I saw a special on Fox that said that NASA faked the Moon landings. Is this true?

Yes everything of Fox is true. It’s true and well researched. It’s true, well researched, and completely non-biased. It’s true, well researched, completely non-biased, and does not have an agenda. It’s true, well researched, completely non-biased, does not have an agenda, and is not evil. It’s true, well researched, completely non-biased, does not have an agenda, is not evil, and always makes perfect sense.

Is it true that Freemasons secretly control the world through international banking?

Did Mary have a little lamb? Was that little lamb’s fleece as white as snow? Did that little lamb follow Mary every where she went? Including to school one day, school one day, school one day? Did said lamb make the children laugh and play? Did the teacher turn the poor lamb out? And did the lamb wait patiently? Yes. Why you ask, well according to the teacher the lamb loved Mary. Does that answer this question?

Is Atlantis real?

Yes. For exact reasons please see the answer to the above question which states the reasons out more obviously. As you will see it turns to have to do with lambs, children, and teachers. We were shocked too.

Was the US government behind 9/11?

Normally I would agree with this theory but lets look at the facts. George W. Bush is easily the least intelligent human being to ever run anything, including this country. His entire life, and generally his presidency, are considered to be a failure. So with him at the head of the government believing this theory gives GW a splash too much credit. Granted he wanted a war and he did get one but I think it was more the fault of crazy Islamic people than the U.S. government

What is your theory about who built the pyramids in Ancient Egypt?

Our guess is Egyptians. Lots of them.

Do you know where I can find a copy of the Necronomicon?

Ahhh you mean The Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, the ancient Sumerian text which contained bizarre burial rights, funeral incantations, and demon resurrection passages. Last I saw it was in a graveyard somewhere. But before you pick it up remember to say these three words;  Klatu Barada Nicto, or Necktie, or Nectum, or Nickel, hmmm it’s definitely an N-word. Anyway be careful, it was never meant for the world of the living.

Is it true that the world leaders all secretly worship Satan?

Yes, obviously.

I’ve read that Swine flu is part of a government conspiracy to keep out illegal immigrants. With democrats moving forward on legalizing illegals, anti-immigration forces had no options left. The flu will be used to l close the borders once and for all, and reduce the population trying to get over the border in one ‘final solution’. Is this true?

For the record no democrat is trying to ‘legalize’ illegal immigrants. We here at OW love how desperate conservatives try to claim this. The Republicans (which is the same to say “Rich white people”) had 8 years with the most conservative president ever and were unable to solve the problem of illegal immigration, if anything it got much worse. Bush even tried to offer a temporary work permit deal that was blocked in a democratic congress. Then the rich white people lost control of the entire government and went crazy when a black man took office. Rich white people do not like black people, especially smart progressive thinking ones. But I digress. So what your saying is that the government made a virus that would target only people that are trying to cross the mexican/us border? Well it worked right? I mean only sneaky Mexicans got the flu and there are no more day workers at my Home Depot. Wait, everyone got the flu…hmm still no day workers though…wait is that because Bush tanked the economy? Well it seems Bush did fix the problem.

Today the particle accelerator in Geneva has been fired up, some scientist think this experiment might create a black hole (alias a small amount of neutron matter=neutron star=black hole) do you think we are looking at a power source similar to the romulan one? spoken of in the episode of TNG “Time Squared” just curious about your opinion, I hope it will bring us closer to dilithium crystal fusion

There are so many things wrong with this question I have no idea where to start. Neutron matter does not equal neutron star which does not equal a black hole. They are very different things. I have no idea what Romulans use for power but do know that there is no such thing as dilithium crystals. Lithium is the third element in the periodic table and contains one electron in it’s valence shell. It is highly reactive and quickly forms a black oxide layer when exposed to moist environments. It can be made into crystals which form a BCC unit cell that contain 2 atoms per cell. That being said the word dilithium is meaningless. Our opinion is that you, like most of our readers, is a gigantic weirdo who thinks they understand science because they like Start Trek. The accelerator in Geneva will bring us no closer to understanding an episode of Star Trek, it may bring us closer to understanding how the universe was created and fundamentals of subatomic particles.

Where and when did the letter Q come from?

