Today the particle accelerator in Geneva has been fired up, some scientist think this experiment might create a black hole (alias a small amount of neutron matter=neutron star=black hole) do you think we are looking at a power source similar to the romulan one? spoken of in the episode of TNG “Time Squared” just curious about your opinion, I hope it will bring us closer to dilithium crystal fusion

There are so many things wrong with this question I have no idea where to start. Neutron matter does not equal neutron star which does not equal a black hole. They are very different things. I have no idea what Romulans use for power but do know that there is no such thing as dilithium crystals. Lithium is the third element in the periodic table and contains one electron in it’s valence shell. It is highly reactive and quickly forms a black oxide layer when exposed to moist environments. It can be made into crystals which form a BCC unit cell that contain 2 atoms per cell. That being said the word dilithium is meaningless. Our opinion is that you, like most of our readers, is a gigantic weirdo who thinks they understand science because they like Start Trek. The accelerator in Geneva will bring us no closer to understanding an episode of Star Trek, it may bring us closer to understanding how the universe was created and fundamentals of subatomic particles.

Where and when did the letter Q come from?

From the alphabet. It’s roots are from the ancient Egyptian hieroglyph and semitic word for ‘cord of wool.’ The exact when is up for debate as written records for that time tend to not write about the written records themselves.

Will they ever do a Star Trek Voyager movie?

Let’s hope not. God was that show terrible. They only thing that saved it was that we got to see the Borg own a good 1/4 of the galaxy. That was great. They should do an entire show on the Borg. I hated that show.

In the episode The Naked Now Just before the star collapses, the Enterprise is seen, in orbit, hovering over the Tsiolkovsky. But in the next scene, the star collapses and the Enterprise is 15 minutes away.

Really!?!? In the next scene!?!? Wow, hmmm, does that mean the advanced the story without the permission of the viewer? Wait is this even a question or are you just telling us that it happened. I don’t understand.

Why has no one ever recorded the lyrics to the original Star Trek theme?

Are there lyrics to the star trek theme? I thought it was because Gene Roddenberry loved classical music and just wanted a simple intro. Who cares?

In the holodeck, Data throws a rock at the wall. It hits the wall and the image of green plants temporarily blurs into squares. Shouldn’t the holodeck dissolve the rock and show a picture of the rock landing on the ground?

What!?!? That’s terrible. Those holodecks are always causing problems. I guess you’re right I don’t know though.

Ask Old-Wizard, Star Trek Edition, Part 1

10. Roddy Piper Vs Superfly Jimmy Snuka

An old match, but one that should not be overlooked. This is when both Roddy Piper and Jimmy Snuka were coming into their own trying to show the audience their meddle and intestinal fortitude in the match. Superfly is actually favored over Roddy before the match. Superfly starts of dominating the match with his quickness and thrusting chops. Piper pulls out all the tricks in the book with an eye gouge that impairs Snuka for some time which gives Piper some time to hammer Snuka. Reverse throws against the ropes turn into sleeper moves for both opponents. The match goes outside of the ring numerous times. When back in the ring, Snuka attacks Pipers head like he’s striking a coconut Snuka tries his big leap from the top ropes but Piper catches him and throws him against the ropes which subsequently takes Snuka out of the ring. The miscalculated jump keep Snuka outside the ring for enough time to be counted out. After this warlike battle, Piper wins the match. One match not to be missed.

9. Undertaker VS Yokozuna (1994 Royal Rumble Casket Match)

Undertaker would beat Yokozuna in a Casket Match a couple years past this Casket Match, but for wrestling and entertainment purposes, the 1994 Casket Match was the best with undertake losing. Yokozuna fought his heart out and propped up quicker to fight than any match before. He wanted to sell this fight (maybe because he knew he would win). The Undertake was still in his agile stage tight roping the ropes and knocking down the massive Yokozuna consistently. The heart of the match though is when 10 wrestlers came down to the right alongside Yokozuna and his manager to help Yokozuna put The Undertaker in the casket. Watching the Undertaker beat up in 12 different men for 5 minutes was one of Undertakers greatest moments. At the end of the match though, The Undertaker was stuffed in the casket and just about as he was about to be wheeled away in the casket, lighting strook, and The Undertaker appear on the highlight screen to say he will be back in all his lugubrious parlance. After this, he apperably flew out of the arena. A truly supernatural experience for anyone watching.

8. Ultimate Warrior Vs Macho Man (Wrestlemania 7; Career ending match)

This career ending match would never be forgotten. These two fought as hard as they ever had in their life. Talk about a back and forth match. Here were two wrestlers with like intensity. Here were two of the most intense wrestlers in WWF history. From the start The Warrior expectedly takes it to Macho Man. Punches move onto body slams before Macho Man’s resiliency comes into play where he connects a clothesline on The Warrior. Still after this, right when he’s about to gain momentum, he tries a body fly into The Warrior off the ropes where Warrior catches him and down goes Macho Man again. The match continues like this for awhile. Warrior though can’t pin Macho Man for all his attempts in the match which makes him shoulder tackle Macho Man 3 times out of the ring, each time Warrior throwing him back in for another Shoulder tackle. After the 3rd though, Macho Man was out. After the Warriors win, Queen Sherri gets angry and starts beating up on Macho Man herself much to the Ire of Queen Elizabeth who comes down from the stands and takes Sherri’s hair and whips her out of the run; a truly romantic moment in WWF lore. Macho Man and Elizabeth exit the ring together and all is well.

7. Hulk Hogan Vs Ultimate Warrior (Wrestlemania 6)

One of the most anticipated matches of all time. Here in this match we would see if Hogan would retain his belt and continue his dynasty or hand it off to The Ultimate Warrior the way that Andre bestowed it upon Hogan in WM3. Two of the most beloved wrestlers of all time fighting for the grand prestige of staged-wrestling myth. Both men throughout the entire match show immense power. The match is more of a show of strength than a pure wrestling match. Power grip battles ensue, blocks off the ropes run right into the other without the other moving. Hogan slams Warrior hard and Warrior gets right back up. After the show of strength, the match turns into a street brawl with slaps, punches and clothesline at every angle. Near falls happen every 20 seconds accordingly. Hogan gains his rest by putting on his fake sleeper hold. A double clothes line 2 minutes later leaves both dead tired in the middle of the ring; a true match of attrition and endurance. The ref wants to count out both because they’re both not getting up. Both men of course get up. A match this big would never end in a draw. Toward the end of the match, The Warrior shows a feat of strength moment almost on part with Hogan body slamming Andre the Giant by gorilla pressing the massive Hogan. After a missed leg drop, The Warrior takes advantage with a body splash that ends the match and has The Ultimate Warrior as the operable successor to Hogan. As a romantic end to the match, Hogan and the Warrior embrace as the passing of the torch was thought to have happened for Hogan. If Hogan only knew then how fickle the Warrior would become.

6. Undertaker Vs Giant Gonzales (Wrestlemania 9)

One of the most underrated matches of all time was between The Undertaker and Giant Gonzales. As all wrestling fans know, Giant Gonzales was the first to punish The Undertaker during a previous Royal Rumble to a point where The Undertaker was barely able to move. The match in Wrestlemania 9 ended in a disqualification but it was a true David and Goliath battle with Undertaker ironically playing the part of David. Right when he comes into the ring he looks straight up at the beast that is Giant Gonzalez. Gonzales tries to keep smashing him in the back and every time The Undertaker stands straight back up to him. This wasn’t a traditional wrestling match. It was full of big foots, massive punches, and monster choke holds. These wrestlers wanted to kill each other. For better or worse, Giant Gonzales dominated much of the match but The Undertaker kept getting up at every attack. Giant Gonzales put up a never ending sleeper/choke hold on The Undertaker that took The Undertake to his knees. With the urn raised though, he rose back up. Gonzales throws him right out of the ring after this though. Once again, Undertaker keeps raising up; truly the living dead. Then 9 minutes in the match the Undertaker finally takes control with massive choke smashes to Giant Gonzales’s throat. For the first time in the Giants career he falls to the canvas. The match gets Dqued in Undertaker’s favor at the end when Giant Gonzales decides to attack everyone including Paul Bearer, all the Referees who come down to take a out a possibly unconscious Undertaker who was seemingly chocked to death by Giant Gonzales towards the end. As The Undertaker is being wheeled out on a stretcher though (with Giant Gonzalez still in the ring). Just as The Undertaker is finally wheeled into the backstage he comes back out with a new disposition that has never showed before. He comes back to the ring not in his traditional slow funeral march, but walks titled ready for street brawl with Giant Gonzales. He comes back in and starts slugging Giant Gonzales in the face. After three clotheslines, Giant Gonzales goes down for good. Gonzalez tries to get out of the ring but the Undertaker follows him (with Bearer trying to restrain him). The match ends with 10 official security men coming out to break up the match. This match was really a tie. No matter how hard Gonzales would crush Undertaker he wouldn’t stay down. This match could theoretically go on forever making it one of the greatest matches of all time.

