10. Mac Fans

Macintosh computers are the popular kids of the computing industry. They are shiny, pretty, never get sick, and all generally look the same. For those with the money and with little computing ability they are great computers. The average Mac fan on the other hand is quite the opposite. They are the arm chair liberals, dirty stinking hippies, you know the type. The white kid with dreads, the hippie girl with a trust fund, your average coffee shop customer who loves to type in public over the latest latte flavor. These people are so annoying and only bought their computer because it fits into their pre-determined self image. When asked why they love to recite the TV commercials; “Oh they are so intuitive” or the ever popular “They never get viruses.” There are plenty of reasons to use a Macintosh; the proprietary hardware and software guarantees, better integration between the two, faster graphic computing ability, and simple one version OS to name a few. But that’s not why these annoying people buy them, they just love their pretty little shiny thing and love to tell people about their self righteous purchase.

9. Star Trek Fans

Star Trek is a great show, it has good plot lines based on intelligent problem solving, and it also has terrible fans. They are the bullies of the nerd world. They have their own conventions, their own languages, and they don’t like anybody else liking the thing that they love. In fact when the show Babylon 5 came out Star Trek fans were so incensed that someone would create another science fiction series that they began to attack the creator of the series. In one such event a virus was sent to him disguised as his a drawing from his toddler son. The virus destroyed his hard drive and left behind a Easter Egg claiming “Star Trek Rules”.  When Next Generation came out fans were also angered that someone other than Kirk was allowed to command the Enterprise. Star Trek fans live behind this ‘how dare you’ attitude that prevents anyone from doing anything that changes the status quo of the Star Trek universe. If they had it their way the only series ever would have been the original one, the only captain ever would have been Kirk, and nobody who doesn’t already speak Klingon would be allowed to watch the show. In fact most of the show would be in Klingon. Once again the fans of the show ruin the show. The only revenge us normals have on them is the new movie which was geniusly directed by JJ Abrams. I almost jumped out of my seat when watching Vulcan explode. No revenge could be sweater on the obsessive Star Trek fan then making the thing that they love a popular summer block buster. I mean who would have ever expected that Spock and Uhura would have a secret romance brewing. Yes the Star Trek fan is a terrible person but now that Star Trek is hip and Vulcan is destroyed perhaps their days will be numbered.

8. Heavy Metal Fans

Heavy metal fans are a lot like hardcore gamers. In fact if you drew a Venn diagram of hardcore gamers and heavy metal fans they would intersect quite a bit. Where some people drowned their sorrows in their parent’s basement by playing video games, some go out to heavy metal shows, dressed in the stereotypical all black, and mosh or headbang. When you think about moshing, its just a bunch of guys rubbing on each other, which, if you think about it, is kind of gay. Just like the hardcore gamer there are very few girls at these events, as most girls don’t like heavy metal. This further frustrates the heavy metal fan and leads to further violence amongst them. The heavy metal fan also likes to claim that they are railing against the life of the common man, the average, or the normal people. They do this by dressing exactly the same, wearing the same color, growing their hair long, and doing whatever they can to become indistinguishable from the next fan. This little contradiction never cross the heavy metal fan’s mind. Sadly, we here at OW love a number of heavy metal bands and have been to a number of heavy metal shows. Oddly enough we dressed in our typical jeans and a t-shirt where the most unique people at the show. One time I had to go straight from work which had me where a white polo. For those who don’t know white is the only color that can physically harm the heavy metal fan. Anyway I got a lot of bad looks at that show.

7. Pokemon Fans

Anyone worth their salt knows that these games were just one gigantic marketing campaign aimed at loosening the wallets of parents with young kids. We here at OW love Nintendo, but these ‘games’ are so stupid even we can’t support them. Each game is exactly the same and named after a different color, mineral, or gem. What’s worse is that the kids who loved Pokemon when they were young have now grown up and the brainwashing hasn’t worn off with time. They still swear up and down that these games are the greatest things ever and some even dare to refer to them as RPG’s. None of them have the ability to see that somewhere in Japan a marketing team came up with the most brilliant sales pitch ever. “Gotta catch em’ all.” And believe me they did. The caught all the games, all the action figures, all the playing cards, the t-shirts, the shoes, and just about anything else they could get their grubby, brainwashed hands on. None of them realize that each game is the exact same thing, that the cartoons, action figures, stuffed animals, and playing card game were all released at the same time. None of them realize that the simple catch phrases, bright colors, repetitive plot lines, and simple stories where only aimed at furthering their addiction. Nope they are all so stupid, so brainwashed, and so young they can’t see beyond the perfectly aimed marketing that they still, to this day think that pokemon was just a good game.

6. Dave Matthews Fans

Have you ever been to a Frat party? How do you feel about Birkenstocks? Backwards hats with curved brims? Greek letters? Chugging terrible beer? Keg stands? If the answer to each of these questions is resoundingly positive, then you may be  fan of the Dave Matthews Band. What is more interesting is that DMB is actually a talented band, with a  world renowned drummer, bassist, and saxophone player. Oh they also have this gigantic dude that plays violin. I don’t know if he is any good, and I don’t want to be the guy who tells him otherwise. In any case we here at OW generally like this band but boy do we hate the fans. They are either insanely obsessed or drunks looking for a party. Or sometimes both. We have even heard of DMB fans who will only listen to DMB because they claim nothing else is even worth it. Further research has even shown that there is an on going feud between DMB fans and Blink 182 fans. Why is completely beyond us. Going to a DMB show is like watching every jock, frat boy, and sorority slut get so hammered they forget they were even at the show. But don’t worry they have pictures on facebook to prove they were there.

