elegance of the prehistoric age to the dismal and lugubrious themes of the meta-contemporary dark ages. Trying to go through all the endings of this game is not for this description though. Among many great endings are Frog fighting Magus one final time on top of Magus’s castle with one of them (we don’t know which) standing on top with there cape breezing in the air. Whatever ending you get, you will be satisfied after your long journey (except the easy one of not really completing the game and watching the world be destroyed).

6. Super Metroid

What I consider to be the ending of Super Metroid is actually playable. I consider the moment you enter Tourian in Super Metroid to be the official ending of Super Metroid. The Metroid’s are easy to destroy and your packed with loads of energy and weapons at this point (You had to be to defeat Ridely). The whole scene of watching the baby metroid you saved kill the nucleus form of Mother Brain is one of the more emotional moments for the Super Nintendo medium. Escaping Tourian and saving your friends on the way is an incredibly unique addition to an already ingenious game. Of course, if you beat Super Metroid in the good time, you not only get to see Samus with her helmet off, but with her whole suit off making any gamer interested in efficiency when completing the game.

5. Star Fox (SNES)

The Star Fox ending was great for many different reasons. First off, it had one of the best ending soundtracks for the SNES era. The voice acting was beyond superb for the mere 16-bit technology. Polygrams blasting up in front of other polygrams and Fox McCloud calmly flying off into the serene clouds was a perfectly satisfying ending to one of the great games for the SNES. The ending is long and goes through all the levels like many of the great endings on this list. It also goes through all the ships as an added bonus. The ships all have their own stats from their specific weapons to their sizes. You watch your fleet rise into space with perfect symmetry on par with the great Star Wars movies (the old ones, not the new ones!). A Star Wars quality ending for a video game? What else could you ask for?

4. Mega Man 3

The Mega Man series never skimped on their endings, although they always showed the demise of Dr. Wily “once and for all”, over and over again. This was not so in Mega Man 3 where we meet a new mysterious character who is added into the Mega Man fold. Out of nowhere comes the one and only Protoman. Protoman’s true identity is revealed. Just when it looks like Mega Man is down and out from the crumbling castle of Dr. Wily’s; in comes Protoman to knock out the block that is crushing Mega Man. What happened to Dr. Wily? Does Protoman ask this or Mega Man? Whoever asks this question further adds to the mystery of this simple yet entertaining ending. After this Homeric ending comes a conversation between Dr.Light and Mega Man regarding who brought Mega Man back to Dr. Lights base. The final scene of the game shows Mega man running in front of an incandescent grassy background with the bosses being shown on the bottom half of the screen with their “stats”. Mystery, great dialogue and superb backgrounds (even if just 8-bit) make for one of the greatest endings in video game history.

3. Metal Gear Solid

The Metal Gear series showed a depth not seen in adventure games with the ending of Metal Gear Solid. The intricacy of the story line throughout the game doesn’t come to a simple resolution, showing off the developer’s smart taste for Dionysian tragedy. We find out Snake is inferior to Liquid. We find out that Snake only has a certain amount of time before FoxDie kills him. The destiny of Ocelot is one of the most surprising moments in video game history. By Metal Gear Solid not giving a firm foundation to the ending of the game, they created a further suspense for the subsequent games that were obviously to come. Great games usually breed great endings and Metal Gear Solid was no exception. This story line was like a best selling detective novel. Please, more of this.

2. Secret of Mana

Secret of Mana was one of the greatest videos games of all time (which is in the top 10 our “ top 100 greatest games of all time list“) and it wouldn’t disappoint with a monumental ending that showed off the prestige of all the lands in the game. After the tragic and Homeric dialogue between the characters at the end of the game was a repetition of all the areas in the game. They were shown with clarity and an aesthetic placidity not fully grasped when playing the game itself, mostly because of the fact that you were busy destroying the enemies and not looking at the landscapes. Getting to look over the massive ice land and the towering forest areas was a more than pleasant ending to a video game that took the gamers mental and emotional energy. Revisiting all the old towns gave the gamer a sense of nostalgia knowing they have finished one of the greatest games of all time.

1. Zelda Link to the Past

After apparently destroying Gannon for good (as in every Zelda game) Link is faced with the essence of the Triforce. The essence of the Triforce grants the wisher anything they want in their heart and mind. Finally Link gets a reward for all his hard work in a wish that he can only make. With Link’s Golden Heart, the light world is restored to its former glory. The King returns to his castle. The lonely bully makes a friend and your uncle recovers from his ailing sickness. The light world not only extirpates any remnants of the dark world, but becomes a heavenly abode for all that reside in it. The similarities between the ending of Link to the Past and other artistic renditions of religious art are obvious. Link to the Past though captures this inspiration in a guilt-free way where self-interest is lost to the golden heart. We at Old-Wizard believe in Zelda Link to the Past. In a certain sense, its our religion and the ending of the game confirms our belief in the heart that went into it.

10. Kurt Cobain

Power chord mania. It wasn’t Cobain’s fault that he was overrated as a guitarist though. It was because of all his pathetic fans that he took his life, because they made him overrated. He probably knew he sucked and wasn’t trying to do anything great. Cobain was much more of a songwriter, and a fairly decent one at that, but as a guitarist? Sure there was anger in his playing but there was no grace and no restraint. He should not be known as a great guitarist and anyone who says he is, is looking at the fact that they like the suicidal individual rather than any great guitar work.

9. Carlos Santana

This dude is so damn boring. His tone sucks ass, his playing is so generic that it’s conspicuous with everything else on the radio, and this is supposed to be from one of the greatest guitarist of all time. Take out Black Magic Woman (which is a massively overrated song) and you’ve got nothing. His work with artists of this age like the meta-banal Rob Thomas is so grotesquely mainstream and average that it implores you to stop listening to the radio all together. Oh yeah, he worked with Nickelback. That is really all that was needed to be said.

8. Tom Morello

Wah-Wah mania. Tom Morello is looked at by generation X as THE guitarist because of Rage Against the Machine’s rebellious attitude, but this dude only mastered the Wah pedel. His playing was average and he had no sense of melody in his playing. He was a punk-thrasher that liked to make noise and appear intellectual with his average guitar playing. Beyond 2 of their most popular songs Tom Morello never had any memorable riffs. Sure it sounded good before a football game in the locker room getting warmed up, but for any transcendence? This is not the guy you look to.

7. Stevie Ray Vaughan

There’s seriously a million reasons why Stevie Ray Vaughan sucks. He’s a basic bluesman who never derives off this boring ass genre. If you went down to any random bar in Texas and heard some blues band, you would find a guitarist who plays as well as him, maybe better. His “songs” are as trivial as they get. His endearing quality must be the fact that when he wanks he looks up into to the air as if he’s reaching some transcendental peak. Even with this, the guy looks like he never plays with any emotion. Watch any Youtube clip and the guy is just a white bluesman. I have no idea why this guy gets any credit for anything.

