• Ask Old-Wizard: Conspiracy Theory Edition

  

  Written by Sage 6 Comments
  Last Updated:: January 1, 2009

  This week we answer some questions sent to us by our local conspiracy theory nut, Mel. Remember to send any questions for OW to oldwizard.com@gmail.com.

  Do you guys think that the US government is hiding the existence of UFOs from the public?

  Of course. Though I think we might have answered this question before. I would also bet that the answer was funny and made fun of the person who asked the question. There is also little doubt that it was incredibly sarcastic, a little rude, and possibly even downright mean. Also, despite the sarcasm being thicker than the shag rug at your Grandmother’s house, some idiot probably left a comment thinking that we were serious. Then, of course, there is that one guy he keeps emailing us all these crazy conspiracy theory questions expecting us to actually do real research and give him real answers. Instead we make fun of him every single time, but this does not dissuade him at all. And then there are still those people who think were serious… idiots.

  Do you think science is a conspiracy theory?

  Of course it is. I mean let’s think about it. In order to understand science you have to understand math, and who can do that? Mixing letters and numbers sounds like a conspiracy to me. But on closer examination it gets even deeper. You see, what science does is take very complicated things and explains them very simply. And who wants that? Not us, that’s for sure. When something doesn’t make sense to me it must of course be the work of some higher power. Lightning? God. Tides? God. Popcorn? God. Microwaves? God. If you want a good explanation of how the world works just read the Bible or listen to your local government. Science is a waste of time, who needs all that logic, careful reasoning, provable results, empirical evidence, new advances, and medical improvements? When I turn my cell phone on I know its powered by God, not science thats for sure. And you know what else? My car runs on God juice, the thing in Aspirin that gets rid of my headache? Also God, and I’m pretty sure that God is responsible for my Christmas lights.

  Who do you think killed JFK?

  Probably the same guy who killed Biggie and Tupac. Or maybe even the aliens that the government is hiding. I bet they got so annoyed that they weren’t allowed to integrate into our society that they decided to kill the President. That adds all the the conspiracies into one for convenience.

  To those who think science claims man came from monkeys or that theory is just a flimsy set of guesses, why don’t you read some real science by real scientists, who believe evolution before judging it?

  Is this a question or a statement? Or maybe just an open letter of some sort? Are you for evolution or against it? This easily one of the more confusing emails we have ever gotten. We don’t believe that a theory is a flimsy set of guesses and we have read real science by real scientists. That still doesn’t answer the question of whether you are for or against science. I don’t think any science claims that man came from monkeys exactly, I believe its more of a parallel evolution of some sort, we are of course genetically different, though similar. I’m not sure what else we can say about this because nobody can figure out what in the world you are talking about.

  Do you subscribe more to the conspiracy theory of government and big business or do you think incompetence is more the rule?

  I would imagine things are more in the middle. Big business obviously effects the way our government does things, but when you look at our current president you can see that we are often ruled by incompetent idiots.

  Do you ever think that the world could be just like the matrix? or something else? what is your theory?

  The Matrix is far from an original idea. Descartes proposed this idea a long time ago in his meditations on the nature of philosophy. He concluded in his famous statement “cogito ergo sum,” I think therefore I am. The movie that you are referring to capitalized on this idea and combined it with computer science to make a great movie. Seeing as though robotics in general has still been unable to provide us with any thing that can think remotely on its own or even walk up right in a natural way, I don’t really think that robots are going to take over the world and turn us into their power source. Many scientists are calling robotics one of the biggest failures of modern science. Our theory is that most people are idiots and buy into stupid ideas because it sounds cool. I hope you’re not one of them.

6 Comments

1. #1 George says:
   March 18th, 2010 at 11:46 pm

   Were all gonna die! It’s the end of the world!
2. #2 William says:
   March 18th, 2010 at 5:04 am

   Global Warming is another conspiracy theory, you guys should of put that in your list.
3. #3 Osama says:
   March 18th, 2010 at 5:12 am

   You guys gotta take these theories more seriously. The truth is out there!
4. #4 Uncle Al says:
   March 18th, 2010 at 9:25 pm

   I think Global warming is a big scam/conspiracy theory also you guys should have mentioned the AMERO one.

   Do you know something aobut it? (besides the chubby guy that has a youtube video with the coin).
5. #5 Gyb says:
   March 18th, 2010 at 11:00 pm

   What do you think about the theory of the end of the world in 2012?
6. #6 dirty D says:
   March 18th, 2010 at 1:04 pm

   ooh my, this brightened up my day!