• Ask Old-Wizard: France

  

  Written by Sage 63 Comments
  Last Updated:: October 29, 2009

  Sage is back this week to answer some of our reader’s questions about France. That’s right, just when you thought Old-Wizard couldn’t get any more random, we do something like this.  The real question should really be “Why is anyone asking us anything about France anyway?” Oh well, since Sage has actually been there, we figured he should be the one to answer this random assortment of France-related questions.  Hope you enjoy:

  Why do Americans hate the French so much?

  Good question, I don’t know the exact answer. If it wasn’t for the French we wouldn’t have won the Revolutionary War, we wouldn’t have bought the Louisiana territory (an incredibly cheap deal made between Jefferson and Napoleon because the later needed some quick cash to trash the rest of Europe), or the Statue of Liberty. Historically we should like them, but they smell bad, eat weird things, have bad attitudes, and won’t give you extra syrup for hot cakes at McDonalds. Maybe the reason we don’t like them is that we had to save their asses twice from the Germans and still they had bad attitudes

  Why are vacations in France longer than in the US?

  I want to say that the french are lazy, because that would be funny, but I actually agree with this one. Stress at the work place is far from productive and vacations help get rid of that.

  I am going to Paris. What do I HAVE to do while I am there?

  I went to Paris once too. My hotel was near the Eiffel Tower,  at least I think. Somewhere within walking distance from the hotel is a McDonalds, it’s on a corner if that helps. Go into this McDonalds during the morning hours and order hot cakes, if they are still on the menu ( I haven’t eaten at one in many years). Now this set of hot cakes will come with one syrup cup, which by American standards is far from enough. Pay attention because this is the tricky part, return to the counter and ask for an extra syrup cup. Most likely they will give you a shitty attitude, don’t let that phase you, stay strong and get your extra syrup…..for America. This is something you HAVE to do while you are there.

  I went to France.  The people were great what did you think?

  You are obviously a French infiltrator trying to manipulate the opinions of us good and decent people. Nice try, we know you are all salty and superior acting, even though you are sticky and stupid. Nice try, Frenchman!

  Have you ever had your picture taken with the Eiffel Tower as background?

  Yes.

  What is the worst time to say “Voila!”?

  Right when you take your pants off.

  What are some Napoleonic war strategies?

  Well there’s the classic pincher move, the loopty loop, the 5 second rule, no givesys backsies, the indian arm burn, calling it, running away, popping a wheelie, the human shield, bending, attack and release, and so on.

63 Comments

1. #1 Fedricco Rabaya says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 11:21 am

   Ok I admit I don’t like Germans but German women are hot!My father and his friend are about to fight a German guy here in the Philippines. The German was riding a motorcycle and using his motorcycle he inched nearer and nearer to my father’s friend’s motorcycle and my father’s friend fell in the canal. After that the German gave him the finger.
   My father’s friend ask help from my father because the German is just so f*cking BIG. They are planning to fight the German. Next thing I know the German’s son died in a motorcycle accident and my father didn’t continue his plan. What will you get from fighting a bereaved father? Nothing. And yes the British and French did abuse all of their colonies but what do you expect? It’s human nature to bring glory for himself. We don’t work for others. We work for ourselves. The British treat their women like shit and use slaves. That was true. WAS is the word. Today they are the major pioneer in women’s rights and against slavery. REAL help. Not the kind of help America is giving.
2. #2 President Steve says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 2:29 pm

   @Fedricco:

   You don’t think Europe has any expensive fighter planes? The EU makes more money than the US. So why don’t you complain about the EU bailing Africa out of poverty? I think its funny how the entire world blames America for all their problems. You have people in Africa blaming America for not pulling them out of poverty, yet, when the US does give African governments money, the corrupt governments either squander it, lose it, steal it, or use it to further oppress the citizens of their own countries. People need to start thinking before they blame the US for the messes they make.

   Oh, and its funny how people keep saying the US didn’t do enough to end WW2. Guess what…Europe started the war. It was their freaking mess. Keep piling Kudos on the USSR for “winning” a war they were largely responsible for. I seem to remember them signing a non-aggression pact with Nazi Germany and both simultaneously invading Poland. Without that treaty Germany would have never invaded Poland. The USSR got what it deserved when Germany betrayed them.
3. #3 Nate says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 4:27 pm

   Africa is the ONLY continent that has a favorable opinion of George W. Bush. He did more for the fight against aids and poverty over there than pretty much any other president. It’s just everyone here hated Bush so the one good thing that he did do never gets brought up. And the US helps out everywhere. Don’t even give me that bullshit. Now you’re just being a jealous little hater Fredericco. Sad you’re country sucks? Oh and one final note on the the mighty USSR… If it wouldn’t have been for the US, your beloved USSR would have just kept going after they took Berlin… So regardless. The US ended WWII.
4. #4 Alberto says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 4:34 pm

   If We are going to start to call bastards each other, I want to contribute

   I think, and this is my opinion that the British Nation is the epitome of an imperialist nation along with all abuse and oppression that comes with it.
   The British Nation has exploited and stolen so many richies from the world, that even right now being only a small island with a few colonies, it still has the money to be considered a world power.