6. Steve Vai

Steve Vai is pure power chord mania. And who the hell wants to shred using power chords anyways? It sounds like ass, almost as bad as shredding on single notes. When you’re brought up learning from Joe Satriani, you know you’re going to be an overrated guitarist who thinks that shredding behind massive walls of overdrive and distortion makes you a good guitarist. To think that there are actual polls and forums comparing him to Hendrix is unreal. The only people who appreciate Steve Vai are people who work at Guitar Center and are obsessed with hyper-masculine guitar playing.

5. B.B. King

Does this dude always look like he’s on Ecstasy, or does he always get laid before he plays? Whatever it is, he is way too satisfied in what he’s playing. Over 50 years the guy has not changed his style at all. He plays the same fuckin’ thing over and over and people still pretend to like it because it is “B.B. King”. Listen, you can make 1 record with your 12 bar blues, but not 2, and certain not the shitload of boring albums he made. While we here at OW appreciate those who understand that the timeless and inherent grace of music is something to stick with, it has it’s limits. It’s limits are certainly the basic blues that B.B King plays.

4. John Mayer

This goofball is more concerned about living the Hollywood life with average looking actresses than doing something great with the guitar. As a blues acolyte, he was always going to be a boring player. John Mayer was much more of a boring popular songwriter than a derivative blues player though. This doesn’t stop him from wanking on this derivative style at the end of half the songs he plays live. When you don’t have your own style you have to supplement your popularity by appearing on tabloid magazines all the time.

3. Joe Satriani

This dude can do one thing and one thing only; solo. His solos are all superfluous though. There is no heart and soul behind any of his wanking. He works within 3 chords of 1 key and just rambles notes all over these chords. This stuff isn’t even technically great. It’s just him going at a high speed playing within massive limitations. Also, why does his wankery have to always sound so epic? This dude seriously has no taste. For him to have the audacity to accuse Coldplay of ripping him off is nauseating. He hasn’t even written 1 song in his life!

2. Eric Clapton

If blues wasn’t already boring in the first place, how boring do you think White Man’s blues could be? If you want to hear how boring it could be listen to Eric Clapton. Holy shit, this will put you to sleep. Whatever the song, it is some of the most obvious blues guitar work ever put to record. It didn’t help that his voice was average as hell too. Clapton is one big mess of averageness who masquerades as something to be glorified. His lyrics suck, his songs suck, and his guitar playing is soporific. Pass me down to the original blues men who were boring but not this hackneyed.

1. Zakk Wylde

Can Zakk Wylde be known for anything else besides that fucking pinch harmonic he does 40 times in every single fuckin’ “song” he waffles on? Besides this, he’s an average metal guitarist. Seriously, if it wasn’t for all the hype that Ozzy Osborne gave him, would he even be recognized today? With a guitarist like Zakk Wylde it’s impossible to find any memorable guitar lines or “songs”. All you do is sit back and watch him wank like every other metal guitarist who doesn’t have their own style and who do pinch harmonics at the end of every motherfucking phrase. The new Tony Iommi? Please….

10. Bomberman 1 (Two Player Co-op Mode)

Bomberman 1 had to be on this list because of the strong Co-op mode that was in it. While Bomberman 2 had the best battle mode, it didn’t have a co-op mode, which was a shame. Bomberman 1 though had an amazing Co-op mode where you would start off in a level invincible for the first 7 seconds or so. If you were loaded with items and bombs from previous levels, you could just ransack the level before being able to get hit by anybody. In a matter of seconds the whole screen is just one big explosion with you and player two are standing around with the melee coming to an end. This is serious fun, but is all predicated on the fact that neither you nor your partner lose your weapons by being killed or idiotically killing yourself. Why a 2 player Co-op mode wasn’t made for Bomberman 2 is beyond us.

9. Metal Warriors

Metal Warriors can be irritating if you’re really shit at it. If you’re good at it, then have at it. Have at your friend who ends up in a fucking shitty ass robot who can’t jump so has to stand in the corner getting his ass beat while you throw out massive projectiles into nowhere. This is the fun though of many of the battle mode levels; the fact that you can enter into all the different robot machines, and if you happen to get screwed and end up in the 20,000 pound beast, then you’re dead. Strategy then in Metal Warriors isn’t just being good with certain bots, but finding the right bot that fits your style of play. There is the Swordsman bot who is fairy versatile all around. The flying bot is fun because you can crop down unexpectedly into player 2’s bot without them being able to do anything about it. Much like Mario Kart, you want to perfect a certain bot, but if you don’t have access to it, it’s good to have a good supplementary bot.

8. Double Dragon 2

With only a few Co-op games making this list, a Double Dragon game had to make it, but which one? Double Dragon 1 certainly started the 2 player co-op series where you could whomp on each other instead of moving forward in the game. Double Dragon 2 had a charisma though that Double Dragon 1 didn’t have. The graphics were smoother, the music was memorable, and the storyline was somewhat sophisticated. On top of that you got a some new moves and weapons to work with. Being able to do that flying 360 kick with the sound of a hurricane representing it was fun as hell, especially when “accidentally” hitting player 2. Getting through the levels was a challenge. The jumps were difficult, the bosses were elusive (except for that Arnold Schwarzenegger boss) and you had to rely on your partner for much of the game. Being able to kick out those Bobo’s out of the airplane would require one player to knock him down and the other to knock him out just as he was being sucked out of the plane. Coop 2 player was rarely this fun.

7. Street Fighter 2

Of course Street Fighter 2 is on this list. With all the characters you could choose from, this game is limitless fun. You go into the game thinking “Okay, I’m going to try someone new” and choose the weak ass Dhalsim. Your friend rocks you with Ryu’s fireballs and signature uppercut. You’re pretty pissed at this point. It’s time to go with the character you know can destroy all; M. Bison. After this, it’s just a domination fest with you using Bison’s Signature electric move that flies through the other player as if he didn’t exist. After 10 seconds the match is over with the other player screaming how unfair it is that you’re using M.Bison. Well it’s just as unfair being able to sit in a fucking shooting out those fucking fireballs all day. Of course, when you get really good at certain characters you can neutralize these seemingly impenetrable moves, even with Dhalsim (to this day, I’ve never seen anyone choose Dhalsim at the arcade Street Fighter 2 Coin-Op machine). Loads of characters, loads of moves, tons of irritation until you’re able to figure out how to combat all the other characters moves, a perfect recipe for a great 2 player game.

6. New Super Mario Wii (Coin Battle)

Super Mario Wii made it’s dominating entrance into the video game market last year with an incredible battle mode. A race to collect coins and kill each other would make this hyperactive battle the best for the Wii thus far. The feeling of getting thrown off a ledge by player 2 is excruciating because you have to bubble your way back to him to get out, and of course he being the ass he is, will run away from you the whole damn time leaving you with no coins and himself with all the coins, including the big coins worth 10 a piece! It’s paramount that you don’t die in this game, but this is rather hard when playing a difficult level trying to collect as many coins as you can. A good strategy? Collect a couple coins, kill player 2 before he’s able to collect any and then kill yourself. You win 2-0!

