10 Tips For Using Public Restrooms

10 Tips For Using Public Restrooms

Written by Zeromage 66 Comments
Last Updated:: October 13, 2008

Chances are that if you have a job, or if you ever have had occasion to leave your house, you’ve had to use a public restroom at one time or another. Yes, the sad truth is we all wish that we had the superhuman ability to hold it in until we got back to the comfort and safety of our own home, but sometimes its just plain unavoidable. Of course some restrooms are worse than others, and depending on the size of your bladder you might have experienced some really bad restrooms (Heck, I’ve even had to go at Taco Bell once). That’s why we decided to write this list. To give you, the faithful Old-Wizard.com reader, the benefit of our many years of experience in dealing with public bathrooms. This list only applies to men’s rooms, because although we’ve heard rumors, whispers of legends, and childhood stories, none of us has ever dared venture into a women’s room and therefore cannot comment on what they look like.

10. Never use Port-a-Potty

I know this one seems like it should be common sense, but every now and then I still see people ducking inside one of these things when they think no one is looking. Why? Chances are if you have to go to the bathroom and a port-a-potty is the closest facility to you, there are bound to be woods nearby. If there are a lot of people in the immediate vicinity sometimes I’ll suck it up and pee in one, but for God’s sake man, just hold it if you have to take a shit. Do you have any idea how often they clean those things? More importantly, have you ever see that episode of the X-files where the half-man, half-flukeworm hides inside of one? I rest my case.

9. Never sit in the stall right next to someone else.

I was once in a public restroom in New Jersey and there were ten empty stalls in the bathroom and some overweight guy came in and sat in the stall right next to mine and started taking the loudest dump that I’ve ever heard. Nothing can prepare you for an experience like that. It leaves some people traumatized for life. Ever since that day I’ve learned a few tips for keeping people out of the stall next to mine when I’m taking a dump. First, if possible, take the stall closest to the far wall of the bathroom. Normally this is the handicapped stall, also known as the “cadillac of the bathroom stalls”. This will defend one flank. Now you just have to worry about the other side. (added bonus is that the handicapped stalls are usually the cleanest and most spacious of the bathroom stalls, hence the nickname). Another thing I’ll do sometimes in extreme cases is go into the stall next to the one I’m about to drop a deuce in and pee on the seat. It may be a drastic measure, but you’ve now created a perfect buffer zone.

8. If you’re sitting in a stall and someone walks into the bathroom give a cough.

As we saw in tip number 9, we don’t want anybody sitting in the stall right next to us in a pubic bathroom. The consequences could be disastrous for everybody involved. But how is a newcomer to know what stall you’re in? It’s simple, when you hear the door to the bathroom open, give a cough, a loud sniffle, or start unrolling some toilet paper to let a potential neighbor know your position. They can’t avoid you if they don’t know where you are. This also eliminates the possibility of someone attempting to open your own stall door. You don’t know how good those locks are. And this way if they still come to your stall door you know something is wrong. Is someone looking for you?

7. Never talk or look at anyone in a public restroom.

I like to refer to this one as the “golden rule” of public restrooms. Ask anyone what the most important rule of bathroom etiquette is, and invariably they will reply with “eyes forward and no talking”. No one wants to talk to someone else when they’re in the bathroom (note that for some reason, rumor has it this rule doesn’t apply to women’s rooms), so never, under any circumstances, talk to anyone else in a public bathroom, whether you know them or not. The bathroom is not the time for weather updates and meaningless small talk. You go in, take care of business, and get out. If someone tries talking to you, simply ignore them. Talking to people in public restrooms only leads to trouble.

6. Always check for toilet paper before you use a stall.

This one should be obvious. Always check for toilet paper before you use a stall. If there is none move on to the next stall. There’s nothing worse than not having toilet paper in a public restroom. Not only that, but if you forgot to check and you suddenly find yourself without any toilet paper you might have to violate tip #7 in order to secure some by actually asking someone. Its better to just not wipe, and throw out your underwear than violate that sacred rule. And besides, who knows if they will violate bathroom etiquette themselves in order to help you out. I know I wouldn’t.

