So here you have it. DestructoMaximo’s top 10 movies of all time. Ever. Without question.

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10. Labyrinth

About once every ten years, Bowie comes out of hiding to show everyone he is still the coolest man alive. In the 00’s, we had Zoolander, where Bowie walks into the underground walk-off like some god of hipness to offer his hand in judgment. In the 90’s he teamed up with Trent Reznor, at the height of his relevance, to collaborate on “I’m Afraid of Americans,” a sentiment held by the entire world and most Americans. But it was in the 1980’s that Bowie cemented himself as the epitomized cool of my generation’s youth. He sported a perfectly feathered and blow-dried Euro-Mullet and looked like some half-lion, half-drag queen. Bowie the goblin king kidnapped a baby and creepily juggled a glass orb while leading the kid’s sister through his Jim Henson created labyrinth of Muppets to prove she loves her baby-brother enough to earn him back. We don’t really know why Bowie wants to keep the baby so badly, but it’s strangely Jacksonesque to watch him dangle the little brat over the Escher staircases in full creepiness. I still break into a “Dance, Magic Dance” number every once in a while for my wife. IMHO, The coolest Bowie was the transgender goblin king, but I’ll let you judge for your selves.

9. Ghostbusters

When I was 5, my dad took me to my first movie. When I was 6, that movie came out on VHS, and I rented it every Friday night for about a year. That movie was Ghostbusters. I can’t really tell you why it was such a great movie. I never (even at 5) thought Sigourney Weaver was particularly hot. Rick Morranis as a supporting character was a dumb choice, but an 80’s comedy prerequisite. It may have been the idea that scientists could drop their boring research and become adventure heroes (this fantasy got stronger as I aged and became a scientist). It could have been the complicated brotherly dynamic between the ghostbuster team. It could have been the underlying theme of ridding NY of its negativity in order to release its seedy demons (a theme that was, unfortunately, smashed into our skulls in GB2…to horrible results). But really, I think it boiled down to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man being awesome and hearing the word “ass” on screen. What do you want from a 5 year old?

8.  The Life of Brian

I want to start out by saying it is not obligatory to include a Monty Python film on a nerd site, this movie deserves to be here. What if you were born on the same day as Jesus, right next door, and were constantly mistaken for the messiah? The very idea of having to spend your life in the shadow of Jesus is hilarious and sad. Have Monty Python tackle the subject and you have comedic perfection. After all, “Life’s a piece of shit, when you look at it!”

7. A Beautiful Mind

If any of you have read this (looooong) book, you know what a feat it was to get it turned into a movie. Quite frankly, I can’t come close to understanding how this was pitched to a studio. “Um, we have this antisocial genius who is an expert on game theory. He was a recluse for years due to crippling mental illness, and oh, he won the Nobel Prize in economics. Can we turn his life story into a movie?” John Nash is absolutely a genius, if you’ve read any of his work on game theory you know that already. His recent outspokenness on how Keynesian economics has destroyed the fabric of the US and how we should revert back to the gold standard brought him back into the intellectual mainstream and put this movie back on my top 10 list. Read the book, read his papers, then watch the movie (if you haven’t done the first two, do them and watch it again).

6. Godfather

When family is involved, everything is personal. When my little brother was sniped with a bb gun by the neighborhood bully, I reluctantly went to his door, pulled him out of the house, and told him if he ever bothered my brother again I would make his life unpleasant. That night I crawled into their yard ninja style and shut their power off. In the Godfather, Michael returns from the war intent on living a normal life. His father runs the most influential mafia family in the states, and is intent on having Michael take over the family business. Much like I was happy not interacting with my asswipe bully neighbor, it took the pride-filled defense of my family to get me involved. When Michael’s father was gunned down after refusing to put a hand into the drug racket, Michael had no choice but to take the situation into his own hands and involve himself in the family in order to avenge the attack on his dad. Sometimes you need to readjust your moral scale in order to wage war against the greater of two evils.

5. E.T.

What’s the first thing you think of when you see Reese’s Pieces (ooh, a piece of candy!)? Or when your ancient grandfather points his shaky finger at something he’s cranky about (ouch)? How great was it when you first heard a pint-sized Drew Barrymore utter the words “penisbreath?” This movie made every boy (and probably girl) from my generation ride their bikes (ah, memories of my awesome star wars huffy) off of home made ramps imagining cruising weightlessly across the moon. Aside from this awesomeness, the movie also taught us not to fear aliens, lessons about racism, that feds should be hated (a point reinforced years later when my freaker friends had their towers confiscated, shutting down our BBS), and that sometimes your parents aren’t perfect. In short, E.T. is awesome. A collector’s edition of ET dressed up in a sundress greets you as you walk into my house.

4. Raiders of the Lost Ark

This movie invented the adventurer stereotype, making all re-watchings pale in comparison to that first time in the theater. Adventure bound history nerd, Indy, is hired by the government to find the ark of the covenant…the literal holy grail of archeologists. He has an obligatory arch nemesis who is content to let Indy do all of the footwork so he can steal the ark. If this weren’t enough, there is also a band of Nazis he gets to foil on the way to the ark. Did I mention a hot lady who starts off hating him until the sexual tension boils over? We could replace the ark with the destruction of the Deathstar, the Nazi’s with the Empire, The nemesis with Jaba (or Fett, really), and the leggy blonde with the rebel princess. Whatever, the equation works, the direction works, and Ford works Han without the MF.

