Gunter asks, I have a Playstation game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and there is scratches on and I tired everything to repair it like tooth paste, conditioner everything can you help me, what do I use and how?

I like the way you said “I have a game Grand Theft Auto….” As if nobody ever heard of it. Anyways the solution to your problem is simple. Stick it in the microwave for about five seconds. This will melt the layers in-between the cracks just enough so that the laser beam will no longer notice them. Don’t do it too long though because your microwave will explode killing you and everyone you love.

Felix asks: If you choke a smurf what color will it turn?

Well, here’s the thing: you are a person, and a smurf is a cartoon. While cartoons turn blue when choked, people turn red. Since this is a crazy case of a person choking a cartoon (A la Who Framed Roger Rabbit) I would say the smurf would run through a cycle of red to blue, which would appear purple, followed by a deep blue. If we have a hypothetical real-life smurf on our hands, we would have to dissect one to examine the color of one’s blood and the blood vessel mapping in the face area of said smurf, from which we could draw an educated hypothesis of the color a smurf would turn when choked. Because of the relatively small size of a smurf, I presume it would be rather difficult to choke one without breaking its neck, and with a dead smurf on our hands with no blood flow to traverse to the capillaries of the face and eyes, I presume we would simply have a bloated blue dead smurf. The only way I could see a person initiating a smurf choking would be to instigate it. Go tell Handy that Brainy called Smurfette a loose-Lucy, my bet is that Handy chokes Brainy until he turns white.

Master Barker asks: How can beer pong enhance one’s ability to meet an alien?

Barker, beer pong is an interesting medium. I think it can not only increase your ability to meet an alien, but also increase your ability to do several things, such as operate a piece of heavy machinery or juggle gas powered chainsaws while smoking. The key is in the pong, not just the beer. When the beer is gone, try substituting other tonics. Recomended: gin, espresso. Not recomended: milk, listerine (trust me…). Whiskey is tricky. You may meet an Alien, but more than likely you’ll punch them in the face before a formal introduction. Remember, elbows behind the line.

WarlockLink asks,Why is Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past so awesome?

Mainly because its the perfect game. Its got the unlikely hero, the pretty princess, and the evil villain and his countless minions. As well as a great story, parallel universes, side-plots and quests, a place called Death Mountain, was one of the first games that would change the character when you got new weapons/armour, a boomerang, a better boomerang, chickens, a mysterious forest, a sword in the stone, a triforce, a secret society of underwater mermen, running, fighting, jumping, puzzles, more princesses, monsters, mayhem, graveyards, secret passages, bombs, better bombs, running shoes, magical wands, a tranquil town, you can catch butterflies, fairy babes, a simple map/with tons to explore, and on and on….

Tim asks, I want to write for you guys, what should I do?

There are two routes mainly. The first and easiest would be to lavish us with gifts, and not cheap crap, I mean some expensive grade A stuff. I would like a Movado watch, Louis Vuittion wallet, iphone, and anything else that you can think of. The second route is to first aquire a Phd in writing, English, or composition and then wait for our current hiring freeze to be over with. We had a little trouble with balancing the books so we can’t really afford to pay ourselves right now let alone take on a new employee. Though I suppose once world peace is established things will calm down around here. And you know how world peace is, always just around the corner.

Hisdon asks, What are your thoughts on Alabama?

I never really gave much thought at all about Alabama. I know very little about it other than its location on a map and its state abbreviation. What do I think about Alabama? Well I’ll tell you. Its next to Mississippi and Georgia and its AL. Thats all the thought I ever gave to it. Its in the south…I’ve thought that too, but if I was in Uruguay, I’d think its in the north. What do you think of Alabama?

The Great White Ninja asks, What’s your favorite color in Magic: The Gathering?

Blue. No green! AHHHHHHHHHH!!

Phil asks, This happened to my twice when I was playing Super Mario Brothers 3 on my Nintendo Wii: I play a world or 2 and it saves by itself. (Console turned off and everything) but sometimes when I go to play again it restarts from the beginning.. any idea why??

It’s obvious your Wii hates you. I’m sorry.

Mike asks, Have you ever gotten 100% on Mario World for the SNES?

After reading this I actually laughed myself to death. No really, I did. Paramedics were called, I was put into a stable coma and have only just recently recovered. It has taken weeks and weeks of rehab to get back to where I can be a sarcastic jerk again. Then I decided I should catch up with my work and accidentally read this again and then the whole terrible cycle repeated. Thank God for OW’s amazing health care plan and work from home plan. To answer your question, which I must admit generally goes against my policy of never actually answering anything (My psychologist says my near death experience has softened me), what do you think? We here at OW love Nintendo more than any bunch of straight men should. The only thing we love more is Mario. So if by 100% you mean all 96 lvls then yes.

