Ask Old-Wizard: France

Ask Old-Wizard: France

Written by Sage 85 Comments
Last Updated:: October 29, 2009

Sage is back this week to answer some of our reader’s questions about France. That’s right, just when you thought Old-Wizard couldn’t get any more random, we do something like this. The real question should really be “Why is anyone asking us anything about France anyway?” Oh well, since Sage has actually been there, we figured he should be the one to answer this random assortment of France-related questions. Hope you enjoy:

Why do Americans hate the French so much?

Good question, I don’t know the exact answer. If it wasn’t for the French we wouldn’t have won the Revolutionary War, we wouldn’t have bought the Louisiana territory (an incredibly cheap deal made between Jefferson and Napoleon because the later needed some quick cash to trash the rest of Europe), or the Statue of Liberty. Historically we should like them, but they smell bad, eat weird things, have bad attitudes, and won’t give you extra syrup for hot cakes at McDonalds. Maybe the reason we don’t like them is that we had to save their asses twice from the Germans and still they had bad attitudes

Why are vacations in France longer than in the US?

I want to say that the French are lazy, because that would be funny, but I actually agree with this one. Stress at the work place is far from productive and vacations help get rid of that.

I am going to Paris. What do I HAVE to do while I am there?

I went to Paris once too. My hotel was near the Eiffel Tower, at least I think. Somewhere within walking distance from the hotel is a McDonalds, it’s on a corner if that helps. Go into this McDonalds during the morning hours and order hot cakes, if they are still on the menu ( I haven’t eaten at one in many years). Now this set of hot cakes will come with one syrup cup, which by American standards is far from enough. Pay attention because this is the tricky part, return to the counter and ask for an extra syrup cup. Most likely they will give you a shitty attitude, don’t let that phase you, stay strong and get your extra syrup…..for America. This is something you HAVE to do while you are there.

I went to France. The people were great what did you think?

You are obviously a French infiltrator trying to manipulate the opinions of us good and decent people. Nice try, we know you are all salty and superior acting, even though you are sticky and stupid. Nice try, Frenchman!

Have you ever had your picture taken with the Eiffel Tower as background?

Yes.

What is the worst time to say “Voila!”?

Right when you take your pants off.

What are some Napoleonic war strategies?

Well there’s the classic pincher move, the loopty loop, the 5 second rule, no givesys backsies, the Indian arm burn, calling it, running away, popping a wheelie, the human shield, bending, attack and release, and so on.

85 Comments

#1 Fedricco Rabaya says:
March 18th, 2010 at 11:21 am

Ok I admit I don’t like Germans but German women are hot!My father and his friend are about to fight a German guy here in the Philippines. The German was riding a motorcycle and using his motorcycle he inched nearer and nearer to my father’s friend’s motorcycle and my father’s friend fell in the canal. After that the German gave him the finger.
My father’s friend ask help from my father because the German is just so f*cking BIG. They are planning to fight the German. Next thing I know the German’s son died in a motorcycle accident and my father didn’t continue his plan. What will you get from fighting a bereaved father? Nothing. And yes the British and French did abuse all of their colonies but what do you expect? It’s human nature to bring glory for himself. We don’t work for others. We work for ourselves. The British treat their women like shit and use slaves. That was true. WAS is the word. Today they are the major pioneer in women’s rights and against slavery. REAL help. Not the kind of help America is giving.

#2 President Steve says:
March 18th, 2010 at 2:29 pm

@Fedricco:

You don’t think Europe has any expensive fighter planes? The EU makes more money than the US. So why don’t you complain about the EU bailing Africa out of poverty? I think its funny how the entire world blames America for all their problems. You have people in Africa blaming America for not pulling them out of poverty, yet, when the US does give African governments money, the corrupt governments either squander it, lose it, steal it, or use it to further oppress the citizens of their own countries. People need to start thinking before they blame the US for the messes they make.

