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• Top 5 Worst Van Damme Movies

  

  Written by Zeromage 15 Comments
  Last Updated:: November 12, 2008

  On the eve of Van Damme’s new movie where he plays himself in real life, we decided it would be fun to put together his five worst movies. Of course, the amount of bad movies that Van Damme was in are numerous. One could easily make a list of Van Damme’s worst movies and include every single one he’s ever made. However, there were some exceptionally bad movies where he was the protagonist that not only involved his poor acting, but poor screenplays to combine with the bad acting into some of the worst movies of all time. It’s been said that Van Damme’s new movie will be his best because he is actually acting like himself (meaning consistently losing banal action hero roles to Steven Seagal). If it is, he will at least have one movie under his belt that he could be proud of in his 20 some odd years of acting.

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• Top 10 Problems with Modern TV

  

  Written by Zeromage 17 Comments
  Last Updated:: November 6, 2008

  TV really angers us here at Old-Wizard these days. We remember growing up and watching all those great cartoons and even “real life” sitcoms like Seinfeld that were both unique and entertaining. The TV medium today is an utter disaster. It seems that more TV programs are produced and directed by marketing departments than by professional writers. No wonder why there was a writer’s strike just a few months ago. Creativity has once again suffered at the hands of those who have no creativity but like to meet with other “professionals” at fancy restaurants convinced that their lives have any meaning whatsoever. In this list we will go through the problems with the era of Modern TV in hopes of raising awareness to an entertainment medium that could be much greater.

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• Top 10 Science Fiction Movies of All Time

  

  Written by Zeromage 27 Comments
  Last Updated:: October 30, 2008

  Are you tired of the same old Top Ten Sci-Fi movie lists that have 2001: Space Odyssey listed at number 1, and then leave off all of the Star Trek movies? Well so are we. We think 2001 sucks and decided to make our own list of the best science fiction movies ever, other critics opinions be damned. What’s so great about 2001 anyway? It puts me to sleep every time I try to watch it.  The movie had some cool special effects for its time, but only if you could keep your eyes open long enough to actually see them. They’re spaced out between a long meandering story where the most exciting thing that happens is a some monkeys going wild and a strange acid trip in outer space. And what the hell is going on during the last half hour of that movie anyway? Needless to say you won’t find any artsy movies like that on our list. Just the greats. Anyway, here’s our list. If you don’t like it, go check out Ebert’s.

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• Top 10 Worst Superheroes

  

  Written by Zeromage 134 Comments
  Last Updated:: October 23, 2008

  One of the most common debates found on comic book forums across the interweb is who is the most powerful superhero of all time? Another common debate is who’s the best superhero of all time. Well, since the staff here at Old-Wizard.com are a couple of real going against the grain type o’ guys, we decided to ask the much less often asked question of who the worst superheroes of all time are. After a couple of hours of heated debate, this is the list that we came up with:

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• Comic Book Review: Hulk #5

  

  Written by Zeromage 4 Comments
  Last Updated:: October 8, 2008

  Let me get right down to it, if Old-Wizard ever does a “Top 10 Worst Comic Books of All Time List” this issue will be the number one pick. Not since World War Hulk #5 has a comic book made me this angry (and no, I won’t make any bad “Don’t make me angry” jokes). But in all seriousness, Hulk #5 is a bad, bad comic.  The Red Hulk series has already treated the She-Hulk, Iron Man and even the Watcher like rag dolls who crumple under the awesome might of the Red Hulk. Now it’s Thor’s turn. This should have been a match-up for the ages. You have the Hulk, one version of him anyway, a beast with nearly limitless power doing battle with the nigh-invulnerable Norse god of thunder. Instead of making things interesting, or finally providing Red Hulk with a suitable opponent, Jeph Loeb allows his creation to trounce Thor for half the issue. Personally I hate villains whose only defining trait is the fact that they’re stronger than every other hero in the universe. You may think that I should stop whining that my precious Thor got his ass kicked, but this series is undermining the character’s place in the current Marvel Universe.  J. Michael Straczynski has spent a lot of time carefully reestablishing Thor as a complex, powerful figure. This new comic book throws all of Straczynski’ subtlety out the window and then kicks sand in his face for good measure.