3. Fellowship of the Ring

Long ago ZM and I used to run around in the woods located behind each others’ houses. Each were deemed Mirkwood, and we often had to fight dragons, orcs, and spiders. These novels were, and quite possibly still are, one of the greatest series of books ever written. When I first heard they were being made into live action movies I was a bit nervous, but what Peter Jackson did was nothing short of miraculous. Each scene had the perfect feeling. The Shire was happy and cheerful, Rivendell was magical and foreign, and everything felt and looked exactly as it should. Peter Jackson was able to do something Lucas could only dream of, making a movie with CGI feel real. Lucas’s graphics are corny and cartoonish, while Jackson only uses them to enhance the scene, make things look more epic, and draw you further into the picture he is painting. Quit oppositely Lucas pushes the viewer away. Now there are a few scenes I take issue with, the shield skateboard in Two Towers, and sliding down the oliphant’s trunk as it dies in Return of the King, but the rest of the movies are so great that I have chosen to overlook them. Also interestingly I’m not scared of the prequel to this movie, I’m sure Jackson will best Lucas in that respect as well.

2. Empire

“No, there is another.” With these words, spoken by Yoda to Obi-Wan immediately after sending Luke off on a death mission and telling him to sacrifice his friends for the sake of their cause, I was transformed into something new. Why would Yoda, a good guy in my 8 year old mind, tell Luke to let the other good guys die Was Lando a good guy? My boys were just ambushed by the Empire in Bespin! Was Boba Fett bad, or just trying to do the job he was hired to do? It seemed as if no one was all good, and no one was all bad. Even Luke had much anger in him, much to learn he still has as he throws away the rest of his training…at least we know Vader is definitely all bad. For the first time in my young life there was a gray area. Before Empire there were good guys and bad guys. Friends and enemies. Autobots and Decepticons. Professor X and Magneto. You get the point. Now there was something new, people were more complicated. I started to like Han more than Luke because of his relative badness. I went through the awkwardness of puberty for 20 years, but when we learned that Luke was Vader’s son, I knew it had taken me 2 hours to become a man. I went into the kitchen and gave my dad a hug, and then I checked to see if his arm was mechanical.

1. Braveheart

Braveheart is the first and only movie I have openly cried watching with my friends as an adult. It was ok, they were crying too. We didn’t cry when young William’s father was hauled back dead from battle, or when his wife’s throat was slit by the English in the middle of the village. Those events made us William Wallace. They filled us with all of the raw rage, power, and FTM do-or-die that pumped through William Wallace’s veins as he trashed (and mooned) the English in epic bloody broadsword wielding battles. Like watching a football game we all roared at the TV during those fights. We all high-fived when he finally got to toss the beans to Princess Isabelle. But it was the unexpected, heart wrenchingly defiant scream of FREEDOM as he is being publicly disemboweled that we all noticed the streams of tears on each other’s faces. I am 7/8 Swede and 1/8 Scott, that 1/8 was very proud by the end of this movie…burn it.

Related Articles: Top 10 Problems with Modern Movies

10. The Harvey Girls

The HG reign from Kansas, but are currently in Portland, OR. Like most of these bands, I stumbled onto them via a recognition on a music blog. The band was formed by husband and wife team Melissa Rodenbeek and Hiram Lucke. The sound is a lot like blending perfect 60’s pop music with the most far out Sonic Youth background stimulus. Still mostly unknown, the band isn’t afraid to just write whatever makes them happy, which is great pop that still manages to scare you a little. Check out their web site for some free music samples. I recommend “Good Morning, Bubblegum,” which is the perfect song to make you not so miserable about driving to work in the morning.

9. The Postal Service

Being an old cranky bastard, I really don’t know how popular the Postal Service is with “the kids.” I do know that it is freaking interesting. Ben Gibbard of Death Cab for Cutie (Who you should NOT write off if you are not a DCFC fan, I did originally and severely regret it now as I play musical catch-up. All-Time Quarterback is another worthwhile project) and producer Jimmy Tamborello sent bits of tracks back and forth through the mail (hence, the postal service), adding to the track each time they received another bit. The result is incredible timings that bounce between dense walls of aural fury to perfectly placed silence. The build up of “National Anthem” is not to be missed.

8. The Vaselines

This Scottish band has been dormant since 1990, but should not be overlooked. The band never gained a foothold in any charts, but influenced several bands over the years, including covers by some of the biggest bands in history. Nirvana not only covered their songs live, but also recorded “Molly’s Lips” and “Jesus Want Me for a Sunbeam” (title changed for album). Awesomely catchy songs with a lo-fi feel make for a cult dynasty; plus, you can’t go wrong with songs titled “Monsterpussy.”

7. Bishop Allen

Bishop Allen have been, until very recently, notoriously difficult to see live. This added a strange mystique t the indie rockers that doesn’t quite fit the upbeat nature of their songs. Every single track is a psychological insight, making it feel like the result of a therapy session instead of the usual hum-drum happy-go-lucky pop we’re used to. There is no faked melancholy, no pretentious lesson teaching, just honest songs that resonate for days after you listen (see especially “ghosts are good company”). You may recognize the melody to “click, click, click, click” from a Sony camera commercial.

6. The National

Being a band is not easy, especially in Brooklyn. When you’re unknown, you are playing to people who only like you because you are unknown. The moment someone wearing your tee shirt sees someone else on the street wearing your tee shirt, you’re over. You are a NYC has-been. The tricky thing is that you need those fickle hipsters to generate the buzz that will bring in the music lovers. The National caught my attention by addressing this issue in the song “Lit Up” where they sing: “Nothing like this sound I make/That only lasts the season/And only heard by bedroom kids who buy for that reason.” Anyone trying to make a band work has felt this same frustration. The National made it through this transition by writing kickass rock songs.

