» Top Lists

• Top 10 Ways to Tell If You’re Good at Video Games

  

  Written by Zeromage 113 Comments
  Last Updated:: May 18, 2009

  We here at OW get a lot of flack for our beliefs. Further research, however, has shown that we are in fact right. Everything we say is actually the gospel truth! I know, we were just as shocked as you are. That being said, we are taking applications for worshipers. Unlike most religions we don’t want everyone, just your rich, cool, and popular people.  There is a minimum yearly salary requirement and a rather extensive interview process. Also we have put together a list that allows a person to decide if they are good at gaming. These days games are stupid and easy and everyone thinks they are good at games for no particular reason. Here is a way to tell if you’re actually good at video games. And if you remember from the beginning of this list everything we say is the truth. So we win again. Also at a recent staff meeting we have all decided we are willing to sell out completely. If any TV executives, advertising agents, or magazine editor are reading this and want to offer us money we’re in.

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• Top 10 Ways to Tell if a Game is “Hardcore”

  

  Written by Zeromage 218 Comments
  Last Updated:: April 28, 2009

  If we here at OW know anything, which we don’t, then it’s definitely hardcore games and gamers. These are the people who take what is merely a pass time and make it a serious way of life. Much like the professional athlete, the hardcore gamer takes the gaming experience to a whole new and smelly level. But this list isn’t about them, no we’ve done that before, we’ve done the comprehensive study of what your average hardcore gamer looks like already.  This time we try to get into there heads, through the layers of greasy unwashed hair, past the dandruff ridden scalp, under the extra layers of fat, and beneath the thick skull (its thick from supporting all the grease, fat, and dry skin). To further our efforts in understanding these behemoths we began systematic studies of the games which hardcore gamers identify as “hardcore” and our findings are shocking to say the least. We’ve organized some of our data into a list which ranks the importance of a particular attribute of a particular game in the order in which the hardcore gamer holds the importance of said attribute when purchasing a new game with their parent’s money. That is to say we made a top ten list.

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• Top 30 Bad Guys From Super Mario Brothers

  

  Written by Zeromage 67 Comments
  Last Updated:: April 14, 2009

  No game in history has left a cadre of memorable bad guys like the Mario Bros games have. Others have tried, but nobody else has taken a the dreams of an acid riddled hippie and turned them into lush landscapes full of monsters, floating blocks, pits to infinity, and poor plumbing like Nintendo has. Mario has been the flagship of this company since the early eighties, and rightfully so. In this list we name the top 30 bad guys from the Mario brother series.

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• Top 10 Movies of All Time

  

  Written by destructomaximo 136 Comments
  Last Updated:: March 30, 2009

  To be honest, I’m most comfortable when I’m writing about old NES titles and beer. Although I am a musician and I’ve studied music from classical to Jazz to rock to blues, the differing opinions on the matter make it tough to publish my opinions on it, you brats are brutal. Worst of all is writing about movies. I watch a LOT of movies…crap movies. I love 70’s kung-fu and 80’s slasher flics. I am not a film critic, I never studied the ins and outs of cinematography, and I sure as hell don’t consider my self an expert. You can understand my anxiety when Zero asked me if I’d pen a top 10 movies. The conversation went something like this (the following is slightly dramatized for effect): “WTF? Top ten movies based on what?” “Whatever you want.” “Whatever I want? That’s like trolling for angry nerds” “Whatever, man. You ARE an angry nerd” “So I’m starting an argument, this is an argument list.” “Is there any other kind of list?” “Right on…”

  So here you have it. DestructoMaximo’s top 10 movies of all time. Ever. Without question.

  When you’re finished playing video games you could always play
  free online poker with your friends at www.partypoker.com. If you’re lucky you could earn enough cash for a PS3.

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• Top 10 SNES Games

  

  Written by Zeromage 68 Comments
  Last Updated:: March 27, 2009

  The SNES is the greatest console system ever created. Granted it had limitations on the graphics and the size of the games, but this only forced the designers to create stories that were truly captivating, and games that were just plain fun.  They had to push the limits of what they had. These days games are all about how real the graphics look, how much blood you can splatter, or all the other things that don’t matter. While we at OW agree that comparing these games is like comparing a Picaso to a cave painting, we ask which one was more impressive? Picasso had any color paint he wanted, stretched canvases, and didn’t have to fight for his food. The caveman had coals, berries, and had to avoid being eaten. The SNES is old, but it had some truly great games that have stood the test of time. They are continually hailed as the some of the greatest games ever made and few modern games, even with their pretty colors and 3D environments, can hold a candle to these classic titles. So here’s what we think are the best.

