Today the particle accelerator in Geneva has been fired up, some scientist think this experiment might create a black hole (alias a small amount of neutron matter=neutron star=black hole) do you think we are looking at a power source similar to the romulan one? spoken of in the episode of TNG “Time Squared” just curious about your opinion, I hope it will bring us closer to dilithium crystal fusion

There are so many things wrong with this question I have no idea where to start. Neutron matter does not equal neutron star which does not equal a black hole. They are very different things. I have no idea what Romulans use for power but do know that there is no such thing as dilithium crystals. Lithium is the third element in the periodic table and contains one electron in it’s valence shell. It is highly reactive and quickly forms a black oxide layer when exposed to moist environments. It can be made into crystals which form a BCC unit cell that contain 2 atoms per cell. That being said the word dilithium is meaningless. Our opinion is that you, like most of our readers, is a gigantic weirdo who thinks they understand science because they like Start Trek. The accelerator in Geneva will bring us no closer to understanding an episode of Star Trek, it may bring us closer to understanding how the universe was created and fundamentals of subatomic particles.

Where and when did the letter Q come from?

From the alphabet. It’s roots are from the ancient Egyptian hieroglyph and semitic word for ‘cord of wool.’ The exact when is up for debate as written records for that time tend to not write about the written records themselves.

Will they ever do a Star Trek Voyager movie?

Let’s hope not. God was that show terrible. They only thing that saved it was that we got to see the Borg own a good 1/4 of the galaxy. That was great. They should do an entire show on the Borg. I hated that show.

In the episode The Naked Now Just before the star collapses, the Enterprise is seen, in orbit, hovering over the Tsiolkovsky. But in the next scene, the star collapses and the Enterprise is 15 minutes away.

Really!?!? In the next scene!?!? Wow, hmmm, does that mean the advanced the story without the permission of the viewer? Wait is this even a question or are you just telling us that it happened. I don’t understand.

Why has no one ever recorded the lyrics to the original Star Trek theme?

Are there lyrics to the star trek theme? I thought it was because Gene Roddenberry loved classical music and just wanted a simple intro. Who cares?

In the holodeck, Data throws a rock at the wall. It hits the wall and the image of green plants temporarily blurs into squares. Shouldn’t the holodeck dissolve the rock and show a picture of the rock landing on the ground?

What!?!? That’s terrible. Those holodecks are always causing problems. I guess you’re right I don’t know though.

Ask Old-Wizard, Star Trek Edition, Part 1

The questions are is R2 a male, female, both, or neither? Does R2 feel pleasure? Does R2’s prong stick out when Luke says nice things to him? Is R2 a submissive, always obeying when someone tells him to stick his data stick into a foreign terminal?

Karl asks, I have noticed on scenes from the original series that on the bottom of the saucer section of the “Enterprise” there are two triangle shape images on either side of the bottom. My blue prints do not mention anything on this, do you have any ideals?

Really!?!? Let me check my blue prints… no mine shows two triangles on either side of the bottom. It would seem to me either you don’t know how to read blueprints or someone fell for the ‘fake enterprise blueprint routine’. Sorry it happens to the best of us.

Jerry asks, How much does commander Data weigh?

I wouldn’t imagine that much. I mean circuit boards don’t weigh that much, and then there’s plastic.

Arthur asks, I do not understand how you figure out the star date. Is this concept real? Does anyone use this method to calculate the date? and if so, what is the conversion? How do you come up with the star date? and what is the star date today? Thanks.

The simplest method of calculating the star date is as follows. Take the current date, and count the number of stars visible in the sky from the hours of 10PM to 4:15AM. Now subtract the total number of spaceships and or space stations in orbit around your planet. If that number is less than one you’ll have to add the number of full moons from that day to the day after your birthday and subtract the total number of Sunspots that were present during the last three vernal equinoxes. Now, if the number is greater than one, the problem becomes much more difficult as you will need the first and second fundamental laws of calculus and a sturdy abacus…. Of course the star date is isn’t real.

Miller asks, Why is captain Pickard bald? Shouldn’t they have discovered the cure for baldness by then?

Picard is a warrior in the truest of senses. He keeps his baldness to make himself more efficient in battle. And he is played by an actor from the current century where baldness hasn’t been cured, so yeah there’s that….

Shawn asks, How do I know that you’re not a Romulan?

Romulans are a fake species from a fictional television series.

Pete asks, For future Trek: Do you expect SF to accept their first (shown) full-blooded Romulan? Would you like to see it or are the Rommies sacred ground for evil in ST universe?

The Rommies? Really, Rommies? You just said Rommies. The truth is that we here at OW are actually fans of Star Trek, but of course, as with Star Wars and, most recently, LOTR, nerds ruin everything. To be honest, I don’t know what sacred ground in the ‘ST’ universe is. I know ‘ST’ is a fairly well written science fiction show that I enjoy watching, but the fans are the worst. I can’t believe you would say Rommie. God, that’s so lame. You’re lame.

Ryan asks, Would you date a Ferengi?

No.

Adam asks, Space is a bit dull. So why does the Starship Enterprise have windows?

Yeah who would want to go to space and see stuff. You’re right.

Zack asks, Do the Borg have sex?

Nope.

Paul asks, How does it feel to be assimilated?

Like being a teenager. You don’t know who you are anymore, generally just follow the crowd, listen to the voices in your head, try to make everyone else be like you, and criticize those who don’t follow you and yours.

Matt asks, Were the changelings always shapeshifters or did they evolve from solids????

