10. People who only watch the Superbowl

Of course these people aren’t fans of football, they’re probably not fans of anything except whatever social protocol tells them to do on a certain day. The worst though is when these morons try to wear a jersey of a team on Superbowl. They actually go out and buy a jersey before the Superbowl knowing nothing about the team except for the fact that the color strikes them a certain way, or they saw an interview with the quarterback a week before the game and liked his humility or some dumb character aspect about him and decided to like this team on this one day and forget about them forever until the next Superbowl where they decide to like a team just because it’s a Superbowl. Shit, if it’s all that Nacho Dip you’re after, just go eat like the pig you are and stop pretending to care about something you couldn’t give a shit about.

9. People who find it necessary to eat bad food when watching football

What the hell is with this culture? What is it about football that makes people want to eat food that makes you go to the bathroom every second?  Don’t you want to watch the game at all? Is it the alcohol that one drinks during a game that makes them hungry? I don’t think this is the case. People feel there’s a God given right to eat like assholes when watching a football game. What is it in watching people who are hitting each other that induces one to eat hot dogs, burgers, and wings? And not only to eat junk food, but to get excited about the fact that they’re eating junk food? Some people can’t watch again unless they have food that’s going to make them run to the toilet after, which they think is a good thing. Is this hyper-masculinity supposed to make some women attracted? If it does, then you’re attracting an idiot.

8. People who wear pink football jerseys

When you see someone wearing a pink football jersey you can be sure she has no idea about football and has no idea who’s on the team they’re wearing, and maybe even the team that they’re wearing! Of course this one is directed at a certain sex and is misogynistic. For all the girls out there who want to impress their male counterparts, stop pretending to like a team by wearing these stupid ass things. If you could just try to know one player on the team I like, that would be awesome. And the next time they play, if you could know that player off the top of your head without me having to say it, that would be really cool. I would really like you then. Then after that, just hand me over that pink jersey so I can burn it with the most ebullient laugh I’ve had all year.

7. Steelers Fans

Steelers are the “Industrial” fans, and by that I don’t mean Industrial Music, I mean they think they’re from fucking mining towns! Yes, we all know Pittsburg is so fucking working class, just like Buffalo is, but Pittsburg has the feeling of a guy with a mustache working in some crusty industrial plant creating something that is absolutely representative of Americana. This idea gives Steelers fans the feeling of being hard. Whenever you come across Steelers fans, just know that they think they’re tough because they’re wearing their Steelers apparel. It’s a material signifier for the fact that they’re really fat loafs who have below-average looking girlfriends. Another thing, supposedly the Steelers have “fans” all over the place but why all the empty seats at Heinz Field year after year?

6. People who have to ask who their team is playing on game day

Just stop watching football for God’s sake, and please stop saying that you even “have a team” you like. If you find out who “your team” is playing just before the start of the game, you don’t really like this shit except for the fact of making bad banter with your Dilbert looking colleague at your boring job the next day. All it is, is something to say. If you don’t know who “your team” is playing a week in advance, you don’t really have “a team”, but a need to be part of something you know nothing about. You like someone at the office and want to appear that you like what they like but in a different way by liking a different team than them. It’s probably some girl who pretends to like the Cowboys. Two people talking about football with no idea what it’s about. “My team won, your team lost”; office banter at it’s worst.

5. Oakland Raiders Fans

Another tough guy crowd. Okay, we get it. You’re fat as hell, you eat lots of hot dogs in front of cameras, and drink really shitty bear because some advertisement unconsciously got into your head that says fat guys can get beautiful women by drinking shit bear. You paint yourself in silver and black as a new age pirate showing how tough you and your team really are. You get your ass beat almost every year now and your stadium is full of rowdy people who are getting their ass beat in life every year by their weight problem. Oh yeah, and you have a GM who has a penchant for picking the worst players in the first round out of every GM in the history in the NFL. Darrius Heyward-Bey in the first round? Are you kidding me? Just because he ran a 4’4 at the combine?

4. Philadelphia Eagles fans

The Eagles just can’t get it done. Go to the Superbowl and your franchise QB is puking on the final drive of the game, go to play the lowly Cowboys and get your ass beat every time, making it an official sweep for the season, and go to the NFC championship and get beat down by the moderately talented Cardinals. Still, Donovan Mcnugget to you is the best quarterback in the league regardless of the fact that he gets benched and throws interceptions like Brett Farve on his worst day. Much like the Cowboys, every year is the year that the Eagles are going to face no challenge and destroy everyone in the league somehow with an aging quarterback and a running back on the edge of retirement. With one really solid receiver, hang your hat on that rather than all the spectacular members of the team who are really average.

3. Who dat nation

Congratulations all you “Saints” fans, you have become irritating as fuck by sounding dumb as fuck. Your Who Dat nation has become the ugliest sounding statement in all of sports. When “Saints” fans say this shit, they sound like 3 year olds playing GI Joe with another 3 year old. Nowhere will you get substance from these “Saints” fans except for the fact that Drew Brees is the Saints quarterback and “Reggie Bush had a good game” even though he probably didn’t because he only has 1 good game a year. You know 2 players on your team and the rest of the time go about spouting this retarded meaningless phrase. You were not undefeated, you won a Superbowl, and real Saints fans and the Saints should be proud of it. You, on the other hand, should go back to grade school and learn that enthusiasm doesn’t have to entail sounding like an idiot.

2. Cowboys fans who aren’t from Texas

America’s team? How about a team that keeps choking in the playoffs? A fan of “America’s team” outside of Texas? How about you wish you were from Texas and were as rowdy as a Texan who wasn’t from fucking Dallas. One thing about Dallas fans, they can’t just wear a t-shirt or sweater with the Cowboys name on it, but have to wear a jersey of someone. What is this all about? And why is that any girl you see wearing a football jersey is wearing a Cowboys jersey? Is it not possible for a girl to like any other team besides the Cowboys? Do girls just like the word “Cowboy” and pick that as their team? Every year you and Jerry Jones have a team built to win the superbowl but make the playoffs 1 in every 4 years and lose in the first playoff game you play. Get to an NFC East championship before you keep saying you have a team built for the Superbowl.

1. Jets Fans

New York belongs to one football team, The Giants. It always has and always will. The Jets have had some history with a great quarterback and mild success here and there but when their fans and fat coach say that they’re the new show in town and that they own the new stadium built this year, you know they are going to get their ass beat next year by teams. It doesn’t matter how good fatso or the fans think their defense will be (even though it‘s really average outside the cornerback position). That ugly color green is always a stain in the AFC. It’s a stain of mediocrity, and never having a good quarterback. Who else is sick of this “I waited 40 years for this” fan who must let everyone know how much they suffered being a Jets fan because they suck and don’t win Superbowls? Try speaking quietly and carrying a big stick…and hiring a coach under 500 pounds.

10. Fran Tarkenton

Tarkenton was a bruiser. Watching him play QB was utterly fascinating. It would be third and short and this guy would heave the ball up 50 yards on a border-line hail mary play and half the time complete it and the other half be intercepted. He challenged defenses like they had never been challenged before because his style of play was so erratic. Tarkenton won a boat load of playoffs but never a Superbowl, which has to put him at the bottom of this list. He’s currently 5th in all time wins by any quarterback so it’s safe to say that he knew how to win. When on the Vikings and the Giants though, he was always playing with some of the best defenses in the league which made him not worry about being whimsical with the ball sometimes. Watch this guy play the position and it’s pure entertainment.

9. John Elway

John Elway is probably the toughest quarterback of any modern quarterback to come into the league. He had perfect mechanics and a desire unseen by most quarterbacks today. Watching him run was funny, but when the game was on the line, he would lay out his entire body for the extra yard which would inevitably lead to his two Superbowl wins. Although he played barely average in the Superbowls he was in, he always brought the Broncos to the Superbowl and earned himself his first ring with one of the most gutsiest performances of all time. Look for him with the game on the line and with regular season stats. With this in mind his legacy is solidified.

