Ask Old-Wizard: Conspiracy Theories

Ask Old-Wizard: Conspiracy Theories

Written by Sage 15 Comments
Last Updated:: February 2, 2010

This week Sage answers a few of our readers’ questions about conspiracy theories, both real and imagined.

I saw a special on Fox that said that NASA faked the Moon landings. Is this true?

Yes everything of Fox is true. It’s true and well researched. It’s true, well researched, and completely non-biased. It’s true, well researched, completely non-biased, and does not have an agenda. It’s true, well researched, completely non-biased, does not have an agenda, and is not evil. It’s true, well researched, completely non-biased, does not have an agenda, is not evil, and always makes perfect sense.

Is it true that Freemasons secretly control the world through international banking?

Did Mary have a little lamb? Was that little lamb’s fleece as white as snow? Did that little lamb follow Mary every where she went? Including to school one day, school one day, school one day? Did said lamb make the children laugh and play? Did the teacher turn the poor lamb out? And did the lamb wait patiently? Yes. Why you ask, well according to the teacher the lamb loved Mary. Does that answer this question?

Is Atlantis real?

Yes. For exact reasons please see the answer to the above question which states the reasons out more obviously. As you will see it turns to have to do with lambs, children, and teachers. We were shocked too.

Was the US government behind 9/11?

Normally I would agree with this theory but lets look at the facts. George W. Bush is easily the least intelligent human being to ever run anything, including this country. His entire life, and generally his presidency, are considered to be a failure. So with him at the head of the government believing this theory gives GW a splash too much credit. Granted he wanted a war and he did get one but I think it was more the fault of crazy Islamic people than the U.S. government

What is your theory about who built the pyramids in Ancient Egypt?

Our guess is Egyptians. Lots of them.

Do you know where I can find a copy of the Necronomicon?

Ahhh you mean The Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, the ancient Sumerian text which contained bizarre burial rights, funeral incantations, and demon resurrection passages. Last I saw it was in a graveyard somewhere. But before you pick it up remember to say these three words; Klatu Barada Nicto, or Necktie, or Nectum, or Nickel, hmmm it’s definitely an N-word. Anyway be careful, it was never meant for the world of the living.

Is it true that the world leaders all secretly worship Satan?

Yes, obviously.

I’ve read that Swine flu is part of a government conspiracy to keep out illegal immigrants. With democrats moving forward on legalizing illegals, anti-immigration forces had no options left. The flu will be used to l close the borders once and for all, and reduce the population trying to get over the border in one ‘final solution’. Is this true?

For the record no democrat is trying to ‘legalize’ illegal immigrants. We here at OW love how desperate conservatives try to claim this. The Republicans (which is the same to say “Rich white people”) had 8 years with the most conservative president ever and were unable to solve the problem of illegal immigration, if anything it got much worse. Bush even tried to offer a temporary work permit deal that was blocked in a democratic congress. Then the rich white people lost control of the entire government and went crazy when a black man took office. Rich white people do not like black people, especially smart progressive thinking ones. But I digress. So what your saying is that the government made a virus that would target only people that are trying to cross the mexican/us border? Well it worked right? I mean only sneaky Mexicans got the flu and there are no more day workers at my Home Depot. Wait, everyone got the flu…hmm still no day workers though…wait is that because Bush tanked the economy? Well it seems Bush did fix the problem.

15 Comments

#1 David Macphail says:
March 15th, 2010 at 12:44 am

The US government wasn’t behind 9/11…..however it IS behind the 9/11 conspiracy websites. The US government had those websites created, pointing the finger at themselves, because they needed people to believe that their own government was capable of something that sick. They figured if people thought the US government was really willing to do something like that, it would raise the obedience of the population.

#2 LEGONESFISH says:
March 15th, 2010 at 6:46 pm

@David Macphall
lol, you’re reciting South Park!

#3 alberto says:
March 15th, 2010 at 2:10 am

I think OW is actually controlled by the goverment.

Zeromage and the staff of the OW designed the swine flu, are shareholders of Fox and orchestrated the attacks of September 11, they also worship satan, own the real Necronomicon and are part of the Freemasons, which implies that They know the exact location of Atlantis, they have something to do with the construction of the pyramids and also know something about the “moon landing”

They just made this article to throw you off

#4 alberto says:
March 15th, 2010 at 2:15 am

And for those Idiots thinking that the “moon landing” is fake, lets just say this.