Master Barker asks, Hey…..hope your day…night is going to plan…I was just wondering…if a child has mad skillz on a certain game …say ..Defender… How could the player….child..learn more levels…help us …you savior of Defender…

I have actually never played Defender, although Zeromage has many times. I’m not going to go and play it now. I should, but I’m not. Instead I am going to address your use of a ‘z’ instead of a ’s’. I hate that, I hate people who talk like that too. I imagine you talk like you write, all stuttery and weird. Go play Defender.

Master Barker asks, One time at Band Camp.I had the chance to do my first real scam..This story may be told by others..but the true meaning was realized within the realm of ourville..A man …..Ijust realized ….this is not a question….sorry….any way this story rocks…nuff sed…ps drink drinks for they who can not drink….BARK HARD AND LOUD….Yeh boyyyyy!

What’s the story? You’re a scam artist? Where is the realm of ourville? Bark hard and loud? I’m confused.

Nick asks, Why do people think Star Wars is nerdy?

I know right. Space, science, laser swords, guys in weird costumes what’s weird about that?

Jeff asks, In both The Phantom Menace and A New Hope, Jawas can be heard exclaiming, “Utinni!” What does this mean? Is it a word or just an exclamation?

This is the problem with you Star Wars geeks, you have to know everything, without realizing that its the mystery that makes the movies so good. Stop being Lucas and making good things suck.

James asks, What did Vader’s interrogation droid do to Princess Leia?

They played three games of tic tac toe to see if she had to release information on the secret rebel base.

John asks, While watching Return Of The Jedi for the 1000th time (I know it’s not a record), it finally dawned on me that when Obi-Wan’s spirit comes from the woods on Dagobah to talk to Luke, he walks a few steps and then sits down! Does a Jedi apparition really need to take a rest, or was I right in just ignoring it the first 999 times?

Well if you walked from the Death Star to Dagobah you would be tired too.

Brian asks, Will there be anymore star wars movies?

No. Lucas is over the hill. His new movies all have poor character development

Darth Hobbit asks, Where is the Star Wars Galaxy?

New Zealand

Chris asks, What was the worst Star Wars movie?

Episode 1

Tom asks, What’s your favorite Star Wars video game?

The old Star Wars arcade game. Man..that thing still gets a quarter (at least) from me anytime I see it anywhere.

Art asks, Who’s your favorite Star Wars character?

Lando. Best hair, best cape, only pimp in the Star Wars series

Alex asks, Here is something that I’ve always thought was a little strange. When Obi-Wan takes Luke to Mos Eisley, why does he tell Luke everything about the place? If Luke has grown up on Tatoonie, it seems like he would know something about it or would have been in a cantina before.

If its one thing I love its a well thought out question. This question just happens to be one of those. In order to better understand it lets put this oddity into a better perspective. We live on the planet Earth, which by all measure is fairly large, and has many places. Very surprisingly when I was the young age that Luke Skywalker was when he got tossed into a galactic war between good and evil I hadn’t been to a bar before. Weird right? It would therefore be safe to assume a description of one may be helpful the first time I went. Also I haven’t even been to every city in the state I’m from, let alone the entire planet. Similar logic dictates that a description would also be helpful when entering a new area, especially a bad area, and even more especially when you are trying to blend in. A little knowledge of how things work might go along way. To put it more bluntly I live on Earth but have never been to a bar in China, weird right? Luke’s case is even more extreme; he is a poor farmer boy, they didn’t have the internet, and my guess is Mos Eisley was a bit of trip. So by my figuring he would most likely not have been in a cantina before, and probably knew little if anything about the day-to-day in a spaceport. Hence Obi-Wan filling the lad in on the lay of the land.

Z Dawg asks, What does the acronym R2-D2 stand for?

Ron Twodaletwo

Steve asks, Is R2-D2 real?

