10. Krautrock

Krautrock is a peculiar genre in the fact that it spawned great music that was not ashamed to admit that it was influenced by the Krautrock genre.  The difference was, the modern musician sped up the trance that was supposed to happen in Krautrock, and created forms of trance, whether in the genre of house or rock in general.  Going back to the “oldies but goodies” though, one has to endure a session of a Neu album, unless of course one wants to put on inconspicuous background music.  If that’s the case, there’s much better played elevator music  for this like Johnny Mandel  and any lounge music in general.  Just as long as it’s not Nickelback, it will serve as much better background music.  But something about sounded interesting, so of course it had to be good.  Interesting is relative, and so then Krautrock can be recognized as good while being the last thing anyone would listen to.

9. Modern R and B

Modern R and B has been the butt of many a comedian’s joke.  The pseudo-suave beginning with the protagonist speaking in a soft urban voice either expressing his “infinite” love of the other, or repenting from his sin of cheating on her.  It’s  from here that cheese blasts into pure comedy with strings swirling up to ostensibly capture the moment of the lovers highest affection for the other…or his phallic-mania masquerading as “love”, a term as ungrounded and relatively used as “God” and “Presence”, even more so than the later because of the cultural acceptance of the idea as a grund (primoris res).  Grounding of ungrounded ideas aside, the cheesiness of modern R and B is all pervading.  It’s  not just in the music, it’s in the videos too.  Hulking men professing love.  The dichotomy between physical strength and spiritual Eros?  In the West?  No, this isn’t Greek antiquity.  One is a mask for the other.  Which one you ask?  Last I heard the world population is growing exponentially.

8. Modern Blues

Traditional blues, the blues of Robert Johnson and Chuck Berry are undoubtedly the precursor to any form of pop music in general and should be privileged for because of it.  That musicians can continue playing what was played 70 years ago however is not strange to a culture whose fever for archiving anything that at one point was considered “good” is obsessive.  The absolute bore of listening to blues now after this many years is overbearing.  That musicians who play the style are not bored by it must find their motivations for playing the style in other grounds other than enjoying what they’re playing.  Pleasing an elderly audience?  Pleasing a younger crowd who parasitically followed an elderly audience?  Pleasing a dingy bar with people who like this style?  Something is going on with “Pleasing”, but it doesn’t have anything to do with music.

7. Punk

Punk music was always on it’s way with the flexibility of pop music starting from the 50’s.  It was only a matter of time that a group wouldn’t like it’s surrounding context because it appeared to a majority as “successful”.  Instead of personally doing away with the concept of success, and more importantly with what was considered as success, punk music found it’s grounding in not expressing it’s own psychological neuroses, much for the sake of finding it’s own success, because it couldn’t find it in it’s own context.  Now, this attitude is understandable at it’s inception.  For the reason of novelty  alone qualifies the act of punk, but that the genre so parasitically attached itself to anyone picking up an instrument is the problem of the style.  For anyone, any child, looking for an identity now, they can find it in a context they don’t currently occupy and chances are, never will.  Much like emo, without an appropriate subject for the musician, there’s an imaginary subject made up to exert one’s energy towards.  This making up of a subject to “rise against”, to always oppose itself too, sounds as flat as the notes being played in the genre.

6. Pop Metal

When you look on you tube under the term “Speed Metal” and “Grindcore” you find clips of adroit fans incessantly attacking what is perceived as fake Speed Metal and Grindcore.  Not coming from a Metal background, I can’t tell the difference but one thing came over my mind when listening to the music being compared, but what I do know is that these people have probably have so much disdain for pop metal that they don’t even consider it music.  While I would probably have different reasons for disliking Pop metal than a Grindcore purist, the singular complaint would probably be analogous.  It’s soft shit that tries to sound hard.  It doesn’t matter how big a bassist’s biceps are, if he’s still playing soft music, he’s soft.  The feigning for grittiness in bands like “Dead by April” and “A Day To Remember” is obvious.  No amount of tattoos can save either band from sounding like Ben Stiller in Dodgeball.