The moon landing is an statement of the cold war which actually means:

“If I can put a man on the moon, I can put a nuke in your city”

The same goes for a man in orbit and the whole fucking space race.

“If I can send a rocket to space I can put a nuke in you ass”

P-O-L-I-T-I-C-S

#5 Wild Bill says:
March 15th, 2010 at 7:03 pm

Best AOW yet.

#6 ima420r says:
March 15th, 2010 at 4:58 am

The genesis being the worst system ever is a conspiracy theory that should be looked in to. Who is behind such a thing? Why would they want to say the Genesis is the worst system ever? I know it was a bad system, and the SNES way WAAAY better, but it wasn’t the worst system ever!

#7 Emerald Magus says:
March 15th, 2010 at 12:42 pm

To quote OW, here is the reason the Sega Genesis is the worst system of all time:

“For one, it was because of the moderate success of the Genesis that the video gamer had the bear the terrible systems that came after it, from the 32x, to Sega CD, to Dreamcast, and to Sega Saturn.”

Although I disagree with their music tastes, and pretty much everything else, this is one thing I agree with OW on.

#8 avi says:
March 15th, 2010 at 1:14 pm

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

#9 David Macphail says:
March 15th, 2010 at 12:14 am

@ Alberto – yeah, there’s no way the Moon landing was faked. Are people really dumb enough to believe that we can build an orbital space station that can inhabit humans for months at a time in the middle of the Galaxy but we can’t stick a rocket on the Moon? LOL………..

#10 Rage Against the Machine says:
March 15th, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Are you kidding me? Macphail, explain to me how the flag is WAVING when there was no air on the Moon. Seriously, people will believe anything.

#11 The Captain says:
March 15th, 2010 at 1:06 am

Mc-FAIL, not sure if you realize this or not, but we don’t have an orbital space station in the middle of the galaxy. Fucking idiot.

#12 Alberto says:
March 15th, 2010 at 3:42 am

@Rage Against the Machine

OK, I’m not NASA scientist and I PERSONALLY HAVE NEVER BEEN IN SPACE, BUT…

I know there is no air in space if you reffer to air as in oxygen, which I’m sure there is no “air” in space, but space is really fucking cold (I read, remember I have never been in space) that is why they have those insulated air thight space suits.

So I read space is cold, really cold and there should be some sort of air current, not oxygen air currents, but air as in the sense of an object moving air. I don’t know, I have never been in space, but I read that everything in space is a constant state of falling, things do not float in space they fall.

Like I told you, don’t get my word for it and go and check it by yourself, only then you will know the real truth.

But putting a man on space or on the moon is a political statement which translates as:

If I can make a rocket with a man reach space or the moon I can make a rocket with nuke reach your country.

That is why We have not been on the moon again, there is no need to make that statemen again…

I THINK

#13 President Steve says:
March 15th, 2010 at 1:04 pm

Not every waving flag needs a breeze, at least not in space. When astronauts were planting the flagpole they rotated it back and forth to better penetrate the lunar soil (anyone who’s set a blunt tent-post will know how this works). So of course the flag waved. Unfurling a piece of rolled-up cloth with stored angular momentum will naturally result in waves and ripples, no breeze required.

#14 David Macphail says:
March 15th, 2010 at 7:28 pm

@ Rage Against The Machine – no air on the Moon? WTF? If you mean no Oxygen then yes, that’s correct, however outer space is nothing but a huge vortex. It’s why our rocketships need such huge freaking thrusters to navigate outer space…….otherwise they would just get sucked away to the far reaches of the universe. If the outer space directly outside the Moon’s atmosphere has enough suction power to hurl comets the size of City’s around then i think it might……MIGHT have enough suction power to make a flag move…….LOL! Seriously……people will believe anything.

@ The Captain – are you really this big of a fucking moron? Right now there is a space station (Known as the “ISS”) in outer space following the Earth’s orbit. Earth’s orbit is in the middle of our Solar System (Roughly). Therefore – we have a space station orbiting on it’s own in the middle of our galaxy. Are your parents brother and sister, or were they just too poor to afford to send you to School? Or was it both? How stupid can one person be? Go and read a book, fucking idiot.

#15 PAUL says:
March 15th, 2010 at 6:31 am

Lol, some funny shit you guess are posting

Ask Old-Wizard: Conspiracy Theories

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