Oh, and its funny how people keep saying the US didn’t do enough to end WW2. Guess what…Europe started the war. It was their freaking mess. Keep piling Kudos on the USSR for “winning” a war they were largely responsible for. I seem to remember them signing a non-aggression pact with Nazi Germany and both simultaneously invading Poland. Without that treaty Germany would have never invaded Poland. The USSR got what it deserved when Germany betrayed them.

#3 Nate says:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Africa is the ONLY continent that has a favorable opinion of George W. Bush. He did more for the fight against aids and poverty over there than pretty much any other president. It’s just everyone here hated Bush so the one good thing that he did do never gets brought up. And the US helps out everywhere. Don’t even give me that bullshit. Now you’re just being a jealous little hater Fredericco. Sad you’re country sucks? Oh and one final note on the the mighty USSR… If it wouldn’t have been for the US, your beloved USSR would have just kept going after they took Berlin… So regardless. The US ended WWII.

#4 Alberto says:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:34 pm

If We are going to start to call bastards each other, I want to contribute

I think, and this is my opinion that the British Nation is the epitome of an imperialist nation along with all abuse and oppression that comes with it.
The British Nation has exploited and stolen so many richies from the world, that even right now being only a small island with a few colonies, it still has the money to be considered a world power.

Where did they get that ammount of economical power?

It wasn’t produce in the Island, that is for sure

It came for conquering, abusing, exploiting and stealing other countries.

They also exported their own racial xenophobia which was evident in South Africa, USA and Australia

Thanks Britain! You gave me the Beatles and Oasis, but also contributed to the creation of the Ku Klux Klan and the Apartheid, when you send your criminals and uneducated to your colonies.

#5 Rabo Karabekian says:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:15 am

Oh, and it is the responsibility of the USA to fix all of the problems that you Europeans created? Not that I think it’s right for America to spend all of that money on “defense”, but really? Most of the problem couldn’t be fixed with just money anyway, a huge portion of the problem is the mind-set of people in African slums. It is the flaw of the agricultural self-preservation instinct: People starve, they produce more children, and they starve more; the cycle continues. Aid is just absorbed by the growing population, and the answer isn’t just infrastructure and economy – it’s deeper than that. It has a cultural and psychological level.

#6 Fedricco Rabaya says:
March 18th, 2010 at 1:39 am

I have to agree that all you said is true. But what I don’t like is that you Americans act as if you won the war and you keep on telling that the British and French would be speaking German right now if it weren’t for you. You hate the French? Why because other Americans said so? I feel the duty to defend France from all you Americans since you always attack the French people and culture. I have many French and British friends and I have to say that they are way better than you. You know the difference? Americans when they speak English they speak very loud so that people will notice their accent. Most of them don’t know anything about other cultures. They’re good in criticizing other cultures but they don’t even know where that country is or what’s the capital. Remember Talladega Nights? They portray the French as queer and gays but they don’t know anything about them. Most mothers are also listening to that Oprah who talks about exercise and savings yet she herself is overweight and has a golden toilet bowl.

#7 Alberto says:
March 18th, 2010 at 3:48 am

I have to make a little joke on the subject

What is worse than a French?

A FRENCH-CANADIAN

Is just a Joke!
I have nothing against Canadians or Frenchs

#8 Rabo Karabekian says:
March 18th, 2010 at 7:35 am

Fredricco. So to criticize a culture that you see as ethnocentric, you made broad unfounded statements stereotyping their ignorance? I can tell you that I am an American and I’m not unintelligent or ignorant – I just felt it necessary to defend myself. American-bashing is just so fashionable, it’s easy to earn some extra cool points by making fun of fat, dumb, Americans. Also Fredricco, Talladega Nights was a caricature of American stereotypes – that’s why it was funny. You just painted the most ironic picture that I have seen in along time, Fredricco. Thanks.

#9 Fedricco Rabaya says:
March 18th, 2010 at 10:05 am

First of all, I don’t believe in stereotypes. In American movies, you always see some stereotypes, the losers as you call, the cool guys, the jocks, cheerleaders, etc. When I went to America when I was twelve and I went to an American school I found out that that was not the case. It’s true to an extent but the smart kids can always mingle with the tough guys. Doesn’t mean that you are in the top class you don’t have boyfriends. Also, I made some friends there who are really good people. I also sincerely apologize if I myself am being such a bitch to Americans to the point of calling you all as fat, ignorant and other derogatory comments. I only did that because I was pissed in some comments about France. Actually my fascination about France started when I had a crush on this French girl which was way older than me. I have many crushes, by the way. new one like every month. But I did go there and really, it’s a nice place. One of the best experiences of my life.