I’ve decided not to answer this question. It’s obviously utterly stupid. Instead I’m going to use this space to prove that Star Wars fan-boys are responsible for ruining Star Wars. The reason being is that they, for unknown reasons, must suck the mystery out of every single minute detail of the movies. They have to know the name and personal background of every character. “Oh that dead guy there (who’s only in the movie for 1/8th of 1 second) is blah blah, he’s from the fuck face planet, has two wives and eighteen children.” Shut the fuck up. Star Wars was great because of the mystery, the intrigue, and all that was unknown. Another prime example is Boba Fett, he was awesome as an unknown bad ass bounty hunter and everyone loved him for that reason. Now he sucks. He’s a clone or something and his dad got killed. Now he’s a pussy with daddy issues. The mystery of who or what he was, was way better than the now reality. J.R.R. Tolkien once said that the reason Lord of the Rings was so popular was that there was always a tower in the distance that you could see, but you never get to go to. The potential for a story or peril or something unknown is what drew that average reader into his world. The same can be said for the original Star Wars movies. Maybe its Lucas’s fault for caving into the pressures of the hordes of idiotic Star Wars fans, maybe he saw masses of money and decided to forgo his beautiful creation for some pop culture piece of crap that goes to every tower and leaves no stone unturned. Those are, of course, metaphors. I like the mystery of Darth Vader more than the heart sick fuck up. Lets face it, Darth Vader fell to the most common of all human problems: women. He fell in love with a girl and became so obsessed it drove him mad. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! The most evil guy ever is evil because of a girl! Nobody knew what we had with the original movies until they were destroyed by the prequels. I hope your happy that you now know more about the Star wars universe at the expense of the mystery, which is what made them great. Jerks.

Alex asks, I just got my NES and one out my two controllers doesn’t work. Actually, the A, B, select, etc. buttons work but it’s the d-pad. How can I fix this?

The solution is simple: don’t use the d-pad. There are plenty of games out there that don’t require choosing a direction all the time, and let’s be honest, those that do aren’t really all that fun. Too many decisions; forward, backwards, up, down, who has the time? Not me thats for sure. Of course like most people you could simply buy a new controller. That would most likely solve the problem.

Tony asks, I have the Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt cartridge but I lack a zapper. I want to buy one on ebay, but not by itself. If I want to buy it bundled with a different zapper game, what game should I look for?

Gunsmoke. Most underrated game ever for Nintendo.

Adam asks, Can the SNES play NES games?

A little known fact is that the answer to this question is yes, and here’s how; First you’ll need a couple of things, a screw driver, wire hanger, some low grade phosphoric acid, and wire cutters. Take the acid and pour it on the cover of your NES game, this will melt the plastic allowing access to the board inside. Next take the screw driver and poke at it a few times, just randomly. Finally take the wire hanger and stick one end in an electric socket and the other end in the cartridge slot in your SNES leaving room for your NES cartridge. Now jam the NES cartridge in backwards and viola you have your self an NES game playing on an SNES. Be careful though this process is dangerous and should be done in a well ventilated and well grounded place. Good luck. Disclaimer

What were the wire cutters for? Actually I don’t know, but the process won’t work without them.

Evan asks, Are there any side projects from Oasis members?

Yes, there are tons but Noel won’t let any of them see the light of day for fear of them becoming successful.

Brian asks, Why did you guys leave the Beatles off your top 10 British bands list?

Because they’re just an old rehash of Oasis

Scott asks, Who would win in a fight between Spiderman and Darth Vader?

Darth Vader. He has a deeper voice.

Kevin asks, I am going to a wedding this summer. Would it be appropriate if I wore a kilt?

Only if you’re wearing your real clan colors.

The Great White Ninja asks, What’s your favorite color in Magic: The Gathering?

Blue. No green! AHHHHHHHHHH!!

Another Magic: The Gathering question from The Great White Ninja, What’s your favorite non-basic land?

I would say Taiga’s because the name is cool.

Chris asks, You guys put the Wii at number 3 on your “Top 10 Gaming Consoles of All Time” list. Yet the Xbox 360 (which isn’t on the list at all) has outsold the Wii. How do you explain this?

Like the Dreamcast, the Wii is too revolutionary to sell really big right away. But I think people should come around because unlike the Dreamcast, it’s not gay.

Justin asks, Just read the “Top 5 Girls From the Wonder Years” article that you guys released a while back. Why is Kevin’s mom on the list, instead of his sister?

His sister is too much of a hippy.

Piper has a Lost question. It’s seems everyone has forgotten about the four-toed statue on the Island. Do you have any theories as to who made it and why?

Maybe it was some sort of eccentric Polynesian Picasso at work that cut his own toe off for the love of a woman and then did a self sculpture.

Alfagreyus asks, Without taking into account the issue of establishing a stone by God, which he won’t be able to pick up, how do you think, may be something in this world, what can God never see?