5. Mainstream Country

Modern Country is at least noticeable when it comes on the radio.  It only take less than a half a second to switch the channel because the sound of this emetic genre is so unpleasant.  It’s ultra polished, if not the most polished sound on modern radio, even more so than modern Hip Hop and R and B.  The goofy southern accent singer talks about what he usually talks about.  The ideas are too obvious to point out without feeling guilty of stating something so obvious.  Mainstream Country is the money train, where people go to relax and gain a sense of “home-goingness”, whatever that means…being at home, not moving, doing what your neighbor does, getting in a fight with your neighbor for a slight oscillation in personality that is perceived.  This music doesn’t move and doesn’t want to move.  It sits as comfortably as a patient with dementia in a retirement home.

4. Hip Hop

While Hip Hop’s roots were the grounds for some hypnotic grooves unheard of until its point, it was it’s aging form that became grossly overused.  No longer were good beats a matter for the modern Hip Hop musician, but was simply the objectification of sexual intercourse in every possible way; as if sex had not already lost it’s ostensible taboo in the 80’s with Madonna and other “express yourself” artists.  Of course maybe this was the “true” lifestyle of the hip hop musician.  Coming from the context of the Ghetto gives one the authority to do whatever they want, because after all they come from shit, so we must sympathize with this shittyness by simply being empathetic, meaning not having the right to see modern Hip Hop as absolutely unsubstantial and lacking in an power subtle enough to win for itself a legacy of class.  Bring on the leveling of culture through political correctness.  Hip Hop must deserve its privileged place as the thin line between money and caveman.

3. The Nickelback Genre or Mainstream FM “rock”

The Nickelback genre of music is so obviously a bad genre that even those who say they like it know it’s really bad.  If it’s randomly playing on FM radio in the backyard of raised ranch  backyard BBQ, people will hear it in the background and not say anything about it.  Only some will ever say they like the song, and will be convinced otherwise in a matter of seconds if they so easily can be grabbed by something so vacuous.  No one could even admit to liking the song on the grounds of a guilty pleasure.  It’s neither a pleasure nor a guilty pleasure to listen to, but a guiltless bad pleasure.  You’re just listening to a very definite idea of “bad” when listening to Nickelback and every band that sounds like them.  Unfortunately for a linguistics that would like to transcend the binary opposition of bad/good, it has to face the patent obviousness of bad in the Nickelback genre.  It’s powerfully bad.

2. Emo

When the luxury of a culture reaches it’s apex, the energy not being used by those who are unconsciously enjoying the luxury is often displaced into disingenuous forms.  In the case of Emo, this inappropriateness comes from an effusive (more accurately termed ‘mawkish’) reaction to one’s opulent surroundings.  This space for effusion is without an object.  The searching for an energetic object in this empty space creates a form of music that is strictly maudlin in character.  It’s maudlin for the sake of being maudlin.  Within an empty space, the effusion for any object in general to ruminate over creates unsubstantial objects for the sake of subjective yearning.  Romeo and Juliet, by prose and by time, lived within a context; this context was appropriate for their excessive yearning, the context of the late 20th century however was never appropriate for the type of yearning known in Emo.  No one seemed to  tell the self-identifying “Emo fan” that “it’s called life”.

1. Indie

The worst thing to happen to the elegance and taste of Pop music was Indie music.  The nauseating compulsion for every band to label themselves as “Indie” now is not difficult to understand.  The underlying premise of Indie music was unchecked creativity for the sake of itself.  The interest that one could muster into these bands would have to take thousands upon thousands of listens to “understand”; another premise of the style (that it was always and already in need of having to be understood).  Unchecked creativity is not guilty for some anachronistic, obscurely Christian idea of emptiness, but guilty of never having to think that creativity is in need of being checked.  The amount of bands that stemmed from the idea of “Indie” music was enormous just for this reason; because anyone could pick up any instrument, make any noise they wanted and it would be deemed as “good”, because anything that’s expressed is automatically “good”.  You no longer had to be a musician, no longer had to write good songs, no longer had to do anything other than to strike a note on any instrument to be privileged as  “innovative”; that bastardized term that has undermined the soul of inherent quality.

Karl asks, I have noticed on scenes from the original series that on the bottom of the saucer section of the “Enterprise” there are two triangle shape images on either side of the bottom. My blue prints do not mention anything on this, do you have any ideals?

Really!?!? Let me check my blue prints… no mine shows two triangles on either side of the bottom. It would seem to me either you don’t know how to read blueprints or someone fell for the ‘fake enterprise blueprint routine’. Sorry it happens to the best of us.