5. Ric Flair VS Ricky Steamboat (Wrestlemania ‘89)

Ric Flair was involved in many great matches throughout his storied career but none on par with Ricky Steamboat in Wrestlemania ‘89. Ricky the Dragon Steamboat was involved in many great matches himself often carrying matches where he looked like the better wrestler but lost. Never in a match did near falls look so believable. What you had on your hand were two natural wrestlers wrestling naturally (Ric Flair is not nominated “The Nature Boy” for nothing). The contest was a back and forth matchup that ended abruptly in Rick Flair rolling of Steamboat for the 3 count just after Steamboats domination of Flair throughout the ending of the match. A simple slam turned into a perfect roll up with Ric Flair using his wrestling prowess to get himself out of a jam with someone that was clearly overmatching him. Ric Flair though had more tricks than any wrestler in history. This is a perfect example of those sudden tricks.

4. Undertaker Vs Hulk Hogan (Survivor Series 1991)

For what it’s worth, the most tragic moment that ever happened in the WWF was when The Undertaker beat Hulk Hogan in the Survivor Series 1991. It was so severe that McMahon immediately had to setup a match the week later where Hogan regained the belt because of how dramatic of a loss it was. People were crying in the audience, people were saying they were never watch wrestling again because of how sad they were. This is staged-wrestling by the way and this match was about to crush an industry. The match itself showed The Undertaker in his prime; not showing any emotion, being impervious to pain, and dominating most of the match. Hogan was thoroughly dominated during the whole match. The Undertaker showed agility that no one his size in the WWF had ever shown. Just watch his flying fist late in the match and how quickly he turns towards the urn after. It was during Undertakers first Tombstone though where Hogan immediately got up, something that Gorilla Monsoon would say had never happened before. Undertaker regardless kept after Hogan. Ric Flair (who was grudging with Hogan at the time) came down to the ring and Hogan took his eye off the prize. He went outside the ring to attack Flair. After Hogan got back into the ring, fighting ensued including a big boot from Hogan to the Undertaker. Undertaker got up immediately picked up Hogan and Tombstoned him on a chair that Flair put on the ring (of course Hogan’s head was about a good foot away from touching the chair). It was after this that The Undertaker pinned the Undertaker and for a moment the wrestling world turned upside down. There has never been a more dramatic and somber crowd reaction then after this pin count in WWF history. People just couldn’t believe it. Their hero was destroyed and eternal tragedy reigned! If only McMahon could have let this affect linger on a little longer, he might have been regarded as a modern Wagner!

3. Bret Hart Vs Mr. Perfect (Summerslam 91)

Bret Hart vs Mr.Perfect Summerslam 1991(Intercontinental Title)

Ankit | MySpace VideoYou put these two in the ring and you’re going to get both a great wrestling match and a show. Every time Mr.Perfect knocks down Bret Hart, Bret Hart counters with a kick from the ground that sends Mr. Perfect flying. They both quickly get to their feat where Bret Heart bodyslams Perfect. This match happens quick because these wrestlers have endurance and an infinite amount of moves. This match goes back and forth between perfect wrestling and street brawl. You can see the amount of energy that each put into the match by how hard Bret Hart is breathing and Mr.Perfect’s blue tights getting ripped off. Mr. Perfect executes perfect back body drops. The match becomes best when it becomes pure improv. Bret Hart will swing Mr.Perfect off the ropes and Mr.Perfect will clutch on with a sleeper hold. This play goes back and forth for awhile. The best part of this match is how perfectly everything is executed from suplexes to elbows off the top ropes. The match ends with Hart sharp-shootering Mr. Perfect in the center of the ring where Hart becomes the new intercontinental champion. As far as a more perfectly executed match goes, nothing beat this; after all Mr. Perfect is in it.

2. Hulk Hogan Vs Andre the Giant (Wrestlemania 3)

In the intro, when talking about matches that changed the WWF, Hulk Hogan VS Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania one was probably the biggest one. In the Pontiac Silver Dome, a jam packed arena watched as the two most important figures in wrestling history battled it out not just for the championship, but for who was the king of all wrestling. The match is slow, mainly because Andre is starting to have severe pain at this time in his life. Hogan sells a lot of the match when Andre is in so much pain that he can’t stand up. There are literally times where Hogan is helping him up. The match picks up when Hogan first wanted to end it by body slamming Andre. This failed though and Hogan buckled under the massive weight of the Giant. You can see on Andre’s face that the match was supposed to end there. Andre in pain knew he would have to help Hogan slam him to end it. With all the strength he could muster, he jumped slightly when Hogan tried the second time to slam him and Hogan accomplished the seemingly non-accomplishable. It was here that wrestling changed. It wasn’t with Hogan’s pin or leg drop; it was with the body slam that Hogan became the eternal hero of the WWF. The context of the match has as much to do with it’s greatness as the wrestling. It’s an emotional moment, certainly one of the WWF’s finest.

1. Bret Hart Vs British Bulldog (Summerslam 92)

If you’re going to base this list on the greatest pure wrestling in WWF history than this would be the best match. It’s an experience watching this match. There are so many near falls that you start losing count. The match becomes one near fall after another. Every move each put on each other is a feeling of ending the match. Hart puts the Bulldog in a sharpshooter and Bulldog of course gets to the ropes. The two real life brother in laws would continue making an expose of pure wrestling magic. Bret was using ever move in the book from suplexes to power slams, to gorilla presses. Davey Boy was showing off his strength by bench pressing Hart and slamming him to the ring at all possible chances along with catching him in mid air off the ropes numerous times. The match ended abruptly with Bulldog reversing a sunset flip for a perfect roll up that got the 3 count just in nick time before Hart was able to kick out. One needs to watch this match to experience all the amazing wrestling in it. It was a long match too; a long match of near-perfect execution and endurance, a one for the ages.

10. Million Dollar Dream

This variation of the sleeper hold that The Million Dollar Man executed put all jobbers to sleep. Dibiase would take the jobber’s arm and put it across his throat and then he would put his other arm and apply as much pressure as possible to the neck region. The conclusion? The end of the jobber and his dreams of beating the sly and elusive Million Dollar Man. The end of thinking that he could take the Million Dollar Belt away from The Million Dollar Man. This wasn’t a spectacular move but it yielded it’s exact consequences; the end of a match and the usually the end of the jobber’s 2 month stay in the WWF.

9. Leg Drop

Probably the worst finishing move of all time is also one of the best. I’m quite certain that Hogan could leg drop me 1,000 times and I would get up after the 1,000th time and ask him if he wanted to go get something to eat somewhere. But in the staged wrestling world, The Leg Drop meant everything. It meant the end of the wrestler (except for The Undertaker and The Ultimate Warrior). The lying wrestler would slightly flop as if to signify he was unconscious from the phantom Leg Drop. The degenerate crowd would erupt as if the Leg Drop actually had an impact.

8. Sweet Chin Music

Shawn Michaels executed his finishing move to perfection, showing that he was really an expert at karate. He would get full extension with his leg and kick his opponent into unconsciousness, including the infamous scene in the barbershop where he high kicked Marty Geneti and then subsequently threw him into the glass. Shawn Michaels would have trouble shaking off his heel persona slowly after this, which isn’t a bad thing. Some wrestlers just have it in them to be heels. This move would come suddenly and quickly. When it hit, it was over. Even though this is fake wrestling, you could hear it for miles away. The opponent was actually taking a hit. When watching this move, you could see just how devastating it was.