5. New Pornographers

What do bands Destroyer, Immaculate Machine, Maow, Cub, The Evaporators, Age of Electric, Superconductor, and Limblifter have in common? They all have members in the Canadian band The New Pornographers. Lead songwriter A.C. Neuman crafts complex songs, both lyrically and melodically, that also achieve the tough task of being catchy. Soft lyrics from Neko Case don’t hurt either. The bands fourth album, 2007’s Challengers, has been panned by critics as less edgy than their previous ventures. I disagree. Challengers blends the quiet comfort of indy-pop with the complexity and harshness of the Pixies, like Linus’ security blanket, except with fiberglass woven in (or a sweater made of live kittens). What a great band, go listen to them now.

4. Built to Spill

Built to Spill is one of those bands that are stuck in the golden 90’s catch 22 of being successful versus maintaining integrity. Like most bands that found success in the northwest with subpop, K-Records, or KillYrIdols, they got squashed by fans who saw their major label signing as the end of an era. What they have managed to do, however, is turn a deaf ear to both record executive pressure and nay-saying scenesters an continuously push out challenging and honest records for the better part of two decades. While they are probably the most well known band on the list, they still play the songs they want to play seated comfortably just outside of the spotlight.

3. Preston School Of Industry

Rising out of the ashes of Pavement like a flaming pigeon (as opposed to a phoenix) came PSOI. Whether Scott Kannberg (Pavement’s Spiral Stairs) wanted to shy from the spotlight, or if he was held there by Steve Malkmus is unclear. Was Malkmus an overbearing dictator who fed his own ego by maintaining the title of lead songwriter, or was Spiral the lazy slacker who really did only pen one or two songs to Malkmus’ twenty? The truth doesn’t matter much to me, but as a Pavement fan I held a special place for SK’s relaxed, lazy, California soaked chords and lyrics. I had no idea that it was possible for him to helm an entire LP, let alone 2 (with one more in the works? COME ON SCOTT!). He’s had help along the way from friends in the Minus 5 and Wilco, but the end result is 100% Spiral. Solitaire is one of the catchiest songs I have ever heard. That’s all I have to say about that.

2. Neutral Milk Hotel

This band made up for the worst name in musical history by making one of the best records in musical history, “In The Airplane Over The Sea.” The record was spawned from the globally-common mutual reaction to the death of Anne Frank. The band’s chief songwriter and lyricist, Jeff Magnum, recognized the range of emotions Frank’s name inspires and set it to music. While the specific relation to Frank can be hazy or faint at best on most of these songs, the album itself is a wealth of emotional, scuzzy (in the best possible way), and sincere catharsis you’re likely to find on any recording of the past 20 years. Rumor (seems to always) have it that there is more NMH in the works. I can only hope.

1. Animal Collective

Four friends who enjoy recording and performing their own music start playing together. Said four friends create their own label to push the music they make. The music they make is something most critics and listeners find it tough to define. Animal collective will bounce from minimalist guitars to overwhelming chaos to psychedelic barbershop quartet in a matter of one song. As tripped out as they may feel at times, they are (imho) the antithesis of prog rockers and jam bands. There is no mindless noodling here in their chaos, and there is no overproduced, over layered arpeggio smacking nonsense either. Everything just seems to fit. I watched this fourth of July’s fireworks and as it came to the finale there were so many explosions it seemed pointless. The entire sky was lit up to the point where you couldn’t differentiate between the blasts, or see the patterns of each explosive. It seemed pointless to me. As the inevitable smoke came in and clouded the show there was a huge low rumble, and through the smoke there were perfect balls with halos rising and falling. No one could hear anything except the fuzz, they all just stood in silence looking up at something beautiful that could not have been planned for. I thought to my self, ah…that’s what the Animal Collective are getting at. The collective beauty through the chaos.

10. We are too erratic, we should stick to gaming.

Yeah, it’s hard to be stuck to gaming when we spend so much time stuck to your mother—OH!!!!! So what, we game. While we make it clear that we, our selves, are gamers, we never stated that this was a gamer site. In fact, we have repeatedly stated that this site is an extension of our ridiculous real-life conversations. We are both college educated lads with scientific degrees, we are a bit more diverse than just gaming. Besides, after a 14 hour Magic session and a 12 pack of mountain dew you can get sort of gamed-out. You want games, go to IGN. You want nonsense, come to OW.

9. We are not/terrible/failed journalists.

Ah, yes. I fell into software development when my career as a blurb writer fo some hip indie press didn’t pan out. Did we ever claim to be journalists? Have I ever asked you to proofread my New Yorker submissions? No. I sat in a pub, or in my living room, yelling at/with zeromage, and we decided to publish it. I think the moment of clarity was when zero said to me “You are such a stubborn, stodgy, ridiculous a-hole, but I can guarantee someone on the internet would still agree with you.” Thusly, old-wizard was born.

8. We are stuck perpetually in 1994.

Can’t really argue here. As far as I’m concerned it’s always 1994, 1994 just gets better every year. My acne cleared up and I got a girl to marry me, didn’t see that coming 14 years ago.

7. We destroy your myspace inbox.

Hey jackass, easy fix: delete us as a friend if you don’t like it. We send them out when we publish new articles. We’re on MS solely to keep people abreast of our new content, we have no desire to have more fans or friends than Tilla Tequilla. We will never mention that name on this site ever again, I promise.

6. We are not funny.

We are not funny because you have no sense of humor. We are offensive because you have no sense of humor. You don’t like us because you have no sense of humor. That’s fine, that’s why there are literally millions of websites on the internet, to cater to everyone’s tastes. Just because you play games doesn’t mean you need to like us. Hell, I don’t eat meat but I can’t stand Peta.