Jerry asks, How much does commander Data weigh?

I wouldn’t imagine that much. I mean circuit boards don’t weigh that much, and then there’s plastic.

Arthur asks, I do not understand how you figure out the star date. Is this concept real? Does anyone use this method to calculate the date? and if so, what is the conversion? How do you come up with the star date? and what is the star date today? Thanks.

The simplest method of calculating the star date is as follows. Take the current date, and count the number of stars visible in the sky from the hours of 10PM to 4:15AM. Now subtract the total number of spaceships and or space stations in orbit around your planet. If that number is less than one you’ll have to add the number of full moons from that day to the day after your birthday and subtract the total number of Sunspots that were present during the last three vernal equinoxes. Now, if the number is greater than one, the problem becomes much more difficult as you will need the first and second fundamental laws of calculus and a sturdy abacus…. Of course the star date is isn’t real.

Miller asks, Why is captain Pickard bald? Shouldn’t they have discovered the cure for baldness by then?

Picard is a warrior in the truest of senses. He keeps his baldness to make himself more efficient in battle. And he is played by an actor from the current century where baldness hasn’t been cured, so yeah there’s that….

Shawn asks, How do I know that you’re not a Romulan?

Romulans are a fake species from a fictional television series.

Pete asks, For future Trek: Do you expect SF to accept their first (shown) full-blooded Romulan? Would you like to see it or are the Rommies sacred ground for evil in ST universe?

The Rommies? Really, Rommies? You just said Rommies. The truth is that we here at OW are actually fans of Star Trek, but of course, as with Star Wars and, most recently, LOTR, nerds ruin everything. To be honest, I don’t know what sacred ground in the ‘ST’ universe is. I know ‘ST’ is a fairly well written science fiction show that I enjoy watching, but the fans are the worst. I can’t believe you would say Rommie. God, that’s so lame. You’re lame.

Ryan asks, Would you date a Ferengi?

No.

Adam asks, Space is a bit dull. So why does the Starship Enterprise have windows?

Yeah who would want to go to space and see stuff. You’re right.

Zack asks, Do the Borg have sex?

Nope.

Paul asks, How does it feel to be assimilated?

Like being a teenager. You don’t know who you are anymore, generally just follow the crowd, listen to the voices in your head, try to make everyone else be like you, and criticize those who don’t follow you and yours.

Matt asks, Were the changelings always shapeshifters or did they evolve from solids????

They evolved, duh.. that was in episode 1234ABCD of the 6th season of DS9. Everyone knows that episode. You must not be a real Trekkie, as a real Trekkie would know that. I hate the fans of most things I like. Trekkies are almost as had as Dave Mathews fans. I like the band but hate the fans same with Star Wars. I wonder who’s worse at ruining things Star Wars fans or Star Trek fans.

Dave asks, I took a Star Trek personality test today and I am apparantly akin to Quark the Ferengi. Which Star Trek character you think you are most like?

We would be awesome. That’s not technically a character in Star Trek but we would most like to be awesome.

Chris asks, Why do aliens from across the galaxy speak perfect English?

Universal translators, plus English is pretty common.

Kevin asks, Yesterday, I came across a glitch on my second season DVDs of DS9 (I own the North American set), and I was wondering if it’s just a bad disc or if anybody else has that problem. When I watched the episode “Crossover”, during the teaser, specifically during the first shot of Mirror Terok Nor in orbit of Bajor, both picture and sound freeze for a second. I could reproduce the glitch on both my standalone DVD player and my computer. The disc doesn’t have any visible damage or dirt. Any help in the matter would be greatly appreciated.

Yes this is a common problem for the North American set it, however the south American sets are perfect. The only difference being the South American set is in Spanish.

Related Posts: Ask Old-Wizard: Star Wars, Ask Old-Wizard: Lord of the Rings

Arthur asks, Who is the oldest brother in Super Mario Brothers?

Mario.

Ken K. asks, If the Super Mario theme could have lyrics, what would they say?

