• Ask DestructoMaximo: April 19th, 2008

  

  Written by destructomaximo 6 Comments
  Last Updated:: April 19, 2008

  Hi everybody! It’s me, Destructo! Ask me any questions you’d like and I’ll answer them. There is no guideline for the type of questions you might ask, but if you try to stump me with something technical I’m just going to make something up a-la “ask dr. stupid” on ren & stinmpy. So let them inquizimitationaries fly!

  Zeromage asks: Can I come over for dinner tonight?

  The menu is vegetarian sloppy-joes on onion rolls with a spinach and micro-greens salad. I’m out of beer too, so bring some.

  Master Barker asks: Who was the first fire fighter to appear in a video game?

  I have no idea. Check out Firefighter F.D.18 for PS2 or Firefighter-In The Line Of Duty for PC.

  Darth Hobbit asks: What are some good accessories I can get for my Gamecube? Some good games I should get?

  This question must have come in five years ago and I’m just getting to it. Get four controllers, three friends, a case of your favorite beer, and Mario Kart Double-Dash. A four person Bomb-omb battle on the GameCube battle mode level is the equivalent of N64 Golden eye proximity mines in the temple. Losers drink, everyone wins. WIN WIN W1N!

  Felix asks: If you choke a smurf what color will it turn?

  Well, here’s the thing: you are a person, and a smurf is a cartoon. While cartoons turn blue when choked, people turn red. Since this is a crazy case of a person choking a cartoon (A la Who Framed Roger Rabbit) I would say the smurf would run through a cycle of red to blue, which would appear purple, followed by a deep blue. If we have a hypothetical real-life smurf on our hands, we would have to dissect one to examine the color of one’s blood and the blood vessel mapping in the face area of said smurf, from which we could draw an educated hypothesis of the color a smurf would turn when choked. Because of the relatively small size of a smurf, I presume it would be rather difficult to choke one without breaking its neck, and with a dead smurf on our hands with no blood flow to traverse to the capillaries of the face and eyes, I presume we would simply have a bloated blue dead smurf. The only way I could see a person initiating a smurf choking would be to instigate it. Go tell Handy that Brainy called Smurfette a loose-Lucy, my bet is that Handy chokes Brainy until he turns white.

  Sir In-Your-Pants-Alot asks: Who would win in a fight between Superman and Batman?

  I wish this question was “who is more bad-ass?” but it’s not. Lame-O Superman would find a way to win, even if there were some kryptonite toys in Batman’s belt. That square always finds a way to win.

  Tor Thorrsson (International Ski mogul) asks: do you know a place I can get free downloads of games.

  Tor, Tor, Tor. I do not condone piracy. I do, however, condone the 8-bit browser based glory of Nintendo8.com.

  KD asks: I have recently coined a phrase “The Half Circle of Regret” it refers to what happened to me in the middle of playing Halo3 yesterday, in the middle of a team slayer game my 360 went blank and on the left side i had a red half circle, not to be confused the the dreaded RED RING OF DEATH which is the two left led lights and the top right led light turning red this “Half Circle of Regret” stopped the game for about 2minutes and then allowed me to turn it back on and play for another twenty minutes before the “Half Circle of Regret” came back to plague me again, what does it mean?
  P.S. Please don’t say buy a new 360.

  A red half circle? Half or whole, you’re beat. Go buy a new box. Hope you have a warranty.

  
  Zeromage asks: If you could fight any historical figure, who would it be?

  Hmmmm…That’s a tough one. I think it’s a toss up between Jesus and Napoleon. The reasons for Napoleon being that not many people in his time knew of his small stature, and being infamous he could certainly draw a crowd. Bets would be placed between the greatest conqueror of the time and myself, a complete unknown. Once the bets were placed I would stroll into the ring, a full 13 inches above Napolean’s 5 foot 2 inch frame and walk away with crazy loot. The average height at that time was 5 feet, making me a giant among men. If worst come to worst I’ll just invent basketball while I’m there and bank on that…

  Of course I’d rather be the promoter of fights between historical figures. I’d love to hype a fight between popes, or world leaders. Oscar Wilde v. Oscar Wilde, that sort of nonsense. Robert Johnson v. Elvis. “SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY. ONE NIGHT ONLY, bring your bling to the ring and and watch Anne Franks swing make Hitler’s eye sting!” Something like that.

  Master Barker asks: How can beer pong enhance one’s ability to meet an alien?

  Barker, beer pong is an interesting medium. I think it can not only increase your ability to meet an alien, but also increase your ability to do several things, such as operate a piece of heavy machinery or juggle gas powered chainsaws while smoking. The key is in the pong, not just the beer. When the beer is gone, try substituting other tonics. Recomended: gin, espresso. Not recomended: milk, listerine (trust me…). Whiskey is tricky. You may meet an Alien, but more than likely you’ll punch them in the face before a formal introduction. Remember, elbows behind the line.

6 Comments

1. #1 nano the forgotten says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 9:55 pm

   why is it when you cook pasta wearing a white shirt you always get sauce on it?
2. #2 furry apple the pear tree says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 3:06 am

   Destructo, what’s it like to live on the inside of a raindrop that’s been digested by a termite who’s been eaten by bat?
3. #3 The REAL Zeromage says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 12:51 am

   Why is Furry the pear tree is a weirdo?
4. #4 The REAL Zeromage says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 12:51 am

   Also is Norway our enemy?
5. #5 One Eyed Willie says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 4:48 pm

   Haha…The answer to the Smurf question was hilarious!
6. #6 Slappy says:
   November 20th, 2009 at 7:00 pm

   This was absolutely hilarious. This is my favorite website EVER!!!!