From the alphabet. It’s roots are from the ancient Egyptian hieroglyph and semitic word for ‘cord of wool.’ The exact when is up for debate as written records for that time tend to not write about the written records themselves.

Will they ever do a Star Trek Voyager movie?

Let’s hope not. God was that show terrible. They only thing that saved it was that we got to see the Borg own a good 1/4 of the galaxy. That was great. They should do an entire show on the Borg. I hated that show.

In the episode The Naked Now Just before the star collapses, the Enterprise is seen, in orbit, hovering over the Tsiolkovsky. But in the next scene, the star collapses and the Enterprise is 15 minutes away.

Really!?!? In the next scene!?!? Wow, hmmm, does that mean the advanced the story without the permission of the viewer? Wait is this even a question or are you just telling us that it happened. I don’t understand.

Why has no one ever recorded the lyrics to the original Star Trek theme?

Are there lyrics to the star trek theme? I thought it was because Gene Roddenberry loved classical music and just wanted a simple intro. Who cares?

In the holodeck, Data throws a rock at the wall. It hits the wall and the image of green plants temporarily blurs into squares. Shouldn’t the holodeck dissolve the rock and show a picture of the rock landing on the ground?

What!?!? That’s terrible. Those holodecks are always causing problems. I guess you’re right I don’t know though.

Ask Old-Wizard, Star Trek Edition, Part 1

Why do Americans hate the French so much?

Good question, I don’t know the exact answer. If it wasn’t for the French we wouldn’t have won the Revolutionary War, we wouldn’t have bought the Louisiana territory (an incredibly cheap deal made between Jefferson and Napoleon because the later needed some quick cash to trash the rest of Europe), or the Statue of Liberty. Historically we should like them, but they smell bad, eat weird things, have bad attitudes, and won’t give you extra syrup for hot cakes at McDonalds. Maybe the reason we don’t like them is that we had to save their asses twice from the Germans and still they had bad attitudes

Why are vacations in France longer than in the US?

I want to say that the French are lazy, because that would be funny, but I actually agree with this one. Stress at the work place is far from productive and vacations help get rid of that.

I am going to Paris. What do I HAVE to do while I am there?

I went to Paris once too. My hotel was near the Eiffel Tower,  at least I think. Somewhere within walking distance from the hotel is a McDonalds, it’s on a corner if that helps. Go into this McDonalds during the morning hours and order hot cakes, if they are still on the menu ( I haven’t eaten at one in many years). Now this set of hot cakes will come with one syrup cup, which by American standards is far from enough. Pay attention because this is the tricky part, return to the counter and ask for an extra syrup cup. Most likely they will give you a shitty attitude, don’t let that phase you, stay strong and get your extra syrup…..for America. This is something you HAVE to do while you are there.

I went to France.  The people were great what did you think?

You are obviously a French infiltrator trying to manipulate the opinions of us good and decent people. Nice try, we know you are all salty and superior acting, even though you are sticky and stupid. Nice try, Frenchman!

Have you ever had your picture taken with the Eiffel Tower as background?

Yes.

What is the worst time to say “Voila!”?

Right when you take your pants off.

What are some Napoleonic war strategies?

Well there’s the classic pincher move, the loopty loop, the 5 second rule, no givesys backsies, the Indian arm burn, calling it, running away, popping a wheelie, the human shield, bending, attack and release, and so on.

Is Mario And luigi gay lovers?

No they are brothers.

Is the Mario Bros real?

Yes they are. They are two brothers who eat mushrooms and flowers, wear weird suits and capes, and save princesses from gigantic lizards. We thought that this was obvious.

How old are Mario and Luigi?

Depends. Did they go straight to trade school right out of high school? Did they apprentice right away? Maybe they decided to travel the world first, find themselves, see the aqueducts, and once they understood what it truly meant to be a plumber, then go back to school. So they could be anywhere between 18 and 40.

Why can’t Sonic be better than Mario My brother always was thinking that Sonic is better?

Your brother is obviously stupid. Sonic is not a bad game it’s just not a great game. You see, Mario Brothers is ground breaking, creative, and, at the time, completely new and different. Mario pushes the borders of gaming. Sonic, and Sega in general, are more of the status quo. Sonic was derivative, which means ‘loose copy of.’ You see, in terms of marketing it was close enough to Mario, but also just different enough to attempt compete with Mario. Sega was never capable of being truly new and innovative, they only pushed the boundary for the sake of pushing boundary, which is one of the many reasons they failed. Sonic can’t be better than Mario because Mario is better than Sonic. Do you see? It’s really quite simple.