They evolved, duh.. that was in episode 1234ABCD of the 6th season of DS9. Everyone knows that episode. You must not be a real Trekkie, as a real Trekkie would know that. I hate the fans of most things I like. Trekkies are almost as had as Dave Mathews fans. I like the band but hate the fans same with Star Wars. I wonder who’s worse at ruining things Star Wars fans or Star Trek fans.

Dave asks, I took a Star Trek personality test today and I am apparantly akin to Quark the Ferengi. Which Star Trek character you think you are most like?

We would be awesome. That’s not technically a character in Star Trek but we would most like to be awesome.

Chris asks, Why do aliens from across the galaxy speak perfect English?

Universal translators, plus English is pretty common.

Kevin asks, Yesterday, I came across a glitch on my second season DVDs of DS9 (I own the North American set), and I was wondering if it’s just a bad disc or if anybody else has that problem. When I watched the episode “Crossover”, during the teaser, specifically during the first shot of Mirror Terok Nor in orbit of Bajor, both picture and sound freeze for a second. I could reproduce the glitch on both my standalone DVD player and my computer. The disc doesn’t have any visible damage or dirt. Any help in the matter would be greatly appreciated.

Yes this is a common problem for the North American set it, however the south American sets are perfect. The only difference being the South American set is in Spanish.

Related Posts: Ask Old-Wizard: Star Wars, Ask Old-Wizard: Lord of the Rings

10. ET

What’s the first thing you think of when you see Reese’s Pieces (ooh, a piece of candy!)? Or when your ancient grandfather points his shaky finger at something he’s cranky about (ouch)? How great was it when you first heard a pint-sized Drew Barrymore utter the words “penisbreath?” This movie made every boy (and probably girl) from my generation ride their bikes (ah, memories of my awesome starwars huffy) off of home made ramps imagining cruising weightlessly across the moon. Aside from this awesomeness, the movie als taught us not to fear aliens, lessons about racism, that feds should be hated (a point reinforced years later when my freaker friends had their towers confiscated, shutting down our BBS), and that sometimes your parents aren’t perfect. In short, E.T. is awesome. A collector’s edition of ET dressed up in a sundress greets you as you walk into my house.

9. Blade Runner

I don’t think I can say that I’ve ever been disappointed by a Harrison Ford movie. Okay, maybe Hollywood Homicide. That was pretty bad. And then there was the new Indiana Jones movie. Let me back track…its my fookin’ blog….really I can do anything I want! While the aforementioned movies might have been bad, most of the Harrison movies that came out before the 2000’s were great, and Blade Runner is obviously no exception. This movie is a true classic, based on the novel “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sleep” by none other than Philip K. Dick himself. Much like science fiction books at the time, Blade Runner was the classic thinking man’s movie. It attempted to tackle the big questions that science fiction authors, like Isaac Asimov, have grappled with for a long time. It was a huge movie that asked questions like “What are the implications of building intelligent machines?” and “What does it mean to really be human?” Combine this with awesome special effects and a compelling story, and you have the makings of one of the best science fiction movies ever made.

8. Aliens

Unlike in mainstream movies, oftentimes in science fiction a sequel will surpass its predcessor. Empire Strikes Back is clearly a better movie than A New Hope, Wrath of Khan was better than Star Trek the Motion Picture, and Aliens continues that trend as it was a much better movie than Alien. As Weaver stated in an interview: “Aliens made the first Alien look like a cucumber sandwich.” Although I’m not sure what her problem is with cucumbers, I have to agree. Aliens was definitely a much better movie than the first one (not taking anything away from the first movie), so much so that it makes our top 10 science fiction movies of all time list. The story this time around takes place nearly sixty years after the conclusion of Alien, Ellen Ripley and Jonesy the cat are still quite happily sleeping away in their cryo-freeze compartment aboard the shuttle after having sent the first alien out the airlock. The film opens with a salvage crew opening up the shuttle and finding her and the cat. After she’s awoken, she learns that she’s been floating around for fifty seven years and the company she works for isn’t very sympathetic to her cause, basically blackballing her. Unbeknownst to her, the “company” sends someone out to investigate her story and not too long thereafter nobody from the planetoid is heard from again. This of course prompts the company to send the space marines and Ripley as an advisor to find out what happened to the terraformers, and what follows from there is one of the best and most intense Sci-Fi action thrillers to have ever been made.

7. Terminator 2

Terminator 2: Judgement Day was the follow up to Terminator, and once again it starred Arnold Schwarzenegger, although this time he plays a replica of the original Terminator model T-800 which dominated the first movie. Although the story is unimaginative, this is one of those movies that didn’t really need a groundbreaking story to be good. In a future, war-ravaged Los Angeles, human rebels led by an adult John Connor do battle with silvery, skeletal robots. Two “intelligent machines” have been dispatched to the past, one to protect the young Connor, the other to kill him. On late 20th-century Earth, the young John Connor finds himself pursued by two androids. The machine sent to kill him (T-1000) is a newer model than the one sent to save him (which is the T-800), and its one of the best movie villains of all time. It takes on the appearance of a young policeman – the first human it dispatches after arriving on Earth. This “bad” Terminator sent by the machines is far more sophisticated than Arnold’s T-800, constructed from liquid steel so that it can adopt the appearance of anyone or anything it comes in contact with. The film is more or less the same as its predecessor, except that this time around the effects are more spectacular. The script’s good-natured wit is undercut by the sentimentality of Arnold’s Terminator becoming a caring cyborg, and although he is the nominal star of Terminator 2: Judgement Day, the show is stolen by the extraordinary ground-breaking special effects, particularly the “morphing” in which the liquid metal T-1000 transforms itself into a multitude of organic and inorganic forms.

6. Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Close Encounters of the Third Kind, a Stephen Spielberg classic, is more than worthy of it’s weight in alien gold as one of Old-Wizard’s top 10 Sci-Fi classics. Taking place in a time when McDonalds had only served 24 billion, Close Encounters is one of the rare movies whose storyline centers around a benevolent alien/human association. Unlike most sci-fi movies of its time, the agenda of the alien visitors in Close Encounters didn’t involve the mass destruction of humans or the desire to take over the planet. Instead it seemed like all that these intergalactic guests wanted to do was say “hello”, play a few tunes, give back the hundreds of abductees they borrowed and ..well…maybe take Richard Dreyfus back to outer space with them as a souvenir; but who cares, they didn’t destroy any humans or blow up the Earth. It was the least we could do. Although one must question the intelligence of a species which traveled thousands of light years through the vastness of space, plucked a squadron of torpedo bombers out of the sky only to drop them into the Mexican desert 30 years later, disappeared a freighter from the middle of the ocean and proceeded to drop it in into the Gobi desert in Mongolia, sang to an entire population of remote town in India and implanted images of Devil’s tower in Wyoming into a bunch of random humans only to kidnap Richard Dreyfus.

5. Back to the Future Part 2

When asked what the best movie of the Back to the Future Trilogy is, most fans will answer “Part 1″. After all, Part 2 is nothing but a rehash of the first movie, and Part 3 barely had any time traveling. What these people fail to realize is just how unique the second installment of the Back to the Future Trilogy really is. As the movie was originally conceived, it would have been nothing more than a simple rehash of the the first movie, as old Biff was originally going to bring the sports almanac back to 1965 to give it to his younger self. But then the movie’s writers stumbled upon a brilliant idea: have the old Biff deliver the almanac back to the same day in 1955 that the first movie took place. This idea was simply genius, and turned what could have been an average sequel into a great movie. In what other movie sequel do you literally go back to the original movie during the new one?The eighties were a magic time for movie making, and Back to the Future Part 2 was made at a time when special effects were created to advance a story, as opposed to today where the story is written in order to facilitate more and more outrageous special effects. But that’s not to say the movie didn’t have great special effects. Anyone who saw this movie when it first came out who says they didn’t want a hover board is simply lying. Another great thing about eighties movies is that they didn’t have to make any scientific sense. Can you really imagine a movie being made today where the heroes travel back in time in a De Lorean? This is what made the eighties so great in terms of both movies and video games. In Timeline, for instance we are bored with all the endless scientific techno-babble which aims at making time travel seem plausible to a “modern” audience. The seemingly endless trend of making movies more and more realistic has robbed modern audiences of the sense of fantasy and whimsy which older audiences still remember and look back upon with a sense of nostalgia. Perhaps if we had known what movie making would be like in the future, we wouldn’t have wanted to go there so bad.

4. Planet of the Apes

Planet of the Apes was a groundbreaking movie that illustrates just how bad it would suck to crash your spaceship on a future earth, only to discover it’s now governed by a class system of monochromatically dressed talking apes with a penchant for hunting, caging and conducting torturous scientific experiments on lowly mute humans before killing them. There’s nothing worse than breaking down on the wrong side of time and utopia. But all monkey business aside, this movie is a true Sci-Fi classic complete with social commentary, caged romance amongst humans and one of the most renowned surprise movie endings in history. And how great was Nova? Possibly the perfect girl, she’s a hot, scantily clad, mute woman who will follow you around anywhere you go and do anything you want. She’s every science fiction nerd’s wet dream. And although it can always be slightly disconcerting to observe a couple of chimpanzee scientists as they discuss the finer points of human castration, it’s well worth the watch and well deserving of it’s placement on the Old-Wizard best Sci-Fi movie list.

3. Strek Trek: Wrath of Khan

KHAAAN!!!! Undoubtedly the greatest Star Trek movie ever made, Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan is top-notch filming making. It has heroic characters, a nasty villain and a sweeping adventure that is both engaging and entertaining. Wrath of Khan is a sequel to the “Space Seed” episode from the original 1967 show, in which Kirk had banished the evil Khan to the edge of the universe. Now Khan is back and looking for revenge, via a device capable of reversing creation dubbed “Project Genesis”. Project Genesis is a device that reorganizes molecular matter on a sub-atomic level, turning barren environments into life-sustaining ones. Described by Spock as “life from lifelessness,” it was perfectly named after the first book of the Bible. To put it in the words of Dr. McCoy, “According to myth, the Earth was created in 6 days. Now, watch out. Here comes Genesis. We’ll do it for you in 6 minutes.” Of course, when used on an inhabited planet, it has the opposite effect, and thus our villain wants nothing more than to get his hands on it. In the process we get one of the best ship to ship battles in science fiction history when the USS Enterprise, commanded by none other than Captain James T. Kirk takes on Khan in the stolen Federation vessel the USS Reliant. Not only is the story great, but the special effects are also well-done. In this age of CGI it is refreshing to see the ingenuity and creativity of old-style model effects being used so effectively. In short, this is a great movie, and the best science fiction movie without “Star Wars” in its title, which leads us to our number two movie of all time…

2. Star Wars: A New Hope

This comes with a few stipulations; first it only applies before the creation of the new movies, which effectively ruined an otherwise perfect creation. To this day I can’t watch any of the old Star Wars movies because of them, why George Lucas would choose to make those travesties is beyond my comprehension. Was it money? I doubt that, he has a ranch and lots of money from merchandising the old movies. It couldn’t be fame, I mean who doesn’t know George Lucas? I was perfectly happy with the three movies just as they were, the special effects were just bad enough to be absolutely amazing. All those new fancy computer graphics really took the personality right out of the new movies. Phantom might as well have been a cartoon it was so cheesy. Now I know what you’re saying, what about Natalie Portman and Samuel L. Jackson? I agree. I love both them, each in very different ways, but they, being great actors, are actually a testament to how terrible the movies are. Even they can’t save the train wreck that is the prequel trilogy. So before the release of the prequels this was a great movie. Now its just a reminder of what was…

1. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

“No, there is another.” With these words, spoken by Yoda to Obi Wan immediately after sending Luke off on a death mission and telling him to sacrifice his friends for the sake of their cause, I was transformed into something new. Why would Yoda, a good guy in my 8 year old mind, tell Luke to let the other good guys die? Was Lando a good guy? My boys were just ambushed by the Empire in Bespin! Was Boba Fett bad, or just trying to do the job he was hired to do? It seemed as if no one was all good, and no one was all bad. Even Luke had much anger in him, much to learn he still has as he throws away the rest of his training…at least we know Vader is definitely all bad. For the first time in my young life there was a gray area. Before Empire there were good guys and bad guys. Friends and enemies. Autobots and Decepticons. Professor X and Magneto.  You get the point. Now there was something new, people were more complicated. I started to like Han more than Luke because of his relative badness. I went through the awkwardness of puberty for 20 years, but when we learned that Luke was Vader’s son, I knew it had taken me 2 hours to become a man. I went into the kitchen and gave my dad a hug, and then I checked to see if his arm was mechanical.

James asks, Why didn’t the great eagles simply drop the ring into Mount Doom?

You obviously never read the books. The ring was ultimately corrupting and only had one goal, to return to its master. Even Frodo succumbed to its whims in the end and he was a hobbit. By that very reason the eagles, though intelligent, would probably been corrupted quickly and would have simply returned the ring to its master and Middle Earth would have been destroyed. Remember the ring had only one master.

Dave asks, Why is it called Lord of the Rings when there is only one ring in question?

May I remind the readers when asking a question that its usually better to go to the source rather than a random website. In this case and the previous one, the question itself shows that you have not read the books (something Sage and I have done a number of times) nor have you seen the movies (another thing Sage and I have done a number of times). Which means you were probably just jumping on the nerd band wagon when the movies came out, saw them once, and declared yourself a huge fan. Well sir, I take issue with that, and issue with this absurd question. Having been a life long LOTR fan I can quote whole passages of the book and that is something I am very proud of. It should be noted I could do this long long before the movies came out. As described to Frodo by Gandalf:

Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne,
In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them,
In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.

Sauron made the one ring to control the powers of all the other rings and bind the wearers to him. So there were in fact 20 rings by my count.

Kevin asks, Would you like to touch my bilbo?

Only if you are a pretty girl.

Tim asks, What’s the difference between a hobbit and a dwarf?

They are two different (fictional) species in the LOTR series. That’s the difference jackass.

Alex asks, If the enemy had captured Bilbo instead of Gollum, and tortured him to try to find out where the Ring was, what would have happened?

This is the kind of thinking I hate about most nerds. Its the same kind of thinking that ruined Star Wars, you can read about that in my other posts. Yes Star Wars is ruined. What’s worse is that these questions have no answer. The author is dead, this is not what happened, and speculation is impossible. I could say the ringwraiths would have found Frodo faster, killed him, and destroyed Middle Earth thus making the books short and pointless. Is that the answer you want? This is such a stupid question that it incenses me you would even ask it. The answer is that the books would have been completely different. How? Well that would have been up to Tolkien, no? Its like asking what if the color blue was red? I don’t know how could it be and what would that change. You sir are an idiot and I dislike you.

20. Wicket

We meet Wicket in “Return of the Jedi” on the forest moon of Endor. Wicket is certainly one of the most lovable creatures in the Star Wars series from the first moment we see him when he is afraid of Leia trying to give him food. Leia who had been knocked off a speeder is left alone on the forest moon of Endor, only to find the moon’s indigenous species hiding in the trees. Wicket approaches her first with an arrow, making you wonder what this little creature could actually do for damage. After this bashful sequence with each other, Wicket warms up to Leia plopping himself on the branch she is on, and eats the food she is offering him. He ends up saving the rest of the rebel alliance from becoming food for the other Ewoks when he takes Leia back to their village. Wicket comes across as the leader of his specific Ewok group at times, and at other times, a clumsy novice at organization and war craft. We all remember when he tried to knock a storm trooper off his transporter with a rock tied to a rope, only to swing it in his own face! Ouch…We also remember the sonorous noise he made when trying to quietly walk around trespassed areas. These characteristics make Wicket into a remembered character in the Star Wars series and one of the most hotly purchased action figures in the Star Wars toy market. Trying to have fuzzy little creatures declare war on species 4 times their size and far more technologically advanced proved to be an ingenious paradox in Return of the Jedi, that made for laughter along with sympathy at the site of these David and Goliath scenes.

19. Wuher “The Bartender”

Wuher was “The Bartender” who worked on Tatooine who we meet when Luke and Obi-Wan look to have a couple minutes of repose in the local slimy bar. This bar was full of the worst of the planetary thugs smoking their outer space haze and drinking only the most average alcohol from Wuher. Wuher had a strong command of his bar which we see when Luke and Obi try to enter into the bar with R2D2 and C3PO. We all remember the fastidious roar of Wuher when he says “Hey! We don’t serve their kind here!”, referring to his inexorable rules of having no droids in his bar. Even the Jedi and the Jedi in training follow the rules of the supreme bartender. Wuher, also showed a blithe placidity, when he witnessed a fight between Luke and a Patron where the Patron carpingly bothered Luke by saying “I don’t like you!”, “He doesn’t like you!” “NOBODY LIKES YOU!” eventually much to the dismay and life of the patron. All this happened without any attrition to Wuher. After the fight scene, Wuher continues making drinks and the bar follows suit in their voluptuous activities. On that same day, Han kills a bounty hunter who is after him in Wuher’s bar, without the slightest disturbance in the mood of the bar. Wuher owned this bar. People would face threats argue and fight throughout the long hours of the bar’s work week. For Wuher, there was only one rule for his bar. NO DROIDS ALLOWED!