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• Top 10 Boss Fights

  

  Written by Zeromage 59 Comments
  Last Updated:: March 20, 2009

  What makes a good boss fight? Is it the difficulty?  The creative way that you have to oust the villain?  Or perhaps you enjoy an easy boss because it makes you feel good and accomplished. If that’s the case you should re-consider your life, maybe you need to set more important goals and maybe you should get out of your parent’s basement. We here at O-W are well aware that the economy isn’t going so well but there are still jobs available, and you should find them. Once you get some money you can buy more difficult games and beat them in your free time, essentially doubling that feeling of accomplishment. Now that’s a plan. In any case, here’s what O-W thinks are the top ten boss fights. We purposely didn’t qualify it in any other way, which will most likely piss off many people, but hey, that’s what gets us up in the morning. These are the best boss fights.

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• Top 10 Worst Movies Based on Video Games

  

  Written by Zeromage 326 Comments
  Last Updated:: March 3, 2009

  Movies are great, and so are video games. So it only makes sense that if you combine them together  the result will be greater, right? Well no, they usually suck and of all the video game movies it was difficult for us to narrow the list down to the absolute worst. All of these movies are terrible and the ones I actually saw in the theaters made me loathe the time and money spent with my feet glued to the sticky floor. I’ve always known that Hollywood doesn’t have enough intelligent people to write at least one original script, so they beg, borrow, and steal from everywhere possible. Unfortunately the brain trust over on the west coast often fails us and we get stuck footing the bill. This little list is OW’s revenge.  We hated these movies and hope you did as well.

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• Top 10 Most Underrated Bands

  

  Written by destructomaximo 89 Comments
  Last Updated:: February 18, 2009

  There are so many great bands, past and present, who never quite get the recognition they deserve. Some attain moderate success in the underground or blogosphere, but just can’t crack the mainstream. Thanks to the digital music revolution, I’m sure you have all heard of at least a few of these bands. A lot of the music here is familiar, but because of a band’s “scene” or preconceived notions they have been massively neglected by the populous. I love music, and could write about crap I like/write every day, but reading about unknown bands (or bands whose names conjure grimaces) can be painful. It hurts to learn. I am prepared to be berated by negative comments, but I ask this: After you anonymously slam this list, PLEASE include your own top 10 underrated bands list so I (we) can all see what we are missing. Consider this list the first comment, I guess.

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• Top 10 Reasons Old-Wizard Sucks

  

  Written by destructomaximo 71 Comments
  Last Updated:: February 9, 2009

  ‘Sup A-Holes? Every day, through several channels, we are told how much you hate our little corner of the interbutts. We are reminded daily that we are the electronic dingleberry of the world wide web. We are the digital pimple on the pixilated face of the gaming culture. I have to say, we really don’t mind the rampant farting in our general directions; in fact, we bask in its stank. However, just to let you Klingons know we hear you, here are the top 10 reasons OW sucks the big one.

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• Top 10 Most Overrated Video Game Franchises

  

  Written by Zeromage 404 Comments
  Last Updated:: February 8, 2009

  If there are two ways to get people riled up on the internet, one is to question their religious or political beliefs, and the other way is to make fun of their favorite video games. You see that your favorite game franchise of all time is listed on Old-Wizard’s most overrated video game franchises? Surely it can’t be! You know us though, we have a knack for knocking down the typical things people enjoy. In this list, we tried to think of video game franchises that just plain piss us off because everyone else loves them and we think that they’re total ass. Going into our thinking process when considering these overrated video game franchises were their lack of creativity and a lack of entertainment that they possessed, as well as the fading quality of each subsequent game in the series. We don’t think that these next ten video game franchises are necessarily bad, but we also don’t think that they deserve the critical acclaim that they’ve received either. <

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