Karl asks, I have noticed on scenes from the original series that on the bottom of the saucer section of the “Enterprise” there are two triangle shape images on either side of the bottom. My blue prints do not mention anything on this, do you have any ideals?

Really!?!? Let me check my blue prints… no mine shows two triangles on either side of the bottom. It would seem to me either you don’t know how to read blueprints or someone fell for the ‘fake enterprise blueprint routine’. Sorry it happens to the best of us.

Jerry asks, How much does commander Data weigh?

I wouldn’t imagine that much. I mean circuit boards don’t weigh that much, and then there’s plastic.

Arthur asks, I do not understand how you figure out the star date. Is this concept real? Does anyone use this method to calculate the date? and if so, what is the conversion? How do you come up with the star date? and what is the star date today? Thanks.

The simplest method of calculating the star date is as follows. Take the current date, and count the number of stars visible in the sky from the hours of 10PM to 4:15AM. Now subtract the total number of spaceships and or space stations in orbit around your planet. If that number is less than one you’ll have to add the number of full moons from that day to the day after your birthday and subtract the total number of Sunspots that were present during the last three vernal equinoxes. Now, if the number is greater than one, the problem becomes much more difficult as you will need the first and second fundamental laws of calculus and a sturdy abacus…. Of course the star date is isn’t real.

Miller asks, Why is captain Pickard bald? Shouldn’t they have discovered the cure for baldness by then?

Picard is a warrior in the truest of senses. He keeps his baldness to make himself more efficient in battle. And he is played by an actor from the current century where baldness hasn’t been cured, so yeah there’s that….

Shawn asks, How do I know that you’re not a Romulan?

Romulans are a fake species from a fictional television series.

Pete asks, For future Trek: Do you expect SF to accept their first (shown) full-blooded Romulan? Would you like to see it or are the Rommies sacred ground for evil in ST universe?

The Rommies? Really, Rommies? You just said Rommies. The truth is that we here at OW are actually fans of Star Trek, but of course, as with Star Wars and, most recently, LOTR, nerds ruin everything. To be honest, I don’t know what sacred ground in the ‘ST’ universe is. I know ‘ST’ is a fairly well written science fiction show that I enjoy watching, but the fans are the worst. I can’t believe you would say Rommie. God, that’s so lame. You’re lame.

Ryan asks, Would you date a Ferengi?

No.

Adam asks, Space is a bit dull. So why does the Starship Enterprise have windows?

Yeah who would want to go to space and see stuff. You’re right.

Zack asks, Do the Borg have sex?

Nope.

Paul asks, How does it feel to be assimilated?

Like being a teenager. You don’t know who you are anymore, generally just follow the crowd, listen to the voices in your head, try to make everyone else be like you, and criticize those who don’t follow you and yours.

Matt asks, Were the changelings always shapeshifters or did they evolve from solids????

They evolved, duh.. that was in episode 1234ABCD of the 6th season of DS9. Everyone knows that episode. You must not be a real Trekkie, as a real Trekkie would know that. I hate the fans of most things I like. Trekkies are almost as had as Dave Mathews fans. I like the band but hate the fans same with Star Wars. I wonder who’s worse at ruining things Star Wars fans or Star Trek fans.

Dave asks, I took a Star Trek personality test today and I am apparantly akin to Quark the Ferengi. Which Star Trek character you think you are most like?

We would be awesome. That’s not technically a character in Star Trek but we would most like to be awesome.

Chris asks, Why do aliens from across the galaxy speak perfect English?

Universal translators, plus English is pretty common.

Kevin asks, Yesterday, I came across a glitch on my second season DVDs of DS9 (I own the North American set), and I was wondering if it’s just a bad disc or if anybody else has that problem. When I watched the episode “Crossover”, during the teaser, specifically during the first shot of Mirror Terok Nor in orbit of Bajor, both picture and sound freeze for a second. I could reproduce the glitch on both my standalone DVD player and my computer. The disc doesn’t have any visible damage or dirt. Any help in the matter would be greatly appreciated.