5. We are Nintendo fan-boys.

Do you want to know why I hate SEGA? There are 2 reasons why my hatred runs so deep. 1) My original nes still works, and so do all of my games. 2) SEGA made me buy SEGA CD and it made me play Sewer Shark. I saved up my hard earned money, and do you know how long I played it? As long as it took Metallica to play its Woodstock 94 set. Nintendo had awesome add-ons. Even U-Force was pretty awesome. When the power glove proved lame, it was still a rad accessory to my Darth Vader Halloween costume when I was 14. Sega burned me, and it burned me badly. It will never be forgiven and Sonic 3D made me throw up several times. Not even the glory of NHL 94 (how many 1994 references is that?) could redeem my tainted (lol, i said taint) opinion of sega. Not even Brodie yelling “Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, the Whale, they beat Vancouver, what, once, maybe twice in a lifetime?” can change my mind. Go to hell Sega, and take your fan boys with you.

4. We perpetuate the idea that video games lead to violence.

This complaint ranks up there with the complaints we receive about out scariest games article. What would you do if Tipper Gore went on CNN today and proclaimed Bayou Billy was ruining the youth of America? Would you take it seriously, or would you post that shit on youtube for the entire planet to laugh at? Yet, you take us seriously. Us. Old-Wizard, the duo that brought you the top ten reasons to not use a public bathroom. Really? REALLY?

3. We are factually inaccurate.

This is untrue. We have a team of fact checking donkeys that are mind-linked with the interwebs and three kittens who have each memorized one third of the 1994 version of Encyclopedia Britannica who edit every single article we write before we ever even write it. We’re thorough, bichez.

2. We just don’t care what our readers think of us.

You got us here. We really just don’t care.

1. We are Oasis obsessed.

This is as much an inside joke as it is true. When Zero and I first ran into each other after not seeing each other since we were about 9, we had this argument. I am much louder than Zeromage. MUCH, much louder. I was shouting about how the Beatles were the greatest group ever, and that any group that comes close to their greatness will never reach it because they have unavoidingly taken something from the Beatles in the process. Zeromage stood up to me with the argument that Oasis was a better band than the Beatles. Zeromage honestly believes this as fact. He has arguments, facts, statistics, spreadsheets, and EERDs of data warehouses devoted to this fact. Not only that, but he has a gang of friends who have his back on this. For years, every time we ran into each other, we would end up in a shouting match about this. His dedication to his cause, and his painstaking research on the topic, have made it impossible for me to win the argument. Although I (DM) do not agree, I can not beat Zero and I have conceded and allowed the official stance of OW to proclaim its man-love for Oasis. Whatev…

This cranky guy’s habanero home brew:

So here’s the short of it, this guy was a freaking toolbox from Aspen who brews beer when he’s not day trading or being a CFO or some other rich person bs. He was not nice, and he was very arrogant about his beer (he wouldn’t let my wife try his beer because her judges sheet was not visible when she asked for a sample). So anyhow, this jackass had this amber ale that he brewed with fresh habeneros. He claimed it was SO HOT that normal people and women should not even try it. He was saying this to someone who has a pepper garden in his back yard and actively seeks out the hottest possible food he can find (Btw, currently it’s Mad Dog 357 Special Edition hot sauce…it’s the hottest sauce I can find that’s still considered a condiment and not an additive, like Blair’s…but I digress). The heat of the beer was slim to none, maybe a little bite in the tonsils somewhere in the aftertaste, but because of the additional sugar in the peppers this beer packed a gravitational wallop! It was 8.6 abv and the only wet-hopped amber ale I’ve ever had, which seriously aided in the long bitey finish (according to spell check I just invented the word “bitey”). I did not tell the buttplug who brewed it, but this beer was the highlight of the day for me.

Southern Tier: Choklat Stout Imperial Chocolate Stout:

This is some seriously high octane stout at 11% abv, but it may also be, nay, it is the best tasting chocolate stout I’ve ever had…EVEN BETTER than Young’s, which holds a very special chamber in my heart. The chocolate they used must have been the darkest they could find, because this brew isn’t plagued by the typical over-sweetness of the chocolate normally found in these fickle libations. For the amount of booze in this masterpiece, it is incredibly drinkable. It is a limited edition though, so please go find it soon.

North Coast: Old Stock Ale

This old ale is a DEEP amber when poured, and was almost ruby when I held it up to the light. This is not a beer to wash down pizza, nor is it a beer to cool you off after a long summer day. I picture the ideal location and circumstance of this beers consumption completely across the nation from where I tried it in their Ft Bragg, CA brewery. I picture my self with a snifter of this hoppy brew by a fireplace in VT, snow pants still on, with my feet up. That’s the only way I can describe this beer’s intense and mellowing flavor. It tastes like a VT winter.

Moat Mountain Brewing Co: Coffee Brown Cask Ale

I spent this fall’s peak in the White Mountains with my wife. While driving through the Mount Washington valley we passed what looked like a ski gondola that had crashed to its demise on the side of rt 16. The building read Moat Mountain Brewery and Smokehouse. Of course we were stopping. This beer will be tough for most of you to find. They insist on doing all of their own distribution and shipping, so they never make it further south or west than Portsmouth New Hampshire stores. If you do happen to somehow stumble upon growler of theirs, guard it with your life! Every single brew is painstakingly crafted with love at the smokehouse. This particular beer was made in one 5 gallon batch (sorry…), and was hand pulled for me at exactly 11:07 a.m. EST on October 4th, 2008. It’s hard to describe what an amazing beer does to you when that first sip slides through you like an inside out hug. The notes of locally roasted coffee nestled happily in this lightly carbonated malty heaven of a beer gave me goose-bumps. I immediately told the bartender that would pay whatever they wanted for a growler of this gem, but he refused. He said “No amount of money wil get those 64 oz of beer back.” Well put. I ended up taking home a growler of their smoked porter and their Cathedral Lager, which would both make my top 5 beers of the year on their own legs.

