• 10 Tips For Using Public Restrooms

  

  Written by Zeromage 66 Comments
  Last Updated:: October 13, 2008

  Chances are that if you have a job, or if you ever have had occasion to leave your house, you’ve had to use a public restroom at one time or another. Yes, the sad truth is we all wish that we had the superhuman ability to hold it in until we got back to the comfort and safety of our own home, but sometimes its just plain unavoidable. Of course some restrooms are worse than others, and depending on the size of your bladder you might have experienced some really bad restrooms (Heck, I’ve even had to go at Taco Bell once). That’s why we decided to write this list. To give you, the faithful Old-Wizard.com reader, the benefit of our many years of experience in dealing with public bathrooms. This list only applies to men’s rooms, because although we’ve heard rumors, whispers of legends, and childhood stories, none of us has ever dared venture into a women’s room and therefore cannot comment on what they look like.

  10. Never use Port-a-Potty

  I know this one seems like it should be common sense, but every now and then I still see people ducking inside one of these things when they think no one is looking. Why? Chances are if you have to go to the bathroom and a port-a-potty is the closest facility to you, there are bound to be woods nearby. If there are a lot of people in the immediate vicinity sometimes I’ll suck it up and pee in one, but for God’s sake man, just hold it if you have to take a shit. Do you have any idea how often they clean those things? More importantly, have you ever see that episode of the X-files where the half-man, half-flukeworm hides inside of one? I rest my case.

  9. Never sit in the stall right next to someone else.

  I was once in a public restroom in New Jersey and there were ten empty stalls in the bathroom and some overweight guy came in and sat in the stall right next to mine and started taking the loudest dump that I’ve ever heard. Nothing can prepare you for an experience like that. It leaves some people traumatized for life. Ever since that day I’ve learned a few tips for keeping people out of the stall next to mine when I’m taking a dump. First, if possible, take the stall closest to the far wall of the bathroom. Normally this is the handicapped stall, also known as the “cadillac of the bathroom stalls”. This will defend one flank. Now you just have to worry about the other side. (added bonus is that the handicapped stalls are usually the cleanest and most spacious of the bathroom stalls, hence the nickname). Another thing I’ll do sometimes in extreme cases is go into the stall next to the one I’m about to drop a deuce in and pee on the seat. It may be a drastic measure, but you’ve now created a perfect buffer zone.

  8. If you’re sitting in a stall and someone walks into the bathroom give a cough.

  As we saw in tip number 9, we don’t want anybody sitting in the stall right next to us in a pubic bathroom. The consequences could be disastrous for everybody involved. But how is a newcomer to know what stall you’re in? It’s simple, when you hear the door to the bathroom open, give a cough, a loud sniffle, or start unrolling some toilet paper to let a potential neighbor know your position. They can’t avoid you if they don’t know where you are. This also eliminates the possibility of someone attempting to open your own stall door. You don’t know how good those locks are. And this way if they still come to your stall door you know something is wrong. Is someone looking for you?

  7. Never talk or look at anyone in a public restroom.

  I like to refer to this one as the “golden rule” of public restrooms. Ask anyone what the most important rule of bathroom etiquette is, and invariably they will reply with “eyes forward and no talking”. No one wants to talk to someone else when they’re in the bathroom (note that for some reason, rumor has it this rule doesn’t apply to women’s rooms), so never, under any circumstances, talk to anyone else in a public bathroom, whether you know them or not. The bathroom is not the time for weather updates and meaningless small talk. You go in, take care of business, and get out. If someone tries talking to you, simply ignore them. Talking to people in public restrooms only leads to trouble.

  6. Always check for toilet paper before you use a stall.

  This one should be obvious. Always check for toilet paper before you use a stall. If there is none move on to the next stall. There’s nothing worse than not having toilet paper in a public restroom. Not only that, but if you forgot to check and you suddenly find yourself without any toilet paper you might have to violate tip #7 in order to secure some by actually asking someone. Its better to just not wipe, and throw out your underwear than violate that sacred rule. And besides, who knows if they will violate bathroom etiquette themselves in order to help you out. I know I wouldn’t.

  5. Always stand as far back from the urinal as possible without anyone seeing you.

  This one is tricky. You need to be able to properly gauge the right distance away from the stall in order to avoid “urinal feedback”, while at the same time standing close enough so that no one can see your naughty bits. This is where splash guards really come in handy, unfortunately most bathrooms don’t have them. But if you’re lucky enough to be in a bathroom equipped with them, you can stand at a comfortable distance away from the urinal so that you don’t have to worry about getting wet from urinal feedback, while at the same time feel confident no one is watching you.