7. Superfly Splash

Superfly Jimmy Snuka was a high flying character from the rainforest, anthropomorphizing a jungle animal. It was only appropriate that his finishing move involved flying off the top turnbuckle. He wouldn’t just jump off the top ropes either, he would fly off them with arms extended right onto the opponent’s belly, knocking the wind out of him for good. Cameras would all be shooting when Superfly performed this incredible move. No wrestler had flown as high as Superfly. This was more than a memorable finishing move and will always be attempted by those early wrestling fans. Only the degenerates will get hurt though.

6. The Brutal Banzai

The Banzai Drop was a real leg drop because it was coming from someone who was over 500 pounds. This shit could suffocate you. But Yokozuna also had a better finishing move with the Brutal Banzai where he would drag his opponent towards the turnbuckles. Yokozuna would then get on the second ropes and jump off landing his fat ass right on the chest of the opponent. This was hard to watch. When I was young, I always had to turn away when watching this move. How could wrestlers just sit under Yokozuna fat ass even for the 3 count. They must have been breathing for their life during that time. Yokozuna had many refreshing things about him because he was so opposite of the big men that came before him who were just loafs with no endurance.

5. DDT

The DDT by Jake the Snake Roberts was explosive. Like The Perfect Plex, the beauty of the move was that it came from out of nowhere. The wrestling fan could be looking at something else besides the TV screen for just a second before Jake ruthlessly DDT’ed someone to the canvas. The move happened in a matter of seconds and left the jobber unconscious for Jake to pin. Jake’s ruthless nature sometimes made him do 2 or 3 DDT’s to an opponent. Jake loved being the heel. He had the blood of Judas in him and felt no mercy for anyone. A devastating move at such a quick speed, this had to be in the top 10 finishing moves of all time.

4. Tombstone

The Tombstone spelt a certain end for every opponent (except for Hogan). When Undertaker hoisted up the opponent and planted him into his knees, it was doomsday. The Undertaker would then go on to fold up the arms of the opponent as if they were dead and pin him with his eyes rolling back in his head. This was one of the deadliest finishing moves in WWF history. The fact that Hogan was the only one would could get up from it told you something about it’s cataclysmic nature. The crowd would come to an abrupt hush after the Tombstone was executed. The Grim Reaper would prevail again as one of the most dominate wrestlers of all time.

3. Sharpshooter

If you were in the sharpshooter, you were done unless you were near the ropes, which happened to be about 50% of the people that Bret Hart executed the Sharp Shooter on. If you were in the middle of the ring though (which means you were most likely a jobber), you were done for. The move would crack your back if you didn’t call for submission. Bret Hart didn’t just execute the Sharpshooter though. He put so much pressure on your back during the execution that only the strongest could survive past 5 seconds. Always executed with greatness, The Sharpshooter was one of the most memorable finishing moves.

2. Perfect Plex

Mr. Perfect’s Perfect Plex actually wouldn’t hurt the wrestler, it would just put them in an interminable position of never being able to kick out of it. It was done with perfect execution only known to the excellence of execution; Mr. Perfect, and it would happen any time in the match. The power of certain finishing moves is that you never know when they’re going to happen. This was the case with the Perfect Plex. What looked liked a simple attempt at a suplex could spell the end for the wrestler as the suplex was actually a Perfect Plex. The true wrestler that he was, he was deserving of a such a perfect finishing move.

1. Razor’s Edge

The Razor’s Edge was technically one of the best finishing moves of all time. This took major athleticism and an incredible amount of creativity to come up with. Razor Ramon would perilously hoist a wrestler by his arm pits and smash him down on his neck. If this was done with vigor this could actually hurt someone. Seeing the spectacle of the Razor’s Edge though was incredible. It’s often forgotten in Razor Ramon’s feckless disposition. When Razor wanted to wrestle though, he did and he would destroy opponents with this grandiose finishing move. Great idea. I would give as much credit to whoever came up with the idea.

Why do Americans hate the French so much?

Good question, I don’t know the exact answer. If it wasn’t for the French we wouldn’t have won the Revolutionary War, we wouldn’t have bought the Louisiana territory (an incredibly cheap deal made between Jefferson and Napoleon because the later needed some quick cash to trash the rest of Europe), or the Statue of Liberty. Historically we should like them, but they smell bad, eat weird things, have bad attitudes, and won’t give you extra syrup for hot cakes at McDonalds. Maybe the reason we don’t like them is that we had to save their asses twice from the Germans and still they had bad attitudes

Why are vacations in France longer than in the US?

I want to say that the french are lazy, because that would be funny, but I actually agree with this one. Stress at the work place is far from productive and vacations help get rid of that.

I am going to Paris. What do I HAVE to do while I am there?

I went to Paris once too. My hotel was near the Eiffel Tower,  at least I think. Somewhere within walking distance from the hotel is a McDonalds, it’s on a corner if that helps. Go into this McDonalds during the morning hours and order hot cakes, if they are still on the menu ( I haven’t eaten at one in many years). Now this set of hot cakes will come with one syrup cup, which by American standards is far from enough. Pay attention because this is the tricky part, return to the counter and ask for an extra syrup cup. Most likely they will give you a shitty attitude, don’t let that phase you, stay strong and get your extra syrup…..for America. This is something you HAVE to do while you are there.

I went to France.  The people were great what did you think?

You are obviously a French infiltrator trying to manipulate the opinions of us good and decent people. Nice try, we know you are all salty and superior acting, even though you are sticky and stupid. Nice try, Frenchman!

Have you ever had your picture taken with the Eiffel Tower as background?

Yes.

What is the worst time to say “Voila!”?

Right when you take your pants off.

What are some Napoleonic war strategies?

Well there’s the classic pincher move, the loopty loop, the 5 second rule, no givesys backsies, the indian arm burn, calling it, running away, popping a wheelie, the human shield, bending, attack and release, and so on.

10. Super Street Fighter 2

All those characters, all those moves, all those different areas to fight in. With all this diversity in game play, you could play this game for hours. Just when you thought that Dhalism was the character to choose because of his long reach, you realized that Ryu could easily penetrate this by throwing fireballs at him from a distance. When you thought you couldn’t beat your expert friend at the game, all you had to do was choose M.Bison and do his super move into your friend’s character’s back and forth forever. All these different techniques and all these different ways at stopping the techniques. This was only on 2 player mode. In 1 player mode you had to beat the game with all those characters. This game was endless fun and would solidify itself as the ultimate fighting series in fighting game history.

9. GoldenEye 007

007 was patently addicting. How ridiculously amazing the multiplayer action was made this one of the most re-playable games of all time. Almost every level was amazing to play in (except for the cavernous areas). Who could ever forget “The Facility”; the premiere 3D shooter level in all of gaming history? Play this with Rockets, Proxies, what you wanted and this level would be amazing. The most fun a person can have playing this game is have 2 people secretly gang up on a 3rd person in the facility playing with proxy detonators. You throw them in every spot where a player can start and all that the player getting wrecked can do is press start and die. Controllers will be broken after this possible along with some jaws. This game can be played forever. It’s possibly the best 3D shooter ever made.

8. Doctor Mario

Tetris on Acid? Doctor Mario was a different approach to Tetris. The goal was to rid your screen of all the viruses. You did this by connecting the blocks with the appropriate colors coming down from your blocks. The way you laid the blocks down was vastly different from Tetris. Some sideways laying you would do in Doctror Mario, you would never do in Tetris. A great idea off the already great Tetris, Doctor Mario solidified itself as one of the better multiplayer games for the 8 and 16bit platforms.