In all honesty this sentence makes no sense. Do you speak enough English? Probably not, its okay, English is a difficult language. Now in response to your almost question; The paradox of whether God can create a stone so heavy that even he himself can’t lift it is an old and common question that most atheists like to jump too. The question basically breaks down to whether or not omnipotence is truly possible and is not self-contradictory. Rene Descartes argues that God is absolutely omnipotent despite the problems? What problems you ask? Well, you non-English speaking S.O.B., the very contradiction which you posed. One possible solution to the problem was proposed by J.L. Cowan using a simple logical argument;

1. Either God can create a stone which He cannot lift, or He cannot create a stone which He cannot lift.

2. If God can create a stone which He cannot lift, then He is not omnipotent (since He cannot lift the stone in question).

3. If God cannot create a stone which He cannot lift, then He is not omnipotent (since He cannot create the stone in question).

4. Therefore God is not omnipotent.

Well I’m sick of doing your religious/metaphysical research. For further reading I suggest Bertrand Russell, Immanuel Kant, or David Hume.

Mapex asks, Why do you guys hate Dreamcast so much?

Why would we like it is a better question. It had no good games, was entirely overpriced, and made by Sega. You must have had some rich parents that would buy you whatever you wanted when the whim struck you. Must have been nice rich-boy. That must be how you got all your friends, “Hey guys I’m a big fat loser but come check out what my parents bought me.”

Oddwin asks, What’s the best game out there right now?

Currenly I’m really into Endless Zombie Rampage.

Gunter asks, I have a Playstation game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and there is scratches on and I tired everything to repair it like tooth paste, conditioner everything can you help me, what do I use and how?

I like the way you said “I have a game Grand Theft Auto….” As if nobody ever heard of it. Anyways the solution to your problem is simple. Stick it in the microwave for about five seconds. This will melt the layers in-between the cracks just enough so that the laser beam will no longer notice them. Don’t do it too long though because your microwave will explode killing you and everyone you love.

WarlockLink asks,Why is Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past so awesome?

Mainly because its the perfect game. Its got the unlikely hero, the pretty princess, and the evil villain and his countless minions. As well as a great story, parallel universes, side-plots and quests, a place called Death Mountain, was one of the first games that would change the character when you got new weapons/armour, a boomerang, a better boomerang, chickens, a mysterious forest, a sword in the stone, a triforce, a secret society of underwater mermen, running, fighting, jumping, puzzles, more princesses, monsters, mayhem, graveyards, secret passages, bombs, better bombs, running shoes, magical wands, a tranquil town, you can catch butterflies, fairy babes, a simple map/with tons to explore, and on and on….

Tim asks, I want to write for you guys, what should I do?

There are two routes mainly. The first and easiest would be to lavish us with gifts, and not cheap crap, I mean some expensive grade A stuff. I would like a Movado watch, Louis Vuittion wallet, iphone, and anything else that you can think of. The second route is to first aquire a Phd in writing, English, or composition and then wait for our current hiring freeze to be over with. We had a little trouble with balancing the books so we can’t really afford to pay ourselves right now let alone take on a new employee. Though I suppose once world peace is established things will calm down around here. And you know how world peace is, always just around the corner.

OneManArmy asks, What do you think about the news that Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) have petitioned the ESRB to reclassify Grand Theft Auto IV as an ‘Adults Only’ title in reaction to the game’s inclusion of players driving while intoxicated?

Ahhhhhh…. the age old debate. Do video games and reality really correspond. If I go on a murderous rampage in a video game does that mean I will do the same in real life? Frankly there exists no simple answer; personally I believe it comes down to parenting. If you are an absent parent who parks you children in front of the TV and lets the world educate them without your moral guidance and input then yes your child’s mind may become warped and a blur will exist between the make believe and the real. A good parent limits worldly input until a child has reaches an age or maturity level in which they can discern between what is morally right and what is morally wrong. It should also be noted that I do not believe the government should be given the right to dictate what Americans can and can’t read, write, or create. That being said I applaud the effort that MADD is making to educate people about the tragedy caused by drunk driving, but I firmly believe they are attacking the wrong source. They should be targeting the parents who have children and don’t raise them properly. Censorship is the job of the parent, not the government.

Hisdon asks, What are your thoughts on Alabama?

I never really gave much thought at all about Alabama. I know very little about it other than its location on a map and its state abbreviation. What do I think about Alabama? Well I’ll tell you. Its next to Mississippi and Georgia and its AL. Thats all the thought I ever gave to it. Its in the south…I’ve thought that too, but if I was in Uruguay, I’d think its in the north. What do you think of Alabama?