#10 Vintage Junkie says:
March 18th, 2010 at 1:35 pm

The reason Americans hate French people is that they try to screw us any chance they get. Look at Roman Polanski. The guy is a convicted child molester. He ADMITTED to having sex and giving drugs to a 13 year old and then flees to France where of course, they will not send him back to the US. Its more important to them to screw the US than to put a child molester in jail. Even Vietnam prosecutes child molesters. France sucks.

#11 alberto says:
March 18th, 2010 at 3:06 pm

Have someone here eat snails?

How do they taste?

#12 Luis says:
March 18th, 2010 at 3:49 pm

@alberto, cooked snails are not as bad as one would’ve imagined, it depends on how they prepare them, but if you get an uncooked one the texture is just that of eating really big boogers.
Hope that helps.

#13 alberto says:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:20 pm

Thanks for the mental image

#14 Alberto says:
March 18th, 2010 at 10:40 pm

Why Americans hate French?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joan-z-shore/why-the-americans-hate-th_b_31497.html?p=2

#15 LEGONESFISH says:
March 18th, 2010 at 2:00 am

@Alberto
you’ve obviously only read 1/2 the history textbook, if you’ve read it at all. Yes, we got richer from our colonies, but a hell of a lot of our economical power comes from our little island (did you know we have the highest coal reserves in the world, second only to the USA, loads of oil in the North Sea, an abundance of woodland and farmland, and lots of fish?). Also, did you know our “oppressive,” nation was the first of the colonial powers to abolish slavery (1833, some 30 years before you) and in many places (India, most prominently) we let their king (called a Raj) stay on the throne, reigning upon his people? How on earth did we contribute to the KKK, seeing as how it started in Pulaski, Tennessee, an area we never colonised, and it started in 1865, almost 100 years after we left (using that logic, you could also say that we contributed to abolition of slavery in the USA, seeing as how that was 1865 as well)? Apartheid, perhaps we did contribute to Apartheid by not protesting enough, so you have a point there, but it was the Boers (descendants of the Dutch settlers, who possessed about 1/2 of what is modern day South Africa) who truly wanted Apartheid, we were quite liberal compared to them. South Africa was kicked out of the commonwealth, and generally we protested against the Apartheid Regime, and because it did not have majority rule, we didn’t even acknowledge Rhodesia as a state when it declared self-Independence. Overall we’ve done a lot, both good and bad, but weighing it up, Our Empire has had a positive influence on the world, with many countries imitating the British form of Democracy, Would you rather there be no railways anywhere (British Inventor, and it was common for us to “install,” them)? no factories (We were the first industrialised nation in the world)? and no democracy anywhere in the world (everywhere where we have been, and then left, we have left an imprint of democracy. One needs to look no further than Canada, India, South Africa and the USA for that)?

Long Live Imperialism and God Save The Queen!

#16 Fedricco Rabaya says:
March 18th, 2010 at 7:04 am

Fucking idiots of course you expect Britain to abuse her colonies that’s why they are called colonisers right? You colonise a country for your own glory not for theirs. That was before though. And oh, by the way, the blacks that the British brought to America were bought from black slavetraders who enslave other blacks.

#17 Aiki says:
March 18th, 2010 at 9:20 am

My 2 eurocents :

Paris is beautiful, okay ..
Frenchies smell bad .. wut ? Paris can smell bad, but people .. i don’t get it.

BUT.

Parisians aren’t the best choice for you to make your point about french people because I can’t say it differently : parisians are assholes 85% of the time and the place isn’t fucking cheap.
I live in Belgium, there’s shitloads of cities in France that are just beautiful with lovely people ( and some are shitty against yankees because they know what more of them think about France .. cyclic crap ).