18. Chewbacca

Chewbacca is always a favorite among younger Star Wars fans. He’s not for us. Throughout the movies he’s often moaning at the smallest of perceived slights, and crying at the tasks handed to him by Han. Nonetheless, Chewbacca defines much of what Star Wars is about; A character of pure imagination with more hair than a girl from Woodstock and more personality than a late night TV show host. In other words, an always unique character that would be remembered for a long time to come. Chewbacca is always a main character throughout the Star Wars series, most of the time as the sidekick of Han Solo. While Chewbacca seems to bitch at everything that Han wants him to do, he eventually finishes his tasks set to him. Chewbacca while not being the most efficient of Star Wars creatures, makes up for his laziness in his momentary anger where he’s always willing to defend his master to the death, and even pick up the broken parts of an annoying droid, exemplifying a big inner heart to match the actual physical size of this beast. Chewbacca’s trademark roar has been parodied by everything in modern TV culture from Peter in “Family Guy”, to the late infamous “Tourettes Guy” which you can find on Youtube when in need of a laugh at the expense of others. Love him or loathe him, Star Wars would not be Star Wars without Chewbacca. For a time, he is everyone’s favorite character, until the time when one has to prove his Star Wars nerdhood by appreciating much smaller, lesser-known characters, like Wuhr the bartender.

17. Porkins “Red Six”

Porkins, also known as “Belly Runner”, and “Piggy”, was the hefty hero of A New Hope shadowing Luke and Wedge in the dogfight near the first Death Star. We only witness the brave heavyweight in a small section of A New Hope as his valence led him to stay in the battle at the Death Star even when his ship’s stabilizers were damaged and his shields were about to break. There is often speculation concerning other reasons for his Y-Wing’s failure in battle revolving around his being too heavy for the craft itself. Fat jokes aside, Porkins knew his ship couldn’t stand any more damage but stayed in the battle anyways, proving his dauntless fortitude in the face of death. Porkins is most well known to the Star Wars nerd for his persistence in battle, solidified in the dictum often mistakenly attributed to him, “Stay on target…Stay on target…”. Unfortunately, Porkins became the target of a gunner on the Death Star and was the first of the many pilots in the rebel alliance to suffer at the hands of the Empire in the final battle of A New Hope. We at Old-Wizard salute Porkins for his intrepidness and would never stereotype the quality of character of someone who is obese after witnessing Porkins in this Star Wars installment.

16. Greedo

Greedo, like Boba Fett, was a bounty hunter after Han Solo’s life who we meet for approximately 1 minute in A New Hope. So why is he in our top 20 list of Star Wars characters of all time? Is it because he looks like squalid space alien that would best serve as the worst Halloween costume on the block? No. Is it because his suction cup fingers prove once again to be an overpowering afflatus on the Star Wars maker’s parts? Wrong again. Greedo is in our list because he is the first character to make Han Solo look cool. We all remember Greedo telling Han to pay up…or else, much to Hans chagrin, and eventually to Greedo’s life as Han pulls out his blaster from underneath the table and shoots Greedo causing a state of calamity, just for a moment (remember, we’re in Wuher’s bar now where this stuff happens all the time). Greedo gives Han his first appearance as a swarthy outer space thug who would not put up with all the bounty hunters after his life. Han will eventually pay Jabba, but if you try to rush him, you’ll suffer Greedo’s fate. Much controversy would follow this scene as we see from the 1997 re-release of the film where Greedo shoots a missed shot at Han first, much to the dismay of Star Wars nerds around the world. Cries of “sell out” could be heard on Star Wars message boards across the web. The SW nerds liked their Han as he was, which means a once licentious thug who would slowly become much more affable and good natured throughout the series. Greedo was the character to start Han’s development from his abject roots.

15. Uncle Owen

Uncle Owen, or Owen Lars, which we never hear him named, was Luke’s foster father. Owen was a highly important moisture farmer on Tatooine who we meet from the beginning of episode 4 before the Empire destroys the area in hopes of finding information stored in the brave little R2 unit. Uncle Owen did not approve much of Luke’s lifestyle, from his want to see other planets, to his more simple wants of “going to the Tashi station to pick up power converters”. Of course, we know that Owen was just looking out for his wide-eyed nephew, trying to keep him from getting into too much danger with the knowledge of old Ben Kenobi around the corner and a recent outerspace war occurring just some years ago involving some of his own family. Owen was stern and efficient, having his mind on the quality of farming seasons over and above any puerile desires for galactic adventure games that may have been in his own blood. No viewers of Star Wars ever liked Uncle Owen because he reminded them of their own parent’s authority. What type of contumacy must have evolved in anyone who was stopped from picking up power converters is unquestionably certain. Luke however, needed to be raised somewhere, for sometime, in the confines of solitude and repose, so he could eventually become the Jedi he became. With this in mind, Uncle Owen has to be on the top 20 list regardless of Star Wars fans obstinacy for authority.