Anyhow, thanks for visiting Old-Wizard this year. Thanks to all of the readers who left positive comments, and also thank you to the readers with the guts to stand up for their own geekdom. I hope these periodic brew-news articles inspire you to step outside of the box and try some local beers. Coors and Bud won’t miss you, and your local breweries could definitely use you on their side.

Skal!

Destructo

I guess I’m in the minority, but I personally love the music articles you guys write. You’re Top 5 Worst Music Magazines and Top 10 Ways to Tell if You Don’t Know Anything About Music lists were funny and so true. I had a few music related questions for you guys:

Do you guys really think Oasis is better than the Beatles?

If we were basing this answer as if O-W were a pie chart, then cumulatively yes, Old Wizard thinks Oasis is better than the Beatles. HOWEVER, I am DestructoMaximo, and although a minority here at OW, I believe that the Beatles are the greatest band ever. Take away the fissionability, the suits, the hair, the lunchboxes, and even the star power of each member individually, and you are left with the greatest albums (IMnsHO) of all time. Leaving the fanaticism and glory of Sgt Pepper alone, you can take the white album or Abbey Road and place them up against any album that has come before or after it and it competes, then destroys. The white album is a double LP, but every single song on the album has been my favorite track at one point of my life. The Beatles were seemingly incapable of creating filler, and in my eyes they were the greatest band of all time.

Would you guys ever write a Top 10 or Top X all time best bands?

We have attempted to undertake this task several times, but keep in mind it is a matter of opinion. People feel music in their hearts, and their hearts are based on several factors that don’t take statistics into consideration, so it’s all objective. My top 10 bands change daily, so every time we make a list we end up revising it daily. If you were to ask me today, and just me, not OW collectively, it would look like this:

10. Radiohead
9. The Black Crows
8. Modest Mouse
7. Alice in Chains
6. Built to Spill
5. Wilco
4. Led Zeppelin
3. The Rolling Stones
2. Pavement
1. The Beatles

..But that will probably all change by the time you read this.

What do you guys think about American Idol type shows?

I think that they are a marketing tool that exposes the sludge of the current American recording industry. They hand pick a voice and a smile, use their own market tested people to mold those voices and smiles, force them to sing time-tested generic songs, dress them in generally accepted clothes, poll the largest focus group in history to see who will move the most records, back them with their own impersonal studio musicians, and then sell them like auditory slaves who are indentured to the industry by their once-in-a-lifetime contracts.

Why is Sweden ahead of the US on your music countries list?

The long answer is that we wanted to raise attention toward a mostly culturally forgotten country whose undeniable contributions to pop culture and music are grossly overshadowed by their geographical proximity to the north pole, funny accents, a Muppet, beautiful women, and Viking history. The short answer is: to piss you off.

And why isn’t Canada on the list (especially ahead of Germany)? You couldn’t even give it an honorable mention ahead of Iceland?! Do you guys like Rush?

OK, this is a 2 part question. Let me start by saying, no. I do not like Rush. Lee’s voice makes me want rip my ears off. Are they great musicians? Sure, but so am I and I didn’t put the US at #1 because I live here.

The next question is tough. I think you could argue that every country deserves to be on the list (except for maybe Vatican City and those countries who believe music and dancing is grounds for capitol punishment). Especially now, Canada is pumping out amazing and unique music. Bands like The Arcade Fire and The New Pornographers are rewriting our notions of what pop music can sound like. Plus, I was at Bonhomme last year in Quebec City and I saw some amazing bands from all over Canada that made me think my local scene was lame in comparison…but maybe that was all of the La Fin Du Monde and XXX I was drinking while I was up there (btw, Canadian readers, wtf is in Caribou? The drink, not the animal. It’s like Canadian Absinthe!).

Do you guys ever listen to any Asian music?

Sadly, the only Asian music I have heard it the Asian music that gets brought to the states as a novelty. Pizzicato 5 was a favorite of mine in this category. Truth be told, Americans do not get very many musical imports (that they aren’t sort-of making fun of). The most Asian music I’ve listened to was in France, when I shared a room at EM Lyon with 2 Lebanese kids.

Thanks, guys. I love your site. Keep doing music articles no matter what anyone says.

Thank you! ~DM

10. Blue Pens

Whoever was writing one day and thought “F%CK, I know this black ink perfectly contrasts on this white paper, but I just GOTS to have blue!” is seriously my hero. As a bonus, when you have a cubicle wall covered in data tables all printed in black (because your company doesn’t think you’re high enough on the totem pole to use the color printer) there’s nothing like mapping those relationships in blue to make those one-to-many’s pop. Don’t get me started on red pens.

9. Internet Trolls

Twice in a recent David Thorne interview (the “pay my bill with a spider drawing” guy) he stated he has a skil of reciting every prime number backwards from 909,526. There was NO MENTION of the fact that 909,526 is an EVEN NUMBER. I laughed (that word is the old English phrase for “lol”) for like half of my lunch.

8. Having a Job

I can buy things, like sandwiches and computers. Sandwiches should be on this list, by the way, but I nixed it because you need sandwiches. I could say that my favorite thing is oxygen, because it’s awesomely explosive; but I’d feel like I was cheating, because you need oxygen to survive. Where was I? Oh yeah, sandwiches are awesome.

7. Beer

I love beer. I am past the age of binge drinking Natty Ice or Beaster in some sticky frat house with some random skank as my beer-pong partner in order to get her to hug me when I sink a cup. Now I play beer pong with Guinness, and my wife, in my own house. Love those beers…I keep getting older, and they just keep making my life seem better.