This is a surprisingly good question. What would the Mario brothers lyrics say? Would it be a theme to the working man and the struggling plumber? Or perhaps they would be more whimsical to reflect the strange situation that the brothers find themselves in. Maybe they would be an epic trilogy describing the plight of the mushroom kingdom, the arrival of the Mario and Luigi as the saviors, and the eventual defeat of the evil King Koopa. Might they include references to drug use and abuse that the game itself hints at, or maybe they are very serious to reflect goal of saving a kidnapped princess? Unfortunately we will never know what words we should sing along to this masterpiece of video gaming, but it is certainly fun to think about.

Jimmy asks, Why do I have that Super Mario Bros. (the original) song in my head?

Maybe you are subconsciously trying to figure out the lyrics.

Adam asks, Are mac computers better then dell computers?

Macintosh and all things apple.

Paul asks, What is the Illuminati conspiracy?

Something to do with candles I bet. I think when the light bulb was invented the candle industry got worried so they started this crazy rumor that light bulbs have an STD. Then the light bulb industry got all pissed off because they obviously don’t have an STD and started saying that the candle industry is a liar and is always so fake. So then the light bulb industry was totally like “Not Uh” and decided to go shopping with all it’s new money. But then they totally saw each other at the mall and the candle industry was all like “I saw your boyfriend making out with lighter industry after you guys were going steady” and the light bulb industry was like ” So, I made out with wick industry while you guys were going out before me and the lighter industry hooked up, and the lighter industry left you because you’re old” and then the candle industry is like “Bitch I dumped the lighter industry cus they’re totally lame and you guys can just go be lame together, I totally don’t care.” Then they started pulling each others hair or something.

Do you guys think that the US government is hiding the existence of UFOs from the public?

Of course. Though I think we might have answered this question before. I would also bet that the answer was funny and made fun of the person who asked the question. There is also little doubt that it was incredibly sarcastic, a little rude, and possibly even downright mean. Also, despite the sarcasm being thicker than the shag rug at your Grandmother’s house, some idiot probably left a comment thinking that we were serious. Then, of course, there is that one guy he keeps emailing us all these crazy conspiracy theory questions expecting us to actually do real research and give him real answers. Instead we make fun of him every single time, but this does not dissuade him at all. And then there are still those people who think were serious… idiots.

Do you think science is a conspiracy theory?

Of course it is. I mean let’s think about it. In order to understand science you have to understand math, and who can do that? Mixing letters and numbers sounds like a conspiracy to me. But on closer examination it gets even deeper. You see, what science does is take very complicated things and explains them very simply. And who wants that? Not us, that’s for sure. When something doesn’t make sense to me it must of course be the work of some higher power. Lightning? God. Tides? God. Popcorn? God. Microwaves? God. If you want a good explanation of how the world works just read the Bible or listen to your local government. Science is a waste of time, who needs all that logic, careful reasoning, provable results, empirical evidence, new advances, and medical improvements? When I turn my cell phone on I know its powered by God, not science thats for sure. And you know what else? My car runs on God juice, the thing in Aspirin that gets rid of my headache? Also God, and I’m pretty sure that God is responsible for my Christmas lights.

Who do you think killed JFK?

Probably the same guy who killed Biggie and Tupac. Or maybe even the aliens that the government is hiding. I bet they got so annoyed that they weren’t allowed to integrate into our society that they decided to kill the President. That adds all the the conspiracies into one for convenience.

To those who think science claims man came from monkeys or that theory is just a flimsy set of guesses, why don’t you read some real science by real scientists, who believe evolution before judging it?

Is this a question or a statement? Or maybe just an open letter of some sort? Are you for evolution or against it? This easily one of the more confusing emails we have ever gotten. We don’t believe that a theory is a flimsy set of guesses and we have read real science by real scientists. That still doesn’t answer the question of whether you are for or against science. I don’t think any science claims that man came from monkeys exactly, I believe its more of a parallel evolution of some sort, we are of course genetically different, though similar. I’m not sure what else we can say about this because nobody can figure out what in the world you are talking about.

Do you subscribe more to the conspiracy theory of government and big business or do you think incompetence is more the rule?

I would imagine things are more in the middle. Big business obviously effects the way our government does things, but when you look at our current president you can see that we are often ruled by incompetent idiots.

Do you ever think that the world could be just like the matrix? or something else? what is your theory?

