10. You live in the city for the sake of living in the city

What does the dumbass who thinks they’re smart do?  They usually live in the city so they can be around a load of people who are “different”.  They think they gain experience by walking by a clown who just bought some shitty ass looking faded jeans from Urban Outfitters.  These city freaks spend more time shopping for bad looking clothes than doing anything to improve themselves.  When they’re not shopping for ugly clothes, they are out and about in the city walking by people just like them who are this into themselves.  Let OW clue you in on something…because you have an incessant need to appear different among other waffles with the same compulsive need doesn’t make you smart, it makes you a narcissistic animal.

9. You call yourself an artist or a musician…but first hesitate for 3 seconds before you say it.

These are fun people.  You ask them what they do and they can’t tell you about their real source of income, nor can they come out clean and say “I play Music”, or “I make Art”.  They slink into a pretentiously modest disposition and say they’re an artist or musician quietly enough to the point where you don’t even hear what they’re fucking saying, so you have to ask them again.  If you have to ask them again, don’t talk to them ever again.  These people are so into themselves that they have to appear mysterious about their trade to make sure their banal enigma catches your interest.  If someone is trying to catch  your interest, you can be sure they’re not interesting.

8. You get your news from msn.com

First off, you make a point to look at news every day without actually reading any of the articles.  You just check the headlines to get a general idea of what’s going on.  This gives you a sense of being in the know which you have to have when trying to appear smart when you’re not.  MSN.com dominates in this category.  They love to give soft news lacking in substance and high on making the themes as weak as possible to make themselves understood by everyone.   Pictures abound, categories to the side abound about ways to tell if you’re in love or not.  Everything to take you away from really thinking abounds on this website but gives you a sense that you actually are thinking.  One day you will just admit that you’re an intellectual rodent who’s just as lazy as you are thick.

7. You like indie music

Yes! Indie music again.  How many times can OW bash this shitty genre of music?  I don’t even know what the count is but it will probably be listed 100 times by the end of the year.  You know how the argument goes.  You listen to shit music because no one else knows about it.  It sounds like shit, you don’t know it sounds like shit because you’re an identity whore.  You tell everyone you know about this shit band and try to get them to like the shit, and if they’re as dumb as you, they will probably like it too, and then you and a bunch of your dumb friends can listen to this dumb band and say afterwards how good this bad music was, and then you can go to bed never knowing that it’s people like you who’s lowered the IQ of the subjective universe down a good 20 points.

6. You’re always in a state of despair

First off, you always refer to your current state of being as an “existential crisis”.  Run from these people as far as you can.  They love their despair.  It brings them attention from people who they want to feel sorry for them so badly.  These people have no inner strength, no sense of transcendence, just a sense that if they don’t garner attention from the most meekest of sources, they will lose all their will to live.  Of course they don’t want you to know that though.  They want you to know that the most trivial shit bothers them but will convey that it’s not trivial to them.  To be sure, they come from solid homes and lots of money.  They just have nothing to do, except fool you into thinking they’re smart and important by appearing troubled.

5. You read Kafka’s  “Metamorphosis” and tell everyone about it after

Everyone loves saying “Kafka”.  Everyone loves how mysterious he looked smoking that douche baggy small ass cigarette.  He’s a good author though, but you’re probably a bad reader.  Just to make sure that you were a bad reader though, there is conspicuous evidence in the fact that you tell everyone that you read “Metamorphosis” and tell everyone how amazing it was.  You can’t explain one snippet of the fucking book.  When you explain it to someone, you repeat the title of the book over and over with a look in your eye as if it’s the most serious shit in the world.  This means of conveyance by the look of the eye is an emotional stretch, not an intelligent gesture.  You skimmed the book, read a couple passages you forgot and then went to tell your friends about it.  Basically, you pretended to read the book just so you could tell your friends you read it.

4. You’re consciously soft spoken

Speak up dipshit!  No one can hear you.  You know why no one can hear you?  Because your love for identity masturbation makes you need everyone to ask you again to speak up.  By asking you again, then you gain an upper hand in the conversation because someone is going out of their way to try to get to know what the fuck you’re saying.  They really want to know about you in your mind, but the person asking the question is just probably just curious about something.  To this soft spoken identity crockle though everything has to do with being interested in them.  Anything independent of the personality does not exist for them.  All that matters is that they appear intelligent by speaking softly as if what they have to convey is some secret.  There’s only one secret here, you haven’t admitted to yourself that you’re grotesquely average.

3. You bitch about the United States

Break out your Noam Chomsky books you have shelved on your bookcase to show the opposite sex your interest in things you’re not really interested in!  Look in scorn whenever someone mentions “The United States”.  This one term has become the universal signifier to what is in need of being opposed to.  Do you know why?  You have no fucking clue!  Platitudes about “unjust wars” and the “evils of capitalism” come out of these idiots’ mouths with the most vague meanings imaginable.  Press them a little further and they will crumble.  They never spent time deconstructing themselves, so how the fuck do they think they can deconstruct a modern state?  They just give themselves the luxury of doing this because they’ve been given everything their whole lives, by the same modern state that they perennially bitch about.

2. Half of your clothes are from thrift stores

The consciously awkward looking stork always wears ugly looking clothes from thrift stores to appear intelligent, but as was stated before, ones sense of looking shitty because it looks different doesn’t make you smart, it just makes you an asshole.  All those old DARE shirts you wear and the threadbare jeans that you picked up from those smelly rat holes give you a sense of self because you’re too lazy to really explore yourself.  This isn’t intelligence, it’s laziness.  Dressing like shit to appear intelligent makes you look like an idiot.  Of course you don’t look like an idiot to other people who are thrift store junkies, but who cares about them?  Oh yeah, you do.  You care about looking like shit to each other.  Not counter-intuitive…just really fucking dumb.

1. You don’t like Old-Wizard

For all of you who voted in the last poll on whether you like Old-Wizard or not, this is a tell-tale sign to tell if you’re not as smart as you think you are.  If you clicked on the disparaging vote towards Old-Wizard then you’re not smart because you don’t like the milieu of quality articles on Old-Wizard that discuss everything from the depths of philosophy, to the depths of the original Mario Brothers for the NES with the top Pipes that are upwardly contorted.  You don’t like strong opinions because it gets in the way of your meek identity that likes to accept everything no matter how shit it is.  Your politically correct nature doesn’t allow you to take shit with a grain of salt.  Everything has to mean something to you, and in turn, you have no sense of irony.  Old-Wizard’s not for you.  Go listen to and read that motivational speaker with the big ass white beard who’s always smiling on the front of his mawkish CD’s.

10. Ninja Gaiden

The classic Ninja Gaiden game had to have a classic ending. After all, you were fighting to find and save your father. This was not going to be any mediocre ending. Unfortunately for Ryu, he would not be able to save his father as his destiny was too tied to the “Demon Statue” as the Demon world was exploding before both of their eyes. Like a true hero, Ryu’s father tells his son to “save the girl and escape with his own life”. Ryu has become a man and no longer needs the assistance of his soon to be missed father. Besides this touching scene between father and son comes some “behind closed door” scenes between Irene and Ryu involving some kissing, and…well that’s it for an 80’s 8-bit ending! Ryu and Irene watch the perfect sunset go down as the gamer unwinds in what was one of the most difficult games for the 8-bit era. With a great story to the ending and one of the most aesthetically pleasing sunsets in gaming history, Ninja Gaiden deserves its place on this list.

9. Contra

The first time in gaming history where an island blows up, Contra gave the gamer the ending he wanted when playing this apparently unbeatable game (without the code of course). With seconds left, and the island about to detonate, you would see the protagonists fly off of the island in a little 8-bit helicopter just in time. The satisfaction that came over the gamer here was immense, considering how long and difficult the journey was. Seeing the island destroyed raised emotions of victory more than any other game for the NES. The simple dialog after the destruction of the island is not very thoughtful, but this still doesn’t take away from one of the most powerful endings for the NES console.

8. Final Fantasy 7

The ending to Final Fantasy 7 can be summed up in one word; “Epic”. It’s not a coincidence that many of the selections in this list are RPG’s. When playing these massive games, it was only logical for there to be massive endings, and this was epitomized most noticeably in Final Fantasy 7. The ending to this game was aesthetically jaw-dropping for its day. Cloud’s flying through stars, the planet is being saved through colors as serene as an Aurora Borealis, and all the characters in the game are sitting watching in pure serenity. More than any other video game ending before, Final Fantasy 7 can be seen as the most “artful” experience for the video gamer. What the ending of Final Fantasy 7 showed more than anything was how great graphics could actually be utilized to create beauty rather than just mirror-image reality.

7. Chrono Trigger

Chrono Trigger had multiple endings. To fully enjoy the game, you had to complete the whole conquest rather than just completing the game halfway and watching Lavos destroy the shit out of the world. Going into the heart of the beast of Lavos and destroying him with all the characters you meet throughout the entire history of the Chrono Trigger world would give you the best endings. Whatever ending you obtained through beating it fully would show still and moving pictures of all the grand lands in the Chorno Trigger history from the rustic elegance of the prehistoric age to the dismal and lugubrious themes of the meta-contemporary dark ages. Trying to go through all the endings of this game is not for this description though. Among many great endings are Frog fighting Magus one final time on top of Magus’s castle with one of them (we don’t know which) standing on top with there cape breezing in the air. Whatever ending you get, you will be satisfied after your long journey (except the easy one of not really completing the game and watching the world be destroyed).