5. Contra

Contra is the one and only Co-op 2 player game. When one thinks of Coop mode, it is Contra. Even without the code, the game is loads of fun with 2 players. The game doesn’t allow you to kill each other which is a good thing because there’s really no way of getting past the first half of the first level if you were able to. The levels are set up perfectly for 2 players. The first level has high ground and low ground to destroy all the enemies and the fortress levels make it necessary for both players to take out radars on each side of the screen. Where the 2 player mode can be tricky is in the waterfall level where if you go to far above, you can leave the other player behind to his doom which isn’t a good thing, because it’s not like you have a lot of lives to work with unless you use the code. The game is perfectly programmed with a perfect amount of enemies per level and bosses that would scare the shit out of you. The only problem was the lack of lives which Konami made sure to code up with the 30 live code. You always felt less of a man though having to use the code, but you really had no choice. They should have given you 10 lives to start off with.

4. Super Mario Double Dash

As was stated in previous articles, this game single handedly took up 75% of our college lives. A’s became B’s and then B’s became B-’s. A professor would wonder why my editing became so poor as a became a junior and senior in college. One reason, Super Mario Double Dash. There’s no way I could actually look over a paper when I heard roommates in the living room yelling at the top of their lungs in anger because they got blue shelled just as they were about to win the race. I had to be part of it. I knew I could beat all of them regardless of getting blue shelled because I would be so far ahead of those fuckers that nothing could stop me from finishing a race at the #1 spot. That this game almost had 2 friends of mine going to physically blows shows how important of a game it was. If you lost enough, some people felt they had to prove their worth by actually having a physical fight. Thankfully this was never me because I was always accepted as the Double Dash Master. All this is only an anecdotal story though. How long could one actually talk about the game itself?

3. Bomberman 2 (Battle Mode)

Bomberman 2 has the best bomber man levels and some really badass items that make it a better battle mode than Bomberman 1. In the tradition of Bomberman, you have to skillfully bomb your way around blocks to eventually bomb player 2, and not even player 2, but possibly player 3 and 4, or the computer players if you don’t have enough friends which is probably the case if you play Bomberman 2 on a regular basis. Loading up a bombs is the most fun someone can have in a 2 player battle mode. You can get 10 of these things and just lay them down around the whole screen watching everyone run to the corner to escape your abundance of bombs. This overzealous excitement can lead to killing yourself though if you’re not careful enough. The levels range from the Bomber man “purist” level, to levels where you can jump across vines and levels where you can transport yourself and bombs through tunnels to other parts of the screen. The bomber man series has always been creative, but found it’s most practical creativity in this perfect 2 player battle mode.

2. WWF Raw (SNES)

Where the hell did this one come from? Do yourself a favor. By a 3rd party SNES/NES and buy this game. At first you won’t understand why this is such an amazing 2 player game, but the more you play it, the more it ages like fine wine, especially when you’re drinking lots of alcohol. It’s all on the Royal Rumble mode to make this game so great.  The smallest moves will seem like the biggest accomplishments. Hip tossing a wrestler over the ropes gives you an unparalleled reward synaptic shot. Demolishing wrestlers with no energy in the middle of the ring will also do the same thing. The feeling of getting thrown against the ropes while player 2 is waiting right there to hip toss you over the ropes is incredibly depressing. The only shot you have is if you have enough energy to stop in your running tracks before the bastard is able to throw you over. The fun doesn’t just stop at the Royal Rumble in Raw though. The Survivor Series mode is also amazing because for some odd reason sometimes you don’t get to use all the wrestlers you picked because of bad programming, making you feel that you want to beat the bad programming with skill regardless of your handicap. Amazing drinking game. You can even let the rumble go on with the computer playing against itself and have bets on which wrestler will be the last man standing!

1. Super Mario Battle Mode (SNES)

This is the best 2 player game ever. For those who disagree, you don’t know what good 2 player battle modes are. This game is one screen, 5 different bad guys, and 2 different types of mushrooms that you can get to help you to your advantage, but yet can be played for hours because of how subtle the strategy is. You think you’ve mastered this game because it’s only played in one room. How about playing one of us at Old Wizard so we can whip your ass 50 times in a row to show you how much you need to improve. The element of winning by gaining coins (by killing the enemies on the screen) puts pressure on the other player to kill you before you’re able to gain the coins, which in turn puts pressure on you which often leads to you sacrificing your mushroomed Mario or Luigi to get that one coin. The pressure shifts back and forth like being part of the best football game in the world. You eventually learn prudence when you feel like you’re in the dumps being small while the other player is big and them having 2 coins. You know the game can tides can turn any moment. Just get that one mushroom or switch mushroom and you become the big bully! Seriously, timeless fun in every sense of the word ‘timeless’.

A while back we wrote an article about how 2D gaming is better than 3D gaming, which it clearly is. We here at OW have been getting increasingly frustrated with the lack or creativity and push towards realism in games. To address this issue we made some phone calls and told Nintendo that we would have to pull our support if they didn’t rectify this situation. Fearing what in the industry is called the “OW Sega affect”, Nintendo acted quickly and came out with what is easily the greatest game to be released in the 2000’s. So here it is, finally the OW review of the new Super Mario Brothers Wii. After getting back to OWHQ from our holiday vacation our email, snail mail, and fax machine were flooded with messages. Granted a lot of it was our usual fan mail and another good portion of it was our usual hate mail, but mixed in were questions asking; ” I think I like this new Mario game but wanted to know what you guys think?”, “Hi OW, love the site, should I like the new Mario game?”, or “Hi OW, hate the site, should I like the new Mario game?” So to answer the biggest question on the gaming industry’s mind right now, yes you should and can (we give permission) like the new Mario game.

The new Super Mario Brothers Wii is a incredibly creative and infinitely entertaining masterpiece of gaming. Sony and Microsoft should take note as we are losing patience with them. The plot is pretty standard, the princess gets kidnapped, a consistent problem in the mushroom kingdom, and the brothers go after her assisted by two toads. Right from the start the game is entertaining the maps are reminiscent of Mario 3 though the levels themselves are more like Mario World minus all the dinosaurs. Each level is super creative and it is obvious that significant amount of time was spent on level design. Even when the levels get super difficult, especially world 8 you can’t help but think wow this level is awesome, despite the fact that you just died a million times.

During your pursuit of the princess you have to defeat each Koopling twice per world, and Bowser jr. a few times on the airship. Each of these boss battles are far more creative than anything in Mario 3 or Mario World. The fist encounter is in the fortress and is usually a simplified version of the final battle. Some highlights are fighting Iggy in the last castle of the jungle world and Ludwig in cloud world. To augment Mario’s plumbing skills against this band of turtle creatures, a number of Power-ups are available. The standard mushroom, fire flower, and Yoshi return, but with them come some new ones, the ice flower, helicopter hat, mini mushroom, and penguin suit. Each power-up is unique, fun, and useful. The helicopter hat, our personal favorite, allows you to fly when you shake the remote, another creative aspect of the game. The ice flower can diffuse some fire and turns everything to blocks of ice which can then be thrown at other enemies or smashed to pieces. The most interesting use is to access secret areas by freezing certain enemies in just the right place or floating up through water jets. The penguin suit is a much more powerful frog suit from Mario 3. It gives you extreme swimming power, ice flower power, you can run and slide, and let’s be honest who doesn’t look good in a penguin suit? Finally the game designers seemed to add a challenge to the game with the mini mushroom, which isn’t exactly a power up, but does allow you to run on water and go into tiny pipes. Our only complaint is that you don’t see Yoshi enough throughout the game and you don’t get to keep him when you beat the level with him.