6. Robots

Come on, Bender, nerdy dudes doing the robot at your school’s talent show, me doing the robot with my grandma at my wedding, robots destroying the earth, Transformers, the robots that put robots together, building robots out of Legos and Constructs…robots. They’re for real.

5. Being Tall

In crowded concerts, stores, theaters, flash mobs, and fires, I can see over everyone. The big plus is in a crowded pub, when above the mass of drunkards, the bartender can see me.

4. Pants that are 2 inches too long

This goes along with being tall and skinny. No one makes pants that are 32 waist 36 length. When you do find a pair of cords that fit, and you can sit down without exposing your knees, it is a blissful feeling. Shout out to all of my lanky brothers out there.

3. Math jokes

I know, I know…half of the lists we make are pi, but all of your friends are the square root of negative one.

2. Feedback in a Guitar Solo

Feedback is the unsung god tool of guitarists. Guitars were made to mimic the sound of the human voice. The blues started bending strings to mimic the whine and whimper of the sad man. What the f%ck is more rock and roll than the ear shattering shriek of pure angst and desperation. Listen to Jimi’s Machine Gun or Star Spangled Banner, or Built to Spill’s version of Cortez the Killer to see what I’m getting at here.

1. Obvious insults

These are funny on two levels, uniqueness and simplicity. Calling someone “fathands,” “bigeyes,” or “redshirt (especially if their shirt isn’t red)” is about the funniest thing in the world to me. No one can argue with an obvious insult. It’s like having your 4 year old cousin tell your uncle he is bald at Thanksgiving. Of course he is! Why wouldn’t you tell him? If a four year old can say it, I can too, fat hands.

It’s the prime of the political season and everyone is going ape-shit over who their going to vote for and why. What causes this exaggerated mania? There are many reasons. Everywhere you look in modern mediums of communication, you hear about the presidential election like we are approaching the apocalypse. You are being force fed canards about how important it is to vote and how your vote “counts”. In this brief list, we will go through the reasons why not to vote, and how this over-exaggeration for having to vote is not the God given privilege of being “civically responsible”, but the animal herd trying to express it’s identity in it’s banality.

5. You’re in a state that always votes the same way.

Why the hell are you going to vote in a state that you know is going to for democratic or republican? If I live in Connecticut, I know how it’s going to vote. If I live in Kentucky, I know how it’s going to vote. Alaska, Massachusetts, Texas, ect. Your vote doesn’t matter because the 95% of the states in the union are out of play. So why are you getting so excited about something you have no impact over? The reason why will be shown later in this list.

This is the most popular answer I hear from people that don’t vote. WAKE UP! If you let the same people vote every year you’re going to see the same results every year. It’s not an uphill battle to induce change in a democracy, it’s one of the few instant gratifications we have! In CT alone, which is a tiny state to begin with, 113,028 2004 registered voters just didn’t vote, forget about those too lazy to even register. The youth (<35) have the lowest voter turn out rate in the nation and WE HAVE THE MOST TO GAIN. You want a viable third party candidate, you want to see a red state turn blue, or do you want your home state to be a battle ground, garnering national attention from politicians every four years? then vote, dummy.

4. There is no REAL difference between the candidates

When you look at the candidates’ actual policies, there isn’t much of a difference. The main difference between these candidates is their character differences. The nation is in debt, the stock market is in borderline depression, and golden parachutes are flying out with carefully crafted insurance policies made out just for them. These problems all need to be dealt with and they will be dealt with in circumscribed ways. With economics as the main “issue” for the voter, the problem will lie in the expertise of the treasury and federal reserve. Whoever is in office will appropriately follow suite. The differences one sees now are political differences, and for this reason should be disparaged.

We, the people of the Unites States of America, are f-g fed up and cynical. CNN tells you that based on the button you pushed on your phone survey, that the economy is the most pressing issue with voters. Eff-that. Your bank account does not equal the economy, and the majority of voters are not economists. The character differences between the presidential candidates speak volumes about the nation we are going to be living in for the next four years. We have one side that is anti-gun control, incredibly pro-life, in favor of NSA privacy invasion, in favor of breaking international human rights violations in order to torture people into being 9-11 scapegoats, and would increase international hostility toward our nation. We have seen first hand the danger of rolling over and allowing the president to execute their ABUSE of executive power and it’s time to take a stand, YOUR VOICE IS YOUR VOTE!

3. You have an imagination beyond an immediate political reality

If you have a big imagination, chances are you probably have more important things to do than to worry about voting for the president. You probably have your own reading and writing that you do. You have your own friends who go out and have their OWN conversations about their OWN interests. You don’t watch TV slavishly thinking that you’re being informed by equally biased cable news channels like MSNBC and Fox News. Your mind’s in much more transcendental places even if their predictably categorized as “fantasy” by the herd.

In our nation’s history, there have been several people who have had imaginations that blasted way beyond their current political reality. Our nation’s founders imagined past England to a land where they could worship freely and let every man have a voice. Lincoln and Dr King imagined a world beyond slavery and segregation. I think the phrase “I have a dream” comes to mind. If we used our imaginations to sway our nation toward our own youthful dreams, we could rise up and demand a country that fights for our agenda.

2. You make more of a political impact by not voting, than voting

Think about it. What would happen if 90% of the population didn’t vote? With the United States standing in the world, this act would be seen as nothing other than an absolute lack of confidence by the US population. It would show that people no longer care about what happens in the beltway because they could take care of their own affairs. The beltway would then have to adapt to the population’s own wants and needs because of the newfound independence of the people. The more people vote, the more people are simply taking part in something they think they believe in, although they consistently tell people they don’t believe in the government because it has failed them. The herd is unaware of their own confusion.