5. Star Wars Fans

Some people worship God, others Allah, and others the dark lord himself. Star Wars fans, on the other hand, worship only George Lucas and accept everything he does as infallible perfection. The only movie that Lucas hasn’t ruined is his first original creation American Graffiti. And believe me if he could find a market for greaser action figures, the stores would already be packed. No Star Wars was ruined with twice for us at OW, first with the stupid remakes that added all sorts of crazy computer graphics in the background, and secondly with the prequels. We here at OW haven’t been able to watch anything Star Wars since viewing those tragedies. Yet the average Star Wars fan doesn’t see anything wrong with anything George Lucas does, in fact, they lap it up. ‘Hey look, he added Boba Fett into the scene even though he doesn’t need to be there and it really doesn’t make sense that he is there.’ Not only do Star Wars fans love these terrible creations, they will also buy anything with the Star Wars logo on it.  This includes; action figures, t-shirts, cups, costumes, shoes, curtains, underwear, soda cans, comic books, novels, pens, shoe laces, posters, fire places, pillows, dehumidifiers, carpets, coffee tables, no I’m not just naming things I see in my living room, and the list goes on and on and on and on. The worst thing about Star Wars fans is that they are the ones that ruined the thing they claim to love. Because they never held Lucas up to any type of scrutiny he has been able to roam free doing anything he wants ruining people’s childhoods and making money hand over fist while he does it. Star Wars fans are the mindless sycophants of the science fiction world and they have ruined the creation that they hold so dear.

4. Hulk Fans

In the world of comic books, there is no one more annoying fan than the Hulk fanboy.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with Hulk.  He’s a great character within his somewhat narrow boundaries, and when written properly he serves as a brilliant bridge into explorations of how the mind works and how we determine our basic humanity.  The problem is the fans who want to make Hulk into something he’s not.  No, he couldn’t really beat Superman, and that isn’t a bad thing.  He has so much more going for him than the Man of Steel as a character, though.   Unfortunately his full potential is never realized, as most writers use him as a big monster, going on mindless rampages until the real heroes take him down.   This is the reason most Hulk fans are about as dumb as he is.  The worst Hulk writing tries to bring him down to that level: just a big angry strong brick, with no complexity or torment, basically just a walking power set ready to smash anything in his way.   Hulk fans believe he can defeat anyone if he gets angry enough, I have even seen a thread on a forum where someone actually posted that the Hulk can return from being erased from reality by punching back into reality. I recall another Hulk fans even saying that the Hulk could defeat Galactus if he gets angry enough!  It is the biased stupidity of Hulk fans that I hate.  Its really the fact that both the Hulk and the Hulk’s fans think he’s unbeatable even though that is clearly not the case.  I don’t even mind delusional people as long as they aren’t trying to cram their delusions down my throat, and Hulk fans are notorious for this.

3. WoW Fans

I’m really not sure what I could say about World of Warcraft fans that South Park hasn’t already. They love this game as much as… say a crack head would love crack. They live, eat, and breath this game, and then inside the game they live eat and breath. In the real world the are generally disgusting slobs, far from the actors portraying them in the commercials. Are we to truly believe that playing World of Warcraft will make us as cool as William Shatner or that Shatner, with a very busy acting schedule would have time to play this game. When you hear about someone who started playing this game the inevitable reaction is “Oh, that sucks” as the realization sets in that you will never see that person again. When you hear of someone quitting the inevitable reactions is “Really! I’m glad to hear he’s getting his life back in order.” At a recent staff meeting, after the customary feats of strength and tale telling, we decided that  OW is going to open the first ever WoW rehabilitation center. All of the chairs will be extra big, the couches will have extra springs, and there will be no junk food, no TV, and certainly no internet access. We’ve decided that we can cure you in about six weeks at the nominal fee of $1000/week plus the cost of food. We may like to make fun of these people but were also happy to fix them…for a fee.

2. Phish Fans

What’s the difference between a  DMB fan and a Phish fan? Drug use. Your average DMB fan drinks a lot of beer, smokes some weed, and depending on how rich and white they are, do a little coke. Your average Phish fan is on everything from LSD to Heroin almost all the time. Where the DMB fan wears clean pressed button up shirts, the Phish fan might change cloths once or twice a year and generally walks around smelling like patchouli oil. Which, by the way, barely covers up the constant weed smell, since they smoke pot like cigarettes. Much like the DMB fan they are obsessed with all things Phish. OW has even heard stories about fans doing Heroin because lead singer Trey Anastasio was doing it. The difference being they were dirt poor, couldn’t afford it, and generally don’t have jobs. Much like the DMB fan, we here at OW enjoy most of Phish’s albums but, once again, there fans are terrible people who try to pretend it’s still the seventies. If it wasn’t for this band the tie dye industry would have disappeared years ago. Yet despite OW’s best efforts people still buy these terrible t-shirts.