6. Super Metroid

What I consider to be the ending of Super Metroid is actually playable. I consider the moment you enter Tourian in Super Metroid to be the official ending of Super Metroid. The Metroid’s are easy to destroy and your packed with loads of energy and weapons at this point (You had to be to defeat Ridely). The whole scene of watching the baby metroid you saved kill the nucleus form of Mother Brain is one of the more emotional moments for the Super Nintendo medium. Escaping Tourian and saving your friends on the way is an incredibly unique addition to an already ingenious game. Of course, if you beat Super Metroid in the good time, you not only get to see Samus with her helmet off, but with her whole suit off making any gamer interested in efficiency when completing the game.

5. Star Fox (SNES)

The Star Fox ending was great for many different reasons. First off, it had one of the best ending soundtracks for the SNES era. The voice acting was beyond superb for the mere 16-bit technology. Polygrams blasting up in front of other polygrams and Fox McCloud calmly flying off into the serene clouds was a perfectly satisfying ending to one of the great games for the SNES. The ending is long and goes through all the levels like many of the great endings on this list. It also goes through all the ships as an added bonus. The ships all have their own stats from their specific weapons to their sizes. You watch your fleet rise into space with perfect symmetry on par with the great Star Wars movies (the old ones, not the new ones!). A Star Wars quality ending for a video game? What else could you ask for?

4. Mega Man 3

The Mega Man series never skimped on their endings, although they always showed the demise of Dr. Wily “once and for all”, over and over again. This was not so in Mega Man 3 where we meet a new mysterious character who is added into the Mega Man fold. Out of nowhere comes the one and only Protoman. Protoman’s true identity is revealed. Just when it looks like Mega Man is down and out from the crumbling castle of Dr. Wily’s; in comes Protoman to knock out the block that is crushing Mega Man. What happened to Dr. Wily? Does Protoman ask this or Mega Man? Whoever asks this question further adds to the mystery of this simple yet entertaining ending. After this Homeric ending comes a conversation between Dr.Light and Mega Man regarding who brought Mega Man back to Dr. Lights base. The final scene of the game shows Mega man running in front of an incandescent grassy background with the bosses being shown on the bottom half of the screen with their “stats”. Mystery, great dialogue and superb backgrounds (even if just 8-bit) make for one of the greatest endings in video game history.

3. Metal Gear Solid

The Metal Gear series showed a depth not seen in adventure games with the ending of Metal Gear Solid. The intricacy of the story line throughout the game doesn’t come to a simple resolution, showing off the developer’s smart taste for Dionysian tragedy. We find out Snake is inferior to Liquid. We find out that Snake only has a certain amount of time before FoxDie kills him. The destiny of Ocelot is one of the most surprising moments in video game history. By Metal Gear Solid not giving a firm foundation to the ending of the game, they created a further suspense for the subsequent games that were obviously to come. Great games usually breed great endings and Metal Gear Solid was no exception. This story line was like a best selling detective novel. Please, more of this.

2. Secret of Mana

Secret of Mana was one of the greatest videos games of all time (which is in the top 10 our “ top 100 greatest games of all time list“) and it wouldn’t disappoint with a monumental ending that showed off the prestige of all the lands in the game. After the tragic and Homeric dialogue between the characters at the end of the game was a repetition of all the areas in the game. They were shown with clarity and an aesthetic placidity not fully grasped when playing the game itself, mostly because of the fact that you were busy destroying the enemies and not looking at the landscapes. Getting to look over the massive ice land and the towering forest areas was a more than pleasant ending to a video game that took the gamers mental and emotional energy. Revisiting all the old towns gave the gamer a sense of nostalgia knowing they have finished one of the greatest games of all time.

1. Zelda Link to the Past

After apparently destroying Gannon for good (as in every Zelda game) Link is faced with the essence of the Triforce. The essence of the Triforce grants the wisher anything they want in their heart and mind. Finally Link gets a reward for all his hard work in a wish that he can only make. With Link’s Golden Heart, the light world is restored to its former glory. The King returns to his castle. The lonely bully makes a friend and your uncle recovers from his ailing sickness. The light world not only extirpates any remnants of the dark world, but becomes a heavenly abode for all that reside in it. The similarities between the ending of Link to the Past and other artistic renditions of religious art are obvious. Link to the Past though captures this inspiration in a guilt-free way where self-interest is lost to the golden heart. We at Old-Wizard believe in Zelda Link to the Past. In a certain sense, its our religion and the ending of the game confirms our belief in the heart that went into it.

10. People who only watch the Superbowl

Of course these people aren’t fans of football, they’re probably not fans of anything except whatever social protocol tells them to do on a certain day. The worst though is when these morons try to wear a jersey of a team on Superbowl. They actually go out and buy a jersey before the Superbowl knowing nothing about the team except for the fact that the color strikes them a certain way, or they saw an interview with the quarterback a week before the game and liked his humility or some dumb character aspect about him and decided to like this team on this one day and forget about them forever until the next Superbowl where they decide to like a team just because it’s a Superbowl. Shit, if it’s all that Nacho Dip you’re after, just go eat like the pig you are and stop pretending to care about something you couldn’t give a shit about.

9. People who find it necessary to eat bad food when watching football

What the hell is with this culture? What is it about football that makes people want to eat food that makes you go to the bathroom every second?  Don’t you want to watch the game at all? Is it the alcohol that one drinks during a game that makes them hungry? I don’t think this is the case. People feel there’s a God given right to eat like assholes when watching a football game. What is it in watching people who are hitting each other that induces one to eat hot dogs, burgers, and wings? And not only to eat junk food, but to get excited about the fact that they’re eating junk food? Some people can’t watch again unless they have food that’s going to make them run to the toilet after, which they think is a good thing. Is this hyper-masculinity supposed to make some women attracted? If it does, then you’re attracting an idiot.

8. People who wear pink football jerseys

When you see someone wearing a pink football jersey you can be sure she has no idea about football and has no idea who’s on the team they’re wearing, and maybe even the team that they’re wearing! Of course this one is directed at a certain sex and is misogynistic. For all the girls out there who want to impress their male counterparts, stop pretending to like a team by wearing these stupid ass things. If you could just try to know one player on the team I like, that would be awesome. And the next time they play, if you could know that player off the top of your head without me having to say it, that would be really cool. I would really like you then. Then after that, just hand me over that pink jersey so I can burn it with the most ebullient laugh I’ve had all year.

7. Steelers Fans

Steelers are the “Industrial” fans, and by that I don’t mean Industrial Music, I mean they think they’re from fucking mining towns! Yes, we all know Pittsburg is so fucking working class, just like Buffalo is, but Pittsburg has the feeling of a guy with a mustache working in some crusty industrial plant creating something that is absolutely representative of Americana. This idea gives Steelers fans the feeling of being hard. Whenever you come across Steelers fans, just know that they think they’re tough because they’re wearing their Steelers apparel. It’s a material signifier for the fact that they’re really fat loafs who have below-average looking girlfriends. Another thing, supposedly the Steelers have “fans” all over the place but why all the empty seats at Heinz Field year after year?

6. People who have to ask who their team is playing on game day

Just stop watching football for God’s sake, and please stop saying that you even “have a team” you like. If you find out who “your team” is playing just before the start of the game, you don’t really like this shit except for the fact of making bad banter with your Dilbert looking colleague at your boring job the next day. All it is, is something to say. If you don’t know who “your team” is playing a week in advance, you don’t really have “a team”, but a need to be part of something you know nothing about. You like someone at the office and want to appear that you like what they like but in a different way by liking a different team than them. It’s probably some girl who pretends to like the Cowboys. Two people talking about football with no idea what it’s about. “My team won, your team lost”; office banter at it’s worst.

5. Oakland Raiders Fans

Another tough guy crowd. Okay, we get it. You’re fat as hell, you eat lots of hot dogs in front of cameras, and drink really shitty bear because some advertisement unconsciously got into your head that says fat guys can get beautiful women by drinking shit bear. You paint yourself in silver and black as a new age pirate showing how tough you and your team really are. You get your ass beat almost every year now and your stadium is full of rowdy people who are getting their ass beat in life every year by their weight problem. Oh yeah, and you have a GM who has a penchant for picking the worst players in the first round out of every GM in the history in the NFL. Darrius Heyward-Bey in the first round? Are you kidding me? Just because he ran a 4’4 at the combine?

4. Philadelphia Eagles fans

The Eagles just can’t get it done. Go to the Superbowl and your franchise QB is puking on the final drive of the game, go to play the lowly Cowboys and get your ass beat every time, making it an official sweep for the season, and go to the NFC championship and get beat down by the moderately talented Cardinals. Still, Donovan Mcnugget to you is the best quarterback in the league regardless of the fact that he gets benched and throws interceptions like Brett Farve on his worst day. Much like the Cowboys, every year is the year that the Eagles are going to face no challenge and destroy everyone in the league somehow with an aging quarterback and a running back on the edge of retirement. With one really solid receiver, hang your hat on that rather than all the spectacular members of the team who are really average.