Yes this is a common problem for the North American set it, however the south American sets are perfect. The only difference being the South American set is in Spanish.

Related Posts: Ask Old-Wizard: Star Wars, Ask Old-Wizard: Lord of the Rings

Arthur asks, Who is the oldest brother in Super Mario Brothers?

Mario.

Ken K. asks, If the Super Mario theme could have lyrics, what would they say?

This is a surprisingly good question. What would the Mario brothers lyrics say? Would it be a theme to the working man and the struggling plumber? Or perhaps they would be more whimsical to reflect the strange situation that the brothers find themselves in. Maybe they would be an epic trilogy describing the plight of the mushroom kingdom, the arrival of the Mario and Luigi as the saviors, and the eventual defeat of the evil King Koopa. Might they include references to drug use and abuse that the game itself hints at, or maybe they are very serious to reflect goal of saving a kidnapped princess? Unfortunately we will never know what words we should sing along to this masterpiece of video gaming, but it is certainly fun to think about.

Jimmy asks, Why do I have that Super Mario Bros. (the original) song in my head?

Maybe you are subconsciously trying to figure out the lyrics.

Adam asks, Are mac computers better then dell computers?

Macintosh and all things apple.

Paul asks, What is the Illuminati conspiracy?

Something to do with candles I bet. I think when the light bulb was invented the candle industry got worried so they started this crazy rumor that light bulbs have an STD. Then the light bulb industry got all pissed off because they obviously don’t have an STD and started saying that the candle industry is a liar and is always so fake. So then the light bulb industry was totally like “Not Uh” and decided to go shopping with all it’s new money. But then they totally saw each other at the mall and the candle industry was all like “I saw your boyfriend making out with lighter industry after you guys were going steady” and the light bulb industry was like ” So, I made out with wick industry while you guys were going out before me and the lighter industry hooked up, and the lighter industry left you because you’re old” and then the candle industry is like “Bitch I dumped the lighter industry cus they’re totally lame and you guys can just go be lame together, I totally don’t care.” Then they started pulling each others hair or something.

Do you guys think that the US government is hiding the existence of UFOs from the public?

Of course. Though I think we might have answered this question before. I would also bet that the answer was funny and made fun of the person who asked the question. There is also little doubt that it was incredibly sarcastic, a little rude, and possibly even downright mean. Also, despite the sarcasm being thicker than the shag rug at your Grandmother’s house, some idiot probably left a comment thinking that we were serious. Then, of course, there is that one guy he keeps emailing us all these crazy conspiracy theory questions expecting us to actually do real research and give him real answers. Instead we make fun of him every single time, but this does not dissuade him at all. And then there are still those people who think were serious… idiots.

Do you think science is a conspiracy theory?

Of course it is. I mean let’s think about it. In order to understand science you have to understand math, and who can do that? Mixing letters and numbers sounds like a conspiracy to me. But on closer examination it gets even deeper. You see, what science does is take very complicated things and explains them very simply. And who wants that? Not us, that’s for sure. When something doesn’t make sense to me it must of course be the work of some higher power. Lightning? God. Tides? God. Popcorn? God. Microwaves? God. If you want a good explanation of how the world works just read the Bible or listen to your local government. Science is a waste of time, who needs all that logic, careful reasoning, provable results, empirical evidence, new advances, and medical improvements? When I turn my cell phone on I know its powered by God, not science thats for sure. And you know what else? My car runs on God juice, the thing in Aspirin that gets rid of my headache? Also God, and I’m pretty sure that God is responsible for my Christmas lights.

Who do you think killed JFK?

Probably the same guy who killed Biggie and Tupac. Or maybe even the aliens that the government is hiding. I bet they got so annoyed that they weren’t allowed to integrate into our society that they decided to kill the President. That adds all the the conspiracies into one for convenience.

To those who think science claims man came from monkeys or that theory is just a flimsy set of guesses, why don’t you read some real science by real scientists, who believe evolution before judging it?

Is this a question or a statement? Or maybe just an open letter of some sort? Are you for evolution or against it? This easily one of the more confusing emails we have ever gotten. We don’t believe that a theory is a flimsy set of guesses and we have read real science by real scientists. That still doesn’t answer the question of whether you are for or against science. I don’t think any science claims that man came from monkeys exactly, I believe its more of a parallel evolution of some sort, we are of course genetically different, though similar. I’m not sure what else we can say about this because nobody can figure out what in the world you are talking about.