The Matrix is far from an original idea. Descartes proposed this idea a long time ago in his meditations on the nature of philosophy. He concluded in his famous statement “cogito ergo sum,” I think therefore I am. The movie that you are referring to capitalized on this idea and combined it with computer science to make a great movie. Seeing as though robotics in general has still been unable to provide us with any thing that can think remotely on its own or even walk up right in a natural way, I don’t really think that robots are going to take over the world and turn us into their power source. Many scientists are calling robotics one of the biggest failures of modern science. Our theory is that most people are idiots and buy into stupid ideas because it sounds cool. I hope you’re not one of them.

Bob asks, WHY don’t the aliens, if they are real, just land on the White House lawn and say “Take me to your leader.”?

The white house lawn is really small and has a number of trees on it. I would imagine that even an experienced pilot would have difficulty finding a proper place to put ‘er down. Now I know what you’re saying, “a helicopter lands there all the time”. Well you’re right. So I guess I don’t know.

Doug asks, Why in the world would aliens want to come here? Wouldn’t you say that we are nothing more than a primitive society whose major activity is clearly tribal warfare?

Why did Europeans want to go to Africa and the Americas? Resources my friend, resources and money. If history is has taught us anything, its that its never good when a highly advanced society meets a much less advanced one. I imagine we would make great slaves or possibly food. I also imagine that all of our minerals and resources would plundered and the Earth destroyed.

Bill asks, Did God create life on other planets? Otherwise why is the universe so big?

How do you know the universe is so big? Maybe Earth is the only planet and the stars revolve around us. I imagine if God is all powerful he could make it look like the universe is really big but its actually isn’t.

Bill asks, Did Ezekial see a UFO?

I’m very sorry but I was raised by hippies and have rarely ever set foot in a church. I assume Ezekiel is a character in the Bible and am aware of the basic plot of the book, but details of it have never interested me. Somebody begot somebody and so on… So I can’t tell you what Ezekiel saw. For all I know he was blind and enjoyed disco.

Bill asks, Was Noah a Martian?

Ahhh the boat guy. I would say “no”, but then again I’m just guessing. I had a 50/50 shot at it so I went for it…. Do I regret it? No.

Jerry asks, Is global warming part of an ‘alien agenda’?

I see what your saying, are they trying to make us sweat it out? Hmmmm interesting theory, but why…. Maybe they need a nice warn vacation spot, lots of beaches, less humans, remote. That could work. Throw up a few condos a couple themed bars and you got yourself a good ole’ fashioned resort. So yes for these reasons and these reasons alone I feel that global warming is part of an ‘alien agenda.’ But only for these reasons.

Adam asks, Should we search for extraterrestrial intelligence?

Nah, I say lets let them find us. If they are so smart with their ships and what not, why should we do all the work?

Sara asks, Is the government covering up the existence of ETs?

No I saw the movie, but I didn’t think it was as great as everyone else did.

Tim asks, Do you believe in the theory of gravity?

Absolutely not. Its just another case of scientist making up crazy theories.

Henry asks, What would happen if I shot a gun in space?

Depends if you have a license to carry a concealed weapon in space and whether or not you hit someone. I imagine you would end up in jail or possibly a large fee.

Jeff asks, I just read that scientists actually came within one ten millionith of a degree from reaching Absolute Zero, back in 2000 bu have not been able to get any closer. How much would that suck to be those scientists? Sooo close, but no cigar.

LOL. I hadn’t thought of it that way, I bet they went home and cried. Then they tried make ice cream but only got cream and then they tried to build a tree fort but only got a back porch. Ehhh… well that’s all I got. This was fun.

James asks, Why is there light on earth from the sun, but yet in space, it is black?

In order to see something light has to reflect off it, black is total absorption (i.e. no reflection), so when nothing reflects it looks black like space.

Eric asks, What is the fifth dimension?

Its the one right past the fourth but before the sixth. You can’t miss it.

Jared asks, What is the most destructive weapon in the world, which does not use nuclear power? (Real weapons, not metaphors like “Hate”)

I would say non-nuclear missiles, or maybe biological stuff. Things that burn, or melt you are pretty powerful. I would rather be vaporized by a nuclear weapon than die slowly from fire or some crazy disease that makes your eyes fall out. Greed is pretty powerful too.

Liam asks, Which law of physics best describes you?

I would say conservation of Mass. I eat a lot but don’t seem to get fat.

