• Best of Ask Old-Wizard

  

  Written by Zeromage 2 Comments
  Last Updated:: June 29, 2008

  I was too busy/lazy this week to come up with any new answers to your questions, so instead I decided in my infinite wisdom to compile some of my best answers to your past questions into one convenient place for my loyal readers. Hope you enjoy. See you next week.

  Gunter asks, I have a Playstation game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and there is scratches on and I tired everything to repair it like tooth paste, conditioner everything can you help me, what do I use and how?
  
  I like the way you said “I have a game Grand Theft Auto….” As if nobody ever heard of it. Anyways the solution to your problem is simple. Stick it in the microwave for about five seconds. This will melt the layers in-between the cracks just enough so that the laser beam will no longer notice them. Don’t do it too long though because your microwave will explode killing you and everyone you love.

  Felix asks: If you choke a smurf what color will it turn?

  Well, here’s the thing: you are a person, and a smurf is a cartoon. While cartoons turn blue when choked, people turn red. Since this is a crazy case of a person choking a cartoon (A la Who Framed Roger Rabbit) I would say the smurf would run through a cycle of red to blue, which would appear purple, followed by a deep blue. If we have a hypothetical real-life smurf on our hands, we would have to dissect one to examine the color of one’s blood and the blood vessel mapping in the face area of said smurf, from which we could draw an educated hypothesis of the color a smurf would turn when choked. Because of the relatively small size of a smurf, I presume it would be rather difficult to choke one without breaking its neck, and with a dead smurf on our hands with no blood flow to traverse to the capillaries of the face and eyes, I presume we would simply have a bloated blue dead smurf. The only way I could see a person initiating a smurf choking would be to instigate it. Go tell Handy that Brainy called Smurfette a loose-Lucy, my bet is that Handy chokes Brainy until he turns white.

  Master Barker asks: How can beer pong enhance one’s ability to meet an alien?

  Barker, beer pong is an interesting medium. I think it can not only increase your ability to meet an alien, but also increase your ability to do several things, such as operate a piece of heavy machinery or juggle gas powered chainsaws while smoking. The key is in the pong, not just the beer. When the beer is gone, try substituting other tonics. Recomended: gin, espresso. Not recomended: milk, listerine (trust me…). Whiskey is tricky. You may meet an Alien, but more than likely you’ll punch them in the face before a formal introduction. Remember, elbows behind the line.

  WarlockLink asks,Why is Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past so awesome?

  Mainly because its the perfect game. Its got the unlikely hero, the pretty princess, and the evil villain and his countless minions. As well as a great story, parallel universes, side-plots and quests, a place called Death Mountain, was one of the first games that would change the character when you got new weapons/armour, a boomerang, a better boomerang, chickens, a mysterious forest, a sword in the stone, a triforce, a secret society of underwater mermen, running, fighting, jumping, puzzles, more princesses, monsters, mayhem, graveyards, secret passages, bombs, better bombs, running shoes, magical wands, a tranquil town, you can catch butterflies, fairy babes, a simple map/with tons to explore, and on and on….

  Tim asks, I want to write for you guys, what should I do?
  
  There are two routes mainly. The first and easiest would be to lavish us with gifts, and not cheap crap, I mean some expensive grade A stuff. I would like a Movado watch, Louis Vuittion wallet, iphone, and anything else that you can think of. The second route is to first aquire a Phd in writing, English, or composition and then wait for our current hiring freeze to be over with. We had a little trouble with balancing the books so we can’t really afford to pay ourselves right now let alone take on a new employee. Though I suppose once world peace is established things will calm down around here. And you know how world peace is, always just around the corner.

  Hisdon asks, What are your thoughts on Alabama?

  I never really gave much thought at all about Alabama. I know very little about it other than its location on a map and its state abbreviation. What do I think about Alabama? Well I’ll tell you. Its next to Mississippi and Georgia and its AL. Thats all the thought I ever gave to it. Its in the south…I’ve thought that too, but if I was in Uruguay, I’d think its in the north. What do you think of Alabama?

  The Great White Ninja asks, What’s your favorite color in Magic: The Gathering?

  Blue. No green! AHHHHHHHHHH!!

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2 Comments

1. #1 JeZeP says:
   March 15th, 2010 at 2:44 pm

   Great site, Great article