Do you subscribe more to the conspiracy theory of government and big business or do you think incompetence is more the rule?

I would imagine things are more in the middle. Big business obviously effects the way our government does things, but when you look at our current president you can see that we are often ruled by incompetent idiots.

Do you ever think that the world could be just like the matrix? or something else? what is your theory?

The Matrix is far from an original idea. Descartes proposed this idea a long time ago in his meditations on the nature of philosophy. He concluded in his famous statement “cogito ergo sum,” I think therefore I am. The movie that you are referring to capitalized on this idea and combined it with computer science to make a great movie. Seeing as though robotics in general has still been unable to provide us with any thing that can think remotely on its own or even walk up right in a natural way, I don’t really think that robots are going to take over the world and turn us into their power source. Many scientists are calling robotics one of the biggest failures of modern science. Our theory is that most people are idiots and buy into stupid ideas because it sounds cool. I hope you’re not one of them.

Bob asks, WHY don’t the aliens, if they are real, just land on the White House lawn and say “Take me to your leader.”?

The white house lawn is really small and has a number of trees on it. I would imagine that even an experienced pilot would have difficulty finding a proper place to put ‘er down. Now I know what you’re saying, “a helicopter lands there all the time”. Well you’re right. So I guess I don’t know.

Doug asks, Why in the world would aliens want to come here? Wouldn’t you say that we are nothing more than a primitive society whose major activity is clearly tribal warfare?

Why did Europeans want to go to Africa and the Americas? Resources my friend, resources and money. If history is has taught us anything, its that its never good when a highly advanced society meets a much less advanced one. I imagine we would make great slaves or possibly food. I also imagine that all of our minerals and resources would plundered and the Earth destroyed.

Bill asks, Did God create life on other planets? Otherwise why is the universe so big?

How do you know the universe is so big? Maybe Earth is the only planet and the stars revolve around us. I imagine if God is all powerful he could make it look like the universe is really big but its actually isn’t.

Bill asks, Did Ezekial see a UFO?

I’m very sorry but I was raised by hippies and have rarely ever set foot in a church. I assume Ezekiel is a character in the Bible and am aware of the basic plot of the book, but details of it have never interested me. Somebody begot somebody and so on… So I can’t tell you what Ezekiel saw. For all I know he was blind and enjoyed disco.

Bill asks, Was Noah a Martian?

Ahhh the boat guy. I would say “no”, but then again I’m just guessing. I had a 50/50 shot at it so I went for it…. Do I regret it? No.

Jerry asks, Is global warming part of an ‘alien agenda’?

I see what your saying, are they trying to make us sweat it out? Hmmmm interesting theory, but why…. Maybe they need a nice warn vacation spot, lots of beaches, less humans, remote. That could work. Throw up a few condos a couple themed bars and you got yourself a good ole’ fashioned resort. So yes for these reasons and these reasons alone I feel that global warming is part of an ‘alien agenda.’ But only for these reasons.

Adam asks, Should we search for extraterrestrial intelligence?

Nah, I say lets let them find us. If they are so smart with their ships and what not, why should we do all the work?

Sara asks, Is the government covering up the existence of ETs?

No I saw the movie, but I didn’t think it was as great as everyone else did.

Tim asks, Do you believe in the theory of gravity?

Absolutely not. Its just another case of scientist making up crazy theories.

Henry asks, What would happen if I shot a gun in space?

Depends if you have a license to carry a concealed weapon in space and whether or not you hit someone. I imagine you would end up in jail or possibly a large fee.

Jeff asks, I just read that scientists actually came within one ten millionith of a degree from reaching Absolute Zero, back in 2000 bu have not been able to get any closer. How much would that suck to be those scientists? Sooo close, but no cigar.

LOL. I hadn’t thought of it that way, I bet they went home and cried. Then they tried make ice cream but only got cream and then they tried to build a tree fort but only got a back porch. Ehhh… well that’s all I got. This was fun.

James asks, Why is there light on earth from the sun, but yet in space, it is black?