8. Terry Bradshaw

Bradshaw was the first John Elway of the NFL. He was a horse who took hit after hit. He was probably used to it going against the steel curtain defense the Steelers had in the 70’s. It took awhile for Bradshaw to adjust to the pro game going through many personal problems, but when he did, he played with the heart you want the leader of your team to play with. One of the most memorable throws ever came with his 70 yard heave to Lynn Swann to beat the Cowboys a he was being leveled by Larry Cole leading to one of many concussions that Bradshaw would face. Regardless of the concussion, he kept having even more successful years throwing for 28 tds and becoming the MVP in 1978. Terry Bradshaw may possibly be the toughest QB to ever play the game and deserves to be on this list for that reason.

7. Brett Farve

If it wasn’t for all those interceptions, Farve would probably secure a higher place for himself in this list. Regardless of the interceptions though, he was a quarterback with a love for the game like no one else. That he played this well this year for a new team at the age of 40 is remarkable. That he was able to lead his team to the NFC championship and barely lose in overtime was also remarkable. He’s a classic gunslinger. He would throw the ball so hard that new receivers would have to take time away from practice with someone throwing balls at their hands as hard as they possibly could. It’s hard to think of a QB with more zip on the ball than Farve. With one Superbowl and 442 touchdowns, Farve will be on the top 10 list of QB’s for at least another 50 years.

6. Dan Marino

Marino was a numbers king without a championship. 420 touchdowns with 252 interceptions and an 86.4 QB rating, he was statically the Quarterback of the NFL. If only he 1 ring, he would have risen greatly on this list. It’s hard to blame him for this though, with him always throwing massive games with weak defenses who couldn’t even keep up with Marino’s frantic pace of tearing up defenses. As it’s said, one man never wins a game. Marino never had the greatest teams to play with. He made the Superbowl once and was beat because of this. When one thinks of pure numbers though, Marino is the first QB that will always come to mind.

5. Steve Young

You can’t leave Steve Young off this list just because he was always going to be in the shadow of the 49’ers best quarterback, Joe Montana. This guy was an incredible quarterback who put up outrageous numbers. He put up better numbers than Montana actually, and won three Superbowls! You could argue that he was better than Montana but you have to consider the fact that he was under the tutelage of Montana for all those years. The impact of watching Montana certainly had it’s effect on Steve Young. Beyond the stats and rings though was Steve Young’s scrambling ability. He was arguably the best scrambling quarterback of all time. Watching him find his way out of tackles and dodge linebackers screaming into the backfield was miraculous. He was nimble with perfect accuracy. It’s unbelievable that he is often forgotten on any best of quarterback list.

4. Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning is probably the best pure quarterback of all time. If only he didn’t throw that interception in this year’s Superbowl he would be #2 on this list, but that INT was paramount regardless if the Saints DB guessed on the play (according to Reggie Wayne). Forgetting about that one interception though, you have the best pure QB of all time. What does this mean? It means that he’s not a gunslinger nor a system quarterback. He’s someone who reads defenses better than any quarterback who every played the game. Watching him at the line is like watching a magic show. He almost looks insane the way he calls out defenses so easily. His posture is perfect and his mechanics are flawless. He rarely makes errors. He throws with dead-on accuracy. If he won this year’s Superbowl, and then got 1 more ring, he would have taken the #1 spot on this list.

3. Johnny Unitas

Johnny U. For a long time he was the best quarterback of all time, but time had its way and found a couple others ahead of him. Unitas didn’t have staggering numbers, but had all the intangibles necessary to be a great quarterback. He had a load of rushing yards showing his toughness. While his stats and Superbowl rings were just sufficient for this list, his real worth came in how he changed the game. Without Unitas we wouldn’t have the play of Peyton Manning today. Unitas would work the line of scrimmage before a play like no one else in his time. Quarterbacks were used to getting the play calls from coaches and running the plays regardless of defensive schemes. Unitas was the first true student of the game finding weighted defensive lines and exploiting at every chance. He gave the quarterback position the intellectual nature that every quarterback has to have today.

2. Tom Brady

There are pure quarterbacks and then there are system quarterbacks. Tom Brady is the best system quarterback to ever play football. His game planning is as good as Peyton Manning’s and one suspects doesn’t take as much time. The New England Patriots system coached by Bill Belichick wore out defenses in the 00’s with a running game that became a passing game. Brady would throw out to the backfield with running backs following convoys of the best blockers in the league. When he wasn’t passing the run game, he was finding Wes Welker on simple slants and 5-10 step square in routes which he would turn into tons of YAK. If it wasn’t these two he was having Randy Moss make amazing plays on the ball. It started small and progressively opened up. Brady did whatever Belichick wanted him to do. He has 3 championships and broke so many records you can’t even count them now. How he changed the game was in the fact that you didn’t have to be a gunslinger to be a great quarterback ,even though he could easily do this.

1. Joe Montana

Joe Montana is the best quarterback for every reason listed in the intro above. His stats were out of control, he won 4 super bowl rings, and had every intangible you want out of a QB. He was unflappable, read defenses as well as Peyton Manning does now and had the most important intangible of all. He was an incredible clutch performer. Every Superbowl he was in required his clutch performance. Who could forget his amazing force out to the left of the pocket when he hit John Taylor in perfect stride? This is the stuff of pure legacy. With a QB rating of 92.3 and 273 touchdowns, he was the best. There was nothing flashy nor anything that was miraculous. There was just a player who knew that he could do anything he wanted to win a game.

Today the particle accelerator in Geneva has been fired up, some scientist think this experiment might create a black hole (alias a small amount of neutron matter=neutron star=black hole) do you think we are looking at a power source similar to the romulan one? spoken of in the episode of TNG “Time Squared” just curious about your opinion, I hope it will bring us closer to dilithium crystal fusion

There are so many things wrong with this question I have no idea where to start. Neutron matter does not equal neutron star which does not equal a black hole. They are very different things. I have no idea what Romulans use for power but do know that there is no such thing as dilithium crystals. Lithium is the third element in the periodic table and contains one electron in it’s valence shell. It is highly reactive and quickly forms a black oxide layer when exposed to moist environments. It can be made into crystals which form a BCC unit cell that contain 2 atoms per cell. That being said the word dilithium is meaningless. Our opinion is that you, like most of our readers, is a gigantic weirdo who thinks they understand science because they like Start Trek. The accelerator in Geneva will bring us no closer to understanding an episode of Star Trek, it may bring us closer to understanding how the universe was created and fundamentals of subatomic particles.

Where and when did the letter Q come from?

From the alphabet. It’s roots are from the ancient Egyptian hieroglyph and semitic word for ‘cord of wool.’ The exact when is up for debate as written records for that time tend to not write about the written records themselves.

Will they ever do a Star Trek Voyager movie?

Let’s hope not. God was that show terrible. They only thing that saved it was that we got to see the Borg own a good 1/4 of the galaxy. That was great. They should do an entire show on the Borg. I hated that show.

In the episode The Naked Now Just before the star collapses, the Enterprise is seen, in orbit, hovering over the Tsiolkovsky. But in the next scene, the star collapses and the Enterprise is 15 minutes away.

Really!?!? In the next scene!?!? Wow, hmmm, does that mean the advanced the story without the permission of the viewer? Wait is this even a question or are you just telling us that it happened. I don’t understand.

Why has no one ever recorded the lyrics to the original Star Trek theme?

Are there lyrics to the star trek theme? I thought it was because Gene Roddenberry loved classical music and just wanted a simple intro. Who cares?

In the holodeck, Data throws a rock at the wall. It hits the wall and the image of green plants temporarily blurs into squares. Shouldn’t the holodeck dissolve the rock and show a picture of the rock landing on the ground?

What!?!? That’s terrible. Those holodecks are always causing problems. I guess you’re right I don’t know though.