3. Who dat nation

Congratulations all you “Saints” fans, you have become irritating as fuck by sounding dumb as fuck. Your Who Dat nation has become the ugliest sounding statement in all of sports. When “Saints” fans say this shit, they sound like 3 year olds playing GI Joe with another 3 year old. Nowhere will you get substance from these “Saints” fans except for the fact that Drew Brees is the Saints quarterback and “Reggie Bush had a good game” even though he probably didn’t because he only has 1 good game a year. You know 2 players on your team and the rest of the time go about spouting this retarded meaningless phrase. You were not undefeated, you won a Superbowl, and real Saints fans and the Saints should be proud of it. You, on the other hand, should go back to grade school and learn that enthusiasm doesn’t have to entail sounding like an idiot.

2. Cowboys fans who aren’t from Texas

America’s team? How about a team that keeps choking in the playoffs? A fan of “America’s team” outside of Texas? How about you wish you were from Texas and were as rowdy as a Texan who wasn’t from fucking Dallas. One thing about Dallas fans, they can’t just wear a t-shirt or sweater with the Cowboys name on it, but have to wear a jersey of someone. What is this all about? And why is that any girl you see wearing a football jersey is wearing a Cowboys jersey? Is it not possible for a girl to like any other team besides the Cowboys? Do girls just like the word “Cowboy” and pick that as their team? Every year you and Jerry Jones have a team built to win the superbowl but make the playoffs 1 in every 4 years and lose in the first playoff game you play. Get to an NFC East championship before you keep saying you have a team built for the Superbowl.

1. Jets Fans

New York belongs to one football team, The Giants. It always has and always will. The Jets have had some history with a great quarterback and mild success here and there but when their fans and fat coach say that they’re the new show in town and that they own the new stadium built this year, you know they are going to get their ass beat next year by teams. It doesn’t matter how good fatso or the fans think their defense will be (even though it‘s really average outside the cornerback position). That ugly color green is always a stain in the AFC. It’s a stain of mediocrity, and never having a good quarterback. Who else is sick of this “I waited 40 years for this” fan who must let everyone know how much they suffered being a Jets fan because they suck and don’t win Superbowls? Try speaking quietly and carrying a big stick…and hiring a coach under 500 pounds.

10. Bomberman 1 (Two Player Co-op Mode)

Bomberman 1 had to be on this list because of the strong Co-op mode that was in it. While Bomberman 2 had the best battle mode, it didn’t have a co-op mode, which was a shame. Bomberman 1 though had an amazing Co-op mode where you would start off in a level invincible for the first 7 seconds or so. If you were loaded with items and bombs from previous levels, you could just ransack the level before being able to get hit by anybody. In a matter of seconds the whole screen is just one big explosion with you and player two are standing around with the melee coming to an end. This is serious fun, but is all predicated on the fact that neither you nor your partner lose your weapons by being killed or idiotically killing yourself. Why a 2 player Co-op mode wasn’t made for Bomberman 2 is beyond us.

9. Metal Warriors

Metal Warriors can be irritating if you’re really shit at it. If you’re good at it, then have at it. Have at your friend who ends up in a fucking shitty ass robot who can’t jump so has to stand in the corner getting his ass beat while you throw out massive projectiles into nowhere. This is the fun though of many of the battle mode levels; the fact that you can enter into all the different robot machines, and if you happen to get screwed and end up in the 20,000 pound beast, then you’re dead. Strategy then in Metal Warriors isn’t just being good with certain bots, but finding the right bot that fits your style of play. There is the Swordsman bot who is fairy versatile all around. The flying bot is fun because you can crop down unexpectedly into player 2’s bot without them being able to do anything about it. Much like Mario Kart, you want to perfect a certain bot, but if you don’t have access to it, it’s good to have a good supplementary bot.

8. Double Dragon 2

With only a few Co-op games making this list, a Double Dragon game had to make it, but which one? Double Dragon 1 certainly started the 2 player co-op series where you could whomp on each other instead of moving forward in the game. Double Dragon 2 had a charisma though that Double Dragon 1 didn’t have. The graphics were smoother, the music was memorable, and the storyline was somewhat sophisticated. On top of that you got a some new moves and weapons to work with. Being able to do that flying 360 kick with the sound of a hurricane representing it was fun as hell, especially when “accidentally” hitting player 2. Getting through the levels was a challenge. The jumps were difficult, the bosses were elusive (except for that Arnold Schwarzenegger boss) and you had to rely on your partner for much of the game. Being able to kick out those Bobo’s out of the airplane would require one player to knock him down and the other to knock him out just as he was being sucked out of the plane. Coop 2 player was rarely this fun.

7. Street Fighter 2

Of course Street Fighter 2 is on this list. With all the characters you could choose from, this game is limitless fun. You go into the game thinking “Okay, I’m going to try someone new” and choose the weak ass Dhalsim. Your friend rocks you with Ryu’s fireballs and signature uppercut. You’re pretty pissed at this point. It’s time to go with the character you know can destroy all; M. Bison. After this, it’s just a domination fest with you using Bison’s Signature electric move that flies through the other player as if he didn’t exist. After 10 seconds the match is over with the other player screaming how unfair it is that you’re using M.Bison. Well it’s just as unfair being able to sit in a fucking shooting out those fucking fireballs all day. Of course, when you get really good at certain characters you can neutralize these seemingly impenetrable moves, even with Dhalsim (to this day, I’ve never seen anyone choose Dhalsim at the arcade Street Fighter 2 Coin-Op machine). Loads of characters, loads of moves, tons of irritation until you’re able to figure out how to combat all the other characters moves, a perfect recipe for a great 2 player game.

6. New Super Mario Wii (Coin Battle)

Super Mario Wii made it’s dominating entrance into the video game market last year with an incredible battle mode. A race to collect coins and kill each other would make this hyperactive battle the best for the Wii thus far. The feeling of getting thrown off a ledge by player 2 is excruciating because you have to bubble your way back to him to get out, and of course he being the ass he is, will run away from you the whole damn time leaving you with no coins and himself with all the coins, including the big coins worth 10 a piece! It’s paramount that you don’t die in this game, but this is rather hard when playing a difficult level trying to collect as many coins as you can. A good strategy? Collect a couple coins, kill player 2 before he’s able to collect any and then kill yourself. You win 2-0!

5. Contra

Contra is the one and only Co-op 2 player game. When one thinks of Coop mode, it is Contra. Even without the code, the game is loads of fun with 2 players. The game doesn’t allow you to kill each other which is a good thing because there’s really no way of getting past the first half of the first level if you were able to. The levels are set up perfectly for 2 players. The first level has high ground and low ground to destroy all the enemies and the fortress levels make it necessary for both players to take out radars on each side of the screen. Where the 2 player mode can be tricky is in the waterfall level where if you go to far above, you can leave the other player behind to his doom which isn’t a good thing, because it’s not like you have a lot of lives to work with unless you use the code. The game is perfectly programmed with a perfect amount of enemies per level and bosses that would scare the shit out of you. The only problem was the lack of lives which Konami made sure to code up with the 30 live code. You always felt less of a man though having to use the code, but you really had no choice. They should have given you 10 lives to start off with.

4. Super Mario Double Dash

As was stated in previous articles, this game single handedly took up 75% of our college lives. A’s became B’s and then B’s became B-’s. A professor would wonder why my editing became so poor as a became a junior and senior in college. One reason, Super Mario Double Dash. There’s no way I could actually look over a paper when I heard roommates in the living room yelling at the top of their lungs in anger because they got blue shelled just as they were about to win the race. I had to be part of it. I knew I could beat all of them regardless of getting blue shelled because I would be so far ahead of those fuckers that nothing could stop me from finishing a race at the #1 spot. That this game almost had 2 friends of mine going to physically blows shows how important of a game it was. If you lost enough, some people felt they had to prove their worth by actually having a physical fight. Thankfully this was never me because I was always accepted as the Double Dash Master. All this is only an anecdotal story though. How long could one actually talk about the game itself?

3. Bomberman 2 (Battle Mode)

Bomberman 2 has the best bomber man levels and some really badass items that make it a better battle mode than Bomberman 1. In the tradition of Bomberman, you have to skillfully bomb your way around blocks to eventually bomb player 2, and not even player 2, but possibly player 3 and 4, or the computer players if you don’t have enough friends which is probably the case if you play Bomberman 2 on a regular basis. Loading up a bombs is the most fun someone can have in a 2 player battle mode. You can get 10 of these things and just lay them down around the whole screen watching everyone run to the corner to escape your abundance of bombs. This overzealous excitement can lead to killing yourself though if you’re not careful enough. The levels range from the Bomber man “purist” level, to levels where you can jump across vines and levels where you can transport yourself and bombs through tunnels to other parts of the screen. The bomber man series has always been creative, but found it’s most practical creativity in this perfect 2 player battle mode.