5. Always stand as far back from the urinal as possible without anyone seeing you.

This one is tricky. You need to be able to properly gauge the right distance away from the stall in order to avoid “urinal feedback”, while at the same time standing close enough so that no one can see your naughty bits. This is where splash guards really come in handy, unfortunately most bathrooms don’t have them. But if you’re lucky enough to be in a bathroom equipped with them, you can stand at a comfortable distance away from the urinal so that you don’t have to worry about getting wet from urinal feedback, while at the same time feel confident no one is watching you.

4. Don’t EVER flush the toilet with your hands!

Regardless of what anyone tells you there’s really no reason to ever flush the toilet in a public restroom with your bare hands. You don’t know how good the aim was of the guy who was in your stall before you. You also don’t know if he flushed it himself with his bare hands after having gone to the bathroom. So why take the chance? Hit the handle with your foot. Or if, you don’t have the dexterity required for that, take some toilet paper and wrap it around your hands before you flush. If all else fails just don’t flush at all.

3. If there are any apparent signs that the stall has been used before you, avoid it at all costs.

Although I realize that its a good bet that any stall in any public bathroom has seen previous use, its best to avoid the ones that show the outward signs of their prior service. None of us want to think about who’s bare butt has been in contact with the toilet seat right before us, and if there are no obvious signs reminding us that someone else has been there before us, its much easier to maintain the illusion that the stall is a virgin. How do you know? There are many tell tale signs that a stall has already been used. Is there a newspaper or crumpled up toilet paper all over the floor of the stall? Is there urine or are there skid marks in the bowl? Is their pee on the toilet seat itself? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, its best to find another stall.

2. Never sit directly on a toilet seat in a public bathroom.

Over the years there has been much debate over the best way to avoid direct contact with the toilet seat in a public restroom. Some people hover, while others prefer to cover the toilet seat with toilet paper. Because I like to be comfortable when I am in the bathroom, I prefer the latter course of action. Now the toilet seat is an interesting piece of equipment, and there are many different ways of covering it. In my experience it takes 12 plys of toilet paper to get full coverage of the toilet seat. They can be oriented in two ways: 4 sets of 3 plys or 2 sets of two plys coupled with 2 sets of 4 plys. Any other orientation leaves gaps or excess. There’s no margin for error. Any contact with the toilet seat itself could leave you scarred for life.

1. Hold it

Undoubtedly, the best advice for dealing with public restrooms is simply to hold it. Let’s face it, public restrooms should be used only as a last resort. The only reason any sane person would ever use a public bathroom is if there was no other choice. The urge to go has become so strong that we forget about the fact that countless strangers, some with questionable hygiene, have defecated in the very places we are about to stand, or even worse, sit down on. If you can, its best to hold out until you get back home, where at least you know all of the people who have used your bathroom (hopefully) and can properly gauge whether or not it needs to be cleaned before use.

66 Comments

#1 Rob says:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:57 pm

I try to avoid public restrooms when I can, but I will have to say I don’t feel as compelled to hold it when I’m at a nice casino on the strip in Vegas. Places like Caeser’s Palace and the Wynn have some of the nicest bathrooms on the planet. Yeah, they’re probably just as unclean as most public bathrooms but the outward appearance isn’t so. Each stall looks like it’s brand new and all of them usually have very secure doors that lock well and my favorite invention the auto flusher.

#2 liftsp says:
March 17th, 2010 at 3:16 am

“There’s no margin for error.”

funny shit.

#3 Wild Bill says:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:33 am

This was the funniest thing I’ve EVER read! Reminded me why I come here. Nice job.

#4 Jay says:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:36 am

I’ve seen many other lists like this, but I have to say this is the most unique. Advice on other similar lists includes “always wash your hands”, “make sure you flush” and “wipe the seat down if you pee on it”. Never before have I seen one that actually advocates peeing on the seat next to your stall to prevent anyone from using it. Or imploring you NOT to flush! Kudos!