   Where did they get that ammount of economical power?

   It wasn’t produce in the Island, that is for sure

   It came for conquering, abusing, exploiting and stealing other countries.

   They also exported their own racial xenophobia which was evident in South Africa, USA and Australia

   Thanks Britain! You gave me the Beatles and Oasis, but also contributed to the creation of the Ku Klux Klan and the Apartheid, when you send your criminals and uneducated to your colonies.
5. #5 Rabo Karabekian says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 12:15 am

   Oh, and it is the responsibility of the USA to fix all of the problems that you Europeans created? Not that I think it’s right for America to spend all of that money on “defense”, but really? Most of the problem couldn’t be fixed with just money anyway, a huge portion of the problem is the mind-set of people in African slums. It is the flaw of the agricultural self-preservation instinct: People starve, they produce more children, and they starve more; the cycle continues. Aid is just absorbed by the growing population, and the answer isn’t just infrastructure and economy – it’s deeper than that. It has a cultural and psychological level.
6. #6 Fedricco Rabaya says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 1:39 am

   I have to agree that all you said is true. But what I don’t like is that you Americans act as if you won the war and you keep on telling that the British and French would be speaking German right now if it weren’t for you. You hate the French? Why because other Americans said so? I feel the duty to defend France from all you Americans since you always attack the French people and culture. I have many French and British friends and I have to say that they are way better than you. You know the difference? Americans when they speak English they speak very loud so that people will notice their accent. Most of them don’t know anything about other cultures. They’re good in criticizing other cultures but they don’t even know where that country is or what’s the capital. Remember Talladega Nights? They portray the French as queer and gays but they don’t know anything about them. Most mothers are also listening to that Oprah who talks about exercise and savings yet she herself is overweight and has a golden toilet bowl.
7. #7 Alberto says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 3:48 am

   I have to make a little joke on the subject

   What is worse than a French?

   A FRENCH-CANADIAN

   Is just a Joke!
   I have nothing against Canadians or Frenchs
8. #8 Rabo Karabekian says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 7:35 am

   Fredricco. So to criticize a culture that you see as ethnocentric, you made broad unfounded statements stereotyping their ignorance? I can tell you that I am an American and I’m not unintelligent or ignorant – I just felt it necessary to defend myself. American-bashing is just so fashionable, it’s easy to earn some extra cool points by making fun of fat, dumb, Americans. Also Fredricco, Talladega Nights was a caricature of American stereotypes – that’s why it was funny. You just painted the most ironic picture that I have seen in along time, Fredricco. Thanks.
9. #9 Fedricco Rabaya says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 10:05 am

   First of all, I don’t believe in stereotypes. In American movies, you always see some stereotypes, the losers as you call, the cool guys, the jocks, cheerleaders, etc. When I went to America when I was twelve and I went to an American school I found out that that was not the case. It’s true to an extent but the smart kids can always mingle with the tough guys. Doesn’t mean that you are in the top class you don’t have boyfriends. Also, I made some friends there who are really good people. I also sincerely apologize if I myself am being such a bitch to Americans to the point of calling you all as fat, ignorant and other derogatory comments. I only did that because I was pissed in some comments about France. Actually my fascination about France started when I had a crush on this French girl which was way older than me. I have many crushes, by the way. new one like every month. But I did go there and really, it’s a nice place. One of the best experiences of my life.
10. #10 Vintage Junkie says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    The reason Americans hate French people is that they try to screw us any chance they get. Look at Roman Polanski. The guy is a convicted child molester. He ADMITTED to having sex and giving drugs to a 13 year old and then flees to France where of course, they will not send him back to the US. Its more important to them to screw the US than to put a child molester in jail. Even Vietnam prosecutes child molesters. France sucks.
11. #11 alberto says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 3:06 pm

    Have someone here eat snails?

    How do they taste?
12. #12 Luis says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    @alberto, cooked snails are not as bad as one would’ve imagined, it depends on how they prepare them, but if you get an uncooked one the texture is just that of eating really big boogers.
    Hope that helps.
13. #13 alberto says:
    November 20th, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    Thanks for the mental image