2. WWF Raw (SNES)

Where the hell did this one come from? Do yourself a favor. By a 3rd party SNES/NES and buy this game. At first you won’t understand why this is such an amazing 2 player game, but the more you play it, the more it ages like fine wine, especially when you’re drinking lots of alcohol. It’s all on the Royal Rumble mode to make this game so great.  The smallest moves will seem like the biggest accomplishments. Hip tossing a wrestler over the ropes gives you an unparalleled reward synaptic shot. Demolishing wrestlers with no energy in the middle of the ring will also do the same thing. The feeling of getting thrown against the ropes while player 2 is waiting right there to hip toss you over the ropes is incredibly depressing. The only shot you have is if you have enough energy to stop in your running tracks before the bastard is able to throw you over. The fun doesn’t just stop at the Royal Rumble in Raw though. The Survivor Series mode is also amazing because for some odd reason sometimes you don’t get to use all the wrestlers you picked because of bad programming, making you feel that you want to beat the bad programming with skill regardless of your handicap. Amazing drinking game. You can even let the rumble go on with the computer playing against itself and have bets on which wrestler will be the last man standing!

1. Super Mario Battle Mode (SNES)

This is the best 2 player game ever. For those who disagree, you don’t know what good 2 player battle modes are. This game is one screen, 5 different bad guys, and 2 different types of mushrooms that you can get to help you to your advantage, but yet can be played for hours because of how subtle the strategy is. You think you’ve mastered this game because it’s only played in one room. How about playing one of us at Old Wizard so we can whip your ass 50 times in a row to show you how much you need to improve. The element of winning by gaining coins (by killing the enemies on the screen) puts pressure on the other player to kill you before you’re able to gain the coins, which in turn puts pressure on you which often leads to you sacrificing your mushroomed Mario or Luigi to get that one coin. The pressure shifts back and forth like being part of the best football game in the world. You eventually learn prudence when you feel like you’re in the dumps being small while the other player is big and them having 2 coins. You know the game can tides can turn any moment. Just get that one mushroom or switch mushroom and you become the big bully! Seriously, timeless fun in every sense of the word ‘timeless’.

10. You’ve protested something on your college campus

This is a funny one. During a popular and caustic response to an “unjust” war (I quote unjust because it needs to be defined and understood before deeming it as unjust), you’re out on the streets of a city with a sign while people drive by laughing at you. You have no idea about any of this though. In your mind, you’re doing a just service for your country by doing nothing but standing or sitting on a street corner while holding up a sign. But unconsciously, you know you’re really doing nothing. Unconsciously, your egregious attempts at defining yourself are making you an unctuous person. What’s even funnier is when this shit happens in a state and city where people are already in a state of disapproval of some Washington policy. You’re then speaking to no one, which can only mean you’re trying to speak to yourself, which means if you don’t grow up now, you will forever be an a complete fool.

9. You’ve driven cross country

If you don’t drive Cross Country then there must be something wrong with you for the Bohemian. It’s not about visiting random places or different countries and most importantly, not staying there for a long time. It’s about visiting places as quickly as possible on this transcendental road trip so you can come back and tell people that you visited places that you actually never really visited but simply passed by to say that “I’ve been there”. These people are what you would call “Experience Whores”, who actually have no real experience of any one place in particular but like the idea of experience in general. But how could one possibly experience a place if they’re not there for more than 1 day? Do everyone a favor, if you have the impulse to drive cross country, don’t go telling everyone about it afterwards. No one wants to hear about your non-experience masquerading as an experience.

8. You’re not allowed to like sports

“What, you like football! What’s the matter with you? All it is are people hitting each other and falling on each other! Why would you want to be part of such violence?” Independent of the obviously misogynistic connotation that goes along with the above quote is a complete misunderstanding of competitive sports. The fact that these professionals spend their whole lives working toward a goal that they had since they were children never comes across to your mind. The fact that some of these professionals play their sports with broken wrists and bum shoulders means nothing to you. The words “courage” and “commitment” mean nothing to you. Why do they mean nothing to you and why do you think you can get away with saying something so halfwitted? Maybe because you sucked ass at everything in life.

7. You painted a mural on a wall on your college campus

You’ve seen it in movies about the ghetto. You’ve seen people in states of penury naturally graphite walls and you want to do this yourself. You want to be from the streets and a state of penury like people from the ghetto are regardless of the fact that you come from $700,000 dollar property and your father is a divisional manager of an insurance company. Express yourself! Paint on these walls and show the world everything that you’re about. Show the world how complicated you are by painting something that could never possibly make any sense to anyone, in turn making you appear interesting because there’s no possible way of understanding you! Just make sure not to sign your name on the bottom or you will be on probation by campus security and you don’t want that. You don’t want your parents finding out about that one. You can tell all your friends though, or everyone that you’ve felt the incessant need to impress.

6. You walk to class barefoot

The ground is dirty and there’s probably mud on the grass on your way to your “social issues” class where you discuss world poverty and do nothing about it. You decide to not wear any shoes knowing that everyone is coming back from class or going to class at the same time. Shit, you are really different. Look at that person without the shoes; look at how different they are…man I could really learn something from them. An idiot would think this to themselves. For the rest of us, it’s “What the fuck is wrong with this person? What are they trying to prove? Why are they so in need of respect by paradoxically wanting to appear that they don’t care about what people think about them?” Ahh, there is your answer. These people deeply care about what you think about them, so much so that they’re willing to get their fucking feet dirty!

5. You go to Chinese restaurants just so you can use chopsticks

Don’t you love seeing these people? They talk softly but intently in a Chinese restaurant about things that they think are important but aren’t important beyond their abstract sociological classes with mawkish professors who think they’re still 21. They hunch over their sushi for some odd reason, probably to appear coquettish because that is the bohemian style after all…to be a fucking pansy. When the chopsticks come, it’s like they’ve won a fuckin trophy. When they dig into their sushi with their chopsticks they are really on top of the world in all their cosmopolitan glory. They want you to know how cultured they are and the major signifier of this disingenuous multi-cultural aspiration is the fuckin’ chopsticks. If you like chopsticks so much, why don’t you go over to China and produce them in one of their thousands of sweat shops. Then you can really feel “cultured”.

4. You wear T-shirts with a random slogan or advertisement on it

Robot figures, an advertisement for mayonnaise from 70’s, whatever it is, because you’re wearing it, you’re cool as fuck. Who else is wearing this stuff? People walk by you and laugh and you think to yourself “Yeah, shit I’m different from everyone”, but little do you realize that people are laughing at you because you’re a dumbass who’s obsessed with himself. Who knows, maybe the people actually think you’re cool. They don’t want to hang out with you, but they get a sense they are experiencing something different because they’re walking by a retard like you. This is college life in a nutshell. When the dream is over, the dumb shirts are taken off and you’re left to yourself, your nothingness…and that’s when the meds start.

3. You cite Noam Chomsky from books of his you’ve never read

There is one certainty for you, the self-obsessed Bohemian, and that’s the fact that everything that’s “wrong in the world” is because of the United States who’s either 1. giving you your loan to go to college and/or 2. Made your family filthy rich to make you go to college without earning it. How to supplement this insincere distaste for the US? You look at the front cover of Noam Chomsky’s “Imperial Ambitions” and flip through a few pages about how the US extorted the Ecuadorian population for their Snow Pea market. The history of the US in World War 2 and Post World War 2 policies like the Marshall Plan are so outside your mental space that you don’t even know who the US’s allies were in World War 2. All you know is that The United States is evil and you’re going to do something about it by flipping through a book and telling others about this book you flipped through. Damn, you’re so interesting.

2. You listen to indie music

Here it is again. The good old indie scene taking it on the chin again by Old-Wizard. Can’t listen to anything that is remotely popular, can’t admit to liking a song because it’s on the radio. Everything you listen to has to be from some obscure channel on an obscure station that only a few people know about so you can tell other people about these new abominable bands to appear “cutting edge”. But do you really like the music? Difficult question. You like the idea of telling other people about things they don’t know, and if you do this at the expense of music, then so be it. At least these awful bands are getting the credit they don’t deserve but they want because people like you exist who eventually start bad bands like the bad bands you’re telling everyone else about. It’s a big circle of shit.

1. You look dirty and smell like shit

Dirty ass T-shirts, dirty feet, almost naked listening to reggae, specifically Bob Marley. You sit outside your apartment dorm that your parents shelled out $130,000 for, thinking that you’re from fucking Jamaica. What the hell is going on in your absolutely handicapped mind? You’re telling the world that you don’t have to appear clean like everyone else because you’re your own person who does their own thing, and there is no better sign for this than looking dirty and smelling like shit. The world is relaxed for you. You can do whatever you want. Of course you can you dip shit, you don’t have to pay for any of this disgusting display of individuality, someone else does! There’s a washer in the basement of your immaculate apartment complex on campus. Use it once and awhile. Maybe you’ll really learn a thing or two about yourself besides the fact that you have to be someone so grotesquely different from everyone else.

Related Articles: Top 10 Worst Types of People

10. “I watch the super bowl for the commercials”

Even if you watch the Super Bowl for the commercials and are a complete Philistine when it comes to the grand mythological game of football, how is it possible to run around the day after telling people that you “watched the game for the commercials”? What are you gaining out of telling people that you’re an advertisement whore with no soul and no love for anything that doesn’t last 30 seconds? Are you trying to appear vacuous to people? Is this somehow attractive in the most abstract sense; essentially to appear as retarded to others (and not retarded in the fun way like trying to jump from your roof into your pool and missing it thereby breaking your leg)? The question is whether this is a self-conscious gesture or an honest one. If it is honest, God help humanity in it’s descent into vacuity.