Ask Old-Wizard, Star Trek Edition, Part 1

10. Blues fans

Let it go, seriously. Who goes to these blues festivals? Who the fuck could have the blues anymore? The blues over what? The fact that you’ve lost your enviable retirement supplement? The fact that the world is currently in a state of “disharmony”. Do people just like the style? How do people still want to go to the bar to hear random generic blues? It’s the same thing over and over again. How can anyone be satisfied with this? Just listen to a Robert Johnson box set and get over it. The blues were born in a context that has long since past. You can’t relive the blues that someone like Robert Johnson felt and you will never hear it again, so why are you going back to it? The comfort in the past never visited; the identities first attempt at self-idealization.

9. Jimmy Buffet Fans (Parrotheads)

It’s actually difficult to criticize “Parrotheads” because they’re so unselfconscious of their own actions that they’re sincere.  Regardless these people are annoying to be around.  You find them in hotels following around Jimmy Buffet, drunk 24/7 singing the same 2 or 3 popular Jimmy Buffet songs that I don’t care to go into now out of the unwanted grimace of recognizing those songs.  These fans are well beyond their middle age and are trying to live young again.  People say age is a state of mind…not when your face looks like leather and you spray paint your beard white.  You’re very much your age.  An age that is very much old that is giving it’s last shot at being young.  Hopelessly romantic, or just hopeless?  Either way, there’s an alternative graceful-aging that should be the hope of those young.

8. Heavy Metal fans

Heavy metal fans are a lot like video game nerds.  Where some people drown their sorrows in their parent’s basement by playing video games, some go out to heavy metal shows, dressed in the stereotypical all black, and mosh or headbang. When you think about moshing, its just a bunch of guys rubbing on each other, which, if you think about it, is kind of gay. Just like the hardcore gamer there are very few girls at these events, as most girls don’t like heavy metal. This further frustrates the heavy metal fan and leads to further violence amongst them. The heavy metal fan also likes to claim that they are railing against the life of the common man, the average, or the normal people. They do this by dressing exactly the same, wearing the same color, growing their hair long, and doing whatever they can to become indistinguishable from the next fan. This little contradiction never cross the heavy metal fan’s mind. Sadly, we here at OW love a number of heavy metal bands and have been to a number of heavy metal shows. Oddly enough we dressed in our typical jeans and a t-shirt where the most unique people at the show. One time I had to go straight from work which had me where a white polo. For those who don’t know white is the only color that can physically harm the heavy metal fan. Anyway I got a lot of bad looks at that show.

7. Ska Fans

You don’t find ska fans many places and this is a good thing, because if you did the world would be a massively annoying place.  Instead you find them in the confines of small clubs with mobster top hats on and suspenders mimicking the style of The Specials.  They dance like assholes.  They don’t know how to dance.  The music is goofy and so are they.  Where does the instinct come from to enjoy this music?  Where was the instinct to transfer the horn sound into pop music?  Out of all the orchestral instruments that made the transition to pop music, the horn played in staccato has to be the most annoying.  I claim no understanding in the instincts of where people start liking this music.  I just know I don’t like being around it nor it’s fans.

6. Rap fans

Yes, you’re tough.  You look like you’ve come from “the streets” even though your street is blooming with evanescent willows.  Yes, your pants are falling off your legs.  Yes, you have a scar on your face that you probably gave to yourself because you saw that Eminem gave one to himself.  Yes, your car speakers has no frequency higher that can be heard higher than 25 HZ.  Yes, your car sounds like it’s about to explode.  Yes, you wear your hat backwards late at night in attempts to court trampy women.  Yes, all these signs point to the fact to that you’re tough.  Yes, you need all these signs to point to the fact that you’re tough.

5. Dave Matthews fans

Have you ever been to a Frat party? How do you feel about Birkenstocks? Backwards hats with curved brims? Greek letters? Chugging terrible beer? Keg stands? If the answer to each of these questions is resoundingly positive, then you may be  fan of the Dave Matthews Band. What is more interesting is that DMB is actually a talented band, with a  world renowned drummer, bassist, and saxophone player. Oh they also have this gigantic dude that plays violin. I don’t know if he is any good, and I don’t want to be the guy who tells him otherwise. In any case we here at OW generally like this band but boy do we hate the fans. They are either insanely obsessed or drunks looking for a party. Or sometimes both. We have even heard of DMB fans who will only listen to DMB because they claim nothing else is even worth it. Further research has even shown that there is an on going feud between DMB fans and Blink 182 fans. Why is completely beyond us. Going to a DMB show is like watching every jock, frat boy, and sorority slut get so hammered they forget they were even at the show. But don’t worry they have pictures on facebook to prove they were there.

4. Punk fans

Punk fans don’t like music.  At least they don’t like anything substantial in music. They are more interested in the style of the music, meaning how the band appears aesthetically on stage and the quantity of pierced rings are on the band members faces.  When punk isn’t so obviously expressive in it’s aesthetic repugnancy, it relies on a supposed understanding of anything political.  In comes The Clash, one of the most Overrated Bands of all time.  Instead of wearing your heart of your sleeve physically, you wear your heart on your brain disingenuously.  You read the most superficial account of the Sandinista revolution and somehow equate it as a total repudiation of American foreign Policy.  Anything that can decenter you to others is what’s more important for you.  This argument is tired.  It has to go without saying at this point.

3. Emo fans

Drooping razor edged hair, an operable-to-all sulk, a little eye liner below the eye, the Emo fan wants you to know about them.  Nobody else wants to know about them and never did, so that’s when they turn towards the appearance, the appearance that wants attention, needs attention, and seeks it in the hidden corners of the most marginalized places of modern suburbia.  One day maybe someone will come around and truly understand your plight of always being misunderstood, or rather, never trying to be understood because you weren’t important enough.  Either way, sympathy for the sake of sympathy may come along with another is bored, and together you can feel sorry for yourselves feeling sorry for yourselves.  Objectless, without any idea, the height of egoism is Emo’s inner soft shell.

2. Phish fans

What’s the difference between a  DMB fan and a Phish fan? Drug use. Your average DMB fan drinks a lot of beer, smokes some weed, and depending on how rich and white they are, do a little coke. Your average Phish fan is on everything from LSD to Heroin almost all the time. Where the DMB fan wears clean pressed button up shirts, the Phish fan might change cloths once or twice a year and generally walks around smelling like patchouli oil. Which, by the way, barely covers up the constant weed smell, since they smoke pot like cigarettes. Much like the DMB fan they are obsessed with all things Phish. I have even heard stories about fans doing Heroin because lead singer Trey Anastasio was doing it. The difference being they were dirt poor, couldn’t afford it, and generally don’t have jobs. Much like the DMB fan, we here at OW enjoy most of Phish’s albums but, once again, their fans are terrible people who try to pretend it’s still the seventies. If it wasn’t for this band the tie dye industry would have disappeared years ago. Yet despite OW’s best efforts people still buy these terrible t-shirts.

1. Indie Fans

Indie fans are the worst fans of any genre in the history of music.  They wear the tightest jeans imaginable to the point of buying woman’s jeans if it’s possible.  They walk like storks with their elbows always turned behind their hips.  They wear tight ass T-shirts with some logo on it representing something either socially perfunctory (that they think is significant) or something in the guise of an absurdity in the attempts at making another laugh.  The craving of attention inside the Indie Fan is much like the emo fan except with the ostensible hope that their attention-seeking is methodologically more sophisticated.  This is more gross than the Emo fan when the mask of ball hugger sized jeans is unmasked and the secret loser is revealed.  Only someone of this disposition could listen to such abominable  music that loves to think it‘s quality in it‘s unchecked “creativity“.

10.Will Sergeant

Will Sergeant of Echo and The Bunny is an often overlooked guitarist.  One listen to their album “Ocean Rain” though and one will hear some of the most innovative and neurotic guitar playing of the 80’s. His classic delay used on their previous album’s was overwhelmed by spontaneous creativity on every single song off of Ocean Rain; more specifically the song “Thorn of Crowns”. It’s hear that Sergeant matches the Voltairian madness of Ian McCulloch’s vocals delivery to a song that exists somewhere in the sadistic reaches of and 18th century romantic comedy. Beyond the brilliance of his work on Ocean Rain is his work on subsequent singles like “The Cutter”and “Lips like Sugar”. He could play pop, spontaneous guitar madness; everything under the sun but his work always sounded distinctly his own. Break out Ocean Rain to hear what creative guitar playing sounds like.