This is true. By not voting you would have a much larger impact on the world than if you did vote. You would send a message to the world that we are a failed nation. You would throw a cloak of weakness over our nation that would signal to the rest of the world that we have rolled over and given up. As bad as we might think we have it, we have never fought a modern ground war on our own soil. What if we were taken over, or if we allowed an uprising of fanatics who were the only ones who did vote while we all stood by and watched? Have fun with a state run media. Have fun with your state owned land. Have fun being thrown in jail for a blog entry. We need to stop being a nation spoiled with freedom and re-educate ourselves to strengthen the freedoms we have compromised and gain the freedoms we lack. You can only do that with a vote.

1. You don’t need politics to give yourself an identity

You are who you are regardless of the relative issues at hand dealt with by relative people in a relative culture. Why would you identify yourself with this relativity? Because you don’t know any better and are caught up in a presence that you think will have a massive impact for the future, the future of the next 10-20 years, within an estimated universal history of billions of years. Spare the universe your all-to-human pretensions of change and destination and de-identify yourself with any present reality. Real change is that which is absolutely unpredictable and is able to transcend man’s categories of time. Political change is just man playing games with that which he thinks is important, but is simply the lack of a larger understanding of how the universe works.

Your politics should be a result of your identity, not the other way around. This is why we choose (or create!!!!) a party. Is the health of the planet your bag? Go green. Do you Want to keep your guns and get the feds off of your land? Go Libertarian. Do you think abortion is murder and there’s rampant godlessness in our schools and government? Vote republican. Your identity gives you your politics if you have a mind of your own. Don’t insult your self and humanity by claiming you won’t vote because you don’t want politics to define you. Define your self, then vote accordingly. GO WHIGS!

Related Posts: Old-Wizard Officially Endorses Gene Amondson For President, Top 5 Reasons Not to Vote

Strong, heavy, and stout. These were three words associated with porters who worked the streets, docks and rivers of England and Ireland in the 18th and 19th centuries. Men who were the strongest and lifted the heaviest also craved the strongest and the heaviest when it came to their beer. They brewed with only the darkest roasted of the malts, which created the menacingly dark color of the mysterious brew. There are many stories in regards to the origin of the porter, with the most popular placing the first porters as a mixture of brown, pale, and extra-strong ale, being almost certainly fabricated. The closest to the truth is that beer in the 18th century was brewed by the breweries but aged and fermented by the distributors of the time. When you went to buy beer, it would be poured for you directly from the barrel into the container and needed to be consumed immediately. With Porters coming in after a long day of labor, the explanation of “yes, we have beer, but it’s still aging, so you can’t have any” would not be acceptable, and the resulting pour would be weak and immature ale. The breweries began to develop beer that was actually aged at the brewery and ready to be consumed the moment it hit the stores and pubs. The result was a fully mature, strong, dark beer that was immediately a hit with the industry’s largest demographic, the porters. The strongest and darkest of the porters were first called “extra porters,” but as the strongest beers had been drunk by the strongest men, these “extra porters” became known as “stouts,” for the extra stout men who drank them.

NERD ALERT:

While modern technology has removed the need for giant men who can drag half of a boat, the thirst for porters has only increased. Why? because to create that technology we have become stout in mind. Enter the math nerd (me!). We know the importance of understanding all of the parts of the equation in order to fully appreciate the whole. Watch a porter drinker’s ritual next time they order a pint. They will first take a deep sniff (any hints of mystery smells? Any notes of fruit or woods?) look at the head (is it firm, with the consistency of beaten egg whites?), next they will hold it up to the light (how red or amber is the glow through the body [by the way, Guinness is ruby red when looked at up to the light, beautiful!]? are there visible impurities?), then comes the sip, letting it sit in your mouth (what’s the beer texture? is it heavy? How does it feel in your mouth?), finally, we swallow (what is the finish? any after taste? what are the subtle notes?). Once we understand all of the parts of the solution, we can feel much more satisfied with knowing what that solution is, and the solution for any problem in my life is: a fresh pint of porter.

Recommendations:

Otter Creek’s Stove Pipe Porter, Moat Mountain Brewing’s Smoke House Porter and, of course, Guinness Draught.

If you haven’t read part one yet, read it here.

Alas! Beer has been bastardized by heathens who forgo science (and therefore taste) to supply automatons with mass produced, flavorless swill for mass consumption! If people who can’t think for themselves want to drink this sugary, watered-down garbage, more power to them. Their beverage choice makes it very easy to exclude them as possible conversationalists. For us nerds, however, the beer you choose speaks volumes about your nerdiness. To help you in your decisions, I give you:

THE BEER GUIDE FOR NERDS.

IPA (India Pale Ale)

History: If it were not for the IPA, you may not be alive right now. The brew gets its name from the English, who sent it off on the ships headed out in search of spices. IPA’s are packed with hops (the flower attributed to the majority of beers flavor), as hops are a fantastic preservative. The hops gave the beer a long enough shelf life to keep the sailors hydrated and scurvy free on their extended voyages. One expedition ran out of beer, and in a panic headed for shore as soon as shore was visible. The shore they stopped on would prove more historical than the world’s longest beer run, it was Plymouth, MA, and I think we know the rest of this story.

Nerd Alert: History and Philosophy nerds can be found sipping the bitter, complexly floral (and usually highly alcoholic) ale at the candle lit tables of pubs around the world. The IPA’s amber/cherry hue glows under the flame and perfectly accents the heated conversations of the historian’s mind. The American brewer often takes this beer as a challenge to see just how much complexity they can pack into it without allowing it to become too bitter, just like a philosopher!

Recommendations: North Coast’s Acme IPA, Lagunitas IPA

Coming soon:
Porter
Belgian
Lager
Barley wine
Cask ale
…and more!