9. “I want New Orleans to win the Superbowl because it would be good for the city”

Who else is sick of this shit? First of all, if you’re from New Orleans then you have the right to make this statement. If you lived through the hurricane and saw your house destroyed, you have every right to be passionate about a team that gives hope to a city in ruin, but if you’re some dumb fuck from another area in the country getting off on the fact of this altruistic narrative, you are what I would call an “unthinking being”. How in the hell can you empathize with something you have no real relation to except in news media coverage? Does the $10.00 you sent to Katrina Aid enable you to say really what’s good “for the city”? Or are you just following a media narrative that has stuck to you like when you purposely went to a gypsy fortune teller to learn about yourself, unconsciously knowing full well that they are only going to tell you good things about yourself in attempts to further obtain your business for the future? Are you really this fucking stupid? Are you this easily led? No wonder why the Federal Reserve can get away with what it wants, and why we have economic policy that blindly pumps money into nowhere. It knows how retarded the American population is. As they say, “Socialism is the product of an obsequious population”.

8. “Donnie Darko is my favorite movie”

“Donnie Darko is my favorite movie”. All that dark imagery. All those pseudo-psychological problems that inhibit Jake Gyllenhaal. You’ve internalized these problems as your own because they look so real and authentic. To suffer superficially is to really suffer to you. The world is so mad and there’s nothing that you can do about it…and this is where your spirit and thought process stop, that you live in a chaotic world of madness where you never know what’s going to happen. Your fake hopelessness found in a movie guides you in your life and gives you opinions on things you have no right to have opinions on. But this movie had such an impact on your boring life that you think you can live it out without it having nothing to do with you. Do us a favor. Go find an insurance job and marry some trite wide eyed optimist who thinks they can change the world from all the problems that you two find in this movie….and then get divorced in 2 years when you realize that you really didn’t like each other, but were just complete fucking idiots.

7. “I got so wasted last night”

Man, you got wasted last night. What are you going to do about it? YOU’RE GOING TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT IT!. It’s like a fucking job. You wake up the next morning and you say to yourself “Alright I’m going to let everyone on my phone know that I got wasted last night”. And then there’s the fail safe; putting it up on your face book Profile! The universal signifier of how drunk you got is letting everyone know in one facebook status change on how drunk you got. Your mind-numbing friends will probably respond with “YEAH IT WAS!”. How can people like this live with themselves? Are their whole lives guided around the fact that their ostensible night of debauchery signified some value for the person? Or has value been thrown into a vacuum when these pseudo-debaucheristic gestures become prevalent? No longer value, but complete emptiness, the existential project could never have known how badly nothingness could possibly manifest itself.

6. “I like all kinds of music”

What the fuck is this supposed to mean? Does this mean you like Mahler? Does this mean you like Chopin’s Nocturnes? Does this mean you like Nickelback? Does this mean you like Chopin’s Nocturnes and Nickelback at the same time? Why don’t you just answer that you don’t like music at all and you really don’t care about it? This would be a much more appropriate answer than the tiresome affirmation of thinking you like “all kinds of music” when you clearly don’t. If you like bad music then so be it. Shit, I like tons of bad music. I can say with all honesty that I like that Matchbox 20 song called “Bent”. It’s not a guilty pleasure, it’s something that I happen to like that I know sucks ass. We all like bad music. Instead of saying you like “all kinds of music”, just say “I like bad music”. You will gain a whole lot of respect by admitting that you listen to shit.

5. “I believe that God is all around us”

Fast food religion epitomized in this self-indulgent aphorism. “God is all around us”. Okay fucker, explain this shit to me. You’re telling me that the fact that someone suddenly dies from unknown causes is “God being all around us”, or do you just mean to not step on anyone’s toes with real beliefs and real thought processes regarding the issue of teleological transcendence. While there is wisdom in this aphorism, you can’t get away with just making this statement without explaining it. And those open armed gestures won’t do you any good except making you look like a fool trying to explain something that is logically impossible to explain. All around us? How the hell do you know what “All” is? Have you visited different countries? Have you investigated other people religions? Have you done any work to try to understand an overriding spirit to the world? Or do you just need a position that makes the people around you feel happy and makes you look insightful because your friends are dumb fucks?

4. “Macs are so intuitive”

I don’t doubt that Macs are “intuitive”, but can someone please elaborate on why Macs are intuitive instead of saying its because they have flashy commercials and silky looking screens? Can someone tell me about why the programming in a Mac is more intuitive than the programming in a Microsoft interface? Where does this general impulse come from in being able to describe things so vaguely? Where does this impulse come from in being so fucking lazy as to being able to state things that you can’t explain. Sure, in the middle ages we couldn’t explain God so left it to faith to “explain” the belief in God, but does a technological program lead itself to be explained purely on faith? No, it’s not faith. It’s hearsay and all those flashy commercials with the hackneyed indie pop music behind it. Advertisements work wonders on idiots. It’s not the advertisers fault to blame though for the lack of thinking when making humdrum statements like “Mac’s are intuitive”. It’s man at his worst, his most self-satisfied, to be able to say anything without really meaning it, and never knowing what any real meaning is.

3. “If you don’t vote, you can’t complain”

What the fuck is this supposed to mean? If I don’t vote I can’t complain? Fuck you, you dull modern plebeian. By simple logic I can fucking complain for 24 hours about politics and not vote at the same time. I can realize that my vote in my state would not change any outcome for an election. I can realize that modernity’s version of civic responsibility is equal to 2 seconds writing on a paper or pulling a fucking lever. I will live in spite of voting by the principle that civic responsibility transcends the tedious aphorisms of the need for 2-second voting. If I read and think about modern politics and give informed dialogue about a current issue, this is more of civic responsibility than voting, and not paying attention to anything that is happening politically speaking until the next time there is some vote that is deemed “important”. You can understand some poverty stricken being needing to make this statement to bring up their self-esteem in the world. But if you’re of at least middle class stating this shit, you’re an ant.

2. “How can you not like the Pixies?”

When you’re around people who appear to like music, they won’t talk about it unless you address them specifically about it because they feel themselves so authoritarian in their music taste that no one is good enough to hear about it. If you’re able to engage these mentally handicapped animals into a music conversation, chances are you’re going to hear the most generic indie rock bands that represent their false humility that makes them not openly talk about their influences. When you talk about how you think indie music is the biggest piece of trash to ever happen to 20th century pop music, you may bring up the fact The Pixes ran a fast one on music listeners by appearing to be good but actually being absolute dung. The mentally handicapped animal will look at you dumbfounded. “How is it possible not to like the Pixies?”  For everyone else who’s honest enough to hear good music, ask this jobber one thing; “So what are your favorite Pixies songs”? When you get no answer, or 1 song at most, you know you’re in a dialogue with someone who you never need to dialogue again with in this life time, and you will be relieved that you are not an idiot.

1. “What do you do?”

What do I do? I fucking do nothing! Even as I have things to do, I’m not telling some fucking stranger about “what I do”. This generic question tries to strike at the heart of what one’s financial worth is. So instead of asking “What do you do”, it should instead be asked in all honesty, “What is your Capitol worth?” When you confront these status whores, you can actually have fun with them if they are banal enough to ask you this question immediately upon meeting you. Just make things up. Say you’re the guitarist for Nickleback. See if they think that’s a good thing. Then you know they’re really idiots. Say “I do nothing”. Watch the reaction on the sycophant’s face when you say this. They are dumbfounded and in a momentary existential conundrum on how to respond to this response. You have to play with these degraded freaks of nature; play with them like they were animals; except without the sympathy that animals are actually more in tune with the core of honesty than these status masturbators.

30. Razor Ramon

The Machismo made an impact on the WWF bigger than just being a representative of the Hispanic culture. He had one of the greatest finishing moves of all time in the razors edge. He was the perfect heel for the WWF coming down to the ring with an arrogance only matched by Mr. Perfect and flicking his toothpick at opponents and ringside viewers alike. Not only did he have a strong finishing move and confidence before a fight, he had endurance to last through long matches that showed him to be one of the more underrated pure wrestlers in the faux-wrestling business. He tagged with Diesel and fought on his own. In both modes, he was a spectacle.

29. Ravishing Rick Rude

Ravishing Rick Rude was an arrogant master of wrestling who showed off his muscles to lady Elizabeth more than wrestling in a match. His tights were absurd. They were plastered shots of himself with massive lips insinuating a kiss towards all the women he thought were into him. I guess the mustache was still in style back then. Rick Rude was at the negative end of his battles mostly because he played heel to all the protagonist main carders in the WWF whether it be The Macho Man or Jake the Snake Roberts. Regardless, he had some good wrestling moves. He was quick and agile and could do some nasty moves from the top rope. He was a conspicuous figure and would be recognized by any fan of early wrestling.