Stephen asks, Are you a “Dark Matter Theory” or “Modified Newtonian Physics” kind of person? Do you create something invisible to explain the world or just change the rules?

We here at OW are rule changers. We see the status quo and then do awesome things that force the world to change. We’re different, trend setters if you will. The cool kids that are smart, and incredibly sexy. So yeah, ladies, let us know, most of us are single.

Shawn asks, What do you know about the theory of everything?

Nothing.

Nicole asks, Who knows the equasion for gravity

I bet Newton and anyone who has taken an intro physics class.

Dawn asks, What is the benefit of studies if we are not going to imbibe in our daily life?

Imbibe? Is that a word? I think it means drink, are we going drink our studies? I’m not sure that’s a good idea, don’t most schools have a problem with imbibing?

Phil asks, The Large Hadron Collider, the world’s biggest atom smasher, started up this month. Scientists predict collisions of sub-atomic particles produced by the LHC. Is anyone worried about ‘black holes?’

Lord knows I am. As we all know scientists are the agents of Satan and this device is a gate for Satan. So forget black holes, I’m worried about Satan.

Joe asks, What is another name for a circular particle accelerator?

What? I don’t know. A round particle accelerator?

Corey asks, What’s the most unusual D&D character you’ve ever created and been allowed to play? (Mine’s a troll paladin, btw.)

I once made a Grig thief, I believe. But to be honest, although we used to play D and D every weekend while we were in high school, we never played a full game, because at one point or another our group would all declare some sort of mass war and everyone would end up dead. We also learned that most of the people who played this game had a number of the following properties: lack of social grace, distinctive offensive odors, an abundance of fat, a propensity for pornography, signs of pedophilia, and in ability to relate to the society at large.

Matt asks, During the course of an adventure my character has taken a goblin captive. The intention was to question it for information but now I’ve grown attached to the bugger so I’ve decided to keep it. Now I need a name, what should I name it?

It should be ‘I’m a giant weirdo,’ mainly because it describes you.

Jay asks, What is the difference between a gnome and a halfling? Does anyone care?

To answer your second question first; no. The difference between a gnome and a halfling is that one is a gnome and the other is a halfling.

Jordan asks, What is a good name for an effeminate ninja-esque character in a DnD game?

Gay Queerington

Mike asks, Have you ever killed the Tarrasque before? With out getting hurt. I Have.

Have you ever got down with a chick, without paying for it? I have.

Tim asks, As a Druid, if I Wild Shape into a bird, how much weight can I pick up and fly with if I wanted to carry a companion?

Well standard bird weight carrying limits are roughly 27.8453 kilos. So yeah… I don’t know, aren’t there books about this?

Alex asks, Could a 4th level dwarf and a 6th level half-elf magician slay a gelatanous cube?

Depends what flavor and brand. If its Jell-o brand gelatinous cube then no you would need to at least level 10.

Joe asks, Why are the dragons in dungeons and dragons simply named after their color? They were creative enough when they named things like Tieflings and Duerger. Which are just variations of the standard races.

Dragons are traditionally named after their color as per Chinese lore. Plus its easier.

Nick asks, What’s the best website to learn how to play dungeons and dragons?

Probably dungeons and dragons dot com.

Tom asks, How do you level up a druid’s animal companion? Since my dm won’t let me have dinosaurs at level 7, he let me have a large air elemental. Any info would help, including how many HD to add.

Your DM is a jerk. I would fight him. I mean what druid doesn’t have a dinosaur as a pet? I know I do. It sounds like he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Doug asks, Can zombies be hurt by holy water?

Absolutely not. That would be to say only Catholics have this means of defense against zombies. If Daniel Day Lewis was a zombie, he would drink your holy water. You kill a zombie by removing or destroying the brain, if you want to try something other than this proven method, be my guest. If I ever find my self in a zombie fight, I’m coming correct with a chain saw and a mallet.

Aaron asks, Who would win in a fight between Spiderman and Darth Vader?

Spider-man is no match for the Force, this debate is ridiculous. What, are you going to web a light saber? Come on.

Bill asks, On super mario gaxlxy is it possable to finish the game because bowser is hard?