1. Sega Fans

Sega fans can be summed up in one simple word: delusional. Let’s look at the facts; Sega has only had one successful system, it’s most famous character is an obvious copy of Mario, and has gone out of business at least once. They were so bad at making video games systems they had to quit. Despite this Sega fans still think that this is a good company. They still think that Sega is better than any other system. This obviously makes no sense, since, at the time there are no Sega systems. They failed. In order to save the company from complete destruction they had to start making games for their arch-enemy Nintendo. Sega has been reduced to a mere video game production company. Still the average Sega fans worship the failed company. This is equivalent to supporting the failed the candidate, following the loser of the war, or living in the burned out house. None of this makes sense. The average Sega fan however refuses to recognize that they worship a fallen hero. We here at OW have made it our mission to save these people from their own stupidity however, to date, we haven’t been able to recover any of them. This may because they are just too far gone, their minds warped, there bodies weak and frail, and their sanity completely lost. Still we refuse to give up. Eventually they will realize that even their own leader doesn’t own a Sega system and the halls of Sega fan HQ are hollowed. Eventually the light that is OW will bring these lost souls home where they can find whatever gaming system they so choose, as long as it’s still in business.

Hey guys just wanted to say i really enjoy your site and i love the Fact you put THOR my favorite hero as The # 1 most powerful Hero, you used Logic instead of who’s your favorite or whom has beaten whom, now you guys Really need to do a reasons why THOR can beat HULK, as we all know Hulk has beaten THOR on 2 separate occasions and THOR has never really beaten HULK, we also know that Logically that just shouldn’t be possible THORS powers are just too numerous, and his experience to vast, in one instance the reason HULK won was because he was able to land more blows, REALLY? a rage feuled monster landed more blows then a Thousands of years old well trained warrior god? gimme a break, i need you guys to do this so i can finally put to rest on facebook, that THOR is the most powerfull and no way HULK should ever be able to defeat him:P anyway thanks guys and take care.

David(Berserkr)

Thanks for the email, Dave. Although I don’t understand your seemingly random capitalization of words I do completely agree with what you said. Is the Hulk really that powerful?  Considering there are a lot of other heroes in his same strength class, and a lot who start out right near his peak strength without having to get ultra angry to build up to it, why is he written like he is the most powerful superhero in the Marvel Universe?  For some reason Marvel refuses to let the Hulk be defeated by any other superhero, even when he is completely out-classed.

The best example of this is when the Hulk fought the Sentry in WWH #5. For four issues we see everyone from Tony Stark to the President of the United States try to convince the Sentry to fight the Hulk and unleash his incredible power of “a million exploding suns” on his old friend. Then finally in issue #5 he decides its time to fight the Hulk, saying “Its time to play god”.

The Sentry unleashes his full power and the ensuing battle causes both characters to revert back to their human forms. Bruce Banner then defeats Robert Reynolds in combat. This was infuriating. For the power of a “million exploding suns” out of control I was expecting something more out of the Sentry. Back when the Sentry was fighting Genis they were worried that he would destroy the planet, but when he fights the Hulk, and unleashes his full powers he doesn’t even destroy Manhattan? What’s wrong with this picture? The Sentry never even used his super speed or half of his other powers during the fight. Eventually Earth’s heroes take the Hulk down with some random satellite that we never even knew they had access to until the end of the last issue. Why couldn’t the Sentry have been the one to defeat the Hulk? Is it so unthinkable that another hero brings the Hulk down? Why did it have to be a satellite?

Now I know you asked me about the Hulk vs Thor, but first I have to highlight how poor the writing has been when it comes to the Hulk. For some reason writers like Jeph Loeb and Greg Pak think the Hulk is the most powerful being in the Marvel Universe, with Loeb even going so far as to have the red Hulk knock out the Watcher! One reason the Hulk always wins when he fights other superheroes is that whenever another hero fights the Hulk in a Marvel comic they only use their super strength powers and ignore any other powers they have. That’s because no one wants the Hulk to lose. This is the reason the Hulk has defeated Thor in the past.

Assume for the moment that the Hulk is physically stronger than Thor (even though they both have displayed almost equal strength in the comics when it comes to feats). Even if you think the Hulk is stronger than Thor, Thor still has so many more powers than the Hulk that a fight between the two should be as one-sided as Desert Storm. He’s faster, he can fly, he can control weather, he can manipulate space and time, and he even has mastery over the earth now! Even if the Hulk is a little stronger than Thor, something which I don’t concede, why doesn’t Thor simply warp the Hulk into the middle of the sun? Or run circles around him and bash him with his hammer until he’s unconscious? The answer is simple: Marvel’s current writers are idiots.

10. The Thing

The Thing has always reminded me of those “no name” wrestlers you used to see on the WWF back when Wrestling was cool. His main function in the Marvel Universe is to show you how powerful some new villain is. His one super power is super strength, but unfortunately there are about a hundred other heroes and villains in the Marvel Universe who possess super strength, and many of them have other powers as well. Not only that but most of the other heroes who have super strength are much stronger than him. Even Colossus is supposed to be stronger than the Thing. Add to that the fact that he’s a rocky freak of nature and his favorite catch phrase is “It’s clobberin’ Time” and you have one of the worst superheroes of all time.