28. Tito Santana

ARIBA! Tito Santana was actually one of the best pure wrestlers of all time. He was quick, actually executed real wrestling moves (not just dropped on people from turnbuckles) and roamed the ring before a match like someone who was in the real wrestling format before coming to the McMahon dynasty. Tito Santana was a high flying Mexican who always had the crowd begging for more. It’s unfortunate that his status didn’t fly higher though. He never had a shot at the main carder slot. He was deserving of it though. He has just as much skill and intestinal fortitude as Bret Hart for example but never had the chance to show it off. Watch one of his matches though and you’ll wish there was a ring you could fly into from the ropes with.

27. Sid Justice

Sid Justice was a physical phenomena being a pain in the ass to Hogan in his later career in the WWF. If it wasn’t for Sid, Hogan would have won Royal Rumble 1992 instead of flair, but Sid let Hogan know that “there are no friends in the rumble”! Sid Justice went on to dominate opponents much the same way The Undertaker did. Jobbers would get one blow in on him and mid-carders were beaten in less than 5 minutes. He was a true powerhouse and was setup for domination which he accomplished for a period in-between Wrestlemania 7 and 8. His lack of longevity as a force is what he keeps him at the lower end of this list. Still, his impact in the WWF was mythological.

26. Diesel

Diesel was a train. His finest from was in the WWF where he casually dominated wrestlers of much smaller stature. He was big and strong, not fat like Tugboat. He also showed a sizable amount of mettle too enduring long matches and kicking out of finishing moves. He was a force to be reckoned with in his time in the WWF. The tag team of him and Razor Ramon would prove to be volatile. You had the dirty play of Razor and the pure power of Diesel. Diesel was a great wrestler on his own and in a tag team. Everyone remembers the ease in which he entered the ring without having to go under the ropes because of his height. Embodying much of the physical attributes of The Undertaker, he just didn’t have the star power of the later. Regardless, he will always will be remembered for what he was. A virulent wrestler with an inordinate amount of endurance.

25. The Model Rick Martel

The Model Rick Martel was very much in a Ravishing Rick Rude type of wrestler. More interested in showing off himself to lady’s than actually wrestling, but like Rude, don’t discount his wrestling ability, especially on the Royal Rumbles he participated in. He has some of the best times out of any wrestler in Royal Rumble history. He was a true survivor. Martel was most known for temporarily blinding one of Jake the Snakes eyes by blowing perfume into it. They would have some intense matches that carried over to sub-plot fights in the Royal Rumble; the kind where one of the wrestlers would rush down to the ring looking for the wrestler he wanted to beat up at the cost of losing the rumble. Martel was a dirty wrestler with a dirty mind. You always needed these types of fighters to get the degenerates pumped as the person they wanted to be beaten on.

24. Superfly Jimmy Snuka

Superfly Jimmy Snuka fought for a long time; al the way from Captain Lou Albano to The Undertaker in Wrestlemania 7. From the Fiji Islands came Jimmy Snuka who represented for the first time in the WWF a figure who came from a diverse territory. If with Snuka that wrestlers like Kamala, Papa Shango and other subaltern wrestlers would have their chance at WWF fame. Snuka could also wrestle in case anyone forgot. This guy was pure speed. He had one of the greatest finishing moves of all time which was a massive head butt off the time ropes. Wrestlers would lay unconscious after this. The idea behind the move was that Snuka was from the jungle where he used his head to break open coconuts. Snuka started a diverse trend for the WWF that would eventually put the WWF on the path to worldwide glory.

23. Big Boss Man

The WWF needed someone to lay down the law. This man was The Big Boss Man. The Boss man really had no muscle to lay down the law but he had his club that he would smash people in the stomach with (or phantom smashes usually 1 foot away from the body). Big Boss Man was most explosive on teams with Hulk Hogan and Jim Duggan. He provided that binary protagonist quality that tipped the protagonist club overboard into fan idolization. Unfortunately, his showing at Royal Rumble 1992 put him below in this list. Forcing himself over the ropes was certainly an embarrassing moment in Royal Rumble lore. Still, when he came down to the ring in his uniform facing a jobber, you knew the jobber was going to have the law laid down on him.

22. The Texas Tornado

The Texas Tornado was an explosion every time he was in the ring. He was almost as explosive as the Ultimate Warrior, certainly not as solipsistic or egotistic, but still with a load of confidence upon entering the ring. Who could forget Royal Rumble 92’ when he came in the ring and tornado punched Ric Flair who marched to the center of the ring and dropped flat down on the ring. Texas Tornado’s tornado punch was one of the more devastating moves of all time. He mysteriously never got mid-carder status considering the fact that he could raise a crowd to their feet just by walking to the ring. He was ripped which was probably because of the use of steroids. He was a loose cannon regardless who enjoyed the open road, probably a little too much though as his motorcycle crash left him without his right foot which probably led to his 44 caliber suicide. He lived fast and expected nothing less than an explosive existence. Better to burn out than fade away, this was The Texas Tornado epitomized.

21. Earthquake

Fat Ass Earthquake is sort of irritating to watch because he’s such a loaf. He is incredibly slow and runs out of breath immediately after stomping in the ring for a few seconds. It’s strange that he was actually an amateur sumo-wrestler. He must have been beat a lot, which is probably why he entered into the WWF. Regardless of his exaggerated vice of sloth, he could command an audience into reprisal. He gave Hogan some difficult fights and was a constant thorn in Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s side. Earthquake was a beast. The kind of beast you’re scared of until you see how slow he is (like a 500 pound lineman in high school football). For his “bigman” status though, he is remembered as one of the great figures in WWF history.

5. Super Mario 2

The amount of unnecessary controversy surrounding Super Mario Brothers 2 is unprecedented. If you hear someone complaining about a Super Mario Brothers game it’s probably Mario 2 because its not like Mario 1 or 3, which are supposed to be the “authentic” Marios. Looking back, and playing through Super Mario All Stars though, Mario 2 comes as a treat, with its completely different game playing style and colourful imagery. You could choose between Mario, Luigi, princess, and Toad, giving you more options than Mario 1 and 3 (although Toad proves to be worthless). Each had their own special abilities. With the Princess, you could float across major parts of levels, which was a fun new addition to the Mario saga. There was also a variety of level-styles which was also welcome, as in some levels you were digging through a pyramid, and others, going into underground labyrinths to find keys to use elsewhere in the level. Some people have a problem that the game is a blatant rip of “Doki Doki Panic” for the Super Famicon (Japanese NES), but this in no way effects the playability and general enjoyment of the game. Gamers always need something to complain about, but for those who don’t care about the rip off and just play the game, they are in for a welcome surprise. The creators of this game had good taste in what to ape.

4. New Super Mario Wii

Super Mario Wii made it’s dominating entrance into the video game market this year with an incredible battle mode. A race to collect coins and kill each other would make this hyperactive battle the best for the Wii thus far. The feeling of getting thrown off a ledge by player 2 is excruciating because you have to bubble your way back to him to get out, and of course he being the ass he is, will run away from you the whole damn time leaving you with no coins and himself with all the coins, including the big coins worth 10 a piece! It’s paramount that you don’t die in this game, but this is rather hard when playing a difficult level trying to collect as many coins as you can. A good strategy? Collect a couple coins, kill player 2 before he’s able to collect any and then kill yourself. You win 2-0!

3. Super Mario World

Super Mario World is often over-looked as one of the best Mario games of all time. Usually people will tell you that Super Mario 1 or Super Mario 3 are the best Mario games ever. But go back and put in your “Super Mario All Stars and Super Mario World” cartridge into your SNES and you’ll probably find yourself playing this game more than any other. Why? Because its fun. In comparison to today’s games which focus on better graphics and more gore, this game focused on fun. And in this respect this game succeeded beyond measure. Tell me that you didn’t have fun bouncing around on the dolphins on top of the Vanilla Dome. Or riding around the winged platforms in the Forest of Illusion. Or eating monty moles with Yoshi. No, Super Mario World wasn’t a hard game (with the exception of Tubular in the Special World). But it was definitely a fun game. And in the end that’s really all that matters.

2. Super Mario Brothers 1

Super Mario Brothers 1 was the game that put video games on the map. Granted other video games existed before Super Mario brothers, but none stirred the hearts and control pads of the masses quite like this one. After all, who could resist Mario and Luigi? They were more than just a couple of brothers in the plumbing business, they were bad ass renegades who didn’t think twice about stomping mushroom traitors or kicking turtle soldier shell butt clear across mushroom kingdom if it meant saving Princess Toadstool. Speaking of the princess, she was smokin’ even though they hadn’t pixelated cleavage yet. This is a game that had it all, bizarre villains, midgets, hot princesses, and wanton fireball destruction. All in all, the original Super Mario Brothers was a fun game, but it also taught us some important life lessons: much like you can’t go back on a screen, you can’t go back in life. Once you make a choice you are stuck with it. Eat your vegetables and you’ll grow big and strong, always chase stars, no matter where they lead you, if you eat a flower you just end up spitting fire, and with a little manual labour you’ll find gold coins in the most unlikely places. Yes, this game was a true classic that created a whole generation of super gamers and maybe some renegade plumbers too.