Yup its actually impossible. So its probably best to not even try, in fact why even buy it when the game is obviously stacked against you. And when you think about it what’s the point of getting out of bed in the morning. You can’t beat the world since the boss is so hard sooo… why not just end it all really what’s the point of setting goals of any-kind and then completing them. I would just stop finishing anything.

Tom asks, Which graphing calculator is better, the TI-89, or TI-91?

There was a time when I would give you a great well informed answer on this, sadly that time has long since passed. Instead I’m going to call you a nerd and give you no useful information at all.

Cayman asks, What’s George W. Bush’s most amazing achievement to date?

I see what you’re doing, you want us to make fun of dubbya. Yeah that would be original and it totally hasn’t been done before either. I mean nobody has ever made jokes about the current president, so if we do it it would be awesome, and because you helped you would get credit too right? Then we would be best friends and you would actually have a friend. Yeah this is great I love doing something new and its all the more rewarding when its with a new person, no not just a new person a new friend. God this has been great.

Dan asks, What valuable lesson(s) can be learned from George Walker Bush’s entire presidency?

Please read the above statement.

Travis asks, What did you love about Super Mario, back in the day?

Everything, what’s not to love really its the best game ever. They are all the best game equally. I love everything about them.

Kate asks, Why do you guys hate the paperboy so much?

Who likes the paperboy is a better question. I could imagine the meeting where they came up with that game, ” Hey Jim whatcha got… (P.S. Jim is the made up believe game developer I just made up, also in my head he partied pretty hard last night and is really hungover, he keeps putting his head on the desk because its cold and make his raging headache feel better, this is called cold desking for those who didn’t know) Jim lifts his throbbing head and says: ” I don’t know paperboy, you deliver papers and dodge cars or something”

Karl asks, Who is Super Mario’s dad?

Mario is a made up video game character.

Nick asks, Is there a good place to meet women online?

Yes tons. Think about it, women love to meet guys online. They aren’t at bars or clubs or coffee shops or restaurants or anything like that. All the hot girls i know love to play video games and stuff like that. So keep looking my friend.

Sarah asks, Why are there so many shows, showing men how to pick up women but they never have shows showing women how to get the guy?

What!?!?! What shows are you talking about? I don’t think I’ve seen any shows teaching men how to pick up girls. Besides the fact that women don’t have to do anything to get the guy. They just have to be girls. Unless they are fat, then they should loose weight.

This week we answer some of our readers’ Lord of the Rings related questions:

James asks, Why didn’t the great eagles simply drop the ring into Mount Doom?

You obviously never read the books. The ring was ultimately corrupting and only had one goal, to return to its master. Even Frodo succumbed to its whims in the end and he was a hobbit. By that very reason the eagles, though intelligent, would probably been corrupted quickly and would have simply returned the ring to its master and Middle Earth would have been destroyed. Remember the ring had only one master.

Dave asks, Why is it called Lord of the Rings when there is only one ring in question?

May I remind the readers when asking a question that its usually better to go to the source rather than a random website. In this case and the previous one, the question itself shows that you have not read the books (something Zeromage and I have done a number of times) nor have you seen the movies (another thing ZM and I have done a number of times). Which means you were probably just jumping on the nerd band wagon when the movies came out, saw them once, and declared yourself a huge fan. Well sir, I take issue with that, and issue with this absurd question. Having been a life long LOTR fan I can quote whole passages of the book and that is something I am very proud of. It should be noted I could do this long long before the movies came out. As described to Frodo by Gandalf:

Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne,
In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them,
In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.

Sauron made the one ring to control the powers of all the other rings and bind the wearers to him. So there were in fact 20 rings by my count.

Kevin asks, Would you like to touch my bilbo?

Only if you are a pretty girl.

Tim asks, What’s the difference between a hobbit and a dwarf?

They are two different (fictional) species in the LOTR series. That’s the difference jackass.

Alex asks, If the enemy had captured Bilbo instead of Gollum, and tortured him to try to find out where the Ring was, what would have happened?

This is the kind of thinking I hate about most nerds. Its the same kind of thinking that ruined Star Wars, you can read about that in my other posts. Yes Star Wars is ruined. What’s worse is that these questions have no answer. The author is dead, this is not what happened, and speculation is impossible. I could say the ringwraiths would have found Frodo faster, killed him, and destroyed Middle Earth thus making the books short and pointless. Is that the answer you want? This is such a stupid question that it incenses me you would even ask it. The answer is that the books would have been completely different. How? Well that would have been up to Tolkien, no? Its like asking what if the color blue was red? I don’t know how could it be and what would that change. You sir are an idiot and I dislike you.