9. Aquaman

In a comic book universe where almost every major story arc takes place on dry land, its good to have a super hero who can’t survive outside of the water for an extended period of time. Enter Aquaman, the super hero whose main powers are the ability to breath underwater and talk to fish. Yeah, that should come in handy next time Darkseid decides to attack the Earth, right?

8. Jubilee

Jubilee possesses the ability to make fireworks. This would be a great super power if she was on a superhero team with Aqualad and Arm Fall Off Boy, but on a team with guy who can heal from pretty much atoms, a lady who can control weather and the like, Jubilee’s power to make sparklers is pretty lame. Note to super villains: Stand 10 feet back and you should be fine.

7. Sentry

I honestly wish Marvel would just kill this character off already. Although he’s supposed to be “more powerful than a million exploding suns” he hardly ever makes any meaningful impact in any of the major story arcs that take place in the Marvel Universe. In both the Civil War and World War Hulk we are forced to sit through pages and pages of the other super heroes trying to get him over all of his psychological issues and convince him to join the fray, only to see him make no difference once he finally does get involved (Civil War) or simply get his ass handed to him (World War Hulk).

6. Squirrel Girl

Do I really have to explain this choice? Squirrel Girl’s main super power is the ability to communicate with squirrels. Yeah, you read that right. She communicates with squirrels. You have to give Marvel some credit here. The best stories I would have been able to come up with for this “super” hero would be looking for nuts and dodging cars. But the writers at Marvel have actually managed to create some great stories for Squirrel Girl. Like the time her and her pet squirrel “Tippy-Toe” defeated Thanos all by themselves. And in another story line she even beat the criminal mastermind Doctor Doom. It takes some some great writing to pull off those stories. My only question is, why don’t the other Marvel heroes make fun of these guys afterwards? If I was the Silver Surfer and I was fighting Thanos, I would start taunting him about the time he got his ass handed to him by Squirrel Girl and her pet Tippy-Toe.

5. Ant Man

Ant Man. This guy’s super power is the ability to turn really small. I’ve never understood how he was able to get on the same super hero team as The Might Thor, Iron Man, and Captain America. It’s like Chad Pennington on the ‘85 Bears. This guy is a brilliant scientist, and yet, instead of using his brain to figure out a way to give himself some useful super power like super strength, or even the ability to turn invisible, he decided to figure out a way shrink himself instead. Now he can’t even drive a car or pick up a beer. Way to go, buddy.

4. Dazzler

You have to wonder if Marvel was starting to run out of ideas when they came up with Dazzler in the mid seventies and early eighties. She was a low point for the X-men and for Marvel in general. She had a bad costume, and lame powers. Not only that but she was basically a failed marketing attempt . For those of you who don’t know, Dazzler was was originally a project commissioned by Casablanca Records in the mid-late 1970s, in which Marvel would develop a singing super heroine, while Casablanca would produce a singer. Needless to say this project was a complete failure, and so is this super hero.

3. Blue Beetle

I have no idea why they keep bringing this super hero back. It seems like there’s a new Blue Beetle every few years, and yet he’s consistently one of the worst heroes in comics. His powers vary, but they usually consist of some combination of enhanced strength, flight and the ability to generate lightning. Basically he’s a lamer, and much weaker version of Thor from Marvel comics. That wouldn’t be so bad, but his costume is almost as lame as Robin’s. ‘Nuff said.

2. Hawkeye

Much like the equally lame Green Arrow from DC comics, Hawkeye’s “super power” is the fact that he is a master archer. Watch out, Magneto.  But at least the Green Arrow came first. Which makes Hawkeye a knock-off of a crappy character. Plus, he wears purple.

1. Robin

Robin is a superhero named after a migratory songbird that you can find in your backyard and feed bird seed to. Can someone tell me why they would name Batman’s sidekick after a songbird? What do bats have to do with robins anyway? Is there some connection that I’m missing here? Bats and robins can both fly, something neither Batman nor Robin can do by the way, but other than that the two have nothing in common. Robins aren’t even nocturnal. The funny thing is, Robin is one of the first superheroes ever created. (granted “super” is a stretch here). Its not like they were running out of cool bird names for superheroes at that point. I’m pretty sure Hawkman was still available. Or even the Blue Falcon. So we’re left with the simple question: Why Robin? Were they trying to “gay up” batman? Was he too scary for little kids? Was the creator of the dynamic duo some sort of closet bird watcher? We may never know the answer.

Like many other Thor fans I was among those who missed Thor’s presence in Civil War and World War Hulk. I am also one of those who still believe it should have been Thor, not Tony Stark’s satellite, that stopped the Hulk in WWH. Marvel is aware of the large segment of their fanbase who feels this way, and they finally answered all of us in Hulk #5 with a giant, red ‘Up Yours!’ Red Hulk even acknowledged it when he dragged Thor into space and mentioned Civil War and WWH. (Note to Marvel – your characters demonstrating self-awareness that they are just comic characters isn’t cute or ironic; it’s just dumb. Hulk inexplicably leaving Thor alive on the moon also screams “this is a comic book!”).