7. Rampart

Rampart was a pure strategy game that would become endless fun upon learning how to actually play it. Don’t count on learning how to play it when playing the computer 1 on 1. The computer will destroy you with first shots from their ships. Play against a friend and figure it out, then you will know the power in the replayability of this game. You choose your main castle and build around it to fortify the castle and the eventual cannons that go inside of it. Your opponent then smashes your walls to pieces. After this you’re in rebuilding mode taking pieces (much like Tetris) and putting them in place to envelop your castle and retain the points needed to win a match. Great game, great concept, this game can be played for hours.

6. Bomberman 1

Bomberman 1 was replayable in numerous ways. Firstly it had an amazing co-op 2 player mode where you had to destroy level upon level, boss upon boss. Not losing your weapons was key to winning at this game. Once you lost your weapons and had to start over from the level you were at with no weapons, it was deflating. Playing the battle mode was a joy too, but you had to start at level 1 difficulty or the computer would have it’s way with you. They would race around, trapping you in corners while you were just trying to find an extra bomb to lay down. Once mastered though, you could increase difficulty level and feel proud of the fact that you were challenging the well-programmed computer. Then it was just you and your human opponent fighting for Bomberman supremacy.

5. WWF Royal Rumble

WWF Royal Rumble was a great game. You could replay matches against opponents, have tag team matches and of course Royal Rumble it up against the computer and friends, and of course this game had Mr. Perfect in it making it one of the most perfect games of all time. Believe it or not, this game isn’t just button smashing, but knowing when to eye gouge and to kick your opponent when he was down (as this would do a large amount of damage to him). The button smashing came in the grapples against the rope when you needed to thrown them over the ropes. This game was classic, and not just because Mr. Perfect was in it, although that helped.

4. Metal Warriors

Metal Warriors is the ultimate Mutiplayer game for the sci-fi fan. Robots, rockets, differentlevels; this game was the sci-fi gamer fan’s dream. All the robots had different characteristics. Some would have agility but not a lot of strength. Others would barely be able to move because they were so slow but a couple shots of their weapon would destroy the opponent. The replay ability factor came in the fact of trying to master all the different robots. Accordingly, you should be able to beat any robot that you choose regardless of how weak some may seem when you use them for the first time. To become the ultimate Metal Warrior player, you had to master all the robots. This made it one of the most re-playable games of all time.

3. Mario Kart Double Dash

As was stated in previous lists, Mario Kart Double Dash took up most of this author’s college life. It singlehandedly brought down this author’s GPA from a 3.8 to a 3.4. Papers were edited in haste as coming in a close first at the Mushroom Cup proved to be more important than letting your professor know that you weren’t lazy and actually spent time looking over your papers. Mario Kart excelled in replayability because not only could you have race battle, but the battle mode was even more addicting. All the levels were designed perfectly and the skill required to become good at the game kept growing the more each player played.   Much time had to have been put into this game for this to occur. Mario Kart Double Dash will always prove itself as the ultimate racing game.

2. Super Bomberman 2

With 4 players Super Bomberman 2 is the ultimate replayable game. You could go 7 hours straight without thinking of drink or food playing this game. Bombs, explosions, kicking the bombs into explosions right where your opponent is and then accidentally hitting the other opponent…man what a feeling. Sometimes you’ll start a battle mode and everyone’s already dead in 5 seconds and you ask yourself “What did I do”? but you’ll happily take the win. There are numerous battle areas, some great, some good, and some really really bad. Just avoid the really bad ones and this is one of the most fun multiplayer games of all time.

1. WWF Raw

WWF Raw is the most Re-Playable game of all time. It has many modes to play, but most importantly it has the Royal Rumble mode. The only thing missing from the game is that Mr. Perfect wasn’t included. Instead you have to deal with the utterly annoying and uncontrollable Luna Vacahon (weren’t Women supposed to be relegated to the managerial role in wrestling?). Besides this small shortcoming to the game though, you were in for endless hours of button smashing. Start drinking while playing this and you could go into the morning playing this game. You’ll be in your 12th beer and not notice that your button smashing abilities haven’t unraveled even though your hand muscles are strained to the limits. At the end of the match though, you’re literally breathing as if you ran a marathon because of how much energy you put into throwing opponents over the ropes. The satisfaction of having no energy left but enduring 6 more wrestlers to win a Royal Rumble is the one of the best that any human being can have. This satisfaction will always bring the player back to playing this incredible game.

10.Robert Smith

Why does The Cure get listened to so much? There are no good songs in the catalogue. There are no choruses. There are basic attempts at sounding pop sometimes, probably one chorus in their biggest single to date, so why the fuck is this fat vampire considered a good songwriter? Is it because the makeup he wears? Is it because he’s fat? Is it because he sings in a voice that’s overly-emphatic, probably due to the fact that he couldn’t get girls because of his appearance. Shit, there was always a weight room in the high school. There was always at least a treadmill. Just think, one treadmill and no one would have been duped into thinking that Roberts Smith’s foray into pseudo-romantic tragedy would have had it’s legacy.

9. Sheryl Crow

THE female American songwriter. She once appeared as credible to people who thought they knew what credible was and then she released that “Soak up the Sun” song and somehow this took away her credibility because a chorus came too quick and the melody was too breezy, but before this, she was the Aphrodite of modern songwriting. She couldn’t write a bad song. Her unabashed self-expression had to be heard as good, especially by those who needed some auxiliary human being to affirm their own self identity. Shit, when I listen to her self-titled album though, all I hear is woman-power rock on par with Meredith Brooks at the time. Is something this culturally relative good? If it’s good at the time, is it good later? Can people still listen to “A Change will do you good” without cringing? Can they do the same with “Redemption Day”? Only a dogmatic acolyte won’t admit this.

8. Bob Dylan

How many times do we have to hear that Dylan is be all and end all of music? What is with all this idolization? And how come every time these Dylan idolizers are called out on why they like Dylan they give the same banal reasons for idolization like “He was one of the great American Poets”. How come when you ask one of these buffoons on the spot which Dylan album inspired them the most, they can’t respond? They can’t even name one Dylan album let alone a favorite album! They know a few select songs and relegate the rest of their opinion to popular mainstream media’s coverage on tradition, whatever that is supposed to mean. Pedestrians, pure and simple…easily satisfied. The human being at its worst.

7. Pete Doherty

The best word to describe Pete Doherty’s songwriting with the Libertines and Babyshambles is boring. Listen to his live solo output and it’s even more boring. It’s a man with an acoustic guitar talking about the basic day of an English life without noticing the subtleties of a conversation that would often appear interesting as is the case with Lee Mavers. Instead we get cockney bullshit about storefronts and hooligans, and everything that sounds cool to the NME. Pete Doherty is the print machine for the NME; someone operating on a visceral level on what English coolness is. See, this is the problem by being influenced by any music. There’s an unlucky chance you might be influenced by The Clash.

6.Paul Westerberg

This dick has the gumption to call out Ryan Adams as being shit. Paul Westerberg in his lifetime won’t write a song half as decent as Ryan Adams worst song, but because Paul Westerberg appeared “hardass” in The Replacements (with their overly mundane punk-turned rock n’ roll exigencies) and his subsequent solo career, he could get away with criticizing a good songwriter. What is one good song that this Paul Westerberg wrote? “Satisfied?” This shit should be relegated to the highschool gym concert series, not a professional band. You won’t find anything better on his Stereo album no matter how much he distanced himself from big name producers to produce a more raw “songwriter in a basement” sounding production. Bad production on top of bad songwriting. This was Paul Westerberg’s next step after his major label stints. It only made sense with the coming of the indie crowd.

5. Frank Black

Frank Black’s macabre style of songwriting would have it’s crowd. Basically, those who liked The Pixies. From all his albums there’s about two choruses worth listening to, but you would still have to endure his painfully overbearing vocals throughout the song. Did anyone ever tell this virulent piece of crap to shut the hell up? Speak softly and carry a big stick (not in Simon and Garfunkel’s way though; which was speak softly and carry no sticks). This didn’t happen because the pretend that people played in liking The Pixies or maybe it was simply a dialectical reaction to the harmonious sounding music of the 80’s. A good reason to never be interested in the sake of liking something for the sake of reaction alone: one day realizing that the man you thought was an amazing songwriter was really complete shit.