14. Admiral Akbar

Admiral Akbar was another impressive character only possible in the imagination of Lucas and the Star Wars creators. We first meet this heroic fish in “Return of the Jedi” as the commander of the allied forces in their fight to extirpate the almost-rebuilt Death Star. Akbar embodied the leadership qualities and spirited rhetoric of a Winston Churchill, while maintaining a uniqueness only reserved to a “fish out of the water”. Akbar is clearly most popular in the obsessive Star Wars fan circles, especially with his unforgettable quotes throughout Return of Jedi like “Our cruisers can’t repel firepower of that magnitude!” said with the type of urgency that made viewers believe that they were in the battle themselves. Akbar, while seeming overtly intense in the actual battle itself, proved to be equally placid in times before and after the battle where we witness the erudite fish in modes of absolute philosophical repose. Admiral Akbar, like many characters in the Star Wars series epitomized someone that everyone could aspire too, regardless of species and respitory systems. He would go on to have his fame augmented in subsequent novels in the Star Wars series, but more than anywhere, Akbar was first and foremost known for his quality of character shown in The Return of the Jedi. “All craft, prepare to jump into hyperspace on my mark!”

13. C-3PO

C-3PO was always conspicuously homoerotic (not that there’s anything wrong with that!). C-3PO was also excessively worrisome and carping at times. But C-3PO was more tolerably annoying, and even sometimes more welcomingly annoying, than the kind of annoying that embodied playing Dreamcast for example. Many Star Wars fans love to hate 3PO, but they often forget the intellectual and technical skill of this protocol droid who knew “over 6 million forms of communication” and served over 40 masters in all discursive tasks put to him. Even with all of 3PO’s technical proficiencies, he never boasted himself as highly important, often being heard by his masters as saying “I do not overrate my importance! I daresay I am the most humble droid I know!”. Surely, what one of us, who knew over 6 million languages, would not be overtly prideful of this exorbitant skill. Some of the more entertaining dialogues throughout Star Wars came from 3PO and R2-D2, where all we knew of what R2-D2 was saying were 3PO’s interpretations. What we gathered from the substance of their conversations was mostly R2-D2 making fun of 3P0, much to 3PO’s chagrin, as he was commonly taken back by R2-D2’s apparent impertinence. Love him or hate him, C-3PO was absolutely an essential figure throughout Star Wars, even if his character played the role of someone you would commonly be piqued by in real life. Star Wars could never limit itself to ideal characters, making Star Wars ascend beyond what’s normally understood as “ideal”. Accept that the world will be full of 3PO’s, and you’ll start to see their importance too.

12. Jabba the Hutt

What a character Jabba the Hutt was. Only in the imagination of George Lukas could something so bawdy and amorphous manifest itself. This slimy massive behemoth of Tatooine was the king of the desert, offering rich bounties to all those who wanted to make money by capturing debtors of Jabba’s. Jabba could barely move, could barely talk with out drooling, and was about as attractive as Rosie O’Donnel. Nonetheless, Jabba commanded a respect like no other, running a successful black market establishment with visiting players as cool and surreptitious as Boba Fett and Han Solo. When Jabba spoke, everyone became silent. His sonorous voice echoed over the chambers of his palace, keeping the slaves and gamblers in line, demonstrating who the real count of Tatooine was. It was quite a scene seeing Leia ineluctably chained to the tumultuous beast. It was an even more somber scene when she strangled him to death with her own fetters, making the rats and low life of the palace cry for the resurrection of their master. Jabba the Hutt is what happens when you have creator with an imagination as vast as the infinite universe. No one could dream up this type of character until it was actually seen in reality. Jabba is a testament to the perennial uniqueness of the Star Wars saga.

11. R2-D2

Unless you have been living underneath a rock for the past thirty some odd years, you have heard this voice broadcast to you by some sort of medium, and it sounds rather familiar. The beep-birk-bonk-sqwark-beep-ding is the noise that R2-D2 makes throughout his career in the Star Wars movies. R2-D2 is the most popular Droid in the Star Wars Saga. The reason being you may ask? Is it his lovable character that draws people in? His often rambunctious escapades with C-3PO? All very good guesses. But it’s probably just because he is a lucky little robot that hasn’t gotten blasted by Storm Troopers or bashed into bytes by Wookies. Give the bot some credit though. R2 has been through a lot in the series. Traveling from planet to planet on the outside of a fighter ship is taxing on the clear coat. But R2 often manages to take a lickin’ and keep on kickin’. Or should I say shockin’? It always tickles Star Wars fans when he extends his prod-device arm and shocks critters.R2 served as a good friend to C-3PO, having helped to rebuild him several times, and probably having to continually wax that golden case C-3PO sports. Even though he can be made into interpretive trash can art when he is decommissioned, R2 has saved Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon so many times that it is doubtful he would receive anything less than a full Rebel military funeral. It can be quite moving when the Wookie’s belt out the tune of “Taps” to the setting Endor sun. R2 has helped make Star Wars into what Star Wars really is…one of the greatest sci-fi movie series ever created. The spirit of R2-D2 will live long and prosper (I know, wrong franchise) far into the future because of his impact in saving the galaxy.

Nick asks, Why do people think Star Wars is nerdy?

I know right. Space, science, laser swords, guys in weird costumes what’s weird about that?

Jeff asks, In both The Phantom Menace and A New Hope, Jawas can be heard exclaiming, “Utinni!” What does this mean? Is it a word or just an exclamation?

This is the problem with you Star Wars geeks, you have to know everything, without realizing that its the mystery that makes the movies so good. Stop being Lucas and making good things suck.

James asks, What did Vader’s interrogation droid do to Princess Leia?

They played three games of tic tac toe to see if she had to release information on the secret rebel base.

John asks, While watching Return Of The Jedi for the 1000th time (I know it’s not a record), it finally dawned on me that when Obi-Wan’s spirit comes from the woods on Dagobah to talk to Luke, he walks a few steps and then sits down! Does a Jedi apparition really need to take a rest, or was I right in just ignoring it the first 999 times?

Well if you walked from the Death Star to Dagobah you would be tired too.

Brian asks, Will there be anymore star wars movies?

No. Lucas is over the hill. His new movies all have poor character development

Darth Hobbit asks, Where is the Star Wars Galaxy?

New Zealand

Chris asks, What was the worst Star Wars movie?

Episode 1

Tom asks, What’s your favorite Star Wars video game?

The old Star Wars arcade game. Man..that thing still gets a quarter (at least) from me anytime I see it anywhere.

Art asks, Who’s your favorite Star Wars character?

Lando. Best hair, best cape, only pimp in the Star Wars series

Alex asks, Here is something that I’ve always thought was a little strange. When Obi-Wan takes Luke to Mos Eisley, why does he tell Luke everything about the place? If Luke has grown up on Tatoonie, it seems like he would know something about it or would have been in a cantina before.

If its one thing I love its a well thought out question. This question just happens to be one of those. In order to better understand it lets put this oddity into a better perspective. We live on the planet Earth, which by all measure is fairly large, and has many places. Very surprisingly when I was the young age that Luke Skywalker was when he got tossed into a galactic war between good and evil I hadn’t been to a bar before. Weird right? It would therefore be safe to assume a description of one may be helpful the first time I went. Also I haven’t even been to every city in the state I’m from, let alone the entire planet. Similar logic dictates that a description would also be helpful when entering a new area, especially a bad area, and even more especially when you are trying to blend in. A little knowledge of how things work might go along way. To put it more bluntly I live on Earth but have never been to a bar in China, weird right? Luke’s case is even more extreme; he is a poor farmer boy, they didn’t have the internet, and my guess is Mos Eisley was a bit of trip. So by my figuring he would most likely not have been in a cantina before, and probably knew little if anything about the day-to-day in a spaceport. Hence Obi-Wan filling the lad in on the lay of the land.

Z Dawg asks, What does the acronym R2-D2 stand for?

Ron Twodaletwo

Steve asks, Is R2-D2 real?

I’ve decided not to answer this question. It’s obviously utterly stupid. Instead I’m going to use this space to prove that Star Wars fan-boys are responsible for ruining Star Wars. The reason being is that they, for unknown reasons, must suck the mystery out of every single minute detail of the movies. They have to know the name and personal background of every character. “Oh that dead guy there (who’s only in the movie for 1/8th of 1 second) is blah blah, he’s from the fuck face planet, has two wives and eighteen children.” Shut the fuck up. Star Wars was great because of the mystery, the intrigue, and all that was unknown. Another prime example is Boba Fett, he was awesome as an unknown bad ass bounty hunter and everyone loved him for that reason. Now he sucks. He’s a clone or something and his dad got killed. Now he’s a pussy with daddy issues. The mystery of who or what he was, was way better than the now reality. J.R.R. Tolkien once said that the reason Lord of the Rings was so popular was that there was always a tower in the distance that you could see, but you never get to go to. The potential for a story or peril or something unknown is what drew that average reader into his world. The same can be said for the original Star Wars movies. Maybe its Lucas’s fault for caving into the pressures of the hordes of idiotic Star Wars fans, maybe he saw masses of money and decided to forgo his beautiful creation for some pop culture piece of crap that goes to every tower and leaves no stone unturned. Those are, of course, metaphors. I like the mystery of Darth Vader more than the heart sick fuck up. Lets face it, Darth Vader fell to the most common of all human problems: women. He fell in love with a girl and became so obsessed it drove him mad. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! The most evil guy ever is evil because of a girl! Nobody knew what we had with the original movies until they were destroyed by the prequels. I hope your happy that you now know more about the Star wars universe at the expense of the mystery, which is what made them great. Jerks.

5. Dex

I honestly don’t know if I even really have to explain our #5 worst Star Wars character of all time. The scene in Dex’s diner in Episode II: Attack of the Clones is a perfect example of how lazy of a story teller George Lucas has become ever since The Empire Strikes Back. Basically, Lucas needed to find a way for Obi-Wan to find the planet Kamino, even though the Jedi Archives themselves couldn’t find it. So the obvious answer, of course, would be to ask a short order cook at a 1950’s Earth Diner. How this repulsive creature could know that the saber dart that Obi-Wan retrieved from a bounty hunter must have come from the planet Kamino (one of fifty MILLION planets in the Star Wars universe) just by looking at it is beyond me. And Dex’s line after he “figures out” which planet this dart was made on is even more ridiculous. “I should think you Jedi would have more respect for the difference between knowledge and wisdom.” What? What the hell does that even mean? And why did Obi-Wan consult a cook at a diner to get this “wisdom” anyway? Isn’t there a better source of information on Coruscant than a diner? This is the capital of a galaxy wide empire. There must libraries, universities, and countless other places to get information from. Why a diner? Yeah, its cool that Lucas wanted to give a shout out to American Graffiti in a STAR WARS movie, but couldn’t he have found a more subtle way that this? And considering the fact that the entire prequel trilogy is pretty much nothing more than a six hour long shout out to the original trilogy anyway, I’d say the shout outs have gone a little too far at this point.

4. Yaddle

Was there really any need to add a female version of Yoda into the prequel trilogy? Not only that, but does she also have to be a Jedi Master on the Jedi council along with Yoda? What George Lucas has done with the prequel trilogy is to make each character in the original trilogy a cliche of themselves. Any member of Yoda’s species we see has to be a powerful Jedi, just because in the original movies Yoda is a powerful Jedi. (in the same line of thought, any bounty hunters we encounter in the new movies would have to be like Boba Fett, but more on that later). We see this theme again and again in the prequel trilogy. I could have gone the rest of my life never seeing another member of Yoda’s race. When I was a kid one of the coolest things about Yoda was that he was unique. Yeah, deep down I knew there must have been more of his species out there in the galaxy, but it still didn’t mean I ever wanted to see another member of it in a Star Wars movie. I liked the mystery a whole hell of a lot more. Sometimes I imagined that he was the last of his race. Other times I imagined that maybe he was once a human, but after 900 years of using the force he became a twisted little green creature. Either way, it was a nice little mystery. But, as would happen many more times to many more of my favorite Star Wars characters, in the new movies, any sense of mystery Yoda might have held for me though disappeared immediately after seeing Yaddle in the Phantom Menace.

3. General Grievous

Where to start with General Grievous? It was really hard to place General Grievous at #3 on our list. Everything was telling me to put him at number one. The only thing stopping me was that by the time General Grievous made his appearance it the Star Wars saga in Episode III: Revenge of Sith, all hope had already been lost for the prequel trilogy. This alone saves General Grievous from otherwise dominating our number one spot as the worst Star Wars character of all time. The villain of a movie is usually supposed to inspire some fear in you, as the movie goer. Darth Vader and the Emperor, and even Grand Moff Tarkin accomplish this feat rather well in the original trilogy. Unfortunately the same cannot be said of General Grievous. Sure, he looks scary…At first. But then he starts hacking and wheezing and any sense of dread you might have had soon vanishes. As a matter of fact, during the scenes in which he is on the screen for longer periods of time, the dread quickly turns into annoyance. You just want him to shut up. Its like watching a movie while sitting next to someone with a really bad cough. As if a coughing robot weren’t dumb enough, the guy is basically a professional Jedi assassin. What? Is it really that easy to kill a Jedi? You just need to hire a robot with a really bad cough? Why the hell was the emperor so afraid of Luke becoming a Jedi in the original trilogy? Shouldn’t he have been more afraid of someone building another robot with Asthma? This guy has a collection of lightsabers from all the Jedi he killed. Throughout the entire prequel trilogy our reverence for the Jedi knights, reverence that was built to epic proportions by the time we saw Luke take down all of Jabba’s henchmen almost single-handedly in the Return of the Jedi, has slowly evaporated. In Episode II we see Jedi falling by the hundreds on Geonosis at the hands of battle droids, we see a bounty hunter casually shoot one down of a balcony, and now we find out an Asthmatic robot has been killing them one by one and collecting their lightsabers. Where will it end?

2. Jango Fett

How many lives were ruined when it was revealed in Episode 2: The Attack of the Clones that Boba Fett was in fact the clone of Jango Fett, and not only that, he was raised as his son? Boba Fett was in like three scenes in the original trilogy, and had maybe two lines. Why was he even included in the prequel trilogy at all? Couldn’t George Lucas have come up with a new bounty hunter? The only reason I can come up with is because Boba Fett’s action figures fly off the shelves. It’s like George Lucas had to find a way to fit every character from the original trilogy into the new movies. (C-3PO, R2-D2, Jabba the Hutt, even Chewbacca made an appearance in Episode 3!) Boba Fett himself was cool before we knew what he looked like and where he came from, and now that we know, he’s lost all of his original appeal (especially after we see what an annoying brat he was as a kid). Jango Fett’s inclusion in the prequel trilogy in and of itself would be enough to warrant his place on his list, but to make matters worse it is with Jango Fett that all of our ideas we had about how bad ass the Jedi Knights were when we were kids were shattered. During the Coliseum battle between the Jedi and the droids on the planet Geonosis, a Jedi knight lands on the balcony with Count Dooku and Jango Fett. Jango simply pulls out his blaster and shoots the Jedi in the chest, after which he falls off the balcony to his death. I’m sorry, but I simply refuse to believe that a Jedi knight (remember these are the guys who spend their free time deflecting laser blasts with their lightsabers) could possibly be dispatched this easily. And how humiliating would it be for a Jedi knight to die at the hands of a lowly bounty hunter like that after a lifetime of training? Let’s face it, the only reason Jango was able to dispatch a Jedi so easily is because he is “cool” ( and the only reason he is cool because he was the progenitor of Boba Fett). In putting Jango Fett in the prequel trilogy, George Lucas made both Boba Fett and Jedi Knights less cool.

1. Jar Jar Binks

Jar Jar Binks was the worst character in all of Star Wars lore, and it’s fitting that like the other four characters on this list he came from the new series. The character of Jar Jar Binks was unbecomingly puerile, coming across as annoying to anyone above the age of 3. His voice was grating, his lines were superfluous, and the way he walked was vexing. Every time Binks came on the screen, the viewer was overcome with a sense of embarrassment that they had to watch this character who was supposed to be comic relief, but failed in all instances. While trying to adapt the Star Wars enterprise to a younger market, they lost their core audience who first fell in love with episodes 4-6 for their mettle and rigor in production. While C3PO was explicitly annoying, Jar Jar Binks would try to cajole the audience into placid acceptance. Jar Jar Binks was supposed to be accepted as a “fun” and “laughable”. Instead, he came across as the ultimate sell out move by George Lukas who was obviously trying to adapt to an audience he thought was dumb enough to fall for the lackluster comedic appeal of Binks. His clumsiness is never entertaining. One wonders how he survived past episode 1 into Episodes 2 and 3. The Star Wars series won its success from its unabashed forays into aggrandized space war themes. It’s toughness made the viewer believe in what he was watching. That Lucas thought the series would improve by adding this unctuous and mawkishly cute character was beyond fans of the original Star War series. Clearly, Lucas was taking the Star Wars series to a place the original fans wanted nothing to do with.