And by Odin’s beard – why should gravity have any impact on someone’s ability to wield Mjolnir? Gravity has nothing to do with being able to lift Mjolnir and then smite Thor with it.  Its yet another giant “Up Yours,” this one aimed at 40 years of Thor continuity. How in the name of sanity is Marvel going to reconcile this?!?! All of a sudden Thor is useless in space battles – just grab his hammer and pound him with it. I guess I missed the footnote on Mjolnir’s inscription: “This warranty void in zero gravity environments.” How did Odin overlook that little issue when he placed his enchantment on it? How can I believe that Thor can fight off the Skrulls? Oh, and that ending there’s not one of those characters that would last two seconds against Thor. Yet somehow its all going to conclude next issue with this gang of street level heroes taking down the Red Hulk? Marvel’s preview page told us that this issue featured the battle we’ve all been waiting for. Sorry, I don’t know of anyone who was waiting for this load of crap.

I’d move on from Thor, but there really isn’t much else to talk about. Once again, this issue is decompressed to the point where it takes roughly three or four minutes to read. When Thor and Red Hulk aren’t brawling, Loeb spends a few panels teasing the mystery of Rulk’s identity once again. It’s not even a mystery anymore so much as a case of the characters saying, “I know and I’m not telling!” Fortunately, I stopped caring months ago whether Red Hulk is General Ross or Ares or Onslaught or whoever the pool of candidates includes these days.

I hate that this series is my only outlet for Hulk stories, and I hate that so many great Marvel characters are being dumped upon for no apparent or meaningful reason. Most of all, I hate the fact that this series has sold so many freaking copies. The impressive sales prove that there’s an audience for a story like this, but I’m not part of it. So if you’re in the shop this week, staring at this issue and wondering if you should add it to your stack, think twice.

Our Rating:

The worst part about all of this is that the entire series builds up this battle between the Sentry and the Hulk, leading us to believe it will be the deciding factor of the conflict. You knew it would come down to a fight between the Sentry and the Hulk. You had to read through pages of Iron Man and Reed Richards, various government lackeys and even the president of the United States try to convince the Sentry to intervene. Yet in the end, when he finally did take a stand and fight the Hulk in the “climatic” battle, it was a side note, as nothing was decided in the fight, and Tony Stark (Iron Man) simply used a satellite to take down the Hulk (after the Sentry was KO’ed).

This also happens in the much better Civil War storyline. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVED Civil War. I think that its one of the best comic book storyline lines EVER. That being said, the Sentry didn’t fit into that story. Much like during World War Hulk, throughout the Civil War story line, we hear superheroes on both sides saying that the Sentry is the one figure who can turn the tide of the conflict. Yet, once he finally enters the conflict (after pages and pages of Iron Man talking him into it, in multiple comic books), his actual impact is negligible. In the end, the side that the Sentry was on was losing the physical battle against a team whose heavy hitters were – I kid you not – Captain America, Spiderman and Hercules. Captain America eventually surrendered, not because his team was physically beaten, but because he saw the damage that the conflict had caused. So for all the Sentry’s issues with joining the conflict, afraid of using all of his power and hurting his friends, he wasn’t able to do anything to change the course of the battle.

Marvel needs to make up its mind. Is the Sentry really the most powerful character in the Marvel Universe (outside of ridiculous beings like Galactus and the Phoenix)? Either he is or he isn’t. Does he really have the power of a million exploding suns, or this that merely hyperbole? Until these questions are cleared up definitively by a writer who actually follows continuity, and understands the power structure of the Marvel Universe, then the Sentry will continue to be contradictory and will add nothing but confusion to future Marvel comics.

This series is by Jeph Loeb (you know, the guy who killed off Captain America) so I fully expect to see Thor get his ass handed to him when these two square off. There are two things I expect from any comic book series written by Loeb. One is that he will ignore continuity to advance his story-lines, and two that he’ll kill off characters way too early for cheap shock value that has no real importance to to the storyline.

Just look at the beginning of this series already. The Red Hulk knocked out the Watcher. Has this guy ever read a Marvel comic before? Does he know who the Watcher is? Does he know what the Watcher can do? He knocked out the Watcher before issue #5 of this series. Who is Red Hulk going to take down by issue #7? Galactus? The Living Tribunal? This is utterly stupid.

I think we all know where Old-Wizard stands on the Thor vs Hulk debate. The old Thor is more powerful than the Hulk, and the new Thor (recreated by JMS, who unlike Loeb is a fantastic writer) should be able to easily handle the Hulk, green or red. This new Thor has taken down the Asgardian Destroyer. If he gets beaten by the Hulk it will be a long time before I pick up a Marvel comic again.

How many more uber powerful characters is the Hulk (or a version of him) going to beat? Between Pak and Loeb the Hulk has taken out Black Bolt, Doctor Strange, Hercules, She Hulk, Iron Man in his Hulk Buster armour, The Sentry, and worst of all, I can’t even bring myself to type this…The WATCHER! This is crossing the line between being a somewhat serious comic book to a complete joke. Do Pak and Loeb have some sort of hard on for the Hulk?

This could have been a great series, and maybe it will still turn out to be decent, if we get some sort of explanation of how the red Hulk knocked out the Watcher. You may remember that Thor was conveniently missing in action for the events of World War Hulk, had he been there, I have no doubt the Hulk would have beat him and the Sentry all at once. But now that Pak isn’t writing this series, this is the fight I’ve been waiting to see. The new Thor versus the Hulk. I just wish JMS would be the one to write it.