9. Noel Gallagher

Hmmm…Noel Gallagher on the greatest guitarists of all time list?  Well, this is Old-Wizard’s list so we didn’t have a choice so we might as well start going into his great solos and ending it like that. First off, listen to the solo in “Live Forever“. Simple, but emotive and perfect in the context of the song. Listen to his massive amount of guitar overdubs in “D’Ya Know What I Mean”; That was certainly a new sound for the time regardless of how much someone would like to simply call it psychedelic. Listen to his hypnotic guitar lines in “Up in the Sky” and “Columbia” and one will find further evidence of a man who just had a sense for what a tune was and what a guitar needed to do to carry that tune. Alright, that’s it.

8. Jonny Greenwood

Since The Bends onwards, Jonny Greenwood of Radiohead has established himself as one of the greatest guitarists of his generation. Whether it’s in alt-rock modes like “Just” or the twiddling heard on “Paranoid Android“, Jonny Greenwood is always looking to expand the sound of the guitar, and when he couldn’t anymore he turned to the programming for his sounds. But between The Bends and Ok Computer, he exhausted all the emotion out of the guitar that there could possibly be. Beyond his actual playing is his striking sound that pierced the listeners ears especially during a solo. He moved across the fret board with a feeling of limitlessness not seen in most guitarists. His expansion of what the guitar can sound like puts him in high rank among the endless list of guitarists through the instruments history.

7. Kevin Shields

Kevin Shields, leader of shoegazing’s most coveted band My Bloody Valentine took the guitar and made it sound like something it never sounded like before. Forget the simple overdrive and sometimes guitar interplay of his “alternative-indie” contemporaries. He made the guitar sound like flowers and volcano explosions at the same time utilizing the whammy bar of a fender Jag more creatively than any guitarist before. It was with Kevin Shields that the obsession with guitar pedals became enormous for better or worse.  What many people didn’t understand though was that Shields got his sound from the way he played his guitar, the way he would exaggeratedly bend notes on entire bar chords with countless amounts of amps portraying the sounds. The sound of the guitar had never seen it’s most outward limits since Kevin Shields and no one has come close since.

6. Jimmy Page

There is no guitarist with as many recognizable riffs as Jimmy Page. No matter how queer it sounds, he is the “riff master”. It would be too obvious to name the obvious songs that one recognizes immediately by his playing. Beyond his penchant for creating memorable guitar riffs though was someone who commanded the guitar itself like a toy. Watch him during the early days in the DVD “How the West was Won”. Watch his playing during “Misty Mountain Hop“. He has total control over what he’s playing that answers every musical move by the rest of the band with an ease unseen by any guitarist before or after. He just knew what to do with the guitar at every second and created memorable lines in 80% of the songs in the band. He is THE hard rock guitarist of all time.

5. John Squire

John Squire of The Stone Roses may be more recognized by “GUITARISTS!” for his second album “The Second Coming” which perfectly updated Jimmy Page’s style into a 90’s alternative sound, but it was with their debut album that John Squire will always win his legacy. Every one song on The Stone Roses debut album was sprinkled with the shine of the best Byrdsesque guitar playing and sound. When he wasn’t sprinkling sunshine on the groove of these songs, he was going to subterranean Caribbean guitar styles that took this pop music into a completely different place never occupied by pop music before. Take a listen to “Bye Bye Badman”. Listen to his solo at 3:00 minutes in and think about the style he played in the entire song before.  Combining this Caribbean shuffle with guitar lines that literally sounded like a sunny day made for one of the most enjoyable guitar experiences put to record. Whatever Squire was being influenced by at the time, we were the beneficiaries

4. Jimi Hendrix

What Jimi Hendrix did with the guitar influenced so many guitarists afterwards. It would take an endless amount of time to list all of them. He not only influenced guitarists who concentrated on their musicianship, but all those other guitarists who wanted bend the living shit out of the guitar string, the other guitarists who wanted to make one note sustain for five minutes, the other guitarists who wanted to combined 10 delays with 20 reverbs to see what massive sound would come out of their Marshall Stack after all this work. Hendrix epitomized a figure who influenced the most disparate amount of guitarists of all time. Think about it. What other guitarist could both influence Eric Clapton and Kevin Shields? The legacy of Jimi Hendrix is without question. You know him, you hear him, you know what he does. It’s pretty simple actually.

3. Johnny Marr

The jangly guitar is owned by Johnny Marr. Listen to the entire Smiths catalogue and at every turn you will find Marr coming up with the most creative guitar lines that was perfectly complimented by Morrissey’s idiosyncratic lyrics. But this is what makes Johnny Marr such a great guitarist. It was never just guitar wankery. Every song had to be tuneful and melodic guitar lines. Everything popped out in Johnny Marrs pop playing. Listen to “This Charming Man” and “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now” to get a glimpse at the quality that Johnny Marr put into his guitar work. Every note meant something. There was no chugging or power chords; it was all just melody that never got in the way of the vocalist. This sense for restraint and melody puts Johnny Marr as one of the greatest guitarist of all time.

2. David Gilmour

One feels like a charlatan putting David Gilmour as the 2nd greatest guitarist of all time because of not including Syd Barrett with his psychedelic musings that must have influenced Gilmour. But when one listens to Gilmour, one hears a guitarist more controlled while still retaining the intensity that Syd Barrett originally brought to songs like “Astronomy Domine.” One hears this equal control and intensity in Gilmour’s guitar playing on “Meddle“, especially “Echoes” which is listed on our greatest songs of all time list. It’s hard to argue the greatness of Gilmour during the solo of Echoes. He pulls something off that’s unspeakable from any guitarist before or after. It’s unfortunate that Gilmour turned into such an average musician ‘rehashing the classics’ in his old age when he was at one time operating at such a primal level in his guitar playing. It’s hard to think of a guitarist who just understood the instrument more naturally than Gilmour.

1. Keith Richards

Keith Richards certainly wasn’t the best technical guitarist of all time but we already said in the introduction that we could care less about that. What we do know about him is that he wrote the beginning guitar line to “Gimme Shelter.” What we know is that he wrote the riff to “Brown Sugar.” What we know is what he played in “Can’t you hear me knocking.” We know how he responded to all of McJagger’s vocal lines. What we know is that we listen to him and we hear someone playing the guitar in a way that evokes more soul than any guitarist before or after. He has an instinct for knowing when to make his playing sound haunting. He has an instinct to know when to make his playing sound more raw than any player in guitar history. 2 albums; Sticky Fingers and Exile on Main Street. Listen to these albums, and you will hear a guitarist with the most instinctual sense for the guitar. He is the rock guitarist who matters most. The guitar was more than a guitar for Keith Richards. It became his body and something more.

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10.Robert Smith

Why does The Cure get listened to so much? There are no good songs in the catalog. There are no choruses. There are basic attempts at sounding pop sometimes, probably one chorus in their biggest single to date, so why the fuck is this fat vampire considered a good songwriter? Is it because the makeup he wears? Is it because he’s fat? Is it because he sings in a voice that’s overly-emphatic, probably due to the fact that he couldn’t get girls because of his appearance. Shit, there was always a weight room in the high school. There was always at least a treadmill. Just think, one treadmill and no one would have been duped into thinking that Roberts Smith’s foray into pseudo-romantic tragedy would have had it’s legacy.

9. Sheryl Crow

THE female American songwriter. She once appeared as credible to people who thought they knew what credible was and then she released that “Soak up the Sun” song and somehow this took away her credibility because a chorus came too quick and the melody was too breezy, but before this, she was the Aphrodite of modern songwriting. She couldn’t write a bad song. Her unabashed self-expression had to be heard as good, especially by those who needed some auxiliary human being to affirm their own self identity. Shit, when I listen to her self-titled album though, all I hear is woman-power rock on par with Meredith Brooks at the time. Is something this culturally relative good? If it’s good at the time, is it good later? Can people still listen to “A Change will do you good” without cringing? Can they do the same with “Redemption Day”? Only a dogmatic acolyte won’t admit this.