4. Eric Clapton

Eric Clapton made blues for white men. If one was enamored by white man blues solos then they may like Eric Clapton. If not, they you would have dislike most of his songwriting. It was generic blues at its worst. Who gives a fuck about his overly sentimental “If I can change the World” which should be the textbook definition of an unctuous musical delivery. Can’t though. This dude went through a lot of shit. He actually did though. He lost his son, and cashed in on it by writing a song that made him millions about his loss. Loss and Bluesmen; what the fuck is with these people? Have they ever thought about a type of losing that isn’t existential, that isn’t so tied to the human death? Eric Clapton didn’t, and he cashed in on it. Not even a greatest hits of his can be listened too. It’s generic wanking inside generic songwriting. The dude even looks generic.

3. Simon and Garfunkel

It’s hard to understand why Simon and Garfunkel are known as some of the greatest songwriters of all time besides by some of old farts who only passively read Rolling Stone magazine when they’re at the local book store. These songs put you to sleep, and not in the good way. They put you to sleep in the way that you thinking to yourself “shit, this is sucks, I’m going to sleep”. Except for the smashing drum in “The Boxer“, Simon and Garfunkel never deliver any song with any vitriol. Call it a style. We call it the emasculation of a sex who no longer exercised the power it once had over the world. So the reaction would be a sensitive delivery in it’s period of settling down. Whatever was, it was inordinately soft, or to be even more precise, mawkish in every sense of the term.

2. Lou Reed

This pile of piss songwriter can’t sing, and writes songs that sound dumb but sound interesting to him, and therefore sound interesting to everyone else because he insists on perennially coming from a different place sonically. Who gives a shit about the Sonics (some Old-Wizard pun intended) when the songs are this shit? Yes, he goes up and down on his vocal range, often sounding like a chimp which relays a sense of primordial delivery to a music listener who got beat up too much at school. Rarely will you find a catchy chorus. You will find songs that elaborate on a solipsistic level which obviously means he’s usually talking about drugs or some vulgar conception of metaphysics that’s parasitically tied to a contemporary politic. This dude’s pulled a fast one of those who “love” him. He’s made actual shit that people love. Do people just love shit? Nah, they just can’t tell the difference anymore.

1. Paul McCartney

If there is one signature songwriter who’s absolutely overrated because of the quality of songwriters in the band he’s in, then it has to be Paul McCartney. Let’s list them. “Got to Get You Into My Life“; no soul whatsoever. “The Long and Winding Road” (which we listed as one of the most overrated songs of all time); a poor attempt at Bacharachian appurtenance (and this was when McCartney was supposed to be “coming into his own!”). How about the unbearable “The Night Before” off of Help. How about “Your Mother Should Know”. I can seriously go on and on with the sheer amount of shit songs this man released, and this was just with the Beatles. All his post-Beatles work was even worse, except for the Nigel Godrich produced “Chaos and Creation in the Backyard“, because McCartney actually allowed himself to be challenged by a producer. Paul McCartney is like an average basketball player who thinks he’s a star but knows he really isn’t so tries to get traded to the bad team in the league so he appears as a star there.

10. The first comment is “epic fail”

Epic fail is the go to phrase for the disappointed or angry nerd. Most of these dregs spend so much time playing video games, reading about video games, and being big fat smelly morons that their brains have been turned to mush. Therefore they go for the simplest and easiest way to express their feelings. The fact that this little sentence has three syllables is almost more than the average nerd can bear, hence the even simpler phrase “fail”. Most nerds don’t or can’t read an entire OW article, there are too many words, punctuation marks, and the like. Usually they look at the pictures, read the titles, and then check to see if they should agree with it or write one of the two mentioned phrases above. OW if full of great jokes, deep insight, and thought provoking ideas. But because the average nerd can’t read, most of these gems stay buried in the verdant ore that is OW. One of the best ways to check if you are reading an OW article is to look at the first comment and if its “epic fail” you’re there.

9. You’re at Work and All The Real Gaming Sites Are Blocked

Finally a gaming site that isn’t blocked, thank God. Those TPS reports can do themselves, and who can remember if there is supposed to be a cover sheet these days?  Hmmm this is interesting it seems to be Nintendo themed but they make fun of Nintendo games and what are these music lists all about?  That’s weird for a video game site. Strange there doesn’t seem to be any reviews of new games and boy do they hate Sega. Ahhhh finally some serious articles on violence in video games, about time somebody started a dialogue on this issue. Wait, I don’t remember Louisiana being like that, and I’m pretty sure Q-bert is on a pyramid not stairs, this doesn’t seem serious at all. Actually these articles are almost irresponsible in their obviously cavalier attitude they are taking about a potentially serious issue. Man I’m starting to use big words too, and for no reason, this website is having a strange effect on me. Ok I guess I’ll just start reading some of their lists…what! This is outrageous, I haven’t finished reading the whole article but now I’m going to leave an angry comment because just the intro to this has mad me so pissed off. Well now I’m distracted from work, angry, and I know I’m not going to be able to get anything done. Stupid website.

8. Full of Pretentious words

To compensate for their lack of wit and jocularity, Old-Wizard uses tangential phrases and tropes to cover their lack of substantiality. Always looking for new ways to say obvious thoughts, Old-Wizard gets out the thesaurus consistently to shower their harangues with a maelstrom of verbosity. What ostensibly appears as a grandiose style is really just a flatulent and purloined panache of hubris. Old-Wizard never makes an admonition towards the exigency of a dictionary when glossematizing their virtual parchments. They just want the reader to suffer through their idiosyncratic language like trying to solve a Rebus. The Old-Wizard Rebus; an eternal elegy for enantiodrama.

7. Not Very Funny

If OW is anything it’s not funny. Boy do we try though, but no matter what we do we just piss people off. Little did we know that nerds can’t take a joke. And God forbid you contradict the generic opinions on all the nerd forums. Nope the only things that are funny are the things that people have already agreed are funny, oh and cat pictures with weird words typed on them. Those are funny. Mainly because of the extra ‘z’s everywhere. For some reason nerds like z in cat pictures but do not like rap or hip hop because of the extra z’s and miss pronunciation of words. Just to be clear cat pictures are good because of the miss spelled words and extra z’s, rap/hip hop bad because of the miss pronounced words and extra z’s. According to the nerd community as expressed through comments on our webpage and nerd forums, all OW does is make fun of stereotypes and that’s not funny. If, on the other hand, we posted pictures of cats we would be geniuses. We have learned that the only thing you can’t make fun of in the nerd community is the nerds themselves. Even when it’s not only funny but also true, which is the best kind of funny in our book. No OW is just a big mean website that is the bully of the internet community.

6. Not Very Insightful

God these jerks are so shallow. All they do is make fun of how fat, smelly, and gross I am. I’m so tired of hearing how I live in my parent’s basement, how my t-shirts aren’t funny, how extra baggy shorts which go down to my shoes aren’t pants, how there are more colors than black, how being a virgin isn’t a choice, how doing exactly what my gamer friends do isn’t unique, and how not taking my personal hygiene seriously is a big deal. Let’s be honest I don’t want to be another one of those corporate robots who go to work, have friends, hang out in public, have girlfriends, have money, have parties, have fun, laugh, go outside during the day, dress nice, shower, and generally look happy and presentable. They are only doing that because society dictates they have to. No, no, I’m happy in my little basement paradise. I love that nobody takes me seriously, that I don’t leave my mark on the world, that I haven’t contributed anything to society, that I just sit here and consume other people’s ideas and then rant how I could do it better using my parent’s computer and internet connection and then never doing it. No I’m happy and this website never makes me think at all. Just because they write things I’ve never read before and have opinions I’ve never heard before doesn’t make them as cool as they think they are. Nope I’m going to go on my favorite forum and agree with everyone else about what ever they already think is cool.