The fun begins when you play with multiple people, actually the more people you play with the more difficult the game becomes. Everyone gets in everyone’s way and death rates quickly mount. ZM and myself beat the game after a few days with considerable swearing, threats, and tons of laughs. Unlike the earlier Super Mario Brothers games, where even in two player mode you are basically just playing one player games, this time you are all in the level at the same time. What’s worse is that you get into each other’s way, can pick each other up, throw things at each other, kill each other, and generally make even the simplest level turn into absolute chaos. Yoshi also becomes more fun with multiple players as you can eat your friends and then spit them out where ever need be. Another version of the multiplayer game are the battles, the coin battles being the most fun in our opinion. Here all the chaos makes sense, you have to kill the other players and get the coins. We honestly spent hours playing this part of the game sometimes getting very few coins because most of our time was spent trying to murder each other.

Sadly had this game existed when we were children ZM and myself would have been the fat losers we described in out hardcore gamer list. OW has flexed it’s mighty arms and world is turning back towards fun 2D games instead of realistic wastes of graphics. The game derives it’s strength from it’s simplicity, the graphics are crisp and fun, and the game play is fully enjoyable. The only confusion is why two random toads come along for the adventure instead of one of the other cast of characters. The toads can become a little confusing in the multiplayer games with all the color changes and what not (especially when they both have afire flower or an ice flower). Some reviewers criticize the game because there isn’t an online way to play. To them we say “get real friends, you losers.” Half the fun is yelling at each other while you’re in the same room. If that’s your one complaint about the game you’re only complaining for the sake of complaining, and you probably have no real friends.

Nintendo need not fear, OW will continue it’s support for the time being, but our expectations have been raised. We hope Nintendo follows up with a new Zelda game on the Wii with the same format as Link to the Past (and why not make that a multiplayer game also). Sega on the other hand continues to be on our shit list and will still not be allowed to make a new system. For now they are denigrated to making games for their one time biggest competitors until we decide otherwise. As for the other game produces they should take note of the power we here at OW wield. With a single swipe of the OW sword companies fall, lives are changed, and fates are decided. We hope the age of realism in games is in it’s death throws. If not we might have to make some decisions, no longer will OW sit idly by while terrible games like Pokemon, Sonic the hedgehog, and Killzone 2 are made. Gaming industry you’ve been warned!

Our Rating:

5. Super Mario 2

The amount of unnecessary controversy surrounding Super Mario Brothers 2 is unprecedented. If you hear someone complaining about a Super Mario Brothers game it’s probably Mario 2 because its not like Mario 1 or 3, which are supposed to be the “authentic” Marios. Looking back, and playing through Super Mario All Stars though, Mario 2 comes as a treat, with its completely different game playing style and colourful imagery. You could choose between Mario, Luigi, princess, and Toad, giving you more options than Mario 1 and 3 (although Toad proves to be worthless). Each had their own special abilities. With the Princess, you could float across major parts of levels, which was a fun new addition to the Mario saga. There was also a variety of level-styles which was also welcome, as in some levels you were digging through a pyramid, and others, going into underground labyrinths to find keys to use elsewhere in the level. Some people have a problem that the game is a blatant rip of “Doki Doki Panic” for the Super Famicon (Japanese NES), but this in no way effects the playability and general enjoyment of the game. Gamers always need something to complain about, but for those who don’t care about the rip off and just play the game, they are in for a welcome surprise. The creators of this game had good taste in what to ape.

4. New Super Mario Wii

Super Mario Wii made it’s dominating entrance into the video game market this year with an incredible battle mode. A race to collect coins and kill each other would make this hyperactive battle the best for the Wii thus far. The feeling of getting thrown off a ledge by player 2 is excruciating because you have to bubble your way back to him to get out, and of course he being the ass he is, will run away from you the whole damn time leaving you with no coins and himself with all the coins, including the big coins worth 10 a piece! It’s paramount that you don’t die in this game, but this is rather hard when playing a difficult level trying to collect as many coins as you can. A good strategy? Collect a couple coins, kill player 2 before he’s able to collect any and then kill yourself. You win 2-0!

3. Super Mario World

Super Mario World is often over-looked as one of the best Mario games of all time. Usually people will tell you that Super Mario 1 or Super Mario 3 are the best Mario games ever. But go back and put in your “Super Mario All Stars and Super Mario World” cartridge into your SNES and you’ll probably find yourself playing this game more than any other. Why? Because its fun. In comparison to today’s games which focus on better graphics and more gore, this game focused on fun. And in this respect this game succeeded beyond measure. Tell me that you didn’t have fun bouncing around on the dolphins on top of the Vanilla Dome. Or riding around the winged platforms in the Forest of Illusion. Or eating monty moles with Yoshi. No, Super Mario World wasn’t a hard game (with the exception of Tubular in the Special World). But it was definitely a fun game. And in the end that’s really all that matters.

2. Super Mario Brothers 1

Super Mario Brothers 1 was the game that put video games on the map. Granted other video games existed before Super Mario brothers, but none stirred the hearts and control pads of the masses quite like this one. After all, who could resist Mario and Luigi? They were more than just a couple of brothers in the plumbing business, they were bad ass renegades who didn’t think twice about stomping mushroom traitors or kicking turtle soldier shell butt clear across mushroom kingdom if it meant saving Princess Toadstool. Speaking of the princess, she was smokin’ even though they hadn’t pixelated cleavage yet. This is a game that had it all, bizarre villains, midgets, hot princesses, and wanton fireball destruction. All in all, the original Super Mario Brothers was a fun game, but it also taught us some important life lessons: much like you can’t go back on a screen, you can’t go back in life. Once you make a choice you are stuck with it. Eat your vegetables and you’ll grow big and strong, always chase stars, no matter where they lead you, if you eat a flower you just end up spitting fire, and with a little manual labour you’ll find gold coins in the most unlikely places. Yes, this game was a true classic that created a whole generation of super gamers and maybe some renegade plumbers too.

1. Super Mario Brothers 3

Ask most people what their favorite Super Mario Brothers game is and more than likely they’ll tell you that its Super Mario Brothers 3, and with good reason. This game is packed with tons of power ups, from the almost useless frog suit, to my own personal favorite, the Tanooki Suit. The game is also packed with so many different types of levels, varying from desert worlds to ice worlds, that you’d think you were in the Star Wars galaxy traveling from Tatoonie to Hoth. But this variety of power ups and levels isn’t the only reason this game is loved by millions. Its the little things. Like a level where you get to ride around in a giant shoe and actually stomp on spinys (tell me you haven’t wanted to do that since you first saw them in SMB1). Or a the massive number of secrets in the game like the treasure ships and white mushroom huts. This game was truly epic from beginning to end, making it not only the best Mario game of all time, but perhaps the best VIDEO GAME of all time.