#5 Alan says:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:40 am

“This one is tricky. You need to be able to properly gauge the right distance away from the stall in order to avoid “urinal feedback”, while at the same time standing close enough so that no one can see your naughty bits.”

LMAO

#6 Steve says:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:43 am

I will never look at a bathroom the same way ever again.

#7 Courtney says:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:47 am

The above comments perfectly illustrate why I hate this site so much. First they tell people not to vote, and now they are telling us to spray public toilet seats so no one sites on them. Old-Wizard, continue to preach civil irresponsibility to impressionable young people like your readers…I hope it gives you the satisfaction in life that you seem to be missing.

#8 Alex says:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:51 am

Courtney: Didn’t you say that you were never visiting this site again like 2 months ago? I thought we told you to go get laid?

#9 jerry says:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:54 am

LOL! funny list!

#10 Paul says:
March 17th, 2010 at 12:07 pm

“In my experience it takes 12 plys of toilet paper to get full coverage of the toilet seat. They can be oriented in two ways: 4 sets of 3 plys or 2 sets of two plys coupled with 2 sets of 4 plys. Any other orientation leaves gaps or excess.”

Thought about this a little hard, didn’t you?

#11 Doug says:
March 17th, 2010 at 12:14 pm

You know its a nerd site when they mention an episode of the X-Files when talking about bathrooms.

#12 Sarah says:
March 17th, 2010 at 12:18 pm

I’m a girl and I thought this was hilarious! Nice work once again!

#13 earl says:
March 17th, 2010 at 12:39 pm

I’m sorry, I thought this list was funny, but you guys REALLY need to figure out what this site is about and stick to it. I come here to read video game lists, not all the other non-sense you post. Who the F cares about the “Top 5 Reasons the Olive Garden is Better Than Any Restaurant in Italy” or “The Top 11 Reasons Not to Go to Your High School Reunion”??? And your politics stuff is just plain stupid. Get your shit together fellas. This jumping around is frustrating your regular readers. Get back to what you do best: Retro Video Game Lists. Otherwise you might start losing a lot of readers.

#14 Ben says:
March 17th, 2010 at 12:43 pm

couldnt disagree more with earl. i love how random this site is, and how they dont give a f*** about what anyone thinks. even their readers.

and btw…this list was great!

#15 DM says:
March 17th, 2010 at 12:51 pm

yeah…thanks for the free advice but we’re pretty much going to do whatever the f we want with this site.

#16 Joe says:
March 17th, 2010 at 12:53 pm

LMFAO!!! this list rocks.

#17 Jim says:
March 17th, 2010 at 12:58 pm

very useful tips… thanks.

#18 Eric says:
March 17th, 2010 at 1:05 pm

Urinal Feedback??!??! LOLOLOL!!

#19 Gary says:
March 17th, 2010 at 1:21 pm

best article i’ve read in months!

#20 james says:
March 17th, 2010 at 1:39 pm

despite what other commenters have said, i HATE your video game lists. this list was about 100X better than any video game list you guys have ever made. do more of these!

#21 Phil says:
March 17th, 2010 at 1:43 pm

i wish this had been a top 20 list. this was excellent!

#22 Vintage Junkie says:
March 17th, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Awesome list. Very funny.

#23 jimmy c says:
March 17th, 2010 at 3:00 pm

that damn flukeworm-man creature scares the shit out of me. no pun intended. by yeah, portopotties are one of the creepiest creations man has ever designed. if you’re outside anyways, use a tree/bush/etc. other types of shrubs

#24 pete says:
March 17th, 2010 at 3:16 pm

epic list.

#25 Carl says:
March 17th, 2010 at 3:48 pm

very funny list indeed.

#26 Tyrone says:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:00 pm

“Is there a newspaper or crumpled up toilet paper all over the floor of the stall? Is there urine or are there skid marks in the bowl? Is their pee on the toilet seat itself? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, its best to find another stall.”