From Ben:

Your Top 10 American Bands list is like a horrible train accident; I know won’t like what I see, yet I still feel compelled to look. Every list you guys come up with is utter trash, things like “ten reasons why oasis is better than the beatles.” This list turned out to be a quite an impressive list of idiotic frat-boy jam bands. I think you confused this with the Top Ten Bands People Stop Listening To When They Become Serious About Music list. I’m not sure why you keep putting the Flaming Lips on your music lists either. The only best of list the flaming lips should ever be on needs to be followed by the words ‘of’ and ‘terrible’. And Modest Mouse is NOT the second best band to ever come out of this country. Also checked out your “About Us” page, its like “is the web’s newest site for everything nerd.” Hahaha….do you think that’s cool or something? At least now I know what nerds lesson to. Anyway, you guys make some strange lists indeed. I think, the only one that made some sense to me so far, was the one about Swedish bands.

Before I go, let me teach you a little something about music. My List would have been this:

-The Beach Boys

-The Velvet Underground

-The Doors

-Ramones

-Talking Heads

-The Replacements

-The Pixies

-Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

-R.E.M.

-Steely Dan

Dear Ben,

I really almost don’t know where to start with this response, because although you make some valid arguments they are completely out of context given the nature of this article. If you had bothered to read the intro you would have noticed that there were a few points made that would have saved you the time and anger of writing this diatribe. Before I get to your list (let me thank you in advance for your free education on music) let me start with your letter.

I assume the “quite an impressive list of idiotic frat-boy jam bands” comment stems from the inclusion of moe. and Medeski Martin and Wood. While I hate labels, moe. could certainly be included in the jam band genre, so what? Have you ever sat and listened to an album by the band? I suggest “Tin Cans and Car Tires” as a starter. Just because a band gets thrown into a category so people at Borders can find them on the rack doesn’t mean that band doesn’t craft beautiful, well written, enigmatic songs that can rip dormant emotions out of you like forgotten photographs from your past. Anyone who has ever been on stage or in a band can relate to Happy Hour Hero, which is the first track that drew me into this band and made me look past the dreadlocked kid in my dorm that lent me the album ten years ago. I suggest you look past your own pre-conceived musical walls and do the same.

Medeski Martin and Wood DOES have a reputation within the jam band circle, but if (again…) you get past your own fear of labels and listen to EVEN ONE track at random from their extensive catalog you’ll see they are a three piece Jazz band; It’s drums, piano, and an upright. If you ever go to a MMW show, the crowd is split between the 25 dancing plastic hippies in the back and the hundreds of jazz fans sitting in the front listening intently to every hanging note. If you need more evidence of your ignorance, pick up Tonic, Notes From The Underground, or NPR’s Marian McPortland’s Piano Jazz featuring John Medeski. The latter is a combination of original tunes and Jazz classics including several Monk renditions, but judging by your list jazz isn’t your forte.

Speaking of your list, let’s take a quick look and your free music lesson. For starters, we originally made this list a top 20, and that was even a stretch. Congratulations, a total of one of your picks made it onto the top 20, but was cut when we chopped it down to 10.

The Beach Boys, seriously? They gave us Pet Sounds, an amazing album and one of the greatest American albums of all time, but they gave us a ton of worthless, bubble-gum, surfer-coattail-riding BS as well. Even Brian Wilson would admit shame over most of their catalog, and let us not forget the pink shirted Uncle Jesse playing congas with them on Full House…So you want to include a band that started out as worthless as the Monkeys, made one great album, and then jumped shark immediately? Suuuuure, see you there, champ. Thanks for the music lesson.

The Velvet Underground. If this band were created now, they’d be called The Black Glasses and Skinny-Jean Underground. These were hand picked by the FAKEST of hipster-scenester-fakes, Andy Warhol. For someone who hates jam bands and scene kids so much, you sure seem to be one. Andy Warhol was the product of 1 part nerd, 1 part advertising exec, 1 part LSD, and ZERO parts artist. Shake vigorously with velvet ice cubes and serve in a lava lamp to spoon feed the NYC hipsters of that generation. Lou Reed was ok on his own as a song writer (when he wasn’t a strung out, self serving, a-hole), but the band was art-school drop-out trash that the counterculture of NYC shat into the mainstream as a calculated spring board for a junky who wanted to be an icon. For honest avant-garde psycho-pop from NYC, check out Sonic Youth, #11 on our list before the final cut.

The very first freaking sentence of the introduction to this list stated “Sticking to bands within our generation helped narrow the long list of bands on our original roster, which was more like the top 1000 American bands.” So I will ignore The Doors, The Ramones, Tom Petty, and Steely Dan. I will say, however, that none of them belong in the Top Ten American Bands list.

If it weren’t for Automatic for the People, REM would be a one-sided forgettable post punk whine-fest with a one or two OK songs a decade. Good band? Sometimes, But not a top ten band…not even close.

Congratulations, young Ben, you now have your very own Top Ten posted here on our website. With this interwebular 5 seconds of fame, you may find people commenting on your bizarre list. We are nerds here, Ben, but not the wanna-be, frat boy, scene-hugging nerds that are sooooo in-style right now. We are two late-20 early 30-somethings that use this site as our personal time capsule to bring us back to the powerless, picked-on youth we endured and inject some humor into it. While we do get lots of yacht-rock loving cyber-pricks like you writing into us to say the same things we’ve heard all of our lives, there are, hopefully, plenty of readers who are empowered by our flagrant disregard of popular opinion in order to give our own strange ideas a soap-box we never had in our awkward, bullied youth. Go start your own site, jackass, and try to convince the world that Steely Dan is the greatest American Band. Good luck with that.

Hugs,

OW