10. Super Street Fighter 2

All those characters, all those moves, all those different areas to fight in. With all this diversity in game play, you could play this game for hours. Just when you thought that Dhalism was the character to choose because of his long reach, you realized that Ryu could easily penetrate this by throwing fireballs at him from a distance. When you thought you couldn’t beat your expert friend at the game, all you had to do was choose M.Bison and do his super move into your friend’s character back and forth forever. All these different techniques and all these different ways at stopping the techniques. This was only on 2 player mode. In 1 player mode you had to beat the game with all those characters. This game was endless fun and would solidify itself as the ultimate fighting series in fighting game history.

9. GoldenEye 007

007 was patently addicting. How ridiculously amazing the multiplayer action was made this one of the most re-playable games of all time. Almost every level was amazing to play in (except for the cavernous areas). Who could ever forget “The Facility”; the premiere 3D shooter level in all of gaming history? Play this with Rockets, Proxies, whatever you wanted, and this level would be amazing. The most fun a person can have playing this game is have 2 people secretly gang up on a 3rd person in the facility playing with proxy detonators. You throw them in every spot where a player can start and all that the player getting wrecked can do is press start and die. Controllers will be broken after this, possibly along with some jaws. This game can be played forever. It’s possibly the best 3D shooter ever made.

8. Doctor Mario

Tetris on Acid? Doctor Mario was a different approach to Tetris. The goal was to rid your screen of all the viruses. You did this by connecting the blocks with the appropriate colors coming down from your blocks. The way you laid the blocks down was vastly different from Tetris. Some sideways laying you would do in Doctror Mario, you would never do in Tetris. A great idea off the already great Tetris, Doctor Mario solidified itself as one of the better multiplayer games for the 8 and 16bit platforms.

7. Rampart

Rampart was a pure strategy game that would become endless fun upon learning how to actually play it. Don’t count on learning how to play it when playing the computer 1 on 1. The computer will destroy you with the first shots from their ships. Play against a friend and figure it out, then you will know the power in the replayability of this game. You choose your main castle and build around it to fortify the castle and the eventual cannons that go inside of it. Your opponent then smashes your walls to pieces. After this you’re in rebuilding mode taking pieces (much like Tetris) and putting them in place to envelop your castle and retain the points needed to win a match. Great game, great concept, this game can be played for hours.

6. Bomberman 1

Bomberman 1 was replayable in numerous ways. Firstly it had an amazing co-op 2 player mode where you had to destroy level upon level, boss upon boss. Not losing your weapons was key to winning at this game. Once you lost your weapons and had to start over from the level you were at with no weapons, it was deflating. Playing the battle mode was a joy too, but you had to start at level 1 difficulty or the computer would have it’s way with you. They would race around, trapping you in corners while you were just trying to find an extra bomb to lay down. Once mastered though, you could increase difficulty level and feel proud of the fact that you were challenging the well-programmed computer. Then it was just you and your human opponent fighting for Bomberman supremacy.

5. WWF Royal Rumble

WWF Royal Rumble was a great game. You could replay matches against opponents, have tag team matches and Royal Rumble it up against the computer and friends, and of course this game had Mr. Perfect in it, making it one of the most perfect games of all time. Believe it or not, this game isn’t just button smashing, but knowing when to eye gouge and to kick your opponent when he was down (as this would do a large amount of damage to him). The button smashing came in the grapples against the rope when you needed to throw them over the ropes. This game was classic, and not just because Mr. Perfect was in it, although that helped.

4. Metal Warriors

Metal Warriors is the ultimate Mutiplayer game for the sci-fi fan. Robots, rockets, different levels; this game was the sci-fi gamer fan’s dream. All the robots had different characteristics. Some would have agility but not a lot of strength. Others would barely be able to move because they were so slow but a couple shots of their weapon would destroy their opponent. The replayability factor came in the fact of trying to master all the different robots. Accordingly, you should be able to beat any robot that you choose regardless of how weak some may seem when you use them for the first time. To become the ultimate Metal Warrior player, you had to master all the robots. This made it one of the most re-playable games of all time.

3. Mario Kart Double Dash

As was stated in previous lists, Mario Kart Double Dash took up most of this author’s college life. It singlehandedly brought downmy GPA from a 3.8 to a 3.4. Papers were edited in haste as coming in a close first at the Mushroom Cup proved to be more important than letting your professor know that you weren’t lazy and actually spent time looking over your papers. Mario Kart excelled in replayability because not only could you have race battle, but the battle mode was even more addicting. All the levels were designed perfectly and the skill required to become good at the game kept growing the more each player played.   Much time had to have been put into this game for this to occur. Mario Kart Double Dash will always prove itself as the ultimate racing game.

2. Super Bomberman 2

With 4 players Super Bomberman 2 is the ultimate replayable game. You could go 7 hours straight without thinking of drink or food playing this game. Bombs, explosions, kicking the bombs into explosions right where your opponent is and then accidentally hitting the other opponent…man what a feeling. Sometimes you’ll start a battle mode and everyone’s already dead in 5 seconds and you ask yourself “What did I do”? but you’ll happily take the win. There are numerous battle areas, some great, some good, and some really really bad. Just avoid the really bad ones and this is one of the most fun multiplayer games of all time.

1. WWF Raw

WWF Raw is the most Re-Playable game of all time. It has many modes to play, but most importantly it has the Royal Rumble mode. The only thing missing from the game is that Mr. Perfect wasn’t included. Instead you have to deal with the utterly annoying and uncontrollable Luna Vacahon (weren’t Women supposed to be relegated to the managerial role in wrestling?). Besides this small shortcoming to the game though, you were in for endless hours of button smashing. Start drinking while playing this and you could go into the morning playing this game. You’ll be in your 12th beer and not notice that your button smashing abilities haven’t unraveled even though your hand muscles are strained to the limits. At the end of the match though, you’re literally breathing as if you ran a marathon because of how much energy you put into throwing opponents over the ropes. The satisfaction of having no energy left but enduring 6 more wrestlers to win a Royal Rumble is the one of the best that any human being can have. This satisfaction will always bring the player back to playing this incredible game.

10. The first comment is “epic fail”

Epic fail is the go to phrase for the disappointed or angry nerd. Most of these dregs spend so much time playing video games, reading about video games, and being big fat smelly morons that their brains have been turned to mush. Therefore they go for the simplest and easiest way to express their feelings. The fact that this little sentence has three syllables is almost more than the average nerd can bear, hence the even simpler phrase “fail”. Most nerds don’t or can’t read an entire OW article, there are too many words, punctuation marks, and the like. Usually they look at the pictures, read the titles, and then check to see if they should agree with it or write one of the two mentioned phrases above. OW is full of great jokes, deep insight, and thought provoking ideas. But because the average nerd can’t read, most of these gems stay buried in the verdant ore that is OW. One of the best ways to check if you are reading an OW article is to look at the first comment and if its “epic fail” you’re there.