8. Bob Dylan

How many times do we have to hear that Dylan is be all and end all of music? What is with all this idolization? And how come every time these Dylan idolizers are called out on why they like Dylan they give the same banal reasons for idolization like “He was one of the great American Poets”. How come when you ask one of these buffoons on the spot which Dylan album inspired them the most, they can’t respond? They can’t even name one Dylan album let alone a favorite album! They know a few select songs and relegate the rest of their opinion to popular mainstream media’s coverage on tradition, whatever that is supposed to mean. Pedestrians, pure and simple…easily satisfied. The human being at its worst.

7. Pete Doherty

The best word to describe Pete Doherty’s songwriting with the Libertines and Babyshambles is boring. Listen to his live solo output and it’s even more boring. It’s a man with an acoustic guitar talking about the basic day of an English life without noticing the subtleties of a conversation that would often appear interesting as is the case with Lee Mavers. Instead we get cockney bullshit about storefronts and hooligans, and everything that sounds cool to the NME. Pete Doherty is the print machine for the NME; someone operating on a visceral level on what English coolness is. See, this is the problem by being influenced by any music. There’s an unlucky chance you might be influenced by The Clash.

6.Paul Westerberg

This dick has the gumption to call out Ryan Adams as being shit. Paul Westerberg in his lifetime won’t write a song half as decent as Ryan Adams worst song, but because Paul Westerberg appeared “hardass” in The Replacements (with their overly mundane punk-turned rock n’ roll exigencies) and his subsequent solo career, he could get away with criticizing a good songwriter. What is one good song that this Paul Westerberg wrote? “Satisfied?” This shit should be relegated to the highschool gym concert series, not a professional band. You won’t find anything better on his Stereo album no matter how much he distanced himself from big name producers to produce a more raw “songwriter in a basement” sounding production. Bad production on top of bad songwriting. This was Paul Westerberg’s next step after his major label stints. It only made sense with the coming of the indie crowd.

5. Frank Black

Frank Black’s macabre style of songwriting would have it’s crowd. Basically, those who liked The Pixies. From all his albums there’s about two choruses worth listening to, but you would still have to endure his painfully overbearing vocals throughout the song. Did anyone ever tell this virulent piece of crap to shut the hell up? Speak softly and carry a big stick (not in Simon and Garfunkel’s way though; which was speak softly and carry no sticks). This didn’t happen because the pretend that people played in liking The Pixies or maybe it was simply a dialectical reaction to the harmonious sounding music of the 80’s. A good reason to never be interested in the sake of liking something for the sake of reaction alone: one day realizing that the man you thought was an amazing songwriter was really complete shit.

4. Eric Clapton

Eric Clapton made blues for white men. If one was enamored by white man blues solos then they may like Eric Clapton. If not, they you would have disliked most of his songwriting. It was generic blues at its worst. Who gives a fuck about his overly sentimental “If I can change the World”, which should be the textbook definition of an unctuous musical delivery? Can’t though. This dude went through a lot of shit. He actually did though. He lost his son, and cashed in on it by writing a song about his loss that made him millions.  Loss and Bluesmen; what the fuck is with these people? Have they ever thought about a type of losing that isn’t existential, that isn’t so tied to the human death? Eric Clapton didn’t, and he cashed in on it. Not even a greatest hits of his can be listened too. It’s generic wanking inside generic songwriting. The dude even looks generic.

3. Simon and Garfunkel

It’s hard to understand why Simon and Garfunkel are known as some of the greatest songwriters of all time besides by some of old farts who only passively read Rolling Stone magazine when they’re at the local book store. These songs put you to sleep, and not in the good way. They put you to sleep in the way that you think to yourself “shit, this is sucks, I’m going to sleep”. Except for the smashing drum in “The Boxer“, Simon and Garfunkel never deliver any song with any vitriol. Call it a style. We call it the emasculation of a sex who no longer exercised the power it once had over the world. So the reaction would be a sensitive delivery in it’s period of settling down. Whatever was, it was inordinately soft, or to be even more precise, mawkish in every sense of the term.

2. Lou Reed

This pile of piss songwriter can’t sing, and writes songs that sound dumb but sound interesting to him, and therefore sound interesting to everyone else because he insists on perennially coming from a different place sonically. Who gives a shit about the Sonics (some Old-Wizard pun intended) when the songs are this shit? Yes, he goes up and down on his vocal range, often sounding like a chimp which relays a sense of primordial delivery to a music listener who got beat up too much at school. Rarely will you find a catchy chorus. You will find songs that elaborate on a solipsistic level which obviously means he’s usually talking about drugs or some vulgar conception of metaphysics that’s parasitically tied to a contemporary politic. This dude’s pulled a fast one of those who “love” him. He’s made actual shit that people love. Do people just love shit? Nah, they just can’t tell the difference anymore.

1. Paul McCartney

If there is one signature songwriter who’s absolutely overrated because of the quality of songwriters in the band he’s in, then it has to be Paul McCartney. Let’s list them. “Got to Get You Into My Life“; no soul whatsoever. “The Long and Winding Road” (which we listed as one of the most overrated songs of all time); a poor attempt at Bacharachian appurtenance (and this was when McCartney was supposed to be “coming into his own!”). How about the unbearable “The Night Before” off of Help. How about “Your Mother Should Know”. I can seriously go on and on with the sheer amount of shit songs this man released, and this was just with the Beatles. All his post-Beatles work was even worse, except for the Nigel Godrich produced “Chaos and Creation in the Backyard“, because McCartney actually allowed himself to be challenged by a producer. Paul McCartney is like an average basketball player who thinks he’s a star but knows he really isn’t so tries to get traded to the bad team in the league so he appears as a star there.
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10. Sam Roberts – Brother Down

Now that Sam Roberts has become somewhat popular and a major live music attraction, no one remembers what started him off on his path to great music. It was a call to existential despair in “Brother Down” that paved the way for the spirit of Sam Roberts. If you want to find the origins of where Sam Roberts comes from, you have to return to this first single. This song was recorded in an 8 track but busted open the doors of Canadian radio to a new style of quality songwriting, a style that would trump all those other shitty Canadian indie bands that came after. For any Sam Roberts fans out there, don’t forget this song.

9. Kenny Logins – I’m Alright

This song is seen as a joke by everyone who hears it probably because it was always going to be tied with one of the funniest movies of all time in Caddyshack. But try to distancing yourself from any idea of the movie and one will hear an amazing cheesy 80’s song with an absolutely ripping chorus that is as odd as it is poppy. The lyrics speak for themselves but not so much to the point of blatant obviousness. It’s at 1:44 that the song takes an incredible turn with a stop in all the instrumentation. It’s perfectly ung vocal harmonies arranged in a completely unexpected way. This song is one of the most odd and blatant pop songs you could hear. Everyone needs to hear it.

8. Suede- Electricity

No one talks about Suede’s “Electricity” off their rippin “Head Music” album. This song grooves like no song after. The bass line is strange. It’s sort of dumb sounding with the drum rhythm in the verse but conveys a feeling of unease. Wait till this fucking chorus hits you though. If you want to know what a great chorus sounds like, listen to “Electricity.” You could listen to this damn chorus for a year straight and never get sick of it. How this never went #1 in the British charts is beyond me. This is the music that is meant to go #1 all over the world, not just in your native country. This is Suede doing more perfect pop.

7. Oasis – D’ya Know what I mean

How easy it is to forget this amazing first single off one of the greatest albums of all time? “D’Ya Know What I Mean” kicked the ass of the listener into listening to good music. The beats were heavy and compressed, Liam gave a perfect vocal delivery, and Noel experimented with guitar overdubs on par with Jimmy Hendrix. In short, this was a psychedelic maelstrom. This was Oasis at their finest. Massive sounding, unafraid and enveloped by a great chorus. That this is never named in Oasis’s greatest songs is beyond us at Old-Wizard. This shit dominates 90’s rock.