Melissa asks, I think my boyfriend is addicted to the game World of Warcraft. How can I get him to stop playing that game and spend more time with me?

Dear Melissa there is a direct correlation between the amount of time that you are naked and the amount of time your boyfriend spends time with you. This is science. If he knows hanging out with you will eventually, at the end of the night, lead to a good ole’ fashion romp in the hay I guarantee he will be raiding your dungeon more often. True WOW is digital crack cocaine, but you have boobs and no man will turn down a nice pair. So next time your beau is battling away on the intraweb, walk into the room completely naked, sit on his lap, and then f’ his brains out. I think that will solve your problems. If not dump his loser ass, send me a photo and maybe we can talk.

Jeff asks, Hi, I am a level 7 troll hunter and I don’t know how to get a combat pet. Can you help me?

You can’t till you hit level 10 and get the quest which allows you to tame and train combat pets. So be patient.

Nick asks, Do you have to play Wow on the internet or can you play it in a campaign or single player?

WOW is an MMORPG, no single player or campaign exist.

Earl asks, How much does World or Warcraft cost a month? I want to play it but I am afraid I don’t have enough money.

I believe they have this listed on their website, jackass.

Kate asks, Who would you rather be a warlock or a mage? Why?

Warlocks can summon demons and mages own. Mages generally rule pvp because they can do massive amounts of damage in a very short amount of time. They are also one of the best crowd control classes and are essential members of dungeon and raid parties. Warlocks are also heavy damage dealers and can summon a cadre of bad ass demons that act as combat pets. Agreeable cloth armour sucks but who cares when you can summon demons right?

Aaron asks, Why do they let gnomes be warriors? Does it make sense to have 3 feet tall creatures with pink beards swaying great swords around?

Its a fantasy video game. Does it makes sense that you’re analyzing a video game? Do you have problems with little people? I’ve heard they are a rather tenacious bunch. I’d be pretty scared if a 3 foot little bastard came charging me with a sword bigger than him. But again people, remember video games are a suspension of reality which is part of the reason they are fun. Who would want to play a game called go to work and pay your bills. Please for the love of God stop trying to rationalize things that were specifically made irrational. Fuck I’m really pissed by this question, and the longer I answer it the more incensed I’m becoming. Its also late and I’ve been drinking. Really what the fuck is wrong you morons, are your nerdy little lives so pathetically dreary that you wish reality would merge with your stupid favorite video game. Stop dressing in all black, listening to weird techno music, drinking jolt, buying t-shirts with stupid sayings, take a shower, buy some normal clothes, and then girls will like you. The reason they don’t is because your a weirdo, yes you, you are a weirdo. And don’t give me that fagot ass response “oh I want a girl who likes me for me” fuck you no you don’t. Thats not why you spend the other half of the time weirding to some porn site. I seriously hate everyone who refers to themselves as ‘gamers.’ Playing video games should be a pass time not a profession, unless you are a developer then it is actually a profession. Or you review them for a living. Fuck I hate you.

Jay aks, What is your most memorable event in World of Warcraft?

What a stupid question I refuse to answer it. I actually really like this game, but only play once a weekish, really its the truth. Personally I like going out with friends, drinking, making out with girls I regret even meeting, and waking up in strange places. Also true, ask Zeromage. All of my memorable events are in real life. If most nerds put half the effort in to chasing tail instead of epic gear, the world would be a much happier place. Also read the above rant.

Tom aks, Why is WoW (World of Warcraft) so successful?

Its awesome. Seriously it has everything, great graphics, a great intertwining plot, cool gear, great classes and races, awesome maps, and its just plain fun.

Stephanie asks, Is world of Warcraft as addicting as people say?

Yes.

Sal asks, How do I earn a free World of Warcraft epic mount?

The only one I know of has to do with the trading card game, which means you have to buy the cards so its not free. There are also some available by turning in battle ground badges, but you still have to buy the training, which is the most expensive part. So really there are no free epic mounts, cus the training costs like 500g or something.