Zeromage asks: Can I come over for dinner tonight?

The menu is vegetarian sloppy-joes on onion rolls with a spinach and micro-greens salad. I’m out of beer too, so bring some.

Master Barker asks: Who was the first fire fighter to appear in a video game?

I have no idea. Check out Firefighter F.D.18 for PS2 or Firefighter-In The Line Of Duty for PC.

Darth Hobbit asks: What are some good accessories I can get for my Gamecube? Some good games I should get?

This question must have come in five years ago and I’m just getting to it. Get four controllers, three friends, a case of your favorite beer, and Mario Kart Double-Dash. A four person Bomb-omb battle on the GameCube battle mode level is the equivalent of N64 Golden eye proximity mines in the temple. Losers drink, everyone wins. WIN WIN W1N!

Felix asks: If you choke a smurf what color will it turn?

Well, here’s the thing: you are a person, and a smurf is a cartoon. While cartoons turn blue when choked, people turn red. Since this is a crazy case of a person choking a cartoon (A la Who Framed Roger Rabbit) I would say the smurf would run through a cycle of red to blue, which would appear purple, followed by a deep blue. If we have a hypothetical real-life smurf on our hands, we would have to dissect one to examine the color of one’s blood and the blood vessel mapping in the face area of said smurf, from which we could draw an educated hypothesis of the color a smurf would turn when choked. Because of the relatively small size of a smurf, I presume it would be rather difficult to choke one without breaking its neck, and with a dead smurf on our hands with no blood flow to traverse to the capillaries of the face and eyes, I presume we would simply have a bloated blue dead smurf. The only way I could see a person initiating a smurf choking would be to instigate it. Go tell Handy that Brainy called Smurfette a loose-Lucy, my bet is that Handy chokes Brainy until he turns white.

Sir In-Your-Pants-Alot asks: Who would win in a fight between Superman and Batman?

I wish this question was “who is more bad-ass?” but it’s not. Lame-O Superman would find a way to win, even if there were some kryptonite toys in Batman’s belt. That square always finds a way to win.

Tor Thorrsson (International Ski mogul) asks: do you know a place I can get free downloads of games.

Tor, Tor, Tor. I do not condone piracy. I do, however, condone the 8-bit browser based glory of Nintendo8.com.

KD asks: I have recently coined a phrase “The Half Circle of Regret” it refers to what happened to me in the middle of playing Halo3 yesterday, in the middle of a team slayer game my 360 went blank and on the left side i had a red half circle, not to be confused the the dreaded RED RING OF DEATH which is the two left led lights and the top right led light turning red this “Half Circle of Regret” stopped the game for about 2minutes and then allowed me to turn it back on and play for another twenty minutes before the “Half Circle of Regret” came back to plague me again, what does it mean?
P.S. Please don’t say buy a new 360.

A red half circle? Half or whole, you’re beat. Go buy a new box. Hope you have a warranty.

Zeromage asks: If you could fight any historical figure, who would it be?

Hmmmm…That’s a tough one. I think it’s a toss up between Jesus and Napoleon. The reasons for Napoleon being that not many people in his time knew of his small stature, and being infamous he could certainly draw a crowd. Bets would be placed between the greatest conqueror of the time and myself, a complete unknown. Once the bets were placed I would stroll into the ring, a full 13 inches above Napolean’s 5 foot 2 inch frame and walk away with crazy loot. The average height at that time was 5 feet, making me a giant among men. If worst come to worst I’ll just invent basketball while I’m there and bank on that…

Of course I’d rather be the promoter of fights between historical figures. I’d love to hype a fight between popes, or world leaders. Oscar Wilde v. Oscar Wilde, that sort of nonsense. Robert Johnson v. Elvis. “SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY. ONE NIGHT ONLY, bring your bling to the ring and and watch Anne Franks swing make Hitler’s eye sting!” Something like that.

Master Barker asks: How can beer pong enhance one’s ability to meet an alien?

Barker, beer pong is an interesting medium. I think it can not only increase your ability to meet an alien, but also increase your ability to do several things, such as operate a piece of heavy machinery or juggle gas powered chainsaws while smoking. The key is in the pong, not just the beer. When the beer is gone, try substituting other tonics. Recomended: gin, espresso. Not recomended: milk, listerine (trust me…). Whiskey is tricky. You may meet an Alien, but more than likely you’ll punch them in the face before a formal introduction. Remember, elbows behind the line.