Regardless, I have a feeling Thor is going to get defeated and then saved by the Green Hulk. This would be beyond stupid. It would render all of JMS’s work on Thor meaningless. If that happened, I would love to see JMS write a comic book where the Thing clobbered the Hulk. That would be a fitting response. Time will tell what will happen in Hulk #5, but you can bet Old-Wizard will weigh in on it.

We could argue all day long about who has better powers, Thor or the Silver Surfer. One could bring up the fact that Thor has gone toe to toe with a Celestial, or how the Silver Surfer has defeated Primordial gods. But we would be doing that all day long. Truth be told, the two heroes are pretty much at the same power level. But when we actually read the comics where these two heavy weights have actually fought each other, we see a different story. Thor has consistently bested the Surfer when the two have fought.

Call it PIS (Plot Induced Stupidity) if you want to, but Thor has defeated the Silver Surfer before on not just one, but several occasions. If you haven’t already, take a look at Silver Surfer #4, where Loki (Thor’s evil half brother) attempts to use the Silver Surfer to defeat Thor. He tricks the Surfer into attacking the god of thunder. During the fight, Loki even augments the Silver Surfer’s powers with his own, after which the Surfer says that he has never felt that powerful before. He also claims that Thor’s hammer is far more powerful than his own power cosmic. To quote the Silver Surfer himself, “I have seen his mallet’s magic, it is truly mightier than my cosmic force!” Also keep in mind that this comic was authored by none other than Stan Lee himself. It’s hard to find a higher authority about the Marvel Universe than that.

On another occasion (Warlock and Infinity Watch #23) Thor defeated the Silver Surfer AND Adam Warlock. This occurred AFTER Thor had already beaten Beta Ray Bill and the Silver Surfer. After Bill was knocked unconscious, the Silver Surfer stood alone and was defeated, until the arrival of Adam Warlock. The two teamed up, and together they also lost and were forced to retreat.

The evidence from the comic books themselves is clear. Every time they have faced off, Thor has defeated the Silver Surfer. Even when the Surfer’s powers were augmented, or when he had help from various allies, Thor has won. This by itself is strong evidence that Thor is more powerful than the Silver Surfer, despite what Wizard magazine says. Not only that, but Thor has even defeated a hungry Galactus (The Silver Surfer’s on again, off again master, and the one who bestowed the power cosmic to the Silver Surfer) all by himself, forcing the big G to retreat. Again, I stress that Galactus was hungry (as anyone reading this probably knows, he is far weaker the longer he has gone without devouring a planet) but even still, you’re never going to see Captain America or Spiderman defeat a hungry Galactus.

Some of you may remember our “Top 10 Most Powerful Superheroes” list that we released a while back, where we made the controversial claim that Thor was the most powerful superhero of all time (Superman coming in at number three on that list). Months later we are still receiving emails either agreeing with us, or flaming us for that decision. Many fans cite Superman’s speed as the deciding factor in any fight between the two behemoths. Other emails claim that Thor’s magical powers would be enough to stop the man of steel in his tracks. So, the natural question is, do we still stand by our claim that Thor is more powerful than Superman? The answer is still “yes.” In this article we’ll break down the seven most common arguments and give you our take on them.

1. Super Strength

The claim has often been made that Superman is stronger than Thor. Many times on versus forums threads this claim is accepted as a given by both sides of the debate. We don’t concede that the Man of Steel is physically stronger than the god of thunder though. Thor has performed feats such as lifting the World Serpent, and once hurled the Odinsword, an enormous mystical blade, through a Celestial!  Thor has also single-handedly matched the strength of the Hulk on numerous occasions (the Marvel Universe’s strongest character). Not only that but Thor is capable of entering into a state known as the “Warrior’s Madness”, which will temporarily increase his strength tenfold. Some of these feats have no true equivalent in the DC universe. We think at the very least, the two character’s physical strength is equal.

2 . Super Speed

This is Superman’s one true advantage in this fight. Superman is fast. We’re talking warp speed fast. We’re talking once around the entire planet and back before you can blink fast. You could easily make the argument that Thor would be lucky if he even saw Superman before he got pounded. But is Thor as slow as everyone seems to think? Unknown to many DC fanboys Thor can throw his hammer at the speed of light (See Thor#140, Thor#274). He can also swing it at TWICE the speed of light (Journey Into Mystery#102). In Thor -#393- it’s established that the speed of Thor’s hammer TRANSCENDS both TIME & SPACE. In addition Thor can appear anywhere across the Universe or other dimensions in just seconds (see- FF#339, and Thor#166). And, most importantly, Thor could, visually, detect objects that move at fantastic speeds (this happened when Thor was the target of artillery fire- see Invaders#33- and Avengers-#281- when he saw the speedy Hermes. And yes, I do need a life). Now if we accept that Superman can move at 99% of the speed of light, and that Thor can swing his hammer at twice the speed of light, it stands to reason that big blue is in some trouble.  It’s true that Thor doesn’t use his super speed abilities often, but how many times have you seen Superman not use his super speed when he should have?