  4. Don’t EVER flush the toilet with your hands!

  Regardless of what anyone tells you there’s really no reason to ever flush the toilet in a public restroom with your bare hands. You don’t know how good the aim was of the guy who was in your stall before you. You also don’t know if he flushed it himself with his bare hands after having gone to the bathroom. So why take the chance? Hit the handle with your foot. Or if, you don’t have the dexterity required for that, take some toilet paper and wrap it around your hands before you flush. If all else fails just don’t flush at all.

  3. If there are any apparent signs that the stall has been used before you, avoid it at all costs.

  Although I realize that its a good bet that any stall in any public bathroom has seen previous use, its best to avoid the ones that show the outward signs of their prior service. None of us want to think about who’s bare butt has been in contact with the toilet seat right before us, and if there are no obvious signs reminding us that someone else has been there before us, its much easier to maintain the illusion that the stall is a virgin. How do you know? There are many tell tale signs that a stall has already been used. Is there a newspaper or crumpled up toilet paper all over the floor of the stall? Is there urine or are there skid marks in the bowl? Is their pee on the toilet seat itself? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, its best to find another stall.

  2. Never sit directly on a toilet seat in a public bathroom.

  Over the years there has been much debate over the best way to avoid direct contact with the toilet seat in a public restroom. Some people hover, while others prefer to cover the toilet seat with toilet paper. Because I like to be comfortable when I am in the bathroom, I prefer the latter course of action. Now the toilet seat is an interesting piece of equipment, and there are many different ways of covering it. In my experience it takes 12 plys of toilet paper to get full coverage of the toilet seat. They can be oriented in two ways: 4 sets of 3 plys or 2 sets of two plys coupled with 2 sets of 4 plys. Any other orientation leaves gaps or excess. There’s no margin for error. Any contact with the toilet seat itself could leave you scarred for life.

  1. Hold it

  Undoubtedly, the best advice for dealing with public restrooms is simply to hold it. Let’s face it, public restrooms should be used only as a last resort. The only reason any sane person would ever use a public bathroom is if there was no other choice. The urge to go has become so strong that we forget about the fact that countless strangers, some with questionable hygiene, have defecated in the very places we are about to stand, or even worse, sit down on. If you can, its best to hold out until you get back home, where at least you know all of the people who have used your bathroom (hopefully) and can properly gauge whether or not it needs to be cleaned before use.

66 Comments

1. #1 Blur says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 9:16 pm

   OMG! I can’t stop laughing! nice advise!
2. #2 Blue says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 3:56 pm

   Great advise and so true too!

   Might I request your documenting the rules for urinal selection.

   ie. NEVER stand in the urinal beside someone else; if there are three urinals to chose from and someone is using the middle urinal then his sexual orientation is in question – avoid (or not) as appropriate; if there are more than 3 urinals and an even number in total the you should start with one of the end units when available (one flank covered) and the ajoinging unit must also be empty…

   Keep up the great work!
3. #3 Blue says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 3:57 pm

   btw Blur, it is ‘advice’!

   yes, I know, I know.
4. #4 Slacker and The Man says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 2:49 pm

   We recently discussed this great article on our podcast.

   http://media.switchpod.com/users/slackerandtheman/StMEpisode34.mp3
5. #5 WTF MOFO??? says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 11:15 pm

   What…the…fuck?
6. #6 Ray Pozzo says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 12:49 pm

   People at my highschool violated the “no talking to others” and “no looking” rules a lot. They violate almost every rule now that I think about it.
7. #7 OLD SCHOOL MODERN MOVIE CRITICS says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 6:45 pm

   Watch out for the left behind pubic hairs!!! NASTY!!!
8. #8 Joe says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 7:59 pm

   If you see someone using the urinal in sandles don’t use the urinal directly next to them. I have been peed on. It sucks.
9. #9 SauerKraus says:
   March 19th, 2010 at 2:57 am

   Definitely use every other urinal.
10. #10 UP2IP2 says:
    March 19th, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    I was at disney and this guy FUCKEN BLEW ATOM BOMB IN TOILET I WAS LIKE FUCK THIS ILL WAIT UNTIL I GO HOME
11. #11 Uhhhhhhhhh,pie says:
    March 19th, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    What is with that picture on #9? It gives me the creeps.
12. #12 cody says:
    March 19th, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    i was in a public bathroom and this guy was shitting really loud,it scarred me for life.it made me feel raped.
13. #13 Fedricco Rabaya says:
    March 19th, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    Haha. I remember in my high school some people are too stupid to have sex in the bathroom and they were caught by the teachers.