5. You’re Offended

On many occasions we have stated that we are only creating this website for our own personal entertainment. We don’t care what most people think, and we are never happier than when people write us angrily disagreeing with our opinions. Generally speaking we despise all things mainstream and rarely agree with the internet status quo. Despite this, our readership keeps growing and over 80% of those coming to OW return. We can only assume that we are so smart, so far above average, so much better, and so different than you it pisses you off to know end. One of the things we love above all is making fun of stereotypes. First because they are funny, and secondly people actually believe them. Go to a comicon, electronics trade show, or any other nerdfest and tell me that stereotypes don’t exists. All of these people are dressed exactly the same, terribly dressed I might add, and all of them claim to be unique or different. How? You look just like the next fat slob. Oh its society’s problem, no my friend it’s yours! You not taking your own appearance seriously is your problem, not society’s. The uniqueness of a person lies only in the personality, looking like, acting like, and dressing like a scum bag does in fact make you a scum bag. Are you offended? You should be.

4. You’re Bored

If OW is one thing its boring. All the articles are the same. Yes we get it Sega sucks, how many different ways can these idiots possibly say that? Yes, yes Oasis is the best and it’s completely obvious that the Beatles copied them. Man reading these articles makes me sleepy, not angry, nope just sleepy. Everything on this place is exactly the same as everything else on the internet. Nope, nothing new here all the same so boring. Oh look they think Mario is better than Sonic, well who doesn’t?  Nobody in their right mind would like Sonic more. Yup they think Sonic is a copy of Mario too, well so does everybody, who cares? Yeah this place isn’t different who cares blah, blah, blah. Its all the same.

3. Mentions Oasis

It should be known that the only person here at OW that truly loves Oasis is ZM. His office at OWHQ is a veritable shrine to them. What’s worse is that there is absolutely no arguing with him about it at all. He knows so many stats, figures, and facts that you become instantly bogged down in numbers, conspiracy theories, and youtube videos. Once we had an intervention with all of our friends and family. Afterword he had convinced five new people about the superiority of Oasis and sold copies of his CDs, needless to say it was a total disaster. What’s worse is that he tries to get the staff to slip his ideas into their articles. If you’re writing anything positive about music you’ll hear, “Oasis has to be number one, to keep the website consistent.” Why we have to be consistent about Oasis and absolutely nothing else completely escapes both myself and DM entirely. Hopefully this article makes it past the ZM edit, we’ll see, as he is relentless in his campaign to make sure everyone knows how awesome he thinks Oasis is.  DM and I have completely different musical tastes both from each other and from ZM, but he pays the bills so we are stuck. Go Oasis, Noel Gallager for life, Wonderwall, yeah!

2. Makes fun of Sega

Sega sucks. I know we have beaten that horse to death but we here at OW want to make sure we are on record about our feelings on this issue. If for some reason you are confused about who wrote the article see if it makes fun of Sega for no reason at all. I once wrote an article about economic sustainability of the Ecuadorian grape market as it relates to the Chilean wine industry and was able to slip a backhanded insult about Sega into the article. Our obsession with the destruction of Sega knows absolutely no bounds and may be the only thing consistent about this website. There isn’t any point in rehashing all the details about why we think Sega sucks, suffice it to say they aren’t in business anymore and are now making games for Nintendo. You can say whatever you want, come up with whatever argument you want; oh Sega was more creative, Sega was art, Sega was this, Sega was that, yeah well, Sega doesn’t make a system anymore. They failed. That is the crux of our argument and we always win our arguments. It’s hard to deny the facts, friends.

1. Written by Zeromage

ZM is the backbone of this bad boy and maybe the shoulders too. Definitely, the backbone, and the shoulders, oh and the brains. ZM is those three things, the backbone, the shoulders, the brains, and the heart. Hmmm, among the many analogies to the human body that ZM represents in reference to the website old-wizard.com he is; the backbone, the shoulders, the heart, the brains, and the lower intestine (because of all the poo this place puts out). He definitely writes the most, but he also stay on top of the rest of us to get shit done too. We all get those IM’s asking if we have the blurbs done or the phone call to shoot some ideas around. Never in my life have I talked to one person so much about how to piss off as many people as possible as I have with ZM. Though pissing off people isn’t really our mission all the time, maybe 25%, generally our opinions are really just that much different from the generic nerdy slobs your find in the N4g forums. There is no doubt however that without this dedicated effort there would be no OW and the world would most certainly be a better place. All those angry nerds could just be mad at is themselves for how much their lives suck. Now thanks to ZM we here at OW have become the scapegoat. So get back on those forums and make sure the world knows just how mad you are at us for pointing out the truth. That’s right we’re not making fun of you we’re telling you the truth….fatty.

10. Skate or Die (NES)

Skate or Die? I would rather die then have to play Skate or Die ever again in this life time. The title screen shows some paltry loser who you want to beat on for looking so clownish. The game irritates you even more. You skate around different areas with the same ramps, same couple of maneuvers, and same impossible controller issues. Then when you finish an area you are bombarded with the same loser from the title screen, this time taking up even more space with his massive poaching noggin (who in their right mind would ever have a mo-hawk?) If you’re going to make a game called Skate or Die, how can it be one of the most pedestrian games ever made? Is it supposed to feel cutting edge because I’m looking at some goon with an ugly green mo-hawk? At least show a little bit of blood or anger when failing at these boring courses so that the game can merit the name “Skate or Die”. The same circle of courses proved to be quickly tedious, with little extra to spark any interest in playing further than five minutes, except if you like looking at 8-bit graphics of infirm skaters that may bring images of a “cool dude” flashing the rock hand signal at you when you were doing something cool. I suspect there are some people who like this trash. I should never meet these people, God willing.

9. Elevator Action (Arcade)

Pac-Man is a simple game and its one of the greatest games of all time. Donkey Kong and the Original Super Mario Brothers are also simple games that rank as some of the best video gaming experiences of all time. Elevator action is also a very simple game, and is one of the worst games of all time, proving that simplicity doesn’t always equal genius. This game gets repetitive quick. Climb down stairs shooting the same fucking sleuth enemies over and over again. Once in awhile, take an elevator down and shoot the same enemies over and over again. The music is deeply irritating and completely uninspired. It’s easy to fall asleep to this music (not in a good Coastal Mario Kart level), which should not be the case for an action thriller that tries to be “edgy”. There’s really nothing more to be said about this game. You will fall asleep 2 minutes into playing Elevator Action or you will be angry it’s so fucking boring. There’s a line between sheer boredom and sheer genius when it comes to overtly simple games like those listed previously. Pac Man you can play for hours and hours on end with a levels that barely change and enemies that only gradually increase in speed and difficulty level. Elevator Action on the other hand you know almost immediately to be tired and uninspired.

8. The Three Stooges (NES)

While most games are bad because the idea of the actual game being played is terrible, or because it is so difficult you can’t get by the first level, “Three Stooges” introduces a new reason why a game can be awful. Three Stooges is basically incomprehensible to play. For the most part you have no idea what you’re doing when you’re playing this game. You press start and you’re taken to an outside street with the three stooges where a Wheel of Fortune wheel comes out of thin air that ostensibly picks what you’re supposed to do in the game. Next you notice you’re in another random place where you have no idea what you’re supposed to do. You’re at a bowl of soup with a spoon in it. There are also what looks like pieces of cat excretion in the soup that you have to eat. Trying to control your spoon proves to be one of the more difficult tasks you will take on in this life. After a couple of minutes of throwing your controller at the screen you hear a sound that sounds like a box fan breaking down which I think is supposed to be one of the 3 stooges getting angry that you didn’t pass a test that you couldn’t control and knew nothing about, and had no idea how you got there, and why your eating soup with ambiguous objects inside. You next may randomly find yourself in a hospital flying down an operating room with a nurse picking up things she’s dropping. You have no idea what you’re picking up though. Once again, trying to control this fiasco proves excessively enigmatic, and once again you will be throwing your controller at the screen.