3. Stanima

Who can take more punishment, Thor or Superman? This is a difficult question. Thor has withstood a blast from Asgardian Destroyer. Superman has withstood a direct hit from a nuclear bomb. Thor has taken everything the Hulk could dish out. Thor also once took a glancing hit by a Doomsday Bomb that was capable of destroying an entire planet, and soon after that explosion he fell from space (leaving a crater miles wide) to a planet called Pangoria-see Thor#387. Thor has also taken everything that Gladiator (an arguably more powerful version of Superman) could dish out.  Both characters have come back from the dead a couple of times. In my mind this one is a draw. Both characters have approximately the same stanima. The difference is Superman has weaknesses (i.e. Kryptonite, Magic, and the fact he is powerless without yellow sunlight) whereas Thor pretty much doesn’t.

4. Magic

Even the most diehard Superman fan would concede that Thor’s magical abilities would be an advantage for Thor. First, I would like to note that just because an opponent can wield magic, it in no way guarantees a win over the last son of Krypton. Superman has defeated countless magic users in the past, and so I have no illusions that just because Thor has magic powers and a magic hammer that he would automatically own Superman. That being said magic is just as lethal against Supes as kryptonite. Superman has no defense against it, and it can affect him greatly. Superman getting pounded by Mjolnir is the same as you and me getting pounded by a normal hammer. And consider the guy who’s swinging it. It’s Thor. The god of thunder. Not only that, but Thor’s lightning is magical too. Remember that just a single lightning bolt is equivalent to 15,000,000 volts of electricity and could travel over 224,000 miles an hour. The clear advantage here goes to Thor.

5. Super Powers

Before Thor inherited the Odinforce, the super powers of these two heroes were a little more even. Now there is absolutely no contest. Thor has a clear edge over Superman here. His magical hammer gives Thor the ability to control the weather, the ability to fly; energy projection and absorption; dimensional apertures; matter manipulation, as well as the most powerful of his offensive powers: the God Blast, and the Anti-Force. Superman is no push over in this department either, with the already mentioned super strength, super speed, as well as heat vision, x-ray vision, enhanced senses, and the ability to blow hurricane force winds from his mouth. But what is that compared to being able to summon an actual hurricane? Not only that but with the Odinforce Thor was then capable of feats such as reconstructing the Earth’s Moon, willing the Asgardian monster Mangog into nothingness, and by focusing his entire power into a hammer throw that even decapitated a Desak-occupied Asgardian Destroyer. Having accepted his heritage as the son of the earth goddess Gaea, he has recently been shown to be capable of opening chasms in the earth itself, and who knows what other abilities he’ll be displaying now that he’s done that.

6. Superman beat Thor in the Avengers / DC Crossover

I don’t want to spend much time on this one. Most fans of comics know how much weight we should give to crossovers.  Besides, I personally have no doubt that Superman would beat Galactus in a crossover. He’s DC’s flagship character after all. Enough said on that one.

7. Thor has Thousands of Years of Combat Experience

This is a common argument used by Thor fans to claim that Thor would take down Superman. It seems fairly obvious. If I somehow gained super powers and a Viking Warrior somehow gained the exact same or nearly equivalent powers, most people would put their money on the Viking if we fought each other. Now imagine the Viking warrior was thousands of years older than me, and had been using his powers for all those thousands of years to battle trolls, giants, demons, robots, aliens, and gods, and I have only been using my powers for 20-30 years. It seems clear to me that the Viking Warrior god has a clear cut advantage over me in a fight. Again advantage Thor.

It seems obvious to me that Thor has a clear advantage over Superman in a fight. I don’t think that Thor is so powerful that there is no way that Superman could ever defeat him. But I believe that the majority of the time Thor would beat Superman in a one on one fight, assuming its not a fight to the death. If it is a fight to the death, then I think Thor would almost invariably win. So there you have it, the definitive answer to one of the most talked about and controversial debates in comic book nerdom. Brought to you by your pals at Old-Wizard.com.

Discuss Thor vs Superman in our forums.

So in order to finish this debate once and for all we here at OW have finally finished THE list of the most powerful superheros. This is it folks. As every faithful reader knows that we here at OW are always right, we have proved it in the past. There can no longer be any debate. No more argument required. This list has taken us years to complete, and has threatened to destroy all that is OW. While making this list there was lots arguing, name calling, some shouting, a little bit of snuggling, more shouting, lots of your momma’s, but we finally came up with the definitive list of the most powerful superheroes of all time. We can’t be more clear on that last point, this is it. None of what you are about to read is opinion, it is fact. Next time one of your nerd buddies starts to argue you need only refer to this list, kindly pat him the head a give him one of the problems listed above to argue about. Here’s how we did it.   First we excluded all super villains, this is heroes only, next we eliminated all exorbitantly overpowered cosmic beings (Phoenix, Odin, or the Highfather). And finally we ignored all heroes that would be considered ‘normal’ but have similar powers as those listed below. Then we plugged in all the facts and figures into the OW super computer and waited. Exactly 137 days later the answer was spit out. It then took us one year to figure out what that answer meant. Finally its over these are the most powerful superheroes. Fact.