6. The Vandellas – Come and Get these Memories

The Vandellas, like The Supremes seemed to have a never ending amount of great songs (much due to the DHD songwriting combo). People forget this early single from The Vandellas though. It barely made a dent in the charts but after a couple listens this may just be The Vandella’s best single. It’s starts off big, and ends off just as big. The chorus is big while still retaining an easygoingness that’s known to the best of Motown. The song rhythmically moves well and doesn’t reach too far lyrically which is to the songs credit. It’s simple and great, like most great pop songs.

5. Kasabian – Processed Beats

Kasabian are the shit. Their first album was one of the best albums of the new decade, but people never mention “Processed Beats” as being one of their great songs. This song grooves with the best R and B ever made while still retaining it’s cool from songs like LSF. It’s vocally delivered with a rawness that only Tom Meighan knows how to deliver. And what about that chorus? This thing is slinky and sensuous. Imagine getting in on this at a dance club with people who actually had good taste in music. A dream come true if only others had good taste in music. Kasabian may have had more popular songs but none ripped the groove harder than “Processed Beats.”

4. Shed Seven – The Heroes

Listen to this song and you will wonder why you never heard of this band, let along this song. How could a song be so good and the band isn’t even popular. How can a production be this smooth and melodically so perfect without anyone knowing about it? How is this song not going to be remembered for decades to come? How is this band not going to be remembered for decades to come? Unfortunately for them, they were competing within one of the greatest musical movements ever in Britpop where every song was a single. The thing was, Shed Seven’s songs were just as good as the “first rate” bands as proved on this grand sweeping waltz of a song. All Old-Wizard readers, download this song, down this album “Let it Ride.”

3. T-Rex- Dreamy Lady

Has there ever been a song with better sexual lyrics than Dreamy Lady by T-Rex? Bolan of course was the master of turning on everything under the sun, but with this song he goes all out. “Oh, dreamy lady, won’t you come to my bed…night is the right time, to get acquainted, with my head, in my bed”. Just barely a metaphor, the obviousness of this line is hilariously executed. The song itself is a super melody of sass and passion. For all it’s sexuality it still retains it’s innocence which is one of Marc Bolan’s greatest traits. It’s a shame that all his later work became ignored because it was just as good as early work even if more dramatic. The songs were still there and is exemplified best by this oddity of a song.

2. Happy Mondays- Dennis and Lois

This song starts off like your watching the beginning of Wheel of Fortune and that’s great! Whenever “Pills Thrills and Bellyaches” is mentioned, this song is never mention as being one of the standout songs on the album, but this is one of Shaun Ryder’s best vocal deliveries in the Happy Monday’s history. Never mind the vocals though, listen to the song. This song has got spirit. The chorus is made for a stadium but not in a cheesy Bon Jovi way, but for the way the British know how to make timeless songs that can be sung by 100,000 people in an arena. “Dennis and Louis” was never released as a single and was in the middle of this timeless album but it can’t be forgotten as an incredibly good song.

1. Stone Roses- Bye Bye Badman

The Stone Roses debut album is certainly not underrated, not in Britain at least. It has been listed as the greatest album of all time by publications in the UK. Never though is Bye Bye Badman mentioned in the reviews of the album and it’s arguably the best song on the album. The song is strangely excluded from their greatest hits album also. This song defines what makes The Stone Roses debut album probably the greatest debut album of all time; An insatiable rhythm section, Ian Brown’s lyrics that are full of bravado while never feeling forced, John Squire’s indelible guitar playing that shows his greatest guitar work in The Stone Roses history at 3.00 minutes in. This song says everything about why The Stone Roses are a band that will never happen again. That these elements can combine into this one sound is an anomaly, one for better or worse is only reserved for the nature of pop music’s flexibility.

10. The Catherine Wheel – Black Metallic

Catherine Wheel were always going to be an underrated band. The vocals weren’t a traditional timbre and the style was always just too pop to be considered “credible” by underground publications but too indigenous to ever become a high selling pop band. Existing in-between this line is a difficult way to success, if that’s even what The Catherine Wheel wanted in the first place. With the delivery of “Black Metallic” though, one could tell that Rob Dickinson and co didn’t really care. Whether they cared or not, this slice of guitar wash and perfect pitched vocals created a space for Catherine Wheel as a band that would be looked upon nostalgically forever. When listening to this song, you will always be forced into previous memories.

9. Chapterhouse – Pearle

Chapterhouse is often forgotten in the Shoegazing crowd for worse. They created a collection of songs that would all be signatures of the Shoegazing genre. Nowhere is this seen more clearly than on their album “Whirlpool”; specifically on the song “Pearle.” The vocals are as dreamy as Shoegazing vocals ever became. The drumbeat is hypnotic, the lyrics are quixotic, and the song is overdubbed with anything that could possibly create a pure atmospheric experience. In some ways, “Pearle” is Shoegazing in it’s most cliché, but that is to it’s credit because the song was executed sincerely; meaning this is a good place to start off for anyone wanting to invest their musical experiences in the Shoegazing genre.

8. Oasis- Columbia

Shoegazing found its best bastard child in Oasis, especially the Oasis of their first album Definitely Maybe. Any number of songs on Definitely Maybe could be considered Shoegazing classics, but it was “Columbia” that inherently understood the musical hypnosis of Shoegazing and gave it a blistering rock vocal delivery and Bolan swagger combining the pomp of past rock and the nuance of the Shoegazing genre. There’s no space for dynamics in this song; which is the heart of most great Shoegazing songs. The marginalization of the “need for dynamics” that was always privileged was destroyed by Shoegazing. Along with Rave culture in the late 80’s, the never ending Ecstasy filled groove became the hallmark of musical spirituality. Oasis took these styles and filled them with Lion’s teeth.

7. My Bloody Valentine- Only Shallow

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past 20 years, My Bloody Valentine is the first and foremost recognized band in the Shoegazing movement and deservingly so. Without My Bloody Valentine, there would be no Slowdive, Lush, or Chapterhouse, regardless of the fact that either of those later bands may have written better songs than My Bloody Valentine. When Loveless came out it was one of the most unique musical experiences to ever be heard in the pop music medium. Everything was faded into each other. Nothing was spaced out. Everything was pushed into an atmospheric medium that at any moment sounded like it was going to explode, and it did explode on “Only Shallow”, the title track on Loveless. Listen to this enough times in your car with speakers up and you will lose your hearing before your 30. See this song live and you will become physically sick by how much headroom the music takes up. Talk about musical experience.

6. The Telescopes – The Sleepwalk

The Telescopes were a band who started off as a band basically sounding like Spaceman 3. It were punk vocals and sped up songs that tried to mesh punk with psychedelic, without the inherent privileging of psychedelic over punk that Spaceman 3 always operated under. As The Telescopes career moved on though, they got the beat, literally and figuratively. They expanded their sound into a massive guitar clash that was more raw than dreamy combined with beats as grooving as songs off The Happy Mondays “Pills, Thrills, and Bellyaches”. It was a perfect combination of dance, caustic vocals, and massive guitar production. They were the only band to accomplish this and it’s perfectly exemplified by The Sleepwalk. Their was a band from California (in the name of Casper) who recently was making music like this without even knowing about the Telescopes, but their want for stardom turned their beat into a Killers copycat. If they only knew, and if they only begin to realize what they once had, stardom would pale in comparison to the music that they once created, which was a new form of The Sleepwalk.

5. Ride- Vapour Trail

The shamelessly romantic “Vapour Trail” always had to be on the best Shoegazing songs of all time list. It’s hard not to be hit by this song in a profound way. It’s hard to not believe in the un-believable and culturally relative concepts of love when listening to Vapour Trail. It sounds more meaningful than any explanation of what the sentiment could ever convey in words. It’s distance, it’s confusion, it’s problems with a romantic musical accompaniment serving as the background to arguably Andy Bell’s best vocal delivery. If there has to be the one song that epitomizes a vigor to traditional romantic love, it would be Vapour Trail. It’s expansively heartening without sounding unctuous. It’s a true accomplishment for a concept that has become so consigned to meaninglessness.

4. Lush – Monochrome

When listening to Lush, one really feels that credit first has to be given to the Cocteau Twins for creating a genre (without their wanting to) in the name of “dream pop” which sometimes can be seen synonymously with Shoegazing, but not quite. This is proven best with Lush’s best song from Spooky and arguably their career. “Monochrome” is a perfect dream with perfect vocals and when the song hit’s the pure instrumental at 2:39, one can’t help but feel that the northern climates will always have a more profound spirituality than any of the southern climates regardless of our history. The world begins in ice, water and snow. The dance of the world begins with primordial ice skaters figure-8ting a sweeping design in the world bestowed upon what was once nothing. This feeling for northern spirituality has never been captured as perfectly as this masterpiece by Lush.

3. Slowdive – Allison

The first song from their “Souvlaki” album, the song starts off in an instrumental haze. The vocals come in that are even more hazy. It’s almost like someone took the tape machine and used a tool to slowdown every track on the record, or it was a band who was operating under a disposition of “just floating”. The haze slowly pushes into a chorus that’s one of the most catchy in the Shoegazing genre. Sisters are spinning, but she’s just fine, she’s just out there somewhere. It’s this sentiment that perfectly captures the spirit of the Shoegazing genre; absolute vagueness but a realization that something is still going on that is always on the verge of barely being understood, to eventually understand it’s superfluous to even try to get by the “barely-being-understood” and the vagueness that points to a more grounding reality than one of reason and enlightenment could ever hope for.

2. Swervedriver- Duel

This song is never even recognized in the Shoegazing genre and it’s more powerful than most every song in the genre. Maybe it was because the guitars were too overdriven with masculinity, maybe it was the masculinity of Adam Franklin’s voice that made this song seem more rock than Shoegazing. Either way, both genres were always closely touching each other. This is nowhere more recognized than on Swervedriver’s Mezcal Head and Oasis’s Definitely Maybe. But with Swervedriver’s “Duel,” Shoegazing was taken into something that was even more transcendent than the laters previous forms. It was taken to an affirmative space where the nebulous center of Shoegazing was no longer falling into a relaxed complacency; it was taken to ages beyond itself, still going for a thousand years, going to the absolutely general “marketplace”. This song was not just the negation of the world that Shoegazing found in it’s most stoic and dreamy acceptance, it was the negation of the negation; it negated the fact that there will ever be a point in which a “pure” reality will ever be realized. The circularity of eternity found it’s most perfect musical example in “Duel” by Swervedriver.

1. Ride- Leave them all Behind

Everything perfect about the Shoegazing genre was found in Ride’s “Leave them all behind.” This is their second place in the list and they earned the number 1 spot for this beast of a song. Listen to it once and you know something’s going on. Listen to it two or three times, and for some reason you listen to it a 4th and 5th time. It’s that 5th time that this song becomes absolutely addicting and hypnotic without utilizing the traditional modes of pop music. This song is grand in sound and lyrics. What starts off as a simple synth turns into a massive wall-of-sound guitar cornucopia. With Mark Gardener and Andy Bell’s duel vocaling, the vocals sounds as hypnotic as the music itself. Like all great songs, the vocals match the vibe of the song. It’s in space, in purgatory, and the vocals match this perfectly. This space though is not something that just sounds “floaty.” It’s heavily intense and commands the listeners attention at every second. The lyrical sentiment speaks for itself and is arguably the most profound in all of Shoegazing proving this time that laconic style, when done right, trumps detail and complexity. This song ends in an explosion and the listener is left with nothing left than something that has just happened to them.

10. Shawn Michaels

Shawn Michaels first started off in the queer tag team “The Rockers”. After high kicking Marty Genetti in the barbershop, he became his own man and took on all comers. He was a force to be reckoned with not only with the girls who swooned over him but with the wrestlers who would have to watch out for getting high kicked any time in the match. This devastating blow was like getting hit with an uppercut by Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson’s Punchout. Shawn Michaels turned back and forth from protagonist to heel numerous times showing his versatility in personality. He was a better heel than hero though; when girls loved him and guys hated him.

9. Rowdy Piper

Rowdy Piper was a firestorm. Whenever he hit the ring, the crowd would erupt. He was a solid wrestler, but his greatness came from his Scottish adrenaline when down in a fight. He would run in circles and then start smashing the fighter to his doom. He was a dirty fighter too. He would take people by the nostrils to the middle of the ring and then eye gouge them. He was a Scottish Street Brawler. His record was impeccable and he fought only the best wrestlers. He was always a great main card or mid card wrestler. Simple in suit but strong in heart, Rowdy Piper was one of the greatest.

8. Bret Hart

Bret Hart’s venture into the WWF was a slow one. He didn’t catch the crowd as immediately as the rest of the wrestlers on this list, but this is what made him so great. When his physical endurance was shown in the ring along with his wrestling prowess, he slowly gained the respect of his fellow wrestlers and fans in the WWF. He became know as the “excellence of execution” and delivered this excellent execution in matches against the best, from Yokozuna to Mr. Perfect. It was a great moment for wrestling when Bret Hart was able to put the sharp shooter on Yokozuna. Even the greatest beast couldn’t get out of the sharp shooter. If it weren’t for ring ropes, Bret Hart might be the greatest wrestler of all time.

7. Ric Flair

Ric Flair never knew when to quit. He loved the sport too much. Just when you thought he was going to retire, he came back and fought with the ardor of a 20 year old. There are many memorable moments with Ric Flair. Most of all though was Royal Rumble 1991 where he won the rumble after coming in at the #3 spot. Looking back, how couldn’t we know he was going to win with Hennan losing his voice trying to prop up the fact that no one could ever win the rumble entering in as early as Ric Flair. He did it though, with poise and professionalism. He was a showman. He knew how to work the angle of being beat and tired. He knew how to drop face first like no one before or after. He was also a good wrestler too executing the figure four leg lock to perfection. Ric Flair was a special wrestler. No heel had ever been as celebrated as him.

6. Macho Man

Macho Man was probably the most intense wrestler of all time. You saw it in the veins of his neck. You heard it in the rasp of his voice. You saw it in his wrestling delivery. He was tight as hell throughout a whole match. Simple elbows were executed with an explosiveness that another wrestler would have done lazily, thinking that they were just trying to carry a match. Watch one of his interviews to experience the intensity of Macho Man. Who knows what he was on before a match or even before an interview. Regardless, he pumped up the viewer into making this smaller figure a main card wrestler. His finishing move, the elbow from the top rope devastated opponents. No one got up from it. One of the few finishing moves that no one could ever get up from. This guy wasn’t simply macho, he was pure intensity.

5. Mr. Perfect

With a name like Mr. Perfect, how could he not be in the top 10 WWF wrestlers of all time? His name wasn’t just a gimmick though. He was the best pure wrestler in WWF history. Every move was executed to perfection; so much so that he had a manager named “The Genius” to further accentuate the his artistic quality in the ring. Mr.Perfect was involved in some of the greatest matches of all time, regardless of whether he lost or not. Forget the arrogant posture he brought the ring spitting out his gum and smacking it away with his hand or his overly-self-assured smirk upon entering the ring. He was a wrestler’s wrestler. He won and lost with grace. Every match he wrestled to perfection. Has there ever been a more perfect finishing move than the Perfect Plex? He was admired by everyone in the locker room where it mattered the most. A true professional, Mr. Perfect really was the perfect wrestler.

4. The Undertaker

The Undertaker’s place in WWF lore is certain. He’s one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, one of the greatest showmen of all time, and the greatest dark figure in wrestling history. This was sedimented with his win over Hogan in Survivor Series 1991. This is when The Undertaker was a heel. The kids in the crowd were crying, the kids who purchased the Survivor Series via Pay Per View at him were crying. How could their hero Hulk Hogan be beaten? Two words, “The Undertaker”. No one gets up from the tombstone. For a wrestler as big as The Undertaker he showed a scary agility being able to fly off the ropes with full body torpedo and could tight walk the ropes and smash a wrestlers arm. There has never been a wrestler who struck their opponent or the fan with a sense of fear like The Undertaker. This presence will always keep in the Top 5 of all time.