In order to see something light has to reflect off it, black is total absorption (i.e. no reflection), so when nothing reflects it looks black like space.

Eric asks, What is the fifth dimension?

Its the one right past the fourth but before the sixth. You can’t miss it.

Jared asks, What is the most destructive weapon in the world, which does not use nuclear power? (Real weapons, not metaphors like “Hate”)

I would say non-nuclear missiles, or maybe biological stuff. Things that burn, or melt you are pretty powerful. I would rather be vaporized by a nuclear weapon than die slowly from fire or some crazy disease that makes your eyes fall out. Greed is pretty powerful too.

Liam asks, Which law of physics best describes you?

I would say conservation of Mass. I eat a lot but don’t seem to get fat.

Stephen asks, Are you a “Dark Matter Theory” or “Modified Newtonian Physics” kind of person? Do you create something invisible to explain the world or just change the rules?

We here at OW are rule changers. We see the status quo and then do awesome things that force the world to change. We’re different, trend setters if you will. The cool kids that are smart, and incredibly sexy. So yeah, ladies, let us know, most of us are single.

Shawn asks, What do you know about the theory of everything?

Nothing.

Nicole asks, Who knows the equasion for gravity

I bet Newton and anyone who has taken an intro physics class.

Dawn asks, What is the benefit of studies if we are not going to imbibe in our daily life?

Imbibe? Is that a word? I think it means drink, are we going drink our studies? I’m not sure that’s a good idea, don’t most schools have a problem with imbibing?

Phil asks, The Large Hadron Collider, the world’s biggest atom smasher, started up this month. Scientists predict collisions of sub-atomic particles produced by the LHC. Is anyone worried about ‘black holes?’

Lord knows I am. As we all know scientists are the agents of Satan and this device is a gate for Satan. So forget black holes, I’m worried about Satan.

Joe asks, What is another name for a circular particle accelerator?

What? I don’t know. A round particle accelerator?

Corey asks, What’s the most unusual D&D character you’ve ever created and been allowed to play? (Mine’s a troll paladin, btw.)

I once made a Grig thief, I believe. But to be honest, although we used to play D and D every weekend while we were in high school, we never played a full game, because at one point or another our group would all declare some sort of mass war and everyone would end up dead. We also learned that most of the people who played this game had a number of the following properties: lack of social grace, distinctive offensive odors, an abundance of fat, a propensity for pornography, signs of pedophilia, and in ability to relate to the society at large.

Matt asks, During the course of an adventure my character has taken a goblin captive. The intention was to question it for information but now I’ve grown attached to the bugger so I’ve decided to keep it. Now I need a name, what should I name it?

It should be ‘I’m a giant weirdo,’ mainly because it describes you.

Jay asks, What is the difference between a gnome and a halfling? Does anyone care?

To answer your second question first; no. The difference between a gnome and a halfling is that one is a gnome and the other is a halfling.

Jordan asks, What is a good name for an effeminate ninja-esque character in a DnD game?

Gay Queerington

Mike asks, Have you ever killed the Tarrasque before? With out getting hurt. I Have.

Have you ever got down with a chick, without paying for it? I have.

Tim asks, As a Druid, if I Wild Shape into a bird, how much weight can I pick up and fly with if I wanted to carry a companion?

Well standard bird weight carrying limits are roughly 27.8453 kilos. So yeah… I don’t know, aren’t there books about this?

Alex asks, Could a 4th level dwarf and a 6th level half-elf magician slay a gelatanous cube?

Depends what flavor and brand. If its Jell-o brand gelatinous cube then no you would need to at least level 10.

Joe asks, Why are the dragons in dungeons and dragons simply named after their color? They were creative enough when they named things like Tieflings and Duerger. Which are just variations of the standard races.

Dragons are traditionally named after their color as per Chinese lore. Plus its easier.

Nick asks, What’s the best website to learn how to play dungeons and dragons?

Probably dungeons and dragons dot com.

Tom asks, How do you level up a druid’s animal companion? Since my dm won’t let me have dinosaurs at level 7, he let me have a large air elemental. Any info would help, including how many HD to add.

Your DM is a jerk. I would fight him. I mean what druid doesn’t have a dinosaur as a pet? I know I do. It sounds like he doesn’t know what he’s doing.