This game is so bad, it’s difficult to review any longer. This is a perfect example of what happens when you try to take something from the TV or movie screen and apply it to video gamedom. Creators who want to cash in on screen success pay no attention to the garbage they’re putting out for the video game.
7. Ghosts n’ Goblins

A reoccurring theme for the top 10 worst games of all time has been when games have been so difficult that you had to buy a new tv from smashing your controller against it too much. There is no game that exemplifies this upshot from sheer difficulty like Ghosts ‘n Goblins. 1/8th through the first level you’re surrounded by mounds and mounds of enemies. As you’re walking as your character, you’re basically surrounded by a force field of enemies coming at you from every possible angle. Okay, maybe if you had a lot of energy or someone decent armor, you could take the level one onslaught of nefarious enemies. As you walk, you see you do have armor, looks like pretty strong armor, until a weak ass looking bird swoops down, barely hits you, and your armor comes flying off. Not even faux-Halloween armor is this poor. I’m pretty sure that if a bird touched a plastic armor suit that you wore for Halloween, it wouldn’t come flying off. As your worthless armor comes flying off, you’re left with an almost-naked character who is left with nothing on except underwear. Q: Who wears nothing under armor? Am I inept to mid-evil tradition or is there something completely untenable about someone wearing nothing under armor? Your basically left naked running around in the wild with a force field of petulant enemy’s surrounding you at every second. This stultifying game play leads you to give up after 1 to 2 minutes making you feel like shit and making you retire to much more germane games with more sane difficulty levels. When programmers make these games, don’t they realize these most obvious setbacks for the player? Setbacks so large, that they stop playing the game after 5 minutes?

6. Joust (NES)

Joust is unbearably boring. Same screen, same enemies, same poor sounds, no music. If one were looking for a legal soporific agent, Joust would be your best treatment. Who could possibly think this idea would keep the attention of the player beyond 30 seconds? When designing this game, who thought that this 1 screen sleep fest would be enough to justify its place in an entire cartridge? At least have a 2nd game packaged along with this garbage. At least have some weak ass side scroller with your jouster (who looks more like a flying ostrich) killing medieval enemies. Speaking of the enemies, what exactly are these things? How come all the players and enemies in “Joust” look like poorly designed birds? In Joust, you’re enveloped with one boring game, controlling something that looks like a bird, fighting against things that may or may not be more birds. Yes, the controls are simple; yes the concept is simple, but so simple that you don’t know why you should be playing this game after 30 seconds. That this ever retained a place in an arcade is beyond me. The sight of this NES cartridge at a used video game store induces the largest of yawns.

5. Muscle (NES)

The NES had a myriad of decent wrestling games under its belt including “Pro Wrestling” and “Wrestlemania”. It also held the worst wrestling game ever made, none other than “Muscle”. The biggest reason why Muscle is a terrible game is because of how boring it is. There are no moves, no real characters, and no dialogue. You start off the game by choosing between 9 ostensibly different players, who in reality are all exactly the same, except a slight discrepancy in the color of outfits and shape of face. The game is completely silent. You would think that if a wrestling game is going to be made, at least include some tension and excitement by adding crowd noise and an announcer, albeit an 8 bit incoherent announcer. You get none of this with “Muscle”. You get no music, no crowd noise, 2 or 3 boring moves with no choice of different characters unless your duped into thinking changing masks makes a wrestler completely different. It took about 3 minutes of playing this game to realize that you wasted 3 dollars on renting this soporific excuse for a wrestling game. Bring on “Pro Wrestling” where I can bash “Amazon” on the head with a steel chair and can use a character with a giant star in the middle of his head (Hint: When making games, use your fucking imagination!).

4. Paperboy (NES)

When you first see this game, you see the cover with a munificent, happy-go-lucky paperboy delivering papers. You think to yourself, well, a game about being a paper boy can’t be that much fun…but maybe it’s some sort of super-hero paperboy and that’s the reason why he’s so happy on the front cover! The game is opposite of the cover. After you play this game for 10 minutes, you realize the front cover should be a paperboy irritable beyond all bounds and maybe even sticking his middle finger up at the street dancers who have nowhere to dance except right in the middle of the fucking street you have to deliver on.

It’s 8 o’ clock on a Monday morning and what does the entire neighborhood you deliver to do? They get up 2 hours early to conspire against you and make it impossible to get through half the street before you’re either run over, beat with a spatula, or have a myriad of dogs chasing you. If this game is going to be as difficult as it is, at least have an option of changing routes. At least be able to tell off your boss for giving you such a shitty route where you cant get half way down the street without your life being threatened with people who have nothing better to do than to try to dominate the paper boy. If they really don’t want their paper, then fuck them. Even if you’re able to evade the infinite obstacles towards delivering to 1 house, finding the accuracy to throw a paper into a mailbox is just as tendentious. Most of the time you lose points because your papers gravitate towards breaking the glass of the houses with people who spend their waking lives trying to destroy the paperboy.

This game is tedious, grossly difficult, and absolutely no fun. To rent a game and not be able to get half way through the first level no matter what you do is lugubrious to say the least. This may be the worst game ever released for a platform system.

3. Fatal Fury (Sega Genesis)

Fatal Fury was fun to play for 2 seconds because of how obvious of a rip off it was of Street Fighter. It was the poor man’s Street Fighter, literally and figuratively. The characters were poorly conceived, the after-fight dialogues were a monstrosity of Van Damnesque platitudes, and the final boss was about as scary as a 4th grade trick or treater in a Wonder Woman outfit. Your friend bought this game when he couldn’t afford the real Street Fighter which would go anywhere from $40-$50 dollars. Fatal Fury was a $20 dollar game and it showed. This however did not stop your friend from calling you up and saying “I got this game Fatal Fury that may be better than Street Fighter”, much to your laughter as you realize your friend made a competition out of who had the better video games (These are the people you would often find with books lying around entitled “How to start a conversation and make friends”). Fatal Fury remains one of the more poor attempts at a two player coin-op style fighting game. Combine goofy characters with derivative moves and conspicuous hopes of being “the next Street Fighter”, and you will get this impoverished piece of crap.

2. Shaq Fu (Sega Genesis)

Shaq Fu for the Sega Genesis is probably the worst conceived game ever to come out for any platform system. The story line is so abominable that you almost wish that a completely incoherent one was substituted as to give the idea of the storyline being more enigmatic. You are Shaq, somehow in Tokyo, where you are discovered by some zen karate master who says that you have come from some distant planet to save the world (I wonder if Shaq himself ever played this, or maybe even wrote this story line?). After you endure the blatantly uninspired storyline, you have to endure the worst 2 player fighting game of all time. The controlling in this game is incomprehensible. The best thing you can do is just hammer the buttons of your controller with your hands and watch the screen, hoping your capricious hammering of the controller will cause a victory against the most banal of opponents. Looking at the screen doesn’t help the cause either because how dumb it looks to see hackneyed monsters fighting a big dude in basketball shorts. Once you lose because the controlling is so irritating, you have to endure more uninspired dialogue from enemies with 80 times more skill than you have as Shaq. Your opponents can basically throw the elements at you, they can throw fucking planets at you, while you’re left to a high kick and a low kick depending on which buttons your randomly smashing. With a name like “Shaq Fu”, you had to know this game was going to be bad, but you were not in store for how bad it was until you actually played it for yourself.

1. E.T. (Atari 2600)

As a child in the 80’s, E.T. was a HUGE part of my life. It was the first, second, and third movie I saw in a theater. It made Reese’s Pieces my favourite candy. It forced me to ride my Star Wars Huffy off of small ledges in hopes of flying my chubby silhouette in front of the moon. Maybe the greatest of all, it took away all fear of aliens I may have had. You could imagine my excitement when my father came home with this game, his face lit up like he was my age, and led me by the hand to the beloved Atari 2600.

The point of this game is to find pieces of your ship in order to get home. The pieces are located in what can only be described as pits that ET falls into periodically. I have never made it out of the first pit. It’s been rumoured that there are 5 levels of almost identical game play. I’ve heard there are also enemies, and that eating Elliott gives you power ups…I have seen none of these things. I start the game, fall in a hole, and never get out.

This game single-handedly destroyed Atari and its legacy. They had produced so many cartridges of this game that were never sold they actually had to buy land in New Mexico and create an E.T. landfill in the desert, ouch. They tried to follow on the coat tails of Tron and capitalize on the E.T. brand, but all they ended up doing was starting a long tradition of crappy games based on movies. Thanks E.T., you crushed my childhood and gave me a reason to go outside to play in traffic.