3. The Ultimate Warrior

The Ultimate Warrior went through a couple different incarnations, at least, due to alleged death via steroid use. There was only one Ultimate Warrior though, and that was the original who was as close to as important as Hulk Hogan. Who could ever forget him beating Hogan in Wrestlemania 6?  Surely one of the greatest matches of all time, but the warrior had the intensity to take the belt, and just like that, he was basically done from the WWF. He accomplished what needed to be accomplished; holding the belt once, instead of losing it, and winning it over and over (Hogan). The one word to describe The Ultimate Warrior is ‘Fire’. He ran to the ring with fire, fought with fire, and got up from a beating with fire. Trying to understand his explosive and solipsistic interviews is like trying to read James Joyce’s “Ulysses” which made him even that much more intriguing. The fire of WWF lore belongs to The Warrior alone.

2. Hulk Hogan

What can be said about Hulk Hogan that hasn’t already been said? He changed wrestling even though he couldn’t wrestle. He had one of the worst finishing moves of all time, yet somehow he was the most popular wrestling in the history of the sport. He wore awful and entiointrepid tights. When Hogan came to the ring though, the crowd would erupt. Events were based soley on him. Every mid card match was a lead up to seeing Hogan come down the ring. The inspiration he caused in the degenerate fan was earnest. He is human and non-human at the same time. Hogan was the one who started the phenomena of getting up from seemingly interminable finishing moves; shaking his head with the eyes of a maniac. After that it was a boot to a face then a leg drop that would never touch the wrestler. The only person Andre would “pass the torch” to was Hogan, and he carried it for some time to come. Andre saw something in Hogan, as did everyone else who every experienced wrestling.

1. Andre the Giant

Many things can be said about Andre the Giant. He was the biggest wrestler of all time. He was the most entertaining figure to see in all of wrestling. He was the greatest heel of all time, except that he became a non-heel without ever wanting to become a non-heel. This was quite the phenomena. Never has there been a wrestler that was meant to be disliked but people began to like them anyways (Undertaker broached this until he become a full-on protagonist once McMahon saw the phenomena happening). What was it about Andre that inspired this reaction? In one small gesture, Andre would give a slight smile even when he was fighting Hogan and this made the fans of wrestling see in his soul; A passionate and caring wrestler who believed in the non-sport of staged wrestling. There will never be another 8th wonder of the world. While Hogan made wrestling popular, Andre was the first to make it a legitimate show. It was not only his size, but his heart that made for staged-wrestling’s ascendancy.

Who were the trendsetters in music?  Well of course the British.  Everyone followed the style of British musicians and they still do today.  When Liam Gallagher grows his hair out so does a nation.  When Pete Townsend develops mod culture and style that goes along with it, a nation wears the style.  When The Stone Roses epitomized the “baggy scene” in loose pants, everyone started buying them.  No American band inspires this kind of mimicry.  The British know what great style is and combine their great songs with it.  The Americans write average songs and wear straight legged Levi jeans.

9. Better Haircuts

This is obvious.  Check out George Harrison’s hairdo.   Check out Robert Plant’s blonde curls.  Look at Liam Gallagher’s Zeus like hair.  What do musicians haircuts from America look like?  They’re thick dark pieces of shit and more often than not look dirty.  The Brits would never allow themselves to get away with having dirty hair.  Their rock stars; they’re the God’s of the modern age.  They can’t appear at shows with crap hair.  When style has been made by musicians, even in more blatant pop (E.G. Lilly Allen) it’s always been from British musicians.

8. The Birth of Rave Culture

Could you image a world without rave culture?  A world without DJ Shadow or Aphex Twins?  A world without the Chemical Brothers or Massive Attack?  Where would the beat be in music with Rave Culture?  Thank God for Tony Wilson and Factory Records for putting this absolutely essential music genre on the map.  The birth of the DJ was the birth of music as the groove, as it always should be.  The British bands that have spawned from this style are innumerous from The Stone Roses to The Happy Mondays, to New Order, to Monaco, to The Space Monkeys…all British bands…of course.

7. More Ambition

The Brits aren’t afraid to be big.  Starting with Lennon’s quote of being bigger than God which he stated simply as an empirical fact at the moment, The British weren’t afraid to take their music to the masses.  They weren’t afraid to dream beyond their bedroom and the music from Brits benefited from this attitude.  American music is afraid of ambition probably from some reaction to its cultural political surroundings that places itself in a position of manifest destiny.  So because of this we get lo-fi shit or boring bitch fests.  It’s time to turn modesty on it’s head and there’s no better place start than British Music.

6. Shoegazing

Britain gave us one of the best music genres in the past 20 years in Shoegazing.  Do you think Americans would be creative enough to come up with the sounds you hear out of “Loveless” or “Nowhere”?  Do you think an American could create a song like “Leave Them All Behind”?  They could copy it and it wouldn’t be good enough to even be covered by a small American “zine.”  Because of the Brit’s the music listener was able to enjoy Lush, Slowdive, and Chapterhouse.  There’s something distinctly British about these bands;  they all have imaginations, something lacking in most American music.

5. Oasis

In case anyone didn’t know.  Oasis came from Manchester England.  That’s a northern city in England.  Oasis is one of the greatest bands of all time if not the greatest band of all time.  America doesn’t have an Oasis, nor did they ever have an Oasis or any band that could compete with Oasis.  Take whatever America’s best band has ever been (can’t think of many) and match it up against Oasis’s songwriting catalogue and Oasis will undoubtedly win.  In fact, take Americas top 5 bands and put their songwriting catalogue against Oasis’s.  It’s still a no-contest.

4. Better Record Labels

This is certainly a difficult task to list all the great record label that came out of Britain.  For starters, there was Factory Records who hosted The Happy Mondays, Joy Division and The Inspiral Carpets just to name a few.  There is Creation Records who hosted Oasis, Ride, Swervedriver,  and Hurricane #1 just to name a few again.   There was 4AD which hosted the Cocteau Twins, Lush, and Slowdive just to name a few again.  Nude Records had both Suede and Geneva.  The list could keep going on.  No American label could match the quality output of bands on any of these British labels.

3. Condemns the awful indie genre.

British bands correctly condemn indie music whether it be American (which it is most of the time) or British (when some publication tries to tie them into that tag).  The greatest bands wanted nothing to do with it.  Ask Oasis if they’re indie.  They’ll laugh at the word.  Ask the Stone Roses if they were indie and Ian Brown will say “The indie scene is shit”.  Ask Brett Anderson about the word “indie” and he says “It’s a dirty word to me.  A word that means people who don’t know how to play their instruments or write songs”.  This penchant for criticizing indie music has gone a long way for making British music bigger and better sounding than American music.  American music has it’s head up its own ass too much too see that their own self-reflection and loathing is superfluous.

2. Better Bands

Think about it.  The Stones, Led Zeppelin, Oasis,  Pink Floyd, T-Rex, The Kinks,  The Stone Roses?  What does America have besides The Byrds and The Beach Boys?  One can make an infinite list of all the great British bands and barely be able to make a top 10 list of the greatest American bands of all time.   Who are the top 10 greatest American bands of all time?  We can’t even think of 5 off the top of our head right now.  This is a no-brainer.

1. Better Songs

The most obvious reason why British music is better than American music is the songwriting.  C’mon now,  Oasis, Radiohead, The Verve, The Stone Roses, Suede, Dodgy, Coldplay, Shed Seven, Travis?  These are bands that mastered songwriting craft to a T.  There isn’t one American band out right now that could come close to the quality of songwriting produced by these bands (except maybe for Wilco), and these are just the modern British bands.  We aren’t even putting Zeppelin, T-Rex, The Who, and Bowie on this.  There are too many no-brainers on this list.