9. You’re at Work and All The Real Gaming Sites Are Blocked

Finally a gaming site that isn’t blocked, thank God. Those TPS reports can do themselves, and who can remember if there is supposed to be a cover sheet these days?  Hmmm this is interesting, it seems to be Nintendo themed but they make fun of Nintendo games, and what are these music lists all about?  That’s weird for a video game site. Strange there doesn’t seem to be any reviews of new games, and boy do they hate Sega. Ahhhh finally some serious articles on violence in video games, its about time somebody started a dialogue on this issue. Wait, I don’t remember Louisiana being like that, and I’m pretty sure Q-bert is on a pyramid not stairs, this doesn’t seem serious at all. Actually these articles are almost irresponsible in the obviously cavalier attitude they are taking about a potentially serious issue. Man I’m starting to use big words too, and for no reason, this website is having a strange effect on me. Okay I guess I’ll just start reading some of their lists…what! This is outrageous, I haven’t finished reading the whole article but now I’m going to leave an angry comment because just the intro to this has mad me so pissed off. Well now I’m distracted from work, angry, and I know I’m not going to be able to get anything done. Stupid website.

8. Full of Pretentious words

To compensate for their lack of wit and jocularity, Old-Wizard uses tangential phrases and tropes to cover their lack of substantiality. Always looking for new ways to say obvious thoughts, Old-Wizard gets out the thesaurus consistently to shower their harangues with a maelstrom of verbosity. What ostensibly appears as a grandiose style is really just a flatulent and purloined panache of hubris. Old-Wizard never makes an admonition towards the exigency of a dictionary when glossematizing their virtual parchments. They just want the reader to suffer through their idiosyncratic language like trying to solve a Rebus. The Old-Wizard Rebus; an eternal elegy for enantiodrama.

7. Not Very Funny

If OW is anything it’s not funny. Boy do we try though, but no matter what we do we just piss people off. Little did we know that nerds can’t take a joke. And God forbid you contradict the generic opinions on all the nerd forums. Nope, the only things that are funny are the things that people have already agreed are funny, oh and cat pictures with weird words typed on them. Those are funny. Mainly because of the extra ‘z’s everywhere. For some reason nerds like to see “z”s in cat pictures but do not like rap or hip hop because of the extra z’s and miss pronunciation of words. Just to be clear cat pictures are good because of the miss spelled words and extra z’s, rap/hip hop bad because of the miss pronounced words and extra z’s. According to the nerd community, as expressed through comments on our webpage and nerd forums, all OW does is make fun of stereotypes and that’s not funny. If, on the other hand, we posted pictures of cats we would be geniuses. We have learned that the only thing you can’t make fun of in the nerd community is the nerds themselves. Even when it’s not only funny but also true, which is the best kind of funny in our book. No OW is just a big mean website that is the bully of the internet community.

6. Not Very Insightful

God these jerks are so shallow. All they do is make fun of how fat, smelly, and gross I am. I’m so tired of hearing how I live in my parent’s basement, how my t-shirts aren’t funny, how extra baggy shorts which go down to my shoes aren’t pants, how there are more colors than black, how being a virgin isn’t a choice, how doing exactly what my gamer friends do isn’t unique, and how not taking my personal hygiene seriously is a big deal. Let’s be honest I don’t want to be another one of those corporate robots who go to work, have friends, hang out in public, have girlfriends, have money, have parties, have fun, laugh, go outside during the day, dress nice, shower, and generally look happy and presentable. They are only doing that because society dictates they have to. No, no, I’m happy in my little basement paradise. I love that nobody takes me seriously, that I don’t leave my mark on the world, that I haven’t contributed anything to society, that I just sit here and consume other people’s ideas and then rant how I could do it better using my parent’s computer and internet connection and then never doing it. No, I’m happy and this website never makes me think at all. Just because they write things I’ve never read before and have opinions I’ve never heard before doesn’t make them as cool as they think they are. Nope I’m going to go on my favorite forum and agree with everyone else about whatever they already think is cool.

5. You’re Offended

On many occasions we have stated that we are only creating this website for our own personal entertainment. We don’t care what most people think, and we are never happier than when people write us angrily disagreeing with our opinions. Generally speaking we despise all things mainstream and rarely agree with the internet status quo. Despite this, our readership keeps growing and over 80% of those coming to OW return. We can only assume that we are so smart, so far above average, so much better, and so different than you that it pisses you off to know end. One of the things we love above all is making fun of stereotypes. First because they are funny, and secondly people actually believe them. Go to a comicon, electronics trade show, or any other nerdfest and tell me that stereotypes don’t exists. All of these people are dressed exactly the same, terribly dressed I might add, and all of them claim to be unique or different. How? You look just like the next fat slob. Oh its society’s problem, no my friend it’s yours! You not taking your own appearance seriously is your problem, not society’s. The uniqueness of a person lies only in the personality, looking like, acting like, and dressing like a scum bag does in fact make you a scum bag. Are you offended? You should be.

4. You’re Bored

If OW is one thing its boring. All the articles are the same. Yes we get it Sega sucks, how many different ways can these idiots possibly say that? Yes, yes Oasis is the best and it’s completely obvious that the Beatles copied them. Man reading these articles makes me sleepy, not angry, nope just sleepy. Everything on this place is exactly the same as everything else on the internet. Nope, nothing new here all, the same and so boring. Oh look they think Mario is better than Sonic, well who doesn’t?  Nobody in their right mind would like Sonic more. Yup they think Sonic is a copy of Mario too, well so does everybody, who cares? Yeah this place isn’t different who cares blah, blah, blah. Its all the same.

3. Mentions Oasis

It should be known that the only person here at OW that truly loves Oasis is ZM. His office at OWHQ is a veritable shrine to them. What’s worse is that there is absolutely no arguing with him about it at all. He knows so many stats, figures, and facts that you become instantly bogged down in numbers, conspiracy theories, and youtube videos. Once we had an intervention with all of our friends and family. Afterword he had convinced five new people about the superiority of Oasis and sold copies of his CDs, needless to say it was a total disaster. What’s worse is that he tries to get the staff to slip his ideas into their articles. If you’re writing anything positive about music you’ll hear, “Oasis has to be number one, to keep the website consistent.” Why we have to be consistent about Oasis and absolutely nothing else completely escapes both myself and DM entirely. Hopefully this article makes it past the ZM edit, we’ll see, as he is relentless in his campaign to make sure everyone knows how awesome he thinks Oasis is.  DM and I have completely different musical tastes both from each other and from ZM, but he pays the bills so we are stuck. Go Oasis, Noel Gallager for life, Wonderwall, yeah!

2. Makes fun of Sega

Sega sucks. I know we have beaten that horse to death but we here at OW want to make sure we are on record about our feelings on this issue. If for some reason you are confused about who wrote the article see if it makes fun of Sega for no reason at all. I once wrote an article about economic sustainability of the Ecuadorian grape market as it relates to the Chilean wine industry and was able to slip a backhanded insult about Sega into the article. Our obsession with the destruction of Sega knows absolutely no bounds and may be the only thing consistent about this website. There isn’t any point in rehashing all the details about why we think Sega sucks, suffice it to say they aren’t in business anymore and are now making games for Nintendo. You can say whatever you want, come up with whatever argument you want; oh Sega was more creative, Sega was art, Sega was this, Sega was that, yeah well, Sega doesn’t make a system anymore. They failed. That is the crux of our argument and we always win our arguments. It’s hard to deny the facts, friends.