1. Super Mario Brothers 3

Ask most people what their favorite Super Mario Brothers game is and more than likely they’ll tell you that its Super Mario Brothers 3, and with good reason. This game is packed with tons of power ups, from the almost useless frog suit, to my own personal favorite, the Tanooki Suit. The game is also packed with so many different types of levels, varying from desert worlds to ice worlds, that you’d think you were in the Star Wars galaxy traveling from Tatoonie to Hoth. But this variety of power ups and levels isn’t the only reason this game is loved by millions. Its the little things. Like a level where you get to ride around in a giant shoe and actually stomp on spinys (tell me you haven’t wanted to do that since you first saw them in SMB1). Or a the massive number of secrets in the game like the treasure ships and white mushroom huts. This game was truly epic from beginning to end, making it not only the best Mario game of all time, but perhaps the best VIDEO GAME of all time.

10. Roddy Piper Vs Superfly Jimmy Snuka

An old match, but one that should not be overlooked. This is when both Roddy Piper and Jimmy Snuka were coming into their own trying to show the audience their meddle and intestinal fortitude in the match. Superfly is actually favored over Roddy before the match. Superfly starts of dominating the match with his quickness and thrusting chops. Piper pulls out all the tricks in the book with an eye gouge that impairs Snuka for some time which gives Piper some time to hammer Snuka. Reverse throws against the ropes turn into sleeper moves for both opponents. The match goes outside of the ring numerous times. When back in the ring, Snuka attacks Pipers head like he’s striking a coconut Snuka tries his big leap from the top ropes but Piper catches him and throws him against the ropes which subsequently takes Snuka out of the ring. The miscalculated jump keep Snuka outside the ring for enough time to be counted out. After this warlike battle, Piper wins the match. One match not to be missed.

9. Undertaker VS Yokozuna (1994 Royal Rumble Casket Match)

Undertaker would beat Yokozuna in a Casket Match a couple years past this Casket Match, but for wrestling and entertainment purposes, the 1994 Casket Match was the best with undertake losing. Yokozuna fought his heart out and propped up quicker to fight than any match before. He wanted to sell this fight (maybe because he knew he would win). The Undertake was still in his agile stage tight roping the ropes and knocking down the massive Yokozuna consistently. The heart of the match though is when 10 wrestlers came down to the right alongside Yokozuna and his manager to help Yokozuna put The Undertaker in the casket. Watching the Undertaker beat up in 12 different men for 5 minutes was one of Undertakers greatest moments. At the end of the match though, The Undertaker was stuffed in the casket and just about as he was about to be wheeled away in the casket, lighting strook, and The Undertaker appear on the highlight screen to say he will be back in all his lugubrious parlance. After this, he apperably flew out of the arena. A truly supernatural experience for anyone watching.

8. Ultimate Warrior Vs Macho Man (Wrestlemania 7; Career ending match)

This career ending match would never be forgotten. These two fought as hard as they ever had in their life. Talk about a back and forth match. Here were two wrestlers with like intensity. Here were two of the most intense wrestlers in WWF history. From the start The Warrior expectedly takes it to Macho Man. Punches move onto body slams before Macho Man’s resiliency comes into play where he connects a clothesline on The Warrior. Still after this, right when he’s about to gain momentum, he tries a body fly into The Warrior off the ropes where Warrior catches him and down goes Macho Man again. The match continues like this for awhile. Warrior though can’t pin Macho Man for all his attempts in the match which makes him shoulder tackle Macho Man 3 times out of the ring, each time Warrior throwing him back in for another Shoulder tackle. After the 3rd though, Macho Man was out. After the Warriors win, Queen Sherri gets angry and starts beating up on Macho Man herself much to the Ire of Queen Elizabeth who comes down from the stands and takes Sherri’s hair and whips her out of the run; a truly romantic moment in WWF lore. Macho Man and Elizabeth exit the ring together and all is well.

7. Hulk Hogan Vs Ultimate Warrior (Wrestlemania 6)

One of the most anticipated matches of all time. Here in this match we would see if Hogan would retain his belt and continue his dynasty or hand it off to The Ultimate Warrior the way that Andre bestowed it upon Hogan in WM3. Two of the most beloved wrestlers of all time fighting for the grand prestige of staged-wrestling myth. Both men throughout the entire match show immense power. The match is more of a show of strength than a pure wrestling match. Power grip battles ensue, blocks off the ropes run right into the other without the other moving. Hogan slams Warrior hard and Warrior gets right back up. After the show of strength, the match turns into a street brawl with slaps, punches and clothesline at every angle. Near falls happen every 20 seconds accordingly. Hogan gains his rest by putting on his fake sleeper hold. A double clothes line 2 minutes later leaves both dead tired in the middle of the ring; a true match of attrition and endurance. The ref wants to count out both because they’re both not getting up. Both men of course get up. A match this big would never end in a draw. Toward the end of the match, The Warrior shows a feat of strength moment almost on part with Hogan body slamming Andre the Giant by gorilla pressing the massive Hogan. After a missed leg drop, The Warrior takes advantage with a body splash that ends the match and has The Ultimate Warrior as the operable successor to Hogan. As a romantic end to the match, Hogan and the Warrior embrace as the passing of the torch was thought to have happened for Hogan. If Hogan only knew then how fickle the Warrior would become.

6. Undertaker Vs Giant Gonzales (Wrestlemania 9)

One of the most underrated matches of all time was between The Undertaker and Giant Gonzales. As all wrestling fans know, Giant Gonzales was the first to punish The Undertaker during a previous Royal Rumble to a point where The Undertaker was barely able to move. The match in Wrestlemania 9 ended in a disqualification but it was a true David and Goliath battle with Undertaker ironically playing the part of David. Right when he comes into the ring he looks straight up at the beast that is Giant Gonzalez. Gonzales tries to keep smashing him in the back and every time The Undertaker stands straight back up to him. This wasn’t a traditional wrestling match. It was full of big foots, massive punches, and monster choke holds. These wrestlers wanted to kill each other. For better or worse, Giant Gonzales dominated much of the match but The Undertaker kept getting up at every attack. Giant Gonzales put up a never ending sleeper/choke hold on The Undertaker that took The Undertake to his knees. With the urn raised though, he rose back up. Gonzales throws him right out of the ring after this though. Once again, Undertaker keeps raising up; truly the living dead. Then 9 minutes in the match the Undertaker finally takes control with massive choke smashes to Giant Gonzales’s throat. For the first time in the Giants career he falls to the canvas. The match gets Dqued in Undertaker’s favor at the end when Giant Gonzales decides to attack everyone including Paul Bearer, all the Referees who come down to take a out a possibly unconscious Undertaker who was seemingly chocked to death by Giant Gonzales towards the end. As The Undertaker is being wheeled out on a stretcher though (with Giant Gonzalez still in the ring). Just as The Undertaker is finally wheeled into the backstage he comes back out with a new disposition that has never showed before. He comes back to the ring not in his traditional slow funeral march, but walks titled ready for street brawl with Giant Gonzales. He comes back in and starts slugging Giant Gonzales in the face. After three clotheslines, Giant Gonzales goes down for good. Gonzalez tries to get out of the ring but the Undertaker follows him (with Bearer trying to restrain him). The match ends with 10 official security men coming out to break up the match. This match was really a tie. No matter how hard Gonzales would crush Undertaker he wouldn’t stay down. This match could theoretically go on forever making it one of the greatest matches of all time.

5. Ric Flair VS Ricky Steamboat (Wrestlemania ‘89)

Ric Flair was involved in many great matches throughout his storied career but none on par with Ricky Steamboat in Wrestlemania ‘89. Ricky the Dragon Steamboat was involved in many great matches himself often carrying matches where he looked like the better wrestler but lost. Never in a match did near falls look so believable. What you had on your hand were two natural wrestlers wrestling naturally (Ric Flair is not nominated “The Nature Boy” for nothing). The contest was a back and forth matchup that ended abruptly in Rick Flair rolling of Steamboat for the 3 count just after Steamboats domination of Flair throughout the ending of the match. A simple slam turned into a perfect roll up with Ric Flair using his wrestling prowess to get himself out of a jam with someone that was clearly overmatching him. Ric Flair though had more tricks than any wrestler in history. This is a perfect example of those sudden tricks.

4. Undertaker Vs Hulk Hogan (Survivor Series 1991)

For what it’s worth, the most tragic moment that ever happened in the WWF was when The Undertaker beat Hulk Hogan in the Survivor Series 1991. It was so severe that McMahon immediately had to setup a match the week later where Hogan regained the belt because of how dramatic of a loss it was. People were crying in the audience, people were saying they were never watch wrestling again because of how sad they were. This is staged-wrestling by the way and this match was about to crush an industry. The match itself showed The Undertaker in his prime; not showing any emotion, being impervious to pain, and dominating most of the match. Hogan was thoroughly dominated during the whole match. The Undertaker showed agility that no one his size in the WWF had ever shown. Just watch his flying fist late in the match and how quickly he turns towards the urn after. It was during Undertakers first Tombstone though where Hogan immediately got up, something that Gorilla Monsoon would say had never happened before. Undertaker regardless kept after Hogan. Ric Flair (who was grudging with Hogan at the time) came down to the ring and Hogan took his eye off the prize. He went outside the ring to attack Flair. After Hogan got back into the ring, fighting ensued including a big boot from Hogan to the Undertaker. Undertaker got up immediately picked up Hogan and Tombstoned him on a chair that Flair put on the ring (of course Hogan’s head was about a good foot away from touching the chair). It was after this that The Undertaker pinned the Undertaker and for a moment the wrestling world turned upside down. There has never been a more dramatic and somber crowd reaction then after this pin count in WWF history. People just couldn’t believe it. Their hero was destroyed and eternal tragedy reigned! If only McMahon could have let this affect linger on a little longer, he might have been regarded as a modern Wagner!