Damn. I hate people who read the newspaper in a stall. Especially when there’s people waiting to go. Bitches.

#27 Tom says:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:05 pm

I’m NEVER going to talk shit about this site EVER again. This was hilarious!!!!

#28 D Man says:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:10 pm

I am still laughing from reading #2 as I type this comment. This was GREAT!!!

#29 Brandon says:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:11 pm

X-files episode reference was brilliant! great list!

#30 Sal says:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:12 pm

LOL good stuff.

#31 matt says:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:21 pm

“First, if possible, take the stall closest to the far wall of the bathroom. Normally this is the handicapped stall, also known as the “cadillac of the bathroom stalls”. This will defend one flank.”

GREAT advice!

#32 Isaac says:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:24 pm

This is the only list you guys have ever done that I’ve actually LIKED. Weird.

#33 Nicole says:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:26 pm

LMAO. Great list!

#34 Seal says:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Seal says this list was funny.

#35 darren says:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:29 pm

LOL @ #2!

#36 ASJFK says:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:31 pm

u talk like going to a public urinal is like going to war. i think u have issues…

#37 Will says:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:32 pm

what the hell is urinal feedback???

#38 Dana says:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:39 pm

I’ve been reading this site since almost day one and what I’ve noticed is that is gotten progressively more and more offensive. When you started out, yes the site was offensive then, but it was still fun. Not sure that that’s the case anymore. This article makes me want to vomit from reading it, and I’m going to say this was the last straw for me. I will never be coming back here again. And I don’t think I’m the only one who feels this way. I don’t see many of the older readers commenting here anymore (i.e. Pingfa), all I see are newer readers commenting. That’s all I have to say. Good day to you.

#39 Hugh says:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:48 pm

Dana: the randomness….dare i say….insanity of this site is what gives it all of its charm. granted, the site is pretty much chaos, its still funny. if u want JUST gaming news that doesnt offend you go to ign or gamespot.

#40 Ken says:
March 17th, 2010 at 5:09 pm

this list sucks.

#41 jeremy says:
March 17th, 2010 at 5:15 pm

hope i never go to a bathroom after you do!

#42 Bug says:
March 17th, 2010 at 8:01 pm

I whole heartedly agree with #2 – especially the plys. I am a fan of making my own throne of soft white protective toilet paper. I give it a wipe down first, sometimes with instant hand sanitizer if the bathroom has it available.

#43 Tim says:
March 17th, 2010 at 8:16 pm

http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/10/03/bathroom.hygiene/

Read that CNN article…”But the toilet seat is actually the cleanest part of the bathroom, one expert says.”

#44 old-wizard.com says:
March 17th, 2010 at 8:42 pm

As comforting as that is, I don’t think I would touch ANY part of a public restroom which my bare ass.

#45 aaaa says:
March 17th, 2010 at 12:15 am

I dont agree with this post. Honestly most rest rooms are fairly clean, just get over it and dont use it like a fucking gemophobe.

#46 jimmykiss says:
March 17th, 2010 at 6:43 pm

you guys are pussys

#47 Dan says:
March 17th, 2010 at 12:21 am

Best list ever.

#48 craig says:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:33 am

Pertaining to rule number 9

whenever i use a Handicapped stall i lay down a line of paper towels slightly larger than my body on the floor leading from the stall i’m using to the one next to it i then crawl on the towels into the nxt stall and lock it from the inside then i crawl back and do my buisness before i leave the restroom i always make sure i unlock the stall. also I’d like to add something.

11. Don’t use your cell phone while on the can.
I had a friend who did that to me It was hands down the worst conversation of my life.

#49 Bandcoot says:
March 17th, 2010 at 1:15 am

Number 8 is an excellent “strategy” lol. I thought I was the only person to employ that one.

Also, number 1 is great advice too. If you’re just going in for a p!ss, then a urinal trip is fine. If going for a “number 2″, I avoid public bathrooms as much as possible.