1. Written by Zeromage

ZM is the backbone of this bad boy and maybe the shoulders too. Definitely, the backbone, and the shoulders, oh and the brains. ZM is those three things, the backbone, the shoulders, the brains, and the heart. Hmmm, among the many analogies to the human body that ZM represents in reference to the website old-wizard.com he is; the backbone, the shoulders, the heart, the brains, and the lower intestine (because of all the poo this place puts out). He definitely writes the most, but he also stay on top of the rest of us to get shit done too. We all get those IM’s asking if we have the blurbs done or the phone call to shoot some ideas around. Never in my life have I talked to one person so much about how to piss off as many people as possible as I have with ZM. Though pissing off people isn’t really our mission all the time, maybe 25%, generally our opinions are really just that much different from the generic nerdy slobs your find in the N4g forums. There is no doubt however that without this dedicated effort there would be no OW and the world would most certainly be a better place. All those angry nerds could just be mad at is themselves for how much their lives suck. Now thanks to ZM we here at OW have become the scapegoat. So get back on those forums and make sure the world knows just how mad you are at us for pointing out the truth. That’s right we’re not making fun of you we’re telling you the truth….fatty.

10. Skate or Die (NES)

Skate or Die? I would rather die then have to play Skate or Die ever again in this life time. The title screen shows some paltry loser who you want to beat on for looking so clownish. The game irritates you even more. You skate around different areas with the same ramps, same couple of maneuvers, and same impossible controller issues. Then when you finish an area you are bombarded with the same loser from the title screen, this time taking up even more space with his massive poaching noggin (who in their right mind would ever have a mo-hawk?) If you’re going to make a game called Skate or Die, how can it be one of the most pedestrian games ever made? Is it supposed to feel cutting edge because I’m looking at some goon with an ugly green mo-hawk? At least show a little bit of blood or anger when failing at these boring courses so that the game can merit the name “Skate or Die”. The same circle of courses proved to be quickly tedious, with little extra to spark any interest in playing further than five minutes, except if you like looking at 8-bit graphics of infirm skaters that may bring images of a “cool dude” flashing the rock hand signal at you when you were doing something cool. I suspect there are some people who like this trash. I should never meet these people, God willing.

9. Elevator Action (Arcade)

Pac-Man is a simple game and its one of the greatest games of all time. Donkey Kong and the Original Super Mario Brothers are also simple games that rank as some of the best video gaming experiences of all time. Elevator action is also a very simple game, and is one of the worst games of all time, proving that simplicity doesn’t always equal genius. This game gets repetitive quick. Climb down stairs shooting the same fucking sleuth enemies over and over again. Once in awhile, take an elevator down and shoot the same enemies over and over again. The music is deeply irritating and completely uninspired. It’s easy to fall asleep to this music (not in a good Coastal Mario Kart level), which should not be the case for an action thriller that tries to be “edgy”. There’s really nothing more to be said about this game. You will fall asleep 2 minutes into playing Elevator Action or you will be angry it’s so fucking boring. There’s a line between sheer boredom and sheer genius when it comes to overtly simple games like those listed previously. Pac Man you can play for hours and hours on end with a levels that barely change and enemies that only gradually increase in speed and difficulty level. Elevator Action on the other hand you know almost immediately to be tired and uninspired.

8. The Three Stooges (NES)

While most games are bad because the idea of the actual game being played is terrible, or because it is so difficult you can’t get by the first level, “Three Stooges” introduces a new reason why a game can be awful. Three Stooges is basically incomprehensible to play. For the most part you have no idea what you’re doing when you’re playing this game. You press start and you’re taken to an outside street with the three stooges where a Wheel of Fortune wheel comes out of thin air that ostensibly picks what you’re supposed to do in the game. Next you notice you’re in another random place where you have no idea what you’re supposed to do. You’re at a bowl of soup with a spoon in it. There are also what looks like pieces of cat excretion in the soup that you have to eat. Trying to control your spoon proves to be one of the more difficult tasks you will take on in this life. After a couple of minutes of throwing your controller at the screen you hear a sound that sounds like a box fan breaking down which I think is supposed to be one of the 3 stooges getting angry that you didn’t pass a test that you couldn’t control and knew nothing about, and had no idea how you got there, and why your eating soup with ambiguous objects inside. You next may randomly find yourself in a hospital flying down an operating room with a nurse picking up things she’s dropping. You have no idea what you’re picking up though. Once again, trying to control this fiasco proves excessively enigmatic, and once again you will be throwing your controller at the screen.

This game is so bad, it’s difficult to review any longer. This is a perfect example of what happens when you try to take something from the TV or movie screen and apply it to video gamedom. Creators who want to cash in on screen success pay no attention to the garbage they’re putting out for the video game.
7. Ghosts n’ Goblins

A reoccurring theme for the top 10 worst games of all time has been when games have been so difficult that you had to buy a new tv from smashing your controller against it too much. There is no game that exemplifies this upshot from sheer difficulty like Ghosts ‘n Goblins. 1/8th through the first level you’re surrounded by mounds and mounds of enemies. As you’re walking as your character, you’re basically surrounded by a force field of enemies coming at you from every possible angle. Okay, maybe if you had a lot of energy or someone decent armor, you could take the level one onslaught of nefarious enemies. As you walk, you see you do have armor, looks like pretty strong armor, until a weak ass looking bird swoops down, barely hits you, and your armor comes flying off. Not even faux-Halloween armor is this poor. I’m pretty sure that if a bird touched a plastic armor suit that you wore for Halloween, it wouldn’t come flying off. As your worthless armor comes flying off, you’re left with an almost-naked character who is left with nothing on except underwear. Q: Who wears nothing under armor? Am I inept to mid-evil tradition or is there something completely untenable about someone wearing nothing under armor? Your basically left naked running around in the wild with a force field of petulant enemy’s surrounding you at every second. This stultifying game play leads you to give up after 1 to 2 minutes making you feel like shit and making you retire to much more germane games with more sane difficulty levels. When programmers make these games, don’t they realize these most obvious setbacks for the player? Setbacks so large, that they stop playing the game after 5 minutes?

6. Joust (NES)

Joust is unbearably boring. Same screen, same enemies, same poor sounds, no music. If one were looking for a legal soporific agent, Joust would be your best treatment. Who could possibly think this idea would keep the attention of the player beyond 30 seconds? When designing this game, who thought that this 1 screen sleep fest would be enough to justify its place in an entire cartridge? At least have a 2nd game packaged along with this garbage. At least have some weak ass side scroller with your jouster (who looks more like a flying ostrich) killing medieval enemies. Speaking of the enemies, what exactly are these things? How come all the players and enemies in “Joust” look like poorly designed birds? In Joust, you’re enveloped with one boring game, controlling something that looks like a bird, fighting against things that may or may not be more birds. Yes, the controls are simple; yes the concept is simple, but so simple that you don’t know why you should be playing this game after 30 seconds. That this ever retained a place in an arcade is beyond me. The sight of this NES cartridge at a used video game store induces the largest of yawns.