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• Album Review: Oasis Dig Out Your Soul

  

  Written by Zeromage 27 Comments
  Last Updated:: September 26, 2008

  

  Plod rock gains a new meaning

  Oasis’s previous album “Don’t Believe the Truth” was a return to form of sorts for Oasis. Noel Gallagher’s impeccable songwriting was matched with a creativity missed since “Standing on the Shoulder of Giants”, even as this later album had its obvious missteps. With the new lineup firing on all cylinders with “Don’t Believe the Truth”, the Oasis fan was ready for the next album that would take them into a musical peak. We kept hearing about thousand piece orchestras layered over each other and grooves that resembled the best of Madchester circa 1990. The new songs were going to be reminiscent of “Columbia” off of their debut album “Definitely Maybe”. With Dig Out Your Soul, Oasis certainly hit a groove, unfortunately it’s a groove as dry and plodding as a rotting piece of wood. With Dig Out Your Soul, Oasis are on autopilot. This can be good for some bands, but definitely not for Oasis, who publicly and consistently pride themselves on antiquity. What Noel Gallagher fails to realize though, is that the justification for antiquity in music can become an antiquated notion itself. This is the sound of “Dig Out Your Soul”.

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• Top 10 80’s Cartoons

  

  Written by Zeromage 200 Comments
  Last Updated:: September 22, 2008

  Oh the 80’s. The decade that gave us the Wonder Years, Who’s the Boss, great video games and a flippant hairstyle as high as a skyriser. What else could the 80’s be known for? What about all the great cartoons that came out in the 80’s? In this list, we will go through what we think are the top 10 cartoons from the 80’s. These are the cartoons that we watched after school, before school, on weekends, and any time we had the privilege to tape the shows on our VCR (mostly after school though). We wanted to revisit these gems to let everyone remember how amazing cartoons were in their yesteryear. We thought about these cartoons in our sleep and talked about them at class during the day. Here then are our the greatest cartoons of the 80’s.

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• Top 5 Reasons Why You Watch Everybody Loves Raymond

  

  Written by Zeromage 11 Comments
  Last Updated:: September 8, 2008

  “Everybody Love Raymond” has secured for itself a seemingly never ending rotation on modern TV. This show usually runs around 7 o’ clock on multiple channels at once. There must be a reason for this show’s popularity, right? We at Old-Wizard though find this show to be one of the most noticeable signifiers of western civilization at its lowest point. In this article, we’ll go through why anyone would watch this show with any sense of enjoyment. Hopefully we won’t offend the “Everybody Loves Raymond” bandwagon too much with this article, but as always with Old-Wizard, we aren’t out to coddle that which is shit.
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• Top 10 American Bands

  

  Written by destructomaximo 67 Comments
  Last Updated:: August 16, 2008

  After releasing the Top 10 British Bands of all time and the Top 5 Swedish Bands of all time, it was only a matter of time before we released a “Top 10 American Bands” list. Sticking to bands within our generation helped narrow the long list of bands on our original roster, which was more like the top 1000 American bands. Luckily, we rethought our list after a fateful computer crash. As usual, this list has nothing to do with chart positions or albums sold, simply what we like. Since we are always right, take note, dear reader, and go get whatever you might not have from this list. Kisses fu%#ers.

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• Why the Sentry is the Worst Comic Book Character of All Time

  

  Written by Zeromage 12 Comments
  Last Updated:: August 2, 2008

  In theory the Sentry is a really cool superhero. But the unfortunate reality is that whenever the Sentry actually makes an appearance in a comic book he usually ruins the story. Why does Marvel continue to use this character? No one can seem to write him correctly. The best and most recent example of this is in the very poorly written World War Hulk storyline when he fought the Hulk. He is supposed to possess the power of “a million exploding suns”, but yet, when we see him “unleash his power like never before” (in Reed Richard’s words) he merely destroys a few city blocks on Manhattan Island and even normal mortals are left alive and uninjured standing right next to ground zero. Given what we previously knew about the Sentry he should have utterly destroyed the Hulk in a one on one confrontation, even in a simple, not to mention predictable slug-fest (which is pretty much what the much anticipated fight between the two powerhouses turned out to be). Why didn’t the Sentry unleash his other powers on the Hulk? Why didn’t the Sentry calm down the Hulk (much like Reed Richards’ synthetic version of the Sentry’s calming effect almost did to the Hulk just a couple of issues before)?

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