Visit Paris for the city, visit other places for the people, the food and whine, the prices, etc.

#18 Brenda says:
March 18th, 2010 at 5:28 pm

Gotta love how the French are so high and mighty about British colonialism and so-called American imperialism, yet, the British left India with minimal bloodshed, while the French killed millions of Algerians trying to cling onto their fading empire, and also started the Vietnam War in the same way. Not to mention French atrocities in other parts of Africa, and the fact that they continue to rule places like New Caledonia and Tahiti against the will of the majority of the populations there. I really hate France. Long live Britain!

#19 ALBERTO says:
March 18th, 2010 at 8:56 pm

With all due respect that the english empire deserves or any other empire for that matter

FUCK YOUR EMPIRE!!!

The only good thing an empire knows how to do and they do it perfectly is how to exploit other nations.

#20 ALBERTO says:
March 18th, 2010 at 9:14 pm

While I know there were certain “advantages” on your expansion I will rather one million times sacrifice your “advantages” for my richness.

You take 85% of the whole fucking cake and only leave the 15% of the cake for the exploited nation.

On top of that so ypu see how many great british people you sent to america

Most of the british people that came here to colonize america, when they became “americans” MURDERED THE NATIVE AMERICAN NATIONS. They dis not mixed with the natives of America, How is that for ignorance?

At least the spainards mixed with the aztects, they destoyed our cultural believes and imposed their religion, but at least they did not DECIMATE US. We bacame part of their culture.

Your British uneducated will do the same over and over again everytime they have the chance to do it.

If you are going to ship people outside your country to colonize other places in the name of religion and advance, at least send Good people, not scumbags!!!

#21 Bill says:
March 18th, 2010 at 9:30 pm

Firstly, most of the native american deaths came from european diseases. something that the europeans could never have known would be a problem. Eventually, europeans were bound to come into contact with the western continents, so eventually native americans were bound to come into contact with european diseases. Its not the fault of the british that the native americans were susceptible to their diseases.

secondly, the british were not the only ones to bring these diseases to the native americans. France had New France, the Dutch had New Netherland, and the Swedish had New Sweden. Nevermind that Spain had colonies in Florida, and most of the Western US. And Russia colonized Alaska.

Thirdly, Spain was hardly friendly towards the cultures they conquered. look at spains conquest of mexico:

The Spanish conquest of Yucatán took almost 170 years. The whole process could have taken longer were it not for three separate epidemics that took a heavy toll on the Native Americans, killing almost 75% of the population and causing the collapse of Mesoamerican cultures. Some believe that Old World diseases like smallpox caused the death of 90 to 95 percent of the native population of Mexico.

Also, Alberto, if you think for a minute that Native Americans wouldn’t do the same thing to Europeans if they had been more technologically advanced you’re deluded. Its HUMAN NATURE. England was bigger than Ireland, so England invaded Ireland. If Ireland was bigger the roles would have been reversed. In the same way Russia had a history of invading Poland, Sweden invaded Finland, Spain invaded Portugal, etc.

also, i’m forced to laugh when people blame wars on religion. if you believe that without religion people wouldn’t fight each other, you’re sadly mistaken. china and japan share the same religion, yet look at their history. look at the wars between various muslim states….or sweden and denmark (2 lutheran nations which have been at war for hundreds of years with each other). if religion isn’t the excuse for a war, then its territory, money, land, power, language, culture…

any difference people have with each other they will use as an excuse for war.

#22 Alberto says:
March 18th, 2010 at 10:43 pm

No Native americans won’t embarc in a erradicatio war

The new american culture will not embarc in a decimation war against a race.

Native americans were utterly destroyed by war not diseases.

That is a pretty common practice of uneducated people, It has nothing to do with religion, religion is only a tool, ignorance is the main factor. Ignorance and bigotry passed from generation to generation in the uneducated british folk. Nothing else but that.

War is a common practice in Human history, but erradication war is something that is only practiced by few.