10. The Green Lantern (Hal Jordan)

Despite coming in at number 10, The Green Lantern (Hal Jordan) is one tough hombre. As a member of the Green Lantern Corps, he wields a power ring that can generate a variety of effects and energy constructs, sustained purely by the ring wearer’s strength of will. The greater the user’s willpower, the more effective the ring. The limits of the power ring’s abilities are never defined, but it has been referred to as “the most powerful weapon in the universe” on more than one occasion. It’s precious. Over the years, the ring has been shown capable of accomplishing almost anything within the imagination of the ring bearer. Often the rings are used to form solid-light constructs, the power and size of which are limited only by the ring-bearer’s willpower. And, if that wasn’t powerful enough, DC recently (in 2006) retconned the ring’s longtime lack of effect on yellow objects, stating that the ring-bearer need only feel fear and overcome it in order to affect yellow objects. With his protective bubbles and mean green energy bursts, the Green Lantern has fought with, and at varying times against, such heavyweights as Superman and Captain Marvel. But he’s still no match for number 9 on our list…

9. Professor X

So how does someone whose Kryptonite is stairs make it onto the list of the ten most powerful superheroes of all time? Well, despite being wheelchair-bound, Professor Charles Xavier is one of the most powerful heroes in comic-dom. Born a mutant, Professor X is the world’s most powerful telepath. He is able to read or project his thoughts into minds within a radius of hundreds of miles. He can psionically manipulate the minds of others, warp perceptions to make himself seem invisible or project illusions, cause loss of particular memories, and induce pain or temporary mental and physical paralysis. Within close range, he can manipulate almost any number of minds for such simple feats. Taking it a step further, against one opponent he take full possession of their mind, although he must strictly be within that being’s physical presence. He can even project powerful mental bolts of psionic energy, enabling him to stun the mind of another being into unconsciousness and completely shut down minds and bodies, or cause death. But, while Professor X may possess the most powerful melon on Earth (and one of the most powerful in the galaxy), his delicate body would prove to be too much a liability against the other eight powerhouses on this list.

8. Black Bolt

Our seventh most powerful superhero of all time is Black Bolt, the king of the offshoot of humanity known as the inhumans. Black Bolt has often been described as one of the most powerful superheroes in the Marvel universe by other heroes, and for good reason. Through electron gathering and manipulation, Black Bolt can increase any aspect of his physical nature to superhuman levels, including his strength, speed, stamina and durability. In times of great need, he can channel this power into a single devastating punch called “The Master Blow”. He can also harness the electrons for matter transformation; the controlled projection of energy as concussive blasts or quasi-solid particle/electron fiends, broadcasting jamming frequencies, and flight. But Black Bolt’s most salient offensive weapon is his cacophonous voice, as a hypersonic shout that can level an entire city, and his merest whisper has been shown capable of stunning the Hulk. It’s even been suggested that his voice is capable of destroying an entire planet.

7. The Sentry

Empowered by an enigmatic professor’s secret formula, The Sentry absorbs solar radiation for strength and moves his molecules an instant ahead of the normal timeline. His superpowers include super strength, speed, stamina, and senses, along with the power to create energy fields and of course the power of unaided flight. He also possesses a number of mental powers, having displayed the ability to implant his memories into another person’s mind. To top all that off, he emits a form of radiation that calms down the Hulk, severely limiting the Jade giant’s rage-fueled powers. It’s been mentioned a number of times that he possesses the power of “a million exploding suns” and that he is “the most powerful human in the galaxy”. Unfortunately, his primary weakness appears to be his mental instability, as he is often referred to as an agoraphobic schizophrenic, and he is very susceptible to mental manipulation and inculcation.

The newest issue of JLA kicks of the “Tangent” story line. We start with a couple of hoodlums burglarizing a storage unit for who knows what. While digging through the unsuspecting owner’s boxes (who we later find out is Guy Gardner) they stumble upon a weird looking Chinese lantern that is glowing green. It should be noted that this is after they find Guy’s box of porn mags, really I’m serious. So, back to the comic. One of the guys is hit in the chest with a green light and now standing in his place is Atom. This isn’t the Atom we know but a different one from one of the other 52 universes.

This new Atom is not a very friendly fellow. Maybe they were out of cheesy bread when he went to Red Lobster, who knows. A bit of a skirmish breaks out between him and some of the JLA and mayhem ensues. The new Atom makes a mistake when he breaks the Red Arrow’s quiver. The result is him being pummeled and the Red Arrow coming out the victor. Subsequently, Atom returns to his universe in a green flash and we are left with the thief from earlier.

The issue ends with a mysterious unseen person giving a narrative while police mop up the mess. The next page cuts to a shot of said narrator and it’s the Flash. I’m not talking about Wally West or Barry Allen, though. Its a hot chick Flash showing more flesh than most of us get to see by even the third date. Any guesses on where she is from? Thats right, kids….another universe. It seems to be a recurring theme here.

So, our story ends….or maybe not. When you flip to the next page we get a little Red Arrow holiday story. Its just a 7 page story about forgiveness. Its a nice tale but I would have rather seen these pages dedicated to the main story line.

This new JLA arc is fitting in with DC’s Countdown. While not tying in with the main story it does stay in line with the general “cluster-fuck of universes criss-crossing each other” theme. This really looks to be a great new JLA adventure and will keep the title shining like it has since issue 1. We’re now setup for the “Tangent” story line to get rolling with next issue’s “Tangent: Superman’s Reign.” I wonder who its going to be about….

Rating: