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• Ask Old-Wizard: Star Wars Edition

  

  Written by Zeromage 8 Comments
  Last Updated:: June 7, 2008

  Next week we will be releasing our Top 20 Star Wars Characters List, and with that in mind, I decided to answer only Star Wars related questions this week. I’ve received quite a few since we released our Top 5 Worst Star Wars Characters List a while back, and I’m sure I’ll be answering more in the future, so keep sending them.

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• Top 10 Most Powerful Superheroes of All Time

  

  Written by Zeromage 5,620 Comments
  Last Updated:: May 23, 2008

  Here it is folks, the biggest debate on the whole interweb. Never has there been a more well thought out argument for a completely non-existent thing. Which superhero could beat up which other superhero. Never has a group of people spent more time drawing graphs, doing calculations, making charts, and writing computer programs to prove that the hero they love is in fact the toughest. These people do more literature searches than a graduate student writing their dissertation on literature. One can only imagine what world problems could be solved if comic book nerds would instead focus this same energy on say; poverty, healthcare, the climate, pollution, the economy, childhood obesity, cancer, sudden infant death syndrome, racism, genetic disorders, violence against women, the melting ice caps, sending a man to mars, depression, solving Goldbach’s conjecture, creating a unified field theory, un-raveling the mystery of DNA, figuring out what happened before the big bang, resolving religious tensions in the Middle East, finding peace on Earth, making cleaner cars, sustainable energy, nuclear fission, getting rid of hippies, and the million other things that would make this world a better place to live in.

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• Top 10 Bands of The 90’s

  

  Written by Zeromage 53 Comments
  Last Updated:: May 9, 2008

  When one reads or watches a “traditional” best bands of all time list, the assumptions get unquestioned. What happens is that people who profess to be “music listeners” accept these lists without ever asking themselves “Why the fuck should I listen to anything VH1 says”. When one list “argues” for its content, others will follow suit without ever questioning the quality of the bands on the list. This being utterly lost and absorbed in the publicness of the “they” solidifies the image of bands and best bands for decades and maybe even centuries to come. For example, you will get a “traditional” barrage of answers on what the best bands from the 90’s are from people who don’t realize they are simply restating what they saw or read on the most public of public media.

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• Top 30 Seinfeld Characters

  

  Written by Zeromage 16 Comments
  Last Updated:: May 8, 2008

  The staff members here at Old-Wizard are in unanimous agreement that Seinfeld is the best TV show ever created. While not ostensibly having anything to do with the prevalent “nerd” theme of the site, we can leap beyond the formal bounds of logic and make the connections regardless. George? C’mon, This guy has got to be the coolest uptight 4-eyed nerd we have ever seen on TV. Kramer? Who else in modern sitcoms has been described as a “Hipster Doofus”? Elaine? Only the nerdiest of nerds dances as poorly as Elaine does. The list goes on and on as nerds can be seen everywhere in the show from Newman to Babu. So while at first it seems like a “Top 30 characters of Seinfeld” list seems out of reach for the basic theme of the website, at closer inspection, it seems somewhat appropriate. Like all our lists, we thought long and hard about who would be included. For this “Top Characters of Seinfeld” list specifically, we had to increase the list to 30 after all the noticeable omissions we were making in the original top 20 list. Theoretically, we could have even made a top 40 list that would have included most of the minor characters in the Seinfeld series, but some of the roles were so small, it would be difficult to write anything on them, beyond their desiderate one liners. Being satisfied at 30, we present you with the definitive “greatest characters in Seinfeld” list

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• Top 5 Worst Star Wars Characters

  

  Written by Zeromage 44 Comments
  Last Updated:: May 2, 2008

  The Star Wars series was full of some of our favorite movie characters of all time. In the near future, we will be releasing our favorite characters of all time from the series, but for now our focus will be on the worst ones. During the original trilogy it was rare for George Lucas to ever make a mistake in production, storyline, and character development. But since then he certainly HAS made his mistakes, mostly in the newly released episodes 1-3 which had more things wrong with them than great about them. To start with, there were characters in these episodes who were not only forgettable, but stultifyingly annoying. That Lucas ever thought these next characters could pass for the greatness of Star Wars lore makes no sense for the diehard fan of the series. That episodes 1-3 would become forgotten because of Lucas’s interpolations in these movies was a fate that would become certain after one watched episode 3. The superfluous nature of these next characters will be recognizable signifiers of a movie series gone wrong. The diehard Star Wars fan though will always have the crass demeanor of Han Solo to bring back memories of all the characters from the old series that they had come to love. Just look at all the action figures collected from the original series compared to those collected from the new series to understand the different degrees of affectation that the characters in each had. With this in mind, the difference between the character development in both was obvious and will be addressed in this list.

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• Top 5 Girls From the Wonder Years

  

  Written by Zeromage 20 Comments
  Last Updated:: April 18, 2008

  The Wonder Years was full of amazing dialogues, and amazing actors. For the boys who watched these episodes in their young age though, all that really mattered were the girls in the show, the girls that Kevin would inevitably end up falling for. They represented all the different girls that they wanted to meet themselves growing up through their teenage years, from the girl next door, to the seemingly unattainable girl who digs you to your disbelief. All the swings of teenage romance were palpable in the Wonder Years, from a first kiss, to a first slap, to a first possibility of infidelity. It’s with this in mind that we rank the women of the Wonder Years, in hopes of bringing back the images of these women from a golden era who embodied the grace and class of a gender currently lost.

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• Top 10 Bands of the New Century

  

  Written by Zeromage 23 Comments
  Last Updated:: April 4, 2008

  The passing into the new century was a landmark event for the popular arts. Critical reviews of their past forms became common place in their information mediums. Pop music specifically saw itself in need of a transformation into minimalized modes of execution. This insistence combined with the diminution of the major label as that which defined quality, led to more open ideas of what quality was. The two-edged sword of this phenomena created some great bands in the new century, along with bands who equated this new found freedom for an “anything-goes” attitude. This lack for a formal understanding of quality could lead bands into new sonic frontiers while at the same time leading these bands into below-average songwriting. As expression for the sake of itself became the only grounds for quality, anything and everything was fair game in being recognized as good. There were bands though who superseded this flexibility of quality by recognizing the power of songwriting, purely in itself. These bands who were able to combine the sonic territories of the new century with the invariable aspects of good songwriting are given a rank in this list. These next bands have the signature of the new century written all over them, although still imbued with the sense of traditional songwriting that leads to memorable melodies. With these next bands in mind, we will see that the sonic flow of history need not forget it’s invariable characteristics from the past.

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• Top 10 British Bands of All Time

  

  Written by Zeromage 117 Comments
  Last Updated:: April 3, 2008

  The British have given us much, from tea and crumpets, to Winston Churchill, to advanced naval technology, but their most conspicuous gratuity has been their pop music. Consistently, British music dominates pop music from other countries without ever seeming like they’re trying. Whether it comes to pure song craft, sonic innovation, or showmanship, the British always seem to know exactly about the modes of pop music. It’s not our intention to start a war of nations over who has the best music, and this is why our article is not a “Top 10 Music Countries”. Regardless of the caution in these preliminary remarks though, we do expect a certain amount of criticism from the most obvious omission. We asked ourselves what British music we listen to and enjoy the most and this became our list. If we were to base our list on more popular guidelines this omission would not be made, but as this article is focused on what we listen to the most, we could only answer honestly by what we listen to day to day. Here then are Old-Wizard’s top ten British bands of all time.

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• Comic Book Review: Superman Issue #671

  

  Written by Zeromage No Comments
  Last Updated:: December 20, 2007

  Have you have ever paid $2.99 to get kicked in the nuts? If you purchase this issue of Superman you may as well because that’s about how enjoyable it is. This issue starts a new three part story titled “Insect Queen.” The story is actually paying homage to a classic figure that originally appeared in Superboy back in 1965. While most of the other titles in the DC universe are following or tying into the Countdown story Superman is unfortunately off in its own world.

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• Toxic Toast

  

  Written by Zeromage 1 Comment
  Last Updated:: December 7, 2007

  Here’s an original number I wrote. It should be sung to the beat of “Toxic Toast” by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. It also helps to envision yourself as Spiderman taking a vacation to the X-men mansion in a crossover comic.

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