Is Mario And luigi gay lovers?

No they are brothers.

Is the Mario Bros real?

Yes they are. They are two brothers who eat mushrooms and flowers, wear weird suits and capes, and save princesses from gigantic lizards. We thought that this was obvious.

How old are Mario and Luigi?

Depends. Did they go straight to trade school right out of high school? Did they apprentice right away? Maybe they decided to travel the world first, find themselves, see the aqueducts, and once they understood what it truly meant to be a plumber, then go back to school. So they could be anywhere between 18 and 40.

Why can’t Sonic be better than Mario My brother always was thinking that Sonic is better?

Your brother is obviously stupid. Sonic is not a bad game it’s just not a great game. You see, Mario Brothers is ground breaking, creative, and, at the time, completely new and different. Mario pushes the borders of gaming. Sonic, and Sega in general, are more of the status quo. Sonic was derivative, which means ‘loose copy of.’ You see, in terms of marketing it was close enough to Mario, but also just different enough to attempt compete with Mario. Sega was never capable of being truly new and innovative, they only pushed the boundary for the sake of pushing boundary, which is one of the many reasons they failed. Sonic can’t be better than Mario because Mario is better than Sonic. Do you see? It’s really quite simple.

10. Columbia

Oasis’s first album. What an album it was. What a song Columbia was. This massive hypnotic trance was part fuelled by Swervedriver slow drive and part fuelled by the psychedelic of Tommorow Never Knows. This song keeps on moving. When this shit kicks in you’re in a swirl of massive guitars, pounding beats and modern psychedelic; in other words, everything that made Oasis the greatest band of the 90’s. These often forgotten songs are never mentioned by critics of the band, because they would rather dislike the band than see how much more powerful they were than American suicide artists of the time. The ones who know, the ones who hear, hear this, and when they hear it, they turn it up to deafening levels.

9. Cigarettes and Alcohol

When you see Oasis live, this is the song to see. Noel starting off with Bolan’s riff times 100 in overdrive, the pounding bass drum building up the vibe, and then the all the instrumentation smashing in creating a raunchy and loose groove for the whole audience to jump too. The gig becomes a cult when Oasis play this song live. The moment is won for the life thrown into the debauchery of Cigarettes and Alcohol. When nothing is found and everything in life is lost, there are still cigarettes and alcohol to cool the brain from mundanity. Being inebriated enough will make for more than just a relaxation but a grand stupor around the gig telling everyone how amazing Oasis is, or just yellow “Oasis”. Soccer culture aside, this song defined a generation that just let loose in the most nonchalant albeit radical way possible.

8. D’ya know what I Mean?

The great Be Here Now’s opening track. Who waited until midnight that fateful night when “D’You know what I mean” was premiered on MTV. Out came Oasis and in came the heaviest of drum beats taken from the best beat makers of a generation (Public Enemies “It takes a nation). Then came in Liam’s vocals that were as crisp and raw as they had been to that point but slightly polished to the degree of their popularity at the time. Guitars swirling around at every second, Noel’s vocals recorded backwards into chorus’s, Noel’s ripping guitar solo. This song just beat the shit out of every other song on the radio at the time. All with the cool demeanor known only to Irish Manchunians.

7. The Girl in the Dirty Shirt

Why don’t songwriters write songs this good anymore? Does everyone realize how sick of a chorus is in this song? This shit’s like top 10 radio if the world only listened to psychedelic music. It’s classy and bombastic at the same time; a feat that could only be accomplished by Oasis. This song was modern R and B (R and B from the 60’s, not the soft 90’s shit) with Phil Spector turning up the overdubs with max compression. You could dance to this song, you could sing to this song, you couldn’t get this song out of your head once you heard it, and it wasn’t even a single. Noel Gallagher’s knack for amazing hooks is illustrated perfectly in this song. This is memorable beyond what people hear, or rather think about Be Here Now.

6. Champagne Supernova

What’s the Morning Glory was arguably the best album of the 90’s. With as many credible and successful singles off the album, how couldn’t it be? The most substantial of these singles was Champaign Supernova. To this day, this song remains Oasis’s finest creative moment. Not settling for the great songwriting that we all knew Noel could write in less than a minute, but expanding into something larger, something neo-psychedelic, something that was just beyond anything else heard on the radio at the time. The production in the solo kicks up to a level that was never owned by any other band besides Oasis in the 90’s. Never afraid of overdubs or sounding bombastic at the sake of some presupposed ideal of humility, Oasis road to the castle and took over the crown of best band on the earth with this song. Nothing at the time or even afterwards sounded so glorious, majestic, an unafraid.

5. Underneath the Sky

The flow, the move, of Underneath the Sky; the play of Underneath the Sky, could only be captured by Noel Gallagher’s stream-of-conscious spiritual songwriting. The life, the moment, the moment after the moment and the moment forever deferred for the memory of a past, all Underneath the Sky again. “All he needs is his life in a suitcase, it belongs to a friend of a friend”. In this one statement Noel Gallagher explains the never stable subject who is in debt to someone always and already. All within a mathematical machinery; an operation; Underneath The Sky? Not simply Underneath the Sky, but Underneath the Sky again. The indefinite circulatory state of the universe, captured in a pop song under 3 and half minutes? Reserved for one man from Northern England.

4. Don’t Look Back in Anger

Respectable Arena Rock, or just a great song? However you see it, Don’t Look Back in Anger changed a nation. It made them sing again. It made them sing loud, it made them sing inebriated without care for their horrendous jobs they would have to go back to after the weekend getaway to the Oasis show. That moment the chorus came in, that massive drum fill, no matter how predictable it was; it inspired not only the moment of the crowd but a bunch of kids looking to do something with their life besides sit on the dole like their dads. This kind of inspiration comes once in a lifetime. The gift came to Noel Gallagher and he delivered it in spades only on his second album.

3. Live Forever

If there had to be a greatest love song of the 90’s it would belong to Live Forever. Never overly-sentimental or servile, Live Forever wished for a love that was not only more realistic, but more spiritual at the same time. Not aiming at the Disney fantasy nor glamorizing tragedy, Live Forever escapes the traditional signifiers of the concept of “Love” for an unmediated version that only answers the moment, to the wish and hopes of a people in general beyond the concept of love. The other though is included here without any effort as if the other is always needed for inclusion into one’s life. The success of this song lies in this stream-of-conscious delivery that doesn’t think about the generalized concepts that are consistently taken for granted, but takes them for what they’re worth at the moment; a delivery that is neither cliché, nor analytical…it’s just there.

2. What’s the Story Morning Glory

90’s rock is defined by one song and one song only. “What’s the Story Morning Glory” is the best of 90’s rock. It’s loud, abrasive, lyrically poignant, and one of Liam’s best vocal deliveries put to record. The song is just a massive blast in your stereo. After 2 listens you’re shouting the chorus at the top of your lungs experiencing the ecstasy of the song (or rather we should say the charly induced high of the song). The song never gives any space for dynamics which Oasis mastered perfectly turning music on it’s head of presuppositions for a type of good musicianship that often had to be equated with dynamics. “What’s the Story Morning Glory” smashed these pretensions out of the water and anyone who could try to criticize it.

1. Masterplan

The British have a keen sense for historical consciousness; European thought in general since the 19th century has been aware of it’s historicity. This is exemplified perfectly in Oasis’s most teleological song in the name of The Masterplan. Without heeding to over-generalization, the senior Gallagher simply tells it like it is with an impartial bias that’s so powerful that it transcends subjectivity; the subjectivity that would like to think it actually matters in the grand scheme of the things. But at the end of The Masterplan, you are in the grand metaphysical machinery, irreducible and inescapable. The trembling guitar finish leaves the listener neither in happiness nor tragedy, but in an unchangeable destiny, a master plan that humans can only observe, and only the most humble ones, which ironically belongs strongly to Noel Gallagher with the delivery of this song. The critics have never understood that bravado and “arrogance” are just masks for a protected purity not in want of being contaminated by material.