3. Bret Hart Vs Mr. Perfect (Summerslam 91)

Bret Hart vs Mr.Perfect Summerslam 1991(Intercontinental Title)

Ankit | MySpace VideoYou put these two in the ring and you’re going to get both a great wrestling match and a show. Every time Mr.Perfect knocks down Bret Hart, Bret Hart counters with a kick from the ground that sends Mr. Perfect flying. They both quickly get to their feat where Bret Heart bodyslams Perfect. This match happens quick because these wrestlers have endurance and an infinite amount of moves. This match goes back and forth between perfect wrestling and street brawl. You can see the amount of energy that each put into the match by how hard Bret Hart is breathing and Mr.Perfect’s blue tights getting ripped off. Mr. Perfect executes perfect back body drops. The match becomes best when it becomes pure improv. Bret Hart will swing Mr.Perfect off the ropes and Mr.Perfect will clutch on with a sleeper hold. This play goes back and forth for awhile. The best part of this match is how perfectly everything is executed from suplexes to elbows off the top ropes. The match ends with Hart sharp-shootering Mr. Perfect in the center of the ring where Hart becomes the new intercontinental champion. As far as a more perfectly executed match goes, nothing beat this; after all Mr. Perfect is in it.

2. Hulk Hogan Vs Andre the Giant (Wrestlemania 3)

In the intro, when talking about matches that changed the WWF, Hulk Hogan VS Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania one was probably the biggest one. In the Pontiac Silver Dome, a jam packed arena watched as the two most important figures in wrestling history battled it out not just for the championship, but for who was the king of all wrestling. The match is slow, mainly because Andre is starting to have severe pain at this time in his life. Hogan sells a lot of the match when Andre is in so much pain that he can’t stand up. There are literally times where Hogan is helping him up. The match picks up when Hogan first wanted to end it by body slamming Andre. This failed though and Hogan buckled under the massive weight of the Giant. You can see on Andre’s face that the match was supposed to end there. Andre in pain knew he would have to help Hogan slam him to end it. With all the strength he could muster, he jumped slightly when Hogan tried the second time to slam him and Hogan accomplished the seemingly non-accomplishable. It was here that wrestling changed. It wasn’t with Hogan’s pin or leg drop; it was with the body slam that Hogan became the eternal hero of the WWF. The context of the match has as much to do with it’s greatness as the wrestling. It’s an emotional moment, certainly one of the WWF’s finest.

1. Bret Hart Vs British Bulldog (Summerslam 92)

If you’re going to base this list on the greatest pure wrestling in WWF history than this would be the best match. It’s an experience watching this match. There are so many near falls that you start losing count. The match becomes one near fall after another. Every move each put on each other is a feeling of ending the match. Hart puts the Bulldog in a sharpshooter and Bulldog of course gets to the ropes. The two real life brother in laws would continue making an expose of pure wrestling magic. Bret was using ever move in the book from suplexes to power slams, to gorilla presses. Davey Boy was showing off his strength by bench pressing Hart and slamming him to the ring at all possible chances along with catching him in mid air off the ropes numerous times. The match ended abruptly with Bulldog reversing a sunset flip for a perfect roll up that got the 3 count just in nick time before Hart was able to kick out. One needs to watch this match to experience all the amazing wrestling in it. It was a long match too; a long match of near-perfect execution and endurance, a one for the ages.

10. Million Dollar Dream

This variation of the sleeper hold that The Million Dollar Man executed put all jobbers to sleep. Dibiase would take the jobber’s arm and put it across his throat and then he would put his other arm and apply as much pressure as possible to the neck region. The conclusion? The end of the jobber and his dreams of beating the sly and elusive Million Dollar Man. The end of thinking that he could take the Million Dollar Belt away from The Million Dollar Man. This wasn’t a spectacular move but it yielded it’s exact consequences; the end of a match and the usually the end of the jobber’s 2 month stay in the WWF.

9. Leg Drop

Probably the worst finishing move of all time is also one of the best. I’m quite certain that Hogan could leg drop me 1,000 times and I would get up after the 1,000th time and ask him if he wanted to go get something to eat somewhere. But in the staged wrestling world, The Leg Drop meant everything. It meant the end of the wrestler (except for The Undertaker and The Ultimate Warrior). The lying wrestler would slightly flop as if to signify he was unconscious from the phantom Leg Drop. The degenerate crowd would erupt as if the Leg Drop actually had an impact.

8. Sweet Chin Music

Shawn Michaels executed his finishing move to perfection, showing that he was really an expert at karate. He would get full extension with his leg and kick his opponent into unconsciousness, including the infamous scene in the barbershop where he high kicked Marty Geneti and then subsequently threw him into the glass. Shawn Michaels would have trouble shaking off his heel persona slowly after this, which isn’t a bad thing. Some wrestlers just have it in them to be heels. This move would come suddenly and quickly. When it hit, it was over. Even though this is fake wrestling, you could hear it for miles away. The opponent was actually taking a hit. When watching this move, you could see just how devastating it was.

7. Superfly Splash

Superfly Jimmy Snuka was a high flying character from the rainforest, anthropomorphizing a jungle animal. It was only appropriate that his finishing move involved flying off the top turnbuckle. He wouldn’t just jump off the top ropes either, he would fly off them with arms extended right onto the opponent’s belly, knocking the wind out of him for good. Cameras would all be shooting when Superfly performed this incredible move. No wrestler had flown as high as Superfly. This was more than a memorable finishing move and will always be attempted by those early wrestling fans. Only the degenerates will get hurt though.

6. The Brutal Banzai

The Banzai Drop was a real leg drop because it was coming from someone who was over 500 pounds. This shit could suffocate you. But Yokozuna also had a better finishing move with the Brutal Banzai where he would drag his opponent towards the turnbuckles. Yokozuna would then get on the second ropes and jump off landing his fat ass right on the chest of the opponent. This was hard to watch. When I was young, I always had to turn away when watching this move. How could wrestlers just sit under Yokozuna fat ass even for the 3 count. They must have been breathing for their life during that time. Yokozuna had many refreshing things about him because he was so opposite of the big men that came before him who were just loafs with no endurance.

5. DDT

The DDT by Jake the Snake Roberts was explosive. Like The Perfect Plex, the beauty of the move was that it came from out of nowhere. The wrestling fan could be looking at something else besides the TV screen for just a second before Jake ruthlessly DDT’ed someone to the canvas. The move happened in a matter of seconds and left the jobber unconscious for Jake to pin. Jake’s ruthless nature sometimes made him do 2 or 3 DDT’s to an opponent. Jake loved being the heel. He had the blood of Judas in him and felt no mercy for anyone. A devastating move at such a quick speed, this had to be in the top 10 finishing moves of all time.

4. Tombstone

The Tombstone spelt a certain end for every opponent (except for Hogan). When Undertaker hoisted up the opponent and planted him into his knees, it was doomsday. The Undertaker would then go on to fold up the arms of the opponent as if they were dead and pin him with his eyes rolling back in his head. This was one of the deadliest finishing moves in WWF history. The fact that Hogan was the only one would could get up from it told you something about it’s cataclysmic nature. The crowd would come to an abrupt hush after the Tombstone was executed. The Grim Reaper would prevail again as one of the most dominate wrestlers of all time.

3. Sharpshooter

If you were in the sharpshooter, you were done unless you were near the ropes, which happened to be about 50% of the people that Bret Hart executed the Sharp Shooter on. If you were in the middle of the ring though (which means you were most likely a jobber), you were done for. The move would crack your back if you didn’t call for submission. Bret Hart didn’t just execute the Sharpshooter though. He put so much pressure on your back during the execution that only the strongest could survive past 5 seconds. Always executed with greatness, The Sharpshooter was one of the most memorable finishing moves.

2. Razor’s Edge

The Razor’s Edge was technically one of the best finishing moves of all time. This took major athleticism and an incredible amount of creativity to come up with. Razor Ramon would perilously hoist a wrestler by his arm pits and smash him down on his neck. If this was done with vigor this could actually hurt someone. Seeing the spectacle of the Razor’s Edge though was incredible. It’s often forgotten in Razor Ramon’s feckless disposition. When Razor wanted to wrestle though, he did and he would destroy opponents with this grandiose finishing move. Great idea. I would give as much credit to whoever came up with the idea.

1. Perfect Plex

Mr. Perfect’s Perfect Plex actually wouldn’t hurt the wrestler, it would just put them in an interminable position of never being able to kick out of it. It was done with perfect execution only known to the excellence of execution; Mr. Perfect, and it would happen any time in the match. The power of certain finishing moves is that you never know when they’re going to happen. This was the case with the Perfect Plex. What looked liked a simple attempt at a suplex could spell the end for the wrestler as the suplex was actually a Perfect Plex. The true wrestler that he was, he was deserving of a such a perfect finishing move.