5. Muscle (NES)

The NES had a myriad of decent wrestling games under its belt including “Pro Wrestling” and “Wrestlemania”. It also held the worst wrestling game ever made, none other than “Muscle”. The biggest reason why Muscle is a terrible game is because of how boring it is. There are no moves, no real characters, and no dialogue. You start off the game by choosing between 9 ostensibly different players, who in reality are all exactly the same, except a slight discrepancy in the color of outfits and shape of face. The game is completely silent. You would think that if a wrestling game is going to be made, at least include some tension and excitement by adding crowd noise and an announcer, albeit an 8 bit incoherent announcer. You get none of this with “Muscle”. You get no music, no crowd noise, 2 or 3 boring moves with no choice of different characters unless your duped into thinking changing masks makes a wrestler completely different. It took about 3 minutes of playing this game to realize that you wasted 3 dollars on renting this soporific excuse for a wrestling game. Bring on “Pro Wrestling” where I can bash “Amazon” on the head with a steel chair and can use a character with a giant star in the middle of his head (Hint: When making games, use your fucking imagination!).

4. Paperboy (NES)

When you first see this game, you see the cover with a munificent, happy-go-lucky paperboy delivering papers. You think to yourself, well, a game about being a paper boy can’t be that much fun…but maybe it’s some sort of super-hero paperboy and that’s the reason why he’s so happy on the front cover! The game is opposite of the cover. After you play this game for 10 minutes, you realize the front cover should be a paperboy irritable beyond all bounds and maybe even sticking his middle finger up at the street dancers who have nowhere to dance except right in the middle of the fucking street you have to deliver on.

It’s 8 o’ clock on a Monday morning and what does the entire neighborhood you deliver to do? They get up 2 hours early to conspire against you and make it impossible to get through half the street before you’re either run over, beat with a spatula, or have a myriad of dogs chasing you. If this game is going to be as difficult as it is, at least have an option of changing routes. At least be able to tell off your boss for giving you such a shitty route where you cant get half way down the street without your life being threatened with people who have nothing better to do than to try to dominate the paper boy. If they really don’t want their paper, then fuck them. Even if you’re able to evade the infinite obstacles towards delivering to 1 house, finding the accuracy to throw a paper into a mailbox is just as tendentious. Most of the time you lose points because your papers gravitate towards breaking the glass of the houses with people who spend their waking lives trying to destroy the paperboy.

This game is tedious, grossly difficult, and absolutely no fun. To rent a game and not be able to get half way through the first level no matter what you do is lugubrious to say the least. This may be the worst game ever released for a platform system.

3. Fatal Fury (Sega Genesis)

Fatal Fury was fun to play for 2 seconds because of how obvious of a rip off it was of Street Fighter. It was the poor man’s Street Fighter, literally and figuratively. The characters were poorly conceived, the after-fight dialogues were a monstrosity of Van Damnesque platitudes, and the final boss was about as scary as a 4th grade trick or treater in a Wonder Woman outfit. Your friend bought this game when he couldn’t afford the real Street Fighter which would go anywhere from $40-$50 dollars. Fatal Fury was a $20 dollar game and it showed. This however did not stop your friend from calling you up and saying “I got this game Fatal Fury that may be better than Street Fighter”, much to your laughter as you realize your friend made a competition out of who had the better video games (These are the people you would often find with books lying around entitled “How to start a conversation and make friends”). Fatal Fury remains one of the more poor attempts at a two player coin-op style fighting game. Combine goofy characters with derivative moves and conspicuous hopes of being “the next Street Fighter”, and you will get this impoverished piece of crap.

2. Shaq Fu (Sega Genesis)

Shaq Fu for the Sega Genesis is probably the worst conceived game ever to come out for any platform system. The story line is so abominable that you almost wish that a completely incoherent one was substituted as to give the idea of the storyline being more enigmatic. You are Shaq, somehow in Tokyo, where you are discovered by some zen karate master who says that you have come from some distant planet to save the world (I wonder if Shaq himself ever played this, or maybe even wrote this story line?). After you endure the blatantly uninspired storyline, you have to endure the worst 2 player fighting game of all time. The controlling in this game is incomprehensible. The best thing you can do is just hammer the buttons of your controller with your hands and watch the screen, hoping your capricious hammering of the controller will cause a victory against the most banal of opponents. Looking at the screen doesn’t help the cause either because how dumb it looks to see hackneyed monsters fighting a big dude in basketball shorts. Once you lose because the controlling is so irritating, you have to endure more uninspired dialogue from enemies with 80 times more skill than you have as Shaq. Your opponents can basically throw the elements at you, they can throw fucking planets at you, while you’re left to a high kick and a low kick depending on which buttons your randomly smashing. With a name like “Shaq Fu”, you had to know this game was going to be bad, but you were not in store for how bad it was until you actually played it for yourself.

1. E.T. (Atari 2600)

As a child in the 80’s, E.T. was a HUGE part of my life. It was the first, second, and third movie I saw in a theater. It made Reese’s Pieces my favourite candy. It forced me to ride my Star Wars Huffy off of small ledges in hopes of flying my chubby silhouette in front of the moon. Maybe the greatest of all, it took away all fear of aliens I may have had. You could imagine my excitement when my father came home with this game, his face lit up like he was my age, and led me by the hand to the beloved Atari 2600.

The point of this game is to find pieces of your ship in order to get home. The pieces are located in what can only be described as pits that ET falls into periodically. I have never made it out of the first pit. It’s been rumoured that there are 5 levels of almost identical game play. I’ve heard there are also enemies, and that eating Elliott gives you power ups…I have seen none of these things. I start the game, fall in a hole, and never get out.

This game single-handedly destroyed Atari and its legacy. They had produced so many cartridges of this game that were never sold they actually had to buy land in New Mexico and create an E.T. landfill in the desert, ouch. They tried to follow on the coat tails of Tron and capitalize on the E.T. brand, but all they ended up doing was starting a long tradition of crappy games based on movies. Thanks E.T., you crushed my childhood and gave me a reason to go outside to play in traffic.

Is Mario And luigi gay lovers?

No they are brothers.

Is the Mario Bros real?

Yes they are. They are two brothers who eat mushrooms and flowers, wear weird suits and capes, and save princesses from gigantic lizards. We thought that this was obvious.

How old are Mario and Luigi?

Depends. Did they go straight to trade school right out of high school? Did they apprentice right away? Maybe they decided to travel the world first, find themselves, see the aqueducts, and once they understood what it truly meant to be a plumber, then go back to school. So they could be anywhere between 18 and 40.

Why can’t Sonic be better than Mario My brother always was thinking that Sonic is better?

Your brother is obviously stupid. Sonic is not a bad game it’s just not a great game. You see, Mario Brothers is ground breaking, creative, and, at the time, completely new and different. Mario pushes the borders of gaming. Sonic, and Sega in general, are more of the status quo. Sonic was derivative, which means ‘loose copy of.’ You see, in terms of marketing it was close enough to Mario, but also just different enough to attempt compete with Mario. Sega was never capable of being truly new and innovative, they only pushed the boundary for the sake of pushing boundary, which is one of the many reasons they failed. Sonic can’t be better than Mario because Mario is better than Sonic. Do you see? It’s really quite simple.