Alexander the great with war conquered the known world, but the people conquered became “greeks”

I thank that Mexico was not colonized by Britain, Spain showed discrimination, but never tried to extreminate the whole population of the indian nations. England did

#23 Alberto says:
March 18th, 2010 at 10:44 pm

I mean “england” as in inherit ideology
or “Old Amricans”

“New” America is different

#24 ALBERTO says:
March 18th, 2010 at 11:14 pm

Just to put things clear

I do not hate British people.

I do not stand the British crown and the goverment, but specially the crown.

The British crown was one of the worst things that happen to the world. It spread diseases and ignorance arround the world, nothing more, nothing less. Ask the Irish, Scotish, Native Americans, India, South Africa Blacks, Australian aborigens, Chinese should I keep going?

#25 ALBERTO says:
March 18th, 2010 at 11:30 pm

And I think Europe is beautiful

#26 Bill says:
March 18th, 2010 at 11:33 pm

Alberto, what country are you from? It sounds like your country’s educational system isn’t quite up to par. Either that or you have an insane bias against British people. Spain didn’t try to eradicate the native people? You have no idea what you’re talking about.

Spain plundered the empires of the Americas to finance religious persecution in Europe for over a century. Spanish wars of conquest included laying waste much of the Netherlands and a disastrous attempt to invade England. By destroying diverse cultures in the New World the Christian conquerors were able not only to eradicate civilizations more ancient than their own but also were able to senselessly erase a vibrant artistic legacy and even scientific knowledge. In their stead the Spanish adventurers imposed a racist tyranny and an alien god. Millions were enslaved.

Cholula, with a population of 100,000, was the second city of the Aztec empire. It had thrived for more than a millennium.

In 1519, Cortés chose Cholula to demonstrate his credentials. He massacred several thousand unarmed members of the Aztec nobility in the central plaza and then burned down much of the city.

The smallpox pandemic began in Hispaniola in December 1518. It spread to Mexico in 1520, along the Caribbean coast 1525-7, and reached Peru by 1527. The following year Wayna Capac, “Unique Inca” and paternalistic ruler of his bronze age empire, dies of the pox.

The first thing Catholic priests did upon discovering Mayan and Aztec books was to burn them. The priests declared that the codices were “written by the devil.”

The Church took over Indian “re-education”, with different monastic orders colonizing specific localities. The orders offered ambitious young men a colonial career whilst maintaining a semblance of “mission” and civilization.

“Eradication of idolatry” meant the wholesale destruction of entire cultures.

Now I’d like you show me proof that most Native Americans who lived NORTH OF THE RIO GRANDE were killed by things other than disease. Its a HISTORICAL FACT THAT 90-95% of Native Americans in British held territory died of disease. PROVE ME WRONG.

#27 Bill says:
March 18th, 2010 at 11:35 pm

I love how you believe that Spain is some noble country. Ever hear of the Spanish Inquisition? García Cárcel estimates that the total number of people killed by the Inquisition throughout its history was approximately 150,000.

#28 Alberto says:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:48 am

Nope Spain is no saint

But out of the two evils the lesser one is better

#29 Alberto says:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:49 am

and like I said BRITISH CROWN

#30 ALBERTO says:
March 18th, 2010 at 7:22 am

This Ideology was inherit from the Empire

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Native_American_(U.S.)

#31 Bill says:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Lesser of two evils? Hahaha. Ever hear of a British Inquisition?

#32 Fedricco Rabaya says:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:57 pm

Oi. I know that the diseases killed Native Americans but I just don’t understand why they would die against cold flu common in Europe. You mean if some of their descendants catch these diseases they would die like their ancestors?

#33 ALBERTO says:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:10 pm

@Bill

You should ask to any educated native american that

If you find any native american Ask him how much does he loves the fact that they left your people settle in the american continent.

Then, you will have your answer.

I have only meet 3 Native Americans in 15 years and only one of them was a pure native american.

And I meet her in OKLAHOMA far from where I live, because I used to travel a lot all over the states.

1 PURE NATIVE AMERICAN IN 15 YEARS!!!

#34 Luffie says:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:50 pm

This was hilarious. I hate France.

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